Ruben's Writings

So as it turns out, it is possible to go to Morocco for several days and return home without becoming violently ill.

I’m back in the USA, baby! I’m still dealing with a pretty killer case of jet lag, but I’m officially on home soil once again. Even though I walked all over the Iberian peninsula, I probably gained about 20 pounds on the trip just due to the market in Barcelona alone. That not only lived up to the hype in my memories, but exceeded it. It was a smorgasbord of delicious, colorful, aromatic delicacies that I probably ate about a third of in total. Believe it or not, the thing that surprised me most was how amazing the candy (especially the chocolate) was. Given that today is Halloween, I figured I could focus on candy (given out to trick-or-treaters, of course) for that theme. I love it when conveniences add up to an actual plan.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

WELL DAMN (7-1) DEF. QUEEN’S GAMBIT (5-3)

108.88 – 97.42

In a surprisingly competitive weekend of football (with some exceptions, cough Ewing cough Nick), the Epic Bowl rematch proved to be one of the closest battles. Well Damn made a notable change at QB, going with Geno Smith over Dak Prescott. This backfired, with Smith not only performing worse than Prescott, but Tyler Lockett throwing up a goose egg. Not to mention Josh Allen (21 points) likely provided some PTSD with another good outing for Queen’s Gambit. So how the hell did Chriss win? Mainly, by going old school. James Jonner (12 points), Jahmyr Gibbs (19 points), and Kareem Hunt (12 points) proved to be a three-headed monster, while Travis Kelce (15 points) and the Lions defense (16 points) did more than enough to help out. As for Aly, apart from Pat Freiermuth and Patrick Queen, no one really played terribly. But some weeks, simply not playing terribly can be just as bad as actually doing so. Chriss now has a multi-game lead at the top of the standings and seems primed to continue his 2024 revenge tour.

HOG WILD (5-3) DEF. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (4-4)

111.78 – 102.64

After Chriss, there’s a pack of wild dogs all 5-3 that can contend for the championship. Perhaps the most underrated among those is Hog Wild, which managed to hold off a strong push from Channel 4 News Team. Jimmy is still without Christian McCaffrey (not to mention his replacement), while Davante Adams continues to bring nearly as little production as he does to the Jets. Still, Kyler Murray (22 points), Cade Otton (20 points), Terry McLaurin (12 points), and Alvin Kamara (12 points) all did well enough to make up for those absences. What also helped Jimmy was the fact that Jordan Love got injured once again, putting Arik in a tough position. Between Love and a goose egg from Amari Cooper, Arik also found himself struggling, despite strong days from Joe Mixon (20 points), Bijan Robinson (16 points), Zay Flowers (11 points), and Justin Jefferson (11 points). Again, it was another good performance that just wasn’t good enough. In standings as close as these, that stings particularly hard.

MAYBE NEXT YEAR (5-3) DEF. HAWK TUA (3-5)

130.74 – 88.82

Perhaps Yahoo! Was full of shit when its AI-generated recap suggested Kyle shelve his title aspirations until next season. Maybe Next Year has roared into life since then, with Hawk Tua the latest victim. Every single one of Kyle’s players scored at least five points, with only two of them finishing with fewer than eight. Chief among them was Jalen Hurts (35 points), who finally woke up. Marvin Harrison Jr. (17 points), Devante Smith (14 points), Tucker Kraft (13 points), and the Chargers defense (12 points), all came through to make this a blowout. As for Nick only Sam Darnold (18 points) and David Montgomery (13 points) got close to that kind of production. Sure, Jonathan Taylor (17 points) was stuck on the bench. But even swapping him out for Jordan Addison wouldn’t have mattered when it came to the final result. 88 points isn’t great, but when it comes to our league it’s usually well above the floor each week. Unfortunately for Nick, it’s few enough to put him towards the bottom of the list. But not quite at the bottom.

VELVET THUNDER (5-3) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-4)

112.66 – 82.40

That dubious honor goes to Ewing. With Three Eyed Ravens already dealing with the loss of Chris Godwin, someone needed to step up to help Derrick Henry (13 points) with providing the offense. Weirdly, it was the eternally frustrating Kyle Pitts (21 points) of all people that answered the call. Unfortunately for Ewing, he was the only one, with C.J. Stroud, Jalen Waddle, Reshad Bateman, Austin Ekeler, and the Jets defense having days to forget. This was good news for Velvet Thunder, which had a much more balanced attack. Bo Nix (29 points), Raheem Mostert (15 points), George Kittle (18 points), and T.J. Watt (17 points) damn near giving Emilio the win by themselves. Emilio is among the 5-3 pack, but needs to keep the momentum going to avoid getting caught in the storm. Although Ewing clings to a playoff spot, he does get the drinking punishment this week. Hopefully for him, whoever got the most points is someone who won’t sadistically rub it in his face, adding further insult to a defeat earlier this season.

THE ANTARCTICANS (5-3) DEF. BONE 2 BONE (0-8)

138.16 – 115.96

Whoever lost this matchup was going to be the recipient of the “worst luck” award (spoiler alert). The Antarcticans were coming off two straight losses – one in part due to negligence by their on-vacation manager, one due to just bad luck – and without their top THREE WRs. Bone 2 Bone has only known loss this season and faces a multi-game deficit in the fight to avoid last place. At first, it seemed like Dad might finally get the win, at his son’s expense. The three-headed monster of Jared Cook (25 points), Devon Achane (20 points), and D’Andre Swift (18 points) gave Dad an early lead, although Joe Burrow, Cole Kmet and the Ravens defense could’ve done more to boost it. Lamar Jackson (24 points) and Rhamandre Stevenson (20 points) had kept me in the game, but I was facing a big deficit going into the prime-time games. Then, CeeDee Lamb (27 points) rained down from garbage time heaven (against Dad’s favorite team, no less), putting me up for good. Remember: Yahoo! Projected Dad to go unbeaten this season.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-5) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-6)

116.60 – 111.68

While all eyes were on the top half of the standings, the only matchup without a team with a winning record ended up being the best one of the week. I think Richard might pay me to go back on vacation, given that the Krispy Kritters not only won, but went on a winning streak while I was gone. Standing in between him and a chance to not be second-to-last for once was Footballdamus, trying to save their own season from going down the drain. Richard jumped out to an early lead thanks to Josh Jacobs (24 points), though the likes of Pat Mahomes (19 points) didn’t do enough to make it permanent. Kyren Williams (17 points) and company brought Riaz back, before Brock Purdy (26 points) helped put him in a seemingly insurmountable position. But Chris Boswell (14 points) kept Richard in it, and perhaps one last FG would’ve been enough to complete the comeback. But that effort came up just short, though if Richard and Riaz each keep up those efforts, the teams above them need to watch out.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. Well Damn (7-1)
2. The Antarcticans (5-3)
3. Queen’s Gambit (5-3)
4. Maybe Next Year (5-3)
5. Hog Wild (5-3)
6. Velvet Thunder (5-3)
7. Channel 4 News Team (4-4)
8. Three Eyed Ravens (4-4)
9. Hawk Wild (3-5)
10. Footballdamus (3-5)
11. The Krispy Kritters (2-6)
12. Bone 2 Bone (0-8)

JOUST FOR THE JERSEY:

1. The Antarcticans (930.66)
2. Well Damn (869.34)
3. Queen’s Gambit (847.24)
4. Maybe Next Year (843.56)
5. Hawk Tua (840.22)
6. Hog Wild (835.22)
7. Velvet Thunder (826.96)
8. Footballdamus (816.08)
9. Channel 4 News Team (809.42)
10. Three Eyed Ravens (780.32)
11. Bone 2 Bone (767.80)
12. The Krispy Kritters (703.58)

DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:

1. Ruben (132.52) –> Emilio (65.62) [two glasses of Croft Purple Velvet wine]
2. Kyle (151.02) –> Richard (68.34) & Riaz (69.08) [two shots of tequila]
3. Nick (151.96) –> Ruben (64.68) [two cans of Guinness]
4. Jimmy (131.62) –> Aly (73.80)** & Richard (74.50) [Device Curious Haze]*
5. Ruben (141.72) –> Jimmy (87.42) [Liquid Gravity Miami Heist Hazy]*** & Arik (87.46) [Voodoo Ranger Atomic Pumpkin]
6. Arik (145.32) –> Chriss (54.12) [two BuzzBallz of Chriss’ choosing]****
7. Aly (151.22) –> Jimmy (63.04) [two vodka seltzers of Jimmy’s choosing]*****
8. Ruben (138.16) –> Ewing (82.40) [Smirnoff Ice]******

* Aly was given the option to drink a buzz ball, due to not having access to Curious Haze

** Ewing also drank a buzz ball because yolo

*** Jimmy couldn’t find Miami Heist Hazy, so he also drank Atomic Pumpkin

**** Chriss chose Tequila Rita

***** Jimmy chose High Noon

****** Had to be consumed as if Ewing was “iced”

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: When it comes to players, the two who get the now here are definitely Jalen Hurts and Kyle Pitts, both of which actually showed what they can do for once. When it comes to the Epic League, I’m going to give this to Richard, even though he lost. A 110+ point effort on the heels of a winning streak isn’t anything to sneeze at, and I’m willing to give Richard his props here.

WORST: While most of the mighty have remained at the top of the standings, one of them is falling fast. Two years after a title and one year after a semi-final berth, Ewing is struggling to keep a hold of the final playoff spot. Derrick Henry is solid as hell but is also the only truly consistent player in the lineup. Ewing may be able to rely on the awfulness of others, but he should do better.

TRANSACTION

BEST: Normally I don’t toot my own horn (or even do transactions, really), but my hand was forced with Mike Evans, Tee Higgins, and Jamison Williams unavailable. With time running out and me on the other side of the world, I picked up Michael Wilson on a whim. Not only was he productive, but he did enough to prevent Dad from being one Lad McConkey away from upsetting me.

WORST: Normally, having too many good QBs is a good problem to have. Richard decided to eliminate his own problem by cutting Matthew Stafford in favor of a WR who rode the bench and got one point. The difference between Stafford and Pat Mahomes would’ve given him the win. But even though his decision was reasonable, Richard could’ve used Stafford as trade bait.

LINEUP DECISION

BAD: Emilio could’ve also gotten “best transaction” for picking up Bo Nix, but he gets extra credit here for throwing him in the starting lineup. Sure, he was up against the paper Panthers. But no one expected Nix to do that. Nix’s performance was the reason Emilio ran away with the win, and between him, Pat Mahomes, and Justin Herbert, Raiders fans have more reasons why.

WORST: Obviously, it’s impossible to account for injuries, even with 20/20 hindsight. But putting Jordan Love in ahead of Baker Mayfield, while defensible, was the difference between a narrow loss and a resounding victory for Arik. It also wasn’t the only move Arik could’ve made to turn defeat into victory, but it’s definitely the one that was the easiest in that same hindsight.

LUCK

BEST: Just look at the first game recap again – how in the world do all of those things go against Chriss, while he deals with the PTSD from playing the team that beat him in the championship game, and he still wins the damn game? Chriss may not be playing at his absolute best right now, but consistency, combined with this kind of luck, might make him unbeatable this year.

WORST: The only winless team in the league in the first year in league history there’s a last place punishment. Multiple games behind the second-worst team. The highest-scoring week of the year gone to waste against the highest-scoring team of the week, which just happens to be managed by your son. Maybe the gifts I brought back from overseas can sooth Dad’s pain.

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

(looks around)

Nothing changed while I was gone? Cool.

(googling) What day is the draft? 

STAT OF THE MONTH

Remember two months ago, when the Jets were considered Super Bowl candidates and Aaron Rodgers was among the preseason MVP favorites? We know that things can change quickly, but goddamn this is something else. It’s one thing to know that your franchise that has historically sucked will simply continue to suck. It’s another to have hope — fueled by the delayed debut of a future HOF QB and a mid-season trade for his beloved former WR — only to see everything come crashing down once again. It’s the hope that gets you. It’s not like Giants fans have it better, either, with each franchise making terrible decisions (bending the knee to Aaron Rodgers/firing Robert Saleh/paying Daniel Jones instead of Saquon Barkley) that has left New York football in a historically dire state.

Oh, and nearly 60 of those yards came on the final drive. Detroit also had more kick/punt return yards than offensive yards.

What the fuck are the Lions? Did Detroit break football while I was gone? This is definitely up there with that Steelers/Texans game I’ve mentioned before as one of the weirdest games in NFL history. Please dear god let the Lions make it all the way this time.

Do me a favor: click on the actual tweet and look at the names Anthony Richardson is surrounded by on that list. Those are… not HOFers. Between that and the whole 2/15 with 81 yards and a TD at the half thing (plus Richardson actually taking himself out of a game because he was tired), I think football actually got broken since I left. I need something reliable to bring me back to reality.

There we go — shitting on the Cowboys, a beloved pastime.

While we’re on the 49ers game, Nick Bosa is a fucking asshole and a coward. He disrespectfully crashed an interview to make his political views known, then refused to elaborate when asked about it afterwards. Nearly ten years ago, Colin Kaepernick made an off-camera gesture to draw attention to his own views (though to be fair everyone should share that view), was falsely accused of disrespecting the national anthem (despite clarifying when asked), and blackballed from football because of it. Let’s see how many 49ers fans (and people as a whole) give Bosa the same shit they gave Kaepernick and if the NFL collectively decides to treat Bosa the same way they did Kaepernick. I have my own guess as to what the answer will be, as well as the reason why. Let’s see if the “stick to sports crowd” sticks to that attitude when an athlete who agrees with them pulls this kind of shit. I’ve got a good feeling they won’t. Let’s see if fans of the team in one of the most liberal cities in the U.S. stop rooting for this asshole, or if they’ll just look the other way because he’s good at football. Again, I think I know the answer to all of this. It’s the same reason why this election is even close in the first place. 

Speaking of pieces of shit…

Deshaun Watson has two more years left on his fully-guaranteed deal.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 31, 2004, the greatest winning streak in NFL history came to a somewhat unexpected end. More than 14 months earlier — on September 28, 2003, the New England Patriots’ comeback against Washington fell short, as they lost 20-17. The defeat dropped New England to 2-2 on the season and failed to answer the questions surrounding the team. After they surprisingly won Super Bowl XXXVI, the Patriots had finished a disappointing 9-7 in 2002, failing to make the playoffs. At .500 four games into 2003, many were wondering if that title win had been a fluke, and maybe head coach Bill Belichick and QB Tom Brady were overrated and had simply gotten lucky. Two decades later, we know that to be foolish, but back then the football world had yet to understand why you don’t count out the Brady-Belichick Patriots. They would soon find out. After the loss to Washington, New England didn’t drop a single game, finishing with a 14-2 record en route to a victory in Super Bowl XXXVIII. Little did we know at the time, but the Patriots juggernaut had officially been formed. New England would keep their winning ways going to start the 2004 season, which began with six straight victories. The most recent one, 13-7 over the also 5-0 New York Jets, made it 21 straight wins (regular and postseason combined), extending the NFL record New England had broken the week prior. To make it 2022, the Patriots would have to go through a familiar foe, one led by a fresh face.

Over the past several seasons, the Pittsburgh Steelers had consistently proved to be tough opponents to everyone, though they had become stuck in the realm of “good enough to make the playoffs but not good enough to truly contend.” The lone exception came in 2001, when the Steelers went 13-3 thanks to Kordell Stewart, but lost in the AFC Championship Game to the eventual Super Bowl champion Patriots. Steward had a rough start to the 2002 season and was later released. Tommy Maddox took over at QB and did decently enough. However, a 10-5-1 2002 was followed by an injury-plagued 6-10 2003 season, the worst under head coach Bill Cowher. But there was a silver lining: the Steelers landed the 11th overall pick in the 2004 NFL Draft, which they used to select Ben Roethlisberger of Miami (Ohio). Unlike with today’s QBs, back then rookies weren’t pressued to immediately start, so Roethlisberger was expected to ride the pine for a while. But Maddux suffered an elbow sprain in a Week 2 loss to the Baltimore Ravens, forcing Roethlisberger into the lineup. But the rookie proved to be up to the task, with Pittsburgh going 4-0 in Roethlisberger’s first four starts. The biggest challenge would be yet to come, as (after a bye week) the 21-game unbeaten Patriots were up next in Pittsburgh.

Both teams started slowly on offense, with a banged-up Patriots managing just a FG and the Steelers going three-and-out on their first two drives. But the third proved to be more fruitful, as Roethlisberger threw a bomb to Plaxico Burress and a 47-yard TD (New England would also lose future HOF CB Ty Law for the season on the drive). Pittsburgh kept the momentum going, as Joey Porter strip sacked Brady and Roethlisberger found Burress for a second score shortly after. Deshea Townsend got the second turnover in as many Patriots plays, picking off Brady and returning it to the endzone. Suddenly, the winners of 21 straight games found themselves trailing 21-3 in the 1st quarter. The Steelers would keep control of the game for pretty much the rest of the night, with a second Brady INT leading to a Pittsburgh FG. New England appeared to get some momentum back with a TD pass from Brady to David Givens just before halftime. But that was extinguished early in the 3rd quarter, after Kevin Faulk fumbled on the second play of the half and Pittsburgh followed it up with a Jerome Bettis TD to make it 31-10. After a pair of FGs, New England tried to get momentum back with another TD to Givens. But Pittsburgh was able to run out the clock, snapping the Patriots’ 21-game unbeaten run with a 34-20 victory.

The Steelers had a week to celebrate before they welcomed another tough foe to Heinz Field: the Philadelphia Eagles, who (at 7-0) were the last unbeaten team in the NFL. But Pittsburgh proved the win over New England was not a fluke by smashing their Quaker State counterparts 27-3. In fact, the Steelers didn’t slow down for the rest of the season, finishing with an NFL-best 15-1 record (the first team in league history to end the season with 15 wins) and seeing Roethlisberger take home OROY honors while setting the NFL record for best record for a rookie QB (13-0 — he sat the final game). After surviving a scare against the Jets in the Divisional round, the Steelers found themselves back in the AFC Championship Game and one win away from a rematch with the Eagles (who had beaten the Atlanta Falcons 27-10 in the NFC Championship Game) in what would be an all-Pennsylvania showdown in Super Bowl XXXIX. However, one team stood in their way: the Patriots. Turns out the loss to Pittsburgh only pissed New England off, as they went on to win all but one (the famous orange jersey game against the Miami Dolphins) of their final nine games to finish 14-2 once again. After steamrolling the Indianapolis Colts in the Divisional Round, the Patriots proceeded to march into Pittsburgh and enact some sweet revenge, taking the AFC title with a 41-27 victory and handing Roethlisberger his first loss as a starter. New England would then edge out the Eagles two weeks later for its third Lombardi Trophy in four years. As for Pittsburgh, while the wound sting, sweeter relief would come the following season. After finishing 11-5, the Steelers would go on an improbable run (that fortunately for them didn’t include facing the Patriots, who were upset in the playoffs before they could face Pittsburgh) to win Super Bowl XL, as that era of players (and Cowher) finally got over the hump.

OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:

— 1988: The Colts defeat the Denver Broncos before four TDs from Eric Dickerson in the first nationally televised NFL game from Indianapolis (four years after the move from Baltimore)

— 1987: Future HOF RB Eric Dickerson is famously traded by the Los Angeles Rams to the Indianapolis Colts (the Buffalo Bills are also involved in the three-way agreement)

— 1971: George Blanda sets the then-record for most points scored in a career as the Oakland Raiders and Kansas City Chiefs play to a 17-17 tie, the first in their rivalry’s history

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 COUNTRIES THE NFL SHOULD PLAY IN NEXT

At the time of this newsletter, all of the season’s international games have taken place, with only the Week 10 matchup between the New York Giants and Carolina Panthers in Munich currently left to be played. While this is far from the NFL’s first game overseas and the first game in Germany, the fact that this NFL season will see games played in four different countries across three different continents is pretty damn crazy. But this is part of the new normal for the NFL, which has made international expansion one of its larger priorities over the past decade. From just one game in England back in 2012 to a handful of European games and a game in South America a dozen years later, the NFL isn’t stopping soon, with Spain set to become the sixth country outside of the U.S. (joining Canada, Mexico, England, Germany, and Brazil) to host an NFL regular season game next season, when two TBD teams will follow my footsteps and head to Madrid. It would not surprise me if, by the time our kids are playing fantasy football, every NFL team will have at least one international game on its schedule each season. That would mean expansion into a few more markets.

So, with Spain coming up in 2025, where will the NFL go next? There’s clearly a market for overseas football, or else these kinds of games wouldn’t be drawing well over 50,000+ fans almost every single time. But while it may seem like the NFL literally has the whole world in its hands, not every country is a gold mine. Of course, there has to be a genuine interest in the sport, which these recent games have proven could come from countries that are obsessed with proper football (soccer). However, there also has to be the proper infrastructure in place to house such a game, which is rightfully treated as a major event. International venues that have hosted an NFL game — Estadio Azteca, Wembley Stadium, Allianz Arena, Tottenham Hotspur Stadium — are either one of the largest or most modern (or both) in their country/continent. If not, then the cities they’re located in (London, Mexico City, Sao Paulo) are among the most populated of their country/continent. If a market can’t provide any of these, it’s not going to even sniff an NFL game. Of course, there are diplomatic issues to consider as well — the NFL isn’t exactly rushing to play a game in Russia, despite the capacity of Luzhniki Stadium (the 9th most in Europe at 78,000+) and population of Moscow (the second-most in Europe at 13M+).

Before we get to the final list, let me make a bold claim: by the time multiple children of current league members (who are under age 40) are playing fantasy football, the NFL will have played at least one regular season game in Africa. Not only is the amount of NFL players from Africa rising (and taking part in an NFL-produced streaming series about growing the game), but the league itself is putting out feelers by hosting talent identification camps in countries like Ghana and Kenya. However, while I’m confident that the NFL will eventually go to Africa, I have no idea which country will get to host the first game. On paper, South Africa seems like the perfect candidate — Johannesburg is not only in the Top 10 African cities in terms of population, but is also home to FNB Stadium (the largest capacity in Africa at 94,000+). The country has plenty of infrastructure to host major sporting events, thanks in part to South Africa hosting the 2010 FIFA World Cup (the only time an African country has hosted the tournament). But here’s the thing: South Africa’s government/economy is omega fucked right now and the NFL wants no part of that mess. If South Africa ever gets its shit together (and to be fair, steps have been taken to make that happen), they would be the favorite. 

Apart from South Africa, Egypt is the African country with the largest numbers when it comes to population and stadium capacity, particularly in Cairo. It also has way more of its shit together. However, there aren’t any major closed-roof stadiums in Egypt, which is almost entirely covered by the Sahara Desert, making it way too hot for football. The same goes for Morocco, which not only has the infrastructure but is arguably the most stable African country. On the other hand, the Democratic Republic of the Congo has the population, infrastructure, and climate, but is as politically stable and overall safe as betting on the Carolina Panthers and New England Patriots to meet in the Super Bowl this season. Other countries that can score high in at least one of the major categories (stadium capacity, population, stability, overall NFL interest) include Ghana, Ivory Coast, Cameroon, Kenya, Senegal, and Zimbabwe. But each of those countries is lacking in at least one other of those categories enough to worry the PR machine that is the NFL. Unless the league decides to wait on South Africa to get its shit together or have its teams play in a literal desert in Egypt, my current prediction for an NFL Africa game is Nigeria. Even then, I’m not sure where exactly it would be held: Lagos (the former capital and most populous city in Africa with a stadium capacity of just 45,000+) or Abuja (the current capital and just the 9th-most populous city in Nigeria with a stadium capacity of 60,000+). Still, while I can’t exactly pin down where it will happen, I do think the NFL will go to Africa in the near future. 

As for those places where I can make a more detailed guess…

HONORABLE MENTION: CHINA

While the U.S. and China are not exactly best friends, the NFL has had warmer relations with the country. In fact, the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks were even supposed to play a preseason game in Beijing in 2007. However, the China Bowl was postponed due to various logistical issues. They tried to revive the concept in 2020, but to no avail. However, while there may be some worries about a demand in football, there’s no way the NFL can look at the vast Chinese market and not at least think about resuming those discussions once again.

HONORABLE MENTION: PORTUGAL

We’ve had an NFL game in Brazil and will soon have one in Spain, so why not have a game in the country most like both of them? Portugal sits right next to Spain, which may partially explain why it’s underrated when it comes to sports (outside of the second-best soccer player of his generation). While not exactly the largest or most populated country, Portugal still boasts the 64,000+ capacity Estadio da Luz in the capital of Lisbon. At the very worst, Portugal would be a solid NFL market with a fan base eager to prove they’ve better than their Iberian rivals. 

HONORABLE MENTION: CHILE

South America is fucking crazy for sports and Brazil is just the start. However, with the largest and most populous country in the continent secured, where should the NFL go next? Chile has several positives going for it: not only is it the most politically and economically stable country in the continent, but the capital, Santiago, is the sixth-most populous in South America. While the country’s largest stadium has just the 29th-highest capacity in the continent, it’s just one spot below where the Green Bay Packers and Philadelphia Eagles played in Sao Paulo this year. 

HONORABLE MENTION: COLOMBIA

Another intriguing option in South America is Colombia, which on paper is both better and worse than Chile’s bid. Colombia is the second-most populous country in the continent (and given the size difference has a higher population density) and the capital of Bogota is in the Top 5 in terms of population. However, Bogota’s largest stadium has a capacity of just 39,000+ and the country’s largest stadium (with a capacity of 52,000) is located in Cali, which ranks just 18th in population in South America. Still, a Colombia NFL game could work in the right situation.

10. ARGENTINA

But if you want the best option for the next South American NFL country, look no further than the current world champions of football. While Argentina has a significantly smaller population than Brazil, it has a secret weapon: Buenos Aires, the second-most populous city in South America and one of the most iconic cities in the world. Buenos Aires is home to no fewer than five major soccer clubs, each with its own large stadium to call home. The largest of those belongs to River Plate, whose Estadio Mas Monumental is the largest in all of South America, with a capacity of 84,000+. If the NFL wants something smaller, there are several other venues near or above 50,000+ capacity. Argentina is the only other country in South America that can compete with Brazil in the categories the NFL is looking at to evaluate countries. Although the overall government and economy is shakier than expected, Brazil isn’t exactly better, either. If the NFL sets its eyes on Buenos Aires, Argentina can make waves in the other kind of football.

9. FRANCE

Believe it or not, a lot of countries have a football league and take part in continental and global football tournaments. One of the most successful of those countries (that hasn’t yet hosted a regular season NFL game) is France, which could potentially be a fantastic host. Not only is the country as a whole one of the most recognizable in the world, but Paris is one of the most beloved cities on the planet. The 9th-most populated city in Europe also hosts the Stade de France, the fifth-highest capacity stadium in the continent (81,000+). If Paris doesn’t work, there’s always large, incredible cities like Marseille (with the 67,000+ capacity Stade Velodrome) and Lyon (with the 59,000+ capacity Parc Olympique de Lyonnais). Now, you may look at France and consider that they may not have the interest in the sport, pretentiously turning their noses up at anything stereotypically American. To that end, I ask you to check out the crowd reception to this year’s WWE Backlash event in Lyon, which was, quite simply, phenomenal.

8. SWEDEN

Fun fact: the first ever NFL game played in Europe was a 1988 preseason clash between the Minnesota Vikings and Chicago Bears at the Ullevi in Gothenburg, Sweden. Yeah, Sweden was the NFL’s first taste of Europe, which maybe says something that they haven’t been back since. I think that’s a bit unfair and Sweden (and Scandinavia as a whole) is an underrated potential market. Perhaps that’s because the countries are a little too far north and too small to wow the league immediately. But there’s a genuine interest in the sport, particularly in Finland. But that might be a bit too small for the NFL’s liking, so we’ll throw in Sweden as a more attractive alternative. The Ullevi still exists and has a 43,000+ capacity — why not have the Bears and Vikings run it back in Gothenburg nearly 40 years later? If that’s not enticing enough, how about a trip to the capital and most populous city of Sweden, Stockholm, which houses the 50,000+ capacity Strawberry Arena. That could open the gate for more Scandinavian NFL games.

7. NEW ZEALAND

Of all sports, the closest to football is rugby. People in New Zealand fucking love rugby. While it’s not exactly that simple, there’s definitely a path to follow there, as long as we ignore the fact that sometimes jokes are made about rugby being way tougher to play than football. That’s made easier when you remember that, while New Zealand is full of feisty, full-throated sports fanatics, it’s small, with the U.K. being the only country that’s hosted an NFL game to be smaller in area than New Zealand. Unlike with the U.K., population doesn’t make up for size. However, New Zealand is a fertile new market that has the 50,000+ capacity Eden Park and has just gotten a shot at hosting a major event in the well-received 2023 FIFA Women’s World Cup. To be honest, while I have a soft spot for New Zealand, I don’t see the NFL going to solely visit there if it ventures to the Southwestern Pacific. No, it will most likely be a joint venture with New Zealand’s bigger brother. Fortunately for the Kiwis, I have that country ranked quite high.

6. AUSTRIA/SWITZERLAND

I’m kind of cheating by lumping Austria and Switzerland together, but honestly I’d say pretty much the same thing about both neighboring countries. Both are around the same size and share the same climate/terrain. The two colors in their flags are red and white. The pair of them even shared hosting duties for another major international sporting event: UEFA Euro 2008. Both Switzerland and Austria are also quite involved in the other football, with each country having several thriving professional teams and a strong national squad. While Germany is largely considered the best when it comes to both club and national competition in Europe, Austria and Switzerland can each make a valid claim to be the second-best. Of the two, Austria is probably the most likely to get the nod, having a Top 10 most populated city in Vienna and a 50,000+ capacity venue in the Ernst-Happel-Stadion. However, Switzerland isn’t too far off and may have more international recognition. Both would also have to overcome larger neighbors.

5. ITALY

I’m surprised that Italy hasn’t been brought up in these kinds of discussions. The country not only has its own football league, but is among the European football contenders each year. Italian football players are also making their own mark, such as Saskatchewan Roughriders LB Habakkuk Baldonado and Nausicaa Dell’orto of the Italian women’s football league. In addition to major interest in the sport, Italy boasts some world-renowned stadiums and cities. Milan has the world famous San Siro (80,000+ capacity), while Turin has the modern Juventus Stadium (41,000+ capacity). But if you’re going to bring the NFL to Italy, there’s only one place to go: Rome. The Eternal City is not only the 8th-most populous European city (and the third-most populated city in the European Union), but has the 67,000+ capacity Stadio Olimpico. It also has the historic Roman Colosseum, which I’m pretty sure the NFL marketing department could do something with in its promotion. The Raiders also have to be involved in the first game there.

4. SCOTLAND/WALES

Once again I’m cheating a little bit, but once again I’d largely say similar things about both Scotland and Wales. The most critical of those similarities: they’re part of the U.K. The NFL has already entered the commonwealth via England, so this would likely amount to the league completing side quests by also hosting games in these two countries. But what quests they’d be — Wales and Scotland have millions of underserved sports fans, speak the same language the NFL does, and exist in a market they’ve already done the work to break into. Each country also has the infrastructure to appease the league. Wales can boast the 73,000+ capacity Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, while Scotland has Edinburgh and the 67,000+ capacity Murrayfield Stadium as well as Glasgow and the 60,000+ capacity Celtic Park (and the 50,000+ capacity Ibrox Stadium). Picture this: one week sees teams from two divisions play each other in the U.K, with two games in London, one in Glasgow, and one in Cardiff. That sounds a lot like money.

3. JAPAN

Another fun fact: the first ever NFL game to take place outside of North America was a 1976 preseason clash between the St. Louis Cardinals and San Diego Chargers in Tokyo, Japan. While the game didn’t draw well, it didn’t stop the NFL from going back. From 1986-2005, the league held the American Bowl — an annual international preseason game. Out of all the countries to host a game (including England, Germany, Canada, Spain, and Mexico), the one that hosted the most games was Japan, with the nearly 50,000-capacity Tokyo Dome being the main venue. There even used to be an annual college football game in Tokyo. While it’s been about two decades since Japan has hosted a major football game, the interest has clearly been there — I even saw part of a game in Osaka in person in 2016. The current era of advanced technology and communication would likely provide a larger boost. Pair that with the nostalgia of past games and uniqueness of the event for this generation and you’d have a winner.

2. IRELAND

Along with some other cities and countries in the British Isles I’ve mentioned, Ireland (Dublin in particular) has been confirmed to have garnered interest from the NFL. But unlike the rest of them, Ireland has one unique aspect: it’s not part of the U.K. That technically makes it a unique market, one that’s eager to prove itself against its rivals nearby. Ireland does share a lot of qualities with those countries, particularly the ability to (largely) speak English and the presence of a major city (Dublin) that features multiple world class stadiums (the 73,000+ capacity Croke Park and the 51,000+ capacity Aviva Stadium). The country has a history with football, once hosting a 1997 preseason game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Chicago Bears and currently hosting the on/off again Aer Lingus College Football Classic. Fun fact: that 1997 game saw the debut of the Steelers’ current style of uniforms. If the NFL returns, Pittsburgh will be a shoe-in to play. Former Steelers owner Dan Rooney was once the U.S. Ambassador to Ireland.

1. AUSTRALIA

Of all the countries yet to host an NFL game, I would personally wager that Australia would be next (after Spain) to actually do so. That’s not just because the league itself has confirmed serious interest. As a whole, Australia is perfect for NFL action. It’s by far the largest, most populated country in an untapped region of the world (and a place that speaks English). In addition, Australia has several large cities (Sydney, Brisbane, Melbourne, Perth) with venues with a capacity of at least 50,000. The country that also has its own unique kind of football (Australian Rules Football) also has a history with the American version, with Sydney’s Stadium Australia (82,000+ capacity) hosting a 1999 preseason clash between the Denver Broncos and San Diego Chargers. While things like weather (Australia’s seasons are the reverse of ours) and time difference do make for unique challenges, the positives Australia brings as a market — either by itself or with its little brother in New Zealand — top every other potential new site.

WHERE’S THE HAMMAM, MA’AM?

We’ve gotten this far into the newsletter and I have yet to really talk about my vacation, which might be a record for the longest time I’ve been able to shut up about travel. While some might take this to mean I had a shitty trip, the reality is that I had a wonderful time overseas. I got to visit one of the world’s most unique and smallest countries in Andorra, redeem my prior trip to Barcelona by damn near eating every single item of food in the city, embrace the history and culture across Madrid, and enjoy one of the most beautiful cities I’ve ever visited in Lisbon (and crossed Portugal off the list as well.

Of course, the main reason I even ventured into that part of the world was because my group of Antarctica trip friends wanted to go to Morocco, even though I had my proven doubts. Sure enough, those who wanted to go were fooled by social media making everything seem better and everyone agreed we should’ve gone somewhere else. Still, we managed to have a lot of fun on the trip, even if half of that fun was taking the piss out of the situations we found ourselves in. We shared a lot of cool experiences, such as enjoying the Atlantic Ocean in the coastal city of Essaouira, taking in a dinner experience that featured belly dancers, fire juggling, and a concert (as well as a Top 5 steak I’ve ever eaten), drinking and dining on a rooftop bar of a hotel owned by Robert De Niro, icing each other mercilessly at our AirBnb, and going up into the air for a hot air balloon ride (my first ever). I also ate McDonald’s in Marrakech, making it 6/6 when it comes to enjoying the golden arches on each continent (they have yet to open one on Antarctica — trust me I checked).

But you guys deserve a travel story, and I’ve got one that may ruin my carefully crafted reputation as a manly man who does manly things (humor me). You see, even though I’m not opposed to doing so and have warmed up further to it over the years, I’ve never had a spa day. I’ve never even gotten a foot massage, let alone a mani/pedi or a full treatment at a spa. So imagine my surprise when one of our Antarctica troupe suggested going to a hammam for such a treatment.

In case you don’t know what a hammam is, imagine the scene from Rounders where Mike goes to the bathhouse to ask Knish for money to fund his rematch with KGB. It’s like that, except more ornate and… just more. In terms of popping my spa cherry, this would be like my first strip club experience being a Las Vegas business during Emilio’s bachelor party. Once again, I would be going straight from the streets into the starting lineup, with no warm-up. Actually, there would be a lot of warming up and nearly as much nudity as there was in the strip club.

After a 15-minute journey from the Marrakech square through the winding streets of the medina (during which time I partially thought we were navigating ourselves towards some kind of prison), we turned a corner and found ourselves walking into the shockingly calming Hammam Rosa Bonheur. A patient man in a green kaftan explained what our order, the “Royal Treatment,” would entail. But to be honest I was distracted, trying to absorb everything about my first spa treatment while missing out on the factual information about what would be happening to my body over the next two-and-a-half hours. 

While we are close friends, we weren’t that close, so my group split in half by gender. Naturally, me and the other two men were picked to go first. We were ushered to a changing room, where we were told to remove our clothes and put on a robe, with only a small black item that I can best describe as a mesh diaper that barely covered my ass being the only item of “clothing” allowed. Trying to follow the group while not letting the mesh garment fall off my body, I walked up a couple of flights of stairs and onto the roof of the building. We were then led to a small marble chamber, about ten-by-ten feet in size, that we quickly realized was a sauna. After taking off and hanging up our robes, we were told to sit on separate marble benches that lined the walls of the sauna. Three women then came in, dipped cups into a well of water in the far corner of the sauna, made sure we were soaked, then closed the door and left.

Over the next half-four, or hour, or three days (honestly I completely lost track), we sat there and sweated our asses off. I had never been in a sauna for more than five minutes, so this was already uncharted territory. The three of us, naked except for the aforementioned black mesh diapers, tried to make small talk to pass the time, a process that was made easier by the fact that we had gotten so sweaty that we could make fart noises by lying down on the bench and moving our backs. Just when the sauna experience was crossing the line between steam bath and actual torture, the ladies returned. However, only two of them entered, with them working on the other two guys. As I kind of sat there awkwardly, the women lathered my friends’ hair and bodies with soap, rinsed it off, and then began scrubbing their limbs to remove any dead skin. After putting some brown gel on them, the ladies then turned to me and began the process again, with each focusing on half of my body. I will admit that this felt nice both physically and spiritually. That nice feeling ended once they left and we had to endure another prolonged period of sweating our asses off. Eventually, the two ladies (followed by the third about two minutes later) returned to douse us with cool water, give us one more lathering and rinsing, and then escort us outside of our torture chamber. As we re-robed and went outside, the afternoon air of Marrakech felt cool for the first time I could remember.

We were then led down a flight of stairs and into a dark room, where, judging by the three long and thin tables with holes cut out for heads waiting for us, the proper massage would begin. Still soaking wet, we laid face down on the tables, with my ass at least partially exposed due to the mesh diaper starting to lose whatever structural integrity it had. Our backs were mostly covered with towels and, as we began to dry, the massage portion kicked in. Over what felt like the next two hours, we melted into the darkness of the room and the soothing music. Starting with the feet and slowly traveling up to the neck, every nook and cranny was thoroughly relaxed and kneaded. After that, we turned over onto our backs as the process repeated, this time with us facing our masseuses. It simply felt incredible as for the first time in my life I got to feel soft hands working over my body (in a non-sexual way, of course). That being said, there were some points where the line was toed, with the mesh diaper not exactly allowing much room for error when my lady was working the crotch region. A knuckle or two might’ve brushed the odd cheek and ball once in a while.

It was during the second half of the massage when every physical feeling finally caught up to me. You see, I hadn’t slept much since I got to Morocco. The first full day I was there, we got up early to take a day trip to the coast. While we got to sleep in the following day, it was one of those things where I woke up early naturally. Then the day of the massage, we had gotten up early again to go to what would become an aborted attempt to ride in a hot air balloon. The point is, I was tired, and everything about the massage was making me sleepy. I’m not sure if you know this about me, but I tend to snore loudly. So when I’m in public or with friends, I try not to sleep until I’m by myself (or unless it’s a really noisy environment like a plane cabin). The last thing I wanted to do (that didn’t involve nudity) during that massage was fall asleep. I was good during the first half of the massage (during which time one of my friends fell asleep), but the second half was kicking my ass. As I fought to stay awake for the final stretch of the massage, my eyes closed and my mind began to fade…

I then remember letting out a full-throated, true Ruben-style snore, one loud enough to snap me out of my daze. While my eyes were still covered by cloth and whatever spa products they use, I could tell that everyone around me had stopped what they were doing, stunned by the sound I had just made. I had apparently been out for about ten minutes, but that last snore had been so loud, not even the most professional masseuse could’ve ignored it. Although I had been just silently doing everything they had told me to do up until this point, I had to say something. I mumbled “sorry,” but the tipping point had already been reached. I could hear one of my friends start to chuckle, then one of the other masseuses stifle her laughter. I knew that I had to be the one to break the tension, so I just started laughing as well. Pretty quickly, everyone in the room was howling with laughter. Even though the masseuses only spoke French and Arabic (and we very much didn’t) the universal language of laughter dominated the room. It’s a good thing it was dark, because I was red in the face. Thankfully, I base most of my humor in self-deprecation, so it wasn’t hard to turn that embarrassment into an ice-breaking opportunity. Plus, if we were all being honest, the whole experience was full of ridiculous situations. Now fully unable to fall asleep again, I relaxed once again and the final 15 minutes of the massage was completed.

We re-robed and were walked back down to the main hall, where we directed into a room featuring six chairs, three facing the other three. The first of those three were occupied by the girls, which was surprising given that we had gone first. I suspect the several minute-long laugh break had something to do with it. As we were poured a cup of hot tea, the six of us discussed the experience, which for the girls apparently went a little bit less awkwardly. We also had to sit with out legs crossed, lest we give the girls a show they were neither expecting nor wanting. After about ten minutes, we were allowed to change back into our normal clothes. We were each then given a scrubber and bottle of argan oil, before we paid and were sent out, fresher and cleaner than we had been in our lives, back into the dirty, dusty streets of Marrakech.

So, now that I’m officially a spa veteran, what do I have to say about the experience, and would I do it again? Unlike the aforementioned Vegas strip club ordeal, this spa trip has made me want to return. While I definitely won’t go for an extreme experience again, I can definitely see myself going in for a rejuvenation, maybe even just a mani/pedi if I’m feeling frisky. That being said, I’m not chomping at the bit to get back, like I was after my first escape room adventure. The spa was also a little expensive, so I’m not going to turn “treating myself” into a habit. But as long as I don’t have to wear one of those mesh diapers again, I’ll find myself back on the massage table again.

I swear I’m not gonna turn into Deshaun Watson, guys.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

HOG WILD (5-3) VS. QUEEN’S GAMBIT (5-3)

The pack of 5-3 teams needs to be separated somehow, so why not pit to of them against each other? Both Hog Wild and Queen’s Gambit have been good, but not quite completely consistent, either. Aly won’t get a lot of help when it comes to that, given the array of Steelers she’ll be missing from her lineup this week. Josh Allen could just go Fire God again, but Jimmy has a solid enough team (with his own spark plug in Kyler Murray) to keep up. This may come down to the running game, with both Saquon Barkley and Alvin Kamara lighting up the scoreboard.

MAYBE NEXT YEAR (5-3) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-4)

We had one Epic Bowl rematch last week. Now comes one from the year before. The Three Eyed Ravens’ chances of going back to the title game are on thin icemostly due to the fact that no one outside of Derrick Henry can be consistent. Meanwhile, Maybe Next Year is getting hot, with Jalen Hurts and Marvin Harrison Jr. coming into their own. The real life game between the Houston Texans and New York Jets could decide this fantasy matchup, given that the likes of C.J. Stroud, Breece Hall, and the Jets defense are involved in this particular showdown.

VELVET THUNDER (5-3) VS. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (4-4)

This week will be a good test for whether or not Velvet Thunder is for real. Although Channel 4 News Team is a bit behind in the standings, Baker Mayfield, Justin Jefferson, Joe Mixon, and Bijan Robinson make a dangerous lineup at Arik’s disposal. Plus, Emilio is dealing with guys like T.J. Watt, George Kittle, and Russell Wilson being on byes. Can Bo Nix be the answer for Emilio at QB? Meanwhile, can Amari Cooper get a resurgence in production for Arik now that he’s with the Bills? The answers to those questions could be the solution to much more in the future.

THE ANTARCTICANS (5-3) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-5)

Byes are hitting both the Antarcticans and Footballdamus hard. In addition to my WR room that’s doubling as a hospital ward, I will be without the services of Fred Warner and the Steelers defense, two of my key contributors. Riaz is also losing his defense (the 49ers), as well as Brock Purdy. I’m gonna have to rely on Lamar Jackson, though that cushion may be deflated if Jackson keeps targeting Mark Andrews, which would be good for Riaz. Both Riaz and I have a RB corps with both a low floor and a high ceiling. Whichever gets closer to the latter could decide the winner.

WELL DAMN (7-1) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-6)

The Krispy Kritters have been on a bit of a roll lately and Richard has plenty of reason to feel good right now. It’s the perfect time for the juggernaut known as Well Damn to jump in front of their path. With the likes of Ja’Marr Chase, Travis Kelce, the Lions defense, and a likely bounce back game from Geno Smith, Chriss’ floor might be Richards’ ceiling, especially if Pat Mahomes keeps up his subpar performance. Josh Jacobs, Aaron Jones, and the Chiefs defense need to step up for Richard, though each of them are facing tough matchups. This could be a wake-up call for Richard.

HAWK TUA (3-5) VS. BONE 2 BONE (0-8)

This is the one I’ve been dreading. The most sexually charged matchup (at least when it comes to team names) is finally here. For both Hawk Tua and Bone 2 Bone, their trajectory isn’t exactly pointing upwards. But despite the hardships being pressed against them, both Nick and Dad have a chance to get excited again with a win this week. Doing so starts at the QB position, as Joe Burrow and Sam Darnold have been flaccid lately. But if they and the running game can get it going, things should look up. Either way, neither of these teams can afford to be dicked down again. Penis.

ONE LAST THING

After all the voting, bitching, and texting, we finally have a winner when it comes to the loser. Sort of.

Following a close tally that included several re-votes, the official last place punishment for the Epic League is: the beer mile. Four laps around a track. Four beers. Another beer/lap if you don’t finish within 20 minutes. No running and drinking at the same time. 

That being said, let’s take a look at the standings. Dad is multiple games behind everyone else for last place and is the odds on favorite to finish at the bottom of the standings. This is a problem because as his team name, Bone 2 Bone, suggests, he has no cartilage in his knee and thus literally cannot run, with or without surgery. As Chriss can attest, Dad literally needed a wheelchair to attend Smackdown last month. Thus, the punishment cannot be completed. 

So here’s what we’re going to do. If Dad does in fact finish in last place, he will buy and display a “I suck at fantasy football” license plate frame. The beer mile punishment will then be pushed back to next year, meaning I don’t have to deal with this shit until 2026. But if someone else ends up finishing last, they will do the beer mile after all.

In short: the thing we voted for to do this year will likely instead be done next year, while the option that lost will likely be picked this year anyway. If that isn’t our league in a nutshell…

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness