Ruben's Writings

Hallo von der anderen seite des Atlantiks!

Meine erste reise nach Europa geht so weit! Die ctädte Berlin und Hannover sind toll, das essen ist ein wenig seltsam, aber lecker, das bier ist magisch und die heißeste frau in Sacramento wäre vielleicht ein fünf in Deutschland. Es ist auch ein bisschen ein schock von der meist dreistelligen ziffer hitze in Kalifornien nach Westeuropa zu gehen, wo die tageshöhe ist 64 grad und es tatsächlich regnet. Aber ich nehme es! Außerdem habe ich mich nur mit meinem Mangel an deutschem Recht gut genug verlegen!

Darüber hinaus habe ich irgendwie Zeit gehabt, einen dieser newsletters zusammenzusetzen. Das ist vor allem, weil ich eine fünftägige zugfahrt nach München nehmen musste, war Oktoberfest wartet. Als ich in der nähe des größten Bierfestes in der Welt bin, kann ich nicht umhin, von der schönheit der europäischen landschaft, der freundlichkeit der einheimischen und der… okay I can’t keep doing the whole thing in German. Too much work. I’m on vacation, damn it!

Epicness seeing as I’ve recently gained a heaping amount of knowledge on all things German, I’ve decided to give this week’s newsletter a Deutschland-style spin. So, pour yourselves a stein of your favorite beer, make a heaping plate of schnitzel and sauerkraut, pull up Herbert Grönemeyer on Spotify, and give your Jewish/Brazilian friends a hug. 

WEEK 1 RECAP

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-1) DEF. WILD HOGS (1-1)

72.22 – 71.22

The Wirtschaftswunder, A.K.A. the “Economic Miracle,” delivered West Germany (and Austria) out of the post-World War II gloom. It began in 1948 with the abandoning of the Reichsmark in favor of the Duetschemark as the country’s legal tender. It saw several years of low inflation and rapid industrial growth, particularly in the automobile industry, where Volkswagen’s new Beetle became the icon of the recovering economy. This period saw West Germany ascend from the rubble of war into the ranks of developed nations. The growth was such that, at the founding of the European Common Market in 1957, West Germany’s economy was in much better shape than it’s former Allied Power enemy, Great Brittain. 

That sort of miracle was also played out in C’s Champion Team’s one point win over Wild Hogs. Chriss, trying to rise from the rubble of last season’s last place finish (and last week’s poor start), found himself nearly 18 points back of Jimmy heading into the Atlanta Falcons-Green Bay Packers game. Aaron Rodgers became the face of the comeback with an almost 20-point performance. J.J. Nelson’s 18 points also provided a big boost. In the end, Chriss was in better shape than Jimmy, who sat in first place after scoring more points than anyone last week. But, despite good showings from Carlos Hyde and Chris Hogan, a tepid performance from Cam Newton and the rest of the offense let him down in the end.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-1) DEF. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (0-2)

75.96 – 71.20

Lufthansa is the largest airline in Germany and (combined with its subsidiaries) the largest airline in Europe in terms of fleet size, having carried the second-most passengers of any airline last year. Its roots trace back to 1926 and it was Germany’s flag carrier until its defeat in World War II. A company called Lutfag purchased Lufthansa’s name and likeness in 1954, restoring it as Germany’s standard-bearer, a status it’s held ever since. Because of the issues with Berlin in the decades after the war, Lufthansa made its headquarters in Frankfurt, where I will be flying out of at the end of my trip. I didn’t choose Lufthansa because it’s on the expensive side, though maybe the extra money would have been worth it (more on that next week).

You know who else could have used a good Jet? Fred Sanford (Dummy). Brian’s matchup with Richard was close, with only five points separating the two. Richard was hampered by Ezekiell Elliott’s extremely poor and totally full-of-effort night. But in the end, Krispy Kritters got their first win of the season thanks to good showings from Delanie Walker, Jeremy Maclin, and the Denver Broncos defense. However, Brian still could have pulled out the victory by 10+ points had he not left Jermaine Kearse and his 18 points on the bench. Even with Travis Kelce and Dez Bryant having nice games, the Buffallo Bills had a disappointing day. So, given half of his players are Bills, it showed in Brian’s offense. 

WRS-R-US (2-0) DEF. 49ERS (0-2)

114.10 – 94.02

Germany has a long lust if notable and somewhat strange foods. Some are familiar to Americans. There’s the diverse and delicious schnitzel, the disgusting side dish/hot dog topping sauerkraut, and the big amd tasty Bavarian pretzel. There’s also the little number above, known as currywurst. Created in 1949 with ketchup and curry powder bought from British soldiers, it’s pork sausage steamed, then fried, cut up, and topped with curry ketchup and curry powder. Typically served with fries, currywurst is amazing, as I can personally attest. Altogether, German cuisine is full of many unique and foods which the country’s over 82 million inhabitants eagerly feast upon.

Much like WRs-R-Us feasted on the 49ers this past weekend. Kyle followed up his impressive Week 1 display with another strong showing, much like Kareem Hunt followed his dominant opening outing with 22 more points this week. Kyle’s attack was balanced and potent, with big contributions from Alston Jeffery, Melvin Gordon, Emmanuel Sanders, and Ryan Succop. To be fair to the recently-returned-to-America Gee, his performance was much better this week. Todd Gurley had 23 points (the most of anyone in the matchup), while Gronk got nearly 18 of his own. However, luck dealt him a bad hand this week, dropping him to 0-2. Oh well. Maybe he can fill that hole in his heart with some schwarzsauer.

LORD SANDWICH (2-0) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-2)

78.98 – 58.64

One of Germany’s most famous mythical creatures, Krampus is a horned, half-goat half-demon beast that punishes children who misbehave. He’s one of the many companions of Saint Nicholas and he shows up on Christmas, so he’s basically the anti-Santa Claus. There are many events dedicated to Krampus during winter. Each year, Germany puts on the Krampuslauf, which is basically a bunch of dudes dressed as demon goats running around trying to scare people. Germany can be weird sometimes. Recently, Krampus was the subject of a horror/comedy film starring Adam Scott, as well as part of an episode of The League, which includes this hilarious clip from which the above image was taken. 

An even more frightening beast was in action this past week. Marshawn Lynch recorded his first touchdown in Silver and Black, much to the delight of Lord Sandwich, who rode Beast Mode’s performance, plus Martavis Bryant’s 15 points, to a decisive win over last place Dixie Normous. Ewing won by 20 points despite getting nothing from Jordy Nelson, who left with a quad injury in the first quarter. This was because, apart from Drew Brews and his 22 points, Nick’s guys did almost nothing for him. His RBs, Jordan Howard and DeMarco Murray, combined for less than four points. Oddly, Ewing also recorded 78 points last week. That might be stranger than the whole Evil Demon-Goat Santa thing.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-1) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (1-1)

110.48 – 83.00

This is the Fernsehturm. It’s an enormous TV tower and arguably Berlin’s most famous landmark. Standing over 1,200 feet high, it’s the tallest building in Germany, and the fourth-tallest freestanding structure in Europe. If the tower kind if has a Communist/Soviet vibe, that’s because it was approved in 1964 (and finished in 1969) by Walter Ulbricht, leader of East Germany’s majority political party at the time. Fun fact: when the sunlight shines through the stainless steel dome near the top, the reflection often comes out in the form of a cross. This phenomenon is called “Rache des Papstes,” or “The Pope’s Revenge,” and was referenced by then-President Ronald Reagan in his famous “Tear Down This Wall” speech. 

The distance between the top of the tower and the ground is less than the distance between Footballdamus and Jop Suey!!! Riez bounced back from his bad Week 1 performance with a dazzling display this past week. C.J. Anderson dropped more than 27 points, while Mike Evans and the Baltimore Ravens defense also had big days. As for Taylor, stellar days from Derek Carr and DeVonta Freeman were wasted thanks to poor showings frim Greg Olsen (who got injured) and Larry Fitzgerald (whose QB is Carson Palmer). Riez more than doubled his Week 1 point total and tallied the third-highest point total of the week. In addition, his 27-point win was almost the biggest asswhooping of the lot. Almost.

BIRDS OF WAR (2-0) DEF. GREATER FOOLS (1-1)

119.68 – 89.66

One of the most famous military tactics ever created, Blitzkreig involves a lot if quick, decisive maneuvering, and a heavy attack, particularly with tanks and air support (and a shit ton of bombs). The tanks penetrate the edges of the enemy’s line of defense, then encircle the rest of the troops ala Ramsay in the Battle of the Bastards. The strategy was used to great effect at the beginning of World War II, particularly during the invasions of Poland and France, as well as in subsiquent attacks on Belgium and the Netherlands. Interestingly, the name “Blitzkreig” was never really used during official military discussions, but was highly referenced in various propaganda pieces throughout the war. 

Anyway, “Blitzkreig” is one of the best ways to describe the can of whoop ass Birds of War opened on Greater Fools. Tom F. Brady returned to being Tom F. Brady with three touchdowns in the first quarter. Michael Crabtree and Ty Montgomery (thanks, BTW), had amazingly productive days. In fact, the former Greater Fool scored more points than both of Dad’s RBs, Leonard Fournette and LeVeon Bell, combined (and 23 more than LeGarrette Blount). Further problems could be lurking with Doug Baldwin and Tyler Eifert, whose offenses have been mediocre at best so far. Hey, Dad. Biggest blowout of the week, 8-5 head-to-head, +20 point differential, and another pebble added to the ever-growing hill.

STANDINGS

THE STANDINGS THAT MATTER:

WRs-R-Us (2-0)
Birds of War (2-0)
Lord Sandwich (2-0)
Wild Hogs (1-1)
The Krispy Kritters (1-1)
Jop Suey!!! (1-1)
Footballdamus (1-1)
Greater Fools (1-1)
C’s Champion Team (1-1)
49ers (0-2)
Footballdamus (0-2)
Dixie Normous (0-2)

SCORER STANDINGS:

WRs-R-Us (2-0)
Birds of War (2-0)
Jop Suey!!! (2-0)
Wild Hogs (1-1)
The Krispy Kritters (1-1)
Footballdamus (1-1)
Lord Sandwich (1-1)
Greater Fools (1-1)
49ers (1-1)
C’s Champion Team (0-2)
Fred Sanford (Dummy) (0-2)
Dixie Normous (0-2)

COMBINED STANDINGS:

WRs-R-Us (4-0)
Birds of War (4-0)
Jop Suey!!! (3-1)
Lord Sandwich (3-1)
Wild Hogs (2-2)
The Krispy Kritters (2-2)
Footballdamus (2-2)
Greater Fools (2-2)
49ers (1-3)
C’s Champion Team (1-3)
Fred Sanford (Dummy) (0-4)
Dixie Normous (0-4)

POINTS LEADERBOARD:

WRs-R-Us (221.64)
Birds of War (196.16)
Wild Hogs (190.66)
The Krispy Kritters (170.96)
Jop Suey!!! (166.58)
Footballdamus (158.32)
Lord Sandwich (157.70)
Greater Fools (155.86)
49ers (151.54)
Fred Sanford (Dummy) (139.66)
C’s Champion Team (135.86)
Dixie Normous (124.88)

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

I’m in Europe, so I don’t care. Instead, I’ve attached some vacation photos. Normal news service will resume in two weeks.

HIGHLIGHTS

In case you haven’t noticed, then formatting is a little weird. That’s because gmail is even dumber on a phone/tablet. So, sorry about that.

ACTUAL FOOTBALL:

Geno Atkins baptises DeShaun Watson. https://streamable.com/4jwol

Watson then rips off a 49-yard TD run. https://streamable.com/ytmtc

J.J. Watt with the game-ending homicide. https://streamable.com/0qqtl

Derrick Henry trucks Jalen Ramsey. https://i.imgur.com/qjj0FCF.gifv

Jamal Agnew with the back breaking 88-yard punt return TD. https://streamable.com/cthis

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

Photog decks a cheerleader at the Chiefs-Eagles game. https://www.sbnation.com/lookit/2017/9/17/16322934/sound-guy-runs-into-cheerleader-chiefs-eagles

Chargers (playing at home) miss the game-winning field goal. Celebratory fireworks go off anyway.  http://thecomeback.com/nfl/chargers-set-off-fireworks-missing-game-winning-field-goal.html

Devonta Freeman trying out for the NBA. https://streamable.com/nwak2

Vance Joseph gets an explanation from an official. https://gfycat.com/CornySplendidHind

Marshawn Lynch sideline dance. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hMDUjleeUTE

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

We’re going all the way to D-III for the single weirdest field goal you will ever see. Texas Lutheran kicker Tyler Hopkins has his 18-yard attempt blocked, but the ball bounces in front of him. So, he kicks it AGAIN off the bounce and it goes through the uprights. Should it have counted? No. Did the refs give them the three points? Of course they did! D-III football, everyone!https://t.co/DZv9uaZ66z

STAT OF THE WEEK

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40
Nick: $40
Tyler G: $40
Kyle: $40
Brian: $40
Tyler E: $40
Dad: $40

Taylor: nein
Chriss: nein
Jimmy: nein
Riez: nein
Richard: nein

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-1) VS. WRS-R-US (2-0)

WRs-R-Us looks to improve their perfect start to the season against a team filled with potential, but also with plenty of questions. On paper, the Krispy Kritter offense can do some big damage. But, Richard’s stellar WRs, DeAndre Hopkins and Odell Beckham, Jr., are hampered by their own offenses’ mediocre showings. Meanwhile, Ezekiell Elliott had the worst game of his career last week. Granted, it was against a top defense, but who knows if it’s a sign of things to come. Kyle’s balanced attack may be ready to strike again, especially with Kareem Hunt. But, Marcus Mariota, Melvin Gordon, and Coby Fleener could face some trouble against strong defenses this week.

LORD SANDWICH (2-0) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-1)

Another team looking to start 3-0, Lord Sandwich may be in trouble against Footballdamus, coming off an incredible turnaround. Matt Ryan, Mike Evans, and C.J. Anderson went off last week, and have more good matchups this week. In addition for Riez, the Baltimore Ravens defense gets to prey on Blake Bortles, much to the ironic torture of Ewing, who has to worry about the health of Jordy Nelson and his quad. Could Martavis Bryant, Marshawn Lynch and Joe Flacco (lol) pickup the slack if Nelson is forced to miss this week’s game (and perhaps even more time)? Probably. Will it be enough to get the win if Riez’s squad performs like they did last week? Maybe not.

BIRDS OF WAR (2-0) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (1-1)

Tom Brady, Michael Crabtree, and Ty Montgomery had sensational games last week, and could follow up those performances against vulnerable defenses this week. It will also be important to my continuing to whoop ass that Jarvis Laundry has another solid game, and Kyle Rudolph returns to form (or has a better QB throwing to him). As for Taylor, Derek Carr and Devonta Freeman should have big days, but can the rest of the Jop Suey!!! offense, like Keenan Allen and Jay Ajayi follow suit? Taylor will have to hope so if he wants to avoid becoming the third straight victim of the Birds of War.

WILD HOGS (1-1) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-2)

After a tepid and disappointing Week 2, Wild Hogs looks to get back on form this week. They’re getting a gift: the last place Dixie Normous as their opponent. Though Drew Brees is still Drew Brees, Nick’s so far unspectacular RB duo of Jordan Howard and DeMarco Murray must step up if he wants any chance at avoiding an 0-3 start. Jimmy hasn’t been impacted much by Cam Newton’s two sorry performances (because of Antonio Brown, Tyreek Hill, and Christian McCaffrey) and shouldn’t be so again this week. But how long into the season can that continue? We may not need much longer to find out.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (0-2) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-1)

C’s Champion Team got a rare win last week, and is looking to get an unheard of second straight victory against Fred Sanford (Dummy), who are hoping to get their first win. Chriss has Aaron Rodgers, Amari Cooper, and the Kansas City Chiefs defense up in some pretty enticing matchups. However, he also doesn’t have a TE I’m his lineup (fix your damn team!). As for Brian, his squad lives and dies as the Buffalo Bills do, which is always a solid strategy. This week, they’re playing the Denver Broncos, so the “die” route will probably be the one he goes down. Travis Kelce and Dez Bryant can’t do everything, after all.

49ERS (0-2) VS. GREATER FOOLS (1-1)

This is a close matchup on paper, but both the 49ers and Greater Fools could be undone by potential health issues. For Gee, it’s time for Gronk’s annual injury. Considering Philip Rivers has a tough matchup with Kansas City, Julio Jones might need to have a huge game against Detroit to boost Gee’s offense. For Dad, it’s Terrence West, who will be needed to pick up the hole that will be left by Leonard Fournette as he struggles to get yards against the Baltimore Ravens defense. He’ll also have to hope Doug Baldwin and the Seattle offense break out of their funk, and DeVante Adams benefits from a possible absence by Jordy Nelson.

One more week in Europe. Time to drink the best beer I’ve ever had. I’ll make a toast to you guys and my continuing to kick your asses.

Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner
Epic League of Epic Epicness