Ruben's Writings

Football is back, motherfuckers!

The final sign of the NFL’s return is here at last — the first newsletter of the season has been released. With both real and fantasy football being played today, anticipation is high for pretty much everyone whose real team doesn’t have a star player calling out the head coach and GM on social media and whose fantasy team isn’t missing its first two draft picks. Couldn’t be me…

It was certainly an eventful off-season, both in and out of the league. Let’s start with the newest member of the league: Aly! After an off-season full of shit-talking and an… eventful draft (we’ll get to that in a minute), Aly will officially be etched in league history when her team takes part in Week 1. Meanwhile, that off-season included a European vacation with her trophy husband and his trophy. Ewing (who looks to defend the championship I should have won) and Aly went off on their well-deserved honeymoon, traveling to Denmark, Italy, and Croatia while somehow avoiding any alcohol consumption at all! 

That wasn’t the only marriage-related adventure someone in our league began during the off-season. Nick officially joined Ewing, Emilio, and Arik in the married category by marrying the lovely Danelle, with the newlyweds on their own trip to (in their case tropical) paradise. By comparison, all Emilio did was, you know, become a father! Emilio and his wife, Bailey, now have a beautiful little girl named Mila and a new home in Roseville, where I will be visiting tomorrow to collect his dues for the year (Richard and Riaz, give me your fucking money already).

I’m not sure if any of that puts pressure on Kyle, but at least he finally got to see his true love (Arsenal) twice. First was a batshit crazy friendly against Barcelona at SoFi Stadium, followed up by a long-awaited trip to Emirates Stadium and a 2-1 win in the season opener against Nottingham Forest. That was part of a larger trip through England and Scotland with Alli and family. Somehow, that wasn’t the craziest trip he went on. That came when Kyle went to Kyle, Texas for the Kyle Festival, an attempt to break the world record for most people with the same name (in this case, Kyle) in one place. 

As for the rest of the league, Jimmy began taking advantage of he and Elise’s new home near Land Park by hitting the links, yet somehow not improving his golf game. Riaz probably spent a decent amount of time training to defend his Double Bogey Open title, while Arik continued to attend every local concert and game imaginable while creating even more space between us in the race to 30 MLB stadiums. Chriss managed to not fall on his face while substituting for Jimmy’s softball team (which is harder that it looks), while Richard pretty much just drank beer and watched Sacramento Republic FC matches (which to be fair sounds like the good life). 

What about me, I hear no one ask? Well, celebrated my ten-year anniversary at FOX40 (which somehow made me feel older than turning 31), met one of my favorite content creators in NFL YouTuber and noted Green Bay Packers fan Tom Grossi (you can briefly see the back of my head in this video), and added another state to my list in Arizona. Technically, I had been to Arizona as an infant, though obviously I don’t remember any of it and thus don’t count it. But apparently I was held by then-collegiate LB Tedy Bruschi at one point. Anyway, while in Phoenix, I crossed Ball Park No. 19 off the list, requiring a review.

CHASE FIELD: While there’s nothing to set the home of the Diamondbacks ahead of the pack, there’s little that actively brings it down. Although there are areas where Chase Field is already showing its age, it has many good qualities. It’s big and pretty (like how I like my women), there are few bad views, the food is awesome, and it even has its own little district outside, near the Footprint Center. Overall, it’s an extremely solid (if not spectacular) place to catch a game. 

Oh yeah, and I went to New Zealand and Australia.

That trip was, to put it mildly, fucking awesome. It’s been something I’ve been planning for five years and it lived up to the hype. I stayed in Auckland while in New Zealand and had a lovely time. Everyone I met was nice, the food was fantastic, the weather (while a little rainy during the winter) was nothing to complain about, and the overall vibe seemed safe and fun. I also discovered an ice cream flavor called hokey pokey (vanilla mixed with honeycomb) that is goddamn delightful. I can see myself living in New Zealand some day. I even preferred it to Australia, which isn’t an insult to the land Down Under. Sydney was a fantastic place to visit, full of pretty much everything you’d want to do on vacation. Seeing the Sydney Opera House in person was absolutely surreal and it was a fun time overall. I also visited my family in Byron Bay, which marks the most geographically eastern point in Australia and is a stunningly beautiful (and quite affluent) beach town. I finally made it to continent No. 5 — two more to go!

Of course, one part of the trip that made it unique was that I wasn’t alone. Gabby finally ventured overseas for the first time and joined me in the South Pacific. The 2023 Women’s World Cup was in town and we got to watch the USWNT face Portugal in a game that totally didn’t give us a heart attack or anything. We also somehow stumbled upon the USWNT’s bus ahead of the game that day and later on got Gabby a picture with U.S. soccer icon Carli Lloyd, who was an analyst for Fox Sports’ World Cup coverage. We also went to an AFL and NRL game, because of course we did. The one thing I didn’t get to do that I really wanted to do was go to Hobbiton (Gabby wanted nothing to do with it). So at least I have an excuse to return.

However, there was one teeny, tiny, small thing that went wrong during the trip. Turns out, I returned with one more “present” than I knew about. While in Australia, I developed a small but annoying pain in my abdomen that was impacting my ability to use the restroom. Nothing serious happened and I figured I’d make a doctor’s appointment after I got home from work the day after I got back home. Then, while at work, the pain returned, becoming so unbearable I had to leave for Urgent Care and then the ER, where I spent the next seven hours. During that time, I found out that I had developed a kidney stone that (as of this writing) I still have yet to pass. So I’ve got that going for me. That’s also part of the inspiration for my team name this season (the other half is a brewery I went two in Byron Bay). 

So while I had a phenomenal time overseas, I’m not feeling 100% right now, hence the title of the newsletter. But that in itself is a pun — “blue” is an Australian slang term for “fight,” meaning that I’m feeling up for a fight because it’s fantasy football season! Look, I know it’s not the best joke ever, even by my standards. Just let me and my stone have this.

Now, you might think that this trip to Australia (and New Zealand) gives me the perfect inspiration for a theme for his newsletter. You’d be correct. So, in honor of the land down under and its women’s soccer team (which finished a best ever fourth in the World Cup), let’s begin our own fight for a championship in style.

(cue theme music)

DRAFT RECAP

HEATH LEDGER “WATCH THE WORLD BURN” AWARD

When he found out he had the No. 1 overall pick, Ewing must’ve gone through several strategies in his head. To the surprise of many, he went with Pat Mahomes, marking the rarity of a QB being the first off the board. Although the rest of the draft for Three Eyed Ravens was solid if not unspectacular — filled with the likes of Deebo Samuel, Najee Harris, James Conner, Gabe Davis, and Mark Andrews — the story of Ewing’s season will forever be tied to that first choice. Why did he do it? Who knows? Maybe Ewing just wanted to watch the world burn. Those words were most famously spoken in reference to the Joker, played by late Australian actor Heath Ledger. But in order to make a true statement, Ewing — much like the Joker — couldn’t do it alone.

MARGOT ROBBIE “I’M THE ONE YOU SHOULD BE SCARED OF” AWARD

Like the Joker needs Harley Quinn, Ewing needs Aly to bring chaos to the league. Chaos was certainly brought, who followed up the Mahomes pick by making Josh Allen the second player chosen. But that was only the beginning — Joe Mixon and Tee Higgins (both on the Bengals) were next and Isiah Pacheco was stolen right from under Ewing’s nose. But the ultimate moment was the Queen’s Gambit’s shocking selection of Justin Tucker in the 4th round, which made all of us in attendance lose our collective minds. But while that moment will be remembered forever in league history, it shouldn’t mean that we should take Aly’s squad lightly. Like Quinn (played by Australian actress Margot Robbie) once said, “I’m the one you should be scared of.”

GRAYSON WALLER “STIRRING THE POT” AWARD

With Gee gone, the Epic League is lacking a heel that everyone can target. Richard appears ready to pick up that title like he picks up tickets to Sacramento Republic FC matches. He also appears to be taking inspiration from Grayson Waller, Australian heel wrestler for WWE who hosts a talk show that serves as an excuse for him to stir the pot. Richard doesn’t have a show, but he does have a phone, which he uses to send antagonistic, often incoherent messages to the group chat. As for the Krispy Kritters themselves, Richard leaned into the passing game, spending three of his first four picks on WRs (Justin Jefferson, Davante Adams, Brandon Aiyuk) and the other selection on Lamar Jackson. Looks like his shit-talking may not give him the runs.

IAN GOODENOUGH “MOORE” AWARD

The new king of the name change, Kyle has transformed his squad from Team TBD to It Means Moore, in honor of draft picks Skyy Moore and Elijah Moore. With more Moores than anyone else in the league, Kyle puts a big pun target on his back, one that I won’t miss. Turns out, there’s a region in Western Australia called Moore, whose representative for Parliament is a man named Ian Goodenough. After stacking his lineup with skill position players — Ja’Marr Chase, Garrett Wilson, J.K. Dobbins, Calvin Ridley) — Kyle had to settle for “good enough” when it came to QB, choosing Anthony Richardson and… Deshaun Watson. Goddamn it, Kyle. You know, I could’ve centered the award/joke on an Australian sexual assaulter, but fortunately I’m above that.

JARRYD HAYNE “FUCKING UP A GOOD THING” AWARD

In 2014, star Australian rugby league player Jarryd Hayne announced he would be trying out for the NFL, later signing with the 49ers. Today, after being cut by San Francisco in 2015, trading his fizzled out NFL career for a underwhelming rugby return, and then being found guilty of raping a woman in her home, Hayne sits in prison. That is quite a fall from grace, with Hayne fucking up an incredibly good situation he had and never recovering. The last part of the sentence is how I can best describe Chriss’ draft. After lucking into Christian McCaffrey at No. 5, the rest of Well Damn’s roster was filled out with players with question marks like Dalvin Cook, Rhamondre Stevenson, Mike Evans, and Geno Smith. Maybe it’s a thing with San Francisco RBs…

WAYNE BENNETT “LET’S GO DOLPHINS” AWARD

This National Rugby League season is the first in 16 years to feature a new franchise. As an expansion club, the Dolphins (that’s it — that’s their full name) made some big moves to build quickly. That included hiring legendary Australian coach Wayne Bennett to lead the Dolphins to a respectable first-year finish of 13th out of 17 teams. While Jimmy hopes Hog Wild does better than that in our league, he, like Bennett, hopes the Dolphins do really well. That’s because at least three of Jimmy’s starters — Tua Tagovailoa, Tyreek Hill, and Miami’s defense — are Dolphins themselves. I’d expect this kind of behavior from Emilio (a Dolphins fan), not Jimmy (a Raiders fan). But at least Jimmy filled out the latter requirement with Hunter Renfrow and Divine Deablo.

STEVE IRWIN “RISKY DECISION MIGHT KILL ME” AWARD

If the Jarryd Hayne stuff didn’t secure my place in hell, this will. Australian icon Steve Irwin was one of the most beloved human beings of all-time, with the zookeeper/environmentalist tragically being killed by a stingray in 2006. Although Irwin was an animal expert and knew what he was doing, there was always an inherent risk within his line of work. So what the hell does this have to do with Kidney Stone & Wood? Well, let’s just say I took some big risks in the draft. The big one, of course, is Jonathan Taylor, who despite being one of the NFL’s best RBs has an uncertain immediate future and will miss at least the first four games. Meanwhile, Cooper Kupp is nursing a hamstring injury. Those were my first two picks. I may have dug myself into a deep hole early.

RUPERT MURDOCH “BAD NEWS” AWARD

To say Rupert Murdoch is a controversial figure is to say kidney stones are painful. The Australian-born media mogul is the owner of News Corp (which publishes The Sun, New York Post, and Daily Telegraph, to name a few) and Fox News. Through these outlets, Murdoch has distributed shitty, controversial, and often fake tabloid news to millions of people. “Bad news” might be the theme of Arik’s season, as Channel 4 News Team may be of worse quality than Ron Burgundy’s actual news team. For one, Arik drafted three members of the Saints (Chris Olave, Alvin Kamara, Derek Carr). New Orleans isn’t exactly the team I’d go all-in on right now. Arik had also better hope Trevor Lawrence and Christian Kirk don’t regress amid their harder schedule.

ANTHONY ALBANESE “POLITICAL” AWARD

Dad cannot drink iced tea without a gallon of sugar, stop telling stories from before the rest of the league was born, and prevent further hair loss. He also can’t stop talking about politics, changing his team name to PO1135809, former President Trump’s inmate number. This comes after the Sleeping Giants (a social media activism organization). Anthony Albanese (Australia’s current Prime Minister and fellow progressive) is the perfect analogy for Dad’s team, at least the name. As for the roster itself, voters remain undecided. There are both upsides and plenty of questions surrounding Tony Pollard and Josh Jacobs, while George Kittle remains as volatile as ever and Amon-Ra St. Brown’s squad is being predicted to do well (you know how that usually goes).

DANIEL RICCIARDO “SHOEY” AWARD

Honestly, this selection came about just because Nick likes Formula 1 and Daniel Ricciardo, the most popular Australian driver currently employed. Ricciardo is silly — he’s (at least whenever the camera’s on) a goofball and incredibly entertaining personality. He’s best known for his “shoey” celebration that he breaks out whenever he gets on the podium, in which he pours champagne into his shoe and then drinks it. I guess there’s more of a connection between him and Nick’s squad than that — C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party (I can’t believe you’re going to make me write that all season) is a silly name. Relying on multiple members of the Giants (Saquon Barkley and Daniel Jones) and Broncos (Jerry Jeudy and Javonte Williams) also seems pretty silly.

HUGH JACKMAN “LONGEVITY IN ONE ROLE” AWARD

Bet you were wondering when this was coming, huh? Don’t worry, the other Australian superhero is next. Anyway, Hugh Jackman is an iconic, accomplished, highly successful actor best known for his role as Wolverine in the X-Men film series. When you think of Wolverine, you think of Jackman. You’d think that kind of longevity has no place in the chaotic and ever-changing world of fantasy football. That is, until you look at Riaz. With all of the name changes in recent years, unless I’m mistaken Footballdamus is now the longest-lasting current name in our league. Riaz also has longevity in fielding middle-of-the-road teams. Maybe this year — with the likes of Travis Kelce, Derrick Henry, DeVonta Smith, Keenan Allen, and Justin Herbert — that will end as well.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH “ROLLING THUNDER” AWARD

By all accounts, Chris Hemsworth is a great actor with some solid chops and ability to play diverse roles. But no matter what he does, the Australian will always be known as Thor, God of Thunder in the Marvel movies. When Thor uses his powers, he just rolls over people. That’s what Emilio is hoping to do this season, investing early and often in the ground game. Already Invested $$ spent three of its first five picks on RBs (Austin Ekeler, Bijan Robinson, Cam Akers) and one of those other two picks on Jalen Hurts, whose value lies more in his legs. That’s a powerful run game, but does it make the rest of the roster too weak in the air attack? Fun fact: my Australian cousins know Hemsworth and my youngest cousin is on Hemsworth’s sons’ soccer team.

Of course, all of this analysis and draft projections (especially those by Yahoo!) mean nothing. Anything can happen in sports and these kinds of reviews are likely going to be pointless. But this year, one part of Yahoo!’s draft projections are worth viewing. Yahoo! got ChatGPT to write those recaps and A.I. used one of my favorite things: puns, based on team names. These recaps drew at least a chuckle out of me and at best a genuine laugh. Here are some of my favorites.

“The [Three Eyed] Ravens are poised to leave their opponents squawking in defeat.”

“With their financial prowess and shrewd drafting, [Already Invested $$] is ready to show the league that money can indeed buy fantasy football success.”

“The Queen’s Gambit team made their move in the draft and left their opponents in checkmate.”

“Kidney Stone & Wood has the potential to achieve a solid record of 10-4-0 and make a splash in the playoffs. Just be careful not to get too close, or you might feel a twinge of discomfort.” (side note: fuck you, ChatGPT)

“Clearly, Hog Wild knows how to find hidden gems in the pigsty. However, not all their picks were as squeal-worthy.”

“It seems that Dixie Normous is destined to be the epitome of average in this league.”

“It seems like [Channel 4 News Team] might be better suited for reporting on fantasy football rather than playing it.”

“Well Damn, the team with a name that perfectly captures the sentiment of their draft grade.”

Anyway, here are Yahoo!’s projected standings (as of this writing).

Kyle and I were projected to finish out of the playoffs last year, yet each finished on the podium. Can we do it again this year? I don’t want to win the goddamn Jop, please…

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

While tonight’s season opener is at Arrowhead Stadium, Super Bowl LVIII will be held in Las Vegas. Given that two of the past three NFL champions have won the big game in their home venue, you’d think I’d be excited about the Raiders’ chances to make it three out of four. You’d be wrong. Instead, I’m terrified. I want to enjoy watching the Super Bowl, especially one held in my favorite team’s stadium. Hell, I even want to go to the Super Bowl experience the week before the game (group trip, anyone?). However, I fear that not only will my favorite team not be there, but one of my least favorites (one that plays tonight) will show up instead. 

I would trade the Raiders going 1-16 for Kansas City to not make another fucking Super Bowl. Few things would make me more upset than seeing a Chiefs logo in the endzone at Allegiant Stadium. But not only am I afraid that it’s going to happen, it’s likely to happen. They’ll probably win as well, going one title better than the Raiders in the process. So how can this nightmare be stopped? Much like I do during the playoffs, I’m probably going to root vicariously against the Chiefs through other teams, namely the Buffalo Bills and Cincinnati Bengals. However, if you’re confident in both teams’ ability not to fuck up in the playoffs (and for Kansas City’s bullshit luck/refball not to bail them out time and time again), then I have a bridge to sell you. Maybe the likes of the New York Jets, Miami Dolphins, Jacksonville Jaguars, and Baltimore Ravens can slow them down in the playoffs. When it comes to the AFC West, I have no faith in the Los Angeles Chargers or Denver Broncos. But what about the team hosting the Super Bowl?

Well, in order to have a chance of denting the Chiefs’ chances enough for them to go down before the big game, a lot of things have to go right for the Raiders. The first step is a win this weekend, which judging by how things are progressing will not be easy. Playing in Denver is never a fun or predictable task and the Broncos appear to be at least run by a competent coach this time. While I would love nothing more than to slap the smirk off Sean Payton’s face in his first game in charge, I can see things going just as badly for Jimmy Garoppolo as they did the last time he played in Denver.

Garoppolo is ultimately going to be the big factor in how good the Raiders can be this year. My opinion really hasn’t changed since the draft newsletter, which (given that the preseason doesn’t matter) isn’t surprising. The only thing I have an opinion on is Jimmy G’s visor, which just looks weird. What made Garoppolo successful in San Francisco was having a strong enough team around him to allow him to just avoid making mistakes (the 49ers’ excellent running game didn’t hurt, either). Unless Josh Jacobs (thank fucking all that is holy he returned, albeit for just a year) can equate to that level of production (and to be fair he led the league in rushing last year), Garoppolo will have to step up. He does have Davante Adams, though Garoppolo has never been the best deep ball thrower (though he’s never had a weapon like Adams). Not having a reliable TE (at least until Michael Mayer is ready) takes away one of Jimmy’s safety blankets, though Hunter Renfrow can fill that void nicely. 

Of course, any offensive success will rely on two other factors to be even relevant to the team’s success. The first, naturally, is defense. Maxx Crosby is amazing and Divine Deablo took a big step last season. But pretty much everyone else (especially Chandler Jones [that was written before this happened for fuck’s sake can we just fucking not please]) needs to step up. Tyree Wilson should (at least on paper) be a big piece, though these kinds of draft picks always carry a risk, especially when they’re selected by the Raiders. It won’t matter how many points the offense can put up if the defense can’t stop a nosebleed. Then we have the biggest factor of them all: Josh McDaniels, who could be given the reins to the 1972 Dolphins and barely finish over .500. Until he proves me otherwise, McDaniels will be a liability and I can’t get excited about the Raiders’ prospects until he either changes or gets the fuck out.

So when I look at this team as a whole, I have no fucking clue what to expect. Jacobs and Adams are amazing and Garoppolo is at least serviceable when healthy. On the other hand, McDaniels is still in charge. At best I can see the Raiders doing a less tragic version of 2021, somehow stumbling through wins until a 10-7 finish leads to a 6-seed or 7-seed and a Wild Card Round loss against the Bills or Bengals (where Las Vegas looks competent until midway through the 3rd quarter, when the hosts pull away). At worst the Silver & Black go like 4-13 but somehow miss out on Caleb Williams (while Carr leads the New Orleans Saints to the Super Bowl because of fucking course he will). 

But even if that last bit happens, it doesn’t matter — the Raiders have their QB of the future. Aidan “AOC” “Future MVP” “Rod Farva” O’Connell is the fucking truth and is the real No. 4 that will lead the Silver & Black back to their dynastic ways. Please… let me have this.

STAT OF THE MONTH

For the record, that comes out to over $100K per snap. Who would’ve known that the Jimmy G-Trey Lance debate would’ve ended with both traded away from San Francisco?

Although injuries are just an unfortunate bit of bad luck, the overall return on investment for the 49ers’ gamble on Trey Lance is historically awful. Put it this way, although JaWalrus Russell is the biggest (both metaphorically and literally) draft bust of all time, he had five times as many passing yards and nearly four times as many TDs for the Raiders as Lance did for San Francisco. Plus, Lance was taken just two spots below where Russell was selected and Oakland didn’t trade three 1st round picks to get him. Then we have the fact that Justin Fields and Mac Jones (whose prospects are at this point much higher than Lance’s) were still on the board. To make things worse, the Dolphins (who traded the Lance pick to the 49ers) used those picks in trades that would net them Jaylen Waddle, Tyreek Hill, and Bradley Chubb. Even if things don’t work out for Lance in Dallas (and because of a certain someone I really hope the Cowboys don’t succeed with him), the 49ers will forever hold the L for making one of the least valuable draft selections in NFL history. Now, San Francisco is banking on a second-year 7th round QB with less than a season of on-field experience who’s coming off a major injury to not be utterly fucked (and that’s before getting into the Nick Bosa situation.

I also find it incredibly ironic that Brock Purdy was taken with the 262nd (and final) pick in the 2022 NFL Draft, while Lance played in exactly 262 regular season snaps in San Francisco. That is some damn incredible symmetry.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 7, 1986, a brand new piece of technology was used for the first time, during an exciting battle between Super Bowl contenders. You might be surprised to learn that those contenders were the Chicago Bears and Cleveland Browns, at least until you remember the year. The Bears entered the 1986 NFL campaign as the defending champions, having put together one of the greatest seasons in football history the year before thanks to their legendary defense. While that defense appeared to be ready to wreck the NFL again, questions surrounded the offense, especially when QB Jim McMahon showed up to training camp 25 pounds overweight thanks to some championship celebrations. Chicago’s first opponent of 1986 was Cleveland, which was dealing with a different kind of cloud hovering over its off-season. Don Rogers — a 23-year-old DB who went to the now-defunct Notre Del Rio HS here in Sacramento — died of a heart attack caused by cocaine overdose, the day before his wedding and eight days after the death of NBA draft pick Len Bias (also by cocaine abuse). Still, the Browns had plenty of promise, considering they had won the AFC Central (despite finishing 8-8) behind rookie QB Bernie Kosar and two 1,000-yard RBs in Earnest Byner and Kevin Mack. In spite of their flaws, they were a young team that appeared ready to take that next step into true contender status.

The NFL itself was busy during the 1986 off-season. Among the changes approved by the owners was the implementation of instant replay, which had only been part of the games in the TV broadcast. A growing list of calls proven incorrect to the viewers watching at home had led to this change, though many were concerned that it would slow down the game. The original instant replay rules were also much different than they are today, with really no limits on what could be reviewed (though the focus would be on possession of the football) and no challenges in place. Instead, instant replay reviews were made solely at the discretion of the officials, with a replay official being seated in front of two TV monitors at each game. Though many wondered how long it would take for the new technology to be put into use, on just the third play from scrimmage, Jay Hilgenberg snapped the ball on the wrong count, with the ball zipping by McMahon and bouncing into the end zone. Al Gross scooped up the ball for the Browns and slid out of the end zone. Though the recovery seemed clear, the officials made the first call for a replay review in NFL history. Interestingly, the replay official for that game was Nick Skorich, a former Browns head coach who correctly confirmed the TD in favor of his old team. 

Apparently, that play woke something up within the Bears. Dennis Gentry returned the ensuing kickoff 91 yards to tie the game at 7-7. A short Walter Payton score gave Chicago the lead, which doubled to 21-7 thanks to a 58-yard pick-six by Wilber Marshall (all of this happening before the end of the 1st quarter). But the mighty Bears defense was pretty much absent from the rest of the game, as Cleveland fought back against the defending champs. A short run by James Mack cut the lead to three, though a Kevin Butler FG made the halftime score 24-14. Mack reduced the deficit to just three points with a 14-yard-run to start the 3rd quarter, though Payton answered with a TD reception from McMahon to make it 31-21. As both teams traded FGs going into the 4th quarter, each offense began having some problems. Chicago got the worst of things, as McMahon suffered a shoulder injury and was forced to lead the game. The Browns once again made it a one-score game thanks to a TD pass from Kosar to Brian Brennan. However, the champs proved their mettle, with a TD run from Matthew Suhey creating more space between the teams and the defense holding on to give the Bears a 41-31 victory.

Chicago’s win would be the first of many, with 1986 proving to be yet another dominant season. The Bears finished with a 14-2 record and the top seed in the NFC. However, McMahon was plagued by injuries throughout the year, culminating in a season-ending rotator cuff injury caused by the infamous Week 12 tackle by Charles Martin, one of the dirtiest plays in NFL history. Without McMahon (and with Doug Flutie controversially called in to start), Chicago’s reign ended in the Divisional round at the hands of Washington. As for Cleveland, the Week 1 loss was one of two in the first three weeks. However, the Browns then caught fire, finishing with a 12-4 record and the top seed in the AFC. After beating the New York Jets in the Divisional round (Cleveland’s first playoff win in 18 years), the Browns faced the Denver Broncos in the AFC championship game. Despite leading 20-13 late in the 4th quarter, the Browns suffered their first in a series of heartbreaking losses, with the Broncos tying the game thanks to “The Drive” and then winning in OT (though they would get smacked by the New York Giants in Super Bowl XXI). As for instant replay, it wasn’t perfect. Then-Giants GM George Young was against its implementation and in 1992 (just six years later) put together enough votes to get rid of instant replay altogether. But you can’t stop the future forever — instant replay was brought back for good in 1999, though there was one big change. Instead of the officials deciding whether or not to review a play, coaches were given the right to challenge a certain amount of calls each game. That change totally fixed everything and there have been no complaints or controversies surrounding instant replay in the NFL ever since. 

OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:

— 1986: Dan Marino becomes the fastest QB to throw for 100 TDs in NFL history (44 games — a record that stood until 2020), throwing three scores in a 50-28 loss to the San Diego Chargers

— 1986: Three years after he was drafted by Buffalo (and after two seasons in the USFL), Jim Kelly makes his Bills debut, throwing for three TDs in a 28-24 loss to the New York Jets

— 1963: The Pro Football Hall of Fame officially opens its doors to the public in Canton, OH, the very town where the NFL was formed as the American Professional Football Association in 1920

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 WORST CURRENT NFL OWNERS (POST-SNYDER)

This NFL season will be the first in just under a quarter-century without one of the biggest cancers in football history leeching off the league and ruining one of its proudest franchises. Just over a month ago, the NFL owners unanimously approved the sale of the Washington Commanders, with Dan Snyder handing over control of the team to an investment group led by Josh Harris. The news was met with near-universal acclaim (especially in D.C.), with the exception of Cowboys, Eagles, and Giants fans. 

Snyder took over the then-Washington Redskins in 1999, purchasing the franchise for $800M following the death of Jack Kent Cooke. In the 24 seasons under Snyder’s ownership, Washington made the playoffs just six times, recorded two postseason wins, made zero NFC Championship Game appearances, employed ten different head coaches, started 27 different QBs, and recorded a .427 winning percentage (27th in the NFL). Those horrific on-field statistics would be enough to make Snyder one of the worst owners in the league. Then there’s the current state of FedEx Field, which has fallen into a dilapidated state and provides arguably the worst gameday experience in the league (at a high ticket price, no less). The state of the team name has also been a source of controversy, with Snyder refusing to change the racist “Redskins” name for years, only giving way due to overwhelming pressure following the death of George Floyd. The team’s name was changed to the Washington Football Team, then their current name of the Washington Commanders, with Snyder pulling off rare back-to-back terrible, bland name changes. Finally, there are the many off-field, front office controversies involving Snyder, which at bare minimum paint him as an overbearing, incompetent, sexist, egomaniacal piece of shit who created a toxic workplace culture and engaged in a number of financial crimes and other illegal activity. This all made Snyder not just the worst and most hated owner in the NFL, but one of the worst owners in pro sports history. Even on his way out, the NFL handed Snyder a $60M fine. For all of this universal criticism, Snyder got paid $6B. Life must be fucking great for rich people.

When it comes to Washington’s new owner, it remains to be seen just how good (if even good at all) Harris will be. Harris’ group also owns the Philadelphia 76ers and New Jersey Devils. While both teams have their own issues, none of that centers on ownership and each team has made and won playoff series consistently. He seems to be pretty much an average owner. But when it comes to the Commanders he simply can’t be worse than Snyder. None of us (aside from Dad, obviously) are old enough to remember the pre-Snyder era in Washington. If you can believe it, Washington used to be one of the most respected franchises in sports, winning three Super Bowls in ten seasons from 1982-91. It may take more than a few years before Washington is finally back among the NFL’s elite, with names like Ron Rivera, Chase Young, and Sam Howell maybe or maybe not a part of that future. But for the first time since the 20th century, football fans in our nation’s capital finally have hope for the future.

But with Snyder now out of the elite club of those in charge of a football franchise, the throne of “Worst NFL owner” now sits vacant. There’s no longer a consensus pick for the worst of the bad, so let’s run through the candidates to decide who will assume the mantle of new worst owner in the NFL. Sadly, that title won’t go to Stan Kroenke, who (despite being on an all-time run with the Los Angeles Rams, Colorado Avalanche, Colorado Mammoth, and Denver Nuggets recently winning championships) is an absolute piece of shit human being.

One other name that won’t be on that list is “York.” Contrary to what some may realize, Jed York doesn’t actually own the team — his parents, John York and Denise DeBartolo-York, do. While they don’t really do anything to stir controversy, they get a mention here for letting Jed run the San Francisco 49ers. Although he seemingly has learned his lesson and the 49ers have become consistent, well-operated contenders (injuries aside, of course), Jed York’s horrific handling of the Jim Harbaugh situation (let’s not forget he compared replacing Harbaugh with Jim Tomsula to the Golden State Warriors replacing Mark Jackson with Steve Kerr) left a lasting bad taste in people’s mouths. Off the field, the Yorks’ team has seen several issues with players and controversies with the city of Santa Clara in recent years. So while San Francisco’s owners don’t make the list, it’ not because of the good they’ve done — it’s because of how incompetent their peers are in comparison. For example…

HONORABLE MENTION: DAVID TEPPER

Because he’s only five years into his tenure (which began after the controversial end to Jerry Richardson’s ownership), David Tepper gets a temporary pass from the Top 10. But he’s already done enough to merit conversation. The Carolina Panthers have been terrible under his reign (though that can be partially blamed on the previous regime), the Matt Rhule hiring was awful, and an abandoned practice facility project in South Carolina resulted in hurt feelings and legal woes. The third-richest NFL owner has also had a bad start with Charlotte FC in MLS.

HONORABLE MENTION: SHAHID KHAN

The Jacksonville Jaguars have been weird under Shahid Khan. They’ve employed two of the worst coaches ever (Gus Bradley and Urban Meyer) and been mostly terrible, only making the playoffs twice. But those two years, they’ve reached the AFC title game and made an all-time comeback. The team seemingly plays in London as much as it does in Florida, but Khan is making big investments in developing the EverBank Field area. The team’s popularity is still low, despite being featured on All Elite Wrestling. I honestly don’t know what to think about Khan.

HONORABLE MENTION: JIM IRSAY

Now, you may look at Lucas Oil Stadium and the Super Bowl XLI title and wonder why Jim Irsay is on this list. While I can’t argue with the first point, I suggest looking at the second point as the Colts only winning one title despite employing Peyton Manning for more than a decade (don’t forget Indianapolis also ruined Andrew Luck). There’s also the drug problem, which led to his mistress being found dead in a home Irsay bought with the Colts’ money. Irsay always seems to be involved in stupid controversies, like the recent Jonathan Taylor/Lolita the whale thing.

HONORABLE MENTION: SHEILA FORD HAMP

Most Detroit Lions fans blame the franchise’s historic ineptitude on ownership, and for good reason. However, since Sheila Ford Hamp took over from her mother, Martha Firestone Ford, in 2020, the team has begun an impressive turn-around both on the field (replacing Matt Patricia with Dan Capmbell and bringing in football advisers) and off it (mending fences with Calvin Johnson and increasing diversity in the franchise). Though I can’t blame the child for the sins of the parents, the jury on Ford Hamp is still out until this upward momentum can be sustained.

HONORABLE MENTION: JERRY JONES

Although most lists like this have Jerry Jones high up, I can’t in good conscience do the same. While Jones stirs up plenty of unnecessary drama off the field and has seen few playoff wins in recent memory (no Super Bowls in nearly 30 years), the Dallas Cowboys have been consistent (albeit, choking) postseason contenders and the construction of AT&T Stadium (as well as the surrounding area) has been nothing but a benefit for the franchise. Jones has been far from perfect, but he has (at least) ten contemporaries that make him look somewhat capable.

10. STEPHEN ROSS

Although many factors are to blame for the Miami Dolphins’ lack of success after Dan Marino retired, ownership bears the majority of that responsibility. Since Stephen Ross assumed full control in 2009 (right after Miami shocked the NFL by winning the AFC East on the back of the Wildcat offense), the Dolphins have been the definition of mediocre, finishing with a combined regular season record of 105-121. Ross’ tenure has seen no additional division titles or even playoff victories, with the Dolphins only making the playoffs three times. Ross’ reputation has taken more hits thanks to off-field trouble. There was the whole Brian Flores controversy, which saw Ross hit with accusations of purposely tanking and led to a racial discrimination lawsuit against the NFL. The NFL found Ross had tampered while trying to recruit Tom Brady and Sean Payton, leading to Miami losing a 1st round pick in this past draft. The only thing keeping Ross this low is that he was the only owner to vote against the Raiders’ relocation to Las Vegas.

9. TERRY & KIM PEGULA

Wait a minute — the Buffalo Bills are one of the best and most beloved teams in the NFL and they just got a new stadium approved. How can Terry & Kim Pegula be on this list? Well, Josh Allen is a hell of a lot more responsible for the first part of that statement than ownership. As for the stadium, despite being worth over $7B dollars, the Pegulas threatened to move the Bills out of Buffalo unless a largely publicly-funded plan was agreed to. Of the total $1.4B price tag, New York taxpayers will front some $600M (the largest taxpayer contribution ever to a NFL facility). That’s what happens when the most loyal fanbase in the NFL is extorted. Even with the Bills’ recent success with Allen, Buffalo doesn’t really have much to show for it. But sports fans in the city are already used to mediocrity under the Pegulas. They also own the Buffalo Sabres, who (along with the New York Jets) have the current longest postseason drought in major North American pro sports. They last made the playoffs in 2011 — the year the Pegulas bought them.

8. JANICE MCNAIR

The richest female sports owner in the U.S., Janice McNair became the principal owner of the Houston Texans following the death of her husband, Bob, in 2018. Though she largely does nothing besides represent the team at meetings, she gets a spot on this list for two reasons. First, she was technically co-owner when her late husband made his infamous “inmates running the prison” comment during the national anthem protests. Second, she lets her son, Cal, run the day-to-day operations of the Texans, which hasn’t exactly gone well. Under Cal McNair’s watch, the faithful Jack Easterby ran wild, several high-profile employees left the team, the Deshaun Watson controversy first sprouted, Bill O’Brien traded away DeAndre Hopkins for peanuts, and Houston has overall been arguably the worst team in the NFL (and not to mention under its third head coach in three seasons). Plus, Cal also once referred to COVID-19 as the “China virus” at a charity golf tournament. Nepotism can really fuck up a pro sports organization, huh?

7. MARK & CAROL DAVIS

Okay… this may be controversial to some members of this league. But it’s the elephant in the Las Vegas Raiders’ room that needs to be said. Since taking over the franchise after his father, Al, died in 2011, Mark Davis (Carol is really only an owner in name) has been one of the worst owners in the NFL. On the field, Davis appears to be stuck in the 2000’s, with names like Jon Gruden and Josh McDaniels having the Raiders in contention to win Super Bowl XL. Only twice during his tenure have the Raiders made the playoffs (zero wins), with the team leading the NFL in terrible draft picks and bad personnel moves. Off the field, Davis tried and failed to move the Raiders to Los Angeles, only to be bailed out by a sweetheart offer from Las Vegas, one that cost the Silver and Black its identity and home field advantage. Then we have the whole hair and clothing thing, which… come on, man. The only redeeming qualities about Davis are his stances on issues like social justice and domestic violence, which are admirably progressive.

6. MICHAEL BIDWILL

If the late Bill Bidwill still owned the Arizona Cardinals, he would likely take the top spot on this list, given his lengthy tenure and the fact that the franchise is one of the most awful in all of pro sports. However, the Cardinals are now owned by Bidwill’s son, Michael, after Bill’s death in 2019. That being said, Michael Bidwill is doing his father proud by running the team into the ground. Let’s not forget, Bidwill joined as Vice President/General Counsel back in 1996 (and has handled most of day-to-day control since 2007), so he’s been in Arizona for a lot of bad decisions. Outside of football, shortly before he became owner, Bidwill used the Cardinals’ website and social media outlets to voice support for his longtime friend and Georgetown Prep classmate Brett Kavanaugh as a Supreme Court Justice nominee (he must love beer). Oh yeah — there have also been recent accusations that Bidwill used a burner phone to communicate with then-GM Steve Klein during a suspension and mistreated black and pregnant employees.

5. MIKE BROWN

Don’t let the Cincinnati Bengals’ recent success fool you — Joe Burrow and co. are doing this in spite of Mike Brown. Despite being the son of NFL legend Paul Brown, Mike Brown (who has owned the Bengals since 1991) is an apple that fell far from the tree. The first major move he made was to fire popular head coach Sam Wyche, replacing him with Dave Shula in one of the worst coaching decisions in NFL history. Brown later forced Hamilton County into a deal to build now-Paycor Stadium (with the agreement described as “the single most lopsided stadium deal since 1993”) in an effort to make the team more competitive; the Bengals won their first playoff game under Brown in 2022, the same year they finally got an indoor practice facility. Brown is also notoriously frugal (which has proven costly in free agency) and has made several awful draft decisions (Akili Smith, anyone?) and off-field moves (look up the “Carl Pickens Clause”). The worst thing? He soils the name of the second-greatest coach in Sacramento Kings history.

4. WOODY & CHRISTOPHER JOHNSON

For the first decade of Woody and Chrishopher Johnson’s ownership, the New York Jets were far from bad — they made six playoff appearances, including back-to-back AFC title games. But even then, that success came in spite of instability at the head coaching position. That instability is the Johnsons’ responsibility and it came back to bite them in the following decade. The Jets share the current longest playoff drought in North American pro sports and the dumpster fire the franchise has become is largely because of ownership. It’s unclear which Johnson is worse. While Woody has been by far the most outspoken and controversial public figure, Christopher has made some questionable decisions on his own. For the four years Woody gave up his stake in the Jets to be then-President Trump’s U.S. ambassador to the U.K. (during which time he was accused of making inappropriate comments to staff), Christopher became the sole figure in charge in New York, overseeing the hiring of Adam Gase and drafting of Zach Wilson (yikes).

3. JIMMY & DEE HASLAM

In 2012, Jimmy and Dee Haslam bought the Cleveland Browns, with fans predicting an end to the team’s long stretch of mediocrity. They were right, but not how they thought — the Browns got even worse. The Haslams’ tenure in Cleveland got off to a 44-94-1 start, which included an 0-16 season (after which they kept head coach Hue Jackson). But then the Browns finally broke through, reaching the playoffs (and winning a game). What happened next? They finished with a losing record, the QB who became the heart of the team (and played injured) was alienated by management and let go, and the Browns traded for and gave a record contract to a guy who would be suspended 11 games due to nearly two dozen allegations of sexual misconduct. Ironically, the Haslams are beloved in another part of Ohio. In 2018, they bought the Columbus Crew from Anthony Precourt, who wanted to move the club to Austin. The Crew won an MLS Cup in 2020 and got a brand new stadium the following year. If only the Browns were so lucky.

2. VIRGINIA HALAS MCCASKEY

Virginia Halas McCaskey, the oldest owner in all of North American pro sports and the eldest child of Chicago Bears founder George Halas, turned 100 this year. That was bad news for Bears fans — as callous as it sounds, many of them are waiting for her to die. Chicago’s lone Super Bowl title came less than two years into Halas McCaskey’s tenure and the team has made the playoffs only a handful of times since then. Part of that has been blamed on what’s been perceived as an unwillingness of Halas McCaskey to spend a lot of money to improve the team, while another part is blamed on the curious decisions (Marc Trestman, Mitch Trubisky, Kevin White, anyone?) made by Bears management under her leadership. Instead, that money goes to things like Halas Hall and dealing with the stadium situation (the country’s third-largest city has the smallest stadium in the NFL). If you’ve been even remotely following that saga, you can tell that’s not going well. So what’s going right under Halas McCaskey? Not much.

1. DEAN SPANOS

Over the course of their long history, the Los Angeles Chargers have failed to win a Super Bowl, often either getting in their own way or finding new, innovative ways to lose. A large part of that can be blamed on Dean Spanos. Although Spanos only became full owner in 2018, he ran daily operations of the Chargers from 1994-2015. During this time, Spanos oversaw a litany of bad roster and coaching decisions. After turning over operations to his sons, Spanos further pissed off Chargers fans by spurning the franchise’s longtime home of San Diego in favor of Los Angeles, signing off on a deal to be SoFi Stadium’s version of the Clippers. Even before the Chargers could move in, they had to play in the home of the Los Angeles Galaxy for three seasons, which was objectively hilarious. Spanos also faces legal action amid allegations of misogyny… by his own sister. Spanos makes me embarrassed to be a Pacific Tiger. The only reason has my approval is because his incompetence is fucking over a team I hate.

You know, for as awful as the people I’ve just described above are, I’m not sure who’s worse — them, or the people I’m about to talk about.

THE PAC-12 IS DEAD; LONG LIVE THE PAC-12

Nearly nine years ago, Jimmy, Ewing, Jop, Riaz, Chriss, and I did something most of us had never done before — went to a D1 college football game. It wasn’t just an ordinary game, either; it was the 117th edition of “the Big Game” between Cal at Stanford. The whole day in Berkeley was full of memorable moments. Because of the lack of space we had to pay $50 to park in the bottom of a church’s underground lot, where we played beer pong for two hours (and I made a behind-the-back shot). We watched the first half high up in the stands, but used some contacts to move into the Cal student section for the second half. That was bad news for Ewing, who was wearing a red shirt and (immediately upon stepping down into the first level) yelled at by the crowd to take it off, only to have it ripped from his grasp and flung into the mob, never to be seen again (I had to give him my undershirt to wear). After the game, we got sandwiches at a restaurant that had Mario Kart 64 available in the lobby. Half of us stayed behind for the night, while the other half piled into my old truck and drove back to town. The game itself (a 38-17 Stanford win) didn’t even really matter, with the good times with better friends (and of course the drinking) being more important. 

From there, we came up with a goal: attend a football game at every Pac-12 school. The following year, Jimmy, Ewing, Emilio, and I crossed UCLA off the list, pre-gaming on a golf course of all things before watching a thrilling 24-23 Bruins win over No. 19 BYU. Stanford should’ve also been crossed off the list for the group as well — tickets were bought for a game later that year, but one by one everyone else bitched out. I still took my Dad to the Stanford game (watching the No. 9 Cardinal top No. 6 Notre Dame 38-36 on a last-second FG) before we traveled to Cal, where a friend of his had offered us tickets to that night’s game against Arizona State. Getting there just before the 3rd quarter, we watched Jared Goff lead the Bears back from a 27-10 halftime deficit and win 48-46 on another last-second FG. Three schools down for me, two for the rest of the group.

But after that, the Pac-12 tour idea just sort of died. Given how we would have to travel out of state to see the other eight schools, I identified a game for USC during the 2017 season — a showdown with Texas (the first time the schools would meet since their epic national title clash). However, when I proposed the game to the group, I was met with a general response of, “meh.” I pushed everyone to get as many schools under our belt as we could while we were young, but one response I clearly remember from an unnamed member of this league went along the lines of, “Ruben, we have the rest of our lives to get it done.” So I dropped it and haven’t brought it up for years. What’s more, the rest of our lives followed — some of us got married or had a child or moved away or a combination of the three. Some of the group even crossed off Stanford, attending a 28-27 loss to Oregon State last year. Personally, although I have since been to more than half of all MLB ball-parks, several NFL stadiums, and double-digit countries, I have yet to go to another CFB game. I always hoped that someday we would finally get back to the Pac-12 tour and get the other nine schools off the list, before maybe moving onto other schools.

The thing with waiting for the rest of our lives to get something done is that we don’t know what will happen during that time. For example, I doubt any of us would’ve predicted that we would never complete the Pac-12 tour, because before the ten-year anniversary of that Cal-Stanford game that kicked it all off, the Pac-12 itself would no longer exist.

In case you haven’t been paying attention to college football in recent years, there’s been another round of realignment to forsake tradition and chase the almighty dollar. It started two years ago, when Oklahoma and Texas announced they were leaving the Big XII for the SEC. As many wondered aloud “what the fuck?” and tried to figure out what it all meant, many assumed the Big XII would die. Turns out, they had the wrong conference. After the Big XII expressed interest in the remaining eight schools merging with the Pac-12 (which had recently seen the departure of controversial commissioner Larry Scott), an exploratory committee was formed, only to be quickly killed by USC President Carol Folt, who objected to adding more teams to the conference. Shortly after, the Pac-12 announced a “scheduling alliance” with the Big 10 and ACC, hoping to counter the SEC. All of this would prove ironic the following year when, in a truly back-stabbing, money-grabbing, greedy management bullshit move, USC and UCLA agreed to join the Big Ten, leaving the Pac-12 without its two most prominent members.

But all was not lost for the conference. The Pac-12’s notoriously shitty media rights deal with Fox (which had given the conference plenty of unwanted problems and partially led to USC and UCLA’s departure) expired. ESPN gave the conference a lifeline, saying it was interested in partnering up (even without the SoCal schools) and offering the Pac-12 a deal worth about $30M per school. However, greed persisted, with the Pac-12 valuing such a deal at about $35M per school. Although that gap was negotiable, an unnamed Pac-12 president (rumored to be Arizona State’s Michael Crow) conducted his own research that led him to believe a deal should be worth $50M per school. ESPN obviously balked at that number and walked away, leaving the Pac-12 without a media rights deal (the only major conference without one). It was at this point that the remaining ten schools decided the Pac-12 was a sinking ship and began looking for a new home elsewhere.  

The first new domino to fall would be Colorado, which in July announced that it would be returning to the earlier-presumed dead Big XII (which had since added BYU, Cincinnati, Houston, and UCF). The Buffaloes wouldn’t be the only ones heading south — last month, Arizona, Arizona State, and Utah revealed they would join Colorado in the Big XII. That same day, Oregon and Washington announced they were joining USC and UCLA in the Big Ten. Just like that, the Pac-12 had gone from a shaky but fixable group of ten schools to an unstable total of just four. However, the Pac-12 still had an ace up its sleeve; two of them, in fact. Cal and Stanford may not be the football powers they once were, but they’re powerhouses in many other sports, becoming major pipelines for several U.S. national teams. As long as the Pac-12 had the Bay Area schools, they had a chance of survival. That chance went away less than a week ago, when Cal and Stanford (along with SMU) announced they were joining the ACC, which provided the Pac-12 with its “Eh tu, Brute?” moment (if Folt hadn’t done that already).

As it stands now, the only schools that are set to be in the Pac-12 beyond the middle of 2024 are Oregon State and Washington State. We may think of them as major schools, but that’s only within the context of the Pac-12. By themselves, they rank at the bottom of most major metrics among the rest of the pack. Oregon State and Washington State are Bottom 5 in terms of enrollment and Bottom 4 in terms of endowment, have the lowest amount of revenue, are the two lowest-ranked universities nationwide, and are the only schools that aren’t members of the Association of American Universities. On the field, they rank in the bottom half of varsity men’s and women’s sports offered, have the fewest national championships in team sports (and are the only two schools without a women’s team title), and are in the Bottom 3 when it comes to individual championships. They’re also the Pac-12’s lowest-ranked schools in the NACDA Learfield Directors’ Cup, which tracks overall success in college athletics (and is consistently fought for by the likes of Stanford, USC, and UCLA), and when it comes to the big money sport (football) are the only two Pac-12 schools to have a lifetime record below .500. In fact, the only positives they brought to the conference were their historic rivalries with Oregon and Washington, who in moving to the Big 10 decided those weren’t worth turning down the bag.

Basically, the Pac-12 will soon be left with two schools that on paper are a better fit for the Mountain West, which is where they might end up when all is said and one. There are pretty much two ways this all can end. Oregon State and Washington State could end up moving to the Mountain West, using their diminishing influence (as well as the underrated drawing power and market size of schools like San Diego State, San Jose State, Boise State, UNLV, and even Fresno State) to elevate the conference to “major” status (really stretching the edfinition in the process) and officially kill the Pac-12. They could also use the one thing the Pac-12 still has: its name (and history/brand recognition). Reaching a unique agreement with the Mountain West, those schools (as well as those in conference management positions) could be “elevated” to the Pac-12 and keep it alive, while earning “major” status. Right now it’s unclear what will happen, but no matter what, West Coast CFB (and sports in general) are about to change forever. 

Regardless of how this ends up, we’ll pretty much know what we’ll end up with. The Big Ten, whose members were exclusively based in the Midwest, will soon consist of 18 members and have regular conference games between schools in California and a school in New Jersey. Not to be outdone, the ACC (which has the word “Atlantic” in its name) will soon feature two schools from the Bay Area, which borders the Pacific Ocean. Meanwhile, the Big XII will soon have 16 members and basically control the entire geographic Southwestern part of the U.S. That is, except for the two biggest schools in the Southwest, who are set to join the SEC (which has the words “Southeastern” in its name). Although the blatant ignorance of geography, mathematics, and common sense is worthy of bitching about by itself, in doing those things officials behind these conferences are also ignoring the lengthy history and regional competition built up between the West Coast schools and instead leaving passionate, devoted West Coast college football fans to travel thousands of miles in order to attend an away game. They’re opting for the bigger money deals while making it more expensive to be a fan of their athletic programs.

Although we can rightfully blame those schools for chasing the bank (which as a whole barely touches on the overwhelming cost of college, but that’s a whole other kettle of fish), the Pac-12 itself isn’t exactly an innocent victim in what happened. That includes the setup, which began in 2009 and the hiring of Larry Scott to run the Pac-10. Trying to take advantage of the additions of Colorado and Utah so early in his tenure, Scott unveiled the Pac-12 Network, which overall showed a good product but had such a terrible and short-sighted business model that it fucked up the conference’s maximum revenue ability. While Scott made other terrible decisions, the other notable one was to move its headquarters to San Francisco, which cost its Pac-12 schools $92M in rent over 11 years (much higher than rent for the other “major” conference HQs). The COVID-19 Pandemic, of course, didn’t help, either. While this all negatively impacted the schools in general, it also took place during an overall downturn in quality among major revenue sports, coinciding with the introduction of the College Football Playoff and ESPN’s transformation of CFB into the gagillion-dollar, gagillion-commercial industry it is today. Although there were a few teams of genuine quality, only twice has a Pac-12 school made the Playoff (and none since 2017) and the conference is the only major one to not win a championship. Those numbers could have changed, but several close contenders have often fallen short due the Pac-12 famously cannibalizing itself late in the season and preventing an elite unbeaten or one-loss champion from emerging.

Of course, when it comes to cannibalism, no team can compete with school administrators. Ironically, Scott (at least his dismissal) was somewhat a factor in what’s happened over the past two years. Scott’s successor, George Kliakofff, was just weeks into his tenure when he had his legs taken out from underneath him when the Oklahoma & Texas news broke. Having to switch his strategy from soothing internal problems to having to build a war room and keep those now heightened problems from getting out of control, Kliakoff still managed to negotiate a potential framework to take on the remaining Big XII schools and expand the Pac-12. While the football side of things wouldn’t have largely improved (apart from Baylor, TCU, Oklahoma State, and maybe Kansas State), other sports the Pac-12 was weak in (like basketball, baseball, and wrestling) could’ve received a huge boost. Unfortunately, that was shut down by USC President Carol Folt, who said she had no idea why the conference would expand. Kliakoff could have been more forceful, but a combination of him being new and Folt representing the Pac-12’s most prominent schools prevented him from doing so. That would bite him in the ass when Folt and USC bailed with UCLA to the Big Ten. Then we have the failed media rights negotiations with ESPN, thanks to Arizona State President Michael Crow’s (alleged) study that incorrectly overvalued the Pac-12’s value and the other presidents’ stubbornness in sticking with it. Once again, Kliakoff could’ve been more forceful, but didn’t want to rock the boat. After that, it was everyone for themselves, with school officials “doing what they thought was best” for their skins.

To recap: a combination of bad decisions, bad luck, more bad decisions fueled by greed and stubbornness, deceit, passiveness, greed, and disregard for tradition has caused everything that West Coast college football fans have known and loved to change forever, with 2023 being the last, doomed stand for the Pac-12 in its current (or any, really) form.

Naturally, the 2023 football season (the last one with 12 members) could not have started better for the dying conference. Two schools (USC and Washington) are in the Top 10 and four more are in the Top 25. One of those other four, Colorado, is arguably the most-talked about team in CFB and is one of at least three Pac-12 schools with a serious Heisman contender (not to mention USC’s Caleb Williams is the defending Heisman winner and the consensus No. 1 overall pick in next year’s NFL draft, should he declare and not want to avoid the fucking dumpster fire that is the Arizona Cardinals). Oh yeah, and all 12 schools went unbeaten in the first week of the season, the first time the Pac-12 is undefeated after Week 1 since 1932.

But all of those memories and the ones that are set to be made this season, as well as the rest of the 60+year (or 100+ year, depending on who you ask) history of the Pac-12, will soon be dust in the wind. When we tell our children about our limited Pac-12 adventures, instead of asking about going to a Pac-12 game themselves, they’ll instead ask, “what’s the Pac-12?”.

Moreover, even if we all suddenly changed our minds and wanted to complete the Pac-12 tour after all, we’re too late. Unless we literally go to a different school every weekend for the rest of the season, the Pac-12 tour will officially die less than a decade after it began. To be clear, I’m not suggesting we do that. What I’m suggesting instead is a change of perspective. Instead of waiting to go on an adventure because we have the rest of our lives to do so, how about we go on that adventure now and spend the rest of our lives remembering how fucking awesome it was? After all, you never know what could happen…

2023 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $50

Dad: $50

Ewing: $50

Kyle: $50

Chriss: $50

Emilio: $50

Aly: $50

Nick: $50

Arik: $50

Jimmy: $50

Richard: 0

Riaz: 0

Give me my goddamn money, you twisted sandshoes. This is democracy manifest.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

KIDNEY STONE & WOOD VS. THREE EYED RAVENS

Let me get this straight… after having by far the best team last season but falling short due to one off week, I open the season against Ewing (who won the trophy last year), whose Three Eyed Ravens had the top overall pick in the draft. Meanwhile, Kidney Stone & Wood’s first two picks (Cooper Kupp and Jonathan Taylor) are likely out with a hamstring injury and having a fucking idiot as an owner, respectively. I would’ve killed Ewing in the Epic Bowl last year, but I’m starting off this year hoping I don’t win the Jop — I probably won’t be getting off to a good start.

QUEEN’S GAMBIT VS. PO1135809

The Dominguez-Ewing alliance is definitely off for Week 1. Aly officially becomes the first woman to take part in the Epic League when she faces off against Dad. The former’s bold selection of Josh Allen No. 2 overall will face its first test, although Queen’s Gambit will be relying on a pair of Bengals (Tee Higgins and Joe Mixon). Higgins in particular will be bad news for PO1135809, who needs as many points from Joe Burrow as possible. Let’s see if Josh Jacobs and Tony Pollard can run their way to plenty of points in case Higgins goes off.

IT MEANS MOORE VS. ALREADY INVESTED $$

After coming up just short last year (and taking a ring off my finger in the process), Kyle looks to finish the job this year. It Means Moore will need an IDP at some point (there’s none as of this writing) and Kyle’s putting a lot of faith on a guy who hasn’t played a full season of football since the pandemic (among other off-field issues). Meanwhile, Emilio is projected to absolutely go off this week, with Jalen Hurts looking for redemption himself. The running game (Austin Ekeler and Bijan Robinson, plus Hurts as well) will be key for Already Interested $$ in that regard.

HOG WILD VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS

It’s been a hot minute since either Jimmy or Richard did anything, and both are looking to get off on the right foot this weekend. On paper, the Krispy Kritters have the better lineup, with Justin Jefferson, Davante Adams, and Brandon Aiyuk forming a terrific WR corps. But while Lamar Jackson is a talent, there seems to be a curse put on him and borne by whoever has him on their team. Hog Wild is relying on its own cursed team: the Dolphins. Tua Tagovailoa, Tyreek Hill, and Miami’s defense have a tough task for them in Week 1 in the form of the Chargers.

C’MON CHARBIE LET’S GO PARTY VS. WELL DAMN

It’s 2023 and a Week 1 fantasy football matchup features Daniel Jones vs. Geno Smith. What a time to be alive. Both Nick and Chriss went RBs first then filled out with WRs, both taking a bit of a risk here. C’mon Charbie Let’s Go Party has Stefon Diggs, Walen Waggle, Saquon Barkley, and Mike Williams — all strong players who are also capable of putting up duds. While Well Damn has the more solid top option in Christian McCaffrey, they also have the bigger boom or bust players in CeeDee Lamb, Mike Evans, Rhamondre Stevenson, and of course Dalvin Cook.

CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS

After joining forces to dominate the Double Bogey Open last year, Arik and Riaz must now face each other. Fate can be cruel. Both Channel 4 News Team and Footballdamus are quite similar on paper. Both are led by young QBs (Trevor Lawrence and Justin Herbert) and powered by a strong RB corps (Nick Chubb/Kenneth Walker and Derrick Henry/Breece Hall). Both also feature a top tier TE (Darren Waller and Travis Kelce) and have a WR corps led by an Eagles player (A.J. Brown and DeVonta Smith). It’ll be a close call that could bounce either way.

ONE LAST THING

So… I made a thing. Here it is.

I’ve been doing these newsletters for quite a few years now. Don’t get me wrong — I’m not tired of them and genuinely enjoy expressing my love and writing and sports to an audience of any kind. That being said, I recently realized that I’ve tallied up dozens of these things and at the very least want to make sure they’re not lost to time. After all, given that every newsletter is about 10,000 words long (meaning the occasional two-parters are about 20,000 words combined), I’ve put a lot of effort into this project. 

Thus, RubensWritings.com was born! From now on, in addition to the emailed versions, I will also put each newsletter on that website for all to see and be preserved. The website will also serve as a backup in case you either can’t get into your email or the whole email delivery system goes away in the future. I will also gradually upload every newsletter in league history for perseverance. I’ll be able to change the date of each post to reflect the day each newsletter was originally sent out, so they can easily be sorted by date. In addition to newsletters, whenever I’m struck by inspiration to write something else, this website will serve as a place for my words to call home.

Speaking of, if you click the link, you may notice that there are a few posts already on the site — and they aren’t newsletters. I believe I’ve mentioned this in a previous newsletter or two and have at least mentioned it to some of you in person. On the day of Super Bowl LV, I came up with the idea for the World Cup of Hate: an in-depth, objective (or at least objective as possible) way to determine which is the best soccer rivalry in the world (and thus the best rivalry in all of sports). Well, more than two-and-a-half years later, I finally finished it. To say this took a bit of time and effort would be a fantastic understatement. Remember how each newsletter is around 10,000 words long? The combined total for the World Cup of Hate is just over 250,000. That’s 25 newsletters worth of content, or nearly a season and a half in a row (back when the newsletter came out weekly). For some more perspective, that quarter-million word count is longer than every Harry Potter book other than Order of the Phoenix, as well as Moby Dick, Dune, Jane Eyre, Great Expectations, The Shining, Little Women, and any of the Lord of the Rings books (it’s also more than 80% of the way to matching A Game of Thrones). To be clear, I’m not comparing what I did by listing the history of and comparing soccer rivalries to some of the most famous works of fiction ever made. I’m just saying I wrote a lot.

If you want to read the World Cup of Hate, start at the beginning here.

Now, in the spirit of this kind of hatred and to celebrate the long-awaited start of the NFL season… let’s get going.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness