Ruben's Writings

We’ll get to football in a minute. But first, I need to vent.

HOW THE FLYING FUCK DO WE NOT QUALIFY FOR THE WORLD CUP WHEN: 1. WE PLAY IN THE EASIEST CONFEDERATION TO QUALIFY FROM, 2. ALL WE NEED IS A DRAW AGAINST LAST PLACE TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO, 3. WE ARE THE GODDAMN UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?!?!? 

Sitting in third place, two points ahead of fourth and fifth, with one game to go, the only way the U.S. wouldn’t qualify for at least a playoff against the fifth place AFC team (Australia) was if we lost and both Panama and Honduras won. Well, the literal nightmare scenario played out on Tuesday: we lost to fucking Trinidad and Tobago, while Panama beat Costa Rica (thanks to a goal that never went in) and Honduras beat Mexico (thanks for repaying us for San Zusi, assholes). The results mean the U.S. will not play in a World Cup for the first time since 1986, at least five years before 83% of our league members were born. 

It’s a cop out to blame our failure on the phantom Panama goal, Honduras’ second WTF goal against Mexico, our stupid ass own goal, Alvin Jones’ shot from Hell, or potential equalizers going either too wide or being hit too softly. The fact of the matter is that the U.S. never should have been in a position to need a certain result to qualify. We should’ve had  our spot sealed up a long time ago. I get only managing to take one point from Mexico. But Costa Rica beating us by a combined 6-0? Only getting 11 points from six games against Panama, Honduras, and Trinidad and Tobago? That’s inexcusable. 

The scale of this colossal fuck up cannot be overstated. For one, missing out on next year means one less World Cup that Christian Pulisic (the guy in the above photo, who not only is the most exciting prospect in the history of American soccer but the only member of our entire squad who played like he actually wanted to make the World Cup) gets to play in. It also means one less chance to be a part of iconic moments like this, create millions of new soccer fans, attract thousands of new potential future superstar players to the sport, and unite the country behind a common goal. This won’t do any good for Major League Soccer, a league already struggling for stature among the major leagues in the world. It’s a huge loss for business as well. This will be the first World Cup to be broadcast on FOX, who paid $400 million to take the rights away from ESPN. Now, the U.S. isn’t going to be in it, meaning millions of eyes won’t be tuned in. That also means less eyes on advertisements, which have the tournament’s major sponsors (and FIFA) pissed. The last fact doesn’t bother me as much, because fuck FIFA. This also gives the “who cares about that stupid European sport anyway” asshole crowd plenty of ammo.

So now what? The obvious thing that needs to happen is that U.S. Soccer needs to be torn down and rebuilt from the ground up, because what we’re doing clearly isn’t working. While the women’s squad has obviously done amazingly, the men have failed to qualify for the past two Olympics and recently missed a U-17 World Cup as well. The whole “pay-to-play” system we have in youth soccer is only churning out mediocre talent from rich families. There’s an entire “lost generation” that’s failed to bridge the gap between the older players and the youth movement being led by Pulisic, resulting in the U.S. fielding mediocre squads for this qualifying round. We’re doing something (a lot of things) wrong, and we need to fix our formula.

We’re not the first major country to go through this. Germany, after their horrific showing at Euro 2000, completely overhauled their system and won the damn World Cup in 2014. There’s literally a book on how they did it. The manager of Chile, which won back-to-back Copa Americas, reached the final of this year’s Confederations Cup, and barely missed out on qualifying against teams like Brazil, Argentina, and Uruguay, resigned. We’re not even the only major country to miss out on this tournament. The Netherlands, after reaching the final in 2010 and finishing third in 2014, failed to qualify, and their manager is out the door. The manager of Scotland, which hasn’t made the tournament since 1998, resigned after just missing out on making the UEFA playoff round this time around.

So, will the U.S. go this route? Well, apparently not right now. U.S. Soccer President Sunil Gulati says, “You don’t make wholesale changes based on the ball being two inches wide or two inches in,” while manager Bruce Arena added, “There’s nothing wrong with what we’re doing,” despite, you know, not qualifying for the fucking World Cup. While these may be the words of men desperately trying to keep their jobs, it also reeks of an overall contentedness with mediocrity.

Jesus fucking Christ, we are the laughing stock of the soccer world. I’m ashamed to be an American soccer fan. This whole thing is a fucking dumpster fire.

Speaking of things that are going up in flames, here’s a live look at California:

I’m angry, I just went through the worst sports week of my entire life, and I’ve written about nothing but fires for the past two days at work. So yeah, we’re getting fiery in this bitch this week. (BTW, click here to donate to the recovery efforts of those impacted by these devastating fires) On top of the U.S. Soccer debacle, the Oakland Raiders got their asses kicked again in a game that surely won’t prompt any shit talking from Ewing, my baseball team got knocked out of the postseason, and our arch rivals are in the ALCS because the team that won 22 straight games during the season and had a 2-0 lead in the ALDS choked it all away. At least I have my trusty fantasy football team to be there for me…

WEEK 1 RECAP

WILD HOGS (3-2) DEF. BIRDS OF WAR (3-2)

81.66 – 64.12

… son of a bitch! Well, that’s disappointing. Despite facing one of the worst passing defenses in all of football, Tom Brady could only muster up one TD for the Birds of War. Of course, it went to Chris Hogan, who’s on the Wild Hogs. Meanwhile, I made seemingly every wrong call imaginable with my lineup. While Allen Hurns, Jason Witten, and James White struggled for just 12 combined points, Michael Crabtree, Joe Mixon, and Kyle Rudolph were just sitting on my bench with their 36 points. It also didn’t help that Stat Padford threw two garbage time TDs just to screw me over. Jimmy’s WRs, unlike mine, weren’t complete failures, as Antonio Brown and Tyreek Hill went gangbusters this past week. As Jimmy keeps climbing back up the standings despite not having a TE, I’m starting to have dark, brooding questions form over my head about the ability of my squad in the long run, much like the evil-looking sky has formed over Disneyland and California Adventure because of the Canyon Fire 2.  

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (3-2) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-2)

75.24 – 52.34

Speaking of climbing back up the standings, the defending champs aren’t done yet! Despite the Buffalo Bills coming up short this week, Fred Sanford (Dummy) won its third straight matchup. Though Dez Bryant and Devin Funchess has great days, Tyrod Taylor ended with less than ten points, while Elijah McGuire and Rishard Matthews turned in disappointing showings as well. While the overall effort was unspectacular, Brian got the victory in large part due to a poor performance across the board from Footballdamus. Two of Riez’s players (Evan Engram and Derrick Henry) tallied less than a point, while three more (Bilal Powell, Jaron Brown, and the Detroit Lions defense) finished with fewer than four. When your kicker is your second-highest scorer, you’re generally going to have a bad time. While Brian enjoys his win, a potential problem looms: the strategy that earned him the championship last year and got three straight wins this year could doom him in the road ahead (more on that later).

WRS-R-US (4-1) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-4)

132.76 – 80.04

No team has looked more like an eventual champion this year more than WRs-R-Us, who responded to last week’s loss with a scintillating performance this week. All cylinders were firing for Kyle; no players scored less than five points. Melvin Gordon, A.J. Green, and T.Y. Hilton balled out, while Jacoby Brissett did more than enough to fill in for Marcus Mariota. Put it this way: Kareem Hunt was Kyle’s fifth-best scorer, and he won by ore than 50 points. This isn’t to say C’s Champion Team didn’t give it a good shot. Aaron Rodgers went HAM as usual, while Doug Martin had a strong return from suspension. However, it was completely hit-or-miss fro Chriss. While six of his nine starters scored more than eight points, the other three (Amari Cooper, Sammy Watkins, and Jared Cook) got less than one each. That’s not going to be good enough against the team that tallied the highest score of the season so far and has scored nearly 100 points more than any other squad so far. I’ll let Kyle Michael Michaels take it from here…

GREATER FOOLS (3-2) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (2-3)128.46 – 69.32

However, don’t overlook the team that tallied the second-highest score of the season. Greater Fools put a world of hurt on Jop Suey!!! in the biggest beatdown of the week. Since getting his ass kicked by his own son, Dad has put together a couple of impressive results, none more so than this one. Leonard Fournette dropped a 30-burger on the Pittsburgh Steelers, Carson Wentz blew up the Arizona Cardinals (whose shitty defense is that, anyway?), and Aaron Jones filled in for Ty Montgomery quite well (grumble grumble). As for Taylor, although Brian Hoyer had an amazing 22 points and Cameron Brate killed it with 12 of his own, the rest of the team did not live up to expectations, particularly Stefon Diggs, Jay Ajayi, and Larry Fitzgerald. But, let’s not forget the fact that Dad put up 128 points with Devante Adams on the bench, Terrance West injured, and LeVeon Bell having a mediocre game. If that whole squad can put it together, Kyle may have to start seriously looking over his shoulder.

LORD SANDWICH (4-1) DEF. 49ERS (1-4)102.94 – 75.32

I’m starting to regret giving Ewing the advice of not being a homer and starting Dak Prescott over Joe Flacco. That’s because Prescott put up a 30-burger for Lord Sandwhich, who broke the 100-point mark for the first time all season thanks to solid efforts from Beast Mode, Zach Ertz, and the ageless wonder Adam Vinatieri. Ewing takes the “Tyler Bowl” title for another year and, despite scoring 150 fewer points than Kyle on the season, is tied for the best record in the league. Will this incredibly good luck continue? Only time will tell. However, this loss is also another bit of bad luck for the 49ers, who saw Sterling Shepard go down with an injury and relegated Deshaun Watson and his 35 points to the bench. Could those points and contributions from Julio Jones and Demaryius Thomas (on byes), as well as Gronk (injured) have made up the difference for Gee any other week? Probably. But then again, if my grandma had balls, she’d by my grandpa. Either way, fuck the Ravens.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-2) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-5)86.46 – 42.28

At this point, who’s a bigger dumpster fire, U.S. Soccer or Dixie Normous? (U.S. Soccer, but it’s close) Not one player on Nick’s squad earned more than eight points, with Ben Roethlisberger and his five interceptions finishing with seven, half the amount that the Krispy Kritters’ QB (who happens to be John McCown) got. There was nothing good for Nick, but plenty good for Richard, who has risen to third place. DeAndre Hopkins finally has a good QB, and he responded with 23 points. Ezekiel Elliott ad OBJ (before his ankle got folded in half) had nice games as well. However, Richard’s scoring was (literally) top-heavy. Only one player at the bottom of the starting lineup (Dan Bailey) knotted more than four points, a result that may have ended in a loss in most other matchups. Thankfully for Richard, that wasn’t the case this week. As for Nick, if he can’t get it done next week (more on that later), he might have to start ordering a custom Lions jersey.

STANDINGS

THE STANDINGS THAT MATTER:

1. WRs-R-Us (4-1)
2. Lord Sandwich (4-1)
3. The Krispy Kritters (3-2)
4. Greater Fools (3-2)
5. Wild Hogs (3-2)
6. Birds of War (3-2)
7. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (3-2)
8. Footballdamus (3-2)
9. Jop Suey!!! (2-3)
10. 49ers (1-4)
11. C’s Champion Team (1-4)
12. Dixie Normous (0-5)

SCORER STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (4-1)
2. The Krispy Kritters (4-1)
3. Greater Fools (3-2)
4. Jop Suey!!! (3-2)
5. 49ers (3-2)
6. Wild Hogs (3-2)
7. Birds of War (3-2)
8. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (2-3)
9. Lord Sandwich (2-3)
10. C’s Champion Team (2-3)
11. Footballdamus (1-4)
12. Dixie Normous (0-5)

COMBINED STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (8-2)
2. The Krispy Kritters (7-3)
3. Greater Fools (6-4)
4. Wild Hogs (6-4)
5. Birds of War (6-4)
6. Lord Sandwich (6-4)
7. Jop Suey!!! (5-5)
8. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (5-5)
9. 49ers (4-6)
10. Footballdamus (4-6)
11. C’s Champion Team (3-7)
12. Dixie Normous (0-10)

POINTS LEADERBOARD:

1. WRs-R-Us (548.34)
2. The Krispy Kritters (460.38)
3. Greater Fools (455.64)
4. Jop Suey!!! (443.26)
5. 49ers (436.64)
6. Wild Hogs (427.82)
7. Birds of War (413.88)
8. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (409.70)
9. Lord Sandwich (390.74)
10. C’s Champion Team (364.18)
11. Footballdamus (339.90)
12. Dixie Normous (309.98)

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

#BreakingNews

Oh shit, we’re back on this again. With the Dallas Cowboys on a bye, we’ll see how this develops.

We’re getting to the point in the season where NFL rosters start to resemble Monty Python’s Black Knight. This past week’s biggest casualties were the Houston Texans and New York Giants.

Fans of the former, having already had a hurricane rip through their city, watched as their  ̶g̶o̶d̶ star DE J.J. Watt went down with a tibial plateau fracture, an injury which will force him to miss the remainder of the season. The injury means Watt will miss significant time for the second straight season. It’s also his third straight year undergoing major surgery, after doing to to repair a sports hernia in 2015 and an already injured back in 2016. Although Watt has not been physically proven to be human, there’s got to be questions popping up about whether or not he can be the same freak of nature as he’s been. He turns 29 next year, so he’ll still be in his prime. But, especially for a creature as large as he is, it gets tougher and tougher to come back from injuries like that. 

Watt’s injury also came after the Texans lost another stellar defensive player, LB Whitney Mercilus, to a torn pectoral muscle earlier in the game. When Watt missed significant time last year, Houston’s defense didn’t lose much because guys like Mercilus stepped up their game big time. Now, with Watt and Mercilus gone, and LB Brian Cushing only halfway through his 10-game suspension for PEDs, the Texans defense is suddenly more vulnerable than it’s been for some time. They’re going to have to rely on their offense to carry them for a while, although, with Deshaun Watson at the helm, that might not be a problem. I’d feel sympathetic for Houston fans, but since the Astros just eliminated my beloved Boston Red Sox from the playoffs, my compassion well is pretty dry right now.

Plus, things could be worse. Example: the Giants, who had the worst days in terms of injuries since (ironically) the Texans had five players (including all three TEs) get concussions in Week 1. Let’s start with the main one: OBJ getting his ankle snapped in half so badly he had to have season-ending surgery before the game was even over. The loss, of course, rids New York of its top WR and by far its most explosive and threatening offensive piece. But, the loss is compounded due to the fact that, in addition to OBJ, the Giants lost two of their next best three WRs (Brandon Marshall and Dwayne Harris) to season-ending injuries during the game as well. By the way, the last of their top four WRs, Sterling Shepard, will miss this week’s game with his own ankle injury. To recap: the 0-5 Giants not only lost to the previously winless Los Angeles Chargers at home, but they basically lost their entire WR corps in the process. Oh, and they now have to play the Denver Broncos in Mile High Stadium. What else can go wrong at this point?

Hug your Giants fan friends, folks.

Meanwhile, it turns out the NFL’s biggest body-part-related problem isn’t anything to do with ankles or ACLs or pectoral muscles or even concussions. It has to do with knees.

Here’s a list of kneeling-during-the-anthem-related things that have happened over the past week:

• Vice President Mike Pence leaves the Colts-49ers game early over San Francisco players taking a knee during the National Anthem.
• Pence later tweets out a statement saying he wouldn’t “dignify” an event where people “disrespect the flag.”
• Trump then tweets that he told Pence to leave the game if such a protest occurred. 
• Roger Goodell sends out a memo to NFL teams about the anthem protests.
• Trump then tweets a congrats to Goodell for forcing players to stand during the anthem.
• First an NFL spokesperson, then both the NFL and NFLPA refute the tweet, saying the policy hasn’t changed.
• Meanwhile, Jerry Jones, who weeks earlier had himself knelt down with his players on the field, reverses his stance and says any Dallas Cowboys player “disrespects the flag,” they won’t play.
• Cowboys players first meet among themselves and then with Jones about what he said.
• Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross says he believes his players should stand during the anthem.
• Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank, however, says he thinks it’s fine if players protest.

Look, I don’t know what to do about all of this. The last thing I want to put in this newsletter, which I’ve created as a fun new element to add to our fantasy football league, is some political bullshit that will only piss everyone off. However, the NFL is directly impacted by this issue (which now has its own Wikipedia page), so it’s very much relevant to the content inside. What I’m going to do moving forward is simply present what (if anything) happens as a list like above. I’ll keep everyone informed, but try not to shove it down everyone’s throats like it’s kind of been everywhere else.

I will give my take on this just once, now. If I felt the urge to protest about something, I personally wouldn’t choose to do it during the National Anthem. But, I can definitely see why others, particularly athletes of color who have the spotlight on them, would make that choice. I think we’ve gotten away from the reason why Colin Kaepernick began this in the first place: outrage over police brutality against minorities. Now, it’s become more about the anthem itself, as well as about Trump. I also have some questions as to what happens next: Where is this all going? How does this end? Will this start the deep conversation about issues that need solving, or will this just be lumped into all of the political bullshit that’s been spewing ever since Trump won the election? For such change to take place, it can’t come just from players taking a knee or others doing it just because it’s a hip thing to do. Someone has to take the next step. But what that next step is, I don’t know.

Nick Wright has a take on this that’s pretty much my thoughts on the matter as well. It’s worth a listen.

Man, when politics and sports mix, it’s weird. It’s as weird as seeing Adrian Peterson in a non-Minnesota Vikings uniform. Now, just when I was getting used to seeing him on the New Orleans Saints…

… he gets traded to the Arizona Cardinals for a conditional pick! We’ll see if Peterson can be more productive in Arizona than he was in New Orleans, or if the switch will only prove to be another failed attempt to resurrect Peterson’s career and replace the productivity of David Johnson (still pissed). He’s also replacing Chris Johnson, who, less than a month ago, tweeted that Peterson needed more touches. Now, not only will Peterson get more touches, but he’s also getting Johnson’s roster spot and number. Life is a real bitch sometimes.

But man, Carson Palmer, Adrian Peterson, and Larry Fitzgerald on the same team? The Cardinals are a lock to win the 2012 championship.

Speaking of players who were beasts in 2012…

In case you missed it, Josh Gordon went deep into his battles with substance abuse (including instances that staff at Baylor helped cover up) and his plans to be reinstated into the NFL. Gordon, as you all know, was a fantasy beast when he was in the league. Hopefully he’s truly moved on from his past and can get a shot at redemption in the league.

One person who will not be getting another chance, however… 

Dolphins offensive coach Chris Foerster is no longer employed, after this video (NSFW warning) surfaced, apparently showing him snorting cocaine with a $20 bill. This also apparently came to be known because Foerster pissed off a “model” he met during the Dolphins’ game against the Chargers. This is the most Miami story ever.

The most Cleveland story ever, apart from the dumpster fire I mentioned last week and the Indians blowing yet another lead in the playoffs, is the terribleness of the Browns, in particularly their QBs. DeShone Kizer, the latest young, promising talent destined to lead the Browns out of misery, has sucked so far this year (more on that later). So, the team is turning to another man under center.

In case you’re keeping count, Kevin Hogan marks the 28th different starting QB for the Browns since they reentered the league in 1999. Also, keep in mind that Carson Wentz and Deshaun Watson were selected with picks originally belonging to Cleveland. God hates the Browns.

Anyway, on more positive news, creative TD celebrations are back! Some players (Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson) took things too far back in the day, resulting in the “No Fun League” crackdown on post-TD performances. This year, however, the league has relaxed the rules a bit, resulting in a sort of TD celebration rebirth, particularly group efforts. Three incredible instances took place this past weekend. They are, in order of how much I liked them, as follows.

3. The Green Bay Packers’ bobsled routine.

“Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, it’s bobsled time! Cool Runnings!”

2. The Philadelphia Eagles knock it out of the park.

The only time you’ll be seeing baseball played in Philadelphia in October for a while.

1. The Minnesota Vikings play Duck, Duck, Goose.

Believe it or not, the game is actually called Duck, Duck, Gray Duck in Minnesota, and only in Minnesota. Weird.

Last, but not certainly not least, I must mention the death of Hall of Fame QB Y.A. Tittle, who passed away on Sunday at the age of 90. Tittle was a star in the 1950’s and 60’s, getting into the league as an original member of the Baltimore Colts. He then played for the 49ers, where he earned four Pro Bowl nods, led the league in TD passes in 1955, and was named the NFL MVP by the United Press in 1957. He was also a member of the famous “Million-Dollar Backfield”, was the first football player ever to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated, and is credited with coining the phrase “alley-oop.” 

After turning 34, San Francisco decided he was past his prime and traded him to the Giants. There, he experienced a resurgence, winning multiple MVP awards and leading the Giants to three straight NFL championship games. He was also the focus of one of the most iconic photos in North American sports history (below). Tittle suffered a concussion and a broken sternum on the play, but played on for the rest of the season.

RIP, Mr. Tittle.

HIGHLIGHTS

ACTUAL FOOTBALL:

• DeSean Jackson with a great toe tap catch.
• Leonard Fournette leaps over the pile for the TD.
• Leonard Fournette turns on the jets on a 90-yard TD.
• Leonard Fournette waves at Mike Mitchell to come hit him during a run. Honestly, this whole thing could be just Leonard Fournette highlights.
• Let’s watch all five of Ben Roethlisberger’s INTs against the Jacksonville Jaguars, because hahahahahaha.
• Christian McCaffrey gets his first career TD.
• Great throw by Cam Newton and a great catch by Kelvin Benjamin for a TD.
• Myles Garrett starts his career off with a sack.
• David Njoku’s one-handed TD catch gives the Cleveland Browns their first lead of 2017. Obviously, it didn’t last.
• Duke Johnson incredible TD.
• A.J. Green 77-yard TD catch.
• Melvin Gordon with the stiff arm from Hell.
• Nelson Agholor shits on Bubba Baker’s entire lineage during a 72-yard TD. 
• Martellus Bennett makes a nice catch.
• The entire game-winning drive for the Green Bay Packers.
• Earl Thomas karate chops the ball out of Todd Gurley’s arms.
• Holy shit Aaron Donald.
• The only defense Joe Flacco could have pulled this off against is that of the Oakland Raiders.
• Literally the only good thing to happen to the Raiders all day.
• Charcandrick West sends Kareem Jackson, as Dad would say, “ass over tea kettle.”
• Deshaun Watson is a rookie. Keep that in mind while watching this.
• DeAndre Hopkins reminds everyone what he can do when he has a competent QB throwing to him.
• Tyreek Hill puts the dagger in the Houston Texans with an 82-yard punt return TD.
• Sam Bradford holds the ball for an eternity in the endzone, then gets sacked for a safety.
• Jerick McKinnon says goodbye for a 58-yard TD.
• The first TD of the Mitch Trubisky era does not come from Mitch Trubisky, but rather Chicago Bears punter Pat O’Donnell on a fake punt.
• The second TD of the Mitch Trubisky era does in fact come from Mitch Trubisky, who then follows it up with a sick two-point conversion.

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• New England Patriots center David Andrews gets his helmet ripped off during a play and complains to the ref while the play is still going on. A still of the play looks like a Madden glitch.
• Mike Evans tries a spin move. It didn’t work.
• Nick Folk loses his job on live television.
• Jalen Ramsey kicks a guy in the dick. He’s more accurate than Folk.
• Manning to Wayne, one last time.
• The Indianapolis Colts run what might be the worst idea for a punt return in NFL history.
• Announcer Steve Raible with back-to-back Freudian slips.
• And another one.
• OBJ bonding with a teammate.
• The Los Angeles Chargers start the game with a safety, ala Denver in Super Bowl XLVIII.
• There goes the fedora.
• Denver Broncos TE Jake Butt (yes, really) has reinvented his position.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Arguably the best football game of the year, across all levels of the sport, was played this past weekend in the hamlet of Getzville, New York. Western Michigan and Buffalo were tied 31-31 at the end of regulation, and it would take seven (yes, SEVEN) overtimes to break the deadlock. In the end, Western Michigan pulled out the 71-68 win in a game that broke the FBS record for highest combined score (139 points) and tied the mark for most overtime periods. The highlights from this batshit insane game are incredible, but none was more noteworthy than the Broncos’ TD in the first overtime. TE Donnie Ernsberger made the play, and his sister, Shalene, was so excited, she ran onto the field to celebrate. The problem: the game wasn’t over. She was actually kicked out of the stadium as a result. Luckily for her, Western Michigan would eventually win, albeit about an hour later than she first thought.

STAT OF THE WEEK

To add on, Andy Dalton has been statistically the best QB in the AFC North. He has more turnovers than TDs and is ranked 21st in passer rating. The AFC North QBs, everyone!

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Nick: $40

Tyler G: $40

Kyle: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Taylor: N

Chriss: O

Jimmy: P

Riez: E

Richard: !

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

GREATER FOOLS (3-2) VS. LORD SANDWICH (4-1)

Will Lord Sandwich’s luck finally start running out this week? In some ways it already has, because Ewing is forced to start Joe Flacco, with Dak Prescott on a bye. Though the Chicago Bears aren’t the old Monsters of the Midway, they did already top Ben Roethisberger and his Pittsburgh Steelers, and he’s certainly more elite than Flacco. Meanwhile, Jordy Nelson may have Aaron Rodgers as his QB, but Martavis Bryant has Roethlisberger and is going up against the Kansas City Chiefs. So, probably not a lot of luck there. But, the Greater Fools can’t laugh, because LeVeon Bell has to face those same Chiefs, who are much better against the run than the pass. Dad will also get points knocked off one way or another due to the fact that his QB (Carson Wentz) is facing his defense (the Carolina Panthers). While Eagles-Panthers is an intriguing battle of 4-1 teams, the end result may leave Dad on the wrong side of his own matchup with a 4-1 squad.

JOP SUEY!!! (2-3) VS. WRS-R-US (4-1)

Trying to do a preview for any matchup for WRs-R-Us is like doing a preview for any game featuring Alabama. You’re trying to find any little nuggets that could add up to maybe an upset of a team on a roll right now. This week, those nuggets include the loss of A.J. Green to a bye, Jacoby Brissett facing a tougher matchup in the Tennessee Titans, and the Jacksonville Jaguars defense facing a potential stiff from the Los Angeles Rams (imagine reading that last year). It could also include the return of Derek Carr (oh please oh please oh please) for Jop Suey!!! Stefon Diggs could bounce back with a big game against the Green Bay Packers, while the Atlanta Falcons defense could feast upon the Miami Dolphins. But, as with any team that faces Kyle, Taylor’s squad has to put in a complete effort if they want to have any chance of taking down the top team in the league. Even then, it might not be enough. Kareem Hunt is facing the defense that just made Leonard Fournette look like Walter Payton.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-2) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-2)

This matchup is a good barometer of the league as a whole. Both have the same record (3-2), but the Krispy Kritters sit in third place while Footballdamus clings to the last playoff spot. Richard’s squad has survived a stumble at the beginning and is scoring in bunches, while Riez’s players have fallen off a bit from a surprising start. If Richard wants to avoid tumbling back down the standings, he’ll need to replace the giant production hole left behind by OBJ’s season-ending injury. Getting Kirk Cousins back is a good start, but guys like Tyrell Williams, Delanie Walker, and Hunter Henry will need to step up this week and in the weeks to come. Richard also gets the benefit of having the Denver Broncos defense devouring the winless New York Giants at home. Riez, meanwhile, gets Matt Ryan, C.J. Anderson and Michael Thomas back, but faces his own potential loss with Bilal Powell’s injury. Mike Evans and Danny Amendola might have to have big games for Riez to avoid slipping further down the ladder.

BIRDS OF WAR (3-2) VS. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (3-2)

Bye weeks can really be a bitch in fantasy football, especially if you build your squad around one particular team. In this case, Fred Sanford (Dummy) is built around the Buffalo Bills, who are on a bye week this week. This means no Tyrod Taylor, LeSeason McCoy, or Bills defense for Brian, who is also missing Dez Bryant. In their place: Trevor Siemian, Chris Thompson, and the Steelers defense, which is facing Kansas City this week. So, who’s the beneficiary of the missing-in-action Bills? Why, it’s none other than little ‘ol me! Not to mention, I have Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks against the New York Jets, Michael Crabtree with possibly Derek Carr throwing to him, and the potential return of Ty Montgomery. Plus, LeGarrette Blount is killing it, and both Kyle Rudolph and the Cardinals defense are in good matchups this week. Indeed, it looks like everything’s in place for the Birds of War to bounce back and get in the win column once again. I can’t wait to see how I, like U.S. Soccer, fuck it up.

49ERS (1-4) VS. WILD HOGS (3-2)

Yahoo! currently has the 49ers projected to score ten more points than anyone else in the league, and for good reason. With the Seattle Seahawks on a bye, Gee has been “forced” to put the potential OROY, Deshaun Watson into the starting lineup. Considering he just dropped 35 points on the best team in football, what happens when Watson plays the Browns this week? Probably a lot of points as well. Gee is also getting Julio Jones, Demaryius Thomas, and (maybe) Gronk back, three explosive pieces for any lineup. To keep up, the Wild Hogs will have to hope Matt Stafford doesn’t have another disappointing effort against the surprisingly strong New Orleans Saints defense, and Antonio Brown and Tyreek Hill catch fire again. Meanwhile, Jimmy’s defense, that of the Los Angeles Rams, has the honor of being the next unit to try and stop Leonard Fournette. It didn’t go well for Pittsburgh last week, and it may not go well for the Rams (and Jimmy) this week.

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-4) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-5)

Gentlemen, we’ve got ourselves a Toilet Bowl! C’s Champion Team and Dixie Normous square off in a game someone has to win. This is by far Nick’s best shot in the forseeable future to get his.first victory, especially with a date with WRs-R-Us looming next week. Getting Drew Brees back is a huge plus, particularly if Aaron Rodgers goes off against the Minnesota Vikings. The receiving game, mainly Willie Snead and Golden Tate, may have to step up as a whole, considering both Mike Gillislee and Jordan Howard are going up against two strong run defenses. Nick also has to hope the Oakland Raiders defense does, you know, something, especially since Chriss is rolling with the Chiefs defense, who are facing the QB who just threw five picks against the Jaguars. Chriss, however, needs Amari Cooper and Sammy Watkins to not be pieces of garbage and Doug Martin’s stellar return to not be an apparition. The rest of his RBs, Lamar Miller and Frank Gore, may have to do more work than usual.

ONE LAST THING

Amid all of the hubbub surrounding Mitch Trubisky’s debut on Monday Night Football, one of the most improbable streaks in the history of anything, anywhere came to an end. Going into their matchup with the Minnesota Vikings, the Chicago Bears had won 14 straight pre-game con flips. Seeing as it’s a 50% chance to correctly pick heads or tails, making the right call 14 times in a row is about 0.006103515% likely, if my math is right (you may want to check that). But, the Bears lost the toss (and, of course, the game), capping all of the coin flip madness. However, while one streak ended, another amazing run continued. Including their win over the Bears, the Vikings, since their founding in 1960, are undefeated on Leif Erikson Day. HINGA DINGA DURGEN!!!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness