I have seen the rolling hills of Japan. I have walked where the Berlin Wall once stood. I have gazed upon the Mona Lisa with my own eyes. And now, I have waited at the Reykjavik Airport for about an hour.
After 11 days of galavanting across Germany and France, I’m a little less than halfway home right now. I’ve had to wake up at 6 a.m., catch a four-hour train ride from Paris to Frankfurt, wait two hours, and fly nearly four hours to Iceland’s capital city, where I await the next leg of my return journey.
This was a hell of a trip. Europe is an interesting place, and I had a lot of fun overseas. If I had to narrow down my top three experiences on my vacation, I’d choose going to the Eiffel Tower (where I spotted SportsCenter anchor Stan Verrett), last night’s Champions League match between Paris Saint-Germain and Bayern Munich, and Oktoberfest.
Ah, Oktoberfest. Its a magical place of colors and lights and sounds, filled with Germans dressed in fancy clothes getting shitfaced, eating bratwurst and pretzels, and singing to their hearts’ content. Because I like the idea of having a weekly theme, this week’s recaps will be tied in with the annual beer fest, specifically its biggest attractions.
In Munich, there are six main breweries (pictured in the link above). Only they are allowed to brew and sell the special Oktoberfest beer each year. As such, these six have the biggest tents at the fest (they’re basically large barns). I went inside all six tents during my stay in Munich, so I’ve assigned a tent to each recap based solely on how much I enjoyed my time there.
Again, sorry for the shitty format. Regular style resumes next week!
WEEK 3 RECAP
FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-1) DEF. LORD SANDWICH (2-1)
64.36 – 57.82
Hofbräuhaus — I actually went to the brewery/restaurant beforehand, where I got the joy of trying actual wienerschnitzel (way different than the shitty American fast food chain). So, I was excited to go to inside its tent. However, even though there was a decent crowd hanging out, it was pretty dead inside, with no music playing and way too much room to sit down for a proper Oktoberfest tent. Did it stop me from taking a seat and having a beer? No, but the point still stands.
It was much like Lord Sandwich, who had tried two straight weeks of his team’s play and gotten two wins. But, when Ewing went out there for week three, his squad (mainly Joe Flacco, his actual team, and his NEGATIVE points) was a major disappointment. I saw the score of the Ravens-Jaguars game and thought I was way too drunk (to be fair, I was getting there). But, it was good for Footballdamus! Riez keeps rising up the rankings thanks to decent weeks from Matt Ryan and Michael Thomas.
WRS-R-US (3-0) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-2)
118.20 – 106.50
Spaten — This was the first tent I went into and the atmosphere inside was never topped. As kids say these days, it was “lit.” It was always filled with loud, thunderous lyrics to “Ein Prosit” and plenty of drinks. Every time I went inside, it was like the opening sceen of Beerfest. They also had really good pretzels and a beautiful stream of light blue and white ribbons stretched across the ceiling. I’m glad I got this as my first experience, because it gave me a proper standard to hold every other place to.
This matchup was the most “lit” one so far. Both WRs-R-Us and the Krispy Kritters topped 100 points, the first time two opposing teams have done so all season. Unfortunately for Richard, the great efforts of Kirk Cousins, OBJ, Ezekiell Elliott, and Calvin Cook were not enough to top Kyle, who improved to 3-0 thanks to strong showings from basically everyone on his roster. Three games, three high-scoring and balanced results. He’s looking like the Kansas City Chiefs out there.
BIRDS OF WAR (3-0) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (1-2)
90.42 – 78.92
Paulaner — My personal favorite tent, and not just because I was drawn in by the band inside playing “Sweet Caroline.” This place was lively well until closing time, and had the best music of any tent I went inside. The beer was good, I got good seats, and there were plenty of drunk Germans falling off the benches they were standing on. It wasn’t the biggest of most hyped, but it still had some good entertainment to offer and was much closer to peak Oktoberfest than one might think.
This matchup was closer than some thought it would be at the end of Monday. But, in spite of a flashback effort from Larry Fitzgerald, Jop Suey!!! became the latest victim of the mighty Birds of War. Both had disappointing showings from key players. Taylor suffered from Derek Carr’s poor day (and leaving Stefon Diggs and his 30 points on the bench), while I had multiple players with less than a point. Still, Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks did work, which was good news for me!
FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (1-2) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-2)
99.32 – 62.62
Augustiner — One of Germany’s oldest breweries, this place has been making beer since around 500 years before the United States existed. However, the tent had a much similar atmosphere to an older crowd: quieter, more reserved, more talk than dance. It was the opposite of what I’ve come to expect from an Oktoberfest tent. Maybe it’s because I visited this tent later in the evening, but then again some of the other tents were still going much stronger at the same time.
Speaking of old guys, congrats to Fred Sanford (Dummy) on their first win of the season! The Buffalo Bills were surprisingly good last week, and Brian also got a huge game from Chris Thompson. As for C’s Champion Team, Aaron Rodgers and the Kansas City Chiefs defense can’t do everything. Even if Chriss had sat Amari Cooper and his hands of stone, and started Sammy Watkins and his 23 points, he still would have lost. There’s got to be a better team effort going forward.
49ERS (1-2) DEF. GREATER FOOLS (1-2)
99.18 – 71.04
Löwenbräu — This ended up being my least favorite tent of the “Big Six.” I don’t know if all of the partying earlier in the day was amazing, but when I arrived, the place was dead and a good chunk of the floor was covered in rain water (it had been pouring pretty hard a couple of hours beforehand). While it was later in the evening, I entered the Paulaner tent right across the path immediately after this. Seeing as that was much more fun than this one, I say there’s no excuse in this case.
This matchup was also over early, as soon as Todd Gurley went gangbusters and brought in 33 points for the 49ers (irony). Gee pretty much had his first win of the season sewed up after that, even with a poor effort from Philip Rivers, who had less points than he has kids. Meanwhile, Greater Fools had their best combined RB showing, with LeVeon Bell and Leonard Fournette adding 30 points altogether. But, a trio of goose eggs at the bottom of the lineup doomed Dad in the end.
WILD HOGS (2-1) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-3)
103.18 – 78.30
Hacker-Pschorr — Though it’s technically a part of Paulaner, this brewery retains its independence, which is a good thing, because look at that tent. It’s beautiful. I was nearly blown away just by walking inside and seeing it for myself. It also has really good beer, even when compared to its contemporaries in Germany. Now, the atmosphere inside was a little subdued, which was a bit surprising. But overall, it was a pretty fun place to sit down and have a beer or six (in Oktoberfest terms).
The Wild Hogs offense, when it performs up to its potential, is also a sight to see. Antonio Brown, Tyreek Hill, Chris Hogan, and Carlos Hyde all balled out, putting Jimmy in the driver’s seat and back in the win column. As for Dixie Normous, Drew Brees and DeMarco Murray played well, but the rest of the lineup has to step up if they want to get their first win of the year. Things would have been a hell of a lot closer had Nick put Jordan Howard and his 26 points into the lineup. But, as they say in France, “C’est
STANDINGS
THE STANDINGS THAT MATTER:
WRs-R-Us (3-0)
Birds of War (3-0)
Wild Hogs (2-1)
Footballdamus (2-1)
Lord Sandwich (2-1)
The Krispy Kritters (1-2)
49ers (1-2)
Jop Suey!!! (1-2)
Fred Sanford (Dummy) (1-2)
Greater Fools (1-2)
C’s Champion Team (1-2)
Dixie Normous (0-3)
SCORER STANDINGS:
WRs-R-Us (3-0)
Birds of War (3-0)
Wild Hogs (2-1)
The Krispy Kritters (2-1)
49ers (2-1)
Jop Suey!!! (2-1)
Fred Sanford (Dummy) (1-2)
Greater Fools (1-2)
Footballdamus (1-2)
Lord Sandwich (1-2)
Dixie Normous (0-3)
C’s Champion Team (0-3)
COMBINED STANDINGS:
WRs-R-Us (6-0)
Birds of War (6-0)
Wild Hogs (4-2)
The Krispy Kritters (3-3)
49ers (3-3)
Jop Suey!!! (3-3)
Footballdamus (3-3)
Lord Sandwich (3-3)
Fred Sanford (Dummy) (2-4)
Greater Fools (2-4)
C’s Champion Team (1-5)
Dixie Normous (0-6)
POINTS LEADERBOARD:
WRs-R-Us (339.84)
Wild Hogs (293.84)
Birds of War (286.58)
The Krispy Kritters (277.46)
49ers (250.72)
Jop Suey!!! (245.50)
Fred Sanford (Dummy) (238.98)
Greater Fools (226.90)
Footballdamus (222.68)
Lord Sandwich (215.52)
Dixie Normous (203.18)
C’s Champion Team (198.48)
THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES
Me: (drinking at Oktoberfest)
“Hmm… I wonder what’s going on in the world of football. Let me just check…”
(asks for another beer)
So… more vacation photos!
HIGHLIGHTS
ACTUAL FOOTBALL:
Jake Elliott makes a 61-yard game-winning field goal. https://streamable.com/ryue2
How the hell did Devonta Freeman hold on to the ball? http://video.nfl.com/films/vodzilla/81059/Devonta_Freeman_holds_on_in_heavy_traffi-zgtM7EsI-20170924_101948580_5000k.mp4
LeGarrette Blount trucks a dude for a first down. http://video.nfl.com/films/vodzilla/81078/LeGarrette_Blount_bulldozes_over_defende-24wI6VGg-20170924_103811765_5000k.mp4
OBJ adds another one-handed catch to his highlight reel. http://video.nfl.com/films/vodzilla/81278/Odell_Beckham_with_a_Touchdown_vs_Philad-jhJpVK5I-20170924_123903300_5000k.mp4
DeMarco Murray with a weaving 75-yard TD run. http://video.nfl.com/films/vodzilla/81475/DeMarco_Murray_with_a_Spectacular_Rush_v-95gNtq8G-20170924_154026463_5000k.mp4
Marcus Williams makes a nice one-handed snag to intercept a Cam Newton pass. http://video.nfl.com/films/vodzilla/81258/Marcus_Williams_with_an_Interception_vs_-bF010xT6-20170924_122707883_5000k.mp4
Jordan Leslie with an amazing catch. http://video.nfl.com/films/vodzilla/81186/Jordan_Leslie_with_a_Spectacular_Recepti-kYSdmGno-20170924_113744377_5000k.mp4
Brandin Cooks with the game-winning toe tap catch. http://video.nfl.com/films/vodzilla/81327/Brandin_Cooks_with_a_Receiving_Yard_vs_H-q0bsqj6U-20170924_131754571_5000k.mp4
When the Jacksonville Jaguars run a fake punt against you while up 37-0, you know you had a bad day. https://streamable.com/3zd6m
At the end of the first half, the Chicago Bears block a field goal attempt by the Pittsburgh Steelers. Marcus Cooper picks it up and it looks like a shoe-in for a TD. But, Cooper pulls a Leon Lett and has the ball knocked out before the goal line. Because of a penalty after the block, the Bears got an untimed down just outside the endzone. The Steelers, who had already gone into the locker room, had to come back out for the play. But, the Bears false started and had to settle for a field goal. Chicago still somehow won the game. https://streamable.com/qzchl
OTHER SHENANIGANS:
Von Miller gets a penalty for being a dick. http://video.nfl.com/films/vodzilla/81318/New_Video-808Dz5fe-20170924_130922115_5000k.mp4
OBJ pretends he’s a dog taking a piss. https://twitter.com/NOTSportsCenter/status/912040455147225089
Matt Ryan knew the Atlanta Falcons won by the skin if their teeth. https://imgur.com/4R2AqEm?r
The Detroit Lions’ post-game meal catches on fire. https://twitter.com/KINGoftheKC/status/912051233199935489
Chris Godwin appears to shit himself on the field. https://imgur.com/lg6Su8C?r
A Cleveland Browns fan with a worse play than anything his team ran. https://twitter.com/barstoolhrtland/status/911977081332027392
Me playing it cool at Oktoberfest. https://gfycat.com/IlliteratePertinentElkhound
COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:
How do you liven up a home crowd when you’re beating the shit out of a mid-major? If you’re Louisville, you get a squirrel to run for a touchdown. https://twitter.com/FOXSportsSouth/status/911642449847525376
STAT OF THE WEEK
DUES TALLY
Ruben: $40
Nick: $40
Tyler G: $40
Kyle: $40
Brian: $40
Tyler E: $40
Dad: $40
Taylor: non
Chriss: non
Jimmy: non
Riez: non
Richard: non
THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS
WILD HOGS (2-1) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-1)
Third and fourth place battle it out in our highest ranked matchup of the Week. It’s also the closest by far in terms of projected points. Wild Hogs has Antonio Brown, Christian McCaffrey, and Carlos Hyde in matchups against venerable defenses. But, Jimmy may need Cam Newton to not play like ass this week to put him over the top. That’s because Footballdamus features a red hot Matt Ryan and other potential fireworks on offense. However, the Baltimore Ravens defense can’t let Riez down again.
BIRDS OF WAR (3-0) VS. LORD SANDWICH (2-1)
Speaking of the Ravens letting people down, Lord Sandwich has to hope Joe Flacco gets positive points this time around. It may depend on which Steelers defense he plays (the one which whooped the Vikings, or the one which lost to the Bears). Or, Ewing could be a non-homer and start Dak Prescott. I say, keep Mr. “Elite” in the lineup. The Birds of War has Tom Brady, so I think I’m good either way. By the way, thanks again for the whole Angels game thing. I’ll repay you by only winning by 25 this week.
GREATER FOOLS (1-2) VS. WRS-R-US (3-0)
Greater Fools appears to have a great chance to stop WRs-R-Us from going 4-0. But, more may have to go right for Dad than may be evident. Most of his guys have good matchups, but Carson Wentz’s favorite target, Alshon Jeffery, is on Kyle’s team. Terrance West and Leonard Fournette both face possibly stifling defenses. Plus, if Marcus Mariota and Kareem Hunt stay rolling, and the Jacksonville Jaguars defense keeps its ’85 Bears impression going, it may not even matter.
49ERS (1-2) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (1-2)
It’s early, but this game might prove to be important for both teams come the end of the playoff race. The 49ers have been better than their record so far, and look to keep their momentum going. Jop Suey!!! could have plenty of fireworks in store, but Taylor needs Devonta Freeman to keep it going, and Derek Carr to not play like whatever the hell Sunday night was. This could all come down to the Seahawks-Colts game. If Seattle really has woken up, it may already be a wrap for Gee.
THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-2) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-2)
The Krispy Kritters have been playing strong, but unlucky, through three games. But this week, they’ve been given a gift in the form of C’s Champion Team, the lowest scoring team in the league. Aaron Rodgers could put up some big numbers for Chriss, but he also needs Amari Cooper to stop dropping the fucking ball. His Kansas City Chiefs defense is also facing Richard’s QB, Kirk Cousins. That has to go well for him to have any hope of an upset. Jeremy Maclin’s health could also play a role.
FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (1-2) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-3)
Can Dixie Normous finally get their first win of the season against the defending champs? Drew Brees and DeMarco Murray should continue to do work, but Nick needs the rest of his team (particularly his so far disappointing WRs) to actually so something this week. Meanwhile, Fred Sanford (Dummy) goes as the Buffalo Bills go. This week, they face the Atlanta Falcons, so it might not go well. But, they did beat the Denver Broncos last week (and Brian won), so you never know.
Alright, my next plane is about to board. I’ve got a nearly eight-hour flight from Reykjavik to Seattle, followed by a two-hour wait and a two-hour flight to Sac. Yikes. Oh well, I’ll always have Paris.
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner
Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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