Ruben's Writings

Oh yeah.

OOOOHHHHH YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH.

You all know what’s coming. Dread it. Run from it. Destiny still arrives all the same. And now it’s here… or rather, my (pretty much spolier-free) review of The Rise of Skywalker is.

(cue theme music)RISE REVIEWED

The Rise of Skywalker had to be one of the most difficult films to make in history. By this, I don’t mean physically or technically difficult (that might go to Apocalypse Now). Rather, I mean what that film, regardless of who was in it, behind it, and everything in between, represents just by existing.

As I painstakingly pointed out in the previous newsletter, this film represents the end of Star Wars as we know it. While movies, TV shows, and other kinds of stories can be told during the past events of the Skywalker Saga, the timeline can no longer move forward. Having the last word on a franchise like Star Wars is a big fucking deal, and there were always going to be critics no matter what happened.

This doesn’t mean anyone was expecting perfection. Star Wars isn’t exactly The Godfather in terms of storytelling. But what made the Original Trilogy so memorable was the vast universe it introduced us to and the colorful cast of characters taking us on a journey through it, regardless of some of the logic behind it. The biggest so-called plot hole in Star Wars history (the Death Star’s weak point) wasn’t resolved until a retroactive solution came out nearly 40 years later. No one really cared because the movies were fucking awesome, with great action and an entertaining story.

The only thing the prequel trilogy had was good action, which is why those movies failed so spectacularly. They did… whatever the hell they did to the most iconic villain in all of cinema: Darth Vader. They introduced us to the horror of Jar Jar Binks. The only character who was memorable in a positive way was Obi-Wan Kenobi (thank you, Ewan McGregor). Without the usual kind of knockout cast, the worse than usual story and over reliance on CGI had nothing to redeem it. The prequel trilogy had four good things: Obi-Wan, podracing, lightsaber duels, and incredible music. That’s it.

Obviously, the people in charge of the sequel trilogy didn’t want to go down the route of the prequels. So they leaned on the old ways… a lot. One of the biggest criticisms of the new movies is that they’re packed with old characters and make a bunch of references to the original trilogy for nothing but playing upon the audience’s nostalgia. It was almost to the detriment of the new cast, highlighted by Rey, Finn, and Poe. The Force Awakens, as entertaining and not terrible as it was, basically recycled the whole Death Star plot again. The Last Jedi tried too hard to be different and, while some believe it worked, I thought it was fucking awful. Those two movies also resulted in something we hadn’t really seen in a trilogy: the story was convoluted. It didn’t seem like there was a plan at all. The Rise of Skywalker had to untangle this web while closing the book on a beloved story. But it wasn’t the only new movie with this problem.

2019 also saw another highly-anticipated, franchise-ending film: Avengers: Endgame. While nowhere as old as Star Wars, the Marvel Cinematic Universe had nonetheless become worldwide famous and a huge part of our culture. Marvel’s movies also didn’t exactly have the most complicated plots. But they had amazing characters, from Iron Man to Captain America to Thor to even the ultimate baddie, Thanos. What these films also had was a clear map laid out by those in charge. There was a plan for each film, leading to one grand finale in Endgame, which absolutely delivered in every way.

This sort of organizational structure was not present in modern Star Wars. While Geroge Lucas had clearly run out of ideas, him being in charge of all three prequels made it so their story (as bad as it was) at least flowed somewhat cohesively. The mistake the current leadership made letting different directors take charge of different parts of the story. J.J. Abrams tried to establish the current story line before Rian Johnson blew it all apart. Each film had their own great parts, but there were plenty of clear differences in the stories, especially the character arcs. It should’ve either been one director in charge of all three films or one clear plan being followed by three directors. Instead, we ended up with what we got.

The Rise of Skywalker feels like Abrams tried to tell the second and third parts of his trilogy in one movie. The first half feels incredibly rushed, with the story bouncing between several different planets and featuring dialogue even Aaron Sorkin would find too fast. I mean, they bring back Emperor goddamn Palpatine in the opening crawl (I don’t think talking about Palpatine is a spoiler, since he’s been all over the trailers). Because they’re trying to pack so much in, some of the humor and drama (which is actually kind of good) doesn’t hit as hard as it should. We’re already onto the next important scene. The pacing does improve as the movie goes on, settling into a good grove right when we get to the climax.

Unsurprisingly, given the importance of the characters and their place in all of the marketing, Rey and Kylo Ren play an integral part of the movie (something happened between the two at the very end that made me say “what the fuck” out loud and several people laugh in the theater). Their unusual relationship was explored in depth in the last movie, with their Force conversations and somehow being able to transport things to each other. This takes a big step forward in this film, with one new ability of the Force being displayed that damn near changes the game. Without getting too much into it, had other Jedi been able to do this, things could’ve been a hell of a lot different now.

This ability is part of a recurring thing that bothered me a bit in the first part of the film. In the last season of Game of Thrones, a show known for no character being safe from death, not a lot of major players died until almost the end. There were chances to kill them off early and make better changes to the story, but instead the writers either didn’t take the chance or did fakeouts. This sort of thing happened a few times in Rise of Skywalker, more often than not to the film’s detriment. However, one fakeout in particular allowed for one of the most emotional scenes in the entire movie and a small, but notable issue from the very first movie to be fixed.

There is plenty of “Star Wars logic” across the movie. There always is in every movie. How can the Resitance’s plan to defeat the First Order even work? Why do the bad guys even have that weakness? Why did they not just do X instead of Y? How does Kylo Ren keep appearing out of nowhere? But like in all of the good films that proceeded it, the entertaining story and colorful characters make up for it (for the most part). Overall, I was okay with the choices the movie made and more than thrilled with the cool shit that happened. Although I could see how people would think otherwise, I am of the opinion that The Rise of Skywalker didn’t suck.

The main issue I have with the film is the same I have with the sequel trilogy as a whole. They could’ve done so much more, and their overall direction made the plot have issues it honestly shouldn’t. They put too much emphasis on nostalgia and not enough on developing the new cast, relying on marketing alone to try and make them liked by fans. Which is a shame, because they made some interesting as hell newcomers (Kylo Ren is the best character of the sequels). The Rise of Skywalker is my favorite of the sequel trilogy, but because of what I’ve mentioned above, I can’t say that it was a good movie. I enjoyed it, but there’s a big difference. There’s a notable gap between this and the upper eschalon of Star Wars movies. Right now, this is my ranking:

1. Rogue One

2. The Empire Strikes Back

3. A New Hope

4. Return of the Jedi

[notable gap]

5. The Rise of Skywalker

6. The Force Awakens

7. Solo

8. Revenge of the Sith

9. Attack of the Clones

10. The Phantom Menace

11. The Last Jedi  

Will this change going forward? Maybe, but if so only slightly.

The Rise of Skywalker is a good, but flawed film. Given the problems and circumstances surrounding it (some of them admittedly it’s own doing), it did all it could do to cap the Skywalker Saga. It could’ve been much better, but we got what we got, and we could’ve gotten a hell of a lot worse.

(2024 edit: Holy shit was I on the copium here. The Rise of Skywalker is NOT a good movie and quite frankly pisses me off almost as much as The Last Jedi. “Somehow, Palpatine returned.” Get the fuck out of here.

I could go on about the overall perception of Star Wars in the years since then, after several shows have hit the internet (most recently The Acolyte). But this section has already gone on way too long.

Anyway, my current rankings:

1. Rogue One

2. The Empire Strikes Back

3. A New Hope

4. Return of the Jedi

[gap the size of the Grand Canyon]

5. The Force Awakens

6. The Phantom Menace

7. Solo

8. Revenge of the Sith

9. Attack of the Clones

10. The Rise of Skywalker

11. The Last Jedi 

No one hate Star Wars more than Star Wars fans, though some of that is definitely deserved.)

While I’m in a judgmental mood…

YAHOO! (AND US) ARE FULL OF SHIT

Now that the season is over, it’s time to look back and laugh at Yahoo!. I know we have the benefit of hindsight here, but holy shit were their draft grades way off course. 49ers (No. 1 seed) and Darth Raider (ended up in 3rd place) were given the worst grades. Each of the Top 3 at the end of the year were given grades in the C range. Two of the Top 5 grades didn’t even make the playoffs, while none of them won a playoff game. 

Granted, the draft is only part of a team’s chances of success. Injuries and underperformance happen, so making moves is crucial as the year goes on. While some (like myself, the league champion) mainly stayed with his guys, others unsuccessfully tried to turn their fortunes around via trade. Below are the trades made during this season, along with my original thoughts about them and how they actually turned out.PLAYERS RECEIVED

49ERS: Nick Chubb, Kenny Golladay, Vance McDonald

JOP SUEY!!!: Joe Mixon, Sammy Watkins, Evan Engram

ORIGINAL REVIEW: Even.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: The only player of value was Nick Chubb, but he was of a HUGE value. Bad look for Taylor here, but nowhere near his worst.PLAYERS RECEIVED

GRUDEN GRINDERS: OBJ

DIXIE NORMOUS: James Conner

ORIGINAL REVIEW: Jimmy in a robbery.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Both players did jack shit. A nothing for nothing trade.PLAYERS RECEIVED

THREE EYED RAVENS: James White

JOP SUEY!!!: Josh Allen

ORIGINAL REVIEW: Meh.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Taylor would’ve gotten a huge steal… had he actually kept Josh Allen. Riez is thankful, though!PLAYERS RECEIVED

DIXIE NORMOUS: Latavius Murray

GOOD HOME COOKIN: Melvin Gordon

ORIGINAL REVIEW: Kyle with an Ocean’s Eleven-esque heist.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Kyle stealing a Kit-Kat bar from a liquor store. While Kyle still got by far the better value, Melvin Gordon didn’t really do anything.PLAYERS RECEIVED

JOP SUEY!!!: Adrian Peterson, Devonta Freeman, Tyrell Williams, Tyler Boyd

GRUDEN GRINDERS: Aaron Rodgers, Josh Jacobs, Calvin RidleyPLAYERS DROPPED

JOP SUEY!!!: Raheem Mostert

ORIGINAL REVIEW: Jimmy, but not by too much.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Jimmy made Taylor his bitch in this trade. Like holy fucking shit this was bad. Adrian Peterson and Tyler Boyd might be good once in a while, but Taylor got them for Aaron fucking Rodgers, future OROY Josh Jacobs, and a solid WR in Calvin Ridley. This trade single-handedly revived Jimmy’s season and pretty much doomed Taylor’s. The cherry on top: Taylor waived Raheem Mostert, who ended up killing it as the year went on! Methinks Taylor should stay away from trades for a while.

So in summary: no one, not even computers, knows what’s going on with fantasy football. But we all apparently know terrible football when we see it.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 4 TOILET BOWLS OF THE REGULAR SEASON

Speaking of terrible football, we’re getting close to the end of it. The playoffs are around the corner, and we’ve got plenty of contenders. The young and hungry San Francisco 49ers, the out for revenge New Orleans Saints, the probably not as good as their record Green Bay Packers, and the Seattle Seahawks ft. Beast Mode are fighting for a chance to get their asses kicked by the Baltimore Ravens in the Super Bowl. For 20 teams, this will be the last week of action until next season. While some of those teams are not awful, many of them are in fact terrible. To better appreciate what good football we’re about to watch in the postseason, let’s remember the best of the worst of the worst. 

In the polar opposite of the Super Bowl, the Toilet Bowl (also known as the Tank Bowl) features two teams everyone knows are shit and are often openly punting the season due to either them gunning for a high draft pick or simply wanting the season to end. We sometimes get terrible efforts. We sometimes get unexpectedly exciting contests. The best give us a little bit of both. These are the best Toilet Bowls of the 2019 season. 

To make these the truly elite games, I made the cut line four wins at most, so any team with a 4-11 record or worse at this point qualifies for a Toilet Bowl. This leaves us with five teams: the Cincinnati Bengals, Detroit Lions, Washington Redskins, New York Giants, and Miami Dolphins. While other teams certainly are bad, we’re looking for the bottom of the barrel in this case. 

HONORABLE MENTION: DETROIT LIONS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (WEEK 1)

This game had all the makings of the perfect Toilet Bowl. Detroit jumped out to a huge lead and was up 24-6 with 11 minutes to go. Then Arizona rallied to tie the game with 43 seconds to play. In OT, all the Lions and Cardinals could muster was a field goal each, with this game ending in a 27-27 tie. However, Arizona does not qualify for this list with their 5-9-1 record. Also, I refuse to blaspheme Kenyan “Playoff Jesus” Drake’s team, even though he wasn’t on it at the time.

4. DETROIT LIONS @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (WEEK 12)

This game was a beautiful shitshow, getting off to a perfect start with the first two drives resulting in a fumble and missed FG. Both the Lions and Redskins’ signal callers did little to help their offenses, with Dwayne Haskins overthrowing everyone and Jeff Driskel being… well Jeff Driskel. Detroit was ahead late, but Dustin Hopkins tied it with a FG with less than two minutes left. Then, Driskel threw an INT in the final minute to set up Hopkins’ game-winning kick. Haskins was so happy about the Redskins’ 19-16 win, he forgot to take the final snap in victory formation. 

3. NEW YORK GIANTS @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (WEEK 16)

The barn burner no one saw coming, the Giants and Redskins’ defenses decided to take last week off. Saquon Barkley had arguably his best game ever with 279 total yards of offense and two scores, while Daniel Jones threw for 352 yards and five TDs. But while New York had two 14-point leads and Dwayne Haskins was injured in the second half, Case Keenum led Washington to a dramatic comeback, tying the game with less than a minute to play. But seeing as this was a game of offense, the Giants took the ball in OT, marched down the field, and won 41-35.  

2. WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (WEEK 6)

The battle between the winless Redskins and Dolphins produced unreal drama. After both offenses really failed to get going in the first half, Washington took a 17-3 lead in the 3rd quarter and appeared to have the game in hand. But then Miami made a spirited comeback behind Ryan Fitzpatrick, who found DeVante Parker with six seconds left to bring the Dolphins within a point. Rather than send it to OT, Miami went for the win. However, their two-point conversion attempt failed miserable (it wasn’t Kenyan Drake’s fault) and the Redskins held on in a 17-16 final.

1. CINCINNATI BENGALS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (WEEK 16)

We knew this Bengals-Dolphins tilt had potential, and man did it live up to the hype. It looked like Miami would blow Cincinnati out, as they held a 35-12 lead with just over six minutes to play. But then the Bengals made an incredible rally, scoring three TDs (two in the last 30 seconds), getting two two-point conversions and recovering an onside kick along the way to force OT. Neither offense did anything until late, when Jason Sanders booted home a 38-35 victory at the buzzer for Miami. But while the Dolphins won the game, the Bengals won the tank war (and Joe Burrow).

ALL-TIME SNUBS

Tomorrow night, the ten QBs who made the NFL’s All-Time team will be revealed. Those ten players will complete the 100-player, ten-coach roster of the supposed best of the best to ever suit up. As mentioned in an earlier newsletter, the selection panel has made some easy calls, as well as some catastrophically stupid decisions. I thought we’d seen the worst with the RB corps, but it turns out that was only just the start. I mean, take a look at their picks for WR. You’re telling me Elroy Hirsch and Paul Warfield deserve to get in over the likes of Terrell Owens, Calvin Johnson, Michael Irvin, and Cris Carter? Get the fuck out of here.

I’ve had enough and decided to make sure those who were unfairly left out made some kind of list. Below, I’ve made a full starting lineup of the best players who didn’t make the All-Time team, broken down by position. On offense, I’m going with one QB, two RBs and WRs, a TE, and five lineman (one at each position). I decided to run a 3-4 defense simply because I think the best talent pool of snubs exists in the LB position. That means one DT, two DEs, two OLBs, two MLBs, two CBs, and two FS/SSs. I also included a K, P, returners, a specific special teams position, and a head coach. 

You’ll also notice there are a lot of modern era players on this list. Before you accuse me of recency bias, consider that all of the older guys I would’ve picked have already been named to the All-Time team, which features much more of them than I believe deserved to be there. I understand the panel wanted to not completely forget the black and white era, but I think they went too far. For as good as those players were for their time, the game is objectively better and more organized in the Super Bowl era. The panel ended up cutting off their nose in attempt to get things right.

These players were selected from those who were named finalists for the All-Time team at their respective positions, but weren’t named to the final roster. I couldn’t just pick a guy like Ken Stabler at QB because I thought he deserved it. I wanted to be objective as I could while doing this, and keeping myself to the pool already narrowed down by the panel seemed right. For a reference to the list of both the All-Time team and finalists, click here. 

Now, let’s get to the best of the rest.

(cue theme music 2)

I know this music doesn’t fit exactly with what I’m going for here, but goddamn it this is my victory lap newsletter and there’s no way I’m not including some Foo Fighters in here.

QUARTERBACK: TBD

As mentioned above, the only positions on the All-Time Team not filled are the ten QBs. I think five are mortal locks: Tom Brady, Joe Montana, Peyton Manning, Dan Marino, and John Elway. I also think Terry Bradshaw is a likely inclusion and at least two QBs from the black and white era will get in (probably Sammy Baugh and Otto Graham). So many guys are worthy of the final two spots, which I predict will go to Johnny Unitas and Brett Favre. So in order, my remaining QB list goes: Steve Young, Aaron Rodgers, Troy Aikman, Drew Brees, and Roger Staubach. 

RUNNING BACK: MARCUS ALLEN & LADAINIAN TOMLINSON

My disdain for the snubs of Marcus Allen and LaDainian Tomlinson has already been discussed in an earlier newsletter. Both of these guys are much more than just RBs — they’re incredibly adept at catching the ball as well. Allen was the first player to gain more than 10,000 rushing yards and 5,000 receiving yards. Tomlinson has the single-season record for rushing TDs (28) and TDs from scrimmage (31). Both are in the Top 10 all-time in yards from scrimmage. If either of their teams got close to the goal line, Allen and Tomlinson were basically guaranteed TDs. 

WIDE RECEIVER: TERRELL OWENS & CALVIN JOHNSON

Goddamn and I thought the RB list was bad. These two alone might be better than all but two WRs who did make the list. The NFL has a massive hate boner for Terrell Owens, who took forever to get in the HOF simply because he wasn’t exactly a boy scout during his career. He’s clearly a Top 5 WR who should’ve been a no doubt member of the list. As for Calvin Johnson, a shorter career might’ve played a big roll in missing the cut. But he’s the Barry Sanders of WRs (even down to the whole Detroit Lions thing) and undoubtedly one of the best ever. 

TIGHT END: SHANNON SHARPE

As much as I wanted to be a homer and put Dave Casper here, the two clear cut next options at TE were Antonio Gates and Shannon Sharpe. While Gates was an incredible player who sort of predated Rob Gronkowski as the physically “unguardable” TE in the NFL, Sharpe was somehow even more amazing before he began creating memes and verbally bitchslapping Ship Bayless on TV. Sharpe was a key figure on three Super Bowl champions in four seasons. When he retired, Sharpe was the all-time leader in receptions (815), receiving yards (10,060), and receiving TDs (62) by a TE. He was also the first TE to surpass 10,000 career receiving yards. 

TACKLE: JOE THOMAS & ORLANDO PACE

How to be a HOF player despite playing for the Cleveland Browns: never miss a snap (10,363 total) during your career while being named to the Pro Bowl in every full season you play. That’s Joe Thomas’ career in a nutshell: break records with incredible play yet get no payoff. Just add being snubbed from the All-Time team onto it all. Orlando Pace, on the other hand, did get a Super Bowl title for his hard work. Pace was the cornerstone of the St. Louis Rams offense which produced historic totals in points and yards, as well as and three straight MVPs. 

GUARD: WILL SHIELDS & JERRY KRAMER

The Joe Thomas before Joe Thomas, Will Shields never missed a game in 14 seasons. Shields was either a First or Second-Team All-Pro for half of those seasons and picked up 12 Pro Bowl selections on the way. However, Shields only won two playoff games in his career, something Jerry Kramer can’t exactly relate to. A vital member of the Green Bay Packers’ 1960’s dynasty, Kramer was one of the blockers for the game-winning TD in the Ice Bowl. Kramer had to want until 2018 to get into the HOF and was often considered the best player not in the hall. 

CENTER: DERMONTTI DAWSON

After HOFer Mike Webster (who made the All-Time team) retired from the NFL, he was replaced by Dermontti Dawson. No pressure, right? All Dawson did was have a HOF career in his own right, complete with six straight All-Pro selections. Dawson’s nickname was “Dirt” for the way he ground opponents into the ground, though he was often called “Ned Flanders” for his friendly, off-field demeanor. He also was called one of the best players ever at his position by guys like Bill Cowher and Bill Belichick, and I think they know a little bit about the game of football. 

DEFENSIVE END: J.J. WATT & DEMARCUS WARE

You may cite recency bias with these picks, but consider how both J.J. Watt and DeMarcus Ware were finalists despite the injuries they’ve dealt with. Both are the all-time sack and forced fumble leaders for the two Lone Star state franchises. Watt is one of only two men to ever win three DPOY awards and the only one to record two seasons with 20 or more sacks. Ware posted seven straight seasons with ten or more sacks and was the second-fastest player ever to reach 100 career sacks. These efforts all happened in the modern, offense-happy NFL. 

DEFENSIVE TACKLE: CORTEZ KENNEDY

Because of my 3-4 defense, only one DT gets the nod here. It was close, but I ended up going with Cortez Kennedy. Not only did he change what everyone thought large-bodied interior lineman can be used, but he was named DPOY while on a Seattle Seahawks team that finished with a 2-14 record. Kennedy was also incredibly durable for someone at his position. Had I gone with the 4-3, I would’ve put Ernie Stautner as my second DT, who was also pretty damn durable. Stautner had more Pro Bowl appearances (9) than games missed (6) in his 14-year career.

OUTSIDE LINEBACKER: DERRICK THOMAS & KEVIN GREENE

Another incredibly stacked position, LB was another tough cut for the All-Time team. Yet, they still fucked up big time. Derrick Thomas was absolutely prolific at getting to the QB, putting up insane sack totals, including a single-game record of seven. Thomas would’ve ended up much higher on the stats list had he not made some incredibly dumb mistakes that led to his death at just 33 years old. Kevin Greene is already pretty high on those lists, finishing his career with the third most sacks in NFL history. Also, Greene thrived in the 3-4, which is what I’m running. 

MIDDLE LINEBACKER: MIKE SINGLETARY & RAY NITSCHKE

A Bear and Packer sharing the middle of the field? It’s almost as crazy as both Mike Singletary and Ray Nitschke not making the All-Time team. Both anchored some of the most prolific defenses in football history. Singletary was the heart and brains of the ’85 Bears, arguably the best unit the NFL has ever seen. Nitschke was the leader of Vince Lombardi’s Packers defense that was the backbone of their championship runs in the 60’s. Between Singletary’s eyes and Nitschke’s… well everything, both also made the Top 10 in my scariest players ever list. 

CORNERBACK: CHARLES WOODSON & AENEAS WILLIAMS

There was no fucking way, if he wasn’t named to the All-Time team, Charles Woodson, would’ve not made this list. Owner of one of the most decorated football resumes of all time, Woodson is an Oakland Raiders icon who was a frequent member of the All-Pro and Pro Bowl teams, as well as the INT leaderboard. As easy as Woodson’s selection was, the final QB spot was my toughest cut of the entire list. Herb Adderley and Champ Bailey both had compelling cases, but I went with Aeneas Williams because he did most of what he did with the terrible Arizona Cardinals. 

SAFETY: TROY POLAMALU & PAUL KRAUSE

How the goddamn shit did Troy Polamalu not make the All-Time team? Going beyond his prolific stats and honors earned in his career, Polamalu had the best natural football instinct I’ve ever seen, with absolutely incredible and genius plays scattered across his highlight reel. It says a lot when you make the All-Time team for a franchise like the Pittsburgh Steelers. Paul Krause’s career is packed with INTs, which he led the league in with 12 as a rookie. Krause used his great speed and range to snag 81 INTs in his career, more than anyone else in NFL history. 

KICKING: MORTEN ANDERSEN & JERREL WILSON

Now we’re getting into the easy selections. With only four Ks and Ps named as finalists and two of them from each group named to the All-Time team, I only had two players to pick from at each position. I want consistency in the kicking game, so give me Morten Andersen, the career leader in FGs made and points scored before Adam Vinatieri came along. I also want someone to boot the ball as far away from my end zone as possible, so give me the guy with a stick of dynamite in his foot. Jerrel Wilson also had the nickname “Thunderfoot,” which is fucking incredible. 

RETURNERS: BRIAN MITCHELL & MEL GRAY

This was by far the easiest position to select, because I didn’t have to make any cuts. Brian Mitchell and Mel Gray were the only two finalists for returners not named to the All-Time team. The only thing I had to do was put one as my punt returner and the other as my kickoff guy. Mitchell is on punt duty, having scored the third-most punt return TDs ever and finishing second on the NFL’s all-purpose yardage list behind only Jerry fucking Rice. Gray — the oldest, second-oldest, and third-oldest player to return a kickoff for a TD — will be my kickoff guy. 

SPECIAL TEAMS: STEVE TASKER & MATTHEW SLATER

This is where I’m going rogue and creating my own position. Special teams may not be the most glamorous squad ever, but it’s absolutely crucial to football. They have a special teams spot for the Pro Bowl, yet none on the All-Time team or in the HOF. So in this case, fuck the NFL — I do what I want. The first of these two spots goes to the guy who would be the All-Time team guy: Steve Tasker. The second goes to by far the best currently playing: Matthew Slater. If the NFL would do its job, Tasker and Slater would get the recognition they deserve. 

COACH: JOHN MADDEN

Call me a homer, but you can’t argue against John Madden’s credentials. Aside from coaching one of the greatest teams of all time in the Super Bowl champion 1976 Oakland Raiders, Madden never had a losing season in his ten years at the helm of an NFL squad. He was the fastest coach to reach 100 regular season wins and has the second-best winning percentage in league history. As a coach, you also have to manage egos and personalities. I defy you to name me a team with more… let’s call them “interesting” personalities than the 1970’s Raiders. 

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Turns out the Oakland Raiders had one more home game in California.

It’s always nice to beat the Chargers. When the visiting fans also drown out the home crowd in LA, the Raiders limit Hunter Henry and Keenan Allen while specifically keeping them out of the end zone, and me keeping Hunter Renfrow on my roster the entire season is justified (yes he was on my bench, but still).

The win also kept Oakland somehow mathematically alive for the playoffs. But I’m not exactly optimistic, considering several games have to go specific ways on Sunday. Mist important: the Raiders have to beat the Broncos in Denver, a place full of voodoo magic bullshit. Even if the odds somehow fall in our favor, the endgame is a likely ass kicking at the hands of the Kansas City Chiefs. While stranger things have happened, nothing good happens to the Raiders. More than likely, Week 17 will be the final time the Silver and Black takes the field as the “Oakland” Raiders. Sin City is calling, and to the higher ups that’s when things really start mattering.

(Side Note: the 2020 NFL Draft is April 23-25 in Las Vegas. Road trip?)

With all that’s happened this season and what’s to come next year, it’s time to open the floor to the Raiders fans in the league! I got a plethora of replies to my call to action, so let’s see what you have to say about the Silver and Black…

… oh yeah, y’all fucking ignored me. Fuck you guys. This is why I can’t outsource any single part of this newsletter.

Anyway, let’s look back on a much happier time in Raiders history…

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 26, 1976, the Oakland Raiders finally conquered their demon. In the 70’s, the Raiders were without a doubt one of the best teams in football. However, they had nothing to show for it, falling short in the playoffs every time. Think the San Diego Chargers of the late 00’s and early 10’s. For the Raiders, their gremlin was the Pittsburgh Steelers, who had defeated Oakland in the previous two AFC title games en route to Super Bowl wins. Those conference championship games were held in Pittsburgh, where the freezing conditions contributed to the Steelers’ success. But after a cathartic comeback Week 1 win over Pittsburgh, Oakland rolled to a 13-1 record and the top seed in the AFC. One of those wins came against the Cincinnati Bengals, who (had they managed to win) could’ve knocked the Steelers out of playoff contention. But the Raiders wanted to go through their arch rivals, and they got their wish a few weeks later in the AFC Championship Game. That contest being in Oakland wasn’t the only advantage the Silver and Black had — the Steelers were also missing RBs Franco Harris and Rocky Bleier, who both had rushed for over 1,000 yards that season. But on that sunny day in Oakland, it didn’t matter who was wearing black and yellow, especially when the Steelers shot themselves in the foot. An awful punt by Bobby Walden led to an Errol Mann FG and Willie Hall’s INT of Terry Bradshaw set up a Clarence Davis TD to make it 10-0. Pittsburgh would cut the deficit to 10-7 in the 2nd quarter, but Oakland responded with a 14-play, 69-yard drive capped off by a Warren Bankston catch in the end zone to increase the lead to 17-7 at halftime. The Raiders defense completely shut down the Steelers in the 2nd half, while Ken Stabler hit Pete Banaszak for a TD to complete a 12-play, 63-yard drive, making the count 24-7 and essentially put the game away. The Raiders finally shed their “can’t win the big game” label two weeks later in a 32-14 win over the Minnesota Vikings in Super Bowl XI, bringing home Oakland’s first Lombardi Trophy. That AFC title game was one of only two ever held in Oakland (not counting the 1967 AFL championship, which the Raiders won to advance to Super Bowl II) and one of only three the Silver and Black have ever hosted. Sadly, both of those statistics are unlikely to change anytime soon.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1991 — Legendary HOF Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Chuck Noll retires.
• 1991 — The Soviet Union dissolves, ending the Cold War.
• 1966 — The first Kwanzaa is celebrated by Maulana Karenga, the chair of Black Studies at CSU Long Beach.
• 1965 — The Buffalo Bills defeat the San Diego Chargers 23-0 to win the AFL title.
• 1964 — The Buffalo Bills defeat the San Diego Chargers 20-7 to win the AFL title. No, this is not an accidental repeat.
• 1963 — The Beatles’ “I Want to Hold Your Hand” and “I Saw Her Standing There” are released in the U.S.
• 1960 — The Philadelphia Eagles defeat the Green Bay Packers 17-13 to win the NFL title
• 1955 — The Cleveland Browns defeat the LA Rams 38-14 to win the NFL title.
• 1954 — The Cleveland Browns defeat the Detroit Lions 56-10 to win the NFL title.
• 1943 — The Chicago Bears defeat the Washington Redskins 41-21 to win the NFL title.
• 1941 — President Franklin Roosevelt signs a bill establishing the fourth Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day in the U.S.
• 1934 — The Yomiuri Giants, Japan’s first professional baseball team, forms.
• 1919 — Babe Ruth is sold to the new york yankees by Boston Red Sox owner Harry Frazee, who I sincerely hope is rotting in hell.
• 1917 — Harry Cameron becomes the first defenseman to score a goal in an NHL game and records the first ever Gordie Howe hat trick in a 7-5 Toronto Arenas win over the Montreal Canadiens.
• 1908 — Jack Johnson defeats Tommy Burns, becoming the first black World Heavyweight Champion in boxing history.
• 1898 — Marie and Pierre Curie announce the isolation of radium.
• 1862 — 38 indigenous people are killed in Mankato, MN in the largest mass-hanging in U.S. history.
• 1860 — Sheffield defeats Hallam 2-0 in the first ever organized club soccer match.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1986 — Kit Harington, actor best known as Jon Snow in Game of Thrones.
• 1971 — Jared Leto, Academy Award-winning actor and lead vocalist of Thirty Seconds to Mars.
• 1963 — Lars Ulrich, co-founder and drummer of Metallica.
• 1954 — Ozzie Smith, HOF shortstop and World Series champion.
• 1947 — Carlton Fisk, HOF catcher and Boston Red Sox legend best known for “waiving fair” his walk-off, 12th inning HR in Game 6 of the 1975 World Series.
• 1939 — Phil Spector, producer and one of the most influential figures in pop music history.
• 1933 — Caroll Spinney, puppeteer best known for playing Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street.
• 1837 — George Dewey, the only person to ever attain the rank of Admiral of the Navy.

DEATHS:

• 2006 — Gerald Ford, 38th president of the U.S.
• 2004 — Reggie White, HOF DE and rightful member of the NFL All-Time team.
• 1972 — Harry Truman, 33rd president of the U.S.
• 1963 — “Gorgeous” George Wagner, iconic wrestler whose flamboyant personality influenced the likes of Muhammad Ali and James Brown.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Whiners Day! Or as Cowboys fans call it, every fucking day! 

How fucking incredible is it that, after the all the hype and failure to live up to it, that Dallas must rely on these guys to beat the utterly crippled Eagles team that kicked their ass in Philadelphia? By the way, that Eli/Jones celebration is the whitest thing I’ve ever seen.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

RESTAURANT HAS SECOND-LARGEST COLLECTION OF NUTCRACKERS IN THE U.S.

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — It’s nutcracker galore!

Joanne Gerace wanted to fill up some space on the mantle at tiny’s grill in Utica, New York – so, she bought a nutcracker.

That was in 1994, more than 24 years ago and the collection has slowly grown.

It’s now the second-largest collection of nutcrackers in the U.S. behind only The Nutcracker Museum in Washington State.

READ MORE

When this story aired, the anchors couldn’t stop laughing at how many times they had to say the word “nutcracker” on air. It was awesome. 

STAT OF THE WEEK

🙂 Guess what time it is?

EPIC BOWL IX RECAP

3. ORCHIDS OF ASIA DEF. 1. 49ERS

123.26 – 98.30

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For a championship matchup, neither Orchids of Asia or 49ers exactly started on fire. The first game Saturday featured a clash of QBs that should’ve been a shootout, but quickly devolved into a shitshow. Without Chris Godwin or Mike Evans, Jameis Winston (15 points) might’ve had more key passes to Texans DBs than his WRs. But at least he did more than Deshaun Watson (11 points), who didn’t even get in the end zone against one of the worst passing defenses in football. Watson’s disappointing outing left me thinking I was screwed. Fortunately, Julian Edelman (nine points) provided some stability, while the Gee’s mighty Patriots defense only gave him five points against the less than stellar Bills offense. With Gee (ultimately meaninglessly) swapping out Robbie Gould after my written preview, all I had to worry about Saturday was George Kittle, whose lengthy periods without a target certainly had me nervious. But a late TD put Kittle at 13 points, giving me a slight (but fragile) edge going into the final slate of games Sunday. 

Then right out of the gate, I received a big blow. After just one catch, D.J. Moore suffered a concussion and was out of the game. That left the Panthers offense on even thinner ice, and it took another superhuman effort from my MVP Christian McCaffrey (17 points) to stay productive despite being Carolina’s only threat. I thought I got a break with a swell day by Mark Andrews (21 points) and the Ravens defense largely shut down Nick Chubb (four points). But Baltimore’s lack of sacks mean they only gave me three points (four fewer than Joe Schobert gave Gee), wiping out any advantage New England’s own poor effort provided. However, this was nothing compared to the horror that was the Saints-Titans game. After a long TD from A.J. Brown (14 points) made up for Godwin’s absence, Alvin Kamara woke up. For Kamara (who not scored since Week 3) to find the end zone twice and put up 23 points clearly was a cruel twist of fate. Gee now had the edge, and I knew I needed a minor miracle to withstand what was to come and stay in it.

Gee’s final, and best, punch was set to come in the afternoon. Keenan Allen and Hunter Henry were to face the putrid Raiders defense, Ezekiel Elliott was up against the Eagles (who he had never lost to), and Jason Myers was kicking at home against the Cardinals. With only one player going at the same time, I thought my slim lead was done for. But the final push Gee’s offense was expected to make… never really came. Between Oakland’s long drives on offense and an early injury that hampered Philip Rivers, Allen (six points) and Henry (eight points) were pretty much held in check, never even finding the end zone. I have never been happier to see Melvin Gordin score. One RB who didn’t get a TD was Elliott (eight points), who — along with the rest of the Cowboys — didn’t show up in Philadelphia’s shutdown of Dallas. Meyers (ten points) ended up being the most productive, though the Seahawks were shockingly beaten down by the Cardinals. But there was one other player on the field in Seattle who made a whole lot more noise.

I drafted him in the eighth round, held onto him during his days with the Dolphins, stowed him away after Miami traded him to Arizona, and stuck with him as he got acclimated to his new home. In the semi-finals, he gave me an incredible effort when I turned to him in desperate need. But never did I expect my faith in him to be rewarded as much as it was. I’m talking, of course, about Kenyan “Pay This Man” Drake, who dropped a 30-point, utterly clutch performance with the title on the line. When Drake responded to the Seahawks’ TD by ripping off an 80-yard scoring run of his own, I screamed even louder than I did on October 28, 2018. For the first time, I let myself believe I could actually win this damn thing. When Drake put the game away with his second score in Seattle, I knew there was no way I could lose. When Blake Martinez (six points) and Mason Crosby (ten points) did was window dressing. As those final seconds ticked off the clock, I raised my arms in victory, finally — FUCKING FINALLY — an Epic Bowl winner.

IN MEMORIAM

49ERS (GEE)

Our league’s version of the New England Patriots (by which I mean consistently good) had yet another stellar season this year. Although they were stupidly given a horrible draft grade, 49ers did what they always do: wheel and deal. As much shit as we give Gee for his many moves, he more often than not gets results, with this year as a prime example. Gee went 4-0 out of the gates and ended up with more games with over 130 points scored than games with less than 100 points scored. Unsurprisingly (especially after his epic clash of the titans win over Good Home COOKin), Gee scored the No. 1 seed and cemented himself as the team to beat. Despite a bit of a bump to end the regular season, Gee got hot again come playoff time, destroying Three Eyed Ravens before dropping a season-high 159 points on Darth Raider in the sem-finals. Sadly for Gee, little of that offense carried over into the Epic Bowl, where some of his best weapons had shockingly bad days. Hopefully the BWW, beer, and $90 can be some consolation.  

IN VICTORY

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ORCHIDS OF ASIA (RUBEN)

Even after last season’s heartbreaking loss in the Epic Bowl, I did not think this would be the year I finally brought home the gold. Even knowing Yahoo! is full of shit, I was dismayed by terrible draft grade. But what those “experts didn’t know” was that, of the three big name RBs available, I happened to land by far the best one. Week after week, Christian McCaffrey was a goddamn animal out there. The problem was that the rest of Orchids if Asia was far from consistent. I was 2-2 after four weeks, averaging 127 points in my wins and 72 points in my losses. This shit made no sense, especially when I shockingly dropped 172 points on 49ers in Week 5. I thought I had finally hit a stride. Nope. Just two weeks after nearly breaking the league’s single-week scoring record, I suffered my worst loss of the season to Gruden Grinders. With my best WR, T.Y. Hilton, out for a while and the rest of my roster not living up to their potential, I was sporting a 4-3 record and at a crossroads in my season, thinking I would have to fight just to make the playoffs.

But then something amazing happened: I just kept winning. From Week 8 onward, I didn’t taste defeat at all, including in a stunning revenge game against Good Home COOKin. During my nine-game, season-ending winning streak, I didn’t finish with fewer than 100 points a week, becoming shockingly consistent. I had made a few but necessary moves along the way, snagging the likes of the Ravens defense, Mason Crosby, and Blake Martinez to fill the gaps. Faith in later round picks like Mark Andrews paid off, and guys like George Kittle proved my faith in taking them so high. I ended up tied for the best record in the league and just 23 points shy of the No. 1 seed. But it was after a redemption win over Jimmy in the quarter-finals that, in the best decision I made all year, I moved Kenyan Drake (my eighth round draft pick) into the starting lineup. Drake’s incredible performances pushed me past Kyle and Gee and to that elusive glory. This win was a long time coming, but looking at what my team accomplished, it certainly was no fluke.  

THE STARS OF THE CHAMPIONS

I owe my triumph to more than a handful of players, with contributions coming from the likes of Julian Edelman, Larry Fitzgerald, Jordan Hicks, Hunter Renfrow, Blake Martinez, Mason Crosby, and the Ravens/49ers defenses. But throughout the season, there were six players who stood above the rest, consistently putting up meaningful contributions. While they certainly had their rough patches, these guys had far more hits than misses. I would’ve be sitting where I am (looking down on the rest of the league from the champion’s throne) without them.

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D.J. “MR. RELIABLE” MOORE

Did you know D.J. Moore’s first name is Denniston? Probably not. What you also might not know is that Moore has been in the Top 5 for receiving yards all season. Given Carolina’s QB situation went from a banged up Cam Newton to Kyle Allen to Will Grier, that’s pretty damn impressive. While he didn’t get in the end zone a lot, Moore was frequently on the receiving end of a decent amount of passes when the Panthers were playing catch up. It’s a shame he got concussed this past week, because he certainly didn’t deserve to put up a goose egg in the Epic Bowl. 

GEORGE “BEAST MODE” KITTLE

To think I was scoffed at when I made George Kittle my second overall pick. I would only go for a TE that high if I knew he had potential, which Kittle more than proved he had. Showing last year was no fluke, Kittle overcame injury issues to put up some monster results in a much improved 49ers offense. Kittle became Jimmy G’s favorite target and the goofy face of San Francisco’s push for the playoffs. That moment where he went beast mode in the Superdome might’ve been my favorite play of the season, and it perfectly demonstrates what Kittle brings to the table. 

MARK “TDS IN BUNCHES” ANDREWS

My piece of the Ravens’ seemingly unstoppable offense, Mark Andrews started the year off on fire, but had a notable cooling down period in the middle of the season. But then something clicked around the halfway point and Andrews became Lamar Jackson’s go-to pass catcher. While there were some rough spots late in the season, if Andrews was going to contribute, he was going to score a lot. Over the last eight weeks, Andrews either got fewer than five points or more than 11. Fortunately for me, Andrews gave me the latter these past two weeks. 

DESHAUN “JAMEIS JUNIOR” WATSON

With all the talk about Jameis Winston’s “gunslinger” play style, Deshaun Watson’s own antics get overshadowed. Like Crab Legs, Watson can absolutely light it up, with six games of at least 27 points (including a 41-burger). But he can also disappear, like his disappearance in the Epic Bowl. Still, Watson did far more good than bad. When he was playing like hot ass against Denver, I thought I was sunk. However, Watson got finally his shit together, tore through the Broncos in the final 20ish minutes, and ended up with 30 points. That late push saved my season. 

(2024 edit: huh, Deshaun Watson praise…)

CHRISTIAN “THE PEOPLE’S MVP” MCCAFFREY

Christian McCaffrey, you are fucking incredible. With Saquon Barkley and Alvin Kamara taken before me, I eagerly snatched McCaffrey with the third overall pick. What I got was an MVP-worthy season, with McCaffrey literally doing everything in Carolina. From shredding the opposition on the ground to mixing things up in the Panthers’ passing game, McCaffrey had the third-most points out of any player (Deshaun Watson was second). McCaffrey was by far my most consistent and productive player in 2019. Incredibly, I didn’t fuck up with a first round RB! 

KENYAN “MOTHERFUCKING” DRAKE

In 1994, scientists conducted an experiment to take the powers of Superman, Goku, and Jesus and put them into a RB. That resulted in Kenyan Drake, although there was one thing hindering his true power: Miami. After the Dolphins sent him to Arizona, he showed flashes of his potential, but mostly couldn’t break through. Then, it happened. Drake exploded for 38 points to pull me away in the semi-finals, before bringing home the trophy with a 30-point effort in the Epic Bowl. Christian McCaffrey might’ve been my rock, but Drake was the reason I won the gold.

14 years after my only competitive season of football, during which I wore No. 41 for the Cardinals, I win a fantasy football championship because of No. 41 for the Cardinals. It’s fate.

Basically the same player.

2019 EPIC LEAGUE AWARDS

With the end of the 2019 fantasy football season, let us look back at the year that was, so everyone can get some kind of award. I mean, it’s not as good as my championship trophy, but still. Let us honor our own “achievements” in 2019. The teams are arranged via their seeds at the end of the playoffs. 

(1) ORCHIDS OF ASIA

For me: the “Baltimore Ravens Taking Flight Award.” While our actual trophy is enough of a reminder of my accomplishment, my season didn’t start out on fire. Much like the Ravens, who were average in the first quarter of the season. But then Baltimore turned it the fuck up, haven’t lost since, earned home field advantage throughout the playoffs, and are clearly the best team in the NFL. Does that whole long winning streak and best team in the league description remind you of anyone? I’m not sure who my Lamar Jackson is, but it’s probably Christian McCaffrey.

(2) 49ERS

For Gee: the “San Francisco 49ers Really Good, But… Award.” The 49ers have been stellar all season, like Gee was in the regular and postseason. However, there always seemed to be a “but” whenever someone praised San Francisco. First it was that they hadn’t played anyone. Then it was they lost some close games. Now it’s that they’re injured to shit. While the 49ers’ ultimate fate remains to be seen, those injuries to their defense might keep them from winning it all, much like Gee ultimately came just short of the prize despite a strong overall year from him.

(3) DARTH RAIDER

For the Arik: the “Arizona Cardinals Turning It Up Late Award.” For the early part of the season, the Cardinals were utter garbage. Then suddenly, Kliff Kingsbury’s offense started to click and Arizona was able to score with anyone. With their current winning streak, they’re a few defensive pieces away from competing. After Arik’s long losing streak, his team got its shit together and won six in a row to qualify for the top spot. Arik scored a lot in the playoffs and while he didn’t win it all (3rd is a nice consolation though) it wasn’t because of any lack of offense.

(4) GOOD HOME COOKIN

For Kyle: the “New England Patriots Defending Champ Sputters Out Award.” Coming in as the trophy holder (keep it shiny for me, please), Kyle did well to try and keep it in his grasp. But while his record was stellar, his offense began to fade as the season went on. Ultimately, his season ended with two defeats where he didn’t put up much of a fight. While Patriots’ fate remains to be seen, it’s clear the reigning Super Bowl champs don’t have the firepower they used to. Hopefully, they, like Kyle, get knocked out of the playoffs in blowout fashion for my enjoyment.

(5) THREE EYED RAVENS

For Ewing: the “Seattle Seahawks One Man Band Award.” Despite injury, bad luck, and honestly poor play around him, Russell Wilson has balled the fuck out and essentially dragged the Seahawks to a prime position in the playoffs. As much as I don’t want Seattle to win, I’ve got to give Wilson props. Meantime, the only one on Ewing’s roster worth a damn was Lamar Jackson, who was sometimes responsible for nearly half of his total points. It was largely thanks to Jackson that Ewing even made the playoffs, because no one else on the team did jack shit.

(6) GRUDEN GRINDERS

For the Jimmy: the “Dallas Cowboys Failing To Get Their Shit Together Award.” Jimmy started the season as the last winless team in the league, but managed to right the ship and make the playoffs. However, he never quite got it completely right, never finishing below .500 and his inconsistent showings ultimately leading to his early exit. The Cowboys have been world beaters at times and pushovers at many others. This inconsistent play has them on the outside looking in. But even if they do make the playoffs, they’re also likely to suffer a first round defeat.

(7) FOOTBALLDAMUS

For Riez: the “Tennessee Titans Perfectly Mediocre Award.” For most of their history, the Titans have been the epitome of a “meh” team, never really doing anything and somehow always 9-7. Though this year’s team, as streaky as it is, looks like it’ll also finish 9-7, that mark appears good enough to make the playoffs. Riez is the only team I didn’t have to move to a new spot this year. No. 7 seems like the perfect position. Like always, Riez’s team was content to hover around .500 all year and get bounced from the playoffs early, like the Titans seem set to do this year.

(8) DIXIE NORMOUS

For Nick: the “Pittsburgh Steelers How The Hell Are They Still Alive Award.” The Steelers lost Antonio Brown and LeVeon Bell in the offseason, lost Ben Roethlisberger due to injury early in the season, and have a mediocre at best offense led by a guy who’s accomplished more as a duck caller than a football player. Yet, they’ve somehow hung in there and may still make the playoffs. Nick was once again the lowest scoring team in the league, yet somehow managed to string together some wins and make the playoffs. He was eliminated early, but still.

(9) JOP SUEY!!!

For Taylor: the “Cleveland Browns Big Trade Backfire Award.” When the Browns traded for OBJ in the offseason, they were instantly labeled Super Bowl contenders. Instead, they largely fell flat on their face and reverted to being the Browns again. I’m not sure Taylor thought trading away Aaron Rodgers and Josh Jacobs for peanuts made him an Epic Bowl contender, but if he did he needed to be cut off from whatever he was drinking at the time. That trade sunk any hopes he had of a nice season, just as the OBJ trade might end up being more bad than good.

(10) C’S CHAMPION TEAM

For Chriss: the “Miami Dolphins Openly Punting The Season Award.” The Dolphins never cared about competing this year, and everyone knew it. Their eyes were on landing Tua Tagovailoa and getting all of the draft picks they could for a rebuild. Once Chriss somehow locked himself out of his own team, any further input was gone. Despite efforts to reassign his team to a different email address so he can actually do something, Chriss decided “fuck it” and let the chips fell where they may. Where they fell was not good for Chriss, who unsurprisingly wasn’t in the playoffs.

(11) THE KRISPY KRITTERS

For Richard: the “Jacksonville Jaguars Complete Free Fall Award.” Remember two years ago when the Blake Bortles-led Jaguars nearly beat Tom Brady and made it to the Super Bowl? Now, those Jaguars seem to have made a complete fall from grace, now saddled with an awful team, millions in dead salary to injured players, and a toxic culture surrounding them. Richard’s season started decently enough, but soon he went into a downward spiral that saw him finish just a few points above last place. A playoff participant last year, Richard was far from it in 2019.

(12) SLEEPING GIANTS

For Dad: the “Chicago Bears Put Their Faith In The Wrong QB Award.” The Bears fucked up royally by passing on the likes of MVP candidate Deshaun Watson and defending MVP Pat Mahomes in favor of the Titty Kisser, who is only kissing the dirt after his latest sack at this point. Ironically, it was Mahomes who Dad put his faith in with the fourth overall pick. While Mahomes had a decent enough season, a only Watson or Lamar Jackson might’ve been worth a pick that high. Dad’s faith in Mahomes was rewarded with a shameful last place finish.

ONE LAST THING

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How do I even begin to describe this season? On a personal note, winning the Epic Bowl for the first time was something I’ve been craving for years. To finally accomplish that goal is amazing, though if I’m honest if I knew I was going to win it all I probably would’ve picked a different name than one referencing the Asian massage parlor where Robert Kraft got a handjob. Having said that, I’ve been the only member of this league to choose a different team name each year. Part of it is because there’s a lot of possibilities for a fun name. But the main reason was that, if I was going to retain a name for multiple years, I wanted it to be a winner. As close as teams like Danger Zone and Wings of Freedom got in years past, I needed to start a legacy with a champion. Finally, I have one. So, I’m pleased to announce that next season, Orchids of Asia will return to defend their title, and possibly remain a fixture in the Epic League for years to come.

But all of that is to come in the future. To close the final newsletter of 2019, I want to thank each and every one of you for making this fantasy football season one for the ages. I write these things not just as a creative outlet for myself, but to entertain you guys and make this league stand out among the shit ton you already play in. Even if you’ve barely taken a glance, humored me by saying you actually read these, or do in fact read the newsletters each week, I hope you appreciate the effort.

I hope all of you return for 2020 and get your dues in just as quickly (if not sooner) than you did this season. I look forward to seeing all of you at this year’s Super Bowl party, where I will finally get to take home the trophy. Sadly, FOX40 is broadcasting Super Bowl LIV, so getting out of work might be more difficult than expected. But even if I can’t be there for the game itself, I will make an appearance in some capacity and leave with my hardware. On top of wishing you all better luck in fantasy football next year, I also hope 2020 is the year where your greatest desires are realized and another year where we continue to be parts of each other’s lives.

From atop my throne looking down at all of you, see you next year!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness