Ruben's Writings

(cue theme music)

Happy Thanksgiving! Go spend time with your family and friends. But, if you need a distraction from some unbearable relatives, I’ve got just the thing.

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (7-4) DEF. LORD SANDWICH (6-5)

99.68 – 76.50

A lot of times, you can’t find a straight up position comparison that decides a matchup. But, in this case, there’s a pretty clear discrepancy at QB. The Krispy Kritters went with Kirk Cousins, who tore through the New Orleans Saints (before his team put on a choke job for the ages) and put up 25 points. Lord Sandwich, meanwhile, had Dak Prescott, who put on arguably the worst performance of his professional career and ended with only one point. You know it’s bad when Joe Flacco (who finished with just ten points) was nearly double digits better. Anyway, that’s a 24-point difference between the two starting QBs. What was the margin of victory for Richard? 23 points. Granted, there were other areas where both teams could’ve impacted the result. In addition to Cousins, Will Lutz (17 points), DeAndre Hopkins (13 points), and Tevin Coleman (11 points) had nice days for Richard. However, Nelson Agholor finished in the negative point range. Ewing also had his downsides, mainly Tyler Lockett (three points), Zach Ertz, and his goose egg. However, Mark Ingram put up 21 points, while Marvin Jones contributed 14 points and the Atlanta Falcons defense finished with 12 of its own. However, Ewing’s downs were far lower than Richard’s, and his highs weren’t as spread out. Richard’s third-lowest scorer (Robert Woods) finished with more points than all but three of Ewing’s starters. Richard may be (finally) missing Ezekiel Elliott and dealing with another loss to a starter (more on that later), but he just keeps on moving up the standings. 

WILD HOGS (6-5) DEF. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (7-4)

75.96 – 74.74

Wild Hogs has been in some weird matchups this season, but this one might take the cake. Let’s start with Jimmy: Antonio Brown went absolutely gangbusters, dropping 32 points (beating his previous season high by 11 points). Matt Stafford had a solid 18-point day. That’s the perfect start for high score. However, the rest of Jimmy’s squad combined for just 25 points, with a measly two points from DeVante Parker and only total points from his RBs (Theo Riddick and Rex Burkhead). Then, there’s Giorgio Tavecchio (who did nothing but kick off all game) and the Los Angeles Rams defense put up a fat goose egg. However, the real story was Fred Sanford (Dummy). It’s always a big risk to base a lineup on one team, like Brian does with the Buffalo Bills. A good game can pretty much cement a victory, while a bad performance can sink you to a loss. In that respect, Brian got the best and worst of both worlds. LeSean McCoy went off for 24 points, which, combined with Alvin Kamara’s 19 points, made for quite a boost from the RB position. But, Kelvin Benjamin had just two points (Rishard Matthews’ 17 points were left on the bench) and the Bills defense finished at -3 (the Pittsburgh Steelers defense got 16). Then, there’s the QB. Brian went full homer and picked up new starter Nathan Peterman (more on him later), who ended the day with -2 points. The usual starter for both Brian and Buffalo (Tyrod Taylor) had 18 points. If Brian hadn’t changed his lineup from last week and kept Taylor in, he would’ve easily won. In fact, if Brian had left the QB spot empty, he still would’ve gotten the victory. Alas…

WRS-R-US (9-2) DEF. BIRDS OF WAR (4-7)

114.94 – 86.76

Well, that was predictable. WRs-R-Us completely ignored my heartwarming appeal last week and proceeded to annihilate Birds of War. It was another top-to-bottom great turnout for Kyle, who by far scored the highest amount of points this week. Kyle was led by the Jacksonville Jaguars defense (what universe are we living in?), who shelled the Cleveland Browns for 25 points. Marcus Mariota put forth an 18-point effort of his own, while Alshon Jeffery, Melvin Gordon, and Dion Lewis each added 14 points. In fact, a large chunk of Lewis’ points came courtesy of Tom Brady TD pass, because of course it did. But, the result wasn’t for a lack of effort on my part. Brady and Brandin Cooks (whose third good game of the season was completely wasted) tore the Oakland Raiders apart (god fucking damn it) to the tune of 45 combined points. Jarvis Landry (13 points) and Matt Bryant (11 points) also has solid days. I did have some stinkers, though. The New Orleans Saints defense got me a whole point, Jason Witten put up a goose egg, and James White was apparently the only person the Raiders could stop. Plus, I left Orleans Darkwa and his 15 points on the bench. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. Much like Richard last week, no one was beating Kyle this week. In addition, unless he suffers a major scoring shortage over the next two weeks, Kyle will claim the top overall seed for the playoffs. Shocker. At least I can have some measure of revenge: any remote chance of me reopening the trade window is now officially gone. So, take that!

GREATER FOOLS (7-4) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (3-8)

99.42 – 76.18

RIP Dixie Normous playoff hype, Week 10-Week 11. Nick needed to keep winning, but now finds himself on the verge of elimination, a spot which seemed a given anyway before his winning streak. To be fair, Nick put up a game effort to make it three in a row. Jordan Howard went off for 18 points, while Mike Wallace and Jay Ajayi each had double-digit games. However, Martellus Bennett and Isaiah Crowell (one point each), as well as Golden Tate (three points) had disappointing days. Even if they had played well, it would’ve been tough to top Greater Fools. With the lone exception of Austin Hooper (in the negatives), all of Dad’s starters scored at least six points, with all but two scoring in double digits. Davante Adams’ 12 points, Leonard Fournette’s 11 points, and Doug Baldwin and LeVeon Bell’s ten points each made for a solid foundation, while Stephen Gostkowski of all people ended with 20 points. The engine, of course, was Carson Wentz and his own 20 points. Wentz shone in comparison to Derek Carr, whose 14 points look much better because of a garbage time TD. Now, I love Carr, but why the hell would Nick think starting him against a Top 2 team in the AFC in goddamn Estadio Azteca would be a good idea when you also have the QB for the other Top 2 AFC team (Ben Roethlisberger) playing at home? Big Ben doubled up Carr with 28 points, which rotted away on the bench. I mean, it wouldn’t have made a difference in the end, apart from turning a 23-point loss into a nine-point loss. But still, Nick would’ve moved up in the scorer standings, which is something, right? 

49ERS (5-6) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-6)

95.32 – 72.90

The 49ers were down big doing into the Monday Night game, but did they ever turn it around. Gee was losing by 27 points, but won by 23. That, if you can’t do the math, is a 50-point swing. I guess that’s what happens when Russell Wilson drops 31 points for you, while also feeding Jimmy Graham enough from him to get 13 of his own. Gee definitely needed that kind of performance, considering his earlier guys didn’t do that much. Demaryius Thomas did put in 12 points and Todd Gurley did rack up 11 ow his own. But, Adrian Peterson and Gronk only mustered up three points each, while the Seattle Seahawks defense barely managed two points. Gee shouldn’t complain though. Sure, Footballdamus boasts the Baltimore Ravens defense, which finished with a whopping 26 points. But, that was also 17 more points than anyone else on Riez’s roster. Nine points is decent from guys like Mike Evans, C.J. Anderson, and Michael Thomas. But for Jared Goff? That’s way too low. In addition, Javorius Allen and Jake Elliott (who got injured) only got a point each, while Evan Engram ended with a goose egg. Paul Richardson also got a poor man’s share of the Seahawks’ scoring barrage. The end result was huge, considering Riez has the second-fewest points scored in the league and would likely lose a tiebreaker for the final playoff spot. That good fortune earlier in the season may finally be turning sour on him. For now, Riez has a one-game advantage. But, if this slide continues, Riez may find himself on the outside looking in.

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (4-7) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (3-8)

99.20 – 68.00

What in the world has been going on with Jop Suey!!!? Since Taylor put up 128 points in Week 4, he’s lost six of the past seven games and hasn’t gotten within 30 points of that mark in any one. Taylor’s also faced some rotten luck and been on the bad side of some close calls. Shockingly, Taylor has fallen from a promising start to tied for last place, with a must-win scenario at best coming up (more on that later). The latest blow is a big loss to C’s Champion Team, one which saw Drew Brees (22 points) and Larry Fitzgerald (15 points) go off, but no one else really do anything. JuJu Smith-Schuster and DeMarco Murray managed only four points each, while Sefon Diggs (three points) and Cameron Brate (one point) had terrible games. Even the highest-scoring K in the league by far (Greg Zuerlein) was held to only one point. Meanwhile, Chriss put up one of his best performances of the season. Kenny Stills went wild for 24 points, the Philadelphia Eagles defense threw down 22 points, and Lamar Miller added a cool 14 points of his own. The combined efforts made up for the poor performances of Alex Smith (nine points), Sammy Watkins (three points), Jared Cook (three points), and T.J. Yeldon (two points). While Taylor playoff chances appear to be slim to none, Chriss has suddenly put himself in real contention to possibly snag one of the final postseason spots. It looks like the final two weeks will be a battle between four guys (Gee, Riez, me, and Chriss) for two tickets to the playoffs, so things are about to get pretty damn exciting. 

STANDINGS

THE STANDINGS THAT MATTER:

1. WRs-R-Us (9-2) *
2. The Krispy Kritters (7-4) *
3. Greater Fools (7-4) *
4. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (7-4) *
5. Wild Hogs (6-5)
6. Lord Sandwich (6-5)
7. 49ers (5-6)
8. Footballdamus (5-6)
9. Birds of War (4-7)
10. C’s Champion Team (4-7)
11. Jop Suey!!! (3-8)
12. Dixie Normous (3-8)

* = clinched a playoff spot. 

SCORER STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (8-3)
2. 49ers (8-3)
3. The Krispy Kritters (8-3)
4. Greater Fools (7-4)
5. Wild Hogs (7-4)
6. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (6-5)
7. Birds of War (6-5)
8. Lord Sandwich (5-6)
9. C’s Champion Team (5-6)
10. Jop Suey!!! (4-7)
11. Footballdamus (1-10)
12. Dixie Normous (1-10)

COMBINED STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (17-5)
2. The Krispy Kritters (15-7)
3. Greater Fools (14-8)
4. 49ers (13-9)
5. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (13-9)
6. Wild Hogs (13-9)
7. Lord Sandwich (11-11)
8. Birds of War (10-12)
9. C’s Champion Team (9-13)
10. Jop Suey!!! (7-15)
11. Footballdamus (6-16)
12. Dixie Normous (4-18)

POINTS LEADERBOARD:

1. WRs-R-Us (1129.54)
2. The Krispy Kritters (1057.46)
3. 49ers (1055.10)
4. Greater Fools (1034.78)
5. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (967.14)
6. Wild Hogs (959.50)
7. Jop Suey!!! (923.48)
8. Birds of War (907.56)
9. Lord Sandwich (889.72)
10. C’s Champion Team (853.80)
11. Footballdamus (757.70)
12. Dixie Normous (728.04)

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

Well… that didn’t work out as planned. After surprisingly switching out Tyrod Taylor for Nathan Peterman, the Buffalo Bills got absolutely dicked by the Los Angeles Chargers. That was mostly on Peterman, who completed six of his 14 passes for 66 yards, zero TDs, and five interceptions (watch them all here) before being pulled at halftime. Peterman was so bad for Buffalo that if he had been the Chargers’ QB, his passer rating (41.1) would have been more than twice as high as it actually was (17.9). So, tail between his legs, Sean McDermott had no choice but to go back to Taylor this week against the Kansas City Chiefs. Completely killing the confidence of one young QB, while destroying your relationship with your starter. That’s a two-birds-with-one-stone only the Bills could achieve.

As for the Bills’ next game, Taylor will have a bit more to worry about than usual.

Revis Island is back, this time on the Missouri River! Darrelle Revis has signed a two-year deal with Kansas City. Revis hasn’t played a down all season and is nearing his mid-30’s, but the Chiefs needed some major secondary help. It’s kind of the same thing the Oakland Raiders did with NaVorro Bowman. I have no idea why Kansas City thought doing something similar will work, because the Raiders’ defense is still terrible, which is probably why…

The defense has been absolutely shitty, there were no significant free agents added during the offseason, Gareon Conley is still hurt, and the offense has regressed so much they can’t bail out the defense. Someone had to be the fall guy. Unless the season turns around quickly, more heads will roll. For now, Oakland is going into an essentially must-win situation against the Denver Broncos with John Pagano as defensive coordinator, which is kind of terrifying. However, the Raiders won’t be the only team in that big AFC West matchup rocking a new coordinator.

But wait, there’s more!

Trevor Siemian has been awful. Brock Osweiler has been awful. Paxton Lynch was awful last year, but Denver really doesn’t have a choice at this point. Watch them still fucking win.

Anyway, while the AFC is looking more and more like a rematch between the New England Patriots and Pittsburgh Steelers for a trip to the Super Bowl, the NFC is turning into an amazing playoff race. 

The New Orleans Saints were down 31-16 to the Washington Redskins with 5:58 left in the game. They won 34-31 in overtime. I didn’t know Joffrey was a Redskins fan.

The Minnesota Vikings held the highest scoring offense in the NFL to seven points, and kept them off the scoreboard for the final 55 minutes. The Vikings are legit.

The Detroit Lions and Atlanta Falcons pulled off huge road wins, which both ended with the opposing kicker missing a game-tying field goal in the dying moments (highlights below). They should’ve done what the Philadelphia Eagles did.

Some context: Jake Elliott got hurt on the opening kickoff, so Kamu Grugier-Hill had to fill in as the emergency kicker. He actually did a pretty good job, and the lack of Elliott certainly didn’t impact the eagles, who curb stomped the Dallas Cowboys.

So, here are the current NFC standings.

This week, the Lions host the Vikings and the Saints go to LA. Let the fights continue!

Finally, we must pay respect to one of the country’s most historic sports venues, which is no longer with us.

RIP Georgia Dome. The only venue to host a Super Bowl, Final Four, and Olympic Games was imploded over the weekend. The former home of the Falcons was the scene of plenty of memorable moments, and gave us one more on its way out. Some Weather Channel guy was recording the implosion when a bus pulled in front of his camera and blocked the whole thing. At least it wasn’t the most embarrassing implosion in Atlanta sports history.

HIGHLIGHTS

ACTUAL FOOTBALL:

• Ben Roethlisberger pulls an Aaron Rodgers and finds Antonio Brown for a 41-yard TD on a free play.
• Derrick Henry nearly gets tackled for a loss, but manages to get a first down.
• T.J. Watt blocks a field goal. The Pittsburgh Steelers’ special teams coach is excited.
• Rishard Matthews starts the second half with a 75-yard TD catch.
• Brown makes an incredible one-handed catch for his third TD.
• Blake Bortles fakes out the cameraman on this TD pass.
• A BROWNS HIGHLIGHT! DeShone Kizer hits Duke Johnson for the 27-yard TD.
• Telvin Smith jumps on a Kizer fumble in the endzone to seal the game.
• Jordan Howards bursts out for a 50-yard gain.
• D.J. Hayden makes a great defensive play (something he never did in Oakland) and scores.
• Matt Prater hits a 51-yarder into the wind and puts the Lions up with little time left.
• The Titty Kisser scrambles for 19 yards on 4th and 13.
• Connor Barth badly misses a 46-yard field goal to tie it at the end of the game.
• Adam Thielen breaks free for a 65-yard TD.
• Case Keenum unbelievably is not only not sacked. but gets a first down on this throw.
• Kyle Rudolph makes a great catch other a defender.
• Thielen jukes the soul out of a defender and lays out for the nice catch.
• Anthony Harris knocks the ball out of Cooper Kupp’s hands at the 1-yard line. 
• Jimmy Smith picks off Brett Hundley in the endzone.
• Mike Wallace makes a spectacular TD catch.
• C.J. Mosely picks up the ball after a strip sack of Hundley.
• Damien Williams goes for a 69-yard run.
• Jarvis Landry snags the ball with one hand.
• Matt Moore hits Kenny Stills for the 61-yard TD. 
• Kirk Cousins stands in the pocket to throw a 40-yard TD pass.
• Mark Ingram gashes the defense for a 36-yard TD.
• Alvin Kamara bobbles the pass, but still converts for the score.
• Josh Hill’s great block allows Kamara to tie the game.
• Will Lutz walks off the Redskins.
• Larry Fitzgerald catches the 20-yard TD and moves past Tony Gonzalez for the fifth-most receiving yards in NFL history.
• DeAndre Hopkins makes a great catch in the endzone.
• The Bengals block a field goal.
• D’Onta Foreman scores on the nice run, but gets hurt in the process.
• Korey Toomer takes the tipped pass and returns it for the TD.
• LeSean McCoy avoids defenders for the 27-yard score.
• Joey Bosa strip sacks Tyrod Taylor and Melvin Ingram picks the ball up and runs it into the endzone.
• Taylor avoids the sack this time, then finds Zay Jones for a 33-yard gain.
• Tom Brady fakes out the camera and finds Dion Lewis, who the Raiders decide not to tackle.
• Brady finds Brandin Cooks for a 52-yard gain.
• God damn it. Just… god fucking damn it.
• Stephen Gostkowski nails a 62-yard field goal that would have been good from 72.
• Cooks burns the Raiders secondary (shocker) for a 64-yard TD.
• Landon Collins stuffs the RB to force a 4th down.
• Someone thought having Shane Vereen throw the ball was a good idea. It wasn’t.
• Someone else thought having Travis Kelce throw the ball was a good idea. It, too, wasn’t.
• Roger Lewis makes a Catch of the Year candidate in OT.
• Aldrick Rosas walks off the Chiefs.
• Kenjon Barner somehow gets both feet down and makes the nice snag.
• Derek Barnett spins Dak Prescott down for the 12-yard loss.
• Carson Wentz somehow avoids the pass rush and hits Alshon Jeffery for the first down.
• Barnett forces the fumble, which Nigel Bradham takes all the way back to the house.
• Wentz hits Jeffery for the nice TD snag.
• Julio Jones somehow gets both feet down for the catch.
• Justin Hardy caught this pass.
• Russell Wilson breaks a dude’s ankles with a pump fake.
• The Seahawks try a fake field goal. It doesn’t work.
• Mohamed Sanu makes a sweet one-handed catch.
• Adrian Clayborn scoops up the Wilson fumble and scores.
• Blair Walsh comes up just a few yards short on the potential game-tying field goal.

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• “DILLY DILLY!“
• Ravens sack dance.
• Dre Kirkpatrick has a 101-yard pick six… until he doesn’t.
• “NO, GOD DAMN IT! NO!“
• Tom Brady channels his inner Michael Jackson.
• Johnny Holton is retarded.
• Giants fans voice their displeasure with a missed PAT.
• Is Jalen Mills speaking English here?
• Kamu Grugier-Hill casually makes a one-handed catch on the sidelines.
• Jay Ajayi gets roasted by his teammates after getting tackled on a 71-yard run.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Baker Mayfield isn’t getting invited to any Thanksgiving dinners in Lawrence, Kansas anytime soon. The 1-9 Kansas Jayhawks decided, for some bizarre reason, to start shit with Mayfield and the No. 4. Oklahoma Sooners. During the pregame handshake between team captains, the Jayhawks, well, didn’t extend their hands. Then, during the game, a Kansas defender delivered a cheap shot to Mayfield well after he had thrown a pass. Well, Mayfield had the last laugh, throwing for 257 yards and 3 TDs to send Kansas to 1-10. After one score, Mayfield shouted at the Kansas sidelines and grabbed his crotch. That little gesture has blown up with the “Why Don’t All Athletes Praise America And Recite Scripture And Not Swear?” crowd. Since then, Mayfield has been benched for Oklahoma’s game against West Virginia, publicly reprimanded by the Big XII, and broken down twice during an apology. Oh, and the three Kansas non-handshakers have been stripped of their captaincy. Yes, Mayfield is going to win the Heisman anyway. Yes, Mayfield is a dick. Yes, this whole thing is stupid. All because a one-win team felt like talking shit… sorry, Jayhawk fans.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Again. To add on even more, the Cleveland Browns are the only team in the NFL to have forced a turnover in every game so far. Yet, they have not won the turnover battle in any game and, you know, haven’t won a game. If the Browns do end up getting a victory, whoever they beat is going to get roasted to a crisp.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 23, 1989 (Thanksgiving Day), the Philadelphia Eagles and Dallas Cowboys began a brutal chapter in their already intense rivalry. Recent matchups between the two had become even more heated after incidents of both teams running up the score against each other during the 1987 season. Though new Cowboys owner Jerry Jones had cleaned house (including replacing head coach Tom Landry [the longest-tenured coach in NFL history] with Jimmie Johnson), there was still plenty of bad blood. The play during the game was incredibly physical, with a lot of if coming from Philadelphia’s defense. Following the Eagles’ 27-0 thumping win, Johnson accused his counterpart, Buddy Ryan, of taking a bounty on Cowboys QB Troy Aikman and K Luis Zendejas, who had been released by the Eagles weeks earlier. In the post-game press conference, Johnson said he planned on confronting Ryan about the hard hitting, but Ryan had run straight off the field. “I have absolutely no respect for the way they played the game,” Joshnson declared. “I would have said something to Buddy, but he wouldn’t stand on the field long enough. He put his big, fat rear end into the dressing room.” In his own press conference, Ryan denied the accusations and joked about Johnson’s comments on his weight. “I resent that,” Ryan countered. “I’ve been on a diet, I lost a couple of pounds, and I thought I was looking good.” The teams would meet for a rematch just two weeks later, in what was billed as “Bounty Bowl II.” CBS actually promoted the game with wanted posters, the involved players’ pictures, and bounty amounts. Yeah, it was a different time. The game was in Philadelphia, so the fans responded in kind, pelting the visiting team, referees, the TV announcers (Verne Lundquist and Terry Bradshaw), and even their own players with snowballs, ice, and beer. Those who’ve admitted to taking part in the hostilities include future Philadelphia mayor and Pennsylvania governor Edward Rendell, who revealed he bet another fan $20 he couldn’t throw a snowball onto the field; Rendell lost. Then-NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue was in attendance, which was probably why the Eagles were forced to hire extra security and ban beer sales at their last home game of the season and their NFC Wild Card playoff game. The Eagles also didn’t play another game on Thanksgiving until 2008. Philadelphia fans have their reputation for a reason.  

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2015 — Blue Origin’s New Shepard becomes the first rocket to successfully fly into space and return to earth for a controlled, vertical landing.
• 1992 — The first smartphone (IMB Simon) is introduced at COMDEX in Las Vegas.
• 1990 — Renowned author Roald Dahl dies.
• 1963 — The first episode of Doctor Who (An Unearthly Child) is broadcast by BBC.
• 1936 — Life magazine is reborn as a photojournalism-centered publication.
• 1889 — The first jukebox goes into operation at the Palais Royale Saloon in San Francisco.
• 1804 — President Franklin Pierce is born.
• 534 BC — Thespis of Icaria becomes the first recorded actor to portray a character (other than himself) onstage.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy National Cashew Day! I’m pretty sure Dad has consumed more cashews than any other type of nut (including Joe Montana’s) combined. Anyway, this is totally the biggest thing to celebrate today.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Nick: $40

Tyler G: $40

Kyle: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Taylor: $40

Chriss: The amount of honey-baked ham I will leave uneaten. 

Jimmy: The percentage of indigenous people who WEREN’T fucked over by the people they shared the first Thanksgiving with.

Riez: The total items of food Eddie Lacy will not consume. 

Richard: The number of reasonable human beings who actually want to talk about politics during dinner. 

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (7-4) VS. WRS-R-US (9-2)

Everyone’s played everyone now, so we’re getting into the first of two rematch weeks before the playoffs. Both WRs-R-US and Fred Sanford (Dummy) have had pretty successful seasons so far, though Brian has been on a bit of a slide lately. That poor stretch might continue for two reasons. First, Chris Thompson is now out for the season. I guess Brian will have to fall back on LeSean McCoy and Alvin Kamara in the running game. Poor him. Second, Brian’s playing Kyle this week. Marcus Mariota is in a prime matchup against the Indianapolis Colts, while A.J. Green, Alshon Jeffery, Melvin Gordon, and the Jacksonville Jaguars defense are also set for big days. Kareem Hunt has slowed down since his scorching start, but he and the Kansas City Chiefs face the Buffalo Bills (AKA half of Brian’s team) this week. Tyrod Taylor is once again the starter, so Brian’s Bills should do much better than this past week. Will it be better enough to take down the top-ranked team? 

WILD HOGS (6-5) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (7-4)

Though both Wild Hogs and the Krispy Kritters are on hot streaks, only one of them can stay that way. It’s pretty remarkable just how good Richard has looked lately, considering he’s been winning without the suspended  Ezekiel Elliott. The task will get even tougher with Robert Woods set to miss a few weeks. Kirk Cousins has been a huge reason for Richard’s success, and he’s facing the New York Giants. So, Cousins will either get 40 points or -1, with no in between. DeAndre Hopkins and Mohamed Sanu will also have to keep doing work. As for Jimmy, Matt Stafford is facing the same Minnesota Vikings defense that just shut down the highest scoring offense in football. Those same Los Angeles Rams are facing the explosive New Orleans Saints this week, so Jimmy’s defense will be on high alert. Meanwhile, Antonio Brown has a mouthwatering matchup against the Green Bay Packers. The current Yahoo! projections have Jimmy and Richard separated by just half a point, so this should be a good one.

GREATER FOOLS (7-4) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-6)

Greater Fools will have a few extra supporters than usual this week. With Footballdamus in the final playoff spot, but holding the second-lowest scoring total for a tiebreaker, another loss could open the door for another team (preferably mine) to sneak in. Conversely, a win by Riez could potentially clinch a spot in the postseason. To set up a chance for the latter, Jared Goff is going to have to rebound big time, while the Mikes (Evans and Thomas) have to keep scoring. C.J. Anderson is also facing a vulnerable Oakland Raiders defense (grumble grumble), while the Baltimore Ravens defense should feast on the Houston Texans. But, Dad should have plenty of firepower to match. Carson Wentz is taking on the Chicago Bears, while LeVeon Bell is set to run through the Green Bay Packers. Leonard Fournette and Doug Baldwin could also be in for big days against the Arizona Cardinals and San Francisco 49ers, respectively. Dad, I just want to say good luck. We’re all counting on you.

BIRDS OF WAR (4-7) VS. 49ERS (5-6)

This may end up being for a playoff spot. The 49ers are currently in the 7th seed, but a win would pretty much cement their postseason status, considering their high standing in terms of points scored. As for Birds of War, I can’t catch Riez or Gee if I don’t win another damn game. However, my odds don’t look good this week. Gee has Russell Wilson going against the actual 49ers, Julio Jones against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and Gronk against the Miami Dolphins. Plus, anytime Gronk does something, it negates all the positives for me and Tom Brady. That bit me in the ass with Dion Lewis last week. It’s not like Gronk is Brady’s favorite target or anything. Hopefully he chooses Brandin Cooks again, and hopefully Michael Crabtree actually does something against the Denver Broncos. The Saints defense shutting down Todd Gurley would be doubly beneficial to me, considering he’ll be going for Gee. I stay alive and potentially get in a playoff spot with a win, while I could be eliminated with a loss. I’m totally not worried at all. Please sense the sarcasm.

LORD SANDWICH (6-5) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (4-7)

I’m not the only one with playoff aspirations. A sudden surge by C’s Champion Team has Chriss also thinking about the postseason. But, Chriss needs to keep winning as well. Meanwhile, Lord Sandwich clinches a playoff spot with a victory. Both QBs are coming off incredibly poor performances. Dak Prescott may have cost Ewing a win this past week, and it might not get better against the Los Angeles Chargers this week. Chriss won handily despite Alex Smith shitting the bed against the Giants. Will that happen again against the Bills? For Chriss, Sammy Watkins and Amari Cooper will have to be much better, while the Philadelphia Eagles defense needs to continue to wreak havoc against the Bears. As for Ewing, Adam Thielein and Mark Ingram will have to keep their scorching runs going, while Tyler Lockett and Alex Collins will need to step it up. Considering Chriss is on the lower end of the points scored spectrum, a loss would virtually eliminate him from postseason contention.

JOP SUEY!!! (3-8) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (3-8)

We’ve got another Toilet Bowl! But this time, the loser will also be flushed from playoff contention. Dixie Normous, who went from perennial bottom feeder to sudden playoff contender in a two-week span, is now back in the basement. With Nick having by far the fewest points scored on the season, a loss would pretty much clinch last place. To avoid that dubious honor, Derek Carr will have to un-fuck himself, while Golden Tate and Jay Ajayi will have to step up against stingy defenses. As for Jop Suey!!!, it’s a bit of a surprise that they’re so far down in the standings. An extremely poor run of form has Taylor needing a win just to stay alive, and even that’s not a guarantee. Fortunately, Taylor has Drew Brees and JuJu Smith-Schuster going in good matchups. However, Stefon Diggs and Keenan Allen have been in a slump lately, and Jamaal Williams is an unproven commodity going up against a tough Pittsburgh Steelers defense. One of these teams has to win (or, rather, not lose).

ONE LAST THING

It may be incredibly cliche, but we really don’t spend enough time being thankful for what we have. I’m reminded of the fragility of life every day I go into the newsroom. We can’t take anything or anyone for granted. So, even though you all annoy me at various times and consistently bitch about things (namely the trade deadline), I’m incredibly thankful to have all of you in this league and in my life. I’m happy to be your commissioner. You’re all good people, and I hope we stay in touch for a long time.  

If you don’t have plans or can’t celebrate with your folks for whatever reason, you’re more than welcome to eat and watch football with Dad and I. The festivities start at 2 p.m. Hit me up if you’re interested. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness