Ruben's Writings

An interesting thing happened to me at work this week: I got not just one, but two free bags of tortilla chips! Plus, one of them was from Chipotle, so it’s as good as getting three free bags. Free tortilla chips!

Also, I got promoted.

FOX40 offered me a two-year deal to be a full blown producer, in charge of our early newscasts (usually 5 p.m.) on the weekends! It’s actually something I’ve been doing for the past couple of months since things have shifted around due to two other producers leaving. But now, the change is gonna be permanent! Because of college football on Saturday, my first official show as producer will be this Sunday, right after the 49ers-Cowboys game! So, you a-holes better watch!

Granted, my schedule does not change at all. I still have my weekend in the middle of the week and I still work weekends. Now, I get to work in the morning on the weekends, which is not fun. Plus, my shows usually follow sports, so if the games run long, my show has to collapse. I once had to kill more than half of my show’s content (stupid UCLA making an incredible comeback against Texas A&M). Those shows are never fun to booth.

But, I digress. PROMOTION, MOTHAFUCKAS!!!

Of course, with a move up comes a slight raise in salary. When you read that, you might think that this is me now:

This is not the case. It’s a bump for sure, but I’m not exactly Richie Rich over here.

However, for the sake of the newsletter, I’m rolling with it.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

DIXIE NORMOUS (1-5) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-5)

75.14 – 51.22

They did it! They actually did it! Dixie Normous got a win! Nick will not be the first manager in league history to preside over a winless team. So, how did he get it done. Well, because Aaron Rodgers died. Yeah, C’s Champion team got dealt arguably the worst blow of the season so far, one that essentially meant Chriss got no points from his QB at all. The rest of his team, aside from Doug Martin and Justin Tucker, didn’t do anything to make up for it. I mean, Jared Cook, Sammy Watkins, and Amari Cooper barely got more points than a QB who broke his collarbone halfway through the 1st quarter. Meanwhile, Nick got plenty of points from guys like Drew Brees, DeMarco Murray, and Golden Tate to create plenty of separation that might not have been made up even if Rodgers hadn’t gotten hurt. I’m sure Nick is excited that he can count on plenty of production from those three guys for the rest of the season. Oh wait, he traded them away? (more on that later) God damn it, Nick.  

WRS-R-US (5-1) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (2-4)104.44 – 79.64

I doubt a lot of people in the league know this, but Las Vegas has a hockey team now. The Vegas Golden Knights are the first pro sports team from the Big 4 leagues (NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL) to call Sin City home, and they might actually good! Vegas has 5-1 record and became the first ever NHL expansion team to start 3-0. Plus, they have cool uniforms, a gila monster for a mascot, and a fucking castle in their home arena which houses a drum line that performs whenever they score. As for our league, our own rookie, WRs-R-Us, also started 3-0, has a 5-1 record, and sits on top of the standings after thrashing Jop Suey!!! Overall, the starters had an okay week for production. But, Melvin Gordon, Ryan Succop, and Marcus Mariota did more than enough for Kyle to get the win. Facing a team with an injured Stefon Diggs and a poor effort from Derek Carr helped, too. At least Taylor can take solace in the fact that he swindled Nick like the casinos swindle all of those poor suckers in Vegas. 

GREATER FOOLS (4-2) DEF. LORD SANDWICH (4-2)124.48 – 69.20

So, what happens when Lord Sandwich finally faces a team that can score? Well, they get blown out, to put it kindly. Greater Fools put up more points than anyone this past week thanks to amazing days from Leonard Fournette, LeVeon Bell, Carson Wentz, and the Houston Texans defense. The win also continues a great stretch for Dad, who has gone 3-1 since getting his ass whooped by his own son. As for Ewing, well, where do we begin. The only team that scored fewer points had their QB knocked out of the game in the 1st quarter. His own QB, Joe Flacco, might as well have not played in any of the five quarters his team took part in. Jordy Nelson saw a huge drop after Rodgers went down, and Ewing’s RBs combined for less points than his TE (to be fair, Zach Ertz had a great game). None of it was anywhere close enough to stop Dad, who enjoyed a rich bounty of points this past week. Get it? Rich? It’s a money pun. Whatever, just enjoy the damn memes.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (4-2) DEF. BIRDS OF WAR (3-3)82.54 – 80.78

Remember last week when I wondered how the Birds of War would fuck up a chance to beat Fred Sanford (Dummy) on the Buffalo Bills’ bye week? Well, as it turns out, it would be because I chose the wrong kicker. Graham Gano’s extra five points would have made up the difference for me. Or if, you know, my defense wouldn’t have given up 27 points in the fourth quarter). Or if Tom Brady would go back to being Tom Brady. Or if my RBs weren’t terrible (or could stop getting hurt). At the end of the day, Brian did just enough to beat me, thanks to Trevor Siemian’s late and ultimately worthless TD pass and Rishard Matthews’ second half snags. No, I’m not bitter at all. Fantasy football is won and lost on little breaks like this, and sometimes all of the breaks go against you. Anyway, because Brian beat me without any Bills and this week’s theme is money, so here’s him on the face of a coin, which is silver because his football team is used to coming in second.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-2) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-3)77.42 – 76.80

Footballdamus and the Krispy Kritters went toe-to-toe in the first matchup all season that was decided by less than a point. The game swung on a huge pendulum on Sunday night, when the Denver Broncos defense let Richard down and Evan Engram did just enough for Riez to get the edge. As a whole, both teams had up-and-down days. Riez got a huge boost from Mike Evans and the Baltimore Ravens defense, while Kirk Cousins balled out for Richard. However, both had at least two players (Bilal Powell, C.J. Anderson, and Michael Thomas for Riez; Tyrell Williams and Delaine Walker for Richard) tally fewer than two points. In fact, all Walker had to get was just over two points and Richard would have come out on top. Instead, he got 1.4 and Richard got the loss. While Richard’s hard-earned momentum gets halted, Riez’s bit of good luck continues a surprising start to the season that has seen already match his win total from all of last year.

49ERS (2-4) DEF. WILD HOGS (3-3)121.20 – 106.38

This was a typical week for Gee. The third highest point total of the week, any you lose just because you happen to be playing the guy with the second highest score… wait a minute. This can’t be right. The 49ers were actually on the opposite side of this for once! Instead, it’s Wild Hogs who gets the bad draw this week. Despite monster games from Antonio Brown, Carlos Hyde, and the Los Angeles Rams defense, Jimmy was unable to overcome Gee’s starters. Deshaun Watson and Gronk balled out, while no one else scored fewer than five points and only three tallied single digits. Meanwhile, Stat Padford didn’t do anything until after his team was getting killed, while Jordan Reed and Chris Hogan let Jimmy down bad. Again, this past effort would have earned a win most of the time, just not this time. That bad luck for Jimmy included Tyreek Hill having the second LOWEST point total out of his lineup with less than three points. When will that happen again?

STANDINGS

THE STANDINGS THAT MATTER:

1. WRs-R-Us (5-1)
2. Greater Fools (4-2)
3. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (4-2)
4. Lord Sandwich (4-2)
5. Footballdamus (4-2)
6. The Krispy Kritters (3-3)
7. Wild Hogs (3-3)
8. Birds of War (3-3)
9. 49ers (2-4)
10. Jop Suey!!! (2-4)
11. C’s Champion Team (1-5)
12. Dixie Normous (1-5)

SCORER STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (5-1)
2. Greater Fools (4-2)
3. 49ers (4-2)
4. The Krispy Kritters (4-2)
5. Wild Hogs (4-2)
6. Birds of War (4-2)
7. Jop Suey!!! (3-3)
8. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (3-3)
9. Lord Sandwich (2-4)
10. C’s Champion Team (2-4)
11. Footballdamus (1-5)
12. Dixie Normous (0-6)

COMBINED STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (10-2)
2. Greater Fools (8-4)
3. The Krispy Kritters (7-5)
4. Wild Hogs (7-5)
5. Birds of War (7-5)
6. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (7-5)
7. 49ers (6-6)
8. Lord Sandwich (6-6)
9. Jop Suey!!! (5-7)
10. Footballdamus (5-7)
11. C’s Champion Team (3-9)
12. Dixie Normous (1-11)

POINTS LEADERBOARD:

1. WRs-R-Us (652.78)
2. Greater Fools (580.12)
3. 49ers (557.84)
4. The Krispy Kritters (537.18)
5. Wild Hogs (534.24)
6. Jop Suey!!! (522.90)
7. Birds of War (493.66)
8. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (492.24)
9. Lord Sandwich (459.04)
10. Footballdamus (417.32)
11. C’s Champion Team (415.40)
12. Dixie Normous (385.12)

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

The NFL’s out-for-the-season team finally has its QB. Aaron Rodgers suffered a broken collarbone on this post-throw hit by Anthony Barr, forcing him to undergo surgery and likely keeping him out for the rest of the year. It’s obviously not just a massive blow to the Green Bay Packers, but also to the rest of the league. Top 5 popular player? MVP candidate? Super Bowl contender? All gone. Sure, he suffered a broken clavicle in 2013 (two weeks further into the season) and came back to lead the Packers to the playoffs. But, that injury was to his non-throwing side, unlike this new one. Seeing as Green Bay looked pretty lost without him, they could be too far back in the standings during the final weeks of the season to contemplate bringing Rodgers back.

So yeah, RIP Chriss (probably). But RIP Packers? Not so fast! Brett Hundley may be an unproven backup, but Green Bay has been through this before. Back in 1992, QB Don Majkowski suffered a bad ankle injury against the Cincinnati Bengals. His backup did this, then went on to have a pretty good career. After that guy retired, then came back, then sent a dick pic, then retired for good, his backup came in, did this, and has had a good career so far as well. Am I saying Hundley will be the next Tom Brady? Of course not. But, the Packers did survive having to start Seneca Wallace and Scott Tolzien in 2013, roll with the tide, benefit from having the other NFC North teams shitting the bed, and get into the playoffs when Rodgers came back.

Meanwhile, like in 2013, the rest of the NFC North has a chance to finally knock Green Bay off its perch. Can one of them do it? Let’s look at the options. The Detroit Lions might be considered the division favorites now, but they’ve been inconsistent all year and just got killed by the New Orleans Saints in one of the weirdest games I’ve ever seen (highlights below). Their top WR, Golden Tate, could miss multiple weeks with an AC joint sprain. Plus, it’s not like the Lions have a history of choking. The Chicago Bears have shown more and more promise with the Titty Kisser at the helm. But, they’ve already lost two games to divisional opponents and still have John Fox as their head coach. The Bears also have a pretty touch five-game stretch (Carolina Panthers, Saints, Packers, Lions, Philadelphia Eagles) coming up next. That may be too much for a rookie QB and a young team. The Minnesota Vikings are currently tied with the Packers at the top and were the immediate beneficiaries of Rodgers’ injury. Their defense is also pretty vicious. But, the Vikings have injuries of their own, namely to Barr and Stefon Diggs. Plus, their QB situation is no better than Green Bay’s. Sam Bradford is out again, meaning Case Keenum will get the call for the near future. That’s not good news for Minnesota. If only they had a solid QB, they could grab a hold of the division and never look back…

… wait a minute. What’s that rumbling in the distance? Is it… can it be… oh my!

More than a year after suffering a horrific knee injury during practice, Teddy Bridgewater returned to the field this week and could return to game action this season. Can a Bridgewater rebirth put the Vikings over the top? Will he even be the same player he was before he went down? We’ll find out later, it appears.

Of course, as is what happens when any team loses a QB, calls go up for that team to sign Colin Kaepernick, who has just filed a grievance against the NFL, alleging all 32 owners have colluded to not sign him. Kaep’s lawyer apparently has a smoking gun, but it’s still doubtful whether or not he’ll be employed even if the court rules in his favor. This all started, of course, with Kaep opting out of his deal after starting the widespread kneel-down protests, which means it’s time for…

THIS WEEK IN NATIONAL ANTHEM CONTROVERSY:

• A group of NFL players meet with about half of the NFL owners to talk social issues. The talk apparently goes well.
• Roger Goodell announces that the NFL will not change its rules about kneeling during the anthem, and players will be allowed to do as they please. However, he adds that they (the NFL) “believe everyone should stand.”
• President Trump (shockingly) fires criticism over twitter, saying the league’s decision shows “total disrespect for our great country.”
• Jacksonville Jaguars owner Shad Khan claims Trump is attacking the NFL because he’s jealous the league never let him own a team. Note: Khan donated millions to Trump’s presidential campaign.
• Meanwhile, in a letter to their city’s director of military affairs, Jaguars president Mark Lamping apologizes for some of the team’s players kneeling during the anthem and then standing for “God Save the Queen” before last month’s London massacre of the Baltimore Ravens.

TL;DR: this is still a clusterfuck. Speaking of…

I have no idea how the hell this will end. All I do know is this is good news for Richard, who gets Ezekiel Elliot back in his lineup this week. This is also bad news for whoever Richard is playing this week… 

(checks schedule)

GOD DAMN IT!!!

Anyway, we’re just under halfway into the season and we still have no idea who’s really good. The lone undefeated team, the Kansas City Chiefs, just lost at home to the Pittsburgh Steelers, a team that had been annihilated by the Jaguars. Both of last year’s Super Bowl participants appear to be hung over, although the Atlanta Falcons seem to be in prime choking form after blowing a 17-0 lead to the Jay Cutler-led Miami Dolphins. The Denver Broncos just got destroyed by the 0-5 New York Giants at home. Two teams believed to be Super Bowl contenders, the Dallas Cowboys and Oakland Raiders are under .500. Carson Wentz and Alex Smith might be the front-runners for MVP. The Los Angeles Rams might be legit. The New Orleans Saints might actually have a defense. The Houston Texans and Tennessee Titans might take the next step. One of the two winless teams, the San Francisco 49ers, have lost five straight be three points or less, so they might actually be the best 0-6 team ever.  

However, one thing has certainly remained consistent: the awfulness of the Cleveland Browns.

So, the Kevin Hogan experiment didn’t exactly work, did it? After giving QB #28 a shot, the Browns have decided to go back to #27 (who still leads the league in interceptions) after only one week. Reminder that Cleveland went 4-0 in the preseason, as Detroit did in 2008. We’ll have to wait six months to find out who the Browns will take with the first overall pick in next year’s draft.

Hopefully it goes better than the last countless times, or at least better than how it went for me this year.

Another consistency: referees screwing other teams over in favor of the New England Patriots.

About halfway through the 4th quarter, the New York Jets are down 24-14 to the Patriots but are knocking on the door. On 1st and Goal from four yards out, Josh McCown hits Austin Seferian-Jenkins on the left side. Seferian-Jenkins gets tackled by two defenders and appears to dive across the goal line, cutting the lead to 24-20, extra point pending. However, the referees reviewed the play and determined Seferian-Jenkins bobbled the ball as he was going down and didn’t recover. The ball hit the pylon, resulting in a touchback and a 1st and 10 for New England at the 20-yard line. Here’s the full play.

Photos of the play show Seferian-Jenkins did appear to get control before going down. But, the NFL’s Senior VP of Officiating, Al Riveron, stands by the referees’ call, even though Riveron’s two predecessors, Mike Pereira and Dean Blandino, have said they believe there was not clear enough evidence to overturn the call of TD on the field. I guess, “we had to do whatever it took to keep the Golden Boy and his team from possibly losing to the Jets” was a slightly less acceptable response. The call completely killed any momentum New York had, and they went on to lose the game. I know I have Tom Brady on my team, but fuck the Patriots. 

By the way, South Park: The Fractured but Whole was released this week. The reviews are as positive as they were for The Stick of Truth, which was a great game. The Fractured but Whole (say it out loud, Jimmy) also includes a Tom Brady joke whenever the player tries to cheat in the game. I love South Park.

Finally, while my work life is obviously going pretty well, my sports life keeps going down the shitter. The Raiders just lost to the goddamn Los Angeles Chargers because we missed an extra point and our defense is tissue paper on 3rd down. I’m too experienced to be optimistic at all about the Sacramento Kings, despite the young guns looking good in last night’s season opener. We’re about to have a Dodgers-Yankees World Series, proving that there is no God. I need something positive, sports wise. 

THAT’LL DO IT! Welcome to the Dark Side, NaVorro Bowman! Sure, he’s a slightly aging linebacker who’s had some pretty severe injuries and whose abilities have decreased. But, he’s still NaVorro Bowman, AKA a fucking monster. I’ve seen him destroy opponents with my own eyes. At worst, he’ll provide veteran leadership and experience to a defense who might get an upgrade if I was inserted into the secondary. At best, Bowman turns back the clock, wrecks shit, and helps turn this into a capable defense. At least, we’ll get to see 49ers fans lamenting how one of their most beloved players in recent memory is now wearing Silver and Black.

HIGHLIGHTS

ACTUAL FOOTBALL:

• Julius Peppers gets his 150th career sack on this play, becoming just the fifth player ever to reach that mark, and the first to do so while also making 10+ interceptions.
• Cam Newton jukes a defender for a 16-yard TD.
• Newton goes Superman to try and get a TD, but comes up one yard short.
• No one on the New York Jets tries to tackle Gronk on this 33-yard TD pass.
• Deshaun Watson makes a great throw on a 39-yard TD pass.
• Johnathan Joseph picks off [starting QB #28 for the Cleveland Browns] and takes it 82 yards for the TD.
• Laquon Treadwell with a Catch of the Year candidate. Alternate angle.
• Xavier Rhodes makes a one-handed interception of Brett Hundley.
• Hundley responds with his first career TD pass.
• Harrison Smith makes a great play for an interception.
• Tarik Cohen with the 21-yard TD… PASS?!?… to Zach Miller.
• Bryce Callahan makes the Chicago Bears’ first interception of the season and concusses Breshad Perriman at the same time.
• Mitch Trubisky with the great throw to Dion Sims for the 27-yard TD.
• Trubisky delivers a clutch throw in overtime to set up the Bears for the game-winning FG.
• Alvin Kamara hurdles a defender.
• The New Orleans Saints defense sacks Matt Stafford in the endzone. The ball comes loose and the Saints recover.
• Golden Tate is a fucking savage.
• Marvin Jones Jr. sees Treadwell’s catch and raises him one of his own.
• Jamal Agnew takes a punt 74 yards to the house.
• A’Shawn Robinson with the FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN!!!
• Cameron Jordan tells Robinson, “Anything you can do, I can do better.”
• Rashad Jones picks off Matt Ryan to seal the Miami Dolphins win and comeback from down 17-0. Hmm… the Atlanta Falcons blowing a big lead? When’s the last time that happened? Anyway, here’s the play set to the music from Titanic.
• Adrian Peterson announces his (actual) return with a 27-yard TD.
• Pierre Garcon and Montae Nicholson collide. Violent, horrific reaction from Nicholson afterwards. In case you’re wondering, yes, he played the rest of the game, because the NFL really stresses player safety.
• Pharoh Cooper starts the game with a 104-yard kickoff return TD.
• Leonard Fournette then answers with a 75-yard TD run. That’s 14 points in the first 25 seconds of the game.
• Cory Littleton blocks a punt that the entire Los Angeles Rams special teams unit takes in for a TD.
• Fournette with the spin move. So many spin moves in this game.
• Cordarrelle Patterson takes off for a 47-yard TD run. The Oakland Raiders totally made the ensuing extra point. Don’t bother to look up what happened.
• Zach Fulton thinks Alex Smith is ten feet tall, resulting in a safety.
• Mike Mitchell goes low on Smith. Smith is pissed.
• Big Ben launches it down the sidelines. The ball is tipped, but somehow caught by Antonio Brown, who takes it all the way for the 51-yard TD.
• Marcus Mariota hits Tywan Taylor for a 53-yard TD.
• Derrick Henry ices the game with a 72-yard TD run.

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• We are living in the video game era.
• Rasul Douglas slaps a ref on the ass after he signals an incomplete pass.
• Joe Flacco forgets where the line of scrimmage is.
• Kiko Alonzo decides to carry Taylor Gabriel instead of suplexing him to Hell.
• Dick Stockton pulls a Ron Burgundy.
• “Squeeze that backside.”
• Mark Ingram does… whatever this is… after scoring a TD.
• Golden Tate whips out the People’s Elbow on a poor football. The Rock approves.
• “LET’S GO CARDINALS!” (turn your volume up)
• How did Ryan Fitzpatrick get that big contact?
• Marquette King does Shawne Merriman’s celebration after a punt. 
• Von Miller salsa dances in a graphic before his team loses to the 0-5 New York Giants.
• Al Michaels makes a Harvey Weinstein joke.
• Turns out, the Tennessee Titans have a midget ball boy.
• One of the referees from the Titans-Colts game has an… interesting… haircut.
• ESPN’s graphic deptartment at it again with the “Super” Marcus Mariota graphic. It’s neither the first, nor the best one.
• Me when I heard Amber Heard was single.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• On Saturday, Oklahoma State took on Baylor as part of Homecoming Weekend. The night before, the school held a huge rally, which of course included star players from the football team. One of them, QB Mason Rudolph, was challenged by head coach Mike Gundy to take off his shirt in front of the crowd. Rudolph, being a 22-year-old football player in front of hundreds of screaming college girls, obliged. So did the 50-year-old Gundy. It was another classic Gundy moment, adding to the list that includes starring in one of the greatest sports rants of all time, sporting a wrestling singlet to hype up a big match, and taking part in a four-minute interview with Barry Melrose about mullets.

STAT OF THE WEEK

This includes the Eagles’ game this past week against the Panthers, where Philadelphia was flagged ten times for 126 yards, while Carolina was called one time (on an extra point attempt) and penalized one yard. That’s the biggest penalty discrepancy between two teams in NFL history and the first time that one team was penalized more than 120 yards while the other had less than ten. What I guess I’m trying to say is, I’m no Eagles fan, but Pete Morelli is a terrible referee. 

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Nick: $40

Tyler G: $40

Kyle: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Taylor: Z

Chriss: I

Jimmy: L

Riez: C

Richard: H

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

GREATER FOOLS (4-2) VS. WILD HOGS (3-3)

Can Greater Fools keep the good times rolling against Wild Hogs? Well, both will have similar rooting interests this week. Both Dad and Jimmy will be rooting for the Carolina Panthers to do well, albeit in different ways. Jimmy would prefer a high-scoring matchup, with Cam Newton and Christian McCaffrey in his lineup. Dad, with the Panthers defense, would like as little scoring as possible. Both are also hoping the Pittsburgh Steelers offense lights it up this week, just in a way that would benefit them. They each have a linchpin: LeVeon Bell (Dad) and Antonio Brown (Jimmy). They should also be getting boosts from other parts of the lineup. Dad has Leonard Fournette going up against the Indianapolis Colts’ nonexistent run defense, while Jimmy will be sadly watching Tyreek Hill tear up the Oakland Raiders’ nonexistent defense but consoling himself with all of the points he’ll rack up. Davante Adams may also prove to be an x-factor if Brett Hundley is the real deal.

49ERS (2-4) VS. FRED SANDORD (DUMMY) (4-2)

After proving they can win without the Buffalo Bills in their lineup (grumble grumble), Fred Sanford (Dummy) gets them back this week as they try and earn a fifth straight win. Meanwhile, the 49ers hope to use last week’s win to build a streak of their own. Gee looks primed to do so, with more projected points by Yahoo! than anyone else this week. He has great matchups top to bottom, but each could have a downfall. Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks defense could sink or swim, depending on if they face the 0-5 New York Giants or the one that kicked the shit out of the Denver Broncos. Jerick McKinnon is facing a potentially tough defense, as is Todd Gurley. Granted, they could also power their way to points anyway, but it’s a toss up. As for Brian, he’ll have to hope the Bills play the same Tampa Bay Buccaneers that got knocked around for three quarters by the Arizona Cardinals, and not the team that scored a bunch of points in the fourth.

JOP SUEY!!! (2-4) VS. LORD SANDWICH (4-2)

Lord Sandwich finally faced a team that can score last week, and got killed. Well, don’t look now, but Jop Suey!!! has retooled thanks to a trade with Dixie Normous. Hint, Nick: if Taylor is more than willing to trade away a Raider, particularly Derek Carr, you probably should be a bit hesitant. Now, Taylor adds Drew Brees AND DeMarco Murray to a squad that already features Devonta Freeman and Larry Fitzgerald. Granted, Stefon Diggs’ potential injury could bring down the score a bit. But, Taylor’s lineup is now officially deep enough to survive this, and even thrive. Ewing has to counter this with an Aaron Rodgers-less Jordy Nelson, Marshawn Lynch going up against arguably the best run defense in football, and a guy who might want to be traded from his team. And at QB? Either Joe Flacco going up against a tough Minnesota Vikings defense or Dak Prescott and the sliding Dallas Cowboys against a tougher-than-you-think San Francisco 49ers defense. It looks like scoring will be the least of Taylor’s worries, but the most of Tyler’s.

BIRDS OF WAR (3-3) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-3)

Damn it, couldn’t the court have issued that second restraining order after this week? Now, the Birds of War have to contend with the Krispy Kritters with Ezekiel Elliot in the lineup. It’s not like I really need to win this game to avoid falling out of a playoff spot for the first time all season. Not to mention, Richard also has Carson Wentz’ favorite receiver, Nelson Agholor, as well as Kirk Cousins. To break my losing streak, Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks will actually have to, you know, live up to their projected points against the Atlanta Falcons. Just pretend you’re down 28-3 and everything will be fine. Meanwhile, Michael Crabtree has been doing work for me all season, but has to face the Kansas City Chiefs this week. Ty Montgomery might be able to give me a boost. But, without the threat of Rodgers, the Green Bay Packers’ opponents might target their running game, which already has Montgomery’s carries being taken away by Aaron Jones.

DIXIE NORMOUS (1-5) VS. WRS-R-US (5-1)

Well, I hope Dixie Normous enjoyed their first win of the season, because they sure as hell aren’t getting another this week. It’s a top of the table vs. bottom of the table matchup as WRs-R-Us looks to go to 6-1 with a win against Nick. Kyle’s squad looks, as ever, ready to score at will. Marcus Mariota is again in the starting lineup, and facing the Cleveland Browns (so a lot of points there). Alshon Jeffrey and A.J. Green both appear ready to feast this week, Melvin Gordon faces the same defense that just allowed 117 yards to Orleans Darkwa, and Kareem Hunt gets to shred the same defense that Gordon just ripped apart one week ago (no need to look up which defense that was). Meanwhile, Nick just traded away Drew Brees and DeMarco Murray. In their place: Derek Carr (career passer rating of 67.8 against the Chiefs) and Isaiah Crowell (who plays for the Browns). Oh, and Golden Tate is injured. This one has “Biggest Blowout of the Week” written all over it.

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-5) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-2)

So, how can C’s Champion Team respond to losing their MVP candidate QB for possibly the season? Replace him with another MVP candidate QB, of course! Little did everyone know, Chriss has been stashing Alex Smith on his bench all season. Smith might not be able to put up all of the points that Rodgers could have, but he can come close. The problem: Chriss was still losing with Rodgers because of poor production from the rest of his team, namely Sammy Watkins, Amari Cooper, and Jared Cook. Granted, Doug Martin and Frank Gore are a solid RB corps, but the rest of the starters will have to step up against Footballdamus, who is coming off a big win and features a possibly rejuvenated Carson Palmer and their own solid RBs in C.J. Anderson and Derrick Henry. Riez could also get big games from Mike Evans, Michael Thomas, and Danny Amendola. If he does, and Chriss gets hit usual production from the rest of his lineup, it may not matter who the QB is at all..

ONE LAST THING

I know this makes it two weeks in a row that I’ve included soccer in the newsletter. but bear with me. This is worth learning about. In a statement made seemingly out of nowhere earlier this week, Anthony Precourt, the owner of Columbus Crew SC, revealed that he is considering moving the team to Austin, TX in 2019 unless the city of Columbus builds the club a new downtown stadium. It’s a potential move that appears to be more than just potential, as Precourt and MLS have been secretly working on the deal for some time now. 

The announcement was, in an understatement, shocking and bullshit, for a number of reasons. First among them is that the Columbus Crew is one of the most iconic teams there’s ever been in American soccer. It was one of the original ten franchises when MLS debuted in 1996, and in fact the first team ever formally announced by the league. Since then, they’ve played in two MLS Cups (winning in 2008), earned three Supporters’ Shields (most points out of any team in the league), seen several players (Frankie Hejduk, Brian McBride, Jeff Cunningham, to name a few) become icons domestically and internationally, and had their black and yellow color scheme (sorry Ewing) etched into the fold of American soccer lore. The Crew would also have a ready-made rivalry with FC Cincinnati, a favored candidate for MLS expansion. When the two played in the U.S. Open Cup this year, it was pretty lit. To see a team with that kind of history and cultural significance (with room for so much more) uprooted would be a travesty.

Also, the Crew’s home field, MAPFRE Stadium, is one of the most beloved places in American soccer. It was the first soccer-specific stadium ever built in the U.S., an important first for the league. It’s been an intimidating place to play, not just for the Crew’s opponents, but also for those taking on the U.S. MAPFRE is a place where the National Team has a great record, and is often selected for “must-win” games. In particular, the streak of the U.S. defeating Mexico by a 2-0 scoreline at MAPFRE helped start the “Dos a Cero” rallying cry. Moving out of this place would be like the Chicago Cubs moving out of Wrigley Field, except Wrigley Field is 103 years old and MAPFRE is only 18 and just won Field of the Year two years ago. Making moving out of MAPFRE the key issue with this move is outrageous, especially since Precourt waited until AFTER the season ticket renewal deadline to make the announcement.

Plus, why Austin? I get that it’s a “hip” city that hosts SXSW and is home to a lot of growing startups. But, where Precourt is pointing the finger at Columbus has to do with down attendance. His case: this team has been largely ignored by supporters because Columbus is a college town (Ohio State). So, the solution is to move the team to a college town (Texas)? In addition, Columbus and Austin are roughly the same size and have roughly the same population. This move would also screw over another MLS expansion candidate city: San Antonio, which already has a team and ownership ready to go should they get the green light. As for the stadium, there’s been a USL team (scheduled to debut in 2019) that has had a hell of a time finding a stadium of their own. There’s not much room in Downtown Austin, though Precourt has said they could play in a temporary venue (such as Texas’ Darrell K. Royal Stadium) until construction is complete. But, wouldn’t that situation be much worse than, let’s say, playing in an already established stadium specifically built for soccer? Plus, Austin’s mayor confirmed that they will not put public funding into a stadium. Precourt has mentioned that any new stadium will be privately funded. So, why the hell not built it in Columbus? 

As to that last point, billionaire owners holding cities hostage and forcing them to built a shiny new stadium every 20 years or else they’ll take their ball and go somewhere else is absolute horseshit. It’s the worst part of American sports, and unless there’s a law passed to ban public funding for pro sports stadiums (lol), it will continue. Every sport has seen it. Remember the Baltimore Colts? The old Cleveland Browns? The Houston Oilers? The St. Louis Rams? The San Diego Chargers? Although this case was slightly different, we can add the Oakland Raiders in a few years. Expanding to other sports, it’s happened to Brooklyn (Dodgers/Giants), Montreal (Expos), Vancouver (Grizzlies), Seattle (Sonics), Hartford (Whalers), Quebec City (Nordiques), Winnipeg (Jets), Atlanta (Flames/Thrashers), Minnesota (North Stars), and more. It’s even happened in the MLS before. The original San Jose Earthquakes moved to Houston, became the Dynamo, and immediately won back-to-back MLS cups. Meanwhile, San Jose had to wait to get Earthquakes 2.0. The fact that Precourt (and MLS) can’t seem to understand the outrage at this a reflection of much larger problems.

So, why am I mentioning all of this in the newsletter. Because you all know a city that was almost on that list: Sacramento. Just a few years ago, I actually cried when I read these tweets, saying that the Kings were all but shipped to Seattle (after similar discussions with Anaheim and Virginia Beach of all places). Remember Grant and Jerry’s final sign off when we had no idea if our team would ever take the floor again? That’s what Columbus and Crew fans are going through right now. It absolutely sucks. So far, we’re the only city that’s been able to stop a relocation from happening. I don’t know if Columbus will be able to do the same, or if there’s realistically anything we can do to help other than offer support. Just know that there are thousands of good, die-hard sports fans that are more than likely about to get their hearts ripped out. 

Ruben DominguezCommissionerEpic League of Epic Epicness