Ruben's Writings

(cue theme music)

Boys and girls of every age,

Wouldn’t you like to see something strange?

Come with us and you will see,

This, our league of Fantasy!

This is Fantasy, this is Fantasy!

Footballs deflate in the dead of night!

This is Fantasy, everybody get a huge lead,

It’s not like we can blow THIS one, right?

It’s our league, everybody scores,

In this league of Fantasy!

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

I am the one running like a truck,

Feet moving fast and laying you out!

I am the one hiding under the fog,

Fingers like rings and crocs on my feet!

This is Fantasy, this is Fantasy!

Fantasy! Fantasy! Fantasy! Fantasy!

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

In this league we call home,

Everyone stand for the National Anthem hail to the football song!

In this league, don’t we love it now?

Everybody’s waiting for the next concussion!

Round that corner, a team hiding in the trash can Coliseum,

Someone’s ready to make a run, and how they’ll…

Score! This is Fantasy!

Silver and Black, AC/DC,

Aren’t you scared?

Well, that’s just fine.

Roll it up, take a hit,

Celebrate and throw a flag.

It’s not like we’ll get suspended AGAIN, right?

Everybody’s injured, everybody’s injured!!!!

In our league of Fantasy!

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

I am the Todd with the break-away speed,

Here in a flash and gone without a trace!

I am the “who” when you call, “Who dat?”

I am the Brees blowing through your defense!

I am the rookie already kicking ass,

Filling your future to the brim with hope!

This is Fantasy, this is Fantasy!

Fantasy! Fantasy! Fantasy! Fantasy!

Fantasy! Fantasy!

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

Touchdowns, touchdowns everywhere,

Life’s no fun with good clock management.

We’ll win a lot, but not in the playoffs!

In our league of Fantasy!

In this league…

Don’t we love it now?

Everybody’s waiting for the next ACL tear!

Commissioner Roger might catch you beating your wife,

And suspend you maybe one game,

Make you play another Thursday Night!

This is Fantasy, everybody scores!

Won’t ya please make way for a very special guy…

Our man Josh is King of scoring points!

Everyone hail to the Points King!

This is Fantasy, this is Fantasy!

Fantasy! Fantasy! Fantasy! Fantasy!

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

In this league we call home,

Everyone hail to the football song!

La la-la la! Fantasy! 

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

GREATER FOOLS (5-2) DEF. WILD HOGS (3-4)

119.32 – 104.04

Superman came to the rescue, but it wasn’t Cam Newton saving the day. As a matter of fact, Newton’s terrible day prevented Wild Hogs from truly breaking out. Despite Jordan Reed having good numbers, a poor effort from Jimmy’s QB (less than ten points) left the door open for Greater Fools, who rode Carson Wentz’s stellar performance for the victory. However, it was not a truly complete performance. Yes, LeVeon Bell, Aaron Jones, and Doug Baldwin had great games. But, Devante Adams and Austin Hooper combined for less than two points. Jimmy almost took advantage, with Tyreek Hill and Antonio Brown returning to form, plus a boost from the Los Angeles Rams defense. Even if Newton had an average day, it probably would have been enough for Jimmy to get over the top. It’s more bad luck for Jimmy, who played one of only four teams who scored more than his squad did. This, after tallying the third-highest score last week, only to fall to Gee, who had the second-highest. He’s got to feel snake bitten… I mean pumpkin bitten… at this point.  

LORD SANDWICH (5-2) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (2-5)

80.66 – 75.44

In another matchup that came down to Monday Night, Lord Sandwich was able to mount a comeback to defeat Jop Suey!!! In the end, the Philadelphia Eagles attacked through the air versus on the ground, meaning Zach Ertz put up 15 points and allowed Ewing to take the lead for good from Taylor, who was let down by Wendell Smallwood’s, well, small four-point production. Despite Dak Prescott and Mark Ingram going off for Ewing, Adam Vinatieri getting blanked, Marshawn Lynch getting ejected (more on that later), and Jordy Nelson and Martavis Bryant not doing shit allowed Taylor to race into the lead, backed by solid outings from Drew Brees and Greg Zuerlein. However, Taylor could not pad his lead like he wanted, due to bad games from Larry Fitzgerald and Taylor Gabriel, who combined for less than four points. It’s another close win against a low-scoring team for Ewing, who must have some kind of magic going in his favor this season.

WRS-R-US (6-1) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (1-6)

80.82 – 57.78

After Derek Carr threw down 30 points Thursday Night, it looked like Dixie Normous might actually have a chance to pull of the huge upset over WRs-R-Us. Unfortunately for Nick, the rest of his starters only combined for 27 points, including goose eggs from Brandon McManus and the Oakland Raiders defense and sub-two-point performances from Terrelle Pryor and Martellus Bennett. Kyle had a low-scoring week by his own standards, but was able to get the win thanks to a balanced attack. Though Marcus Mariota scored less than nine points, a great game from the Jacksonville Jaguars defense and solid outings from Ryan Succop and Kareem Hunt gave Kyle enough a boost. In fact, Kyle’s lowest-scoring starter, Alshon Jeffery, still had more points than five of Nick’s guys. It doesn’t matter how well ONE of your players does. It takes an all-around team effort to take down Kyle, who seemingly has a bunch of different ways to score.

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (2-5) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-3)

120.48 – 56.08

Speaking of an all-around team effort, um… holy shit! Where has this been all season? C’s Champion Team straight up annihilated Footballdamus. Chriss had been waiting for Amari Cooper to finally get his shit together, and he did in a 33-point effort. Alex Smith and Kenny Stills also had great showings, while Justin Tucker and Jared Cook also made nice contributions. All told, Chriss surpassed his previous season high by a whopping 35 points! That wasn’t good news for Riez, who decided to shit the bed completely instead of compete. Mike Evans and Evan Engram were the only starters to score double digit points. Carson Palmer’s potentially season-ending injury (more on that later) meant Riez only got four points from his QB. It would also spell trouble for Riez going forward, but he has both Matt Ryan and Jared Goff on his bench. However, this begs the question: if you have Matt Ryan and Jared Goff, why the hell are you starting Carson Palmer in the first place? Side note: Chriss unintentionally looks a lot like Blade in this pic.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (5-2) DEF. 49ERS (2-5)

114.42 – 87.66

But, it was the defending champ who had the most complete performance of the week. Not one starter for Fred Sanford (Dummy) scored fewer than six points, in part to the Buffalo Bills’ high-scoring win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. LeSean McCoy ran rampant for 22 points, while Tyrod Taylor added 20 of his own. Stephen Hauschka, Dez Bryant, and Chris Thompson also added solid contributions for Bryan. As for the 49ers, if they had a QB in real life who played as well as Russell Wilson did for Gee, they might not be 0-7. Wilson’s 26 points, Todd Gurley’s own 21 and Julio Jones’ 15-point effort were good enough, if anyone else in the starting lineup had bothered to put up a fight. Demaryius Thomas got less than a point, Adrian Peterson only managed three points, and both Jerick McKinnon and Gronk only put up a paltry five points. It’s another disappointing result for Gee, while Brian’s fifth straight win sets up a titanic showdown next week.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (4-3) DEF. BIRDS OF WAR (3-4)

110.12 – 69.66

Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott Fuck Ezekiel Elliott. Ewok ass lookin’ motherfucker.

STANDINGS

THE STANDINGS THAT MATTER:

1. WRs-R-Us (6-1)
2. Greater Fools (5-2)
3. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (5-2)
4. Lord Sandwich (5-2)
5. The Krispy Kritters (4-3)
6. Footballdamus (4-3)
7. Wild Hogs (3-4)
8. Birds of War (3-4)
9. 49ers (2-5)
10. Jop Suey!!! (2-5)
11. C’s Champion Team (2-5)
12. Dixie Normous (1-6)

SCORER STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (5-2)
2. Greater Fools (5-2)
3. The Krispy Kritters (5-2)
4. 49ers (5-2)
5. Wild Hogs (5-2)
6. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (4-3)
7. Birds of War (4-3)
8. Jop Suey!!! (3-4)
9. C’s Champion Team (3-4)
10. Lord Sandwich (2-5)
11. Footballdamus (1-6)
12. Dixie Normous (0-7)

COMBINED STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (11-3)
2. Greater Fools (10-4)
3. The Krispy Kritters (9-5)
4. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (9-5)
5. Wild Hogs (8-6)
6. 49ers (7-7)
7. Birds of War (7-7)
8. Lord Sandwich (7-7)
9. Jop Suey!!! (5-9)
10. C’s Champion Team (5-9)
11. Footballdamus (5-9)
12. Dixie Normous (1-13)

POINTS LEADERBOARD:

1. WRs-R-Us (733.60)
2. Greater Fools (699.44)
3. The Krispy Kritters (647.30)
4. 49ers (645.50)
5. Wild Hogs (638.28)
6. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (606.66)
7. Jop Suey!!! (598.34)
8. Birds of War (564.32)
9. Lord Sandwich (540.60)
10. C’s Champion Team (535.88)
11. Footballdamus (473.40)
12. Dixie Normous (442.90)

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

Well, that was anticlimactic. The much-hyped Super Bowl rematch between the New England Patriots and Atlanta Falcons ended up being an ass whooping by the Pats. Even though they faced New England’s depleted defense, Atlanta’s offense only mustered seven points, and those came on a garbage time TD. The Falcons are clearly missing Kyle Shanahan, who I’m pretty sure misses them, too. This once-fabled offense is now being led by the guy who drank his way out of the USC head coaching job and fucked up Alabama’s chances to go undefeated last season by not realizing they had other RBs not named Bo Scarbrough. Dan Quinn gave his best “this is fine” defense of Sark, but at this point, I’m not even sure the Falcons make the playoffs. Meanwhile, New England continues to be New England and refuses to die while Tom Brady and Bill Belichick exist. Although, this time their efforts weren’t seen by everyone.

That’s because there was a metric shit-ton of fog at Gillette Stadium on Sunday, making the game straight up unwatchable at certain points. I mean, look at this!:

They would cancel high school games in similar conditions. Here’s the view that the NBC broadcasters had of what was going on.

However, the fog did lead to one good thing. The only way to get a good view of the action was to switch up the camera to the sky cam hovering over the middle of the field. The result was actually pretty cool.

It reminds me of the angle used in Madden. It’s a unique look, one that I wouldn’t necessarily want for every play, but to switch to a couple of times per drive. The Foxborough fog may have led to the start of sometime cool.

Patriots and Falcons fans weren’t the only ones who couldn’t see their team score this past week. In fact, two teams failed to add to the scoreboard for the first time in a long time.

Both the Indianapolis Colts and Denver Broncos were shutout for the first time in more than 20 years. It’s pretty incredible that both of these amazing streaks ended on the same day, and that both teams lost at home. Wait… whoops, Denver actually played at home. I just got confused because there were so many Broncos fans at the Stubhub Center. But, yikes, their team did not look good against the Chargers. How the mighty have fallen. Now, they get to play the Kansas City Chiefs in what might be a must-win game this week. I suppose it could be worse, as Colts fans can attest to after seeing their team lose 27-0 to the Jacksonville Jaguars. T.Y. Hilton has a clear take on what went wrong.

Because that’s how you show you have your teammates’ back during tough times. At least it wasn’t the stupidest thing a WR did this past week.

To recap: Martavis Bryant, upset at a lack of production, asks for a trade. The Pittsburgh Steelers try to kill any rumors around Bryant, who has a good game the following week. However, he then goes after his teammate JuJu Smith-Schuster (who had been taking some of Bryant’s targets), saying he’s clearly better than the rookie in an Instagram comment. So, the Steelers demote Bryant to the scout team and rule him inactive for Sunday’s game, while also saying that Bryant won’t be traded. Looks like Bryant really dropped the ball on that one, huh? 

Of course, Bryant didn’t have the worst week out of everyone.

Yeah, the Arizona Cardinals are done at this point, and possibly done for the foreseeable future. This injury might end Carson Palmer’s career, while Larry Fitzgerald might look at the remaining QB options, realize that he’s too old for this shit, and retire. It seems less than two years after making it to the NFC championship game, Arizona’s window has closed. It’s a sign of how quickly things can change in the NFL. Just look at the San Francisco 49ers.

As for Jay Cutler, his injury will keep him out of tonight’s game against the Baltimore Ravens and possibly longer, though apparent’y he’d be ready to go next week. Personally, I think Cutler should try and push through the pain and play the next game, no matter how poorly he might perform. Don’t look at the Miami Dolphins’ opponent for that game. It makes no difference. I’m totally not biased.

However, the lesson, as always: Cleveland Browns fans always have it worse.

For those asking “What else could go wrong?” for the Browns this season, here’s your answer. Joe Thomas, the NFL’s Iron Man who had not missed a snap in his entire NFL career (that’s 10,363 consecutive snaps!), went down with a torn triceps injury and is out for the rest of the season. Cleveland, 0-7 with arguably the best LT ever, are now without Thomas for their last nine games. Hugs your Browns fan friends, people.

One more bit of injury-related news. You might have missed this during the Dallas Cowboys’ ass whooping of the 49ers last week, but the Cowboys had to play a significant part of the game without their kicker, Dan Bailey. With no other placekicker on the roster, the Cowboys had to find an emergency replacement.

Believe it or not, Jeff Heath didn’t do that bad, going 2/3 on extra points and getting good distance on his kickoffs. Heath also became the first non-kicker/punter to make multiple extra points since Ted Thompson (current GM of the Green Bay Packers) did so in 1980. Although, Dallas could’ve had me handle kicking duties and still soundly beaten the 49ers.

Finally, I know this is week-old news, but the Oakland Raiders might’ve saved their season by beating the Chiefs in what might end up as the most batshit insane game of the season. It featured several long TD passes (including a tipped almost interception that bounced straight into Albert Wilson’s hands), multiple untimed downs, three penalties in the final eight seconds, and a game-winner with no time on the clock. Put it this way, Marshawn Lynch pushed a referee and it wasn’t the most talked-about thing that happened on Thursday.

Oh, Beast Mode. I love you, but you do some stupid shit sometimes. Apparently, Lynch ran onto the field to defend Marcus Peters, who is, you know, is on the other team and was the one whose late hit on Derek Carr sparked the scrum in the first place. Peters even testified in favor of Lynch during his suspension appeal. 

But, just when it seemed he was losing some fans, Beast Mode went Beast Mode.

Lynch followed that up by riding BART home after the game.

Lynch apparently taught a German tourist how to throw up signs while on board. He was also with Peters on the train. It went about as well as expected. Oh yeah, Lynch also spent part of his suspension returning to his alma mater of Oakland Tech High School, playing with the football team, and wrecking children. Never change, Beast Mode!

HIGHLIGHTS

ACTUAL FOOTBALL:

• Derek Carr and Amari Cooper connect on the flea flicker for Cooper’s first TD of the game.
• Cordarrelle Patterson makes a great one-handed catch to keep the drive alive.
• Cooper turns on the jets for his second TD.
• Khalil Mack runs over Eric Fisher with one arm.
• Tyreek Hill dashes by the human traffic cone David Amerson for the long TD.
• DeAndre Washington channels his inner Beast Mode for the TD.
• Stupid voodoo bullshit happens and Albert Wilson gets a TD.
• Jared Cook nearly claims the game-winner.
• Michael Crabtree does just that a few plays later.
• Giorgio Tavecchio bellissimo!
• Here’s the final 20 seconds of the game for those who want to relive the complete insanity.
• Eddie Jackson picks up the botches toss and returns it 75 yards for the TD.
• Jackson then gets a 76-yard pick six.
• The Titty Kisser hits Tarik Cohen for 70 yards.
• Christian McCaffrey with a sick one-handed snag.
• Matt Forte somehow gets the first down.
• Robby Anderson scores, then decides to enjoy the game from the first row.
• How the hell did Kenny Stills catch this?
• Aaron Jones takes it 46 yards for the score.
• Ryan Succop sends the Cleveland Browns to 0-7.
• Latavus Murray jukes a defender to finish off the TD run.
• Allen Hurns breaks a tackle for a big gain.
• T.J. Yeldon bursts free for the long TD run.
• Landon Collins gets over the block and dumps Tyler Lockett on his ass.
• Paul Richardson catches the flea flicker for the TD.
• LeVeon Bell sends Dre Kirkpatrick to the Shadow Realm with a stiff arm.
• The Pittsburgh Steelers fake a punt and gain 44 yards.
• Drew Kaser with one of the best punts I have ever seen.
• Travis Benjamin returns the punt 65 yards for the TD.
• Benjamin speeds up for another score.
• Melvin Ingram decapitates sacks Trevor Siemian and gets a bullshit flag.
• Todd Gurley makes some defenders miss and scores.
• Jason Witten makes a great one-handed TD catch.
• Ezekiel Elliott with a 72-yard TD. At this point, I knew I was screwed.
• Dez Bryant makes a nice grab in the back of the endzone.
• Reuben Foster stops Elliott dead in his tracks. If only this could’ve happened a few other times.
• Julio Jones straight up takes the ball away from Malcom Butler for the TD.
• Carson Wentz throws a BOMB to Mack Hollins for the TD.
• Wentz avoids the pressure and hits Corey Clement for the TD.
• When we look back at Wentz’s season when he wins MVP, this play will be the one that took the discussion to the next level.

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Pernell McPhee makes fun of Cam Newton after a big hit.
• Bobby McCain gets his ass slapped five yards.
• A woman in a yellow poncho gets her money’s worth.
• Mike Wallace gets KTFO.
• Here’s the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ final lateral sequence set to Yakety Sax.
• JuJu Smith-Schuster and LeVeon Bell play hide-and-seek. Martavis Bryant was not invited.
• “Oh…”
• Vontaze Burfict kicks Roosevelt Nix. Why is this asshole still in the NFL?
• Three different Los Angeles Chargers players trip and fall after the play.
• Dak Prescott and Cole Beasley debate whether or not dogs stretch.
• Jeff Heath makes his first extra point… barely.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• ESPN Executive Producer: “Okay everyone, College GameDay is going to Happy Valley for Penn State-Michigan. It’s going to be the biggest game of the week, so we need some fresh ideas for Saturday morning’s show. What have you got?
• Producer 1: “What if we put together a feature piece on Penn State’s “White Out” tradition that they’re going to be continuing that night?
• ESPN Executive Producer: “No, we can’t promote something called “White Out” after we suspended Jemele Hill. People will think we’re racist. That reminds me, we should call up Hank Williams, Jr. and ask if he’ll redo the Monday Night Football intro. What else?”
• Producer 2: “What if we spent more than two minutes talking about SEC schools other than Alabama, or any Pac-12 school at all?”
• ESPN Executive Producer: “You’re fired. Come on, people! I need some real, quality TV ideas!”
• Producer 3: “What if we made 82-year-old Lee Corso crowd surf?”
• ESPN Executive Producer: “GENIUS!!! It’s in the rundown! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a production meeting about our new show where Stephen A. Smith and Lavar Ball comment on twitter feuds for an hour and a half.”

STAT OF THE WEEK

Logan Thomas’ first career college TD: October 16, 2010 vs. Wake Forest. 2-yard pass from Tyrod Taylor to the corner of the endzone. 

Logan Thomas’ first career NFL TD catch: October 22, 2017 vs. Tampa Bay. 22-yard pass from Tyrod Taylor to the corner of the endzone.

Spooky!

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Nick: $40

Tyler G: $40

Kyle: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Taylor: BOO!!!

Chriss: BOO!!!

Jimmy: BOO!!!

Riez: BOO!!!

Richard: BOO!!!

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

LORD SANDWICH (5-2) VS. WRS-R-US (6-1)

This week features two potential semifinal previews. In the first matchup, fourth-place Lord Sandwich takes on the top dog, WRs-R-Us. However, this clash of powers may be one-sided. Four of Ewing’s normal starters, Jordy Nelson (bye week), Martavis Bryant (demoted for being a dumbass), the Tennessee Titans defense (bye), and Marshawn Lynch (suspended for being a dumbass), will need to be replaced. Dak Prescott will have to do his thing again, while Adam Thielen and Zach Ertz will have to take advantage of their favorable matchups. As for Kyle, Marcus Mariota is on a bye, but Andy Dalton is facing the Indianapolis Colts, so there should be plenty of points there (plus the A.J. Green bonus). In addition, Alshon Jeffery, Jake Elliott and the Philadelphia Eagles defense are playing the 0-7 San Francisco 49ers at home. It’s all set up to be a big week for Kyle and a small one for Ewing. But, as we all know, fantasy football is far from predictable. 

GREATER FOOLS (5-2) VS. FRED SANDORD (DUMMY) (5-2)

In the other showdown, the Dad Bowl has all the makings of a close, high-scoring slugfest. But, will it be? While Greater Fools has Carson Wentz in a “fish in a barrel” type of matchup and LeVeon Bell facing a vulnerable Detroit Lions defense, Dad’s RB situation is not enviable. Bell is the only one active this week, with Leonard Fournette and Aaron Jones on byes and Terrance West and David Johnson injured. Though he can find a replacement RB, it will be tough for Dad to replace that kind of production. As for Fred Sanford (Dummy), their performance is directly tied to that of the Wagon Circlers, who play the Oakland Raiders this week. Though the Buffalo Bills defense might get ripped apart by the Raiders offense, Tyrod Taylor and LeSeason McCoy are in for big games against a susceptible defense. However, it would also help Brian if 50-50 matchups facing Dez Bryant, Chirs Thompson and Travis Kelce all broke his way.

49ERS (2-5) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (4-3)

At least one of the teams in the above matchups will fall to 5-3, meaning this is the perfect chance for the Krispy Kritters to climb even further in the standings. To do so, they’ll have to get past the hit-and-miss (though mostly missing) 49ers. This week, Deshaun Watson (Seattle Seahawks), Julio Jones (New York Jets), Demaryius Thomas (Kansas City Chiefs), and Gronk (Los Angeles Chargers) all face opponents they could either dominate or struggle against. Jerick McKinnon should do work against the Cleveland Browns and the Cincinnati Bengals defense should rough up the Colts, but will it be enough to come out on top. Richard will be missing both Robert Woods and Delanie Walker due to byes, but DeAndre Hopkins and Hunter Henry should be enough to fill in. Kirk Cousins, Nelson Agholor, and Ezekiel Elliott should all be productive this week as well. Richard should be rooting for Greater Fools to win, as they have a much higher point total and would be pretty much uncatchable this week even if they were to lose.

JOP SUEY!!! (2-5) VS. WILD HOGS (3-4)

This matchup could prove to be quite important come crunch time. Jop Suey!!! is currently out of a playoff spot, while Wild Hogs is not far from the edge. For Jimmy to not fall off, it’s important for Cam Newton to get his shit together. Playing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers might just do the trick. Antonio Brown and Tyreek Hill appear primed for big days, while Christian McCaffrey and Carlos Hyde could get stonewalled against tough run defenses. As for Taylor, his QB, Drew Brees, is facing the same defense that just held Newton to single digits. Granted, Brees is playing in the Superdome, so he’ll probably put up more points than that. But, he’ll need the rest of his starters to actually do something this week. Devonta Freeman and Wendell Smallwood need to break through against tough competition, while Stefon Diggs has to overcome his lack of a good QB and make some tough catches. The Minnesota Vikings defense could also provide a nice bump this week.

DIXIE NORMOUS (1-6) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-3)

Last week’s two lowest-scoring teams meet this week in a matchup that might be even uglier. Both Dixie Normous and Footballdamus have multiple starters out with byes (or worse), but serviceable players do exist on their benches. For Riez, swapping Carson Palmer with either Matt Ryan or Jared Goff should have been done weeks ago, but replacing the production of Derrick Henry and Evan Engram could prove to be much tougher. Michael Thomas, Mike Evans, and C.J. Anderson might need to have big days. Nick, meanwhile, is Marqise Lee and Martellus Bennett, but he does get Golden Tate back. Jay Ajayi and Jordan Howard will have to make it rain this week, unlike last week, when the flow of points had seemingly dried up. Derek Carr could get very hot, but the Raiders defense will have to be ice cold to put freeze Riez in his tracks. Loving these weather puns? No idea where they came from. It just happened. Roll with it.

BIRDS OF WAR (3-4) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (2-5)

This has been a season of runs for the Birds of War. After starting the season with three straight wins, I’ve lost four straight and slid all the way from second- to eighth-place. Now, I’m entering a crucial three-game stretch where I basically need all wins to have a realistic shot of making the playoffs. Put it this way, I’ve just picked up the New Orleans Saints defense. I’m desperate here. I need Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks to go after the Chargers secondary, LeGarrette Blount to take advantage of the 49ers defense, and Michael Crabtree to be Derek Carr’s favorite target. This last point is particularly crucial, because C’s Champion Team includes Amari Cooper, who may have returned to form last week. Good news for my favorite team, bad news for my fantasy football team. Chriss may be missing Sammy Watkins, but with Alex Smith, the Kansas City Chiefs defense, and Doug Martin on his squad, and the memory of him curbstomping Riez last week still in my mind, I’m hoping for some unexpected struggles for his guys.

ONE LAST THING

I’m going to be blunt with this: Color Rush needs to die in a fire.

It’s been nearly two years since this poorly thought out idea made its debut on NFL fields, and it’s been rightfully, mercilessly mocked ever since. Seemingly everything they’ve tried to do to make it work has only made it worse.

During the original rollout in 2015, nearly all of the four matchups featured the two teams wearing colors (the Dallas Cowboys wore white). The uniforms for the first game, Jets-Bills, actually looked pretty good. However, there was a problem: the most common form of color blindness leaves people unable to differentiate between red and green, meaning that a not small amount of people couldn’t tell the teams apart. While the vision issue wasn’t a problem for the two other games, many fans regretted seeing the uniforms in the first place. Rams-Bucs was dubbed “Mustard vs. Ketchup,” while Jags-Titans included a Jacksonville uniform that was the color of one of the darker shades of urine on the dehydration scale.

To try and avoid any future color blind issues during the full 32-team rollout last season, the NFL made it a point to have one team wear either white or a very light color. That, unfortunately, led to creations like this creamsicle Miami Dolphins getup and this radioactive Seattle Seahawks attire (and I thought making an uglier jersey than this was impossible). To be fair, a few of them actually were nice to look at, and the Oakland Raiders’ one is, naturally, sexy as hell. However, most were generally unsightly or simply forgettable, and it’s the same case this year. Some are simply cop-outs, with teams only changing the color of the pants to match one of their normal uniforms. Some just dodn’t make any sense. Keeping the terrible all black look for the San Francisco 49ers and reusing it for color rush? Non-powder blue for the Los Angeles Chargers? Making the Raiders wear all white again, this time AT HOME?!? I mean, it’s not like there are other, possibly better-looking options for a team nicknamed the Silver and Black.

So, this clearly isn’t working like the NFL hoped it would. What should they do about it. Well, I’m not one to bitch about something and not have an alternative solution. Here are three different directions the NFL could take:

1. Make Color Rush a “color on color” game. Have each team wear their home uniforms (or have one wear an alternate if the two home jerseys are too close). You’d still get to keep the whole color thing, but have it actually look good. One of the most prominent examples of this is USC and UCLA, who both wear their home uniforms when they play each other. I mean, look at this. Does that not look amazing? How would you like to see that in the NFL? Imagine the New Orleans Saints’ black and gold against the Atlanta Falcons’ battle red. A Rams–49ers game would be like UCLA-USC, pro version instead of this bullshit. We could have arguably the prettiest matchup in all of sports if the Chargers’ powder blues ever shared the field with the best-looking uniform ever made. The possibilities are endless and attractive.

2. Switch up the special theme to “Throwback Thursday.” The NFL likes to prove it’s trendy and hip, and Throwback Thursday is something the kids are into these days, yo. Teams already to special throwback days. Plus, it would mean another jersey to be sold, thus another way for the NFL to make money. Granted, some disgusting awful abominations should never be brought back to see the light of day. However, there are some teams with throwback jerseys so good-looking, they should be the full-time uniforms. The Falcons and the Dirty Bird are inseparable. This other Pittsburgh Steelers look is the polar opposite of the bumblebees. The New England Patriots’ need to bring back Patriot Pat for good. The Philadelphia Eagles’ kelly greens might be my favorite non-Raider NFL uniform. Look at this photo of the old school Buffalo Bills look in a matchup with the Tennessee Titans in Houston Oilers getup and tell me it looks bad. You can’t! #ThrowbackThursday would be a much better option.

3. Stop being greedy assholes, consider the added risks of a shortened week to players and teams (as well as horrid TV ratings), and get rid of Thursday Night altogether.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness