Ruben's Writings

When I was trying to find a good theme for the last newsletter, I ended up with two good choices. One of them (the one I went with) was coaches, given that the publishing date fell on National Coaches Day. But the other idea was so good that I ended up saving it for this week. You see, October 6 (the date of the last newsletter) was the 77th anniversary of Game 4 of the 1945 World Series. Supposedly, William Sianis, owner of the Billy Goat Tavern, brought his pet goat, Murphy, with him to Wrigley Field. Apparently, Murphy was bothering other fans, so stadium security asked Sianis and Murphy to leave. Outraged, Sianis allegedly cursed the Chicago Cubs. Thus, the Curse of the Billy Goat was born, giving Cubs fans the main scapegoat for their team’s World Series title drought. That 108-year period between championships eventually ended in 2016, 71 years after Game 4 and almost 45 years to the day of Sianis’ death.

Now, while this instance is more of a baseball thing than a football one, the idea of a sports team being “cursed” is universal. The Curse of the Billy Goat is just one of many so-called explanations for a lack of success for a certain team, or a pattern of heartbreaking, often bizarre losses. The other truly notable baseball curse (perhaps the most famous sports curse of all time) was the Curse of the Bambino, which allegedly prevented my beloved Boston Red Sox from winning the World Series for 86 years. Don’t worry, I can personally vouch for that curse no longer being a thing — I saw the Red Sox win a World Series in person at Dodger Stadium (hi, Nick!). Football, of course, has its own famous curses, such as the Madden cover jinx (which has kind of disappeared lately) and the Super Bowl “hangover.” There’s also the iconic Sports Illustrated cover jinx. Apart from your team-wide curses, players often have their own superstitions, performing certain routines before and during each game to make sure some supernatural force doesn’t negatively impact their performance. Don’t even get me started on fan superstitions…

Another reason I kept “curses” in my back pocket was that, due to this year’s newsletter schedule, I needed one more edition to come out before Halloween. Each year, I’ve done a Halloween-themed newsletter, but I’ve made sure to not just give it a “general” Halloween feel. Each year, I’ve highlighted a specific aspect of Halloween/the spooky season in general and concentrated on it. So far, I’ve touched on monsters, costumes, and overall horror. Curses (basically any weird/supernatural phenomenon) definitely fits here. At the very least, if your fantasy team is doing poorly, you’ll for sure be cursing a lot.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

COCK COMMANDERS (6-1) DEF. 49ERS (3-4)

126.24 – 95.10

Well, well, well… we’re halfway through the regular season and look who’s in first place in both the standings and when it comes to points scored. The Cock Commanders have been a freight train from hell and it feels weird seeing a constant stream of offense from my fantasy football team. This most recent win game against the 49ers, despite Kenneth Walker (28 points) going beast mode, my lineup missing Darren Waller and Dalvin Cook, and my Justice Hill gamble not exactly paying off. Thankfully, Joe Burrow (39 points) appears to be back in form and Josh Jacobs (33 points) is playing like a fucking wrecking ball. Gee definitely had some back luck with Mark Andrews’ goose egg and D.K. Metcalf’s injury, but honestly his lineup as a whole didn’t perform too badly. It’s kind of like the real life 49ers this past weekend — they didn’t play poorly, but got the shit kicked out of them just because they played a superior opponent. Oh my god… I just compared myself to the Kansas City Chiefs. I have truly gone mad with success… 

DOMINION WARRIORS (5-2) DEF. HOG WILD (3-4)

111.22 – 92.10

As good things should be, everyone with the last name “Dominguez” is at the top. Following his first place son, Dad has bounced back from his first defeats of the season to firmly claim the second place spot. While he will be quick to claim Pat Mahomes (27 points) for the success of DOMINION WARRIORS, it’s Miami where he needs to look. Both Raheem Mostert (16 points) and the Dolphins defense (12 points) provided plenty of points for Dad to make a late comeback once the busy Sunday was done. The early action saw Wild Hogs do well, with Travis Etienne (17 points) giving Jimmy the lead. However, despite the rest of his lineup being solid if not stellar, none of Jimmy’s other players would end up surpassing Etienne’s total. In the end, this matchup came down to the ultimate wild card in fantasy football: New England Patriots RBs. Dad had the one listed as the starter, which turned out to be the correct choice, as Rhamondre Stevenson (17 points) outshone Damien Harris. As Dad keeps pace towards the top, Jimmy slips back again.

DIXIE NORMOUS (4-3) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-3)

83.34 – 78.72

I’m not quite sure what to make of this matchup. One one hand, both Dixie Normous and Three Eyed Ravens were missing multiple starters, including QBs (Jalen Hurts & Josh Allen). But on the other hand, what the fuck, guys? Several players on both lineups (Romeo Doubs, Buccaneers defense, Rondale Moore) completely shat the bed, while the win ended up coming down to Tua Tagovailoa, Chase Claypool, and Jalen Waddle dragging Nick ahead of Ewing, despite the efforts of George Pickens and Chase Edmonds (mostly Pickens). But while this matchup leaves a bad enough taste and has enough excuses to warrant a playoff rematch between Nick and Ewing, the immediate aftermath deserves some discussion. For Ewing, this marks the third straight loss since being the top-ranked, unbeaten team in the last newsletter. Have his marriage superpowers gone away? Is the honeymoon period over? Meanwhile, Nick has been surpassed in the scoring race despite dropping 200 points in one week, but has won three straight. I don’t get it, man. 

TEAM TBD (4-3) DEF. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (2-5)

120.58 – 101.00

How is it that seemingly every year, Arik assembles a roster that always seems to put up points, but has the rotten luck of always facing a team that puts up one of the highest scores of the week. Take this past weekend for example, when Channel 4 News Team saw great contributions from Austin Ekeler (24 points) and Nick Chubb (16 points). However, Tom Brady was held without a TD, Mike Evans dropped one of the most wide open TD passes I’ve ever seen, and Kyle Pitts followed a breakout week with a goose egg. Arik still topped triple digits, but happened to be facing Team TBD’s second-best offensive performance of the season. Ja’Marr Chase (25 points), Ezekiel Elliott (17 points), the Titans defense (19 points), Juwan Johnson (15 points), and Saquon Barkley (13 points) all had stellar days, more than enough to make up Kyle’s own goose egg in Amon-Ra St. Brown. While Kyle seems to have firmly steadied the ship ahead of a crucial stretch, another loss adds to the mountain that Arik will have to overcome to get back into it.

WELL DAMN (4-3) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-6)

83.54 – 67.96

To think, Well Damn has a nearly -150 point differential, yet has a winning record. I can’t tell if that’s bad luck (being on the receiving end of a 200-point performance) or good luck (everyone else being so shit that it doesn’t matter). Either way, Chriss definitely got some good luck to get back over .500. That’s despite Christian McCaffrey being limited when it comes to snaps due to just being traded (more on that later), Leonard Fournette playing like shit, and Jason Myers (16 points) being Chriss’ highest scorer. No, the luck actually comes from his opponent. Riaz is going through one of his toughest seasons ever, with Footballdamus at the bottom of the standings. However, everything was in place to get a much-needed win. But that didn’t happen because Riaz forgot the Rams were on a bye this week, with the defense (and Aaron Donald) still in his lineup. D’Andre Swift was also a late scratch. While Chriss’ lineup definitely didn’t perform well, you’d have to be legendarily shit to lose to a lineup with three blank spots. That didn’t happen.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-4) DEF. ALREADY INVESTED $$ (3-4)

114.80 – 79.92

Despite both teams having the same record, The Krispy Kritters and Already Invested $$ are heading in two different directions. For Richard, it’s his second straight win (and 100+ point performance) after a disappointing 70-point effort. For Emilio, it’s two straight losses (and 70-point displays) after a nice triple-digit weekend. So, let’s dissect the ass-whooping. Sadly, Richard’s favorite team must be given some credit, as the Cowboys defense (22 points) — along with Roquan Smith (17 points) — powering the lineup. Juju Smith-Schuster (18 points) and Joe Mixon (15 points) also helped make up for a pedestrian day by Lamar Jackson. Meanwhile, Emilio’s QB, Justin Herbert (19 points) was his top performer, with Mike Williams (14 points) also doing well before his injury and Derrick Henry (13 points) being his usual battering ram self. But the rest of the lineup was mediocre. It’s incredible how two teams with the same record and next to each other in the standings can have two dramatically different stories and overall momentum.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. Cock Commanders (6-1)
2. DOMINION WARRIORS (5-2)
3. Dixie Normous (4-3)
4. Three Eyed Ravens (4-3)
5. Team TBD (4-3)
6. Well Damn (4-3)
7. Already Invested (3-4)
8. The Krispy Kritters (3-4)
9. 49ers (3-4)
10. Hog Wild (3-4)
11. Channel 4 News Team (2-5)
12. Footballdamus (1-6)

PUSH FOR THE POSTER:

1. Cock Commanders (831.28)
2. Dixie Normous (792.90)
3. DOMINION WARRIORS (734.76)
4. Already Invested $$ (726.30)
5. The Krispy Kritters (715.52)
6. Three Eyed Ravens (715.52)
7. Team TBD (715.40)
8. Channel 4 News Team (700.62)
9. Well Damn (663.50)
10. 49ers (643.18)
11. Hog Wild (632.66)
12. Footballdamus (554.02)

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: (looks around) Oh shit this is me. This is clearly me but I don’t want to jinx myself. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck how do I get out of this? How do I praise the incredible air raid of Joe Burrow, the bulldozing power of Josh Jacobs, the reliability of Dalvin Cook and Tyreek Hill, and additions like Deon Jackson and the Jets defense that stepped up without cursing them? Wait… shit.

WORST: Holy shit did me being Ewing’s wedding officiant really take away his superpowers? Including our matchup, Ewing has lost his past three games, failing to crack triple digits despite doing so in every previous matchup (all wins). Maybe Aly’s hoarding all of the fantasy football luck in the family. If so, we all should be terrified when she eventually joins us in the Epic League.

TRANSACTION

WORST: Did Gee’s bitching about trades in the group chat give some of you head trauma? Ewing, that trade the two of you agreed to is the classic “one big thing for a lot of little things” trade Gee’s known for. Hell, D.K. Metcalf just got injured — you’re literally trading for an injured guy. Cooper Kupp has arguably been your best player and you just gave him to Gee. WTF?

ALSO WORST: Emilio, what dirt does Jimmy have on you for you to agree to that trade? Is it nude pictures or something about Dan Snyder? The reason you draft two good QBs is to either swap between them based on matchups or use one of them as great trade bait. This is what you finally get rid of Kyler Murray for? Damien Harris? A backup RB? Know your own worth, man.

LINEUP DECISION

BAD: Think of this as “worst transaction” that didn’t involve a trade. Realizing Russell Wilson sucks and needing a replacement QB, Gee decided to gamble on Carson Wentz, a move that didn’t exactly work. What makes this move even worse is that in order to add Wentz, Gee cut Juju Smith-Schuster, who has posted 18 points in each game since leaving Gee’s lineup.

WORST: As the halfway point favorite to win the Jop, Riaz needs every win he can get. What he cannot do is turn a potential victory over a vulnerable Chriss into a loss by not only missing that D’Andre Swift is out due to injury, but leaving both the Rams defense and Aaron Donald in his lineup when both of them are on a bye. Only Arik is keeping Riaz company at the bottom.

LUCK

BEST: Nick hasn’t played spectacularly over the past few weeks, but is on a three-game winning streak, which requires a bit of luck. Nowhere was that more apparent than in Week 5, when Nick beat Dad in a close shootout. In that matchup, Dad was hurt by Najee Harris, who only tallied a few points. Meanwhile, Tyler Lockett’s 22 points were wasted on Dad’s bench. That’s some luck.

WORST: Look at the bottom two teams in the standings. Arik has scored nearly 150 points more than Riaz and has only six fewer points scored against him. Yet Arik only has one more win than the last place team in the league. I mentioned it’s incredible that Arik seemingly always has teams that can score, yet end up always competing against teams that score a little bit more. Bad luck!

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

Give Josh Jacobs all of the money. Give him everything — every single cent, item, perk, or stipulation — he asks for. Print a massive check with his name on it. Do not let him leave Las Vegas at season’s end without him putting pen to paper. Hell, just cross Darren Waller’s name off his contract and write Jacobs’ name in there instead. Do exactly what Teddy KGB says. Jacobs has done things that none of Marcus Allen, Bo Jackson, any of the unsung heroes from the 1970’s and 80’s, or any other Raiders RB has ever done — a feat even more impressive given how pass-happy the NFL has become. By the way, congrats to Jacobs on breaking into the Top 10 list of all-time Raiders rushers. Given the way he’s going to finish this season at No. 7 at worst and could pass both Darren McFadden and Marv Hubbard to crack the Top 5. 

When it comes to the rest of the team, it’s best that I avoid the Chiefs game — this way, I save about five paragraphs’ worth of bitching, several cases of liquor, and the billions of brain cells that would’ve been lost with that alcohol consumption. So let’s get to the Texans game. For the first three quarters, the Raiders were the team I feared they would be — filled with stupid mistakes, bad execution, and a shockingly disappointing defense. Las Vegas was losing to Houston for fuck’s sake. Then the 4th quarter happened and the Raiders became the team I dreamed they could be. Las Vegas leaned heavily on the running game and Jacobs got two more TDs. The defense clamped the fuck down and even scored a TD. Josh McDaniels actually made adjustments and the Raiders pulled away from their opponent late to win by three scores. I can’t remember the last time I typed those words. 

The problem with this period of play since the last newsletter is that — on paper — everything played out like we all thought it would. The Raiders lost to Kansas City, no one on the roster killed anyone during the bye week, and Houston was beatable. We’ve learned nothing, apart from just how valuable Jacobs is. There’s not much more else I can say — there will be much more to discuss and analyze in the following newsletter. That’s because the Raiders have started what is a crucial stretch of the schedule, one which will see the Raiders not only needing wins but favored in their next 5-6 matchups. This stretch will determine whether Las Vegas will be back in playoff contention this season. Also, if we lose to Dennis Allen I’m gonna be pissed.

Also, shoutout to the local crew of Jimmy, Elise, Kyle, Alli, Chriss, and Taylor, who all lent their energy to the Raiders this past Sunday. I can feel Jimmy’s drunkenness just from looking at this photo. If this proves to be the magic combo I will personally spearhead the gofundme campaign to send you guys to every Raiders game from now on. Hopefully Iggy Azalea will be there again to shake it. Also, welcome to Raider Nation, Kyle! One of us! One of us! One of us!

STATS OF THE MONTH

Can someone explain what in the holy fuck is going on in the NFL? The New York Giants — the fucking GIANTS — are 6-1. This weekend, they’ll be playing the Geno Smith-led Seattle Seahawks, who are in sole possession of first place in the NFC West. The New York Jets meanwhile are 5-2 and are in possession of the first Wild Card spot. The Minnesota Vikings are cruising to the NFC North title. Both Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers’ teams are in serious danger of not making the playoffs. Meanwhile, the one division we all thought would be batshit crazy — the AFC West — is basically the same; everyone but the Kansas City Chiefs suck. 

Let’s start with the pleasant surprises. Brian Daboll has got to be Coach of the Year at this point. While they may be winning ugly, as long as they keep winning the Giants can keep shocking everyone and make the playoffs (see the 2021 Raiders as an example). While New York’s schedule will get harder — two games against the unbeaten Philadelphia Eagles, plus a rematch with the Dallas Cowboys and a road contest against Minnesota remain. However, so do two contests against the Washington Commanders, plus games against the Houston Texans, Detroit Lions, and Indianapolis Colts. Given that the Eagles, Vikings, and Cowboys are the only NFC teams that look competent, the Giants can easily sneak into the playoffs. All they need is to keep believing in and playing for each other. However, it may be midnight for the other New York Cinderella. Breece Hall’s injury will likely spell doom for the Jets, who also have a harder schedule. Still, you beat the Denver Broncos, so thank you for your service.

On the other side of the coin, we have the Green Bay Packers, who have dropped three straight contests to the Giants, Jets, and Commanders. That’s a sentence that would’ve been unthinkable going into the season. So what has gone wrong in Green Bay? While the Davante Adams trade can’t be blamed for everything, it may have bigger roots than we thought. Rodgers clearly doesn’t trust his WRs and is making adjustments — both warranted and not — that are fucking things up. But the strange thing is, Rodgers feels like he has to play hero ball, despite the fact that Aaron Jones has been dominating on the ground. You don’t need to read my bitching about a team needing to run the ball more for a second straight section, but know that a lack of runs is by far the biggest issue Packers fans have with their team. The real mystery is who exactly is responsible for the disappearing running game? Is Rodgers audibling out of too many run plays and selfishly throwing it instead? Is Matt LaFleur being exposed by either not standing up to Rodgers’ changes, him being the one to not feed Jones, or refusing to make the same adjustments that Josh fucking McDaniels is making? Green Bay has to figure shit out, fast, or else they will literally die against the Buffalo Bills this weekend.

Sadly, I don’t have those same concerns about the Buccaneers. Brady has done too much in the past to warrant being buried early, Tampa Bay is too loaded to be this bad for long, and the NFC South is too terrible for the Buccaneers to not stumble directly into a division title. However, this latest loss — a blowout to the Chrsitian McCaffrey-less Carolina Panthers — is concerning.

Oh yeah, about that other thing…

So yeah, the San Francisco 49ers traded for Christian McCaffrey. You know a trade is massive when I have it in the A block of my show after it breaks. San Francisco had better win the Super Bowl, or else this is going to blow up, big time. The 49ers wouldn’t have made this move had they not believed they could win it all. But can they? Three things stand in their way. First off, injuries. When the trade was announced, everyone joked that McCaffrey and the 49ers were a match made in heaven, given their injury histories. But actually it’s still an issue and could hamper San Francisco enough to basically create a ceiling for this team. That leads to the second issue: Jimmy Garoppolo, who puts his own ceiling on the team. If Pat Mahomes were on the 49ers, they would go unbeaten and win every game by 30. If a solid, Pro Bowl caliber QB were on the 49ers, they might’ve won a Super Bowl in the past decade. All San Francisco asks of Jimmy G is to be a game manager and not fuck up — if he’s forced to play from behind, the latter requirement goes out the window. Finally, the 49ers just may not be as good as we thought. By that I don’t mean they’re terrible or anything. I fully expect them (as well the Los Angeles Rams) to get their shit together and make the playoffs. But maybe this roster just can’t win the Super Bowl. They’d have to play a team like Mahomes’ Chiefs if they even got there — we saw how that ended up. Still, at least there’s the draft — oh wait McCaffrey and Trey Lance have cost San Francisco all of the draft picks. But at least McCaffrey’s getting paid, like Taylor Heinicke apparently. 

So the Commanders have been in the news a lot lately, the latest incident being the team’s 50/50 raffle winner seeing their check bounce. That, of course, followed some slightly more headline-making news of Dan Snyder reportedly hiring people to dig up dirt on other NFL owners so they could never remove him from power. Snyder also apparently compared the NFL ownership group to the mafia, with everyone hating each other — one executive hilariously responded by denying that, instead saying everyone hates Snyder. Then Jim Irsay came out and basically called Snyder out, saying they likely have enough votes to remove him after all. Skipping over the fact that it took him taking money from/investigating other owners — not the decades-long overt racism or prostituting cheerleaders or the hostile, sexual harassment-filled workplace culture that literally put Snyder in front of Congress — for the rest of the league to give a shit, I want this story to blow everything up. Whether Snyder, Roger Goodell, the other owners, or all of the above get their dirty laundry aired in public, I want it to happen. Burn it the fuck down.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 27, 2002, one of the NFL’s most hallowed records was broken. Going into the 2002 season, the Dallas Cowboys were far from the team that had won three Super Bowls in four years in the prior decade. Dallas was coming off back-to-back 5-11 seasons under Dave Campo and in its second full year without two of the famed “triplets” — Troy Aikman and Michael Irvin, who had retired recently. However, one triplet remained. Though he was in the twilight of his career, Emmitt Smith had one major goal going into 2002, one that was heavily mentioned during the Cowboys’ appearance on Hard Knocks. All those years running behind the “great line of Dallas” had gotten him within striking distance of Walter Payton’s career record of 16,726 rushing yards. Smith, behind what was left of that legendary offensive line, had clawed and scratched during the first seven weeks of the season. Going into a Week 8 home game, Smith found himself less than 100 yards away from Payton’s mark.

With one eye on the scoreboard and one eye on the box score, the crowd at Texas Stadium was on pins and needles as Smith got closer and closer to the record with each rush. Finally, with just under ten minutes remaining in the game, Smith took a handoff on 2nd & 7 at Dallas’ 30-yard line, burst through the hole created by Jeremy McKinney, broke a couple of arm tackles, and finally fell at the 41-yard line. Those 11 yards were enough to do it — 18 years after Payton had surpassed Jim Brown’s legendary rushing record, it was Smith who stood as the NFL’s all-time rushing king. As fans leapt to their feet in applause, the game was paused and Smith took a knee and said a prayer. Robert Thomas ran over and picked Smith into the air. Smith then ran to the sideline to embrace his mother, wife, and children. After Smith acknowledged the crowd, the game resumed, but Smith wasn’t done. The Cowboys’ drive finished with Smith rumbling into the end zone for the 150th TD of his career, extending his other record.

That’s all anyone remembers about that game — the record — because at the end of the day that’s all that matters. But there’s much more about that game that deserves to be mentioned. There was, after all, another team involved — the Seattle Seahawks. For the past year or so, a QB battle had been raging in Seattle, between Trent Dilfer and Matt Hasselbeck. Dilfer was the starter going into the season, but wasn’t playing well. Against Dallas, Dilfer had totaled just 46 passing yards when he was hurt and replaced by Hasselbeck, who helped spark a bit of offense. The drive before Smith’s record-breaking run, Hasselbeck helped guide the Seahawks down the field, with Shaun Alexander giving them a 14-7 lead with a TD. Smith’s own score may have tied the game, but Hasselbeck drove Seattle down the field again, with Rian Lindell kicking a FG with 25 seconds left and the Seahawks winning the game 17-14. That’s right — Smith and Dallas may have won the battle, but Hasselbeck and Seattle won the war that day.

In fact, from that game on, Hasselbeck had firmly wrestled the Seahawks’ starting job away from Dilfer. While Seattle didn’t make the playoffs that year, they would start to build a contender. Behind Smith and Alexander (a future MVP), the Seahawks would take part in five straight postseasons, reaching Super Bowl XL — a game many say they would’ve won if not for some shady officiating. Meanwhile, with their main goal already completed, the Cowboys limped to a third consecutive 5-11 season under Campo. While Dallas would rebound to make the playoffs the following season under Campo’s replacement, Bill Parcells, Smith would not be there to see it. Smith was released by the Cowboys and eventually signed with the Arizona Cardinals, whose uniform he would wear for the final two years of his career. Although the Cardinals were terrible and Smith was a mere shell of his former self, he did manage to tack on some distance between himself and Payton. Smith retired after the 2004 season with 18,355 rushing yards and 164 rushing TDs to his name. Both remain records to this day and are unlikely going to be broken anytime soon. 20 years later, Smith’s record-breaking run remains the best thing that has happened to the Cowboys in the 21st century.

OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:

— 2013: Terrelle Pryor breaks off a 93-yard run (an NFL record for a QB) for a TD on the first play from scrimmage as the Oakland Raiders defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers 21-18

— 2013: Calvin Johnson compiles the second-most receiving yards in an NFL game (329) and Matt Stafford scores with 12 seconds left as the Detroit Lions beat the Dallas Cowboys 31-30

— 1946: Tommy Thompson throws a TD with 90 seconds remaining to help the Philadelphia Eagles come back from a 24-0 halftime deficit to defeat the Washington Redskins 28-24

I don’t know where to put this, but I stumbled upon (no hyperbole) one of the funniest things I have ever seen. The World Series begins tomorrow and everyone with a soul is rooting for the Philadelphia Phillies against the Houston Astros. But while an Astros title win would suck, it’s much better than the ultimate evil — a yankees championship. Fortunately, for the 13th consecutive year, that will not happen, as the Astros swept the yankees in the ALCS. With the yankees down 0-3, the team’s “mental skills coach” sent out highlights of the 2004 ALCS, to prove that a team can come back from that deficit. The issue: it was the yankees who famously blew that lead, to their arch rival Boston Red Sox no less. As I wiped the tears from my eyes after laughing for about 15 minutes, I decided to look up what kind of chucklefuck thinks it’s a good idea to motivate a team on the verge of being swept by showing them the worst moment in franchise history. That’s when I found the cherry on top to this delicious sundae of a story — according to this website, Chad Bohling has also been a “mental conditioning consultant” for the Dallas Cowboys since 2012. Keep it up, Chad! You’re doing a phenomenal job!

By the way, what ended up happening to that 2004 Red Sox team?

THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN MLB HISTORY:

On October 27, 2004, the Boston Red Sox broke the aforementioned Curse of the Bambino and won the franchise’s first World Series in 86 years. While many consider the moment the Red Sox completed their historic comeback against the yankees — becoming the first MLB team to win a best-of-seven series after losing the first three games, at the expense of their arch rivals in arguably the greatest postseason series in the history of sports — to be better than winning a championship, Boston still had four more wins to go to get its long-awaited ring. Though the Red Sox won Game 1 against the St. Louis Cardinals 11-9, the batshit, back-and-forth nature of the contest made it seem like we were in for a wild ride. However, Curt Schilling and Pedro Martinez largely shut down the Cardinals offense in Games 2 and 3, while the Red Sox bats stayed hot to go up 3-0. Unlike the yankees, this team would not blow that kind of lead. Johnny Damon hit a home run in the first at-bat of Game 4 to put Boston up 1-0. Two innings later, Trot Nixon narrowly missed a grand slam, but managed to drive in a pair of runs to make it 3-0. That would be plenty of support for Derek Lowe, who was excellent on the mound. In the 9th inning, Keith Foulke retired two of the first three batters before opening up Edgar Renteria with a ball. On the next pitch, Renteria hit a ground ball that bounced right back to Foulke, who threw it underhand to Doug Mientkiewicz for the final out. As the Red Sox rushed to celebrate on the mound, fans around the world erupted in joy at finally witnessing a championship they had feared would never come. Little did they know, Boston would go on to win three more World Series titles (as of this writing), more than any other MLB team in the 21st century. Two of those three other rings would be won with 2004 ALCS hero David Ortiz as part of his HOF career.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 WORST NFL PRIME TIME GAMES (SO FAR)

No one likes Thursday Night Football. Players have less time to recover and are more susceptible to injuries. Coaches have less time to game plan. Viewership is impacted by people working (and TNF not being as much of a tradition as Monday Night Football). But it’s not going anywhere anytime soon, especially with Amazon paying $1.3B for the right to broadcast Thursday night games for the next 11 years. I’d be more pissed about these games being restricted to Prime Video if I didn’t already have a subscription just to watch The Grand Tour. However, the biggest complaint is just the seemingly disproportionate amount of shitty games being played on Thursday. It seems like the NFL specifically schedules the worst games of the week for Thursdays, with few of those matchups being pleasant surprises. The terrible Thursday talk has gotten even louder recently, with us coming off back-to-back weeks of not just terrible football, but times where we’ve honestly asked, “was that the worst football game I’ve ever seen?”

So let’s do one of the more painful deep dives in recent memory. Let’s look at some of the worst football games in recent memory. We’re not just limiting this to Thursdays, though — part of the reason terrible TNF games get so much publicity is the fact that they’re the only games going on. For this list, I’m including any game played in prime time — Thursday night, Monday night, and Sunday night. While I didn’t intend on making this distinction, I ended up only including games played in the 21st century. In the end, it kind of made sense — Thursday Night Football was introduced in the 2000’s and this should be the era of aesthetically pleasing football. But there are more than a few games that have defied that notion, with the eyes of the nation watching. Now, blowouts can also be bad games, ones where all competitiveness goes out the window early. However, I’m not including any blowouts for one reason — the fans of the winning team enjoyed them. Hell, I don’t care if it’s prime time or not — if the Raiders ever won a game in a blowout I would cry tears of joy. No, in order to make this list, the quality of football has to be so poor, not even the winning team’s fans feel good afterwards. In other words, both teams deserved to lose. 

HONORABLE MENTION: SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS (WEEK 7, 2012)

Russell Wilson’s first game against his future rival team was one to forget. San Francisco held Wilson to just 115 yards in the air and Frank Gore nearly out-rushed the Seahawks by himself. In fact, both RBs (Gore and Marshawn Lynch) nearly out-gained their QBs (Wilson and Alex Smith). While San Francisco was only able to find the end zone once, it was enough to beat Seattle in a 13-6 Thursday night special. Wilson clearly had some room to grow and the 49ers were two just games from being forced to turn to their backup QB, Colin Kaepernick, due to an injury to Smith.

HONORABLE MENTION: 49ERS @ BRONCOS (WEEK 3, 2022)

Russell Wilson’s most recent game against his rival team was also one to forget. The 49ers scored a TD early in the game, but were held out of the end zone afterwards, not including the time Jimmy Garoppolo stepped out of his own end zone (which somehow prevented a pick-six). The Broncos managed to finally score their own TD with just a few minutes left and Denver’s defense forced back-to-back turnovers on San Francisco’s final two drives to help preserve an 11-10 Sunday night victory. This will not be the last time Wilson (or the 49ers) will be mentioned.

HONORABLE MENTION: CARDINALS @ RAMS (WEEK 15, 2014)

Let’s get the rest of the NFC West in here. The first time the Rams and Cardinals met in 2014, Arizona lost Carson Palmer to a knee injury. The second time these teams collided, Palmer’s backup, Drew Stanton, also suffered a knee injury. In stepped Ryan Lindley, who completely stunk up the joint. However, both fared better than Shaun Hill, who was kept out of the end zone and had no help from the St. Louis running game, which combined for just 69 yards. The kicking game was the highlight for both teams, as Arizona beat St. Louis in a 12-6 Thursday “thriller.”

HONORABLE MENTION: TEXANS @ BENGALS (WEEK 2, 2017)

Deshaun Watson’s first career start turned out to be a game that ended up just as shitty on-field as he did off-field. There was exactly one good play from the Texans and Bengals’ Thursday throwdown in Week 2 of 2017 — Watson’s 49-yard TD run. Still, apart from that play, Watson looked very much like the rookie he was and only threw for 125 yards. Incredibly, Cincinnati was even worse, with a paltry 82 yards on the ground (Joe Mixon led the Bengals in rushing yards and was only the 4th leading rusher in the game). Houston won an absolutely dull affair 13-9.

HONORABLE MENTION: STEELERS @ BROWNS (WEEK 14, 2009)

Going into their Thursday night clash in Week 14 of 2009, the Steelers were the defending Super Bowl champs and the Browns were 1-11. It wasn’t expected to be pretty and it definitely wasn’t, but not for the reasons everyone anticipated. Rashard Mendenhall tallied just 53 rushing yards and Ben Roethlisberger was sacked eight times. Cleveland’s offense wasn’t much better, with Brady Quinn tallying just 90 passing yards. But some brilliance from Josh Cribbs and a decent running game were enough to shockingly beat Pittsburgh 13-6 in an awful cold weather game.

10. BEARS @ 49ERS (WEEK 10, 2009)

In 2009, the Bears made a franchise-altering move by trading for Jay Cutler. Despite starting the season 3-1, Chicago had tumbled to 4-4 when they made the trip to San Francisco to kick off Week 10. The Bears were by far the better offensive team that Thursday night, with Cutler putting up 307 yards through the air (compared to just 118 for Alex Smith). However, it would be the 49ers defense who made the difference (and made head coach and Bears icon Mike Singletary proud) by intercepting Cutler not once, not twice, but FIVE times throughout the game. Between Chicago’s promising drives being thwarted by Cutler’s mistakes (and a running game that put up just 43 yards) and San Francisco’s own offensive ineptitude, those watching the game were left frustrated. However, the 49ers eventually broke through thanks to Frank Gore and Joe Nedney answered two FGs by future San Francisco K Robbie Gould with one of his own. Unfortunately for viewers, the 49ers’ 10-6 victory was a throwback to the style of Singletary’s playing days.

9. RAVENS @ JAGUARS (WEEK 7, 2011)

Here’s a trivia question: which team did Blaine Gabbert record his first win as a starting NFL QB against? The answer: the Ravens in Week 7 of the 2011 season. What’s more, Baltimore would finish 12-4 and reach the AFC title game and Gabbert’s Jaguars would finish 5-11. This Monday night game makes no fucking sense and I haven’t even told you what happened yet. First off, that “win” came despite Gabbert passing for just 93 yards and no TDs. Maurice Jones-Drew tallied 12 more yards on the ground and Josh Scobee made four FGs, which would be Jacksonville’s only points. Still, it would be enough to get the win, as Baltomire’s offense was simply anemic. Ray Rice was beaten up by the Jaguars defense, tallying just 28 yards on eight carries. Joe Flacco wasn’t much better, tossing just 137 yards and an INT. Flacco did also find Anquan Boldin for a TD, but that came with just over two minutes left in the game. The Ravens couldn’t recover the onside kick and Jacksonville held on for a 12-7 victory in a game with plenty of mistakes. 

8. VIKINGS @ PACKERS (WEEK 16, 2006)

In their Thursday night matchup against Minnesota in Week 16 of 2006, Green Bay recorded 19 1st downs and 319 total yards (285 of them via Brett Favre’s arm). The Vikings, meanwhile, gained just three 1st downs and 104 total yards (50 of them from Tavaros Jackson’s arm. So how the living hell was Minnesota winning with less than two minute remaining? There were two reasons. 1: Despite giving up a shit ton of yards, the Vikings kept Green Bay out of the end zone. 2: The Packers couldn’t stop making mistakes. While Dave Rayner made two FGs in the first half, he also missed two of them. Then, midway through the 3rd quarter, Fred Smoot picked off Favre and took the ball into the end zone, giving Minnesota the aforementioned lead at 7-6. Fortunately for Packers fans, one more Rayner FG with 1:34 left put Green Bay up for good — they would win 9-7. This was just the third time in NFL history that the losing team scored the only TD off a defensive turnover. The first was another 9-7 game between the Packers and Vikings. Weird.

7. STEELERS @ JAGUARS (WEEK 2, 2006)

If you can believe it, Week 2 of 2006 was capped by a hyped up Monday night matchup between the Steelers and Jaguars. Pittsburgh was the defending Super Bowl champ and Jacksonville had finished 12-4 the year before. But the prior season also saw both teams win more games than there were points combined in this game. The final score is not easy on the eyes — Jacksonville won 9-0 thanks to three Josh Scobee FGs. What saves this game from being further up the list is that the defenses were genuinely excellent — particularly the Jaguars. Ben Roethlisberger was sacked and intercepted twice (and held to just 141 passing yards), while Willie Parker had a paltry 20 yards rushing on 11 carries. Jacksonville’s offense wasn’t much better, but both Byran Leftwich and Fred Taylor did enough to drive the Jaguars down the field for some points. Plus, Jacksonville’s home crowd was pumped up all night, helping keep the mood up. Still, there’s only so much I can sugarcoat a game that failed to tally double digit points and see a TD scored.

6. VIKINGS @ GIANTS (WEEK 7, 2013)

You might look at this Monday night affair — a 23-7 Giants win over the Vikings — on paper and wonder what it’s doing on this list, let alone so high. After all, New York scored more points than the rest of these matchups combined. How bad could this game have been? Well, if the Giants’ 0-6 record and Minnesota’s 1-4 record going into the end of 2013’s Week 7 aren’t bad enough, consider that Minnesota started a QB who they signed ten days prior. His name? Josh Freeman. Despite barely knowing the offense, Freeman was tasked with airing it out. His final stats? 20 completions on 53 (yes, 53) attempts for just 190 yards and an INT. He also overthrew his WRs a whopping 16 times, an NFL record. The Vikings’ only score came from a punt returned for a TD. The Giants weren’t exactly much better (especially Hakeem Nicks), but New York’s offense was like that of that year’s Denver Broncos in comparison. This game also pretty much killed Freeman’s career, but it did give birth to this legendary gif to commemorate his performance.

T4. COLTS @ BRONCOS (WEEK 5, 2022)

At the start of this season, the Colts and Broncos traded for Matt Ryan and Russell Wilson, respectively, in the hope that they were just a good QB away from contention. Not even halfway through the schedule and not only do both teams still suck, but neither QB is exactly looking good right now. Together, Indianapolis and Denver were absolutely awful at offensive football, both due to injuries (namely to RBs) and overall ineptitude (Ryan, Wilson, and their offensive lines). Apart from defense and FGs, the only things both teams were good at was breaking the internet with just how badly they were playing. Thanks to sheer spite from the football gods, this was one of just two games on this list to reach OT, where a mix of play calling errors and poor reading led to the Colts hanging on for the 12-9 win. But there were no winners in Denver on that night three weeks ago today — just us poor football-addicted sadists with Amazon Prime subscriptions. The only thing keeping us sane was the belief that Thursday night games couldn’t get any worse.

T4. COMMANDERS @ BEARS (WEEK 6, 2022)

Literally one week later — the very next Thursday night game — our beliefs were (probably) shattered. The Bears picked one of the worst possible times to debut their first ever orange helmets — Chicago apparently spent more time brightening up their gear than making sure Justin Fields isn’t killed on the field. Despite his offensive line looking even more like traffic cones and his WRs failing to catch a pass, Fields’ running ability was one of the few bright spots in this dull game. Somehow, Washington’s offense was even worse — Carson Wentz banged up his hand, his WRs also had hands of stone, and the Commanders’ only TD was thanks to a muffed punt by Chicago. The Bears’ only TD came from a random bomb one of the few catches made all game. In stark contrast, Chicago made three red zone trips and got zero points, including their final drive when a bobbled catch meant they came up half a yard short, with Washington holding on for the 12-7 win. For as awful as this game was, I can’t decide if it was worse than its predecessor.

3. WASHINGTON @ COWBOYS (WEEK 5, 2001)

Sometimes, you can smell a stinker coming from a mile away. Such was the case when Tony Banks and 0-4 Washington went into Dallas to face Anthony Wright and the 0-4 Cowboys on Monday night to cap off Week 5 of the 2001 season. The naysayers were proven right in pre-game warm-ups, when a horse bumped into Dallas K Tim Seder. Then, Washington fumbled its first snap and didn’t get a 1st down until the final play of the opening quarter. Seder, perhaps showing the ill effects of his brush with the bronco, missed his first FG attempt. He would nail his second kick just before halftime to give Dallas a 3-0 lead — it would remain the only score of the game until the 4th quarter. That’s when Washignton finally showed life with a TD catch by Michael Westbrook. Another Seder FG cut into the lead, but Washington was primed for the win until a fumble by Stephen Davis gave the Cowboys a chance. Dallas drove down the field and Seder’s third FG mercifully put an end to this wretched contest, with the Cowboys coming out on top 9-7.

2. SEAHAWKS @ CARDINALS (WEEK 7, 2016)

Seahawks games over the past decade have largely been crazy — this was no exception. What little offense Seattle and Arizona produced in this Sunday night clash in 2016’s Week 7 came slowly and painfully. Seven of the first eight drives ended with punts, with the exception ending with a blocked FG. The Cardinals led 3-0 at halftime — that might’ve been the final score had the Seahawks not blocked another kick late in the 4th quarter and taken advantage of field position to tie the game at 3-3. In OT, things finally kicked up, with each team doubling their score. Then came the stupidity. Arizona drove to Seattle’s one-yard line and went for a FG on 3rd down — the 24-yarder hit the upright and bounced out. Seattle then drove down and went for a 28-yard FG — that went wide left. That’s right, back-to-back game-winning FG attempts of under 30 yards missed in OT. Neither team deserved to win, so the 6-6 tie was quite justified. These teams would meet almost exactly two months later, with the Cardinals winning 34-31. I don’t get it, either.

1. DOLPHINS @ STEELERS (WEEK 12, 2007)

Unless a game literally ends 0-0, there will never be a worse prime time game, Monday night game, or modern NFL game in general than what happened during Week 12 of the 2007 season. Before the game, the big story was Joey Porter leading the 0-10 Dolphins into Pittsburgh to face his old team. By the end, the story would be the wet, stormy conditions that left Heinz Field a muddy mess. As a result, neither team could do much at all. Both teams combined for just 375 total yards, nine sacks, and three turnovers. Miami had just 49 rushing yards. If 11 of us played against an NFL defense in normal conditions, we might have a better chance at scoring then either the Dolphins or Steelers did that night. The highlight of the night ended up being a 3rd quarter punt by Miami that landed straight in the ground and didn’t bounce. Eventually, thanks to a good punt return, Pittsburgh got into position to kick a FG with 17 seconds left, mercifully ending this game and winning 3-0. It literally took an act of god to produce football that bad.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

COCK COMMANDERS (6-1) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-6)

Here it is: the perfect trap game. Cock Commanders are on a four-game winning streak and are first in the standings and points race. Footballdamus has one win all year and is last on both lists. I’ve been talking shit about how good my team is and giving Riaz shit for his mistakes. Joe Burrow is on a major roll and playing a shredded Browns defense. Aaron Rodgers is ice cold and about to face the best team in football on the road. You cannot write a better scenario for a random loss (and believe me I’ve tried). Congrats to Riaz on your second victory of the year!

DOMINION WARRIORS (5-2) VS. WELL DAMN (4-3)

Who ever saw Sam Ehlinger vs. Derek Carr being part of a fantasy football matchup, let alone one between two teams with a winning record. That’s the reality with DOMINION WARRIORS (missing Pat Mahomes) and Well Damn (Justin Fields is playing the Cowboys). Both Dad and Chriss will be heavily invested in tonight’s game thanks to Gus Edwards and Leonard Fournette, as well as the 49ers game. Christian McCaffrey will finally get to be fully involved with San Francisco’s offense, while Deebo Samuel is always a threat to score whenever he’s on the field.

DIXIE NORMOUS (4-3) VS. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (2-5)

The winner of my “best luck” award against the recipient of my “worst luck” title. I wonder how this one’s gonna go? Dixie Normous has been on a nice streak lately, while Channel 4 News Team has scored a lot, not often not enough. To that end, Arik needs Tom Brady and Mike Evans to get back to form tonight, while Justin Tucker could do both harm and good to Chriss, who also has the Buccaneers defense. The two last games of the week will also be crucial to this matchup, with Stefon Diggs, Aaron Jones, Amari Cooper, and Nick Chubb all in action.

THREE EYED RAVENS (4-3) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-4)

Three Eyed Ravens have gone from unbeaten to losers of three straight. While Ewing hopes the return of Josh Allen and newcomers David Montgomery and George Kittle will boost his offense, real life conflict stands in his way. The Krispy Kritters are led by Lamar Jackson — the QB of Ewing’s real life favorite team. Speaking of favorite teams, Richard has been winning just like Dallas. The Cowboys defense and Roquan Smith have been killing it. Did I mention Montgomery is facing the Cowboys and Ewing also has both Ravens and Buccaneers defensive players?

TEAM TBD (4-3) VS. 49ERS (3-4)

While it’s better than their last place standing in the last newsletter, the 49ers’ current position is still out of the playoffs. Gee’s already made one big move to reverse the trend, sending several players away for Cooper Kupp. Now, he’s doing something even more bold, starting not one, not two, but three different Jaguars in his lineup. Guess that’s the new strat — start whoever’s playing the Broncos. Meanwhile, Team TBD is hoping Dak Prescott makes some nice progress from his first start back last weekend. Kyle should get a boost from a returning Eagles defense as well.

ALREADY INVESTED $$ (3-4) VS. HOG WILD (3-4)

So Emilio, let me get this straight. Not only was your trade with Jimmy completely fucking dumb (as I mentioned above), but Already Invested $$ also happens to be playing a Kyler Murray-led Hog Wild this week? Also, you traded one of your two star QBs the week the other one (Justin Herbert) is on a bye, rendering the whole reason you drafted both of them pointless? To top it all off, you’ve been forced to start Daniel Jones at QB? The last time I saw something this awful and poorly-timed, Dak Prescott was literally running out the Cowboys’ season in the playoffs.

ONE LAST THING

We almost got through a whole newsletter without mentioning my trip to Florida. But there’s something about the trip I haven’t mentioned before, something I’ve been saving for this exact moment — a fitting end to my Halloween newsletter.

While I had nothing planned for our time before the U.S. Open Cup Final except for getting drunk with other Sacramento Republic FC fans, Kyle had one idea. Turns out, Kyle and his girlfriend, Alli, love escape rooms and often travel all over the place to attempt various escape rooms, or make sure to try them out when they go places (like I do with attending sports events). They had apparently scouted Orlando and the surrounding area and found some of the highest-rated escape rooms in all of Florida. They had even booked a room before we were supposed to head out to the bar and drink, and asked if I wanted to join them. 

If you have never done one before, the basic premise of an escape room is to solve various puzzles, solve clues, and accomplish tasks in one or more rooms in order to achieve a larger goal. That can range from finding a particular item to finishing a list of challenges to simply getting out of the room. These rooms can be designed to resemble anything from a generic horror setting to all kinds of environments like a pirate ship, jungle, castle. or even an ice cream shop. Some rooms have specific player limits, while others can be solved by a wide range of parties, although generally the sweet spot for any team is 2-4 people (you’re still doing work and contributing without too many cooks being in the kitchen). You generally have about 60 minutes (though some go as short as 45 and as long as 75) to finish the room, during which time you also have the option of receiving hints in order to progress.

Now, given that I love puzzles and video games, it may surprise you that I had never before attempted an escape room (essentially the real-life version of “escape-the-room” style video games). To be honest I was initially intrigued when they first began to get really popular (like 6-8 years ago), but they all just seemed like they had the same premise (get out of the room) and if you’d played one you’d played them all. Plus, everyone who was talking about them gave off a hipster vibe and I wasn’t about that. What I didn’t know was that, in the following years that the initial wave had died down, those who were serious had gotten much better and had much more financial backing, with even people who worked on set design for movies and TV shows getting involved. This uptick in quality hadn’t gone unnoticed by Kyle and Alli, who had gotten more and more into the challenge. When they approached me about doing one they had found in Orlando, that was actually the first time anyone had asked me to do an escape room with them. I don’t know what I would’ve said had I been asked years earlier, but I’d like to think I would’ve answered yes. As for Kyle and Alli’s question, well, this section of the newsletter wouldn’t exist if I had told them to fuck off and meet me at the bar instead.

After a drive through the rainy yet somehow still sweaty weather, we arrived at the escape room site. I didn’t know exactly what to expect, but Kyle and Alli reassured me that they were pros and would guide me through everything (Alli even told the guy at the desk that she had literally done hundreds of escape rooms before). So as a noob I was in good hands, although I didn’t want to let them down and force them to carry me the whole time. As our guide led us into the room and locked the door, we were informed of the scenario. We were three pledges going through our initiation process to get into the coolest fraternity on campus. We were tasked with breaking into the dean’s office and stealing his prized golden eagle statue. However, we had somehow tripped the security and the police would be there in an hour, so we had to get in and out before then. Just like that, the timer began, and so did my journey into escape rooms. 

Kyle and Alli immediately got to work, analyzing what kind of locks, puzzles, and aspects of the room we would have to interact with, then dividing and conquering. I tried to contribute as best I could, shaking off a slow start and getting into the groove of things eventually. As we worked our way into the administration building, then the dean’s office, I began to appreciate the intricacies of the puzzles and how cleverly some of the clues were hidden — it was a damn good challenge! In the end, we were able to find the eagle statue and get out of dodge in about 35 minutes (the limit was 60). With the guide complementing us on our problem-solving skills, Kyle and Alli assuring me I had done well for my first room, and the dopamine overflowing the part of my brain that loves puzzles, I wanted more. 

Fortunately, given that we had finished quickly and there was another room available, we were able to do just that. This time, the three of us were a group of kids who had to go to our grandmother’s house, replace all of the fall decorations with Christmas ones, and get all the holiday-themed items (including dinner) arranged or else we wouldn’t get presents. After some more dividing and conquering, we had done everything on the list and our guide came to congratulate us. While it felt like the same amount of time had gone by, it turned out we had finished in just 23 minutes and placed on the all-time Top 10 leaderboard for that room. So not only were our names going up on a list, but we had managed to finish two different rooms in the normal time allotted to complete just one. Either I was much better at this than I thought or Kyle and Alli were fucking incredible at escape rooms (definitely more so the latter than the former). Regardless, I was thrilled and happy to have gone 2/2.

That happiness would be eradicated by not only Republic FC’s heartbreaking loss, but the fact that tentative plans to go to EPCOT the following day were ruined by my phone having a fucking aneurysm. However, Kyle and Alli had a back-up plan: more escape rooms. Plus, I had evidently not been a failure the day before and was invited again! All told, we took on four more escape rooms that day. In order, we had to complete a series of challenges in order to inherit the deed to a video store, dive into the world of The Office and re-assemble a break room birthday party that had been pranked by the Scranton Strangler (that one had a 45-minute time limit), break out of the brig on a pirate ship and find buried treasure while fending off an attack from another crew (time limit of 75 minutes), and steal an ancient relic from a warehouse while trying to break an evil curse. Not only did we finish all of them in time, but did so with flying colors. We even got done with the pirate one in just over 55 minutes without any hints (it would’ve been under 50 had I not been stupid and discovered a key hiding in plain sight much earlier). Plus, we were told that we had placed in the Top 3 all-time for the Office-themed one, only to receive a call after we had left and be informed that actually, we had broken the room record. Yeah, we’re fucking good.

Unfortunately, that was the end of our escape room adventures in Florida. Kyle and Alli would have another adventure in just getting back to Northern California, while I headed further south to Miami to sweat some more and buy Emilio a sun hat and slightly used towel. Also unfortunately, I have yet to attempt another escape room since getting back to Sacramento myself. This is largely because I had to heal my wallet after my East Coast adventures of 2022 (escape rooms cost around $25-$30 apiece). But I also wanted to save this particular experience for the right time in the newsletter. Given the great link between Halloween and escape rooms, it’s finally time. I want — no, I need — to get back in the ring and add to my collection of accomplished escape rooms. So here I make the call to everyone in the league. Let’s do an escape room night soon. If you have never done an escape room before, please take my lengthy writing as an equally long endorsement of how fun these can be. Of course, some rooms are better than others and some can be outright bad (fortunately, I enjoyed every single room I did in Florida). But generally you won’t be disappointed. Plus, it’s at the very least a fun experience and we can take the piss out of each other as we try to appear smart. 

Now, the question must be asked, what would be my dream team for an escape room, if I could only choose between members of the Epic League. Given that the ideal team consists of four people max and I would take up a spot, that leaves three more to fill. After careful consideration, I’ve narrowed you down to the following three.

Kyle: He’s the absolute lock to join the team. While Alli was definitely the MVP in Florida, Kyle’s own lengthy experience with escape rooms will be invaluable to guide two potential noobs.

Ewing: Though he’s a dumbass, Ewing is also kind of smart, with the whole medical thing (I admitted as much in my wedding speech). Plus, we’ve proven to work well as a team.

Alli: I thought about it and the rest of you are morons (even Ewing barely made the cut), so I’m calling an audible and bringing back Alli as a special guest to round out and carry the team.

Anyone want to prove me wrong? Let’s pick a date for an Epic League escape room night. Maybe you’ll be better at escaping rooms than escaping losses.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness