Ruben's Writings

Happy New Year, you neanderthals!

2025 has come and gone, and we are officially in the year of our Lord (Kenyan Drake) 2026. We’ve got quite the year ahead of us, but before I get into that, we have to put one last bow on the year we’ve just left behind. 

It seems like it’s just been a few blinks of an eye since we began this latest fantasy football campaign. But it’s been nearly four months since the NFL season began, and more than that since we gathered by our devices to decide which players would make up our rosters. This has been quite a memorable season, with ultimately little separating the vast majority of teams when all was said and done. This was largely due to the unpredictability of the NFL season. In the NFC, could anyone have predicted the Chicago Bears and Carolina Panthers to be division winners, while the likes of the Detroit Lions and Tampa Bay Buccaneers miss out on the playoffs entirely? In the AFC, we flashed back to the mid-2000’s, with the New England Patriots, Denver Broncos, Jacksonville Jaguars, and Los Angeles Chargers among the top contenders. Hell, the Indianapolis Colts were the best team in the league, with an injury to MVP candidate Daniel Jones derailing their season, in spite of the best efforts of 44-year-old grandfather Philip Rivers (imagine telling an NFL fan that at the end of 2024). While the likes of Bo Nix and Drake Maye battle for conference supremacy, the likes of Joe Burrow and Lamar Jackson are out of it.

But by far the biggest surprise of the NFL season has been the complete and utter downfall of the Kansas City Chiefs. It’s been the one story I’ve neglected to devote significant time to across this season’s newsletters, if only because I was afraid that my acknowledgement would end up reverse-jinxing things back to normal. But now that their fate is sealed, I can finally revel in the schadenfreude that began with their complete ass-whooping in Super Bowl LIX. The hate watching this season was glorious, with the Chiefs following up their 15-2 bullshit campaign from 2024 by starting 2025 0-2. It didn’t really get any better, as while the defense played pretty damn well, the offense was incredibly out-of-sync all year. After years of somehow pulling wins out of their ass and getting every single lucky break, the Chiefs’ fortune pulled a complete 180. No matter what happens this weekend, 2025 will mark Kansas City’s first season with a losing record under Andy Reid (and the first since 2012) and the first without either a division title or playoff appearance in the Pat Mahomes era. Not only that, but Mahomes himself tore his ACL. If things seemed unable to get worse, the Chiefs then announced they would be leaving the third-oldest stadium in the NFL in 2031, abandoning Arrowhead for a future site in Kansas. This may have been the season from Hell for Chiefs fans.

In response to all of this — the suffering of the Chiefs and their fans, as well as the resoundingly joyful glee of the rest of the NFL in their implosion — I have one thing to say: you’re welcome!

Cast your minds back to that late August evening, as we gathered for the annual draft. As we were getting set to decide our teams, we learned the order in which we would make our selections. To the horror of everyone, Yahoo! had randomly selected me to receive the first overall pick. I mean everyone — while the rest of you were pissed at the defending champion getting the top pick, I was upset because I knew what I had to do, although I didn’t like it. I knew at that moment I was not destined to go back-to-back, for my season had a greater purpose.

You see, this was the third time I had gotten the 1st overall pick in this league. In 2014, I chose Adrian Peterson, fresh off another stellar season. He proceeded to play one game, in which he talled 75 yards rushing and no TDs, and then missed the rest of the season after being indicted on child abuse charges. Then, in 2017, I selected David Johnson, who had burst onto the scene after an absolutely spectacular 2016 campaign. He proceeded to play one game, in which he tallied just 90 total yards and no TDs (while losing a fumble), and then missed the rest of the season after dislocating his wrist. While that did inspire my first rant in what was just the second ever newsletter (click here if you want an absolute throwback), it also instilled in me a belief that I was cursed with the 1st overall pick, that I wielded a terrible power that doomed whoever I selected to have a miserable season. I vowed that I would use my powers for good next time, joking out loud several times that if I did end up in that position again, I would take Pat Mahomes in an attempt to derail Kansas City’s dynasty.

Well, look what happened this year. Not only did I get the top pick, but I proved to be a man of my word by indeed taking Mahomes. What happened? While Mahomes actually managed to play more than one game, the football gods honored my commitment by putting him and the Chiefs through the worst year of his career. Across his entire time as a starter, 2025 was Mahomes’ worst or nearly worst year by a large margin across every major QB statistic. It seemed at times like his WRs were dropping the ball on purpose, refusing to bail him out. But there were other times when it was clear Mahomes was just not playing anywhere close to his standard. Altogether, it was the worst season of his career, capped off by the painful way it ended. While I certainly don’t wish injury upon any player or anyone for that matter, the fact that Mahomes ended up tearing his ACL was the bloody cherry on top of the shit sundae. 

What could possibly explain a QB GOAT candidate and the three-time defending AFC champs to wall off a cliff in this shocking fashion? It can only be the curse of Ruben and the 1st overall pick! Screw regression to the mean or other logical theories. After years of joking about it and then actually making the Mahomes pick with the intent of ruining the Chiefs’ season, only for it to actually happen, is a true sign that I am indeed cursed. But instead of wallowing in my self-pity, I decided to sacrifice myself for the greater good (like I said in the Week 1 newsletter), throwing away my chance to repeat so the NFL as a whole could be saved. The Antarcticans even leeched some of the Chiefs’ voodoo from them, finishing atop the regular season standings as a result. I mean come on — is it a coincidence that Mahomes’ season-ending injury took place the same week in which I got eliminated? No — I had simply served my purpose. For that, I don’t expect to receive much thanks from you ingrates. I just ask that you take a second to acknowledge the true hero of this season, as the Antarcticans are awaited in Valhalla.

Now then, how did this topsy-turvy season end up playing out, anyway?

(cue theme music)

EPIC BOWL XV RECAP

2. SPIDER 2 Y BANANA DEF. 8. LET ME WHISPER IN JAHMYR

93.92 – 84.98

Given the inherent randomness at the heart of fantasy football, it’s rare for anything close to a narrative thread to weave itself into the season. It’s something that seems like it has to be planned, which is impossible in this kind of game. But that’s what happened in this year’s playoffs, with two main characters at its core. The first was Nick, who managed to not only take down both the top seed and the top scorer back-to-back, but make it look easy in the process. Let Me Whisper in Jahmyr had come within a mere handful of points from not even making the playoffs, yet put up a combined 290 points in the first two rounds to earn a spot in the Epic Bowl and a shot at joining the champion’s club. The face of Nick’s Cinderella run was someone no one could’ve expected: Kyle Pitts. While it ultimately wouldn’t have made a difference if he scored nothing, the 34 points he put up (he can still go fuck himself for that), Pitts became a symbol of Nick’s team peaking at the perfect time, ready to complete the greatest ever playoff run.

With both No. 1 seed and regular season top scorer left in his wake, the one remaining obstacle standing in Nick’s way was perhaps the best hybrid of each of them. Spider 2 Y Banana finished as the No. 2 seed (and was honestly unlucky to be No. 1) and the Top 3 in the scoring charts. On paper, Jimmy might’ve had the most loaded roster in the whole league. However, despite a dominant quarter-final performance, Jimmy’s seemed to be showing some weakness. Although he put up a solid if not spectacular showing in the semi-finals, it was mainly due to Arik (who ended up surpassing all expectations by ending up on the podium) having his worst output of the playoffs that Jimmy ended up reaching the Epic Bowl. That was partially due to the player who powered me to the title last year, Lamar Jackson, getting injured. More bad news for Jimmy: Jackson would be out for the Epic Bowl, leaving Jimmy with a major decision. His choice would prove to be the difference in who would end up with the trophy at the end of the weekend.

Christmas came early for Jimmy, who got on the board first thanks to Javonte Williams, though a shoulder injury limited his production. Then, Jimmy snuffed out Nick’s excitement over Bo Nix’s 20-point effort by R.J. Harvey being on the end of his last TD. More bad news came for Nick in the form of Cameron Dicker missing both a FG and extra point (compared to Ka’imi Fairbairn’s productive day). To cap off the pre-Sunday slate, Josh Jacobs was absolutely ineffective, scoring even fewer points than Roquan Smith. It seemed Jimmy had gained the edge, but as the league woke up for Sunday’s showings, we discovered a potentially title-deciding last-minute change. With Jackson on the sidelines, Jimmy had put in Aaron Rodgers at QB. But when the early games began, Rodgers had been replaced by Tyler Shough, who Jimmy had added the night before. Going for a rookie on a losing team over a future HOFer on a potential playoff team was a massive move, especially if the Epic Bowl ended up being a close, low-scoring affair.

Turns out, starting Shough over Rodgers was a brilliant call, with the rookie putting up 14 more points than the vet. That being said, a lot of Shough’s production came courtesy of Chris Olave, who (along with the Saints defense) kept Nick in it. The contest would turn out to be low-scoring after all — despite the likes of Saquon Barkley, Jaxon Smith-Njigba, Ashton Jeanty, Nico Collins, Jakobi Meyers, Zaire Franklin, and the Patriots defense (playing the Jets), Jimmy couldn’t pull away and Nick couldn’t kickstart a complete comeback. That being said, a late TD by Trey McBride seemingly gave Jimmy a large enough lead. But a late TD by Jauan Jennings Sunday night cut that lead in half, with Nick needing 11 points Monday night to win the title. It all came down to the man who unexpectedly dropped 34 points in the first game of the fantasy playoffs: Kyle Pitts. With Nick needing one more good game, Pitts instead reverted back to his usual, disappointing self. Nick’s run ended at the final hurdle, as Jimmy at long last returned to the top.

Like last year, allow me to look into a few alternate realities. Missing from the playoff picture was Chirss, who came within one point of victory in the final week and just four points in the final standings from being in the postseason. Let’s imagine what would’ve happened if that was different. If Chriss had gotten that one extra point and beaten Dad, he would’ve risen all the way to the No. 3 seed (which is insane in itself), Nick would’ve been eliminated, and the 4-8 seeds would’ve been (in order) Emilio, Kyle, Dad, Arik, Richard. Calculating Chriss’ total from his final roster and assuming the rest of the rosters play out as they did in real life, I would’ve beaten Richard, Jimmy would’ve beaten Arik, Dad would’ve beaten Chriss, and Kyle (like in real life) would’ve beaten Emilio. Adding another Ruben-Kyle semi-final matchup to the list, I would’ve come out on top and faced Dad in the first Epic Bowl between father and son. What’s more, Dad would’ve finally bested me in fantasy football and earned his first championship. Now let’s say instead, Chriss managed rope in Nick and got the No. 8 seed instead, setting up another hypothetical playoff matchup with me in the process. Contrary to his own calculations in the group chat after the quarter-finals, I would’ve barely emerged victorious. I would’ve beaten Kyle in the semi-finals, although Jimmy (the bottom half of the bracket unchanged) would’ve still made the Epic Bowl and taken me down in the process. So in a sense, I should’ve finished at least second, Jimmy has a legit title claim in all realities, and Dad remains without a real title. 

BEST & WORST OF THE PLAYOFFS

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: Ordinarily, a No. 8 seed coming less than ten points away from the title would’ve been a lock for this award alone. Nick does in fact get it, with big help from Kyle Pitts, who gets the player’s version of this as well. But I don’t want to neglect the run Arik went on. Despite having a roster so banged up he changed its name to reflect it, Arik somehow managed to finish third.

WORST: I can bitch about Kyle Pitts as much as I want, but even if he finished in the negatives, I still would’ve lost to Nick in the quarter-finals. Sure, Nick played well and deserved the win. But my roster completely shat the bed, and anytime the No.1 seed gets eliminated early in the playoffs, it’s worthy of being mocked as an unexpectedly bad performance. See, I’m objective!

TRANSACTION

BEST: Usually, I struggle to fill this particular spot. But not only did I have no trouble this time, the winner of this award may have pulled off the most clutch transaction in Epic League history. I am of course talking about Jimmy’s Saturday night addition of Tyler Shough, who proved enough of a positive swing that his addition to the lineup was literally the difference in the title game.

WORST: Although this move didn’t impact the end result or final finish in the standings, I have to highlight the objectively worse transaction of the playoffs. That would be Arik being the latest to fall for the catnip that is Taysom Hill (who might be this generation’s Josh Gordon. Hill put up a goose egg while Isaac TeSlaa (who was dropped by Arik for Hill) scored nearly 12 points.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: No but seriously, this one decision changed who won the championship this year. Aaron Rodgers has proven that he’s still capable this year. That being said, he was inconsistent and going up against a strong defense. Jimmy’s gamble on matchup and run of form paid off, as Rodgers put up just seven points compared to the 21 scored by his replacement, Tyler Shough.

WORST: This one could also be in the Transaction category, but it’s worth putting here as well. Knowing Jimmy had questions at QB, Nick could’ve pulled the ultimate punkass (but still legal) move of adding as many free agent QBs as he could so Jimmy wouldn’t get them. Shough might’ve been one of those QBs, preventing the move that won Jimmy the championship.

LUCK

BEST: Let’s see, Nick tied his season high in scoring and took advantage of the No. 1 seed shitting the bed in the quarter-finals, and then beat that season-high scoring mark in order to take down the highest-scoring team. Plus, you can make an argument that Kyle Pitts of all people was Nick’s best player during his playoff run. Yeah, all of that takes quite a fair bit of luck.

WORST: Besides Nick, the person who scored the most points out of every playoff participant was Kyle. True to form, Kyle followed his finish as the top scorer in the regular season with a combined 257 points in the first two rounds. But he still lost in the semi-finals due to Nick going nuclear. To end it all, he doesn’t even get his money back by falling apart in the 3rd place game.

A PROPER PUNISHMENT

Going into the season, I decided to run back the beer mile last place punishment due to Richard not only taking forever to get it done, but somehow did even worse at actually completing the punishment than he did competing in fantasy football the previous year. I hoped that whoever finished last this year would actually redeem both themselves and the concept of the last place punishment. Unfortunately, she did absolutely nothing. However, her husband swooped in and showed everyone exactly how it’s done.

That’s right, after Richard waited until days before the season to half-ass his beer mile, Ewing had not only already completed the punishment on behalf of his wife, but sent my video of his efforts. He also posted the stats from his route, which took him around his apartment complex. Those videos can be seen below.

Well done, Ewing! Drumroll please for the final stats…

Having no context on how well the average person can run a beer mile, I’m impressed by the effort regardless. I am a bit confused at how a beer mile turned into a beer mile-and-a-quarter — maybe that counted Ewing pacing around as he tried to drink. Rounding down that 11-minute time to what it would’ve been for an exact mile, the final time would be around 9:40. Honestly, doing a beer mile in under ten minutes (at least being on pace for it) is an accomplishment. In fact, I’m not even sure Chriss’ superior running ability could make up for the discrepancy in drinking ability between the two. A cursory Google search led me to discover the beer mile world record is 4:28 — more than twice as fast as Ewing’s pace. If you all want to try to beat Ewing’s time, go for it. Oh, and in case you were wondering, Ewing used Miller Lite.

By the way, in case Aly thought she was getting out of this without any form of punishment, I’ve linked a video of Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane squaring off for the first time, each no longer on the Chicago Blackhawks.

With the beer mile properly completed, now we have to switch to a new last place punishment for next season. I’m not looking forward to dealing with that again. Oh well — future Ruben’s problem. Anyway, let’s look back at other drink-based punishments throughout the season.

FINAL DRINK PUNISHMENT TRACKER:

1. Aly (125.16) –> Nick (68.34) [Buzzballz of Nick’s choice]*
2. Emilio (128.00) –> Aly (68.32) [Southern Tier Pumpking Imperial Pumpkin Ale]**
3. Ewing (155.94) –> Richard (81.44) [Boilermaker]***
4. Nick (132.84) –> Arik (69.06) [Happy Dad Seltzer]
5. Kyle (123.82) –> Riaz (87.40) [Shot of Fireball]****
6. Ruben (133.28) –> Riaz (66.26) [Sake Bomb]****
7. Nick (141.86) –> Riaz (49.46) [Coors Light]****
8. Chriss (142.98) –> Arik (66.98) [Golden State Cider]
9. Chriss (133.80) –> Emilio (59.22) [Twisted Tea]
10. Emilio (153.88) –> Chriss (64.50) [Alesmith Speedway Stout]*****
11. Richard (126.52) –> Chriss (57.14) [Sierra Nevada Pale Ale]
12. Ruben (123.88) –> Aly (83.72) [Hangar 24 Orange Wheat]
13. Ruben (140.34) –> Aly (63.92) [Shot of Whiskey]******
14. Arik (134.54) –> Ewing (75.30) [Lagunitas Maximus Hazy IPA]
15. Jimmy (156.40) –> Richard (79.66) [Shot of Tequila]*******
16. Nick (149.98) –> Emilio (57.72) [Happy Dad]
17. Richard (112.28) –> Kyle (75.78) [Russian River Pliny The Elder]

* Nick chose Watermelon Splash — two of them for some reason

** Aly was offered a choice between that and Altamont Maui Waui IPA

*** Richard consumed a shot of tequila and a glass of beer separately, despite a Boilermaker being a shot of whiskey dropped into a glass of beer and chugged. However, Ewing accepted the alternative, so Richard’s punishment was considered fulfilled

**** The punishment was delayed until November due to Riaz partaking in Sober October

***** Chriss had a choice between that and Victoria Vicky Chamoy

****** Aly was allowed to choose whichever whiskey she wanted

******* Richard got to choose whichever tequila he wanted, but had to take two shots in order to have his punishment delayed until he could get his hands on free tequila

Speaking of drinking…

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

The ultimate Tank Bowl has concluded, and unless something goes terribly wrong, the Las Vegas Raiders will be on the clock following Week 18. For many fans, this has made all of the suffering, all of the losing, all of the suckiness worth it in the end. This is undisputedly the worst Raiders team in at least 19 years, with this latest loss to the depleted but still ass New York Giants putting Las Vegas in prime position to pick first in the NFL draft. True, the Raiders were also depleted, but not enough to justify a three-score beatdown by the second-worst team in the league (and at home no less). 

Still, at least this secures the biggest piece in the rebuild that will surely end with the Raiders returning to glory at long last, right?

Oh my sweet summer child, where do I begin?

One of the worst Raiders teams of my lifetime. Absolutely dog crap QB play was made even worse behind a porous offensive line that limited the running game. The team’s best WR traded mid-season and the team’s best overall player, Maxx Crosby, was largely by himself on an ultimately disappointing defense. A coach making terrible decisions and probably not lasting past his first year in charge. A growing sense of fan disappointment as opposing supporters keep filling up our stadium and the Raiders get dominated by the rest of the division, with one of our rivals sitting atop the AFC.

All of these were true and major complaints… on this day last year. The fact that there has been such an overhaul of on-field and off-field personnel and not only are all of the above issues still true, but some have gotten even worse, is so embarrassing it should be the main argument towards the Raiders being chosen if the NFL ever decided to contract teams.

To think I ever felt any sense of optimism going into this season. To think that some of that optimism felt justified after Week 1, when the Raiders beat the New England Patriots on the road in what has to be the most improbable result this season in hindsight. But since then, there’s just been one more win (at home over the also lowly Tennessee Titans) and several humiliating losses. Those include defeats to Shedeur Sanders in his first career start, 30+ point ass-whoopings to the Indianapolis Colts and the worst Kansas City Chiefs team of the past decade, a loss in which a Jayden Daniels-less Washington Commanders squad dropped 41 points, and Sunday’s three-score loss to a 3-13 Giants squad.

So, what the hell has gotten wrong? Well, the Raiders went from trying to replicate the Patriots dynasty to trying to replicate the Seahawks dynasty that never actually happened. Pete Carroll has led an influx of ex-Seattle staff and players, most notably Geno Smith on a large deal. Smith has pulled a complete 180 from his tenure in Seattle, which was a complete 180 from his time with the New York Jets. I might take the Jets version of Smith over how he’s played in Las Vegas, leading the NFL in INTs and making even the biggest haters miss Derek Carr. While Smith doesn’t have a true No. 1 WR and lost the best on the roster (Jakobi Meyers) in a trade, he still had Brock Bowers, who put together the GOAT rookie TE season last year with Aidan O’Connell and Gardner Minshew at QB). 

Without a reliable passing game, it was damn near impossible to get the running game going. But any running game would struggle to do well behind an offensive line so injured and terrible that we collectively might be able to block better than them. That’s how we get Ashton Jeanty — probably the best offensive rookie in the league — constantly stuffed in the backfield and frustrated. Jeanty has had several games (often in losing efforts) where he shows his tremendous potential. But unless the offensive line gets its shit together, the Raiders will lose him like the Giants lost Saquon Barkley two years ago. 

Damn near every issue can be traced back to Pete Carroll, who everyone thought would bring some much-needed stability and championship experience to Las Vegas. However, it seems like the Raiders got the pre-USC version of Carroll. Besides Smith — who has perhaps been the least valuable member of the team — Carroll has brought former Seahawks players Tyler Lockett, Jamal Adams, and Stone Forsythe to the Raiders. None of them have done jack, though they might be more valuable than offensive line coach Brennan Carrol, Pete’s son. How Brennan — as well as his brother and fellow assistant Nate Carroll — haven’t been fired can be explained by their last names. It’s either nepotism or retreads like Greg Olson, who replaced the fired Chip Kelly — the most expensive coordinator in NFL history.

No one could’ve imagined Carroll and Co. would not just be bad, but screw things up so much that the plug could be pulled after Year 1. Given that Mark Davis only hires coaches who had gigs when his dad died (and has been doing so poorly that he’s made late-life Al look competent by comparison), even if Carroll is fired, I’m terrified his replacement would be even worse.

Still, the truth can’t be denied. This is undisputedly the worst Raiders team since 2006, when their record also fell to 2-14. Back then, that was good enough to secure the top overall pick in what would prove to be an absolutely stacked 2007 draft class. I don’t need to tell you who the Raiders took with that pick, and the shitshow that unfolded in the years to come. Even if the Raiders lose (which we want), they’ll finish 2-15, the second-worst record in team history. The only worse season is the 1962 season in which the Raiders finished with a franchise low 1-13 mark. That’s so long ago, it was before Al Davis joined the organization.

Let’s not forget that while many fans are celebrating the 1st overall pick, the Raiders technically haven’t secured that position yet. If Las Vegas loses to a Pat Mahomes-less Kansas City Chiefs squad (who just got blown out by the Tennessee Titans) and the Giants fall to the Dallas Cowboys (primed to play well because they’re out of playoff contention), then even after beating the Raiders, New York will still get the top pick. Given that Crosby was forcefully left out of the Giants game (the fallout from that is still growing), there’s a non-zero chance the Raiders just ruined their relationship with their best player for nothing.

But let’s say the Raiders do luck out and don’t screw it all up. What happens then? Well, everyone and their mother is predicting Fernando Mendoza to be taken first. It makes sense, as Mendoza won the Heisman Trophy and is the best player on the best team in the country. That being said, let’s not forget that Mendoza came out on top in the worst Heisman race in memory, and Indiana has only beaten one team currently ranked all season (this is being published before the Hoosiers face Alabama in the Rose Bowl today). That would be Ohio State in the Big Ten title game, in which Mendoza finished with 222 yards and a TD and INT. 

(EDIT: I somehow completely forgot about Indiana also defeated Oregon on the road, 30-20, in a game which saw Mendoza throw for 215 yards and a TD and INT)

I have actually seen Mendoza play before — he was Cal’s starting QB when College Gameday came to town for their showdown with Miami. Mendoza was decent, finishing with 285 yards, two TDs, and an INT. But a lot of those yards came thanks to his WRs and Mendoza missed several throws that could’ve helped Cal hang on. In comparison, Cam Ward (two also had two TDs and an INT) threw for a whopping 437 yards (albeit on three times as many throws) and made the key plays (including a 24-yard TD run and a 77-yard run while backed up at his own 8-yard line with just over a minute remaining) to spur Miami’s improbable comeback run. During Gameday earlier that morning, there was a sign that read “Cam Ward, you are a Raider.” Turns out, that sign’s creator likely got the starting QB wrong.

Now, players can certainly approve year after year — even Joe Burrow threw just 16 TDs the season before he and LSU’s historic offense sent college football on fire. Mendoza has certainly improved since his move to Indiana and was a deserving Heisman winner. That being said, Indiana’s true strength appears to be the sum of its parts, added up by the incredible job Curt Cignetti has done with the program. Mendoza can certainly succeed in the NFL, but I think he’s similar to Alex Smith in that he can make a good team better, but not lift up a bad team by himself. Look at all of what’s wrong with the Raiders, and ask yourself if Mendoza is that big of a difference maker, especially without a true No. 1 WR to throw to. 

There will be tons of draft discourse in the months to come, and opinions will probably change a lot before the draft actually begins. Hell, the Raiders could still end up screwing it up and choosing second. That would likely mean taking Oregon’s Dante Moore, who ironically I believe is a better prospect than Mendoza, especially for where the Raiders are right now. It would also mean Moore would have to declare for the draft. If he doesn’t and the Raiders miss out on Mendoza, another two or three-win season is likely in 2026. 

I still can’t tell if the most Raiders outcome would be to beat the Chiefs and lose the top pick to the Giants even after losing to them, or desperately needing a QB and securing the top pick in the draft with the weakest QB class in at least six years. All of this, combined with the utter lack of confidence I have in the team’s drafting ability, the trauma from the last time the Raiders had the top overall pick, and the wounds still being felt from the many failed rebuilds that have come before, and I can’t even celebrate the one good part of my favorite team sucking. Nope, instead I just have to endure more suffering and hope the incompetent ownership does the football equivalent of a thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters replicate Shakespeare. 

Happy new year, I guess. At least I can fall back on the Sacramento Kings… oh are you fucking kidding me?

At least the San Jose Sharks have Macklin Celebrini.

STATS OF THE MONTH

For as terrible as the Raiders are and have been, at least I’m not a New York Jets fan.

These playoffs are going to be absolutely insane.

Watch the Green Bay Packers make a playoff run.

This might be one of the most surprising NFL stats I’ve ever seen.

Now, if you found this section to be surprisingly short and are looking for more stats, boy do i have the event for you.

This will be the most challenging, most diverse, and most unique Trivia Night yet. In fact, I’ve got such an insane plan in store that I’ll do something previously unthinkable: give you a hint as to what to expect: study up on those who have worn your favorite colors.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 NFL TEAMS THAT MISSED THE PLAYOFFS

I didn’t really have a good Top 10 option and, for reasons I will explain later, I didn’t have much energy to finish the newsletter after this past weekend. Thankfully, due to previous moments of inspiration, I have multiple evergreen Top 10 lists ready for use whenever needed. I picked this one because of the Detroit Lions and the insane way the NFC playoff picture is top heavy.

HONORABLE MENTION: 1962 LIONS/1963 PACKERS

If I included pre-Super Bowl era teams, these two would make the list. In 1962, the Lions went 11-3, with those three losses (all on the road) coming by a total of eight points. In fact, Detroit never trailed by more than seven at any point this season, a feat not repeated until the 2010 Packers (who won the Super Bowl). But, the Lions missed out on the playoffs thanks to the 13-1 Packers. Green Bay would know the feeling the following year, going 11-2-1 (without Paul Hornung for a year and Bart Starr for a month) but being left out by the 11-1-2 Chicago Bears.

HONORABLE MENTION: 1968 RAMS

In 1968, the Los Angeles Rams got off to a 6-0 start, outscoring their opponents 160-67. After a road loss to the Colts, the Rams went unbeaten in their next five games to improve to 10-1-1. Although they ended their season with two losses (by a combined five points), Los Angeles still finished with a 10-3-1 record, the third-best in the NFL that season. However, the Rams were not rewarded with a playoff spot. That’s because division rival Baltimore had the best record at 13-1 and got to the postseason (which only let in division winners). This will come up again.

HONORABLE MENTION: 1977 FALCONS

To say the 1977 Falcons’ offense was dogshit would be an insult to dogshit. Atlanta surpassed 19 points in just two games and saw QB play that would fail to be productive in an Army-Navy game. So why are these Falcons on this list? Atlanta’s defense in 1977, known as the “Grits Blitz,”  has an argument of being the best in NFL history. No NFL team has ever given up fewer points in a season (129) and the Grits Blitz allowed fewer points, and yards per game and had more turnovers per game than either the 1985 Chicago Bears or 2000 Baltimore Ravens. 

HONORABLE MENTION: 1978 CHARGERS

The Chargers started 1978 with a 1-3 record, with one of those losses being the Holy Roller. Then, head coach Tommy Prothro resigned. To replace him, the Chargers hired former San Diego State and St. Louis Cardinals head coach Don Coryell. Their fortunes immediately turned around, as they went 8-4 (including winning seven of their last eight games) to finish 9-7. San Diego’s turnaround was one game short of making the playoffs, but it’s worth pondering what would’ve happened if Coryell was in charge all season (they went 12-4 the following year). 

HONORABLE MENTION: 1976/1984 CARDINALS

From 1949-97, the Cardinals made the playoffs just twice. That number could have doubled, if not for the bad luck of the 1976 and 1984 squads. The 1976 Cardinals were the only NFC team to win at least ten games and miss the playoffs during a 14-game season, losing out on a tiebreaker to the Washington Redskins. In 1984, St. Louis had an amazing offense, finishing with 6,345 yards (the most in team history and third in the NFL that year) and 423 points (best in the NFL). But a late loss to Washington in the final game meant another tiebreaker fallout.

10. 2002 MIAMI DOLPHINS

Fun fact: no team in NFL history has missed the playoffs in ten-win seasons more than the Miami Dolphins (four times). But none of those teams make the list. Instead, it’s the 2002 Dolphins, who went 9-7. Miami was led by the newly acquired Ricky Williams, whose 16-TD, 1,853-yard season was by far the best of his career. With Williams and the 4th-highest scoring defense, the Dolphins got off to a strong start. But things hit a snag when QB Jay Fielder broke his thumb, with Miami stumbling in six games started by backup Ray Lucas. Fielder returned and led the Dolphins to a win over the eventual AFC Champion Oakland Raiders (that felt weird to type). At 9-5, Miami essentially needed to win just one of its last two games to clinch the AFC East. But a loss to the 4-10 Minnesota Vikings thanks to a last-minute FG was followed by a collapse against the New England Patriots, who trailed by 11 with five minutes to play. The Jets, Patriots, and Dolphins finished 9-7, with New York making the playoffs on a tiebreaker.

9. 1989 WASHINGTON REDSKINS

Another fun fact: there are only five instances in NFL history of a team having three WRs with 1,000 yards in a single season. The only one of those teams to not make the playoffs are the 1989 Washington Redskins. “The Posse” of Art Monk, Ricky Sanders, and Gary Clark each surpassed the four-digit mark, thanks to an emerging Mark Rypien. Although Washington was seemingly mediocre with a 5-6 record, they won their last five games to finish 10-6 and without a doubt would have been a dark horse contender had they made the playoffs (the team ahead of them, the Los Angeles Rams, ended up reaching the NFC title game). Unfortunately for them, the NFC was absolutely loaded that season, with seven teams winning at least ten games. Although 10-6 would’ve been good enough to win the NFC Central that year, it was only enough to finish third in the NFC East, behind the 12-4 New York Giants and 11-5 Philadelphia Eagles. As proof of this team’s potential threat, Washington would win the Super Bowl two years later.

8. 1986 BENGALS/SEAHAWKS

In 1986, a whopping seven of the AFC’s 14 teams won at least ten games. Given there were only five playoff sports per conference, two of those teams didn’t make it in. Those teams were the Bengals and Seahawks, each worthy of being on this list. For Cincinnati, Boomer Esiason threw for 3,959 yards (a career high) and led an explosive offense that set a franchise record for most offensive net yards in a single game (621) in a 52-21 win over the New York Jets, and would eventually reach a Super Bowl years later. Meanwhile, Seattle boasted both a Top 10 offense and defense, as well as wins over the New York Giants and Denver Broncos — that season’s Super Bowl participants. However, a five-game winning streak to end the year was not enough to offset the four-game losing streak that put the Seahawks in danger in the first place. Although you could make an argument for the Seahawks being the better team due to their resume, Cincinnati won the head-to-head matchup 34-7 in Week 7 and both finished 10-6.

7. 1985 DENVER BRONCOS

Only twice since the merger has an 11-win team not made the playoffs. I think you know one of them (they’re also on this list), but did you know the other was the 1985 Denver Broncos? Although statistically they weren’t anything special, John Elway and a tough defense (in particular Karl “The Albino Rhino” Mecklenburg) kept the Broncos in the win column. Granted, one of those wins was the controversial “Snowball Game,” during which fans threw snowballs at the San Francisco 49ers during an eventually missed FG attempt. Despite starting 8-3, Denver went 3-2 to end the season. Both losses came in OT to the Los Angeles Raiders (hehehe), who finished 12-4 and won the AFC West. The Broncos, meanwhile, lost tiebreakers to the New York Jets and New England Patriots, who like them finished 11-5. That same season, the 8-8 Browns made the postseason by winning the AFC Central. I’m sure Denver didn’t use this for any kind of motivation during their AFC title game matchups against Cleveland over the next two seasons.

6. 2005 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

2005 was the final year of head coach Dick Vermeil’s HOF career. As a farewell present, his Kansas City Chiefs missed the playoffs in heartbreaking fashion. At 10-6, Kansas City was solid in a year when “strong” was the benchmark for the postseason. The Denver Broncos ran away with the AFC West, while the Indianapolis Colts and Jacksonville Jaguars (as well as the Pittsburgh Steelers and Cincinnati Bengals) got to take advantage of the rest of their respective divisions being “mid” at best to “ass” at worst. The Chiefs can also blame a loss to the Buffalo Bills (who would finish 5-11) and a 1-3 record against the NFC West for their playoff snub. It’s kind of amazing the Chiefs even got that close, with Priest Holmes severely hurt in Week 8 (a game Kansas City would lose by just one score). Larry Johnson filled in and rushed for 1,750 yards in just nine starts and an improved defense (which added Derrick Johnson, among others) ended up with the highest DVOA of any team that ended up missing the playoffs.

5. 2010 SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

The 2010 AFC West might be the dumbest division in NFL history. The Oakland Raiders had the best record, going 6-0 against their divisional rivals. But they went 2-8 against the rest of the NFL and finished third at 8-8. The Kansas City Chiefs actually won the division at 10-6, but got shitcanned in the playoffs. The Denver Broncos lost 59-14 to the Raiders in Week 7. The San Diego Chargers were actually the best team in the division and might’ve been the best team in the league, finishing with the No. 1 ranked offense and defense in the NFL. The two other teams to ever do that (the 1972 Miami Dolphins and 1996 Green Bay Packers) won the Super Bowl. The Chargers went 9-7 and missed the playoffs. How in the living hell did that happen? That year, San Diego might’ve had the worst special teams unit in NFL history. Simple mistakes in the kicking/punting/kickoff game caused the Chargers to lose five of their first seven games, each by one possession. San Diego couldn’t recover and wasted a potentially legendary year.

4. 1991 PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

The Washington Redskins went 14-2 and won Super Bowl XXVI, cementing themselves as one of the greatest teams in NFL history. But if two “what ifs” go the other way, there are good odds that Washington doesn’t even make the NFC title game. The first “what if” comes from their own division. In the first game of the season, reigning MVP Randall Cunningham tore his ACL, with the Philadelphia Eagles being forced to start Jeff Kemp, Brad Goebel, and a-beyond-past-his-prime Jim McMahon for the rest of the season. Despite the offense being cut off at the legs, Philly still managed to finish 10-6 and missed out on the playoffs due to a tiebreaker. That record is solely due to the 1991 Eagles defense, which may be the best in NFL history. The Gang Green unit was the NFL’s best against the run and pass, leading the league in sacks (55) and forced fumbles (43) while holding opposing QBs to a 44.1% completion rate. If this defense had even an atom of support from the offense, these Eagles might go down as an all-time team.

3. 1991 SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

The Philadelphia Eagles would’ve made the playoffs in 1991 had they not lost to the San Francisco 49ers in Week 9. But the 49ers needed all the help they could get. Joe Montana missed the entire season due to injury, thrusting Steve Young into the starting role. Roger Craig and Ronnie Lott each left the team as well, meaning San Francisco had a lot of kinks to work out. A 4-5 start to the season showed just that, with the situation being made even worse by Young suffering a knee injury. But then, suddenly everything clicked into place. Steve Bono led the 49ers to a 5-1 record in Young’s absence, with Young returning to cap a six-game winning streak to end the season. But the 10-6 49ers, who outscored their opponents by 154 points, missed out on a tiebreaker with the Atlanta Falcons, who had the same record and went 2-0 against San Francisco that season. Those losses came by a combined eight points, with the final one coming via a last-second Hail Mary TD. To be fair, 1991 was cursed to begin with.

2. 2008 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

In 2007, the New England Patriots put up arguably the greatest season ever, coming one Giant comeback away from going 19-0 instead of 18-1. The following year, the league was terrified of the pissed off Patriots going for revenge. That fear lasted less than one game, with defending league MVP Tom Brady tearing his ACL in Week 1. Matt Cassel was suddenly thrown into the spotlight, starting a game for the first time since high school (yes, he managed to get drafted despite never starting a game in college). Cassel performed quite well in Brady’s absence, being a steady if not spectacular hand as the Patriots managed to put together a 11-5 record, which would’ve been 12-4 had it not been for an OT loss at home to the New York Jets in Week 11. But for the first and only time since 1985, 11 wins were not enough for a playoff spot, with New England losing a tiebreaker to the Miami Dolphins for the AFC East title and the Baltimore Ravens for the final Wild Card spot. Man, the Patriots just had no luck at all in this era, huh?

1. 1967 BALTIMORE COLTS

As it turns out, there’s a secret third 11-win NFL team that didn’t make the playoffs, and it’s the most egregious case yet. Though it happened before the merger, it did take place in the Super Bowl era. In 1967, the Baltimore Colts were the best team in the league until the last game of the season, going unbeaten with a 11-0-2 record. That last game was a loss to the Los Angeles Rams, though the Colts still tied for the league’s top record at 11-1-2 and Johnny Unitas was named league MVP. The problem? Baltimore was tied with Los Angeles, who happened to play in their division and owned the tiebreaker for the NFL Coastal. With only division winners making the playoffs, Baltimore missed out, despite being unbeaten going into the final week of the year and finishing tied for the NFL’s best record. The Colts’ .917 win percentage is the highest in North American pro sports history for a non-playoff team. Remember that honorable mention of the 1968 Rams not making the playoffs over the Colts? That was payback.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On January 1, 2012, a seemingly inconsequential game transformed into one of the greatest — and possibly most impactful — regular season games of the decade. The Green Bay Packers entered the 2011 season hoping to end it the way they ended their 2010 campaign: as Super Bowl champions. But not even the most die hard Packers fan could’ve predicted what would happen in 2011. Aaron Rodgers — fresh off winning Super Bowl MVP — put together what may statistically be the greatest season a QB has ever produced. Rodgers set the NFL record (which still stands) with a 122.5 passer rating as well as the franchise records for passing yards (4,643) and TD passes (45 — since broken by Rodgers himself), all while throwing just six INTs. Not surprisingly, the Packers absolutely rolled over the NFL, starting the season 13-0 before a shocking loss to the Kansas City Chiefs caused champagne corks to pop in Miami. Still, Green Bay quickly shook off the defeat and entered their regular season finale with an NFL-best 14-1 record. Their opponents would be the Detroit Lions, who were just three years removed from a historic NFL record of the wrong kind. But going 0-16 in 2008 allowed them to draft Matthew Stafford, who showed plenty of promise his rookie year. However, because the Lions can’t have anything nice, Stafford missed most of 2010 due to a shoulder injury. But Stafford came back strong in 2011, lighting up defenses and cementing his connection with Calvin Johnson as one of the best in the NFL. Behind their offensive prowess and a strong defense under head coach Jim Schwartz, Detroit was suddenly good, and by the time its Week 17 matchup at Lambeau Field rolled around had clinched a playoff berth for the first time since 1999.

Now, even though the game involved two rivals, each bound for the playoffs, no one expected anything memorable. The Lions were just happy to be in the postseason and, with the Packers having clinched the NFC North, knew they had to travel regardless of the Week 17 result. But if Detroit won, they would clinch the No. 5 seed and be guaranteed to face whoever won the NFC East (which was terrible that year and the winner would finish 9-7 at best). Meanwhile, the No. 6 seed would have to face the New Orleans Saints, who were 13-3 and had easily defeated the Lions 31-17 in the regular season. As for Green Bay, regardless of the Week 17 result they had secured the No. 1 seed in the NFC and the best record in the NFL. Because of this, even with a bye in the Wild Card round ahead, Green Bay head coach Mike McCarthy decided to rest several key starters — including Greg Jennings, Randall Cobb, Clay Matthews, James Starks, Charles Woodson, and Bryan Bulaga — due to injury/rest concerns. Rodgers was also held out of the game, meaning backup Matt Flynn would make just the second start of his career. Flynn had played well the previous season in his only other start — a close 31-27 road loss to the New England Patriots on Sunday night (best known for Dan Connolly’s 71-yard kickoff return) — in which he threw for 251 yards and three TDs but also had an INT and fumbled the ball when sacked on the final play of the game. Still, given Flynn’s relative inexperience, the plethora of Green Bay’s starters sitting out, and the fact that Detroit was the only one who would benefit from a win, few expected anything compelling or competitive to come from this game. 

That sentiment seemed to be confirmed early on. Flynn fumbled on the opening drive, with Stafford hitting Titus Young for a short TD as a result. On the ensuing kickoff, a miscue by Pat Lee resulted in a Lions safety, making it 9-0 within two minutes. Detroit went three-and-out on the next drive, while the Packers got on the board with a FG. Then, a fumble by Kevin Smith was recovered by Green Bay, leading to Flynn finding Jordy Nelson in the endzone to give his team a 10-9 lead. After both teams exchanged punts, Stafford found Johnson to put the Lions back on top. But just a few plays later, Ryan Grant took a short pass from Flynn and ran 80 yards for the score. Detroit then fumbled the ensuing kickoff, although an INT by Flynn limited the damage. A Lions FG was followed by a 36-yard TD from Flynn to Nelson, putting Green Bay up 24-19. That would be the score at halftime, with both teams missing FGs late in the half. Detroit’s first drive of the second half ended with an INT, although a Packers three-and-out led to another TD from Stafford to Young. But Green Bay would soon retake the lead with a third TD from Flynn to Nelson — this one a 58-yarder. The Lions struck back with a long but quick drive that ended with a TD from Stafford to Smith and a two-point conversion to Tony Scheffler to put Detroit up 34-31. Although Green Bay went three-and-out on its next drive, Detroit gambled and lost on a 4th and 3 at the Packers’ 31-yard line. The home team took advantage with a 35-yard strike from Flynn to Donald Driver. After both teams traded punts, the Lions drove down the field and took a 41-38 lead with just over two minutes left with a Stafford TD pass to Scheffler. It took just over half that time for Flynn to lead the Packers down the field and retake the lead with a pass to Jermichael Finley. Stafford tried to mount a late comeback, but was picked off in Green Bay territory, as the Packers held on for a wild 45-41 win that featured 11 different lead changes. Both QBs combined for 11 TDs and exactly 1,000 through the air, with Flynn finishing with a stupendous 480 yards and six TDs (both Packers record — each since tied by Rodgers, albeit in separate games) and Stafford’s 520-yard, five TD performance putting him above 5,000 passing yards on the season (just the fourth QB to do so at the time, although weirdly he was the third QB to do it that year). Nelson led all skill players with three scores, while Johnson finished with a whopping 244 yards receiving (the second-most in a game in his career).

As exciting as this regular season finale was, it was arguably even more impactful upon the immediate future of the NFL. By failing to win in Week 17, the 10-6 Lions were indeed sent to the Gulag in New Orleans, with the Saints eliminating Detroit 45-28. Had they been able to pull out the win in Green Bay, the Lions would’ve instead faced the New York Giants, who won the NFC East at 9-7. In real life, those Giants trounced the No. 5 seed Atlanta Falcons in the Wild Card round before pulling off the ultimate shocker in the Divisional Round, defeating the Packers 37-20. Although Green Bay had their full starting lineup in, they looked shaky and Rodgers was outdone by Eli Manning, who led the Giants all the way to another title game victory over Tom Brady and the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI. Now, had the Giants faced the Lions instead in the Wild Card round, an argument can be made that Detroit’s offense (which was clearly still hot even against the Saints) could’ve been enough to oust New York before their run truly began. Not only would that have given Stafford a playoff win in Detroit (and maybe led to future success, which might’ve impacted both the current Lions and Los Angeles Rams), but it would’ve set up a rematch with Green Bay in the Divisional Round. Critics have said the two weeks off made the Packers starters (Rodgers in particular) rusty. Could the Lions have taken advantage of this as well to make a surprise NFC title game appearance, or would Detroit have been familiar enough for Rodgers and Co. to survive a subpar performance? Either way, with the Giants out of the picture, would Green Bay not waste what turned out to be the best change to get Rodgers a second ring? Would Brady get his fourth ring earlier without having to face his kryptonite in the Super Bowl? Or would the San Francisco 49ers — who lost to the Giants in the NFC title game thanks to two fumbles by Kyle Williams — be able to reach (and lose) the Super Bowl before they did the following year? 

These are all neat hypotheticals, but they aren’t the only parts of the fallout of the Matt Flynn game. With his performance, Flynn became one of the most interesting free agent QBs on the market that offseason. Flynn ended up signing a three-year, $20.5M deal with the Seattle Seahawks and was expected to be the starter going into 2012. However, he was beaten out by 3rd round pick Russell Wilson and ended up bouncing around the league (including a return to the Packers) before retiring after the 2015 season. Another hypothetical: if the Seahawks don’t have Flynn, would they draft Wilson (seen as needing to develop) or would they risk taking a QB earlier? That would not only have impacted Seattle’s legendary 2012 draft class, but seen Wilson likely go elsewhere. Of course, Wilson became a Seahawks icon, leading Seattle to a Super Bowl title and plenty of postseason success, often at the expense of Rodgers and the Packers (not to mention the whole Fail Mary thing). With the Seahawks not at the level they would end up becoming, does Rodgers finally get to another Super Bowl, especially in 2014 when Seattle made that remarkable rally against Green Bay in the NFC title game? One other interesting wrinkle is that in both hypothetical scenarios above, the Packers’ potential Super Bowl appearance would’ve been the Patriots. A Brady-Rodgers showdown for the Lombardi Trophy is the past generation’s version of the mythical LeBron-Kobe NBA Finals that never came to pass. While we’ll never know who would’ve won in the end, but it remains one of the great “never happened” NFL moments. What we can say is that although Flynn remains a folk hero in Green Bay to this day (especially after having another notable performance in 2013), the Matt Flynn game may have done more harm than good to the Packers in the long run. 

OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:

— 2006: New England Patriots QB Doug Flutie successfully converts the NFL’s first drop kick since 1941 (65 years) in a 28-26 regular season finale loss to the Miami Dolphins

— 1971: Paul Brown resigns as head coach Cincinnati Bengals, naming OL coach Bill “Tiger” Johnson as his replacement over assistant Bill Walsh, who would leave the team as a result

— 1966: The Green Bay Packers and Kansas City Chiefs defeat the Dallas Cowboys and Buffalo Bills, respectively, in their league title games to advance to the first Super Bowl

— 1960: The Houston Oilers defeat the Los Angeles Chargers 24-16 in the first ever AFL Championship game, which was also the first ever pro football game played in January

JOE-VER THE MOON

There’s one more anniversary I’d like to celebrate. It doesn’t fall on today’s date and in fact came up nearly two weeks ago. But given that it just passed a major milestone —  the ten-year mark, to be specific — I thought I’d give it the proper due it deserves.

On December 20, 2015, the San Francisco 49ers hosted the Cincinnati Bengals in a completely forgetful Week 15 clash. The 49ers were in Year 1 of the post-Jim Harbaugh era and mediocre at best. Colin Kaepernick declined to the point where he was benched for Blaine Gabbert (and later suffered a season-ending injury). Anquan Boldin and Torrey Smith were the leading WRs in San Francisco, who traded Vernon Davis to the Denver Broncos a month before this game. Names like Frank Gore, Michael Crabtree, and Mike Iupati left in free agency. But it was the defense which was especially depleted, with departures from 2014 including Patrick Willis, Justin Smith, and Chris Borland, who all retired. Leading the charge was Jim Tomsula, best known for looking like Carl Brutananadilewski from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Needless to say, the 49ers were not good, rolling into the clash against Cincinnati with a 4-9 record following a 24-10 road loss to a Cleveland Browns team that had lost seven in a row and would finish 3-13.

On the other hand, the Bengals were consistent playoff contenders, albeit they hadn’t won a playoff game since 1990. Cincinnati looked bound to snap the drought and was even in the running for the No. 1 seed in the AFC. However, the week before their trip to the Bay Area, Andy Dalton suffered a broken thumb in a loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers. As a result, the Bengals, while 10-3, were forced to play A.J. McCarron, who would be making his first career start. Still, Cincinnati was a heavy favorite going in, and they lived up to the odds. Even though the Bengals were not at their best and the McCarron-led offense, they were a league above the 49ers. Cincinnati took advantage of four turnovers by Gabbert and Co. to take an early lead and never looked back, with garbage time making the final score of 24-14 look closer than it was. Both teams combined for five TDs, five turnovers, eight sacks, 17 penalties and just 560 total yards of offense. If, god help you, you want to watch the “highlights” of this game, here you go.

You might be asking yourself, why the hell is this game getting its own dedicated section in a newsletter? The reason is not for anything that happened during the game, but because of what happened at halftime, as well as right before in the stands.

You see, I was at this game. Not only did I have to witness this dog water live, but out of the four NFL games I’ve ever seen in person, this was the one with the closest final score (so I’ve got that going for me). But to be honest, I didn’t really care about the final score or even the quality of the game. I was slightly hoping the 49ers would pull off the upset, but that’s because of who I was at the game with.

Having some extra money for really the first time in my life, I decided to splurge a little bit for an early Christmas present for Dad, a lifelong 49ers fan who hadn’t been to a game since before I was born. Fortunately for me, as mentioned above, the 49ers were ass in 2015, so I was able to snag a pair of seats ten rows up from the north end zone for just $50 a pop. Now, even though San Francisco had another home game after Christmas (a game which they actually won), I narrowed down on the Bengals game for one particular reason. 

The 2015 season would be concluded with Super Bowl 50. To honor such a major anniversary, the NFL gave everything (including the 50-yard numbers on each field) a tint of gold, while encouraging teams to lean into Super Bowl rematches on their schedule and celebrate the rosters which had brought home the Lombardi Trophy. Given that San Francisco and Cincinnati had played twice in the Super Bowl (with the 49ers winning each time), I figured that the home team would put together a little something to honor those players Dad grew up idolizing. Little did I know Dad himself would be putting on the most memorable show.

So, on that December morning, we got into his car and drove to Santa Clara. The game day traffic was surprisingly easy to deal with, although that was probably due to us getting there a bit early and the 49ers sucking that season. We wanted a little extra time to soak in the moment, let Dad enjoy being at his first 49ers game in decades (and my first such game overall), and explore Levi’s Stadium, which was just in its second season. We walked around the stadium, got some food, checked out the massive team store, and even found a fantasy football display (as part of a partnership with Yahoo!) which included the “Shiva” trophy from The League. 

We eventually found our seats and got ready for the game. As expected, there were some events planned for those Super Bowl-winning teams. There were some players who lined up with the 49ers for the anthem and coin toss. Then, we were told over the PA system that there would be a halftime ceremony honoring both 49ers title-winning rosters. Putting that in the back of our minds, we kicked back in our seats to watch San Francisco and Cincinnati dishonor their Super Bowl-appearing alumni by combining for 11 straight drives ending in either a punt or a turnover to begin the game. But as drive No. 12 ended with the Bengals finding the end zone, the real entertainment was about to begin.

Shortly after Jeremy Hill put the Bengals up 7-0 with just over five minutes remaining, the PA announcer called for all former 49ers players in attendance to make their way to the tunnels to get ready for the halftime ceremony. Then, after a quick San Francisco three-and-out that led to a booming 18-yard punt, we noticed two people walking behind the end zone we were facing. Upon further inspection, that pair turned out to be no other than Joe Montana and his wife, Jennifer, dressed in matching black Super Bowl 50 letterman jackets. Seeing his idol no fewer than 50 feet away from him, Dad transformed into the young man who 30 years earlier had giddily cheered on Joe Cool from in front of what I hopefully assumed was a color TV. That being said, it really sounded like he had gone back even further — to before he hit puberty — when he suddenly stood up, raised his arms above his head, and squealed wide-eyed in an octave so high I’m not sure even Gabby could reach it.

“JOE!” 

“JOOOEEE!!!” 

“JJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!”

“JJJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I honestly don’t know if Montana even looked his way, because I was too busy staring at Dad in a stunned silence, trying to process the noises he just made. It was like seeing Sam Elliott sound and act like a 14-year-old girl fangirling at a Taylor Swift concert.

To this day, if anyone asks Dad to share his version of events, he maintains that he simply shouted at Montana in his typically deep, booming voice, “Yo, Joe — what’s up, man?” — to which Montana smiled and waved back at him. However, as someone who prides himself on journalistic integrity and impartiality, I present an artistic recreation of what actually happened.

If there’s one important thing I’ve learned, it’s to not make fun of someone for being passionate about something (within reason). Being passionate about various interests makes us interesting and helps give our lives meaning. As we get older, we become more jaded and out of touch with the things that once filled us with whimsy and wonder. So to completely give Dad shit for flashing back to his youth and reliving the glory days while one of his sports idols is within his immediate presence would be a bit rude and sour the whole point of this section.

That being said, as a son who just caught his Dad doing something a bit embarrassing in public, this was one of the funniest things I had ever seen in my life. 

After the shock of Dad’s yelp wore off, I proceeded to laugh about it for the next five minutes, during which time the Bengals scored two TDs and entered halftime with a 21-0 lead. But the boos 49ers fans serenaded their team with as they left the field soon turned to cheers as a video recapping San Francisco’s Super Bowl XVI win played on the jumbotron, followed by defensive stars like Ronnie Lott, Fred Dean, and Dan Bunz walking the Lombardi Trophy they earned onto the field. Then there were highlights from Super Bowl XXIII, followed by a Lombardi Trophy-wielding Montana (ears probably still recovering from the shrill “JOE!”s) and the likes of Jerry Rice, Roger Craig, and John Taylor trotting onto the field as well. Even more applause soon followed with the introduction of beloved former team owner Edward DeBartolo Jr., who was honored at midfield.

Uninspired by the presence of actual good football players, the 49ers gave up a FG on the opening drive before finally getting on the board late in the 3rd quarter. Another score late in the 4th quarter and an onside kick recovery gave the game a facsimile of a comeback, but San Francisco failed to get any closer. Cincinnati went home with a thoroughly uninspiring win, while me, Dad, and the rest of the crowd at Levi’s Stadium went home wishing we would’ve seen better football for our money.

Two weeks later, San Francisco closed out the season with a thrilling (at least on paper) OT win in what would end up being the final game of the St. Louis Rams. But that would be mere consolation, as the 49ers finished 2015 with a paltry 5-11 record. Things would not get immediately better, Tomsula would be succeeded by the genius known as Chip Kelly, who lasted just one season in San Francisco before Kyle Shanahan and John Lynch began the current era. Meanwhile, a narrow loss to the Denver Broncos the following week would send Cincinnati to the Wild Card round, where the Dalton-less Bengals would famously choke against the Pittsburgh Steelers in the game where Vontaze Burfict nearly decapitated Antonio Brown (before the latter became a massive cunt).

But as Dad and I left Levi’s Stadium after that meaningless game, we had a story that has stuck with us for the past ten years and will probably last the rest of our lives. While Dad still probably has to think of math problems or Queen Elizabeth every time he sees a picture or video of Montana, whenever I catch a glimpse of the 49ers legend, I can’t help but flash back to that moment in our seats that I never even fathomed I would ever experience. Even if I wanted to do so again, circumstances (mainly the insane parking/ticket prices at Levi’s Stadium now that the 49ers are actually good) won’t let me. Again, Dad may claim a different “alternate fact” version of events as the truth. But I know what really happened — and now you all do, too. So the next time you see or talk to Dad, be sure to cry out, “JOE!” as high as your voice can possibly go. It won’t be as shrill as what he was able to do the day he saw his sports idol in the flesh.

ONE LAST THING

So, this is the section where I usually put a bow on the season by looking ahead to what I have in store for next year. When it comes to that, I do have some items to share. Of course, we have Trivia Night coming up on January 24. Honestly, I’m cautiously pessimistic about it, given that every succeeding Trivia Night has seen fewer attendees. I’ve got some great ideas and if they don’t get butts in seats, I’m not sure what will. I also plan to finally complete the MLB ballpark tour by catching a game at Kauffman Stadium (Kansas City), Target Field (Minneapolis), PNC Park (Pittsburgh), and Great American Ballpark (Cincinnati) — the final four venues on my list. Once those are taken care of, I’ll compile my final, complete tier list/power rankings of all 30 MLB ballparks. But beyond that, my travel schedule is up in the air. For the first time in a while, I don’t have an international destination planned. It’s not that I don’t plan on going overseas again. I’m just not sure where I and/or the real Antarcticans will be going next year. Besides that, I’ve got the usual goals of finally getting in shape and getting a girlfriend still on my list (can’t wait for them to remain there when 2027 begins).

But 2025 has been an emotional year. The early part of the year saw Dad’s health issues, while the middle of the year saw other personal and work problems rear their heads. However, the worst and most painful blow came just after Christmas. That’s when Trixie — already 17 years old (beyond the life expectancy for Jack Russell Terriers) — began showing sudden and alarming breathing problems, forcing us to rush her to the vet. Turns out, she had major, detrimental heart problems that left a grim prognosis: at best, six months to live and a significantly reduced quality of life. To even get there, both Dad and I would’ve been damn near bankrupt. All of this forced us to make an unthinkable decision, and this past Friday night, Trixie passed away in my arms. 

If you have time, please read this: it’s a recap of Trixie’s life and my emotions in the wake of her death that I’ve written in the days since then. But to put it mildly, I am fucking heartbroken. Trixie had been a part of my life for more than half of it. I raised her from a puppy to a 17-year-old old lady. I can’t think of her or see a picture without tears welling up. She was my little girl, my puppy, my Trixie Lou. Some of you have reached out to me in the aftermath of her death with incredibly comforting words and patient ears, and I’ll never forget your kindness. But honestly, it’s going to take me a while to get out of this funk, which has caused me to half-ass whatever sections of this newsletter I hadn’t completed beforehand. So I apologize for the lack of quality when it comes to that. I also apologize for ending the season finale newsletter on such a sad note. I just don’t have it in me right now to do anything different.

Hug your pets, y’all. I’ll see you for Trivia Night and the 2026 NFL Draft.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 & 2024 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness