Ruben's Writings

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Congrats to the Houston Astros on winning the 2017 World Series! I’m sure I speak for everyone here (especially Nick) when I say that I’m happy the Astros beat the Los Angeles Dodgers and captured the first championship in franchise history. It’s a remarkable achievement for a team that has been synonymous with failure and a plays so terrible they had articles written about them. for as long as we can remember. Four years ago, the Astros capped a third straight 100+ loss season. Now, they’re a 101-win championship team.  

If you didn’t end up catching at least part of these seven games, you missed one of the best World Series of all time. It was a back-and-forth classic, featuring one of the best World Series games in recent memory, which was soon followed by arguably the most batshit crazy baseball game of all time. Records fell left and right in a rare star-studded matchup that actually lived up to the hype. The ending gave the people of Houston, who still have a lot of recovering to do after Hurricane Harvey, plenty reason to smile. Even after it ended, there were plenty of smiles to be had when Carlos Correa capped the night off by proposing to his girlfriend during a live TV interview. Man… who’s cutting onions in here?

(2024 edit: yikes…)

In addition, the Astros’ win proved one of the craziest predictions of all time true.

That issue came out in 2014. If you think that’s spooky enough, consider that the guy on the cover (and in the photo at the top) is George Springer, who was the 2017 World Series MVP. This is like the anti-SI cover jinx.

Anyway, in honor of the Astros’ first ever title, this week’s newsletter will have a bit of a Houston theme to it, minus the grills and whips and bats and churros and astronauts and H-Town rappers. Well, for the most part.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

WRS-R-US (7-1) DEF. LORD SANDWICH (5-3)

102.82 – 100.42

In what was one of the closest matchups all season, this potential playoff preview came down to Monday Night Football and the performance of Kareem Hunt. Although Hunt didn’t really do much, it was enough for the first place WRs-R-Us to sneak by Lord Sandwich. Although his team isn’t known for their scoring, Ewing’s squad put up its second-highest total all season. Not one player tallied less than five points, with Adam Thielen, Alex Collins, Marvin Jones, Tyler Lockett, and Mark Ingram all putting up solid days. However, the glaring letdown came at the most important position: QB. Dak Prescott only managed to put up seven points, failing to make Ewing’s total unbeatable and leaving the door open for Kyle, who once again proved he’s on top of the pack for a reason. Although Pierre Garcon got injured and Austin Seferian-Jenkins had a terrible day, the Philadelphia Eagles defense stepped up for a huge 20 points, while Melvin Gordon matched that total with a stellar effort. Unlike Ewing’s QB, Andy Dalton stepped up in place of Marcus Mariota (on a bye week) and put up a respectable 18 points. Alshon Jeffrey added 14 of his own, keeping Kyle close enough to win despite Hunt’s pedestrian performance. Despite Ewing’s close upset bid, Kyle keeps finding ways to win, a trait that served the Astros well this year. Anyway, for those who haven’t seen it, here’s the commercial where the screenshot below was taken from. Jose Altuve will probably win the AL MVP, but he sure as hell won’t win an Emmy anytime soon. 

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (6-2) DEF. GREATER FOOLS (5-3)

120.10 – 71.54

Meanwhile, this week’s other big showdown ended up being quite disappointing. The Dad Bowl turned out to be a rout, with Fred Sanford (Dummy) firmly etching itself as the Georgia to WRs-R-Us’ Alabama (College Football Playoff rankings be damned). As ever, whenever the Buffalo Bills are hot, so is Brian, and they have never been hotter all season than they were last week in a surprising beat down of the Oakland Raiders (god fucking damn it). LeSean McCoy put up a huge 23 points, while Tyrod Taylor’s 16 points and the Bills defense’s 15 points were huge boosts as well. Brian got another big push on Monday with Travis Kelce’s 19 points. Alvin Kamara’s 13 points definitely weren’t wasted, either. In total, Dez Bryant, surprisingly, was the only member of Brian’s squad to put up fewer than seven points. The Greater Fools, meanwhile, were not so fortunate. Although Carson Wentz had a solid 18 points and LeVeon Bell and Austin Hooper had decent games with 12 and ten points, respectively, Dad’s squad largely fell flat on their faces. The Houston Texans defense put up a goose egg, with Cordarrelle Patterson not doing much better. In addition, Doug Baldwin, DeSean Jackson, and Tarik Cohen all put up fewer points than Brian’s lowest-scoring player. Dad will, naturally, cry that the reason he got beat down worse than when he lost to his own son was that some of his better players (Aaron Jones and Leonard Fournette) were on byes. To that, I have this response: Ruben hears ya, Ruben don’t care.

49ERS (3-5) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (4-4)

125.28 – 97.52

Meanwhile, this week’s highest-scoring matchup came from the middle-end of the standings. The Krispy Kritters’ biggest stars threw what they could at the 49ers, with DeAndre Hopkins putting up 28 points and Ezekiel Elliott dropping 25 of his own. However, the rest of Richard’s squad failed to even match Hopkins and Elliott’s combined total. Kirk Cousins managed just 11 points, while Nelson Agholor, Javorius Allen, and Hunter Henry combined for less than ten points. Honestly, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. No one was beating Gee this week, not after Russell Wilson’s 36-point bomb was dropped. No one on Gee’s squad put up fewer than five points. Add in Jerick McKinnon’s 20 points, Jimmy Graham’s 16, and the Cincinnati Bengals defense’s 14, and you get the highest score of the week. In fact, Gee finished just a few points short of the highest total so far this season. But here’s the thing: Gee could’ve annihilated that mark had he inserted Will Fuller, who finished with 24 points. By the way, do you guys know who else is lurking on Gee’s bench? Deshaun fucking Watson, the guy who’s lighting up the league and will probably win OROY, and his 35 points. WHAT THE HELL, GEE?!?!? Watson’s a peacock, Gee! You’ve got to let him fly! Wait… I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. Oh… oh shit. We’ll get to that later. For now, we’re going to roll with this, because it’s too damn late and I don’t feel like changing this picture.

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (3-5) DEF. BIRDS OF WAR (3-5)

83.48 – 82.52

Fuck the Kansas City Chiefs. Fuck Alex Smith for running 14 yards for that first down and playing shitty enough to make it close. Fuck Marcus Peters for making an incredible defensive play, taking full advantage of it, and later catching a pass thrown right at him. Fuck Kenneth Acker and Ron Parker for their interceptions as well. Fuck Travis Kelce because fuck Travis Kelce. Fuck De’Anthony Thomas for recovering the dropped punt and fuck Isaiah McKenzie for muffing it in the first place. Fuck the Denver Broncos. Fuck Trevor Siemian for being a fucking awful QB who throws lame ducks straight to DBs and is less coordinated than Bambi on a frozen pond. Fuck Jamaal Charles for being a sleeper agent for his old team. Fuck Bennie Fowler for dropping a wide open TD catch. Fuck Devontae Booker and A.J. Derby for scoring and giving me false hope. Fuck David Johnson for getting hurt in the first game of the year. Fuck Ty Montgomery for breaking his ribs and fuck Aaron Jones for playing well enough to steal his starting job. Fuck Tom Brady and the New England Patriots’ WRs (especially Brandin Cooks) for failing to play up to their potential. Fuck Matt Moore for not throwing to Jarvis Landry more. Fuck Chriss for being an Oakland Raiders fan and having Chiefs players on his team. The Birds of War were 32 points ahead going into Monday Night Football and C’s Champion Team scored 33. If Denver had managed to convert the two-point attempt, I still would have won. Fuck this gay earth and fuck me.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-3) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (1-7)

82.16 – 40.12

I’m not sure, but I think Dixie Normous has given up on the season. Against Footballdamus, Nick started Mike Wallace (out with a concussion) and didn’t even start a TE. He did have a TE on his roster, though, picking up Tyler Kroft only to leave him on the bench for some inexplicable reason. It didn’t help his cause that Terrelle Pryor didn’t register a catch (and thus a point) all game, while the Raiders defense somehow did even worse than that, finishing in the negatives (son of a bitch). Add in Derek Carr’s paltry day (fucking hell) and you get this result, which was bad even by Nick’s standards. Carr (14 points) and Jordan Howard (12 points) were the only ones on Nick’s squad to finish in double digits, and it wasn’t even close. Meanwhile, Riez continues to climb up the standings, despite being one of the lowest scoring teams in the league. You certainly can’t fault the Baltimore Ravens defense, who put up a whopping 29 points this week. That pretty much powered Riez to victory, despite overall underwhelming efforts from C.J. Anderson, Bilal Powell, Michael Thomas, and Mike Evans. It was also in spite of both O.J. Howard and Jermaine Kearse each finishing with less than two points. This might’ve actually been a close matchup had Nick’s ineptness and Baltimore’s defense both been so powerful. However, if you all can honestly believe it, there was one matchup that was even worse, that didn’t have the last place mark or a great performance to mask the terribleness of what happened between the two hapless teams.

JOP SUEY!!! (3-5) DEF. WILD HOGS (3-5)

79.86 – 41.76

Have you ever seen something so awful, so horrid and disgusting that, while it’s repulsive in every way, you can’t quite look away? That’s this matchup. What Jop Suey!!! and the Wild Hogs did on that virtual field should never be spoken of again. Don’t let the 79 points fool you. Taylor’s score only looks respectable because his kicker, Harrison Butker (whose last name looks like a typo), got 21 points, five more than any other player in this matchup. Ju-Ju Smith-Schuster’s 25 points would have made it better, but he was on Taylor’s bench in favor of Stefon Diggs and his two points. Drew Brees got five less points than Robby Anderson, and not in a good way. Meanwhile, when Cam Newton only has 13 points, yet also scores twice as much as everyone else, you’re gonna have a bad time. Tyreek Hill, Christian McCaffrey, and Carlos Hyde combined for fewer points than that. But, it’s not like Jimmy did himself any favors. I mean, he didn’t even take out the Los Angeles Rams defense, which was on a bye. Both Taylor and Jimmy are Oakland A’s fans, so I’m punishing them by putting their faces on players from teams of division rivals. This may seem cruel, but you must understand: what these two have done is one of the most insanely incompetent things I have ever seen. At no point in their bumbling, incomprehensible matchup were they even close to anything that could be considered a memorable highlight. Everyone in this league is now dumber for having seen it. I wish I could award them both no wins, and may God have mercy on their souls.

STANDINGS

THE STANDINGS THAT MATTER:

1. WRs-R-Us (7-1)
2. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (6-2)
3. Greater Fools (5-3)
4. Lord Sandwich (5-3)
5. Footballdamus (5-3)
6. The Krispy Kritters (4-4)
7. 49ers (3-5)
8. Jop Suey!!! (3-5)
9. Wild Hogs (3-5)
10. Birds of War (3-5)
11. C’s Champion Team (3-5)
12. Dixie Normous (1-7)

SCORER STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (6-2)
2. 49ers (6-2)
3. The Krispy Kritters (6-2)
4. Greater Fools (5-3)
5. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (5-3)
6. Wild Hogs (5-3)
7. Birds of War (4-4)
8. C’s Champion Team (4-4)
9. Jop Suey!!! (3-5)
10. Lord Sandwich (3-5)
11. Footballdamus (1-7)
12. Dixie Normous (0-8)

COMBINED STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (13-3)
2. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (11-5)
3. Greater Fools (10-6)
4. The Krispy Kritters (10-6)
5. 49ers (9-7)
6. Wild Hogs (8-8)
7. Lord Sandwich (8-8)
8. Birds of War (7-9)
9. C’s Champion Team (7-9)
10. Jop Suey!!! (6-10)
11. Footballdamus (6-10)
12. Dixie Normous (1-15)

POINTS LEADERBOARD:

1. WRs-R-Us (836.42)
2. Greater Fools (770.98)
3. 49ers (770.78)
4. The Krispy Kritters (744.82)
5. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (726.76)
6. Wild Hogs (680.04)
7. Jop Suey!!! (678.20)
8. Birds of War (646.84)
9. Lord Sandwich (641.02)
10. C’s Champion Team (619.36)
11. Footballdamus (555.56)
12. Dixie Normous (483.02)

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

Oh my fucking god. This is terrible, terrible news about a promising player that has huge ramifications across the league. For one, the Houston Texans, already beset by big injuries, are now almost certainly out of the playoffs. I guess Houston fans really can’t have anything nice. At least they have some new World Series champion gear to wipe their tears with. And here I thought the story below was going to be the biggest of the week.

And with that tweet, Adam Schefter dropped the bomb. It’s a somewhat confusing move that will have big ramifications in the future, particularly next year. The San Francisco 49ers need a QB, as Brian Hoyer and C.J. Beathard clearly aren’t the answer. But, is the next Steve Young really an unproven backup who’s only started two games in four seasons? Sure, Jimmy Garoppolo looked good in those two starts (during Tom Brady’s suspension last season) before getting hurt. Is that worth trading a second rounder for and potentially gambling the future of your franchise on? I’m not sure, especially since Garoppolo is a free agent to be next year. Sure, the 49ers could just tag him, but it will cost $24M. That’s the kind of money I would rather throw at Kirk Cousins, a proven commodity and also a soon-to-be free agent. Meanwhile, in the interim, Kyle Shanahan says Garoppolo might not even play this year. I can’t tell if Shanahan is blowing smoke up everyone’s ass or if he’s really that dumb (this is the guy who forgot Devonta Freeman existed during the second half of Super Bowl LI). But if he’s telling the truth, San Francisco just gave up a good 2nd round pick for a guy who’s not the QB of the present and will cost a lot of money to make the QB of the future. All of this hoopla, and we don’t even know if the guy is legit!

As for the New England Patriots, they got a probable top five 2nd round pick to essentially swap backup QBs. But, is that really all they gave up? This move pretty much indicates that the Patriots think Tom Brady can play (and play well) until he’s like 45. Granted, Brady is the GOAT and hasn’t really slowed down at all. However, Father Time is undefeated. What if Brady’s fall comes sooner than expected? Hoyer has proven that he can’t lead a team anywhere close to the promised land. New England had a groomed heir-apparent ready to go, but they just sent him away. The Patriots will have to use a draft pick (maybe the 49ers’ 2nd) this offseason on a QB who might have to be the next starter, then spend whatever years Brady has getting him ready. Will that guy be better than what Garoppolo could do? Time will tell, but the Patriots are now one bad hit away from being in serious trouble.

Jimmy G’s move to the Bay Area wasn’t the only notable transaction during a surprisingly active trade deadline. Here are a few more:

My thoughts:

• Bills: Didn’t give up much and got another weapon to add to their already strong offense. Watch out, Patriots.
• Panthers: Very confusing to take away Cam Newton’s biggest (no pun intended) target. Cam can’t keep doing it all, especially with his terrible run of form this season.
• Dolphins: Why? Just… why?
• Eagles: They’re going all in, and why wouldn’t they? However, this does pose a potentially major threat to LeGarrette Blount’s touches, because not enough has gone wrong for me already this season.
• Seahawks: Addressed their biggest need, though after Jeremy Lane’s failed physical, they had to give up a bit more than they wanted to. Still worth it, though.
• Texans: The picks are a good haul, but don’t think that a promising rookie QB will hold up behind a compromised offensive line. Remember RG3, anyone?

However, there was one more big trade that was agreed upon, but didn’t happen.

The Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengals appeared set to make the rare inter-division trade, but due to some disputed things involving emails, it didn’t happen. I don’t know what’s more Browns, giving up a 2nd and 3rd round pick for Mr. Katherine Webb or fumbling the deal in the final minutes. It seems like I ask this every week, but what else can go wrong for the Browns?

Oh… although maybe Sam Darnold is saving Cleveland from making the mistake of drafting an overhyped USC QB, like some other teams have recently. Then again, the Browns might do it anyway, because Browns.

Speaking of denied deals…

This bullshit again… though it appears this could be the final move, barring a last-minute emergency motion from the NFLPA. If that gets denied, too, Ezekiel Elliott’s suspension will officially, finally start on Sunday. This couldn’t have happened two weeks ago? Of course not, because it wouldn’t have screwed me in any way.

As for the other NFL-related clusterfuck…

THIS WEEK IN NATIONAL ANTHEM CONTROVERSY:

• It’s revealed that, during the meeting between owners and players, Houston Texans owner Bob McNair likened the players wanting their say in the National Anthem rules to “inmates running the prison,” which might’ve been the worst possible analogy he could have used other than “drugged out wife-beating thugs running the plantation.”
• In response, most of the Texans players knelt down during the anthem before their game against the Seattle Seahawks. This would have been an even bigger story had it not been overshadowed by Texans-Seahawks being arguably the Game of the Year.
• John Schnatter, AKA Papa John, blames declining pizza sales not on his company’s shitty food and even shittier commercials, but rather on the NFL, specifically in relation to the protests. Allow me to say what everyone’s thinking: shut the fuck up, Papa John.

However, all of this pales in comparison to the more immediate issue involving a knee.

(WARNING: really gruesome injury below)

Zach Miller broke his leg Gordon Hayward style trying to make a TD catch. The injury was apparently so bad (dislocation and a severed artery) that surgeons had to work quickly to save his leg from being amputated. Holy shit. Hopefully he makes a speedy and full recovery, though this may end up being a career ender. To rub salt in the wound, the referees ruled that he did not make the catch, even though he clearly did. It’s November 2, 2017, and we have no idea what the hell a catch is.

However, we now finally have a decision on Andrew Luck’s future.

While Luck’s original injury unintentionally led to me winning the FOX40 Nightsiders league two years ago, if the Indianapolis Colts fuck up the future of the greatest QB prospect since Peyton Manning, I’ll never forgive them.

Meanwhile, it appears that Joe Flacco has been cleared to play this week, despite being concussed on this hard/late hit by Kiko Alonzo, who incredibly wasn’t suspended for his actions. Honestly, it’s one of those bang-bang plays that probably should’ve been avoided altogether had Flacco slid a bit earlier or Alonzo pulled up. Either way, that led to even more physicality through the rest of the game, which was ugly enough to begin with. Again, fuck Color Rush. Flacco had to be replaced by Ryan Mallett, who didn’t have an easy go of it, either. Thankfully for the Baltimore Ravens, Flacco is okay, because I can’t imagine a worse scenario than having to go with Mallet as your QB…

BROCK LOBSTA IN THE HOUSE! He’s getting a rough welcome back, with the Denver Broncos coming off back-to-back-to-back shitty performances and facing the best team in the league this week. Reminder: Cleveland is paying Brock Osweiler millions of dollars not to play for them.

Man, this has been a pretty rough week in an already rough season, even by Cleveland standards. There’s got to be some small shred of hope for them. Something to get their long-suffering fans excit… wait a minute. What’s that? It appears… there has been an awakening. Could it be? The Points King… the prophecy… he’s returned!

FLASH GORDON IS BACK, BABY! Josh Gordon has finally been reinstated by the NFL, one week after I shopped his face over Jack Skellington’s. The God of Fantasy Football is eligible to take the field as early as Week 13, so he probably won’t have much of an impact this year. That hasn’t stopped people’s minds from wandering towards dreams of that one last thing they need to make a run in the playoffs. So, let the Josh Gordon Sweepstakes begin! Who will win the battle for… oh, Taylor already picked him up. Heads up Jop, Gee and Dad may actually fight you for Gordon. It’s not like there might be another comeback by a fantasy legend…

… oh my god.

HIGHLIGHTS

ACTUAL FOOTBALL:

• Joe Flacco throws a great ball to Jeremy Maclin for the TD.
• C.J. Mosely snatches Matt Moore’s pass and takes it back 63 yards for the TD.
• Case Keenum throws a TD pass to Adam Thielen, who does a soccer-style slide to appease the London crowd.
• Kyle Rudolph makse a great toe tap catch in the back of the endzone.
• Jonathan Stewart leaps over the pile for the TD.
• Brandon Coleman makes a nice catch and tiptoes the sideline for a 54-yard gain.
• Alvin Kamara shakes off a would be horse collar tackle and scores.
• Carlos Dunlap tips, catches, and takes the pass back to the endzone.
• Joe Mixon nearly scores on a long screen pass.
• Mohamed Sanu makes a nice leaping TD catch.
• Melvin Gordon goes 87 yards for the score.
• Bullshit toe tap catch in the side of the endzone.
• Stupid bullshit fumble recovery for a TD.
• A whole drive of bullshit.
• Jalen Mills runs around like eight guys for the 37-yard pick six.
• George Kittle makes a sweet one-handed catch.
• Deshaun Watson opens the scoring with a 59-yard bomb to Will Fuller.
• Another long TD throw by Watson, but this time it counts for the other team.
• How the hell did DeAndre Hopkins catch this pass?
• Watson calls for a block, so Alfred Blue lays out Justin Coleman.
• Hopkins bobs and weaves for a 72-yard TD.
• Watson somehow escapes a sack and finds Lamar Miller for the TD.
• Russell Wilson finds Jimmy Graham in the endzone to win it with 21 seconds left.
• Orlando Scandrick returns a blocked kick 86 yards and nearly for a score.
• Byron Jones picks off Kirk Cousins and takes it to the house to seal the game.
• Juju Smith-Schuster goes 97 yards for the TD.
• Marcus Peters welcomes Jamaal Charles back to Kansas City by stripping the ball from him and taking it all the way to the endzone.
• Shaquil Barrett flies past Eric Fisher and gets a strip sack on Alex Smith.
• De’Anthony Thomas takes advantage of the muffed punt.

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• The Seattle Seahawks TEs have an… interesting practice.
• Sam Koch punts the ball directly into the kicking net.
• A cat runs onto the field near the end of the Dolphins-Ravens game. Tony Romo does color commentary on the cat’s form.
• A Baltimore Ravens cheerleader rocks a Pikachu onesie for Halloween.
• Jerick McKinnon puts the Minnesota Vikings in the driver’s seat.
• “He was holding the fuck out of me!”
• Graham Gano shows off his foot skills.
• Travis Benjamin with arguably the worst punt return in NFL history.
• Philip Rivers bats the ball out of his own hands.
• FOX randomly shows a clip from “This is the End” in the middle of the 49ers-Eagles game.
• Alshon Jeffery charges the mound after getting it by the pitch.
• LeVeon Bell gets a set in after scoring.
• JuJu Smith-Schuster locks up his stationary bike.
• Andy Reid somehow thinks running a trick play just a few yards out of the endzone, involving Tyreek Hill managing to throw a worse pass than Trevor Siemian, is a good idea. Spoiler: it wasn’t.
• A Kansas City Chiefs fan dresses up as Mr. McGibblets.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• This 46-yard field goal by South Alabama kicker Gavin Patteron only counted for three points, but it should’ve been worth like 10 at least. However, the luck later bounced away from the Jaguars when Georgia State scored on a play where their entire offensive line didn’t move.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Because we haven’t shat on the Cleveland Browns enough.

And now, a new segment catering to my love of history! Deal with it, nerds.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 2, 1994, the NFL’s two newest teams finally found a home. Commissioner Paul Tagliabue announces that the leagues two expansion franchises, the Jacksonville Jaguars and Carolina Panthers, will play in the AFC Central and NFC West divisions, respectively. The first thing some might think is “wait, the AFC what?” While I’m sure Dad and Brian can give a comprehensive history of the Central divisions (Dad still thinks they exist), for those who don’t know, the Centrals were in place before the NFL expanded to 32 teams, dividing the Centrals into the North and South divisions. In the AFC, the Jags and Houston Oilers went south, while the Pittsburgh Steelers, Cincinnati Bengals, and Baltimore Ravens stayed north. But for a few years, they were in the same division! If you think that’s weird, imagine the Panthers as a division rival of the San Francisco 49ers. Even more bizarre: when the Rams moved to St. Louis the same year Carolina joined, the 49ers were the only team in the division located west of the Mississippi River (the Atlanta Falcons and New Orleans Saints were also in there). Man, NFL divisions were fucking weird before reallignment.  

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1983 — President Ronald Reagan signs Martin Luther King Jr. Day into law as a federal holiday.
• 1920 — KDKA in Pittsburgh beings broadcasting as the the first commercial radio station in the U.S., relaying the results of the presidential election between Warren Harding and James Cox. 
• 1889 — North Dakota and South Dakota become the 39th and 40th states, respectively, in the union.
• 1795 — President James K. Polk is born.
• 1755 — Marie Antoinette is born.

Also… because this newsletter doesn’t have enough stupid segments…

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy National Men Make Dinner Day! This is apparently observed on the first Thursday of every November. If I just gave those of you lucky enough to have a lady friend in your life an idea to earn brownie points, you’re welcome.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Nick: $40

Tyler G: $40

Kyle: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Taylor: the number of rings Clayton Kershaw has

Chriss: the number of active MLB players shorter than Jose Altuve

Jimmy: the number of fans of Yulieski Gurriel that are Asian

Riez: the number of drivers who kept their sanity while stuck in LA traffic after Game 7

Richard: the number of people excited to hear Joe Buck call the World Series

But seriously, we’re halfway through the season. Pay your damn dues.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-3) VS. WRS-R-US (7-1)

Welp, Footballdamus’ luck may have just ran out. This week, they have to take down the first place WRs-R-Us, who’s scored by far the most points out of everyone. Kyle looks primed to get plenty of points from Marcus Mariota (back from a bye), Kareem Hunt, Alshon Jeffery, and A.J. Green. While Melvin Gordon will be sorely missed on his bye week, Kyle looks to have enough to put him over the edge, especially if Emmanuel Sanders returns from his injury. The only way Riez has a chance is if his squad scores in the triple digits, something they’ve only done once all season. Kyle could also get a poor performance from Mariota, who just happens to be going up against Riez’s Baltimore Ravens defense this week. Meanwhile, in an interesting decision, it appears Riez is starting Jared Goff over Matt Ryan. We’ll see if this switch can spark a scoring stretch. The aforementioned C.J. Anderson, Bilal Powell, Michael Thomas, and Mike Evans will all have to do much better this week. 

JOP SUEY!!! (3-5) VS. FRED SANDORD (DUMMY) (6-2)

The hottest team in the league looks to make it seven wins in a row this week. Fred Sanford (Dummy) feasts or famines depending on the Buffalo Bills, who face the New York Jets tonight. The Jets have been a surprising team, not by their record, but by their ability to make a game with whoever they play (including Buffalo in Week 1). That week was one of Brian’s two losses. Will lightning strike twice (uh… I mean… three times)? Dez Bryant and Chris Thompson will have to play better, while Devin Funchess will need to step up for the Carolina Panthers with Kelvin Benjamin no longer on the roster. As for Jop Suey!!!, Drew Brees appears set to light up a vulnerable Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense. However, both DeMarco Murray and Alfred Morris face tough rushing defenses, while Larry Fitzgerald now has Drew Stanton throwing to him. At least Taylor won’t have any regrets about leaving anyone on the bench. That’s because his starters are the only ones on his team that are neither on byes nor suspended.

GREATER FOOLS (5-3) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (4-4)

This could prove to be an important matchup come playoff time, with the loser being in low key trouble in the push for the postseason. While LeVeon Bell and Tarik Cohen are on byes, the Greater Fools don’t have to worry about replacements. Leonard Fournette and Aaron Jones are back this week and (fortunately for Dad) face opponents weak in their ability to stop the run. Meanwhile, Carson Wentz faces a defense that’s fallen out of grace even quicker than I have, while the Houston Texans defense faces an offense that even they should be able to perform well against. As for the Krispy Kritters, they will have to offset the loss of Ezekiel Elliott (maybe finally really) not just for this week, but through at least the first round of the playoffs. That is, if they can score enough points to get there. Kirk Cousins will have to play much better than he did last week, while Nelson Agholor and DeAndre Hopkins have to continue to play well. By the way, that declining defense Wentz is facing? That’s Richard’s Denver Broncos defense.

LORD SANDWICH (5-3) VS. WILD HOGS (3-5)

This matchup will either be great or terrible, with no in-between. Lord Sandwich had an uncharacteristic bout of scoring last week, but it remains to be seen whether or not they can do it again. Dak Prescott will have to play much better for Ewing to do so. Meanwhile, Alex Collins won’t be playing the Miami Dolphins this week, so he will probably face a much stiffer run defense. Ewing’s defense, the Atlanta Falcons, is going up against Wild Hogs’ Cam Newton. However, Jimmy has relegated Newton to the bench in favor of Matt Stafford, who may actually get to bad his stats in the first three quarters against an Aaron Rodgers-less Green Bay Packers. Antonio Brown is also out this week due to a bye, so Tyreek Hill and Christian McCaffrey will actually have to do something to help Jimmy out this week. Another loss will likely put Jimmy outside of the playoff bracket, putting him in position to miss the postseason for a second straight year, something that, historically, would be surprising.

49ERS (3-5) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (3-5)

Well, today has been a letdown for the 49ers, who now have Russell Wilson firmly slotted as their starting QB. I know Gee was doing his best Billy Beane impression to try and get some good value for Deshaun Watson. With his unfortunate injury, he has to actually roll with the guys he drafted. However, Wilson should do well, as he’s been tearing up the league lately, Plus, Todd Gurley returns from a bye and is in a good matchup of his own. If Julio Jones and Demaryius Thomas can add on solid games of their own, this one might be over quickly. C’s Champion Team won’t go down swinging, though. Alex Smith should put up some good numbers, Amari Cooper should have a bounce back game, and both Frank Gore and Lamar Miller should carve up each other’s defenses. However, what might prove to be good enough for a win in normal weeks for Chriss might not get it done against Gee and his high-powered offense this week.

BIRDS OF WAR (3-5) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (1-7)

I swear, if I fucking lose this game I will also lose my goddamn mind. Thanks to Chriss’ bullshit comeback last week, the Birds of War have lost five straight games. However, this week I’m playing Dixie Normous, the last place team in the league who hasn’t even reached 80 points once all season. Granted, I’ve talked shit about Nick’s team every single week and made the team that beat his favorite baseball team in the World Series the center of this week’s theme, so I have some bad karma in this matchup. But come on, look at our rosters. I have Tom Brady, who’s going up against… wait a minute. Brady’s on a bye this week? Shit. Well at least Nick’s QB won’t do that well. Wait… Derek Carr’s playing the Dolphins. He should go off. And Jay Ajayi is gonna take carries away from LaGarrette Blount? No… this can’t be. Oh god, the pieces are falling into place. There’s a bad vibe in the air. I’m going to lose this fucking game. No… no… NOOOO!!!!

ONE LAST THING

During last week’s research into Marshawin Lynch, I discovered something incredibly important: Beast Mode has his own show. Bleacher Report has made the fantastic decision of giving Lynch a platform to have fun, which is pretty much what No Script with Marshawn Lynch is. Each 15-minute episode is basically Lynch fucking around, which is hilarious. So far, he’s raced around a track, dubbed over Darth Vader, played an Impractical Jokers-style prank in his own restaurant, and gone skydiving. There will be eight episodes this season, with four already released. You can watch them all on the show’s Facebook page.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness