Ruben's Writings

Sorry this week’s newsletter is so late! I got called into work yesterday, so I lost a lot of normal writing time. I guess in some ways it was a good thing, because I’m able to pass this bit of breaking news on.

This has been taped to the window at Nationwide Freezer Meats at 20th and H Streets Downtown. If you’ve never been there (and if you haven’t, too late), it’s this amazing burger shop that sort of started out as a butchery and began selling food. The meat was so delicious and tender (literally you could peel it apart by hand effortlessly) and the flavors of the food were like nothing I’ve found anywhere else. Their burgers have been described by multiple professional restaurant reviewers as “the best burger ever.” It was an extremely accurate description. 

It’s also my go-to spot. Generally, when we reach a certain level of friendship, I take you to Nationwide. My parents rented out the whole joint when I graduated from middle school. I’ve had many memorable moments there. It’s expensive, but it’s like a second home. At least… it was.

My favorite restaurant is closed. Forever. 

WHAT. THE. FUCK. 

So yeah, I get this news to cap off my first week back in North America, after my European Vacation. It was my first trip across the Atlantic, and it was pretty damn awesome. Considering my last two newsletters were pretty Euro-centric, I’ll skip most of what I’d usually detail. But, I must say that I missed many things about the USA, particularly the sports we play here that aren’t as popular in Europe. In particular, baseball!

(cue theme music)

We’re now in October, the low-key best period of time for sports fans. We’ve got hockey and basketball starting up, football is in full swing, and the one month where baseball is exciting is here! The playoffs are underway, and eight teams are battling it out for championship glory (don’t look at the score of the Red Sox-Astros game). To mark the occasion, the theme of this week’s recaps is baseball, particularly the World Series. 

I feel like baseball is the one sport I can get away with doing this. Everyone here’s a baseball fan. With basketball, it’s hit-or-miss, with a few non-watchers and too many m̶a̶s̶o̶c̶h̶i̶s̶t̶s̶ Sacramento Kings fans to make it enjoyable. Hockey would be too niche for you a-holes, and if I did a soccer-themed newsletter, there would be a mutiny. So, grab some pine and get ready to see me swing for the fences of humor.

WEEK 1 RECAP

GREATER FOOLS (2-2) DEF. WRS-R-US (3-1)

100.28 – 75.74

The 1971 World Series featured a powerhouse Baltimore Orioles team which had won the championship the year before. They were coming off a third straight 100-win season and three consecutive sweeps in the American League playoffs. Their lineup included four pitchers with at least 20 wins and a lineup featuring Frank Robinson, Boog Powell (no, not that one or that one), and Brooks Robinson. But, it didn’t matter, because the Pittsburgh Pirates had God on the mound in the form of Steve Blass. After Baltimore won Games 1 and 2, Blass pitched a complete game, three-hitter in Game 3 to turn the momentum in favor of Pittsburgh, who won Games 4 and 5 as well. The Orioles won Game 6, so the Pirates, facing a do-or-die Game 7 on the road, turned to Blass again. Blass delivered, throwing another complete game and only giving up four hits en route to a 2-1 Pirates win and their fourth championship. Despite Blass’ heroics, Roberto Clemente was named World Series MVP (the first Spanish-speaking ballplayer to earn the honor) for hitting safely in all seven games.

46 years later, another Pittsburgh superstar powered a big upset, though with slightly lower stakes at play. LeVeon Bell dropped a 30-burger on WRs-R-Us, who suffered their first loss of the season at the hands of Greater Fools. Dad also got a big boost from Leonard Fournette and Stephen Gostkowski, and won by 25 points despite his flex player, Terrance West, tallying negative points. as for Kyle, solid days from A.J. Green and the Jacksonville Jaguars defense were spoiled by poor showings from Melvin Gordon and Emmanuel Sanders. In addition, Marcus Mariota left early with an injury. Not even Kareem Hunt could save the day this time. At the end of it all, No. 1 went down, the first time the league’s (still) top team has looked remotely human this season. The way it happened was kind of disappointing, too. I mean, what kind of team has their unbeaten record wiped away in a pathetic showing where they score barely half of their average points per game?… wait… (looks at my own matchup)… um… well… shit.

LORD SANDWICH (3-1) DEF. BIRDS OF WAR (3-1)72.28-63.18

After breaking one long drought in 2004, the Boston Red Sox did so again by winning the 2013 World Series. The deciding game — Game 6 — was the first time Boston had clinched a title at its home of Fenway Park in 95 years. David Ortiz, who became the first non-New York player in 30 years to win three titles with the same team, was named MVP after hitting a stupid .688 during the series. The third title in nine years (after 2004 and 2007) capped an emotional year which saw the city rally around the Red Sox after the fatal bombing at the Boston Marathon. It also served as a satisfying ending for a phenomenal playoff run that saw not one, but two legendary grand slams, as well as the first ever World Series game to end on a pick-off at first base. The St. Louis Cardinals, losers of this series, were also the team that the Red Sox broke the curse against nine years earlier. This was also the most recent World Series where the home team won the deciding game, and thus the last trophy presentation to take place on the field, instead of the visitor locker room. 

What does all of that have to do with this matchup? Absolutely nothing. I just wanted to make myself feel better, because, good lord, this football week was one big foul ball to the nuts. As soon as I get back to the United States for the first time in 12 days (after nearly 24 hours of traveling, mind you), I found out Ty Montgomery broke multiple ribs in the first quarter and had to leave the game. Then, everyone in the Birds of War lineup except for Tom Brady and LeGarrette Blount has a mediocre week, while Lord Sandwich benefits from Montgomery’s absence with Jordy Nelson’s big game. Ewing didn’t take my advice from the last newsletter about starting Joe Flacco and instead made the smart call and chose Dak Prescott, who bounced back and had a great performance. Goodbye, undefeated season! Through all of this, not only do the Oakland Raiders lose do the damn Donkeys, but Derek Carr might be out for as long as six weeks. For a visual representation of what this felt like, watch this clip from South Park and imagine me as the guy and football as Butters. 

FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-1) DEF. WILD HOGS (2-2)64.88 – 52.36

Not all World Series are created equal. Some go just four games but are quite fun to watch (more on that later), while others do the full seven-game monty though don’t deliver good baseball. The 1987 World Series was a great example of the latter. The home team won every game (the first time it had ever happened in a World Series). That’s just boring. Plus, there were no one-run games at all. In fact, not only was the average margin of victory a whopping four runs, but the bottom of the ninth inning was never played in any of the seven games during this series (the only time it’s ever happened). The eventual champs (the Minnesota Twins) set the record for worst win/loss record (85-77) for a World Series winner and were the first to win it all while being outscored during the regular season. The St. Louis Cardinals might’ve taken it had Jack Clark not gotten hurt and Terry Pendleton not been battling a rib injury. Yes, it went seven games and was notable on a number of levels. But was it great, let alone good? Not a chance.

This matchup was billed as something exciting, a good battle between third and fourth place. While it was relatively close, this matchup was, in two words, not good. Wild Hogs and Footballdamus has the lowest and fourth-lowest scores of the week, respectively, and no player on either roster tallied more than 15 points. Neither QB named Matt (Stafford or Ryan) had more than 11 points. Michael Thomas (who finished just under that mark), Mike Evans and C.J. Anderson had solid days, but Riez was almost doomed by less-than-a-point games from Derrick Henry and Mohamed Sanu. But, Jimmy’s guys did even worse, with Antonio Brown and Christian McCaffrey combining for just over eight points and Virgil Green literally doing nothing at all. Still, there was a chance for a comeback on Monday night. But, Tyreek Hill had his least productive game of the season, leaving Jimmy to drop to .500 and Riez with his third straight victory, keeping him in the top four of the Standings That Matter, at least for the time being.

JOP SUEY!!! (2-2) DEF. 49ERS (1-3)128.44 – 110.60

The 1993 Word Series is, of course, best remembered for Joe Carter winning the title for the Toronto Blue Jays with a walk-off three-run home run in Game 6. But, you may not know this series includes the highest-scoring game in World Series history. Down 2-1 in the series and 3-0 in the 1st inning of Game 4, the Philadelphia Phillies responded with four runs of their own in the bottom of the inning, as well as two in the 2nd and five in the 5th. Leading 14-9 and with one out in the top of the 8th, Philadelphia looked prime to even the series at home. But, call it a comeback or a collapse, Toronto scored six runs and won 15-14. Even though Curt Schilling pitched a gem in Game 5 to keep Philly alive, it was only a matter of time before the Blue Jays clinched back-to-back crowns. To this day, the 29 combined runs are a record for any World Series game, and the Phillies’ 14 runs are the most in a single game by a losing team. The night was also notable for Charlie Williams, who became the first African-American to serve as home plate umpire for a World Series game. 

Both teams in this matchup also lit up the scoreboard this week. I said last week that, if the Seattle Seahawks had truly woken up, it would be a wrap for the 49ers (both here and in real life). Well, Seattle woke up. Russell Wilson had 30 points and the Seahawks defense had 20 of their own. With Todd Gurley’s 27 points added on, Gee put up the second-highest score of the week. The problem? Jop Suey!!! was even better, putting up the highest point total of the week thanks to 28 from Andy Dalton (whose team may have finally woken up themselves), 27 from GREG ZUERLEIN, and strong games from Cameron Brate, Wendell Smallwood, and Devonta Freeman. This was highest score Taylor has tallied all season, beating his previous mark by a whopping 45 points. Imagine being Gee, the fourth-highest scorer in the league so far, putting up more points than all but one team this week, only for that team to be the one he’s playing. Meanwhile, the ninth- and tenth-highest scorers are in third and fourth place, respectively. At least Japan was awesome, right?

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-2) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-3)96.46 – 85.66

Remember when I said some World Series only go four games, but were quite entertaining? The 2005 World Series is what I’m talking about. The Chicago White Sox may have swept the Houston Astros for their first title in 88 years, but there were some all-time playoff moments scattered throughout. Games 2 and 3 in particular were memorable. In Game 2, with the White Sox trailing 4-2 in the 7th inning, Paul Konerko hit a grand slam to put Chicago ahead and send the home fans into a frenzy. Houston would score twice in the top of the 9th to tie the game, but Scott Podsednik hit a walk-off home run to put the White Sox up 2-0 in the series. Game 3, not to be outdone, featured 17 different pitchers and 43 different players, and went 14 innings before Chicago scored twice to take the win and virtually end the series (though, it should be noted, 3-0 series leads are not insurmountable). It ended in a sweep, and neither participant has returned (the Astros have a chance this year), but this series was still one of the best of the new millennium.

Much like this matchup, which may have been the best of the lot this week. It didn’t look like it would be, with the Krispy Kritters scoring a whole lot and C’s Champion Team, well, not. But, despite big days from Ezekiel Elliott and DeAndre Hopkins, Richard opened the door for a potential upset by benching Kirk Cousins and Ameer Abdullah in favor of Trevor Siemian and Jeremy Maclin. Chriss tried to take advantage, with Aaron Rodgers and Lamar Miller lighting up the scoreboard and Giovani Bernard having his best game of the season. However, a severe lack of production from the WR corps (barely more than six points combined) wound up being his downfall. That list includes Amari Cooper, who’s been doing his best impression of a child learning a cool way to ride a bike. Anyway the win balances out some touch luck earlier in the season for Richard, who now looks to ride a favorable matchup this week further up the standings. Chriss, meanwhile, slides back down, closer and closer to the all-too-familiar bottom of the standings.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (2-2) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-4)

95.48 – 64.52

Considered by many to be the greatest World Series ever played, the 1991 World Series featured five one-run games, three extra inning games, and a 10-inning Game 7. It was a sort of generational clash, with the Minnesota Twins at the end of their dominance and the Atlanta Braves entering a stretch of their own. It had everything, from legendary pitching to great hitting to clutch plays. It also had the daughter of then-MLB commissioner Fay Vincent getting hit in the head with a foul ball in Game 1, as well as this clusterfuck during Game 2. The series ended with the only run of Game 7, when Gene Larkin hit a walk-off single to give the Twins their third championship (and just their second in Minnesota) and send the Braves into heartbreak. It wouldn’t be the last time for the latter. In what would be a theme for the rest of the 90’s, Atlanta (featuring one of the greatest pitching rotations of all time with Tom Glavine, Greg Maddux, and John Smoltz) would kill it in the regular season but stumble short in the postseason (with the exception of 1995).

Speaking of Atlanta sports teams coming up just short, the Falcons’ own unbeaten start came to an end at the hands of the Buffalo Bills on Sunday. This was food news for Fred Sanford (Dummy), whose roster circles the wagons better than anyone else’s. In particular, Stephen Hauschka and the Bills’ defense delivered standout performances. LeSean McCoy, Kelvin Benjamin, and the 6’6″ douchebag known as Travis Kelce also put up solid showings. Meanwhile, the woes continue for Dixie Normous, who remains the only winless team in the league with a shrinking 0-4 record. Strong games from Drew Brees, Jordan Howard, and Brandon McManus were not enough for Nick to avoid being on the wrong side of the most lopsided result of the week. Things would have been closer had Terrelle Pryor and Mike Walle been in the lineup, but it wouldn’t have mattered in the end. Who knows how long it will take for Nick to finally get win number one, if that first win of the season comes at all. Come on, Nick. Don’t be the Lions.

STANDINGS

THE STANDINGS THAT MATTER:

1. WRs-R-Us (3-1)
2. Birds of War (3-1)
3. Lord Sandwich (3-1)
4. Footballdamus (3-1)
5. Jop Suey!!! (2-2)
6. The Krispy Kritters (2-2)
7. Wild Hogs (2-2)
8. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (2-2)
9. Greater Fools (2-2)
10. 49ers (1-3)
11. C’s Champion Team (1-3)
12. Dixie Normous (0-4)

SCORER STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (3-1)
2. Jop Suey!!! (3-1)
3. The Krispy Kritters (3-1)
4. 49ers (3-1)
5. Birds of War (3-1)
6. Wild Hogs (2-2)
7. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (2-2)
8. Greater Fools (2-2)
9. Lord Sandwich (1-3)
10. Footballdamus (1-3)
11. C’s Champion Team (1-3)
12. Dixie Normous (0-4)

COMBINED STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (6-2)
2. Birds of War (6-2)
3. Jop Suey!!! (5-3)
4. The Krispy Kritters (5-3)
5. 49ers (4-4)
6. Wild Hogs (4-4)
7. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (4-4)
8. Greater Fools (4-4)
9. Lord Sandwich (4-4)
10. Footballdamus (4-4)
11. C’s Champion Team (2-6)
12. Dixie Normous (0-8)

POINTS LEADERBOARD:

1. WRs-R-Us (415.58)
2. Jop Suey!!! (373.94)
3. The Krispy Kritters (373.92)
4. 49ers (361.32)
5. Birds of War (349.76)
6. Wild Hogs (346.20)
7. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (334.46)
8. Greater Fools (327.18)
9. Lord Sandwich (287.80)
10. Footballdamus (287.56)
11. C’s Champion Team (284.14)
12. Dixie Normous (267.70)

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

Me: The controversy surrounding NFL players kneeling during the anthem and everyone’s strong opinion one way or the other will surely continue to be the biggest story of the week.

Cam Newton: Hold my beer.

At a press conference yesterday, Jourdan Rodrigue, a Carolina Panthers beat reporter for the Charlotte Observer, asked Cam Newton a question about Devin Funchess and his ability to be physical by running routes. The fact that this semi-advanced football knowledge question was asked by a female seemed to amuse Newton, who thought it’d be funny to point it out. Quite a few people disagreed. 

Skip to around the 6:50 mark of this clip to hear the exchange yourselves. If anything, it’s actually WORSE than reading it in print. It’s also not the first time Newton has had a controversy involving a female reporter. The fact that he looks like a fuckboy with whatever the hell he’s growing on his chin doesn’t help either.

Rodrigue gave her side of what happened next.

Yikes. Apparently Newton talked with her and regretted saying what he said, but didn’t apologize for the remarks. The Panthers themselves issued a weak attempt at a statement later. Now, Newton has even lost his yogurt endorsement and is in trouble with Gatorade. Apparently, Rodrigue isn’t such an angel, either.

Regardless of whether you think Newton is a sexist asshole (kinda seems like it) or the world has simply gotten too soft that innocent comments like this are seen as offensive (you’re an idiot), you have to admit that the guy is a dumbass for even considering that this was a good idea to say out loud. This was just a reporter asking a normal question at a press conference, but instead it turned into a major deal. What the hell was he thinking? Maybe the words just fumbled their way out his mouth and he wasn’t able recover. I know this guy hasn’t proven to be the sharpest tool in the shed, but there has to be a shred of common sense that tells you “perhaps it’s not a good plan to randomly say this patronizing thing to a reporter who’s asking me a legit question about my job.”

Oh well. As they say, hindsight is 50/50.

Anyway, we’re now a quarter of the way through the NFL season. As the weather cools down, injuries to key players seem to heat up. Here are just a few. Guess which one made me want to punch a kicking net?

Derek Carr could miss as many as six weeks with his injury, which is just fantastic. It’s not like the Raiders offense goes to shit without him and Oakland is already missing Michael Crabtree (chest injury) and Amari Cooper (lack of hands). We’ll be just fine.

As for the Ty Montgomery, who was the centerpiece of a trade I made to try and salvage my RB corps after my first overall pick, David Johnson, got injured, he apparently will try and play this week against the Dallas Cowboys. Part of me hopes he’ll gut it out, but more of me thinks he’ll be ineffective and only make the injury worse. All I want is whatever’s best for my fantasy team.

Montgomery’s teammate. Davante Adams, is also trying to play this week, despite getting concussed by a reckless hit by Danny Trevathan. At least the NFL is taking a hard line on this sort of behavior on the field and suspending Trevathan for multiple games.

Oh. Good ‘ol NFL! Meanwhile, there’s one more big potential return from injury.

That’s Spanish for “I’m back” in case you were wondering. The first overall pick in this past draft might finally take the field this week, which would be nice for Cleveland Browns fans. They need literally everything they can get at this point. At least they apparently didn’t miss out on this young talent, unlike with…

Holy hell, Deshaun Watson is killing it right now! There’s been this thought for the better part of the past decade that the Houston Texans are only a QB away from being a legit Super Bowl contender. Well, after enduring David Carr, Matt Schuab, Case Keenum, Brian Hoyer, Brock Osweiler, Tom Savage, etc., the Texans may have finally found the guy they need to make that leap. We’ll see if he can keep up his play this season and build upon it in the years to come, but you’ve got to feel good for Houston. As football fans whose team left for freaking Tennessee of all places, endured years of rooting for a terrible expansion franchise, and just had a hurricane ravage their home, they certainly deserve it.

At this point, it’s gotta be a two-horse race between Watson and Kareem Hunt for OROY, right? That is, unless a new contender emerges.

The titty kisser has been unleashed! It took the Chicago Bears four weeks to realize Mike “The Human Giraffe” Glennon is not the answer to their problems, but now Mitch Trubisky, who looked really, really good in the preseason, finally takes the reigns. In a nationally-televised game. Against a divisional opponent with a tough defense. This is either going to go amazingly well or incredibly terrible, with no in-between. 

Speaking of things going terribly wrong…

Who would’ve thought moving a team with long, historic ties to a major city to another place where they’ll always play third fiddle to the Raiders and Rams and have to play in a soccer stadium until their new home (that they won’t even be the main tenant of) is ready was a terrible idea? On one hand, I feel terrible for the fans in San Diego who had their team desert them, as well as the players who had no real say in the matter but, as the face of the team, have to endure the consequences. On the other, screw the Bolts.

Alright, I think that’s it for this week. Although, I feel like there’s another big story that kind of got swept under the rug with everything that happened. I wonder what it was…

… whatever. It’ll come to me, don’t worry. If not, I’ll acquit. 

HIGHLIGHTS

ACTUAL FOOTBALL:

• Jordy Nelson jukes a pair of defenders on his way to a big gain.
• Todd Gurley sends a defender to the shadow realm on the longest touchdown catch of his career.
• The New York Jets run a fake punt on 4th and 21 and get the first down.
• Bilial Powell takes it up the middle and hits the ground, but is not called down. So, he gets back up and runs for the 75-yard TD.
• Elijah McGuire with a 69-yard TD of his own.
• Myles Jack with the 81-yard fumble return TD.
• Russell Wilson takes the hit and gets the 23-yard rushing TD.
• Captain Feminist becomes the first QB in the Super Bowl era to tally 50 career rushing TDs.
• Graham Gano beats the New England Patriots.
• Tyrod Taylor rolls out, scrambles, and gets the 44-yard connection to Charles Clay.
• Taylor somehow gets the first down.
• LeGarrette Blount channels his inner Beast Mode.
• This kind of shit always seems to happen against the Raiders.
• Literally the only good thing Oakland did all game.
• How the hell did Tyler Kroft make this TD catch?
• Great play design for O.J. Howard’s first career TD reception.
• Larry Fitzgerald with the walk-off TD catch.
• Josh Norman hit on Travis Kelce.

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Me when I found out about Derek Carr’s injury.
• Mike Glennon with the unintentional six-yard punt.
• Jay Cutler really sells this wildcat play.
• Someone tell OBJ fingers aren’t supposed to bend that way.
• Both Antonio Brown and Philip Rivers lose their shit on the sideline. Guess which one Terry Bradshaw called a spoiled brat? Hint: it wasn’t the white QB.
• Matt Ryan should stick to quarterbacking.
• Juju Smith-Schuster channeles his inner 90’s kid with this Kamehameha TD celebration.
• Who throws a shoe, honestly?
• The San Francisco 49ers’ season in a nutshell.
• Marquette King is back in the saddle again.
• Von Miller schools Deion Sanders on the proper hen to rooster ratio inside chicken coops. If you think this is BS, Miller majored in Poultry Science at Texas A&M and plans to open a chicken farm when he retires.
• Turns out, Travis Kelce demolished the single season receptions record last year. But, he had a terrible YPC rate.
• Kareem Hunt went to Toledo. Toledo’s mascot is the Rockets. So, what better way to show how well he’s been doing this season than with jetpacks?
• Down 23-20 with four seconds left, the Washington Redskins try for a miracle lateral play at the end of the game, but fail spectacularly, with Justin Houston picking up the fumble for the last second TD and a 29-20 final score. Gamblers had kind of a meltdown afterwards, because the six-point swing not only flipped the over/under (47.5) results, but also the spread (-6.5). This is why I don’t bet on sports.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Virginia Tech fans were pretty thrilled to play host to ESPN’s College Gameday this past weekend. One Hokie fan got so excited, he decided to throw up the “VT” hand gesture. But, he forgot how fingers work.

STAT OF THE WEEK

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Nick: $40

Tyler G: $40

Kyle: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Taylor: 0

Chriss: 0

Jimmy: 0

Riez: 0

Richard: 0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

BIRDS OF WAR (3-1) VS. WILD HOGS (2-2)

This is either going to be a great matchup or a terrible one. My Birds of War are dealing with a number of injury concerns, specifically Ty Montgomery and Michael Crabtree. However, even if they don’t miss any more time, questions still remain, like how productive will they be considering the extent of the injury (Montgomery) and having E.J. Manuel for a QB (Crabtree). I may need Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks to ball out again, which, considering they’re facing one of the worst pass defenses in football, is not out of the realm of possibility. As for Wild Hogs, the chance of Matt Stafford, Antonio Brown and Tyreek Hill all having mediocre games again is slim, though all three are facing opponents which could bring more trouble than many may think. Jimmy also has Carlos Hyde and Chris Hogan in what should be advantageous matchups. Both defenses (Cardinals and Rams) could be in for long days against strong opponents (Eagles and Seahawks), so both squads will likely have to rely on only their offenses, which are vulnerable this week.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (2-2) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-1)

Arguably the most surprising team in the league, Footballdamus hopes to continue its strong start to the season against Fred Sanford (Dummy), which may be starting a big run of its own after some early stumbles. The key for this matchup, as it is with any featuring Brian, is the Buffalo Bills game. This week, they’re playing the Cincinnati Bengals, who, since firing their offensive coordinator, have gone from terrible to maybe not so terrible. The Bills, who just beat the Denver Broncos and Atlanta Falcons back-to-back, could be primed for another big showing this week. That would not be good news for Riez, who actually has a problem at QB this week. With Matt Ryan on a bye, he has to turn to either Jared Goff (who’s having a stellar year but is facing a tough defense) or Carson Palmer (who has looked poor this season). Right now, he’s going with Palmer. But, with C.J. Anderson and Michael Thomas also on byes, Mike Evans, Derrick Henry, and Bilal Powell are going to have to step up, especially if the Bills have a good day.

GREATER FOOLS (2-2) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (2-2)

As mentioned earlier, Jop Suey!!! is coming off by far its best performance of the season, setting a new scoring high by 45 points. Well, Greg Zuerlein probably won’t get 27 points again, so it will be up to Andy Dalton and Jay Ajayi to show if they really are reliable to carry a fantasy football offense. Wendell Smallwood may also give Taylor a boost with a favorable matchup, particularly if the Philadelphia Eagles offense gets close to the goal line. If they go run instead of pass in the red zone, it would be to the detriment of Greater Fools, who are hoping Carson Wentz can continue his productive start to the season. Dad’s RBs, LeVeon Bell and Leonard Fournette, happen to be going head-to-head this week. Both Pittsburgh and Jacksonville have shown Iron Curtain-like run defenses, and have also opened up like Kylie Jenner. Dad will be hoping for the latter if he wants to follow up his own strong showing from last week. Doug Baldwin hasn’t necessarily been part of Seattle’s offensive resurgence, so if he can regain his form as well, it would be another positive. 

49ERS (1-3) VS. LORD SANDWICH (3-1)

Lord Sandwich has been fortunate with winning low-scoring games, while the 49ers have had some rotten luck in losing shootouts. So, how is this year’s edition of the Tyler Bowl going to play out? Well, both Russell Wilson and Dak Prescott are projected to ball out this week, and both defenses (Seahawks and Titans) have favorable matchups (Rams and Dolphins). But apart from that, there could be some offensive struggles. For Ewing, Marshawn Lynch and Jonathan Stewart are going up against defenses particularly adept at stopping the run, while Martavis Bryant could be limited if the Steelers go light in the pass for their game plan. However, Jordy Nelson should be set for another big game. For Gee, Todd Gurley and Tarik Cohen are facing potential struggles of their own, while Will Fuller is going up against arguably the best defense in football. But, Latavius Murray could see his production bloom as a potential replacement for Dalvin Cook in the Minnesota Vikings offense as the season continues. 

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-3) VS. WRS-R-US (3-1)

After last week’s disappointing loss, it’s easy to look at WRs-R-Us this week and think they have an easy opportunity for to bounce back and win. However, things could become derailed quickly should Marcus Mariota not being able to suit up. Jacoby Brissett would be the next man up, but even though the Indianapolis Colts are playing a vulnerable San Francisco 49ers defense, the production still may not be there in the end. T.Y. Hilton and Melvin Gordon would have to play well for Kyle to make up for it. Meanwhile, A.J. Green and Kareem Hunt are facing potential struggles of their own against stingy defenses. As for C’s Champion Team, Aaron Rodgers should be stellar as usual. But that might be it. Amari “Hands of Stone” Cooper, Sammy Watkins, Lamar Miller, and Giovani Bernard could also have good games, though considering their matchups, it would be a stretch to say all of them would be productive this week. Depending on whether or not the Houston Texans are real, the Kansas City Chiefs defense could be a hit or miss for Chriss as well.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-2) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-4)

Is this the week Dixie Normous finally gets in the win column? They’ve got a surprisingly good shot. While the Krispy Kritters have been high-scoring so far this season, a pair of key byes (Kirk Cousins and the Denver Broncos defense) could put a halt to that, especially because their replacements are Josh McCown and the New England Patriots defense. Meanwhile, DeAndre Hopkins might be slowed down with a tough matchup this week. Richard may have to rely on Ezekiel Elliott and OBJ to carry his offense, which is not exactly a long shot. But, Nick has his own unfortunate bye: Drew Brees. Ben Roethlisberger is a much better backup than his opponents’, but will he be enough to get the job done. His RB corps — Jordan Howard, Mike Gillislee, and DeMarco Murray — may have to carry (no pun intended) the load to finally get the W. Or, the Oakland Raiders defense could step up with its best game of the season. Then, if you think that’s possible, I have a bridge to sell you (at a really cheap price!).

ONE LAST THING

We’re just four months shy of the 10-year anniversary of Super Bowl XLII, memorable for (among other things) Richard getting choked out at our party because he was the only one rooting for New England. Down late against the undefeated Patriots, the Giants were stood up at the gates of Hell. But, they stood their ground, didn’t back down, and pulled off the greatest upset in NFL history.

The game had a pretty kickass halftime show as well. RIP, Tom.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness