Ruben's Writings

Fantasy Football Newsletters, Soccer Rivalries, and Other Things

Week 10 Newsletter: Ragnaroking and Rolling

Two years ago, I watched 100 movies (that I had never seen before) in a year. That’s a new movie for about three/four days. While I loved it because it broadened my horizon and finally crossed off some must-see films from my list, the task also sort of burned me out when it came to movies. Since then, I’ve seen maybe five or six movies in a theater. Granted, some of that may have to do with me getting a full-time job and not having as much free time due to my late hours. However, the point still stands: with the exception of Deadpool and the recent Star Wars movies, I haven’t really been hyped for anything on the big screen.

That is, until I saw the trailer for this bad boy.

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I saw it in theaters this past weekend, and it lived up to the hype. The action was exciting, the visuals were stunning, and the story was pretty good as well. It’s also probably the funniest Marvel movie to date. I am a big fan of the director, Taika Waititi, ever since What We Do in the Shadows left me in stitches (it was one of the 100). If you haven’t seen it, or Thor: Ragnarok for that matter, go do so. 

Anyway, why not give the ol’ God of Thunder a crack at being the theme of the week?

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

WRS-R-US (8-1) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-4)

100.12 – 67.04

I’m not sure this is true (and I don’t feel like checking), but I’m fairly confident that this was the first matchup in Epic League history where both teams had WRs get ejected. Once A.J. Green and Mike Evans went apeshit (more on that later), both WRs-R-Us and Footballdamus were left without their top to WRs. Fortunately for Kyle, his team lived up to its name when T.Y. Hilton dropped 29 points and Alshon Jeffery added 20 more to more than make up for Evans’ departure. It also compensated for subpar days from Marlon Mack and Kareem Hunt (coming back down to Earth, maybe?). As for Riez, no one really filled the void. Jared Goff and Evan Engram did great with 28 and 13 points, respectively, but everyone else fell flat. C.J. Anderson only mustered up a single point, Paul Richardson only got three more, while the Baltimore Ravens had a surprisingly poor performance with just five points. It didn’t help that Riez left his K spot open for some reason. It’s not like he didn’t have one; Jake Elliott and his ten points were sitting on the bench. It wouldn’t have mattered in the end, but still! Remember to check your lineups, people! Anyway, in case you haven’t read up on what’s going on in Thor: Ragnarok, the new villain is Thor and Loki’s older sister: Hela (played by the smoking hot Cate Blanchett). She’s the Goddess of Death and basically wrecks shit throughout the movie. Kyle’s at the top of the standings and his team regularly wrecks shit, just like this week. That’s the analogy I’m trying to make. Shut up and enjoy the memes. 

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THE KRISPY KRITTERS (5-4) DEF. GREATER FOOLS (5-4)

79.98 – 75.06

This was a close one that came down to the Monday Night game, although some controversy surrounding RBs on both teams became the news of the day. For Greater Fools, Leonard Fournette was a late scratch, apparently benched for violating team rules. The decision left Dad without one of his star players, though he got the news in time to make a swap. Meanwhile, the Krispy Kritters learned late that Ezekiel Elliott’s suspension had been blocked AGAIN (more on that later), giving Richard one of his stars back. I guess Richard decided to even it up by leaving Robert Woods and his 19 points on the bench. While Richard had a somewhat solid day (only one player, Nelson Agholor, finished with less than six points) led by Elliott’s 15 points and DeAndre Hopkins’ 14 points, he was let down by Kirk Cousins, who finished with a measly eight points. That left the door open for Dad, whose own QB, Carson Wentz, added 24 points to go along with Doug Baldwin’s 16 points. However, apart from the Houston Texans defense’s 12 points, no other starter got more than six points. Still, the game was Dad’s to win going into Monday Night. Down by only a few points, Dad had both Davante Adams and Aaron Jones, with Richard only countering with Ameer Abdullah. However, the Green Bay Packers laid an egg, while Abdullah contributed nine points for Richard to hold on for the victory. It’s a second straight loss for Dad. The last time he suffered a loss this painful, it was at the hands of his own son. Dad didn’t like last week’s recap/picture, so I doubt he’s going to like this.

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FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (7-2) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (3-6)

89.90 – 82.32

As for the only other league member who’s fathered children (that we know of), Fred Sanford (Dummy) added on to their win streak, which sits at a league-high seven games. The latest came in a fairly close contest with Jop Suey!!! in which both teams essentially had the same problem: only two guys did anything of note. Brian was let down by a trio of his Buffalo Bills, with LeSean McCoy only putting up two points, Stephen Hauschka adding just three of his own, and the Bills defense contributing a big fat goose egg. Taylor also got a score of zero from one of his guys (Cameron Brate), while DeMarco Murray only put forth four points. Robby Anderson and Chris Ivory did put up ten points of their own for Taylor, while Travis Kelce helped Brian out with 13 points. Anyway, back the two guy thing. Taylor’s guys were Drew Brees (18 points) and Greg Zuerlein (17 points), while Brian’s guys were Tyrod Taylor (26 points) and Alvin Kamara (25 points). That’s essentially what this matchup came down to. Brian’s best guys delivered more points in the clutch. Granted, usual starter Rishard Matthews and his 13 points were left on Brian’s bench, but I don’t want to completely kill the narrative. Meanwhile, seeing as this week is Thor themed, I have an admission: I’ve never seen either Thor or Thor: The Dark World. Granted, I’ve heard those movies are not that good, but it still feels a bit hollow. I was familiar with this memorable quote from the first movie, though, and it works for the whole win streak thing. Plus, Brian will like it because it looks like he has hair.

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WILD HOGS (4-5) DEF. LORD SANDWICH (5-4)

105.84 – 90.76

However, the Ewing clan was split in celebration again, as Lord Sandwich suffered it second straight loss, this time at the hands of Wild Hogs, who really needed a big win. This was a matchup where nearly everyone on both rosters pulled their weight, with only two exceptions. Unfortunately for Ewing, those two exceptions were on his team. Zach Ertz was a last-minute scratch due to a hamstring injury (too last-minute for Ewing to swap him out), while his fellow Tyler (Lockett) only managed a single point. Those two left a hole where 15 points (the margin of Jimmy’s victory) usually go. As such, Ewing slipped again, despite monster games from Dak Prescott (26 points) and Marvin Jones (22 points). What made it even tougher for Ewing was all of Marvin Jones’ points came courtesy of Jimmy’s QB, Matt Stafford, who winished with 22 of his own. That, combined with great days from Christian McCaffrey (15 points), Tyreek Hill (13 points) and Carlos Hyde (12 points), plus solid efforts from Giorgio Tavecchio and the Los Angeles Rams defense (11 points each), was more than enough to give Jimmy his first win since Week 5 and bump him up into the final playoff spot (at least for now). Anyway, if you see the image below and wonder where the hell it’s from, know this: there are only five movies with Thor in them, and there are six recaps. So, I decided to use this short film that Marvel made about Thor living in Australia during the events of Captain America: Civil War. If you haven’t seen it yet, you really should. It’s quite a funny little clip.

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49ERS (4-5) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (3-6)

109.58 – 82.02

Any and all momentum C’s Champion Team had garnered from last week’s bullshit comeback win was quickly eradicated by the 49ers, who were dominant from start to finish in this one. Although Gee lost Deshaun Watson for the season (and, by extension, Will Fuller, who finished with a measly three points), he still had Russell Wilson up his sleeve. Wilson led the way with 25 points, followed by Todd Gurley and his 22 points. Gee backed that up with 14 points from Adrian Peterson, as well as 13 points from Demaryius Thomas and 11 points from both Julio Jones and the Seattle Seahawks defense (Gee, I think you may be a closet Seahawks fan with your love of Wilson and other Seattle players). As for Chriss, Alex Smith (19 points), the Arizona Cardinals defense (13 points), and Jared Cook (12 points) all had good games. However, that was pretty much it when it came to big contributions. In particular, Chriss’ WRs let him down big time. Amari Cooper was his best wideout with five points, while Kenny Stills and Jordan Matthews managed only two points each. One of these days, Chriss is going to finally figure out when to use Sammy Watkins properly, after his 12 points were left on the bench again. It wouldn’t have mattered in the end, but still! I don’t know if last week made Chriss confident in his postseason chances, but this week might’ve delivered a sobering reality check. By the way, this image has to be by far my most elaborate work all season, and it was for a 27-point win that was never in doubt. I really need to get a life.

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DIXIE NORMOUS (2-7) DEF. BIRDS OF WAR (3-6)

88.90 – 80.42

Well… shit. After constantly ragging on Dixie Normous all season for their terribleness (even when they won), they made me eat a huge helping of crow by handing Birds of War their sixth straight loss. I called this karma-based payback last week, and I knew it would come to fruition on Thursday, when Matt Forte (who hadn’t topped nine points all year) put up 21 points for Nick. I also foresaw this unfortunate event when I realized Tom Brady was on a bye week, forcing me to pick up Jacoby Brissett. To be fair, Brissett contributed a solid 19 points, five more than Derek Carr gave Nick. However, that was negated when Nick’s RB, Jay Ajayi, was traded to the Philadelphia Eagles and essentially took a TD and several carries away from my RB, LeGarrette Blount. The New Orleans Saints defense gave me a nice 18 points. However, no one else stepped up for me at all. Michael Crabtree managed only four points, while Jason Witten might’ve been better off not dressing for the game, useless as he was. The end game on Monday Night, when Golden Tate completed the everything-going-against-me combination by catching a ball and tapping his toes on the sidelines. I don’t think I would’ve won had it been changed, but it seemed like quite a close play. Tate might’ve have been out of bounds, but there was no challenge and no clear replay of what happened. Whatever. I’m not bitter or anything. By the way, if you’re wondering how I could go an entire Thor-themed newsletter without mentioning the best character in the franchise, Loki, here you go.

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STANDINGS

THE STANDINGS THAT MATTER:

  1. WRs-R-Us (8-1) *
  2. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (7-2)
  3. Greater Fools (5-4)
  4. The Krispy Kritters (5-4)
  5. Lord Sandwich (5-4)
  6. Footballdamus (5-4)
  7. 49ers (4-5)
  8. Wild Hogs (4-5)
  9. Jop Suey!!! (3-6)
  10. Birds of War (3-6)
  11. C’s Champion Team (3-6)
  12. Dixie Normous (2-7)

* = clinched a playoff spot. Yes, we still have four weeks to go and Kyle has already clinched a berth. This is bullshit.SCORER STANDINGS:

  1. WRs-R-Us (7-2)
  2. 49ers (7-2)
  3. The Krispy Kritters (6-3)
  4. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (6-3)
  5. Wild Hogs (6-3)
  6. Greater Fools (5-4)
  7. Lord Sandwich (4-5)
  8. Birds of War (4-5)
  9. C’s Champion Team (4-5)
  10. Jop Suey!!! (3-6)
  11. Footballdamus (1-8)
  12. Dixie Normous (1-8)

COMBINED STANDINGS:

  1. WRs-R-Us (15-3)
  2. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (13-5)
  3. 49ers (11-7)
  4. The Krispy Kritters (11-7)
  5. Greater Fools (10-8)
  6. Wild Hogs (10-8)
  7. Lord Sandwich (9-9)
  8. Birds of War (7-11)
  9. C’s Champion Team (7-11)
  10. Jop Suey!!! (6-12)
  11. Footballdamus (6-12)
  12. Dixie Normous (2-16)

POINTS LEADERBOARD:

  1. WRs-R-Us (936.54)
  2. 49ers (880.36)
  3. Greater Fools (846.04)
  4. The Krispy Kritters (826.80)
  5. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (816.66)
  6. Wild Hogs (785.88)
  7. Jop Suey!!! (760.52)
  8. Lord Sandwich (731.78)
  9. Birds of War (727.26)
  10. C’s Champion Team (701.38)
  11. Footballdamus (622.60)
  12. Dixie Normous (571.92)

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

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ALL HAIL TO THE MOTHERFUCKING GOAT!!! Georges St. Pierre became just the fourth fighter in UFC history to win titles in two different weight classes by choking Michael Bisping unconscious in the 3rd round of their middleweight title fight. GSP did so in his return to the sport after a four-year layoff, adding another amazing accomplishment to an already legendary career. It’s unclear who St. Pierre will fight next, but for now, let’s bask in the glow of what the best MMA fighter ever did this past weekend (suck it, Ewing).

It appears that a few NFL players are also big GSP fans, judging by how they paid tribute to him on the field.

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Behold, the NFL’s new theme song!

So, football gave way to fighting a few times over the weekend. The two most notable examples involved a pair of star WRs. First, a fiesty war of words boiled over when Jalen Ramsey shoved A.J. Green after a play. Green flipped his absolute shit and put Ramsey a choke hold, then took him down and punched him in the head (punching another man when his helmet is on is one of the stupidest things you can do, honestly). The incident, of course, brought up memories of the time Andre Johnson beat the shit out of Cortland Finnegan. Apparently, Ramsey had been telling Green he was soft, which… I mean if Green gets freaked out over basic trash talk, maybe he is. It’s like when LeBron James flipped out because Draymond Green called him a bitch. That’s nothing!

The other took place thanks to a little poke from the crab man (no, not this guy). Jameis Winston, for reasons that probably include just trying to start shit, prodded Marshon Lattimore’s head. Lattimore got pissed and pushed Winston. Mike Evans, apparently just trying to stick up for his teammate, ran over and cross-checked Lattimore to the turf. I get the whole protecting your QB thing, but perhaps that response was a tad over the top. Maybe Evans was still confused over Winston’s bizarre pregame speech. Seriously, if you haven’t seen this or figured out where the phrase “Eat a W” just came from, watch the video. It’s fucking weird.

You know what’s crazier? Evans, who blindsided an opponent, wasn’t ejected, while Ramsey (who did nothing but get attacked) and Green were. You know what’s stranger still? Green (who choke slammed and punched a guy) and Ramsey won’t be suspended, while Evans will. I know the NFL referees and disciplinary office aren’t exactly known for making correct calls, but come on. GSP has a message for the NFL.

In addition, the San Francisco 49ers and Arizona Cardinals put on the gloves when Antoine Bethea delivered a big hit to C.J. Beathard, who slid late. After several minutes of the fracas, three players were ejected (though none have been suspended). The frustrations of a poor season finally boiled over. For the 49ers and Cardinals, the season is essentially over. Neither can realistically catch the Seattle Seahawks, while no one can seem to catch the Los Angeles Rams.

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I can’t decide whether Sean McVay is that good of a coach, or Jeff Fisher is that terrible. Either way, the Rams offense is on fire. Jared Goff seems to be a sure lock for Most Improved Player, Todd Gurley is killing people on the ground, and Los Angeles looks primed to take the NFC West. The latest display of firepower came in an utter asswhooping of the New York Giants, although it may have had a lot to do with how terrible the Giants’ own head coach is.

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No shit, that’s actually what he said. Ben McAdoo has apparently lost the locker room, debated benching Eli Manning, considered tanking for Sam Darnold, and been set to be put out to pasture. It will be a testament to the 49ers’ awfulness when they lose to the Giants at home this week.

Meanwhile, there was another beat down involving a team from the NFC East. In this case, they were on the winning front.

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That’s got to be the best first world problem ever. The Philadelphia Eagles curbstomped the Denver Broncos in another impressive display of power. The Eagles are clearly the NFL’s best team at this point. In fact, the other times they’ve been 8-1, they made the NFC Championship Game (and twice the Super Bowl). With Philadelphia emerging as the one potential great team this season, does the road to Super Bowl LII go through the City of Brotherly Love? It appears so.

Staying in the NFC East, the Dallas Cowboys will once again wait to hear the future of Ezekiel Elliot’s suspension, which was pushed back AGAIN last week. The NFL has apparently picked this hill as the one to die on, as the league is pushing for a ruling in their favor. This whole thing is stupid and really needs to end, one way or another (I’m sure Richard will agree, unless it ends against Elliott)… wait a minute…

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So… suspension BACK on! For now. For fuck’s sake, this has to end. Somehow. Please.

But, the league’s biggest Cowboys-related problem may be coming from higher places.

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First, Eric Edholm, how dare you compare that cradle-robbing lizard to the OG himself. Second, holy shit! Jerruh has apparently hired David Boies, who’s best known for representing Vice President Al Gore during the 2000 election and defending Harvey Weinstein during this ongoing sexual assault scandal. Apparently, Jones was cool with Deflategate and moving three different teams and concussions and marijuana and domestic violence, but as long as it doesn’t involve his RB! Then, he’ll cut you. 

Anyway, speaking of legal news…

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Here’s the evidence I’d put forth against the Houston Texans if I were on Colin Kaepernick’s legal team: despite him being perfect for their system, the Texans just signed Josh Johnson, who is one year older than Kaepernick and hasn’t thrown a pass since 2011. I mean, I get that there’s a ton of baggage with Kaepernick, but come on, man. As for the Green Bay Packers, I don’t think Jesus could lead them to victory without Aaron Rodgers, especially in light of recent news.

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The second development is… surprising to say the least. Apparently Martellus Bennett failed to disclose a medical condition, leading to his dismissal. It isn’t a Bennett story if it doesn’t include a bit of weirdness. The first is yet another piece of shitty news for the Packers, who might as well shut Rodgers down for the year at his point, especially with this bit of news from a division rival:

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Oh boy, Teddy Bridgewater rejoining a Minnesota Vikings squad already grabbing the NFC North by the throat? This is gonna be good! Speaking of something that looks like it’s going to be amazing…

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You can watch the trailer here. By the way, we’re still waiting for Down in the Valley, ESPN!

HIGHLIGHTS

ACTUAL FOOTBALL:

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

  • RIP Big Ten. Unless No. 8 Wisconsin wins out and claims the conference championship, the Big Ten will not be represented in the CFB playoff for the first time ever. That’s because the conference’s two top teams both suffered their second loss this past weekend. No. 7 Penn State lost a heartbreaker to No. 24 Michigan State on a last second field goal. But, the biggest and most surprising upset of the season took place in Iowa, where the unranked Hawkeyes smacked No. 6 Ohio State 55-24. The key moment of the game came in a two-play span late in the 3rd quarter, with Iowa up 31-17. On a 4th down just outside the 20-yard line, the Hawkeyes ran a bizarre-looking fake field goal that saw the C, Tyler Kluver, snap the ball, snag the pass, and get to just two yards outside the endzone (the play is legal because the snapper, being one of the two outside-most players on the line of scrimmage, was technically eligible to catch a pass). On the next play, Nathan Stanley hit T.J. Hockenson (boy, these are some Iowa names) for the TD, despite having a Buckeye defender literally clinging onto his leg. The score made it 38-17 and basically put the game away for the Hawkeyes, who now face their rivals, the undefeated Badgers. Can they complete the conference kill? I’m not sure, but I have to post this video now, because it’s Wisconsin-Iowa week.

STAT OF THE WEEK

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That’s seven teams (St. Louis Rams, Cincinnati Bengals, Buffalo Bills, Tennessee Titans, Houston Texans, New York Jets, Tampa Bay Buccaneers) in 13 seasons for Ryan Fitzpatrick and eight teams (Arizona Cardinals, Detroit Lions, Oakland Raiders, Carolina Panthers, Chicago Bears, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Cleveland Browns, New York Jets) in 16 seasons for Josh McCown. The total doesn’t include the two teams (Miami Dolphins and San Francisco 49ers) McCown only spent time with during the offseason/preseason, or his stint with the Hartford Colonials of the UFL. The two have quite similar stats, with McCown having a slight edge in completion percentage, TD/interception ratio, and passer rating. However, despite McCown playing three more seasons, Fitzpatrick has thrown nearly 1,600 more passes, enough for 10,000 more yards, 900 more completions, 80 more TDs, and 60 more interceptions. That’s because, while McCown has been primarily a backup, while Fitzpatrick has started for every team he’s been with, even if he was brought in to be a backup. How does this keep happening? It’s like a curse or something.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

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(sorry, Ewing)

On November 9, 1997, the one NFL’s most bitter and bruising rivalries saw its biggest beat down of all time. In 1997, the Baltimore Ravens were still in their infancy, trudging along with a 4-6 record in only their second season. The 7-3 Pittsburgh Steelers, meanwhile, were one of the NFL’s best teams (they would narrowly lose to the eventual Super Bowl champion Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship Game). The two had met earlier in the year, with Pittsburgh winning a close 42-34 game in Baltimore. Many thought the rematch would be close as well. It wasn’t. This was mostly because the Ravens turned the ball over on their first four possessions. Vinny Testaverde threw three straight interceptions in the first quarter and was promptly benched for Eric Zeier, whose first pass was picked off by Carnell Lake (his second takeaway of the game). It didn’t get better for Zeier, who fumbled two more times in the second quarter, both recovered by the Steelers. In fact, Zeier was so terrible, the Ravens put Testaverde back in the game. However, he couldn’t do anything against the Pittsburgh defense and was pulled again late in the 4th quarter. Another turnover (the seventh for Baltimore) cemented the 37-0 Pittsburgh win, the Steelers’ only shutout win over the Ravens (so far) and one of only three shutouts ever recorded in the rivalry. 20 years later, the 37-point margin of victory still stands as the largest of any game between the two teams. With the way both teams are headed, it’s tough to see the Ravens topping that mark.  

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

  • 1989 — The Fall of the Berlin Wall takes place.
  • 1967 — The first issue of Rolling Stone Magazine is published.
  • 1951 — Lou Ferrigno is born.
  • 1934 — Carl Sagan is born.
  • 1906 — President Theodore Roosevelt becomes the first sitting president to make an official trip outside the U.S., checking out the progress on the Panama Canal.
  • 1861 — The first ever documented football game is played in Canada.
  • 1620 — Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower spot land at Cape Cod.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

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Happy Go to an Art Museum Today Day! Celebrate by… well… going to an art museum, I guess.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Nick: $40

Tyler G: $40

Kyle: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Taylor: NEI

Chriss: INGENTING

Jimmy: NULL

Riez: TØMME

Richard: TOMROM

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

LORD SANDWICH (5-4) VS. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (7-2)

This week’s only matchup of teams with winning records also doubles as the second Father/Son Bowl of the season. With a win over Fred Sanford (Dummy), Lord Sandwich would clinch the season victory for the younger generation, after Birds of War’s dominating triumph over Greater Fools. However, it will be easier said than done for Ewing. Brian has the league’s longest winning streak, in part due to his Buffalo Bills going on a scoring tear. However, the Wagon Circlers will face the surprisingly tough New Orleans Saints this week, which could leave the rest of the roster to do the heavy lifting. All Brian has to do is look to the other team, as Alvin Kamara has been killing it so far this season. A strong performance would be doubly bad for Ewing, as it would take away from Mark Ingram. With Alex Collins and Zach Ertz on byes (and no strong bench players to go to) Ewing will have to hope guys like Marvin Jones and Dak Prescott have great games. But, the latter is a double-edged sword; Prescott plays Ewing’s defense, the Atlanta Falcons, this week.

WILD HOGS (4-5) VS. WRS-R-US (8-1)

Fresh off a much-needed win, Wild Hogs has no time to rest, as they face the top-ranked WRs-R-Us this week. Anyone who faces Kyle needs to bring his A-game to have chance at winning. Indeed, it looks like Jimmy may do just that. Matt Stafford, Antonio Brown, Christian McCaffrey, Carlos Hyde, Cooper Kupp, and the Los Angeles Rams defense all have great matchups this week. However, you need a truly team effort against Kyle, so DeVante Parker and Vernon Davis will have to step up as well. But, the top dog may have a few holes in his roster himself, with Marlon Mack and Jack Doyle in bad matchups and Emmanuel Sanders having essentially having a D-III QB throwing to him. Still, Melvin Gordon and the Jacksonville Jaguars defense should bring in some big points. Kyle will need T.Y. Hilton, Marcus Mariota, and the somehow not suspended A.J. Green to keep killing it in order for him to maintain his stranglehold on the league. This one could be a shootout.

JOP SUEY!!! (3-6) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (5-4)

The Krispy Kritters got a big win last week to get back to the top half of the standings, while Jop Suey!!! needs a big win this week to fight their way back into the playoff race. The key matchup, as seems to be the case more and more, will take place off the field: the NFL’s lawyers vs. Ezekiel Elliott’s lawyers. The latest news is not good for Richard, with it likely that any resolution will happen no earlier than six weeks from now, meaning Elliott will (as of now) have to serve his suspension. Richard had hoped Elliott would boost his offense, with Nelson Agholor on a bye, DeAndre Hopkins no longer having Deshaun Watson throwing to him, and Kirk Cousins (against Taylor’s defense) and the Denver Broncos defense in bad matchups this week. Taylor needs to take advantage with stellar play from Drew Brees, Larry Fitzgerald, and DeMarco Murray. However, Brees isn’t playing in the Dome this week; he’s in Buffalo in the middle of November. Meanwhile, Fitzgerald and Murray have tough matchups of their own. Taylor needs some good JuJu (Smith-Schuster) this week.

BIRDS OF WAR (3-6) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-4)

Remember when I said I was in a three-game stretch where I needed wins to have a good shot at the playoffs? Well, Birds of War just lost against the two worst teams in the league. So, considering I have to play the three highest-scoring teams in the league in my last three games, this week against Footballdamus is essentially a must-win for me. I haven’t topped 90 points during my six-game slide, and I’m not exactly optimistic about my chances to break that mark this week, with LeGarrette Blount and Michael Crabtree on byes. However, I do get Tom Brady back. Plus, I’m facing Riez, who’s squad isn’t exactly high-scoring themselves, with the second fewest points in the league. It doesn’t seem like Riez will be adding a lot of points to his total, with Mike Evans suspended and the Baltimore Ravens defense on a bye. Still, Riez has Jared Goff in a great matchup. Plus, I refuse to be any kind of hopeful until I’m winning with 0:00 left in the Monday Night game, which I’m less and less sure about happening again with each passing week.

GREATER FOOLS (5-4) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (3-6)

Following his humiliating loss to his son, Dad went on a tear, climbing all the way to second place. However, Greater Fools has since dropped two straight and could find themselves in real trouble should a third consecutive loss follow. The big weakness this week is at QB. Carson Wentz is on a bye and Mr. Eat a W is injured, meaning Dad might be forced to go with the only QB left on his roster: Eli Manning. Yikes. Fortunately, the rest of the starters might be up to snuff. Leonard Fournette’s absence screwed Dad last week, but his week will likely go much better. LeVeon Bell should also do well and DeSean Jackson will see a big increase in targets with Mike Evans out. Dad is also playing C’s Champion team, who has some pretty big names on a bye this week. Chriss will not have Alex Smith or Amari Cooper to help him out, while Frank Gore and Lamar Miller could be in for rough days. Chris will have to hope Sammy Watkins and the Arizona Cardinals defense ball out in unexpected fashion.

49ERS (4-5) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (2-7)

Dixie Normous got some sweet revenge last week, but it seems the familiar bitter taste of defeat will be back in their mouths this week. While Ben Roethlisberger, Golden Tate, Matt Forte, and the Detroit Lions defense all have solid matchups this week, other subpar starters (Terrelle Pryor and Isaiah Crowell) don’t appear ready to break out of their slumps. In addition, Martellus Bennett is out of a job. Plus, Nick is going up against one of the highest scoring teams in the league, which seems set for another big week. Russell Wilson, Julio Jones, Todd Gurley, and the Seattle Seahawks defense look primed to score in bunches again for the 49ers, while Gronk and Jerick McKinnon could also make solid contributions. In fact, Gee is currently projected to score 20 points more than any other team in the league. Although he had been snakebitten earlier in the year, it seems Gee’s Revenge Tour is in full swing. I feel sorry for anyone who still has to play Gee later this season. Wait… (looks at schedule)… shit.

ONE LAST THING

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Group texts can be super convenient. Instead of having to individually message all of your friends, keep a tough track of what you’re typing and who you’re sending it to, and play the middle man between two or more of them when something gets lost in translation, everyone can see what everyone is saying and respond to everyone. Plus, it’s all in one thread. Yay, the future is awesome! 

However, group texts can also be incredibly annoying, as I got a big reminder of this past weekend. One of the groups I’m in includes a few other Epic League members (who happen to be fellow Oakland Raiders fans). It’s generally a fun group to be in, although sometimes everyone decides to have a big conversation while I’m producing and can’t check my phone, then bitch about me not responding. Something we like to do is text each other a variation of:

“RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!” 

whenever the Raiders win. Seeing as winning has been surprisingly uncommon this season compared to last year, we take great joy whenever the Raiders come out on top. That joy was compounded on Sunday night when the Raiders beat the Miami Dolphins, because one person in our group (who was also a part of the Epic League until this year) is a huge Dolphins fan. Not only that, but whenever the Raiders lose or one of our players gets injured, this guy makes fun of it. It really pisses me off. So, once the clock hit 0:00, I decided to get the ball rolling. I sent my Raiders chant with a “FUCK THE DOLPHINS!” as a preface. A couple minutes later, one of the other Raiders fans responded in kind. “Nice, this is going to be a satisfying round of shit talking,” I thought. 

I had no idea what I had just unleashed.

My roommate and I had plans to go see Thor: Ragnarok about a half hour after the game ended. As I drove back to my apartment to pick him up, I felt my phone buzz a few times. “More shit talking responses. Nice.” I made it back and he got in the car and we began our trip to Natomas, which takes about 10-15 minutes (traffic permitting). As we got on the freeway and headed towards the theater, my phone buzzed a few more times. “Man, you must be popular,” my roommate remarked. I laughed and explained the group chat situation. He laughed and we continued our drive. As we passed through Downtown **buzz**buzz**buzz*** over the American River **buzz**buzz**buzz** and from I-5 **buzz**buzz** to I-80 **buzz**buzz** my roommate’s facial expression turned from amused to surprised to slightly concerned. “Damn,” he exclaimed, “your friends like to text a lot.” We finally got off the freeway **buzz**buzz** and into the plaza **buzz**buzz**buzz** where I parked. As I got five more buzzes during our walk from my car to the ticket window, my roommate’s look became one of genuine bewilderment and curiosity as to what the hell was going on inside my phone. 

Seeing as there were a few people ahead of us in line, I decided to see for myself. What I found were 25 texts awaiting my reading. 25! From the first buzz to the most recent, a little more than 15 minutes had elapsed. That’s more than a text and a half per minute! Even more stunning than the volume of texts was their content. The simple shit talking I had expected had turned into a war of words once the Dolphins fan claimed that, because his team sucks, the Raiders hadn’t accomplished much by beating them in a close game. The Raiders fans thought that logic was perplexing and insisted the Dolphins fan had no reason to talk, because his team lost. The Dolphins fan countered by pointing out his team’s superior record. The Raiders fans said that fact didn’t matter, because their team won.

Not wanting to be bothered by this shit anymore, I turned my phone on silent and walked inside the theater to watch my movie.

About two and a half hours later, the credits started to roll. Because this is a Marvel movie, my roommate and I knew there would be an extra scene. But, we wondered if there might be another (spoiler alert: there is both a mid-credits scene and a post-credits scene). I pulled out my phone to look up the answer, but was immediately sidetracked upon seeing this:

(note: not my actual phone)

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HOLY SHIT! 76 unread texts! 76!!!! My phone was at just under 80% charge going into the theater. After sitting in my pocket, it was at 41% when I walked out, solely because of the scores of texts I kept getting. If you add up the number of texts since I sent out the opening salvo, the total comes to triple digits. TRIPLE DIGITS!!! Did my text turn these guys into teenage girls? Are these my friends or a psycho ex-girlfriend? 

Well, if you judge based on the content of the messages, you’ll side with the latter. The shit talking had devolved into a pissing contest worthy of a 4chan thread, essentially composed of the same three or four arguments being made over and over and over and over again, with extra venom thrown in each progressing time. There was an attempt at a “it’s just a prank, bro” explanation. One guy texted eight times in a row. There were horses and a man on fire and Brick killed a guy with a trident. At one point, another group chat member (neither a Raiders nor Dolphins fan) discovered the cesspool and promptly expressed his utter confusion as to what was unfolding. The whole thing was so shocking, I ended up getting a triple-triple at In-N-Out afterwards instead of my usual double-double in order to calm myself down.

Of course, there was no lingering bad blood. We all went back to shooting the shit about sports and sending each other memes and stuff, like normal people do. But, I now know the horror that can be unleashed with just a simple digital sentence. Be careful about cyberbullying, kids! 

Also, my roommate thinks you’re all insane.

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Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness

rubenredsox

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