Ruben's Writings

I  hate it when people completely skip Thanksgiving and go straight to celebrating Christmas (looking at you, Starbucks/department stores/90% of my coworkers). However, I’ve got to mention the Most Wonderful Time of the Year because it will mark another year that Ewing will not get me a present.

Believe it or not, I don’t have a problem with this. He lives in SoCal and we barely see each other. I just like giving Ewing shit. But, I still make sure to get him a little something just because. It could be something genuinely sentimental. It could be a bag of gummy dicks (which has happened before). It could be a hand-made reproduction of “Bold and Brash” because I wanted to get back into painting and thought I could kill two birds with one stone.

However, one of the few times he actually did get me something (granted, at my request), it was this:

We had just seen Ted and were unnecessarily hyped about Flash Gordon. We happened to see the vinyl soundtrack at Dimple Records. I did this enough to annoy Ewing into dropping $5 for it. 

The record just sort of sat around my room until I moved out. When I finally assembled my record player, that was naturally the first thing I put on it. But, that was sort of a one-time thing and I mostly used my record player to listen to the radio.

That is, until recently.

I happened to get a text from Ewing himself proudly displaying his newest vinyl: the soundtrack to Whiplash. It being the soundtrack to a movie about good jazz, it seemed badass, a fact Ewing quickly confirmed. We texted more about records and I began to think seriously about vinyl for the first time. So, ever since then, I’ve been channeling my inner hipster and seeing what the shops around town had to offer. Now, unless you find a bargain, records are sort of expensive, so I haven’t assembled vast stacks of the things just yet. This is what I’ve added to my mix so far:

This collection may seem a bit… scattered, but I think it’s a solid start. These records are full of songs for both easy listening while I’m kicking back in my apartment and setting the mood should the apocalypse ever take place and I bring a girl home.

Anyway, vinyl records. That’s the theme of the week. Deal with it.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

WILD HOGS (5-5) DEF. WRS-R-US (8-2)

97.66 – 78.06

Down goes Kyle! Down goes Kyle! The first place WRs-R-Us suffered just their second loss of the season in a surprising upset Wild Hogs. Here’s the surprising thing: it wasn’t particularly close. Sure, Kyle was ahead by four points going into the Monday Night game. But, Jimmy still had Christian McCaffrey and DeVante Parker left in the chamber, while Kyle was out of bullets. That lead might’ve had been much larger had a pair of Indianapolis Colts (T.Y. Hilton and Jack Doyle) not fired blanks and combined for just three points. Poor days from Melvin Gordon (four points) and the Jacksonville Jaguars defense (five points) also contributed to Kyle lacking his normal firepower, despite A.J. Green (17 points) and Emmanuel Sanders (13 points) shooting up defenses this past week. Meanwhile, Jimmy’s cache was fully loaded. Matt Stafford lit it up for 22 points, Christian McCaffrey fired off 17 points, and the Los Angeles Rams defense emptied a 15-point clip of their own. In fact, if you compare arms, seven of Jimmy’s nine starters outscored their counterparts on Kyle’s team. In fact, Jimmy was only outgunned in only one position group (WR) against the first place team. Holy shit, that’s a lot of gun metaphors. Anyway, this was Kyle’s second-lowest scoring week all season, and only the third time all year that he has failed to top triple digits. It’s probably just a fluke thing, though. Kyle will likely be back in form next week, to the horror of whoever poor sap is lined up to face him. Wait a minute… (checks schedule)… fuck.  

LORD SANDWICH (6-4) DEF. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (7-3)

81.44 – 75.74

With the only team in front of them falling, Fred Sanford (Dummy) had a great chance to make up some ground this past week. However, Brian couldn’t get it done, and it was his own flesh and blood that prevented him from doing so. Lord Sandwich rebounded from back-to-back defeats to top his old man and claim the Father/Son Series for the younger generation (following my own dominating win over Dad earlier in the year). Ewing got the W despite not having an active TE in his lineup (the surprising sit out by Zach Ertz was too late notice for him to make a change). As always, any matchup involving Brian comes down to how well the Buffalo Bills perform. This past week, they… well… didn’t do so well against the New Orleans Saints. Tyrod Taylor had a measly three points, while LeSean McCoy only had six and Kelvin Benjamin had just four. The poor showing was doubly damaging to Brian, because the Saints’ main weapon of doom (Mark Ingram) also put up 31 points for Ewing. Sure, Brian also got 19 from Alvin Kamara. But, the difference helped make up for the lack of a TE. The Atlanta Falcons defense also put up 16 points of their own, and Jonathan Stewart’s 11 points were enough to stop a late Monday Night charge from Brian and Devin Funchess’ 21 points. Honestly though, this should’ve been a cake walk for Brian. Ewing had no TE and got less than three points from each of Marvin Jones, Tyler Lockett, and Ted Ginn. In the end, as always, you can trace the roots of Brian’s disappointment straight to the Bills.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (6-4) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (3-7)

130.98 – 94.96

And then there’s the Krispy Kritters, who went straight up gangbusters on Jop Suey!!!. Richard clearly had the performance of the week, scoring 130 points, 33 more than anyone else in the league and the second most anyone has scored all season. In fact, the 33-point gap is nearly as great as that between the second-highest score (97 points) and the second-lowest (62 points). So, how did Richard dominate the day? Well, look to the top. Kirk Cousins raged against one of the best defenses in the NFL (which just happened to be Taylor’s Minnesota Vikings defense) to get 28 points, while Robert Woods followed up a season-high 19 points last week with a whopping 29-point performance this week. But, don’t think Richard was simply top heavy. Out of all his starters, only one (Danny Amendola) scored less than six points, while just two tallied single digits. Tevin Coleman, Ameer Abdullah, DeAndre Hopkins, Will Lutz, and the New England Patriots defense all had good days to pile on the points for Richard. However, it’s not like Taylor did anything wrong this past week. He had the third-highest score out of anyone this week. DeMarco Murray went off for 25 points, while JuJu Smith-Schuster, Robby Anderson, and Greg Zuerlein all had great days themselves. However, Taylor was hurt by Devonta Freeman’s concussion, while not only robbed him of one of his top players, but allowed Coleman to have a big day for Richard. This week was some all around shitty luck for Taylor, but great fortune for Richard.

DIXIE NORMOUS (3-7) DEF. 49ERS (4-6)

79.94 – 79.42

“I didn’t hear no bell!” — R̶o̶c̶k̶y̶ ̶B̶a̶l̶b̶o̶a̶  R̶a̶n̶d̶y̶ ̶M̶a̶r̶s̶h̶  Nick Perez. Left for dead with just one win on the season, Dixie Normous is now on a WINNING STREAK after a narrow victory over the 49ers. This upset, by definition, is shocking. However, the level of shocking is kind of incredible. Nick, who’s scored by far the least points out of anyone in the league this year, just beat the second-highest scoring team in the league. Nick did so despite THREE players (Terrelle Pryor, Matt Forte, Tyler Kroft) putting up goose eggs and his usual starting TE (Martellus Bennett) getting cut/being a bitch/signing with New England again. Honestly, it’s a testament to how well Ben Roethlisberger (18 points), Golden Tate (15 points), Isaiah Crowell (15 points), and the Detroit Lions Defense (14 points) did that Nick even managed to put up 79 points. As for Gee, this was a great chance to pick up a much-needed win. Russell Wilson finished with a solid 19-point outing. Todd Gurley had a nice 13-point game of his own. However, that was kind of it. Three of Gee’s big weapons (Julio Jones, Adrian Peterson, Jerick McKinnon) each tallied fewer than five points. Gee still had a shot to win it in the Sunday Night game, but Gronk and Demaryius Thomas fell just short, while Brandon McManus did just enough for Nick to secure the upset by half a point. HALF A POINT! I know this may seem like crazy talk, but Nick has won two straight games and is only one game back of the last playoff spot with three weeks to go. Stranger things have happened…

BIRDS OF WAR (4-6) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-5)

93.54 – 62.20

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I WON A FANTASY FOOTBALL GAME! Six-game losing streak: SNAPPED! Thank fuck, because if I had lost this one, I probably would’ve thrown in the towel on the season. Sure, Footballdamus had Jared Goff go off for 26 points and Michael Thomas finish with 11 of his own. But, that was pretty much it. C.J. Anderson, Bilal Powell, Paul Richardson, and Jermaine Kearse all had disappointing days, finishing with no more than five points each. Riez got nothing from his K or defense, particularly because he left his K spot empty and started the Baltimore Ravens defense (on a bye). I mean, if I hadn’t won this game, that would’ve been pretty pathetic. But, you know what? I finished in the top third in scoring this week! The Birds of War didn’t just fall backwards into a win; they earned this! Tom Brady was vintage with a 22-point performance, while Ty Montgomery (finally), Jarvis Landry, Joe Mixon, and Matt Bryant all had solid games to provide plenty of support. Only one of my starters (Kyle Rudolph) scored fewer than seven points. This was my best performance in weeks and arguably the most well-rounded result of the season. Fun fact: this is the first time all season that all three of my fantasy football teams have won in the same week. So, you’ll forgive me if I savor the flavor a little bit until my small bit of momentum is crushed into tiny pieces next week. Another fun fact: this album is the only one to feature all six Jackson brothers on the cover, at least until I went to work on it.

GREATER FOOLS (6-4) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (3-7)

89.32 – 53.22

So, you know how Footballdamus had only two starters score double digits and essentially left both their K and defense spots open? Well, they still scored nearly ten points more than C’s Champion team. To be fair, Chriss also left his K spot out to dry (Justin Tucker was on a bye). However, A.J. Derby put up a goose egg, Jordan Matthews only tallied one point more, and the New York Jets defense were only two points better than that. Here’s a microcosm of how bad of a day Chriss had: with Alex Smith on a bye, he was forced to start Blake Bortles, which is bad enough. But, Bortles’ 18 points were more than a third of his team’s total. In fact, Bortles and Sammy Watkins (10 points) were the only starters to score more than seven points for Chriss. That’s not going to cut it against most teams, let alone the Greater Fools on a good day. I mean, it’s not like Dad didn’t have his own downers this week. Dad was forced to start Eli Manning (16 points), the Houston Texans defense tallied only two points, and Leonard Fournette had a meager four-point day. But, the rest of the squad stepped up big time. Davante Adams dropped 15 points, while LeVeon Bell, Austin Hooper, and Stephen Gostkowski each had solid days of their own. In the end, this wasn’t even a contest. Anyway, I know Dad has not been pleased with my recent depictions of him getting blocked by Hakeem Olajuwon/Brian and smashed by Thor/Richard’s hammer/Ameer Abdullah. Well, I have a feeling he’s going to like what I’ve come up with this week.

STANDINGS

THE STANDINGS THAT MATTER:

1. WRs-R-Us (8-2) *
2. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (7-3)
3. The Krispy Kritters (6-4)
4. Greater Fools (6-4)
5. Lord Sandwich (6-4)
6. Wild Hogs (5-5)
7. Footballdamus (5-5)
8. 49ers (4-6)
9. Birds of War (4-6)
10. Jop Suey!!! (3-7)
11. C’s Champion Team (3-7)
12. Dixie Normous (3-7)

* = clinched a playoff spot. SCORER STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (7-3)
2. 49ers (7-3)
3. The Krispy Kritters (7-3)
4. Wild Hogs (7-3)
5. Greater Fools (6-4)
6. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (6-4)
7. Birds of War (5-5)
8. Lord Sandwich (5-5)
9. Jop Suey!!! (4-6)
10. C’s Champion Team (4-6)
11. Footballdamus (1-9)
12. Dixie Normous (1-9)

COMBINED STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (15-5)
2. The Krispy Kritters (13-7)
3. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (13-7)
4. Greater Fools (12-8)
5. Wild Hogs (12-8)
6. 49ers (11-9)
7. Lord Sandwich (11-9)
8. Birds of War (9-11)
9. Jop Suey!!! (7-13)
10. C’s Champion Team (7-13)
11. Footballdamus (6-14)
12. Dixie Normous (4-16)

POINTS LEADERBOARD:

1. WRs-R-Us (1014.60)
2. 49ers (959.78)
3. The Krispy Kritters (957.78)
4. Greater Fools (935.36)
5. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (892.40)
6. Wild Hogs (883.54)
7. Jop Suey!!! (855.48)
8. Birds of War (820.80)
9. Lord Sandwich (813.22)
10. C’s Champion Team (754.60)
11. Footballdamus (684.40)
12. Dixie Normous (651.86)

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

There’s a changing of the guard in Buffalo! Following the Bills’ shellacking by the New Orleans Saints, Buffalo is swapping out Mr. Overrated/Underrated (AKA Tyrod Taylor) for unproven Nathan Peterman. Any sort of QB switch is a little surprising, but this one is even more so considering not necessarily the performance, but the timing. The Bills are in the thick of the AFC Wild Card race, so taking such a risky move right now is shocking. Nathan Peterman doesn’t exactly inspire much confidence, either. Well, the leaves are falling, the rain is pouring, and the temperature is getting colder. It’s that time of year!

As for the Saints, they’re quickly becoming a legit Super Bowl contender. For a team that’s typically been nothing on defense and had only Drew Brees slinging it in the Dome on offense, stats like this are pretty damn surprising.

Also surprising: the long, confusing fight between the NFL and Ezekiell Elliott is apparently over (for now, anyway).

FINALLY! Even though I thought the NFL was making a bigger deal of this than it was, I’m just glad this confusing legalness is over. Also, Ezekiel Elliott is in line to return for Week 16, which would be our Super Bowl. That would be a huge boost for Richard should he make it that far. 

However, for the NFL, an even bigger battle is brewing.

Oh shit. A Civil War appears to be in the works. Jerry Jones is trying to block a new deal for Roger Goodell, who obviously would like Jones to not do that. Jones is apparently pissed at Goodell for (among other things) the whole Elliott thing. Meanwhile, Goodell and other owners are tired of Jones’ shit and apparently are exploring legal options to take the Dallas Cowboys away from Jones, which would be the biggest NFL story of the millennium. Interestingly, reports suggest Goodell is asking for a $50M lifetime contract and a private jet as part of the deal. I’m sorry, but that’s a fucking joke, much like some other things going on with the league, namely its concussion policy.

During the Seattle Seahawks’ game against the Arizona Cardinals, Russell Wilson got hit pretty hard. Wilson underwent a concussion test, which basically consisted of him going under the tent for about two seconds before insisting he was fine and getting back out there. A similar thing happened with Jacoby Brissett, too, but no one gives a shit because the Indianapolis Colts suck.

Speaking of jokes…

Here’s basically what happened: Martellus Bennett wanted to have season-ending surgery, so the Green Bay Packers cut him. Bennett then signs with the New England Patriots and miraculously heals up and plays. All the while, Bennett claims the Packers’ team doctor, Dr. Pat McKenzie, tried to convince him to play through pain (the same pain he apparently willingly played through once he got to New England), an accusation a shit ton of current and former Packers players say is bullshit. It seems Bennett (and his brother) get a pass on being assholes for some reason. I don’t know why. 

This hasn’t really been a good week for assholes, anyway.

That’s a really tough break for Seattle, especially with an absolutely crucial stretch coming up. In fact, the NFC playoff race, particularly for the Wild Card spots, should be amazing. 

Here’s a look at the current standings:

These are some of the games lined up for the rest of the season:

Week 11: Rams @ Vikings, Eagles @ Cowboys, Falcons @ Seahawks

Week 12: Vikings @ Lions, Saints @ Rams

Week 13: Redskins @ Cowboys, Vikings @ Falcons, Panthers @ Saints, Rams @ Cardinals, Eagles @ Seahawks

Week 14: Saints @ Falcons, Eagles @ Rams

Week 15: Packers @ Panthers, Rams @ Seahawks

Week 16: Vikings @ Packers, Falcons @ Saints, Seahawks @ Cowboys

Week 17: Panthers @ Falcons, Packers @ Lions, Cowboys @ Eagles, Cardinals @ Seahawks

Oh boy… this is gonna be good.

Finally, let’s give some love to the San Francisco 49ers, who finally got their first win of the season by beating the hapless New York Giants. More importantly, let’s give some love to Marquise Goodwin.

It’s an unfathomable tragedy to lose a newborn child, and an incredible display of strength to not only play football hours after the passing, but to play well. Let’s all keep the Goodwins in our hearts and remember to live life to the fullest. Some will never be able to.

HIGHLIGHTS

ACTUAL FOOTBALL:

• Kam Chancellor forces Adrian Peterson to cough up the ball. The Seattle Seahawks recover.
• Not done abusing Peterson, Chancellor gets out the switch and tackles him in the endzone for a safety.
• Russell Wilson pulls a Houdini by somehow avoiding the sack and flinging the ball down the field. It’s caught by Doug Baldwin, who takes it inside the five-yard line.
• Corey Grant takes a fake punt 56 yards for a TD.
• Austin Ekeler keeps his feet inbounds on the sideline and scampers in for the score.
• Ekeler dodges defenders for his second score.
• But, Ekeler fumbles late to keep the Jacksonville Jaguars alive. The defender was eventually ruled down by contact.
• Blake Bortles makes a horrible fucking throw and is picked off to seemingly win the game for the Los Angeles Chargers.
• A.J. Bouye picks off Philip Rivers in OT.
• Josh Lambo wins it for the Jags and hits the great celebration.
• Vontaze Burfict gets ejected for the first time in his career for touching a referee.
• A.J. Green takes it 70 yards for the TD.
• Marcus Mariota hits DeMarco Murray for the game-winner.
• Ty Montgomery bursts through the hole for a 37-yard TD.
• Nevin Lawson strips the ball, picks it up, and takes it all the way to the endzone.
• Sheldon Rankins picks off the tipped pass and nearly takes it back for a score.
• Drew Brees with the rare rushing TD.
• Robby Anderson hauls in a 38-yard TD pass from Josh McCown.
• Maurice Harris submits his entry for Catch of the Year with this one-handed TD snag.
• Ryan Grant meets Linval Joseph.
• Case Keenum somehow finds Adam Theilen for the TD. The Minnesota Vikings leap (frog) with joy afterwards.
• Will Fuller gets annihilated. 
• Jared Goff hits Robert Woods for a 94-yard TD.
• DeAndre Hopkins gets both toe taps down to make the catch.
• Jacoby Brissett tosses a 60-yard TD pass to Donte Moncrief.
• JuJu Smith-Schuster scores and makes fun of the A.J. Green-Jalen Ramsey fight last week.
• Xavier Woods lays out for the diving interception.
• Mohamed Sanu lays out Jeff Heath with a crack block.
• Adrian Clayborn sack montage.
• Marquise Goodwin hauls in a 83-yard TD pass and gets understandably emotional afterwards.
• Sterling Shepard somehow makes this one-handed catch.
• The New England Patriots recover the muffed punt by Isaiah McKenzie.
• Dion Lewis takes the kickoff back 103 yards for the TD.
• Rex Burkhead blocks a Denver Broncos punt. Not a good special teams night for Denver.
• Devin Funchess turns on the jets and scampers in for the score.
• Cam Newton rips off a 60-yard run.
• Kenyan Drake takes it 66 yards to the house.

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• A bald eagle shits mid-flight before the Seahawks-Cardinals game.
• Behold: the Arizona Cardinals RB Retirement Home.
• Blaine Gabbert loses the Cardinals’ QB challenge.
• This was called a fumble on the field, but overturned and ruled an incomplete pass after review. Attention referees…
• Marqise Lee demands PI be called, then dances at the opposing DB when it apparently is. But, the referees pick up the flag and instead flag Lee for taunting. Oh, and this all happened with like a minute left in the game. How the hell did the Jacksonville Jaguars win this, again?
• Corey Davis appears to score, but actually fumbles into the endzone and out of bounds for a touchback.
• Hue Jackson somehow thinks a QB sneak is a good call with 17 seconds left on 2nd and Goal with no timeouts left. Spoiler: it wasn’t.
• Benny Cunningham stretches for the score, but is ruled down short of the endzone. John Fox challenges the ball, but the officials instead rule that Cunningham lost possession of the ball, which hit the pylon. The play is ruled a touchback, with the Chicago Bears turning a 1st and Goal into a turnover.
• A few New Orleans Saints players dance on the sidelines.
• Josh McCown and Ryan Fitzpatrick throw interceptions on consecutive plays. There’s a reason last week’s Stat of the Week exists.
• Guys, did you know Fitzpatrick went to Harvard? He must be pretty smart, right?
• Teddy Bridgewater gets emotional in his return to the sidelines.
• “SHUT THE FUCK UP, BEN!”
• Kyle Shanahan takes not a Gatorade bath, but a few cups of water to the face after his first win as the San Francisco 49ers head coach.
• Brock Osweiler nearly kills a guy when throwing away a pass. Here’s a slow-mo.
• A referee goes ass over tea kettle and has to be taken out of the game.
• Osweiler with a flop of the year candidate.
• Dion Lewis forgets to take a knee on a kickoff before tossing the ball to the referee. But, he manages to grab it back and kneel before the other team gets there.
• Chris Collinsworth uses the commentator’s curse to perfection on Osweiler.
• Cam Newton knows a few handshakes.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• They’ve been dormant for about 15 years, but we can deny it no longer: The U is back. Miami announced its return to the top tier of college football with a massacre of Notre Dame, one that saw a prominent part of their season emerge in the national spotlight. I’m talking, of course, about the turnover chain. Quite possibly the most Miami thing ever created, it’s a big ass gold chain with a studded U logo. The idea is that, whenever the Hurricanes’ defense forces a turnover, the player who caused it gets to wear the turnover chain on the sideline and act like a big baller. It may sound stupid, but it’s working. Miami has the fifth-most takeaways and the second-highest turnover margin (to Wyoming, of all schools) in all of the FBS. Notre Dame was dead set on changing the tone, but it didn’t exactly work. The Fighting Irish turned it over four times. In fact, Miami became the first team since 2011 (Rutgers) to force four turnovers in four straight games. The turnover chain, like Miami, is here to stay.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Hot take: Frank Gore is a Top 10 All-Time RB.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 16, 1982, the 57-day long players’ strike ended. According to Wikipedia, the NFL Players Union demanded a wage scale based on a 55% cut of gross revenue. The NFL did not agree. Thus, the strike, which led to some pretty bizarre scenarios. The NFLPA put on two AFC-NFC “All-Star” exhibition games between a hodgepodge of players (including John Riggins). Meanwhile, with no games to air, the networks got weird. CBS replayed the previous Super Bowl and eventually broadcasted D-III games, which led to Pat Summerall and John Madden covering Baldwin Wallace vs. Wittenberg. If you can tell me what state the two schools are in without looking it up, you get a prize. NBC, meanwhile, aired Canadian Football League games until ratings got shitty enough to pull the plug. Eventually, the players revolted against their own union and stopped the strike. Because of the lost weeks, the season was shortened from 16 to nine games, and the playoffs were expanded to 16 teams (eight from each conference), with seeding based on record regardless of division. They actually called it a “Super Bowl Tournament.” The resulting five-year deal that came from the negotiations obviously wasn’t good enough, because it ended with the famous 1987 strike and the scab players. So basically, this was a gigantic waste of time. Also, the answer is Ohio.  THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2001 — “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” opens in the U.S. and U.K.
• 1981 — 1974 — The Arecibo message is broadcasted.
• 1973 — President Richard Nixon authorizes the construction of the Alaska Pipeline.
• 1969 — Nixon becomes the first sitting president to attend an NFL game.
• 1952 — Lucy holds the football for Charlie Brown for the first time.
• 1938 — LSD is first synthesized by Swiss scientist Albert Hofmann.
• 1914 — The Federal Reserve Bank of the United States opens.
• 1907 — Indian Territory and Oklahoma Territory join to form Oklahoma, which is admitted to the union as the 46th state.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy Fast Food Day! There’s now an In-N-Out five minutes away from my apartment (Delta Shores, yo!), so you can probably figure out how I’m going to celebrate.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Nick: $40

Tyler G: $40

Kyle: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Taylor: $40

Chriss: 0

Jimmy: 0

Riez: 0

Richard: 0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

LORD SANDWICH (6-4) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (6-4)

This could very well prove to be a first round playoff preview. Both Lord Sandwich and the Krispy Kritters are in contention for the 2-5 spots, and the result will have big implications either way. If Ewing pulls it out, it would all but lock up a Top 3 spot, considering his last two games are against the two last place teams in the league. Dak Prescott will have to do much better, but he’s facing arguably the best team in the NFL. Ewing has both Tyler Lockett and the Atlanta Falcons defense, so whoever succeeds, the other fails. Marvin Jones and Mark Ingram will have to have big games again, especially with Jonathan Stewart on a bye. Meanwhile, Richard’s home stretch is much tougher, so a win for him could prove quite valuable come time for seeding. Kirk Cousins tore up the Minnesota Vikings last week, but can he do the same to the New Orleans Saints? Meanwhile, Tevin Coleman, Robert Woods, and DeAndre Hopkins are facing strong defenses of their own. This one might be more low-scoring than either Ewing or Richard would like.

BIRDS OF WAR (4-6) VS. WRS-R-US (8-2)

Alright Kyle, hear me out. I know you just lost, but you have already been such a universe-destroyer already this season that I doubt it will matter if you are defeated again. No matter what, you won’t fall out of first place with another loss. It doesn’t look like that’ll happen, because WRs-R-Us appears ready to kick the shit out of Birds of War. Kareem Hunt, Alshon Jeffery, and A.J. Green are back, while Marcus Mariota, Melvin Gordon, and the Jacksonville Jaguars defense all appear primed for big games. Sure, Tom Brady should tear apart the Oakland Raiders (much to my chagrin). But, that’s pretty much the only guaranteed bunch of points I’ll get. Meanwhile, I just broke a six-game losing streak and desperately need a win to have a chance of sneaking into the playoffs. Plus, even if I make it, I’ll be the lowest seed and primed for a rematch, in which you’ll probably annihilate me. So, why not give your starters some extra, much-needed rest before the postseason? Please, help a brother out.

WILD HOGS (5-5) VS. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (7-3)

The Wild Hogs just took down the league’s top team. Can they pull off another big upset against the second best? Well, Jimmy will have to make due without his top two RBs (Christian McCaffrey and Carlos Hyde), who are out for their byes. Fortunately, Matt Stafford, Antonio Brown, and DeVante Parker should be set for big days. But, Cooper Kupp and the Los Angeles Rams defense are facing a potentially tough matchup against the Minnesota Vikings. Meanwhile, a wise man once said that any game featuring Fred Sanford (Dummy) will come down to the performance of the Buffalo Bills. There’s an extra twist this time, with Tyrod Taylor’s benching. Predictably, Brian scooped up the new starter, Nathan Peterman. Whether or not Peterman sinks of swims against the Los Angeles Chargers will be crucial. Dez Bryant, Alvin Kamara, Travis Kelce, and Chris Thompson might need to step it up for Brian to avoid another defeat, which could open up his second place spot for the taking. On the other hand, a win clinches a playoff spot for Brian.

49ERS (4-6) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-5)

The 49ers’ shocking loss to Dixie Normous has left them in a suddenly precarious position going into the home stretch. Another defeat could essentially leave Gee with a must-win matchup next week, especially with a showdown with WRs-R-Us looming at the end of the regular season. Meanwhile, Footballdamus’ own slide has put them in sudden peril. Riez may have the superior record, but he loses any tiebreaker thanks to being the second-lowest scorer in the league. Another loss, and he’ll likely be out of the playoff picture for the first time in months. This past debacle should be avoided with Jake Elliott and the Baltimore Ravens defense coming back from their byes, as well as the return of Mike Evans from suspension. Jared Goff, Derrick Henry, and C.J. Anderson will also need to step up this week. As for Gee, the Seahawks-Falcons game will be the big factor in whether or not his team soars or plummets. Meanwhile, Todd Gurley faces a tough matchup, while Gronk and Adrian Peterson should bounce back.

GREATER FOOLS (6-4) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (3-7)

A warning to Greater Fools: don’t take Dixie Normous lightly. Nick just killed two teams fighting for the playoffs, and he’s got his eyes on a third straight win to make his own case for the postseason. Nick’s starters have (for the most part) been outperforming themselves lately, with Ben Roethlisberger, Golden Tate, Brandon McManus, and the Detroit Lions defense set to continue their nice scoring stretches. In addition, Nick is getting Jay Ajayi back from a bye. However, Isaiah Crowell is facing arguably the best run defense in the NFL and Terrelle Pryor is still terrible. More good news for Dad: MVP front-runner Carson Wentz is back from his own bye. In addition, DeSean Jackson, Antonio Brown, and Leonard Fournette are all facing vulnerable defenses. Make no mistake, Dad can score (how do you think I got here?). For Nick to extend his shocking winning streak to three games, he’ll have to do something he’s not done all season: have a complete, balanced performance from all of his starters.

JOP SUEY!!! (3-7) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (3-7)

Jop Suey!!! has not had the best Fall, having lost five of their last six games and suffering some terrible/unlucky results in the process. Fortunately for Taylor, that poor run might finally come to an end this week against C’s Champion Team. However, Chriss does have some reinforcements coming in. Alex Smith and Amari Cooper are both returning from byes, while Doug Martin and Lamar Miller each have good matchups. Still, Smith’s return is a double-edged sword, since he’s playing Chriss’ New York Giants defense, who just got kicked around by the goddamn San Francisco 49ers. More bad news for Chriss: the Giants and their terrible offense are facing Taylor’s Kansas City Chiefs defense. Meanwhile, Drew Brees is back in the Dome, while both JuJu Smith-Schuster and DeMarco Murray should be in for big days themselves. With both teams a game back of the final playoff spot with only three weeks left, the loser of this matchup is likely out of playoff contention. The stakes are getting higher and higher. 

ONE LAST THING

Yes, I’m shamelessly plugging my show in our newsletter. Why? Because this is the last time I can do it for nearly a year.

For those who don’t know, I produce FOX40’s weekly high school football show, Final Quarter. It airs right after the 10 p.m. newscast every Friday night from the start of the season until the week before Thanksgiving. This being the week before Thanksgiving, this is the last week of the full half-hour show. We’re gonna have some good games/highlights/analysis this week with the playoffs in full swing, so it’ll be fun. Christian Brothers is playing Rio Linda. The Jesbians are facing Vacaville. Let’s not talk about how Kennedy did. 

Anyway, watch my show, a-holes.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness