You asked for it, so here it is.
During our draft, it was brought to my attention that commissioners in other leagues our members are in have sent out newsletters in the past, full of funny anecdotes, insightful analysis, and shit talking. Well, my competitive nature and my desire to get back to writing more longform pieces combined to form a “anything you can do, I can do better” cloud over my head that rained until I came up with this: the first ever Epic League Epicness Newsletter!
Now, this is obviously the first one, so it’s probably not going to be perfect, and there will definitely be adjustments throughout the year. I’ll try to have these emailed out to everyone before the Thursday night game each week. I have some travel plans that might throw a curveball at the schedule, but we’ll get to that next week.
In the meantime, here goes nothing!
DRAFT RECAP
First off, thanks to everyone who attended my exquisitely catered draft party. All three of you. Dicks.
Oh wait, some of you said you didn’t want to miss the Game of Thrones Season 7 finale. Let me save you the spoilers: the only shocking death during the entire season was the show’s writing. You’re all missing out on the good shit.
Anyway, everyone’s probably freaking out about their Yahoo!-generated draft grades. Don’t worry about it. Those are basically useless. The only metrics they care about are their pre-draft rankings, which aren’t that good anyway. Let’s see who they happened to rank the highest…
… NEVER MIND!!! THIS HIGHLY-RESPECTED SYSTEM CLEARLY SHOWS THAT I, AS ALWAYS, HAVE THE SUPERIOR FOOTBALL MIND! IT’S SET IN STONE THAT I WILL DOMINATE THIS SEASON! I SHOULD BE GIVEN THE TROPHY NOW TO SAVE US THE TROUBLE!
Let’s go over some of the picks anyway. I’m not doing all 15 rounds, but I will do the first five.
ROUND 1:
I, with the totally randomly given first overall pick, smartly selected the top ranked David Johnson to power what will surely be the top offense in the league. C’s Champion Team (change your damn name already, Chriss) followed that up with Aaron Rodgers, because taking a QB second overall in the most QB-diverse and passing-preferred era in NFL history wasn’t a total reach at all. After Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown were snatched, the 49ers (really, Gee?) took arguably the best receiver in football, then immediately started talking trades, despite the fact that more than half the league hadn’t drafted anyone yet and the teams who had only had one player on their roster. This kind of thing should be expected from Tyler “Billy Beane” Gee, but this was a new low. The rest of the first round pretty much went as expected.
ROUND 2:
No QBs were taken in this round, which was a bit surprising. Dixie Normous (whose name Jimmy literally could not stop laughing at during the entire draft) started it with DeMarco Murray, while WRs-R-Us lived up to his name and picked A.J. Green. Lord Sandwich said to Chriss, “lettuce both have major reaches at the top of the draft” by selecting Marshawn Lynch, pissing off almost all of the Raiders fans still to pick. Though they had RBs on their minds, their strategy had to change. Show Me Your TDs! chose Ezekiel Elliott (more on him later), while Wild Hogs made Christian McCaffrey the first rookie to be picked. In the end, it was a perfect six/six split between RBs and WRs in the second round.
ROUND 3:
The no-QB streak was finally snapped with my selection of Tom Brady, which, coupled with my second round choice of Brandin Cooks, is a deadly combination that will lead the Birds of War to glory. A couple more rookie RBs came off the board, with Greater Fools auto-drafting Leonard Fournette and Show Me Your TDs! nabbing Dalvin Cook. TEs made their first appearances on roster sheets this round when Gronk was taken by the 49ers and Travis Kelce was selected by Fred Sanford (Dummy). Jop Suey!!! picked Isaiah Crowell, a Cleveland Brown, making Taylor a braver man than I. Dixie Normous capped off the third round by making Drew Brees the third QB drafted.
ROUND 4:
When a player is taken in the supplemental draft, it’s not saying much about their prospects. When that QB is traded by the then-bad Raiders, and then cut, it’s saying even less. When that QB switches to WR and becomes a team’s best receiver, it’s saying a lot, but not if that team is the Browns. So, naturally, Dixie Normous made Terrelle Pryor the first player drafted in the fourth round! Lord Sandwich made the “everyone’s going to hate this pick because it’s the Dallas Cowboys’ QB” pick by selecting Dak Prescott. Footballdamus obviously saw a major switch back to success for Adrian Peterson by choosing him.
ROUND 5:
Thanks for reminding me Michael Crabtree was still available, Gee! Chriss snagged Doug Martin even though he’s suspended for the first part of the season. Riez got a bit of redemption when he snagged the defending NFL MVP Matt Ryan as his QB. Good luck dealing with all the 28-3 jokes. Three of the last four picks of the fifth wound were receivers, though, oddly, the only team that didn’t choose a WR was, in fact, WRs-R-Us, who opted for Marcus Mariota instead.
Overall, it was an entertaining draft. Let’s break down some reaches, as well as some sleeper picks.
REACHES:
QB, Aaron Rodgers (R1, P2 — C’s Champion Team): A-a-ron might be the best QB in football, but passing on the opportunity to take top position players like Antonio Brown, Le’Veon Bell, and Julio Jones to take him second overall? That’s a bit of a stretch, considering the production difference won’t likely be as high between Rodgers and other top QBs. Rodgers will probably win the MVP, though, because of this rating alone.
WR, Terrelle Pryor (R4, P1 — Dixie Normous): As I mentioned, being a statistical leader on the Browns is like being the Padres’ lone All Star — you happen to be the best player on one of the worst teams in the league. Look forward to him getting bitchslapped by Landon Collins twice a year.
RB, Doug Martin (R5, P2 — C’s Champion Team): Suspended for the first four games of the season for Adderall (a suspension extended thanks to Mother Nature), and not guaranteed a starting role when he returns. There’s a reason Chriss finished in last place last year.
RB, Spencer Ware (R11, P2 — Show Me Your TDs!): He’s going to miss the season with a torn PCL. Why was he drafted in the first place?STEALS:
QB, Tom Brady (R3, P1 — Birds of War): Arguably the best QB in football being available in the third round was a shock. But pairing him with his top WR doubles his effectiveness and point-getting capabilities.
WR, Michael Crabtree (R5, P1 — Birds of War): He may be the Raiders’ second receiver, but he’s a part of arguably the top offense in the NFL. He will get his looks, and will get Birds of War plenty of touchdowns.
WR, DeSean Jackson (R8, P12 — Birds of War): A change of scenery can only do wonders for a guy who’s still one of the fastest players in all of football. Plus, Mike Evans takes away the defense’s top CB. Another crafty pick by Birds of War.
TE, Jason Witten (R12, P12 — Birds of War): While he has never caught 10 touchdowns in a single season and only surpassed 1,000 receiving yards four times in 15 seasons, Jason Witten will have a career year because I drafted him.
THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES
At last, our long national nightmare is over. Yes, the nuclear end of the world could be near thanks to North Korea, literal nazis are on the streets, the whole DACA thing, half the county is on fire, the other half is being hit by hurricanes, and Donald Trump is still our president. But…
OH THANK GOD!!! I was not ready to see SeaBass go, whether it be to a different team or to retirement. The Polish Cannon remains locked and loaded!
Meanwhile, in much less relevant news…
Hurricane Irma, which is expected to be more powerful than the Harvey storm that send so much water into the Houston area the Earth’s crust was actually pushed down by the weight of the flooding, could hit Florida and the surrounding areas soon. As a result, the NFL has canceled the Week 1 game between the Miami Dolphins and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, which was scheduled to be played Sunday in Miami. That game has now been rescheduled for Week 11. This means any players on the Dolphins or Bucs will not be playing this week, so get them out of your lineups, or else suffer the pain of not getting any points from one of your spots. I also can’t wait to have to write about Irma, in addition to the aforementioned world-ending stuff, at work all this week.
But, guess who will play Week 1?
Congrats to Arik! Well, sort of. Ezekiel Elliott has been cleared to play Sunday against the New York Giants, though his six-game suspension was still upheld. There’s a restraining order involved. It’s complicated. Look here for more info.
Speaking of complicated…
Oh boy. There was an incident in Las Vegas after the Mayweather-McGregor fight involving gunfire. In the chaos, police detained Michael Bennett for a period of time. Bennett gave his version of what happened, accusing the officers of excessive force and racial profiling. The Las Vegas Police Dept. says those accusations are untrue and they’re reviewing what happened, though apparently the officer’s body camera was turned off. The Seattle Seahawks, Roger Goodell, and DeMaurice Smith have publicly supported Bennett. This could get uglier before things are resolved.
Good news for Brian and his army of Buffalo Bills! Bills fans can now look forward to Tyrod Taylor slinging touchdowns to… um… who exactly are Buffalo’s receivers again? Maybe Kyle, our resident wide receiver expert, can help me out? Goodness the Bills are going to be terrible this year. But, it could be worse.
There were also a bunch of roster cuts and signings I’m not getting into, mostly because I’m already tired of writing this newsletter. But one I will bring up is the Denver Broncos releasing three-time Pro Bowl CB T.J. Ward. It’s a surprising move to say the least, one which has reportedly pissed off the Broncos locker room, not that I’m complaining.
Ward (now on the Bucs) isn’t the only notable CB wearing new colors this year, with Joe Haden signing with the Pittsburgh Steelers after being released by the Cleveland Browns. This totally isn’t going to backfire on Cleveland any way. No way a pissed off Haden has a resurgence with the Steelers, who are now starting the apparent second coming of Jesus over James Harrison. It’s not like this week could go any worse for the Browns…
… oh. Well, at least the Cavs won the title last year.
How is this not a bigger deal than it is right now? A pretty-much-consensus Top 5 defensive player is threatening to not play this season because of his contract, a contract with an NFL team in freaking Los Angeles. If Von Miller’s Old Spice ass was in this same scenario, it’d be the front page news daily. Are the Rams that bad? Apparently so. But still, this could have major ramifications soon, especially if Donald ends up leaving the Rams altogether once this is all said and done.
I once saw James Jones fumble, recover the ball, then fumble again during the same play, in person. He also led the Raiders in catches and receiving touchdowns that season. Praise Reggie for turning that dumpster fire of a team around.
While we’re on the subject of dumpster fires…
The Seahawks unveiled a new alternate logo, which is basically their current logo looking forward. I really don’t know what else to say other than it looks terrible, like a 15-year-old submitted a late night DeviantArt project as an assignment for an elective class. I guess it’s fitting, considering 15 is the average age of their fan base.
Finally… FINALLY! The season is here! The New England Patriots, fresh off A̶t̶l̶a̶n̶t̶a̶’̶s̶ ̶u̶n̶b̶e̶l̶i̶e̶v̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ ̶c̶h̶o̶k̶e̶ ̶j̶o̶b̶ their Super Bowl LI win, open up the 2017-18 NFL schedule against the Kansas City Chiefs tonight. It’s been a long, long offseason, but we made it. Now we get to see the Pats roll KC on their way to their upteenth division title in a row, unless the Jets (lol), Bills (lol), or Smokin’ Jay Cutler have something to say about it. Or if Andy Reid can out-coach Bill Belichick…
DUES TALLY
You know what’s more annoying than someone constantly nagging you for money? Being commissioner of a league where only a THIRD of participants turn in their $40 dues on time. Here are the good little angels who have some responsibility:
Ruben: $40
Nick: $40
Tyler G: $40
Kyle: $40
And here are the guys who I’m gonna bug until they pay me:
Brian: zero
Taylor: zip
Jeff: zilch
Chriss: nothing
Tyler E: nada
Jimmy: bupkis
Riez: diddly
Arik: jack
The only one with some excuse is Ewing, with him living with all the plastic surgery-laced, $300 jean wearing, purse dog carrying, asshole surfer bro laker fans down in SoCal. Have it ready when I visit next weekend. As for the rest of you, you know what to do.
STAT OF THE WEEK
Casual reminder I won my work league two years ago with Ba-la-ke as my starter. Garbage time touchdowns, baby!
Also:
Link to donate: https://www.youcaring.com/victimsofhurricaneharvey-915053
THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS
FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (0-0) VS. WRS-R-US (0-0)
The defending champ kicks off the 2017 season against the league newcomer. Both are starting mobile QBs (Tyrod Taylor and Marcus Mariota) against suspect defenses (Jets and Raiders). Brian’s odds were dealt a bit of a hit with Ezekiel Elliott’s one-game return, considering Elliot’s backup, Darren McFadden, is his starter. Four of his other starters are Bills. Hmm… Bills… four… there’s a joke to be made somewhere. Anyway, if Melvin Gordon and T.Y. Hilton get hot for Kyle, it could be a rough start to a potential repeat.
JOP SUEY!!! (0-0) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-0)
Two games will play the biggest role in deciding this matchup, The Saints-Vikings game will feature Nick’s QB (Drew Brees) going up against Taylor’s defense (Minnesota), while the dangerous Stefon Diggs faces New Orleans’ non-frightening defense. Meanwhile, the Raiders showcase both Taylor’s QB (Derek Carr) and Nick’s defense. How that game plays out will likely shift the scores early.
BIRDS OF WAR (0-0) VS. 49ERS (0-0)
This is bullshit. Gee’s in Japan for two weeks, so I can’t talk shit to him. Plus, he’s on vacation, so this’ll be the last thing on his mind. Whatever. This is projected to be the highest scoring matchup of the week. I’ll be hoping for plenty of touchdowns by Tom Brady, though not to Gronk, who’s Gee’s TE. Throw those to Brandin Cooks, please! Plus, Gee has both Russell Wilson and the Seahawks defense, so if Seattle does well against Green Bay, the better for him. But if the Packers get on a roll at home, good for me.
GREATER FOOLS (0-0) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (0-0)
Hurricane Irma did neither team any favors. Jeff’s QB (Jameis Winston) and Riez’s starting WR (Mike Evans) and TE (O.J. Howard) are all on Tampa Bay, whose Week 1 game against Miami was postponed due to the storm. However, Riez currently has no backup TE. Matt Ryan may not be enough to make up the difference against a lineup featuring Le’Veon Bell, Doug Baldwin, and Leonard Fournette.
LORD SANDWICH (0-0) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (0-0)
If those two thought they had it bad, they should check out Chriss’ roster, which features three players from teams in the postponed Florida Bowl. Chriss had better hope A-a-ron comes through against the Seahawks. Meanwhile, Ewing has to hope any points the Raiders get against the Titans comes through the running game. His starting RB (Marshawn Lynch) is going up against his defense. On top of that, Chriss has Amari Cooper as another threat to Ewing’s defense.
WILD HOGS (0-0) VS. SHOW ME YOUR TDS! (0-0)
This may have been the projected highest scoring matchup had Jimmy’s flex player, DeVante Parker, not had his game postponed due to Irma. However, the loss of Parker could be canceled out by that of Odell Beckham Jr., whose status for Sunday is up in the air. But, Arik is getting a boost from the one-game return of Ezekiel Elliott. We’ll see whether or not Elliott and Kirk Cousins can outshine Cam Newton and Antonio Brown, both of whom are going up against weak defenses (San Francisco and Cleveland, respectively).
Just a few more hours left until the new season kicks off! Who will take home the trophy this year? Will there a first-time winner, or will someone be the first to claim it for a second time? Also, will Chriss not finish last this time? We’re still waiting on that makeup pic!
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner
Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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