Ruben's Writings

Football is back! Surprised? So am I!

Even though the NFL is set to be the least-changed aspect of our daily lives, it’s everything else that’s made the fact that the season is here appear weird. Of course, the NFL is going full steam ahead with its “pretend like nothing’s wrong” plan for this season. Keep in mind: things are significantly worse (in terms of cases/death rates) now than they were when sports in general canceled in the first place and everything shut down. So why not let some teams allow fans in the stands? No where to go but up, baby!

Maybe it’s because there are still summer sports being played right now. Typically, you’d get one, maybe two days a year where all four major sports leagues are played on the same day. This year, with the NBA and NHL playoffs going through October, it’ll happen several times. We had no time to be bored with only watching baseball and drive up demand for the NFL to return. They’re also proving that the bubble system the NBA and NHL developed is by far the safest way to go. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking thrilled that I get more sports right now. But all of this action definitely had an impact on the buildup to the NFL season. Last week I was like “oh shit, football is back in a week!”. Technically, I was wrong, because football as a whole has been back.

To call the current college football situation a clusterfuck is an insult to the word. Because of the lack of a single, unifying body to rule over the sport (technically the NCAA doesn’t award the college football national championship), conferences do whatever the fuck they want. The majority of conferences have decided to postpone fall sports to the winter. But it doesn’t matter unless the big boys bow out. The SEC, ACC, and Big XII are powering on to largely conference-only schedules, despite players and staff continuing to test positive. The B1G postponed the season, but multiple schools are pissed and want to play. New reports contradict each other every day in saying presidents want/don’t want to play. The Pac-12 also made the decision to postpone, which shows how little the college football give a shit about the conference because all everyone cares about is the B1G. The lack of one unifying direction and resulting asterisks on literally any accomplishment that’ll be made this season is reflective of how the country as a whole is treating the pandemic. 

But at least we got to see Kirk Herbstreit be a fucking real one on College GameDay.

Oh yeah, there was yet another goddamn controversial shooting of a black man that’s further igniting calls for social and racial justice. While I can go on about how the Jacob Black situation is possibly even more fucked up considering what didn’t happen to Kyle Rittenhouse and wonder how fucking hard it is for police officers to stop shooting black people, I do that shit at work way too much (in between writing about coronavirus/the election/California being on fire). The NFL is once again doing surface-level stuff, putting out PSAs and stenciling “end racism” in the end zones during the season.

Guys, they did it! The NFL ended racism! 

On top of all that, Colin Kaepernick is back in the NFL… sort of. The current free agent QB has been added to Madden NFL 21, with an overall rating of 81 (better than Cam Newton and Ryan Tannehill) and a black power TD celebration. Of course, no team will have the balls to sign the real life Kaepernick, but this is honestly a decent gesture. That being said, there’s a wider problem with the game he’s been added to.

Ahead of the draft, I asked all of you to vote for one of three backup options for if the NFL cancels the season at any point. Because you can’t follow simple fucking instructions without me dragging you by the ear, the results ended up making things more confusing. Out of the 12 members of the league, I never received votes from Arik and Nick. Taylor abstained, so there were really only nine votes that mattered. Gee was the only person to vote for Option 2, which calls for a champion to be declared no matter what after we passed a certain point in the season. The remaining two options ended in a tie, with me, Kyle, Ewing, and Riez voting for Option 1 (giving everyone their dues back and declaring the season null and void) and Dad, Richard, Jimmy, and Chriss voting for Option 3 (I simulate the rest of the season on Madden 21). 

I wasn’t sure how to break the tie, until I read more about Madden 21. After that, my decision was easy. Our official league policy will be Option 1 — if the NFL cancels the season at any point, everyone gets their $40 dues back and the season is declared null and void. I go into detail on exactly why I vehemently do not want to do Option 3 later in this newsletter, but I’ll quickly summarize it by saying Madden 21 is an ungodly shitty, lazily put-together game that prioritizes the worst aspects of modern gaming while legitimately leading to calls to boycott the game and its parent company. Also, if the season’s canceled, I keep the trophy I won last year.

Now while this image might piss off or at the very least annoy everyone, at least some might wonder where the hell it came from. Well in the two months or so since the last pandemic newsletter, I’ve had little to do to kill the time besides eating and playing video games. Typically I’m someone who sticks to new releases from a longtime favorite franchise (I’ve got something cooking on this end for next week) or just straight up retro games. It’s rare for me to really jump into something completely new and even rarer for me to like it. That is, until I played Fall Guys.

Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout is the most Nintendo game not made by Nintendo I’ve ever seen. It’s a battle royale platformer that mixes elements from shows like Takeshi’s Castle and Total Wipeout with the shenanigans of games like Mario Party to form a fun, frantic ball of colors and chaos. Users play as jelly bean-shaped dudes decked out in wacky costumes, competing in a game show against dozens of others online. You have to run, jump, dive, and grab your way through obstacles, racing to the finish line or simply surviving as individuals or as teams. The goal is to qualify for subsequent rounds until you’re the last one standing. The better you play, the more points you get to buy crazier colors and outfits. 

Fall Guys also presents the perfect comparison to the start of fantasy football season. Not only did it give me the chance for a perfect pun in the title of the newsletter (it is in fact Fall, guys, being September and all), but it also symbolizes the four-month journey we go on each year. We get to pick how we look and who’s in our lineup, then battle it out against each other to make it to the next round. Elements of luck and random flukes are present throughout. In the end, the winner is the last one standing. But unlike Fall Guys, I can actually win and have won at fantasy football (again, see the image above). My quest to repeat and your quest to knock me off my throne begins today.

(cue theme music)

DRAFT RECAP

THREE EYED RAVENS

Yahoo! grade: A

Real grade: B+

Do I know why Three Eyed Ravens wasn’t given the Best Draft award despite having the highest-graded draft? No. Is this further proof of Yahoo! grades being dumb? Yes. Should Ewing retroactively get taken down a grade by picking a QB in the first round? Absolutely. Having learned nothing from Dad getting clowned for picking Pat Mahomes early last year, Ewing went full homer and took Lamar Jackson. While I’m not saying Jackson will have a bad season or anything, it’s not like there’s a history of guys having a statistical setback after a career year. Still, I can’t knock Ewing too much — the rest of his draft was pretty solid, even if he picked up some strategies from his old man. Stefon Diggs and Devin Singletary are fantastic partners for Julio Jones and Jonathan Taylor. There are also some potential diamonds in Henry Ruggs, Allen Lazard, and Darrell Henderson. TE and defense are areas of concern, but Ewing seems like he has enough to win a playoff game, which is something his first pick can’t say.

SLEEPING GIANTS

Yahoo! grade: A-

Real grade: B

It’s interesting how the top two draft grades were given to the guys who had the first pick and the last pick of the first round. Fortunately, it seems Sleeping Giants learned from their past mistake, waiting until the SECOND round to select Pat Mahomes. This is a good thing, because if Dad had taken Mahomes first overall, I would’ve made a doctor’s appointment to see if I have some hereditary brain disease. It appears Dad was able to translate his good fortune into a solid roster, though there are definitely some nitpicks. For example, how does one take a defense in the seventh round and a K in the ninth? Furthermore, why did Dad draft three QBs? I actually know the answer to that one — he told me he wanted to honor Alex Smith’s fight back from that horrific injury by making him the last pick (before cutting him of course). The problem? Dad confused Smith with Kirk Cousins, choosing the latter instead. That is fucking hilarious and a 100% true story. Cousins aside, Dad managed to put together a competitive roster this time.

DARTH RAIDER

Yahoo! grade: B+

Real grade: A-

If you go back and look at last year’s final regular season standings, you’ll see that only a couple dozen points would’ve given Darth Raider a path to a championship. Arik, not satisfied with his 3rd place finish, is going balls to the wall this year. From taking a rookie (Clyde Edwards-Helaire) with his first round pick to banking on bounce back seasons from guys like Nick Chubb and Cooper Kupp to hoping Rob Gronkowski and Jerry Jeudy work out in their new homes, there were plenty of risks taken throughout the draft. The biggest — making the Dallas Cowboys’ main connection of Dak Prescott and Amari Cooper the centerpiece of his passing game. But even if Arik doesn’t connect with most if not all of these swings, he still has some decent insurance. Hunter Henry, Kerryon Johnson, and D.K. Metcalf are all starter-caliber players who at best will sneak in as Arik’s flex selection. Throw in a nice defense and kicking game and Arik is set for a major boom or bust season. I’ve got to give Arik props for all of these calculated risks.

DIXIE NORMOUS

Yahoo! grade: B

Real grade: C-

One of four teams whose position in Yahoo!’s rankings didn’t change from last season, Dixie Normous went full modern fantasy football playbook with assembling this year’s team. Nick’s first three picks were RBs — Joe Mixon, James Conner, Todd Gurley. His next three picks were WRs — D.J. Chark, Keenan Allen, DeVante Parker. Then, before choosing a player for any one of the five other positions he had yet to fill, Nick spent his seventh pick on a fourth RB (Ronald Jones). It took until his eighth to grab a QB, picking one learning a new offense after dropping off a cliff last year (Tom Brady). Nick also waited until the tenth round to pick a TE (Jonnu Smith) and understandably used his final three picks to draft a defense, K, and defensive player. I mean I’m all for loading up on key positions, but perhaps taking six RBs with your first 11 picks is a bit much. Plus, a lot of the guys Nick went with early are either on shitty teams or are coming off disappointing/injury seasons. There are plenty of questions surrounding this roster.

EKEING OUT THE WIN

Yahoo! grade: B

Real grade: A

Like Dixie Normous, EKEing Out The Win (I’m gonna hate typing that all season) went RB-RB-RB-WR-WR to open the draft. Unlike Nick, I have more confidence about Kyle’s picks. That’s not just because Kenyan Drake and D.J. Moore (along with Kyle’s QB, Deshaun Watson) were part of my squad that plowed through Kyle in last year’s semi-finals. All are at least solid and at most star players. Throw in Austin Ekeler, Raheem Mostert, and Marquise Brown, and Kyle’s skill positions all look worthy of a contender. But it’s the bottom half of his roster that is surrounded with questions. Can T.J. Hockenson live up to his potential? Can J.K. Dobbins, Jarvis Landry, Mecole Hardman, and Christian Kirk get their share in crowded offenses? Does Cam Newton still have it? Will Jadeveon Clowney push the Tennessee Titans defense into elite territory? Still, it’s good that the majority of these questions surround backups — not starters. Unfortunately for the rest of us, it seems Kyle’s days as a contender look plentiful going into this season.

JOP SUEY!!!

Yahoo! grade: B-

Real grade: B

The Jop Suey!!! lineup is either going to be fiery hot or ice cold. After Alvin Kamara was passed over in shocking fashion, Taylor eagerly took him in the same way the Denver Broncos took in Melvin Gordon (who Taylor also took in). Assuming Kamara makes it through the season in his normal fashion, this could be the rare first round steal. As for the WRs, Taylor needs to hope Davante Adams doesn’t draw too much attention as the Green Bay Packers’ only receiving threat and Odell Beckham Jr. and the Cleveland Browns bounce back from a shitty season. Kyler Murray ended last season on a hot streak and the addition of DeAndre Hopkins should boost his status even more. But I’m not sure Murray should’ve gone ahead of Deshaun Watson, Drew Brees, and Aaron Rodgers. Taylor did manage to fill out the rest of his lineup with solid pieces in Phillip Lindsay, Deebo Samuel, Robert Woods, Austin Hooper, the Chicago Bears defense, and Justin Jefferson. Overall, this was one of Yahoo!’s better analyses this year.

FOOTBALLDAMUS

Yahoo! grade: B-

Real grade: B+

Not only was Footballdamus ranked in the same position last year, but Yahoo! even gave them the same grade as well! However, while I agreed with Yahoo! then, I don’t agree now — I think Riez deserved a better grade. Four out of his top five picks (Dalvin Cook, DeAndre Hopkins, Mike Evans, Darren Waller) were home runs, while the fifth (David Johnson) could still prove himself if he can stay healthy. Riez did take some gambles with John Brown and Tyler Boyd. While it feels wrong to not praise anyone who snagged Aaron Rodgers in the eighth round, there’s a real chance the former fantasy MVP’s career is on the downturn. Still, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Throw in an extremely perfect pick with the Pittsburgh Steelers defense in the ninth round and Riez has a damn solid team that (on paper) looks like it’ll break him out of the infamous Jeff Fisher 7-9 territory. However, I legally can’t give Riez a grade in the A range because he drafted two defenses (Dallas Cowboys). At least Jimmy Garoppolo is a solid backup QB option?

ORCHIDS OF ASIA

Yahoo! grade: C

Real grade: B

There’s a good chance the fate of the defending champion Orchids of Asia was decided by selecting Michael Thomas over Alvin Kamara. While Thomas is a fucking baller and fills a big need, the other need is still largely unfulfilled. My kingdom for another RB to complement Mark Ingram (or for D’Andre Swift to end up being the Detroit Lions’ main RB after all). However, I honestly feel every other position is stacked. Thomas and A.J. Brown are a nice WR duo, with a solid option in Marvin Jones and Julian Edelman and a potential sleeper in Brandon Aiyuk. I brought back George Kittle from last year’s title-winning squad and added Jared Cook as a backup. Somehow Russell Wilson fell to the mid-fifth round and I was able to snag him (and potential OROY Joe Burrow). In addition, the Buffalo Bills defense might be the best in all of football. Still, last year was the one time I didn’t fuck up my RBs and I ended up winning it all. I may end up either having to play the waiver wires well or make a trade or two this year.

GRUDEN GRINDERS

Yahoo! grade: C

Real grade: B

I keep debating which first round reach was worse, Three Eyed Ravens taking Lamar Jackson or Gruden Grinders getting Josh Jacobs. Then I remember this league is full of delusional Las Vegas Raiders fans and realize Jacobs probably would’ve gone in the first round anyway. Plus, Jimmy balanced the Jacobs pick with a steal of Aaron Jones the next round. Those two, along with Jordan Howard and Zack Moss, may be the best RB corps in the league. While Juju Smith-Schuster, Tyler Lockett, and Courtland Sutton all be solid-to-good WRs, there’s no true No. 1 guy among those names. That is, unless A.J. Green regains his old form thanks to his shiny new QB. Speaking of signal callers, Jimmy might have the riskiest QB room in the league. Carson Wentz is a walking injury and Derek Carr… well y’all know how I feel about Derek Carr. Jimmy does often go for boom-or-bust type picks and this year is no exception. Still, at least he has a more than solid foundation to fall back on and probably carry him to the playoffs once again.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS

Yahoo! grade: C

Real grade: B-

Despite what I claimed in the previous paragraph, The Krispy Kritters may have a legitimate challenge to that best RB corps claim. Richard turned the second overall pick into Saquon Barkley, along with Miles Sanders and Le’Veon Bell. Still, Barkley and Sanders must escape injury and Bell must escape Adam Gase. While he also might have the second-best TE in football in Travis Kelce (we stan George Kittle in these newsletters), Richard may have the worst WR corps in the league. Terry McLaurin is on a terrible team with a terrible QB and Michael Gallup and Emmanuel Sanders are at best second/third options on loaded offenses. I will give Richard props for scoring the solid as ever Baltimore Ravens defense and the best K in football (Justin Tucker). He also doubled down on perennially overrated/underrated QBs named Matt by selecting both Matt Ryan and Matthew Stafford. Don’t get me wrong, I think they’re going to have strong bounce back seasons. It’s just funny to me that Richard has both of them.

49ERS

Yahoo! grade: D+

Real grade: C+

Man, what the hell did 49ers do to piss off Yahoo!? Not only are they tied for the worst draft grade in the league again, but they got a lower one this year. However, I think out of everyone Gee gives the least shits about draft grades. This is because he ends up trading away and picking up/dropping his team three times over by the end of the season. I can’t necessarily fault him for it, seeing as he was the top seed and runner-up last year and is a consistent contender. Anyway, let’s look at everyone on Gee’s trading block. He nailed his first four picks — Derrick Henry, Tyreek Hill, Adam Thielen, Allen Robinson — though I’m surprised he didn’t go more RB-heavy. Cam Akers and Tyler Higbee could be nice, even if they have to catch passes from Jared Goff. As for Gee’s QBs, let’s just say he’s taking a risk by riding with Josh Allen and Baker Mayfield. While that WR corps is filthy, there are big questions surrounding literally every other position in Gee’s lineup. But again, Gee will probably end up finding answers on the trading market.

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM

Yahoo! grade: D+

Real grade: A-

In the end, the race for most hated by Yahoo! has to go to C’s New Champ Team. After literally being unable to draft last year, Chriss is at the bottom of the draft grade rankings. Quite frankly, I have no fucking clue why. To me, his lineup looks loaded. Ezekiel Elliott and Chris Carson are a RB tandem to make anyone salivate, with solid backup options in Kareem Hunt and Adrian Peterson. The WR corps looks amazing, although there are some concerns surrounding Chris Godwin (other options on offense), T.Y. Hilton (health), and CeeDee Lamb (he’s a rookie). Chriss could do far worse at QB than Drew Brees and Mark Andrews at TE, despite the fourth round being a bit of a reach for Andrews (who will have his off days, trust me). Cap that off with solid options in the Seattle Seahawks defense, Robbie Gould, and Aaron Donald, and Chriss could complete the wildest three-year swing in league history. From the top seed in 2018 to near the bottom in 2019, 2020 could be the year Chriss storms his way back to the peak.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

I have no fucking clue what to make of this team. On paper, the offense should be fire, even with Tyrell Williams’ injury and Lynn Bowden turning into a bust. The Raiders’ solid offensive line looks like it’ll pave the way for future HOFer Josh Jacobs to build on a steller rookie year. Derek Carr has plenty more weapons to choose from, with promising youngsters in Darren Waller and Hunter Renfrow added by speedster Henry Ruggs, training camp star Bryan Edwards, and actual future HOFer Jason Witten. But the entire operation runs through Carr. If he doesn’t show steps towards regaining his 2016 MVP-caliber form, we’ve got to call him a lemon and look to the future. If he does, the Silver and Black might actually be able to make some noise.

Of course, the defense was the bad kind of fire last year. Despite Maxx Crosby going on an unexpected tear and Jonathan Abram showing flashes of being the next great Raiders DB, the Silver and Black couldn’t stop a nosebleed. The shocking addition of Cory Littleton and drafting of Damon Arnette and Tanner Muse look like steps in the right direction. Carl Nassib, Maliek Collins, and Nick Kwiatkoski look like solid signings as well. But with so many new pieces it’s tough to predict how this unit will gel together. Also, if Clelin Ferrell could start playing like the No. 4 overall pick, that’d be nice.

With not a lot to go off of and no preseason games to build chemistry, it’s tough to predict how exactly the Silver and Black will do in their first season in Sin City. Back in May, I predicted a 9-7 finish. I’m sticking with that for now, but I’m not optimistic about that whole sneaking into the playoffs thing. At best, the Raiders are a year or two away from being a serious threat. 

Anyway, I’m ignoring the more recent NFL news to focus on something from a few weeks ago and bring some light to a plight known only to Raiders fans.

RIGHTING A WRONG (HOPEFULLY)

The Pro Football Hall of Fame is one step away from correcting its biggest mistake, one it’s been making for the past two decades. 

Last month, Drew Pearson was named the senior nominee finalist for the HOF, something the Dallas Cowboys legend has long felt he deserved. Fans have cried for Pearson to get the call and it appears his long wait is finally over. 

This segment is not about Drew Pearson. This is about Tom Flores.

In addition to Pearson, Flores was named the sole nominee in the new coaches category. Since his retirement from coaching in 1994, Flores has gotten close to a gold jacket a couple of times. That includes last year, when Flores was a coaching finalist for the extended class of 2020. Despite the extra room to not fuck up, the HOF fucked up by not selecting Flores. But it seems this negligence will only result in one more year of delay. Flores needs 80% of the 48-member Selection Committee to approve him, which should be a given considering he’s the only coach up for nomination (which won’t impact the Modern-Era vote). Experts have basically called Flores as close as possible to being officially in without being officially in. But I’m not counting anything out until Flores is wearing the gold jacket he should’ve owned years ago.

While you won’t hear anyone outside of Silver and Black circles talk about it, Flores is one of the most groundbreaking, successful head coaches in NFL history. After finishing his playing career with a Super Bowl ring and the fifth-most passing yards in AFL history (as one of only 20 players to be in the AFL for its entire existence), Flores tried his hand at coaching. Following a stint with the Buffalo Bills, he got a spot working for John Madden and the Oakland Raiders, winning his first ring as a coach in Super Bowl XI. When Madden retired in 1979, Flores was named his successor. Despite missing the playoffs by one game in his first season in charge, the Raiders rebounded in 1980, becoming the first wild card team to win the Super Bowl and the first team to win four postseason games. The run to Super Bowl XV included beating the Ken Stabler-led Houston Oilers, clutching out the Red Right 88 game against the Cleveland Browns, and topping the No. 1 seed San Diego Chargers in a shootout. Three years later, Flores earned his fourth ring overall and second as a head coach as the LA Raiders stormed through everyone en route to a Super Bowl XVIII win. Flores eventually moved to the team’s front office in 1987. He returned to coaching in 1992, taking over the Seattle Seahawks for three terrible and forgettable years before retiring for good.

Let’s take out those Seattle years — those are Flores’ version of Michael Jordan’s tenure with the Washington Wizards. Any coach would’ve done poorly trying to lead the fucking 90’s Seahawks. In nine years with the Raiders, Flores went 91-56, including a 8-3 record in the playoffs. That .727 postseason winning percentage is second in NFL history among coaches with at least ten playoff games, behind only Vince Lombardi and just ahead of Bill Belichick and Bill Walsh. Flores’ 91 wins are second in Raiders history, behind only Madden. Flores and George Seifert are the only two head coaches with multiple Super Bowl wins not currently in the HOF.

Now, let’s make some comparisons. Instead of Flores, Jimmy Johnson and Bill Cowher — two current TV analysts — were chosen for the Class of 2020. I have no problem with Johnson’s selection — given his stellar record in both the regular and postseason, two Super Bowl wins, and his Coach of the Year award, I thought he was in already. While I also think Cowher is deserving of the HOF, I have an issue with him getting in before Flores (although with the postponement of the Class of 2020 induction they’ll likely end up going in at the same time). Cowher had a lengthy tenure with the Pittsburgh Steelers, during which his teams were almost always playoff contenders. However, before his second-to-last season, he only had a 8-9 postseason record, with the Steelers often falling in the AFC Championship Game. He was in the Don Coryell, Marty Schottenheimer, and Marv Levy club of best coaches never to win it all until Pittsburgh’s unlikely run to win Super Bowl XL. Playoff success matters. One win at the end shouldn’t get someone above another coach who did more and did it earlier in his career.

One more comparison: Tony Dungy, also a current TV analyst. Often regarded as one of one of the best defensive minds for creating the Tampa 2 defense and one of the best coaches in the past 20 or so years, Dungy was named to the HOF in 2016. While he had decent records with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, he and Peyton Manning made the Indianapolis Colts into consistent contenders for several years. Both he and Manning’s horrendous playoff reputation (Dungy has a 9-10 career postseason record) were saved thanks to Super Bowl XLI. Dungy also gets props for rising through the ranks at a young age and earned deserved recognition as the first black head coach to win a Super Bowl. While that is an important and meaningful honor, let’s not forget that Flores (who also was a young coach) was the first Hispanic head coach and coach of color to hoist the Lombardi Trophy, 26 years earlier. Again, I don’t want to disregard any of the tremendous accomplishments of Dungy or Cowher. I just don’t see how you can look at what they’ve done compared to what Flores has done and go with them. Maybe Flores should’ve gotten a TV gig or something.

Of course, there’s another likely reason. As coach of the Raiders during the 1980’s, Flores had to manage a roster full of… interesting characters. With personalities like Lyle Alzado, Ted Hendricks, Matt Millen, John Matuszak, and plenty more on the roster, managing that group of renegades was a tall task. Many players credit Flores’ ability to lead the locker room while giving them the freedom to be themselves as key components to their success. But putting on the Silver and Black, especially in that era, made you an enemy of every other team in the NFL, along with the league itself. Flores is just one of several Raiders greats to have a much longer than deserved wait for a gold jacket. Tim Brown, Ray Guy, and Ken Stabler took forever to get in, while there are plenty of HOF-worthy players who’ve donned the Silver and Black for the majority of their careers to not yet hear their name called. 

Don’t believe me?

TOP 10 RAIDERS PLAYERS NOT IN THE HALL OF FAME 

10. DAVE DALBY

Jim Otto, arguably the greatest C in football history, was the only starting C for the franchise’s first 14 seasons, never missing a single game. Replacing that kind of talent and being the only other C Raiders fans have ever known is kind of an intimidating task. Enter Dave Dalby, who only proceeded to anchor a legendary Silver and Black offensive line that won three Super Bowls. While guys like Gene Upshaw and Art Shell (deservedly) got the spotlight, Dalby was still an incredibly consistent piece of that unit who played in 205 consecutive games and was shockingly only named to one Pro Bowl (which probably hurts his candidacy a little bit). While a great overall unit can hide a hole or two, there was nothing missing up the middle. Dalby was damn good. Interestingly, Dalby’s successor at C, Don Mosebar, had his own lengthy and consistent career. From their founding in 1960 to 1994 (35 seasons), the Raiders fielded only three starting Cs: Otto, Dalby, and Mosebar. If only the current offensive line could be half as consistent.  

9. ROD MARTIN

Taken in the 12th round (pick 317 overall) in 1977, Rod Martin would end up becoming arguably the greatest draft steal in Raiders history. Martin was one of the NFL’s top LBs across his 12-year career, racking up 14 INTs, ten fumble recoveries, 33 1/2 sacks (which weren’t an official stat until Martin’s fifth season), two Pro Bowl nods, a First-Team All-Pro spot, and two Second-Team All-Pro appearances. But it was his performances in the NFL’s biggest game where he truly went off. In Super Bowl XV, Martin snagged a Super Bowl-record.three INTs off Ron Jaworski in an effort that should’ve gotten him the Super Bowl MVP (which went to Jim Plunkett). Not only are those three INTs an all-time record, they’re also tied for the most by a single player across all Super Bowls. Martin also had several key defensive stops in Super Bowl XVIII, including stuffing HOF RB John Riggins for no gain on 4th and 1 deep in raiders territory. Martin has the stats, the accolades, and the big game performances to stack up against plenty of current HOFers.

8. STEVE WISNIEWSKI

No, I’m not talking about recent Raider Stefen Wisniewski, but his uncle. Steve Wisniewski was a goddamn animal on the Silver and Black’s offensive line. Across his 13 seasons as OG for the Raiders, Wisniewski was named to eight Pro Bowls (including six straight from 1990-95), tied for second-most in franchise history. He also earned two First-Team All-Pro and six Second-Team All-Pro spots and was named to the NFL’s 1990’s All-Decade Team. That last fact alone should give him an automatic spot in Canton, especially considering the other three OGs on the All-Decade Team (Bruce Matthews, Randall McDaniel, Larry Allen) were clear HOF choices. He also did all of that while missing just two starts due to injury across his 13-year career. Fun fact: Wisniewski was originally drafted by the Dallas Cowboys, but traded to the Raiders in a deal that included four draft picks. The Cowboys only nailed one of those picks, but it turned out to be three-time Super Bowl champion FB Darryl “Moose” Johnston. I’d call it a win-win.

7. TODD CHRISTENSEN

Perhaps the first and only player to only ever have the word “scholarly” associated with the Raiders, Todd Christensen often quoted famous authors and wrote poetry. But while he didn’t fit the traditional off-field Silver and Black stereotypes, he definitely fit in with his ability, tenacity, and winning. Relegated to FB and special teams for the early part of his career, he switched to TE and broke out as an offensive weapon. In 1982, he became the second TE ever to lead the league in catches. He was also the first to catch 90 passes in two different seasons. His 5,872 career receiving yards remain the fourth-most in Raiders history and his statistics look great compared to other prolific TEs. There are nine TEs currently in the HOF. Compared to them, Christensen ranks sixth in receptions and receiving yards, seventh in TDs, tied for second in 1,000-yard seasons (3), tied for fourth in Pro Bowls (3), and second in Super Bowls (2). One guy Christensen beats out a lot is Dave Casper, so I guess we can’t complain too much.

6. GREG TOWNSEND

There’s a good chance Greg Townsend is the best NFL player you’ve never heard of. A Super Bowl champion, two-time Pro Bowler, and four-time All-Pro member, Townsend’s dominance came during a relatively dry period in terms of team success. But he still left his mark on both the Silver and Black and NFL record books. Townsend recorded 109.5 sacks in his career, good enough for 23rd all-time on the NFL list. The vast majority of players above him are either in the HOF or are future gold jacket wearers. All but two of those sacks came in a Raiders uniform, meaning Townsend is the current franchise leader in sacks by a wide margin. For perspective, HOF DE Howie Long is in second place with 84 sacks. Townsend, who played five fewer games for the Silver and Black than Long, recorded 107.5. That is… astounding to say the least. Those have got to be the quietest 100+ sacks in NFL history. I honestly never heard of Townsend until I started doing research for this list. Hopefully he becomes more popular in the future.

5. JACK TATUM

Full disclaimer: Jack Tatum is my favorite football player of all time, so I’m not even going to pretend to be unbiased. While Tatum does have a Super Bowl ring, three Pro Bowl nods, and two Second-Team All-Pro honors, that tally doesn’t stack up well to those of DBs currently in the HOF. But he does happen to be the hardest hitter and baddest motherfucker in NFL history, so he’s got that going for him. Known as “The Assassin,” Tatum was the most feared player of his era, with some comparing his hitting to that of Dick Butkus. When a FS is being likened to the most terrifying human ever to play football, that’s impressive. I’m thinking of naming my firstborn son “Jack Tatum Sammy White Hit” Dominguez. Now, should hard hitting alone be enough to earn anyone a gold jacket? Absolutely not. But combined with his accolades and a not too shabby 37 total career INTs, Tatum’s gotta get the nod. Hard hitting is half of what got Steve Atwater in the HOF this past year. I’m ignoring the extra accolades because fuck the Broncos.

4. ART POWELL

It’s a damn shame more people haven’t heard of Art Powell. His AFL career began with the Philadelphia Eagles and New York Titans, but he wound up leaving both teams after being the only player to take a stand against black and white players being segregated at hotels. He then signed with the Raiders, where he and three teammates refused to play in an exhibition game against his old team (now named the Jets) due to segregated seating at the stadium. Al Davis listened and had the game moved to Oakland. Beyond being a pioneer in American football, Powell also balled the hell out on the field. He was named to the All-Time All-AFL Team and finished third behind Don Maynard and Lance Alworth in yards gained in AFL history. Despite only playing four seasons in Solver and Black, he remains the fifth all-time receiver in Raiders history. He’s also tied for 26th in NFL history in receiving TDs. HOFer Andre Reed only had six more TDs while playing in twice as many games. This legend deserves to be recognized.

3. CLIFF BRANCH

Last month marked one year since Cliff Branch passed away. Like several other Raiders legends, he never got to wear a gold jacket in his lifetime. This, despite putting up some impressive, HOF-worthy numbers with the Silver and Black. Over his 14-year career (all with the Raiders) the speedy Branch caught 501 passes for 8,685 yards (fewer than only Tim Brown and Fred Biletnikoff in franchise history) and 67 TDs. Branch was a key figure in the Raiders’ three Super Bowl wins, with his NFL career records for playoff receptions and receiving yards only being broken by Jerry fucking Rice. He was named to four Pro Bowls and was a three-time First-Team All-Pro, finishing once as the NFL’s receiving yards leader and twice as TD reception leader. Branch was also on the receiving end of one of only 13 99-yard TD passes in NFL history. All told, Branch has better numbers than two key peers — HOFer Lynn Swann and perennial snub Drew Pearson (who might get in this year as well). What is the HOF waiting for?

2. LESTER HAYES

Anytime Lester Hayes’ HOF candidacy is brought up, so is Stickum, the adhesive substance used by NFL players until its ban in 1981. That rule became known as the “Lester Hayes rule,” because he would cover his arms in the stuff. Even though people refer to Hayes as arguably the greatest shutdown corner of all time, some say he was only good because of Stickum. But what they don’t say is the majority of Hayes’ five Pro Bowl and six All-Pro nods (as well as one of his two Super Bowl wins) came after the ban? They also don’t mention Fred Biletnikoff, who not only used Stickum but introduced Hayes to it, and also happens to be in the HOF. Even if they wanted to discredit Hayes, why was he named Defensive Player of the Year and a part of the 1980’s All-Decade Team? After all, a lot of the decade was after 1981. Maybe being a black player for the Raiders who had success while doing something not illegal but slightly shady is keeping Hayes from wearing a gold jacket. It definitely seems like he’s being unfairly punished.

1. TOM FLORES

Yep, Tom Flores fits in here as well. Before becoming a head coach, Flores was a QB, in fact the first starting QB in Raiders history and the first Hispanic starting QB in NFL history. He and Mike Ditka are the only two players to win Super Bowls as both a player and head coach. When you non-Raiders fans roll your eyes whenever we complain that the NFL hates us, consider how many times I’ve used the word “first” or “only” or mentioned a pioneering accomplishment when describing Flores. No retired coach not in the HOF has a better resume than Flores, who has a better resume than several coaches currently in the HOF. He’s a pioneer, a champion, and should’ve been in the HOF decades ago. Why isn’t he already? Because the NFL hates the Raiders. Put it this way, both Flores and Charles Woodson can go into the HOF in the same class. Flores retired from coaching before Woodson started college. Let’s just hope the HOF doesn’t fuck Woodson over as well, or else we’re likely to get a new No. 1 on this list.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Josh McCown has had quite the football journey. Being at best a fringe starter since being drafted out of Sam Houston State in 2002, McCown’s career spans 11 NFL teams and even a UFL squad. He threw the infamous last-second TD pass to Nate Poole to knock the Minnesota Vikings out of the playoffs, was the winning QB of the first ever NFL regular season game held outside the U.S., lined up at WR 13 years apart, won the final NFL Quarterback Challenge, helped the Chicago Bears score a rare win at Lambeau Field on Monday Night Football, won the Brian Piccolo Award, played through a playoff game with a torn hamstring, and set multiple team and league records in the progress. Add one more to that — the 41-year-old is now the oldest practice squad player in NFL history. What’s more, because of the pandemic he doesn’t even have to be with the team. McCown gets to chill at home and get paid to be ready to play football. Alex Moran can only imagine such success for doing nothing.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

Two of the biggest ass whoopings in NFL history (which happened to have the same score) took place on the same calendar day. Let’s go in chronological order. On September 10, 1967, the golden era of Raiders football began. Oakland’s squad was the first truly great team in franchise history, bolstered by new additions like Daryle Lamonica, Gene Upshaw, Willie Brown, and George Blanda. While the Mad Bomber had the offense flying, it was the defensive unit known as “The 11 Angry Men” who set the tone in Week 1. Oakland “hosted” the Denver Broncos like a hungry alligator “hosts” an injured rabbit covered in barbeque sauce. The final score of 51-0 doesn’t even do it justice. While both Lamonica and Blanda threw TDs, the Broncos finished with (wait for it) -53 PASSING YARDS (!!!) and gave up seven sacks. While four different Raiders rushed for TDs, the Broncos were held to just 48 yards on the ground. Put those numbers together, and you get -5 — the total amount of yards Denver got on the day. They showed up to Oakland to go backwards. The Raiders, on the other hand, kept the momentum up through the rest of the season, finishing 13-1 and smacking the Houston Oilers to win the AFL title. While that vaunted defense was nowhere to be found in Super Bowl II, the 1967 squad nonetheless started the upward trajectory that led to three Lombardi Trophies for the Silver and Black.
On September 10, 1989, a matchup between two old rival franchises ended in a historic defeat. The Cleveland Browns entered the year with a new head coach, Bud Carson, who developed the famous “Steel Curtain” unit. 

The Steelers, on the other hand, here hearing calls for longtime head coach Chuck Noll’s firing after a dismal 5-11 campaign. Those cries would grow louder after Week 1, when the Steelers welcomed the Browns into Pittsburgh and proceeded to fall all over themselves. Tim Worley fumbled twice during the Steelers’ first two possessions, the first resulting in a TD return by Clay Matthews (not Clay Matthews or Clay Matthews). David Grayson also had a day on defense, returning a fumble and an INT for TDs. Tim Manoa rushed for two TDs, but the Browns defense nearly outscored its offense (thanks to EIGHT turnovers by Pittsburgh). In the end, Cleveland walked away with a 51-0 win, which remains the largest loss in Steelers history. Although Pittsburgh followed that up with a 41-10 loss to the Cincinnati Bengals, the Steelers incredibly rallied to make the playoffs, which led to Noll earning Coach of the Year honors for the first and only time in his career.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2008 — The Large Hadron Collider at CERN, described as the biggest scientific experiment in history, is powered up in Geneva.
• 1999 — Fight Club premiers in Venice.
• 1993 — The X-Files premiers on TV.
• 1989 — Eric Dickerson becomes the fastest player in NFL history to top the 10,000-yard plateau, doing so in 91 games.
• 1974 — Guinea-Bissau gains independence from Portugal.
• 1972 — Dan Gable wins the freestyle gold medal in the 68kg division, becoming the only Olympic wrestler not to have a point scored against him in the competition.
• 1961 — Formula One driver Wolfgang von Trips and 13 spectators are killed in a crash at the Italian Grand Prix, the deadliest accident in F1 history. Von Trips’ death meant that Phil Hill clinched the overall title, becoming the first and only American-born winner of the F1 World Championship.
• 1960 — The U.S. defeats Brazil 90-63 to win the men’s basketball Olympic gold medal.
• 1960 — Abebe Bikila wins the Olympic marathon while running barefoot, becoming the first ever sub-Saharan African gold medalist.
• 1960 — Aladar Gerevich wins his sixth consecutive gold medal (28 years after winning his first) in the Sabre team competition at the Olympics.
• 1955 — Gunsmoke, which would become the longest-running, primetime live-action series of the 20th century, premiers on TV.
• 1937 — The Cleveland (now Los Angeles) Rams play their first NFL game, losing 28-0 to the Detroit Lions.
• 1846 — Elias Howe is granted a patent for the sewing machine.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1987 — Paul Goldschmidt, All-Star first baseman.
• 1983 — Joey Votto, one of the best hitters in MLB history who still bangs.
• 1975 — Dan O’Toole, Canadian TV sports anchor and half of the famous and hilarious Jay and Dan duo.
• 1974 — Ben Wallace, one of the best undrafted players and afros in NBA history.
• 1974 — Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic, former kickboxer/MMA fighter best known for his “right leg hospital, left leg cemetery” kicks.
• 1968 — Guy Ritchie, director best known for Snatch and the Robert Downey Jr./Jude Law Sherlock Holmes films.
• 1960 — Colin Firth, Academy Award-winning actor best known for his work in The King’s Speech, Pride and Prejudice, The English Patient, Bridget Jones’ Diary, Love Actually, A Single Man, the Kingsman series, and Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. 
• 1958 — Chris Columbus, director/producer known for Home Alone (and its sequel), Mrs. Doubtfire, and the first two Harry Potter films.
• 1948 — Bob Lanier, HOF Center whose number is retired by both the Detroit Pistons and Milwaukee Bucks.
• 1941 — Jose Feliciano, iconic Latin American singer best known for his version of “Light My Fire” and his Christmas hit “Feliz Navidad.”
• 1940 — Buck Buchanan, HOF DT.
• 1934 — Roger Maris, the unofficial MLB home run leader who hit more long balls than anyone not connected to steroids.
• 1929 — Arnold Palmer, golf and beverage legend.
• 1914 — Robert Wise, iconic Academy Award-winning director/editor who directed West Side Story and The Sound of Music and edited Citizen Kane. 

DEATHS:

• 1961 — Wolfgang von Trips, F1 driver.
• 1905 — Pete Browning, former MLB player who was the inspiration for the “Louisville Slugger” baseball bat.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National TV Dinner Day! The first TV Dinner was introduced in 1953, consisting of a Thanksgiving meal of turkey, cornbread dressing, peas, and sweet potatoes. The original tray was made of aluminum and had to be cooked in the oven for 25 minutes. Nearly 70 years later, you can get all of the damn food in the world in a frozen, ready-to-eat kit that can be reheated in a few minutes in the microwave. What hasn’t changed is that it’s still sad to eat one. I remember always wanting one of those Kid Cuisine meals when I was younger. Now, I cannot express how happy I am that my parents never forced me to eat one

. THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

MAN GOES VIRAL WITH HILARIOUS RANT AGAINST BONELESS CHICKEN WINGS

LINCOLN, Neb. – A Nebraska man went viral this week after solemnly calling on the city council in Lincoln, Neb., to consider renaming boneless chicken wings.

“Lincoln has the opportunity to be a social leader in this country. We have been casually ignoring a problem that has gotten so out of control that our children are throwing around names and words without even understanding their true meaning, treating things as though they’re normal,” Ander Christensen said during the Lincoln City Council meeting Monday.

“I’m talking about boneless chicken wings. I propose that we as a city remove the name boneless wings from our menus and from our hearts,” he continued. Multiple residents in the meeting were seen and heard chuckling during the testimony.

Christensen argued that the meat found in boneless chicken wings does not necessarily come from the wing of a chicken. He also argued that boneless chicken wings “are just chicken tenders, which are already boneless.”

“I don’t go to order boneless tacos. I don’t go and order boneless club sandwiches,” Christensen said.

READ MORE

Call him crazy all you want, he’s got a point. Plus, he got to parlay his viral fame into an appearance at a Nebraska Cornhuskers press conference.

IT’S NOT IN THE GAME

When I realized I might actually have to buy a fucking PS5 and potentially simulate our fantasy football season on Madden NFL 21, I decided to do some research on what I’d be getting myself into. I’ve owned exactly two Madden games in my life — Madden NFL 06 and Madden NFL 07. I played Madden 06 religiously in middle school, getting to be so good with the Pittsburgh Steelers that they became my second-favorite NFL team at the time (I was a stupid teenager and obviously went back on that decision when I stopped being as stupid). I then got Madden 07 for Christmas, played it for a little bit, realized it’d be tiring to keep up with this every year, and never picked up the series again. Now, faced with the possibility of playing again for the first time in literally more than half my life, I thought I should look at what’s changed since then.

So I looked up the reviews for Madden 21. Then I did some digging. Then I decided that even if the league votes for me to simulate the season, I would refuse. 

Let me explain — this goes far beyond me not wanting to do all that work.

By my count, there have been 34 games in the main Madden NFL series. As of now, Madden 21 is the lowest critically-rated game of the bunch. Only Game Informer scored the game above a 6/10, which is exactly what the popular video game site IGN gave it. Both the PS4 and Xbox One versions of the game score below a 70 on Metacritic (one of my sites used to calculate my sports movie scores), the only game in the series not to surpass that mark. On Metacritic, Madden 21 has the lowest average user score out of any game — not just in the Madden series, but of any video game ever. Out of a possible 10, PS4 version has a user score of 0.3. The Xbox One version isn’t much better — sitting at a score of 0.5. No other video game has a user score of lower than 1.6. 

This game isn’t just mediocre — it’s rotten. Fans of the series are fucking pissed.

From what I can gather, the decline of the Madden series began during the 7th generation of consoles (PS3, Xbox 360, Wii). Before that, the games were being universally praised for not only their gameplay, but the sheer variety of customization and different modes. The list of things you could do in the mid-2000’s (considered the golden era for Madden) that you can’t do in modern editions is staggering. In particular, fans are outraged over the lack of changes to Franchise Mode, a staple of the series that lets you take over a team, making moves and playing games season by season. There’s also a lack of change in general, with animations and features being simply copied and pasted year to year. I know this is something you might expect from a yearly game, but this goes beyond what should be acceptable. 

Of course, with new games come new glitches, something familiar to both the Madden series and video games as a whole. But the rate of glitches in Madden games has increased in recent years, mainly due to the game’s engine. Starting with Madden NFL 18, the games ditched the custom-made sports engine Ignite for Frostbite 3, which is mainly used for first-person shooters. While it works great for those games, it’s led to some shaky results for other games — such as sports. This year, it seems the glitches are rolling out greater than ever. 

But then we get to what in my opinion is the biggest problem with modern video games: microtransactions (also known as loot boxes). In Madden NFL 10, a new game mode called Madden Ultimate Team was introduced. Using points earned from doing well in the game, users can buy “player packs” filled with playing cards of current and former NFL players. Using these cards, users can build their own custom team to compete against other teams online. Just based on that information, Users can also spend real money to buy player packs straight up. Therefore, users who are actually good at the game can be outdone by users with a lot of money to burn, and boy are there a lot of users with money to burn. Ultimate Team has become so popular, more money is being generated each year from just buying player packs than from sales of the game itself, which is insane considering the games cost $60. We’re talking ten figures here. The popularity has led to other sports games — notably those in the FIFA series — adopting a similar concept. 

Consider this: Madden Ultimate Teams don’t carry over year after year. Users may have spent hundreds of millions of dollars combined to build their Ultimate Teams in Madden NFL 20, but none of that spending counts towards Madden 21 Ultimate Teams. Users have to start from scratch year after year, which they gladly do in spades. That is… mind fucking bottling to me. But it’s also serious — a lot of users are young teens or pre-teens who don’t know better than to use Mom and Dad’s credit card to buy what their game tells them to so they can be just like the popular kids. Microtransactions have been a huge problem for video games for years, with some games cutting out parts from what would normally be the full game and offering them as DLC or straight up withholding progress to certain parts of the game behind a paywall. But some microtransactions go even further, specifically being designed to predatorial in targeting children into spending money they shouldn’t. There legitimately needs to be legislation drafted against microtransactions in games, especially those aimed at children. But until that happens, no one making these top decisions at video game companies is going to give a shit. 

That’s especially true for Electronic Arts, the company behind the Madden and FIFA series. As the years have gone on, EA has drawn their attention further away from the Franchise Mode and overall gameplay that hooked hardcore fans back in the day to Ultimate Team and the yearly new flashy/gimmicky modes (i.e. Madden 21‘s The Yard). With the vast majority of users willing to shill out cash for video game success and no one willing to prevent them from being stupid, EA is putting their effort into their literal money maker instead of pure football content.

In May, the league extended its agreement for EA Sports to be the sole producer of NFL simulation games through 2026. The NFL’s deal with EA goes back to the mid-2000’s, the golden era of Madden. Back then, EA was not the only producer of NFL games, with 2K also having its own series. Madden was also not EA’s only football series of games — there was also NFL Street, NFL Head Coach, and NCAA Football (which has gone away due to the countless legal issues surrounding college athletes). In 2005, EA was making 19 different sports game series. Now, EA has only four active series. 

So what happened? Seemingly every major sports league signed exclusive deals with video game developers, leaving those left out with two options: cancel their current, non-licensed series or create a new series based on generic teams.These deals also led to monopolies for video games in certain sports. As long as their current contract with the NFL lasts, EA has no competition, meaning they don’t have to try hard. There’s no incentive for them to do anything that doesn’t make them money.

Sadly, the NFL does not seem to give two shits about the quality of the Madden series unless it stops making them money. Unless people stop buying Madden games or participating in Ultimate Team transactions, nothing will change. However, Madden 21 may be the straw that broke the camel’s back. On social media, #NFLdropEA and #EndMaddenMonopoly are trending nationwide, with the hopes of generating enough discussion to get the NFL’s attention. Can something like this actually work? EA, a company not unfamiliar with criticism, drew widespread outrage for Star Wars Battlefront II‘s insane reliance on in-game transactions and demand of those who didn’t want to pay to grind for a long time. EA’s defense was so poor it got put in the Guinness World Records, and the game’s microtransaction system was greatly changed due to the backlash.

Can the same thing happen with the Madden series? I think this is a much steeper hill to climb with an overall user base not as willing to voice their concerns lough enough. But I’ve been wrong before and I’m not gonna give EA $60 (and spend $500 on a PS5) for this shitty of a game. By the way, I got a lot of information on this section from YouTube user SOFTDRINKTV. Check him out for more information on the decline of the Madden series and EA as a whole, along with why Madden 21 is shit.

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

ORCHIDS OF ASIA VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS

Orchids of Asia begin their title defense with a rematch from last year’s playoffs, against a vengeful Gruden Grinders. It’s a clash of styles, with my passing attack against Jimmy’s running game. Josh Jacobs and Aaron Jones should put up some nice points, although any success by Jones will come against Jimmy’s Minnesota Vikings defense. Hopefully Mark Ingram can run over the Cleveland Browns enough to keep pace (or D’Andre Swift does work). As for the air game, Russell Wilson, Michael Thomas, and A.J. Brown should provide me with a solid cushion, although Carson Wentz should get plenty back for Jimmy against the shitty Washington Football Team. Juju Smith-Schuster and Tyler Lockett will need to do well for Jimmy to keep up, while Courtland Sutton could be a potential wild card for Jimmy. If my wild card, George Kittle, doesn’t do well, it could mean bad news going forward. I may need to rely on my Buffalo Bills defense to literally murder the New York Jets to sneak out a win to open up my title defense. 

49ERS VS. THREE EYED RAVENS

There’s nothing like a Week 1 Tyler Bowl to kick off the season! But unlike in years past, the odds may be shifting. This is the matchup with by far the biggest difference in predicted points. While 49ers are usually the favorite, Three Eyed Ravens apparently have the big advantage here. Having the likes of Lamar Jackson, Julio Jones, Stefon Diggs, and Devin Singletary in (mostly) favorable matchups will do that for you. What’s more, any TDs Diggs gets for Ewing will negate Josh Allen’s TDs for Gee. Fortunately, Tyreek Hill, Adam Thielen, and Derrick Henry should allow Gee to put up a fight. This showdown will come down to one of two matchups. There are the unknown RBs in Cam Akres (Gee) and Jonathan Taylor (Ewing). Early success (or failure) for either could be an indicator of things to come. Then there are the defenses. The New Orleans Saints )Gee) will probably get destroyed by the new-loop Tampa Bay Buccaneers or destroy them, while the Kansas City Chiefs (Ewing) will likely continue the Houston Texans’ pain.

JOP SUEY!!! VS.  EKEING OUT THE WIN

After EKEing Out The Win unexpectedly fizzled out of last year’s playoffs, Kyle decided to take some of what kicked his ass in the semi-finals. Deshaun Watson, D.J. Moore, and Kenyan Drake are not only some of his new additions, but are also key pieces to the attack. Unfortunately, all three are facing at least stiff competition this week. Fortunately for Kyle, Austin Ekeler, Marquise Brown, Raheem Mosterst, and T.J. Hockenson are not. The revamped Tennessee Titans defense may also be able to stand up the improved Denver Broncos defense, hopefully for Kyle and at least five other members of the league. Unfortunately, while Jop Suey!!! would enjoy watching the donkeys get smacked, it wouldn’t do well for their fantasy odds. It’s a shitty situation — I’m sure Odell Beckham Jr. can relate, Taylor. Davante Adams, Alvin Kamara, and Melvin Gordin will have to do the heavy lifting, with Taylor hoping to get bonus points from the Jared Goff-Robert Woods connection. Maybe the Chicago Bears defense can shut down the Detroit Lions as well.

SLEEPING GIANTS VS. DARTH RAIDER

Darth Raider took a lot of risks during the draft, but all of them paying off may not be enough this week. That’s because Sleeping Giants bring the highest expected offense of the week. However, if we look at Dad’s offense, everyone besides Pat Mahomes may have challenges, even Christian McCaffrey against the Raiders. Las Vegas’ new defense could still be Swiss cheese, or it could actually be solid steel (probably not). As long as Cory Littleton does something, I guess. Kenny Golladay and Calvin Ridley are facing tough defenses, Marlon Mack and Leonard Fournette may not be the top options for their teams, and the San Francisco 49ers defense could get a surprise challenge from the upgraded Arizona Cardinals. As for Arik, there’s plenty at stake in the Dallas Cowboys-Los Angeles Rams game (Dak Prescott, Cooper Kupp, Amari Cooper). Even if Nick Chubb gets bottled up by the Baltimore Ravens, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, D.K. Metcalf, and the New England Patriots defense should provide enough points to help Arik compete. 

DIXIE NORMOUS VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS

Historically, Dixie Normous and Footballdamus have needed every win they got to make the playoffs. So why not start off with a victory in Week 1? It’s fitting that this is the closest projected matchup, given the shit ton of imilarities between both of these rosters. Both have older QBs with a chip on their shoulder (Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers), young and promising WRs (D.J. Chark and John Brown), often injured WRs (Keenan Allen and Mike Evans), injured RBs on new teams (Todd Gurley and David Johnson), young emerging star RBs (Joe Mixon and Dalvin Cook), and good/potentially elite defenses (Indianapolis Colts and Pittsburgh Steelers). For those keeping track, I’ve been listing Nick’s players first and Riez’s players second. There’s really not much to separate these teams, although Riez’s potential x-factors (DeAndre Hopkins and Bobby Wagner) look better than Nick’s (James Conner and Nick Kwiatkoski). It’s Week 1 though, so honestly this is all up in the air, especially with literally no warm-up in-game action this past month. THE KRISPY KRITTERS VS. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM

Both the Krispy Kritters and C’s New Champ Team are looking for redemption, after having quite frankly fucking awful years last season. Well, given Chriss literally couldn’t access his roster and decided to let fate decide everything, there’s nowhere to go but up this year. It certainly helps to have a stacked lineup. Drew Brees, Chris Godwin, T.Y. Hilton, Ezekiel Elliott, Chris Carson, Mark Andrews, and the Seattle Seahawks defense all look like they’re going to have fast starts this season, while Kareem Hunt and Aaron Donald should provide even more points. As for Richard, there remain big questions around his key players, apart from Travis Kelce and the Baltimore Ravens defense. Does Matt Ryan still have it? Will Saquon Barkley and Miles Sanders stay healthy? Will Michael Gallup be able to get catches? Can Terry McLaurin thrive on a terrible team? Will Le’Veon Bell be able to do anything with Adam Gase as his head coach? Richard and everyone else will start to learn the answers, as the long NFL offseason finally ends.

ONE LAST THING

Detroit Lions fans can relax — the franchise favorite veteran has made the 53-man roster. I’m not talking about Matt Stafford or Danny Amendola or Marvin Jones or Jamie Collins. No, this is about the longest active Lion, who has a chance to break an NFL record this season. 

Through the ups and downs, the lows and not-as-lows of the past decade and a half, Don Muhlbach has been the consistent piece of the Lions roster. If you’ve never heard of him, it’s likely because he’s a LS (long snapper). I think that’s the first time I’ve ever used that position abbreviation in a newsletter. Anyway, Muhlbach went undrafted out of Texas A&M in 2004. He signed with the Baltimore Ravens before being released during training camp. Out of football for three months, he was signed by Detroit as a replacement for the injured Jody Littleton. Just six games into his career, he made a major mistake, botching a snap on an extra point with eight seconds remaining that caused the Lions to lose. Despite the huge fuckup by the rookie, Detroit decided to keep Muhlbach. 

16 years later, Muhlbach is still here, becoming one of the team’s main anchors. He’s the Lions’ active leader in games played, with 244 — more than guys like Dan Marino, Antonio Gates, Ray Lewis, and Eli Manning. He also hasn’t missed a game since 2009 and is the only Lion to ever play all 160 regular season games in a single decade (2010-19). During that time, he’s made two Pro Bowls and botched fewer snaps. Now, he has a shot at NFL history. The record for most regular season games played by a LS is 256, held by David Binn — the all-time San Diego/Los Angeles Chargers leader and games played and former boyfriend of Pamela Anderson (seriously). If Muhlbach can get through Week 14, he’ll surpass Binn’s mark and end up at least 37th on the NFL’s all-time list.

But Muhlbach didn’t get this shot with ease or without a bit of luck. While the guy once described as the “Nolan Ryan of long snappers” has continuously beaten out his competition, this year he got a run for his money. The Lions brought in Steven Wirtel, an undrafted standout from Texas A&M considered arguably the best LS in college football. Multiple reports say both were neck-and-neck in training camp, with some putting Wirtel slightly ahead. However, the current pandemic situation ended up working in Muhlback’s favor. With no preseason games for Wirtel to show his ability, Detroit’s choice essentially came down to an unproven rookie and their most consistent player over the past 16 years. It’s no surprise they went with the smart and safe option.

While Muhlbach is sitting second on the LS regular season games played list, third place is only seven games behind. L.P. Ladouceur, a native Canadian who went to Cal, had quite the start to his NFL career. He signed with the New Orleans Saints after being undrafted in 2005 (one year after Muhlbach), but was released while the team was evacuated to Oakland after Hurricane Katrina. Ladouceur stayed in the Bay Area, which ended up being super convenient. The Dallas Cowboys were in town, having just played the San Francisco 49ers in Week 3. With the following week’s game being against the Oakland Raiders, Dallas decided to stay in California. The Cowboys were having trouble with their LS, Jon Condo, so they brought in Ladouceur for a tryout. He impressed so much that Dallas signed him and waived Condo, who would go on to have his own lengthy career (ironically mostly with the Raiders). As for Ladourcer, he’s played every game since then, making one Pro Bowl and setting the Cowboys’ record for most consecutive regular season games played and most total regular season games played (237 each). He’s the last active Cowboy to have played under Bill Parcells. 

If Mulhbach gets hurt or makes a mistake, you can bet Ladouceur will pounce and take the active LS lead. But for now, it’s Mulhback’s game to lose. So let’s celebrate with the only proper way to end this newsletter — LONG SNAPPER HIGHLIGHTS!!!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness