Ruben's Writings

God, I missed football. Thankfully, the NFL is back and in full swing, as is fantasy football. Week 1 was definitely full or surprises, many of which we’ll get to later. But first, some housekeeping.

Hours before the New England Patriots made Alex Smith look like a fusion of Joe Montana and Michael Vick, I was informed that one of our league members, Arik Ruiz, could not take part in the season. While it sucked to see a friend opt out, we fortunately had a replacement lined up. So, welcome back to the Epic League of Epic Epicness, Richard Tuttle! Richard was a part of the league for the first two years, even making the championship game one season. 

Richard is now in charge of the team Arik drafted, so I guess we can’t blame him or make fun of him if his squad sucks (jk yes we can). The artists formerly known as Show Me Your TDs! have been renamed The Krispy Kritters, in case you skipped this part and wondered, “Who the hell are the Krispy Kritters?” So, how did Richard do in his return to the league?

WEEK 1 RECAP

WILD HOGS (1-0) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-1)

119.44 – 95.00

Well, it was fun, at least! This was the highest scoring matchup of the week, with the Wild Hogs’ win not fully secure until late Monday night. Unlike many other teams, both squads got superb performances from their star players. Antonio Brown and Tyreek Hill combined for 38 points for Jimmy, while Richard’s young RB punch of Dalvin Cook and Ezekiel Elliott got nearly 28 of their own. The kicking game was also particularly effective, with both Dan Bailey and His Majesty (more on him later) adding 15+ points. Believe it or not, the difference can almost entirely be seen in the defenses, with Rams putting up 28 points, while the Broncos only got five. Welcome back, Richard. Don’t mess with hogs.

WRS-R-US (1-0) DEF. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (0-1)

107.54 – 68.46

How was that for an introduction? WRs-R-Us made quite an impression in their Epic League debut, stomping the defending champs in the most lopsided scoring margin of the week. However, despite their team name, WRs-R-Us’ main contributor was a RB, with rookie Kareem Hunt dropping a whopping 40 points on the NFL’s defending champs (yes, Kyle, he was a great sleeper pick). It certainly made up for poor showings from Brandon Marshall and Hunter Henry, who combined for one catch and one point. Meanwhile, there were plenty of poor showings for Fred Sanford (Dummy), from Dez Bryant to Kelvin Benjamin to Travis Kelce. But, at least there’s some good news for Brian. Here’s a Bill with more:

JOP SUEY!!! (1-0) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-1)

83.58 – 66.24

Oh Nick. Poor, poor Nick. First, he makes it all the way to the championship game in his first season in the league last year, only to fall just short of the title. Then, in the first game of the next season, one of his later picks has a surprising result. Mike Gillislee somehow gets three touchdowns, which would have been enough for Dixie Normous to eek out a win over Jop Suey!!! Only… Gillislee’s 22.5 points were wasted on the bench! Instead, it’s Taylor taking home the win thanks to Stefan Diggs’ two touchdowns and 20 points. Woe is Nick. Here, let me play you a little song to ease the pain.

LORD SANDWICH (1-0) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (0-1)

78.72 – 63.64

You know it’s a pretty poor week when a 15-point margin is the closest game of the lot. But hey, Ewing isn’t complaining. As a whole, Lord Sandwich and C’s Champion Team were pretty evenly matched. Dak Prescott and Aaron Rodgers each had 17-point games, while both top WRs, Jordy Nelson and Amari Cooper, put up good numbers as well. Both teams had disappointments (including Jimmy Graham with less than a point of contributions) and both defenses got smoked. The difference ended up being a surprisingly good game from Adam Thielen, whose 20 points caused the separation. Chriss, meet your harbinger of doom.

GREATER FOOLS (1-0) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (0-1)

66.20 – 47.84 

Of the 18 starters in this matchup, ten scored fewer then five points. That’s the kind of matchup this was. Yuck. Leading the way of terribleness was Jamison Crowder with NEGATIVE 0.6 points for Footballdamus. Greater Fools, meanwhile, got literally nothing from the Texans defense, 0.4 from Tyler Eifert, and only 7.7 from Elisha Manning. Jeff — okay it’s weird to call my dad by his first name. Everyone who doesn’t know, my dad’s name is Jeff. From here on out he will be referred to as “my dad” or “Dad.” Deal with it. Anyway, Dad only won because Riez did much, much worse, which is impressive in its own right. So, congrats, I guess.

BIRDS OF WAR (1-0) DEF. 49ERS (0-1)

76.58 – 57.52

Alright, Gee. I don’t care if you’re in Japan. I want an explanation for this. It’s Monday, and I’m only ten points ahead. I’ve got Kyle Rudolph left, while you have Demaryius Thomas going. Rudolph gets me a solid eight points, so now I have to hope Thomas doesn’t have a big game. If he does, I’m going to sweat it out. So imagine my shock when I look at our matchup and see Thomas on your bench. Now, it wouldn’t be too surprising if you thought it was a bad matchup and put someone else in. But no, your second WR slot was empty. EMPTY. I don’t know if it was an accident or what, but you took your only hope of beating me out of your lineup and gave up the game. MFW.

I mean, it wouldn’t have mattered. Thomas only got six points, which wouldn’t have been enough to catch me, not even close. No matter what, the Birds of War would have come out on top of the 49ers, despite Tom Brady having a disappointing performance, which I suppose was canceled out by Russell Wilson’s even poorer outing. Plus, it didn’t even matter that my top player — first overall pick David Johnson — had an unspectacular day. He will bounce back immediately, score plenty of touchdowns, and give me tons and tons of points throughout the season. BIRDS OF WAR, BABY!!!

Wait, let me check this notification…

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME.

I am cursed. I have the combined luck of every single Stanley Yelnats before Stanley IV carried Zero up the mountain. Let me give you some personal history. This is the third time some bullshit like this has happened to me. The only other time I’ve ever gotten the first overall pick, I made the consensus wise decision to take Adrian Peterson. Naturally, he got me 75 yards in his first game before missing the final 15 after getting suspended for beating the shit out of his kids with a switch. That basically ruined my chances of winning that year. Years beforehand, I saw Tom Brady and Randy Moss break NFL records together and thought, “I’d like those points to count for me.” So, I picked both with my first two picks. Brady made it about 15 minutes into the first game of the season before tearing his ACL. I’ve also had both Aaron Rodgers and Andrew Luck miss significant time for my teams. 

I swear, the first overall pick is the grim reaper’s scythe when wielded by me. I could draft Jerry Rice and he would retroactively lose two Super Bowls. I could draft Russell Westbrook and the Thunder would suddenly move back to Seattle. I could draft Donald Trump and he would actually be impeached. I could draft the Nokia 3310 and it would break. What the hell have I done in a previous life to deserve this? As much as this injury kills the Arizona Cardinals’ chances this year, it may very well also kill my season as well. I’m going to hold onto the slim chance of him coming back for the playoffs, even if my chances of making it just got a big kick in the nuts.

(Alright, stop bitching and breathe)

I love the start of sports seasons. Because everything’s so new, the stats and standings are more volatile than they are all year. Get an upset or two, and there will be some weird-looking stuff out there. They probably won’t stay that way unless a team pulls a Leicester City, but it’s still fun to look at. 

There are a few such examples after Week 1. The Los Angeles Rams, Buffalo Bills, and Jacksonville Jaguars stand alone in first place of their divisions. None of them really stand a chance of being there at the end of the year, except for maybe the Jags because the AFC South is terrible. Meanwhile, you’ve got stats like these:

This in particular had to be the surprise of the week. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing the Pats get stomped. But, I also hate the Chiefs, and now I’m a little more worried about them. By the way, as much as I hope it’s true, anyone who says New England is done is dumb. They’ve come back way too much (including winning the Super Bowl the last time they got walloped by Kansas City) for me to put false hope into their demise. Apparently, the Pats think they’ve found a solution.

Yeah, because that’s why an Alex Smith-led team dropped 42 points on your defense.

Meanwhile, the Jags have a winning record for the first time in over half a decade. Sure, it’s only 1-0. But it’s also huge 1-0 after the curb stomping they gave to the Houston Texans. Multiple team records for sacks fell during that game, while multiple Houston players went down hard. In total, FIVE Texans got concussions, including all three of the team’s TEs. Oh, and they’re starting a slightly injured rookie QB on a short week. The Texans really don’t need any more bad news.

Well, shit. 

So who’s got the worse offensive line? Is it he Cincinnati Bengals, who made the Baltimore Ravens defense look like the killers from the legendary 2000 team? Is it the Indianapolis Colts, who showed the same porous protection on Sunday that got their durable franchise QB so injured they have no idea when he’ll be back, or if he’ll still be a Colt? Is it the aforementioned Texans, whose fans totally aren’t worried about the future of their promising rookie QB behind a terrible line? My vote goes to these guys:

At least they didn’t their asses kicked so badly they forgot who did the kicking.

But, the biggest story of the week came from the very last game, and not even from the field. Since ESPN gets two Monday Night Football games for Week 1, and they only have one true broadcasting crew, the network has to assemble a patchwork group for the second game. On Monday, this included the play-by-play duties of Beth Mowins, who became the first woman to call an NFL game in forever, and Rex Ryan, who was pretty much awful in his TV debut. But the true star shined on the sidelines.

For those who don’t know (or can’t read), this is Sergio Dipp. He’s been on ESPN’s Spanish language broadcasts of various sports (namely soccer) for years. But Monday night was his first appearance on the main, English speaking broadcast. Not only that, but it was Monday Night Football. So, when he was making his report on Denver Broncos head coach Vance Joseph, he was a bit nervous.

Naturally, he became a bit of an internet sensation. He’s gotten plenty of ribbing from twitter, but he’s also gotten plenty of love from other journalists, including the great Bob Ley. I’m with Bob. I also work in TV news, and while I don’t have to go on camera, I have a good idea of just how much reporters who do have to put in for each of these hits. Now, imagine doing one for a national audience in a language you didn’t grow up speaking. Yes, he bombed pretty hard. But at least he’s had a good response to everything.

Finally, as it turns out, last week’s national nightmare was only postponed, as the Oakland Raiders placed Sebastian Janikowski on IR with a back injury. This left the Raiders with a potential weakness in one of their normally strong areas: kicking. So, they had to turn to a completely unknown and unproven kicker, Giorgio Tavecchio, at the last minute. 

To everyone’s surprise, Tavecchio played historically well, making all four field goals he attempted, becoming the first player in NFL history to make two 50+ yard field goals in his first career game. He was named the AFC Special Teams Player of the Week. He’s got a great story. He quotes Aristotle. 

All hail our new lord and savior. Still love you, SeaBass. 

HIGHLIGHTS

ACTUAL FOOTBALL:

• Terrance Mitchell tries to tackle James White. It does not go well. 
• Carson Wentz somehow avoids more sacks than Jimmy at Faces, then finds Nelson Agholor for a 58-yard touchdown.
• Kind of a combo of the first two highlights. Matt Ryan avoids the sack and hits a wide open Austin Hooper, who sends Quintin Demps to the shadow realm with a stiff-arm on the way to an 88-yard touchdown.
• Cole Beasley WTF?!?
• One of the best punts you’ll ever see, from a technical perspective. Yes, I’m including a punting highlight. Here’s why. Johnny Hekker is the second-best punter in the NFL, behind only the GOAT.
• Amari Cooper channels his inner Beast Mode for the Raiders’ first touchdown of the season.
• Speaking of Beast Mode, my favorite highlight of the week: Beast Mode trucking a 300-lb. DE. Let’s see a replay. Oh my goooooooooooooooooood I love having Marshawn Lynch on my team.

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Jets gonna Jets.
• Stefon Diggs punts the football after catching a touchdown, hitting a ball boy in the process.
• BAH GOD THERE’S A SNIPER AT THE BRONCOS-CHARGERS GAME!
• Jim Mora tells a news anchor he’s full of shit on live TV.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Saturday’s game between Mississippi State and Louisiana Tech featured both a 3rd and 93 and a punt on 4th and Goal. How? This. Here it is set to Yakety Sax.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Shoutout to FOX40’s Joe Khalil, Mark Demsky, and all of the other poor bastards who call themselves Detroit Lions fans. At least you lead the league in memes.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Nick: $40

Tyler G: $40

Kyle: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Taylor: give

Chriss: me

Jimmy: the

Riez: money

Richard: already

STANDINGS

THE STANDINGS THAT MATTER:

1. Wild Hogs (1-0)
2. WRs-R-Us (1-0)
3. Jop Suey!!! (1-0)
4. Lord Sandwich (1-0)
5. Birds of War (1-0)
6. Greater Fools (1-0)
7. The Krispy Kritters (0-1)
8. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (0-1)
9. Dixie Normous (0-1)
10. C’s Champion Team (0-1)
11. 49ers (0-1)
12. Footballdamus (0-1)

We’re going to try something new this year, and by new I mean something I’m totally stealing from another league. In addition to the regular standings, I’m also going to keep track of everyone’s win-loss record if it were solely based on points, meaning the teams with the six highest point totals each week get a win, while the bottom six get a loss. The first place team at the end doesn’t get anything special, but they can take a little pride in having the best weekly scoring squad. Pride isn’t exactly $350 and a shiny trophy, but still.

The logic is rewarding teams who lost, but only because they happened to play one of the few teams who scored more than they did. This past week had a perfect example: The Krispy Kritters had the third highest score of anyone in the league, but had the misfortune of playing the highest scorer. This system is music to the ears of my dad, whose main contribution to the league has been whining about how he (allegedly) constantly scores more than everyone else, but just gets bad matchups. Ironically, he put up the fourth fewest points this past week, but got a win because he played the lowest scoring team. Can’t wait to hear what his excuse is this time.

SCORER STANDINGS:

1. Wild Hogs (1-0)
2. WRs-R-Us (1-0)
3. The Krispy Kritters (1-0)
4. Jop Suey!!! (1-0)
5. Lord Sandwich (1-0)
6. Birds of War (1-0)
7. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (0-1)
8. Dixie Normous (0-1)
9. Greater Fools (0-1)
10. C’s Champion Team (0-1)
11. 49ers (0-1)
12. Footballdamus (0-1)

COMBINED STANDINGS:

1. Wild Hogs (2-0)
2. WRs-R-Us (2-0)
3. Jop Suey!!! (2-0)
4. Lord Sandwich (2-0)
5. Birds of War (2-0)
6. The Krispy Kritters (1-1)
7. Greater Fools (1-1)
8. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (0-2)
9. Dixie Normous (0-2)
10. C’s Champion Team (0-2)
11. 49ers (0-2)
12. Footballdamus (0-2)

POINTS LEADERBOARD:

1. Wild Hogs (119.44)
2. WRs-R-Us (107.54)
3. The Krispy Kritters (95.00)
4. Jop Suey!!! (83.58)
5. Lord Sandwich (78.72)
6. Birds of War (76.58)
7. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (68.46)
8. Dixie Normous (66.24)
9. Greater Fools (66.20)
10. C’s Champion Team (63.64)
11. 49ers (57.52)
12. Footballdamus (47.84)

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

BIRDS OF WAR (1-0) VS. GREATER FOOLS (1-0)

We’ve got ourselves a Dominguez Bowl, everyone! The father takes on the son again, and this time it’s the only matchup between teams with a winning record this week. Speaking of winning records, Dad keeps claiming that he always beats me head-to-head. So, I decided to look into the numbers, and let’s just say he won’t like what I found. In the six-year history of the Epic League, we’ve been fairly even, though, obviously, I’ve had the winning edge: seven wins to his five in 12 meetings. The points spread has been virtually identical, with him having a slight edge (literally by less than one percent), 1,180.14 to 1,171.94. But, if we expand it to every league we’ve both competed in together, my record becomes a staggering 16-9 edge. While he may think that each matchup is a “try and snatch the pebble from my hand” moment, in reality, not only was that pebble in my hand on Day 1, but I also have enough pebbles to make a small hill at this point.

Basically, if I win, the status quo is maintained. Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks should bounce back against a terrible New Orleans Saints defense that made Sam Bradford look like John Elway. The Cardinals should feast on the Colts. Jarvis Landry’s return should provide a potentially crucial boost. If I lose, the upset is explainable: David Johnson is injured. It totally won’t be because Le’Veon Bell and Leonard Fournette balled out at all.

WILD HOGS (1-0) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (0-1)

Wild Hogs finished with the highest score last week because they got contributions from everybody. This week, they may need everyone to do it again just to defeat C’s Champion Team. It all could depend on how tonight’s game between Houston and Cincinnati plays out. Chriss has both teams’ RBs (Lamar Miller and Giovani Bernard). Should they both do well, he could follow with a nasty one-two combo of Aaron Rodgers and Amari Cooper, both of whom are expected to put up big points this week. But, if the ground game fails to yield points, it could be another long week for Chriss, especially if Cam Newton, Antonio Brown, Tyreek Hill, and Christian McCaffrey continue to do work for Jimmy.

WRS-R-US (1-0) VS. 49ERS (0-1)

The addition of Tarik Cohen (screw you for claiming him over me) might boost the 49ers’ chances of bouncing back this week. But, unless Russell Wilson and Co. do some major bouncing back of their own (against the actual 49ers nonetheless), Gee may find it a much tougher fight, even if he actually plays Demaryius Thomas this time. Meanwhile, we’ll see if Kyle’s own rookie phenom, Kareem Hunt, is the real deal. If so, WRs-R-Us could make it a really rough start to the season for Gee. But then again, Gee’s vacationing in Tokyo right now, so who’s the real winner here?

JOP SUEY!!! (1-0) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (0-1)

Footballdamus is sitting in last place, and it doesn’t look like they’ve got the best chance of moving upward this week. That’s because Riez is facing Jop Suey!!!’s lineup of Derek Carr, Keenan Allen, Devonta Freeman, and Jay Ajayi, all going up against relatively weak competition. Riez does have Matt Ryan facing off against Green Bay, which might work out for him, considering their last meeting was last year’s NFC Championship Asswhooping. But, unless the Footballdamus RBs, C.J. Anderson and Adrian Peterson, find their form against stronger competition, Taylor may be getting another early win. 

LORD SANDWICH (1-0) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-1)

Yahoo! currently has this game as the lowest matchup of the week, though it’s partially because Dixie Normous has an empty WR slot (fix your damn lineup, Nick). But, there could be some more offense involved than they think, particularly if Drew Brees and DeMarco Murray rebound well. As for Lord Sandwich, if may depend on which Denver Broncos defense Dak Prescott faces. If it’s the 1st-3rd quarter against the Los Angeles Chargers version, it may be a long night. But, it it’s the 4th quarter “nearly give up a record-setting comeback” edition, Prescott could push Ewing over the edge, especially with good games from Jordy Nelson and Marshawn Lynch.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (0-1) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-1)

While this is the only matchup of teams with losing records this week, it could also be the best game of the bunch. But, there’s a lot of potential for it to be a stinker as well. There are a solid players going up against teams with question marks surrounding them. Dez Bryant (Fred Sanford [Dummy]) and Ezekiel Elliott (The Krispy Kritters) are going up against the Broncos. Meanwhile, Brian’s QB (Tyrod Taylor) is facing the “are they good again” Carolina Panthers, while Richard’s QB (Kirk Cousins) squares off with the “are they real or not” Los Angeles Rams. The answers to those questions will likely decide this showdown.

One last thing! Remember those travel plans I told everyone about last week? Well, here they are: I’m going to Europe for two weeks. I’m flying out on Sunday (9/17) and will be back in the U.S. on 9/28. Considering things like phone/internet capabilities, travel issues, and me being on vacation in Europe, the next two newsletters might be late, shorter than usual, or nonexistent. I’ll be on a few long train rides while I’m over there, so I could have time to get something written up. I’ll keep you guys posted, if I can find a moment or two amidst all the time I’ll be spending slaying European poon, and by that I mean drinking beer and watching soccer (aka the REAL football). 

Until then, Auf Wiedersehen and Au Revoir!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness