Ruben's Writings

Me last Friday:

“Hmm… what should the theme for the next newsletter be? We’re getting close to the playoffs, so maybe something about battling for survival… something high-volume, turning it up to 11, heavy metal style. It’s gotta be badass and set the mood for the big showdowns coming up later… something hardcore and super manly and… wait what’s this?”

(checks reddit)

“HOLY SHIT THERE’S A NEW HEY ARNOLD! MOVIE AND IT WAS RELEASED TODAY!!!!”

Oh yes, my fellow 90’s kids, it’s real. Hey Arnold! The Jungle Movie premiered this past weekend. It was originally meant to be a two-part episode/series finale way back in 2002. But, the project was scrapped and shelved until recently, when show creator Craig Bartlett and Nickelodeon got their shit together and decided to c̶a̶p̶i̶t̶a̶l̶i̶z̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶n̶o̶s̶t̶a̶l̶g̶i̶a̶ ̶f̶a̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶9̶0̶’̶s̶ ̶k̶i̶d̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶g̶r̶o̶w̶n̶ ̶u̶p̶ finally put a bow on one of their most beloved creations. 
When I was a kid, Hey Arnold! was in my Pantheon of TV shows and my second-favorite show on Nick (after Spongebob Squarepants, of course). No show before or since has had such a diverse character selection, or quite such a smooth soundtrack. It tackled real world issues like poverty and obesity and addiction, all while giving each and every minor character opportunities to shine, without dumbing them down for a cheap laugh. It produced some genuine heartfelt tearjerkers, like Mr. Hyunh reuniting with his long-lost daughter, Pigeon Man saying goodbye, and the origin of Helga’s love for Arnold and her reason for acting like such a bitch being revealed. It’s so good, my freaking 15-year-old sister still mixes regular reruns of Hey Arnold! into her busy TV schedule of Stranger Things, Riverdale, The Bachelor/Bachelorette, random baking shows on Netflix, and whatever bullshit thing one of the One Direction band members happen to be “acting” in at the time.
The Jungle Movie is set shortly after the original run ended. Arnold’s class wins a trip to the fictional country of San Lorenzo, which was the last place Arnold’s long-lost parents had been to before they disappeared. Naturally, Arnold decides to go looking for his mom and dad, though their journey is not without danger. Arnold and his friends must face off against the evil mercenary Lasombra to uncover the truth. 
The film is basically a love letter to those who watched the show when they were kids, and that’s totally fine by me. It was awesome to see Arnold and Gerald and Helga and Phoebe and Grandpa Phil and Harold and Sid and Stinky and Eugene and Rhonda and Mr. Simmons and everyone again. Hell, it was cool to see Oskar and Ernie and Dino Spumoni and Stoop Kid and Big Patty make some cameos, too. It also had one of the best “say the title of the movie during the movie” moments ever. Most importantly, the film tied up all of the show’s loose ends, including answering the three big questions:
1. Do Arnold and Helga ever become a couple?2. What happened to Arnold’s parents?3. What is Arnold’s last name? (hint: we knew all along)

Anyway, considering this league is 83% dudes who grew up watching this show and 17% dads who watched it with their sons, I don’t think you’ll mind Hey Arnold! getting the theme nod. We’ll save the badass stuff for next week. Plus, Arnold’s nickname is “Football Head.” It fits!

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (8-4) DEF. WRS-R-US (9-3)

81.12 – 65.76

What the fuck, Kyle? You completely shit the bed twice in three weeks, with the lone exception of kicking my ass? How do you put forth your third-highest score of the season against me, only to follow with your lowest single-game output all year? I guess you’re really pissed about the whole trade deadline thing, huh? Either way, is WRs-R-Us finally coming back down to Earth? And at the worst possible time, too? This is a lot of questions to start a recap, isn’t it? Anyway, Kyle had only two starters (Dion Lewis and the Jacksonville Jaguars defense) score in double digits, and they barely qualified with 11 points each. Marcus Mariota finished with a meek nine points, while Ryan Succop (at nine points) outscored both A.J. Green and Melvin Gordon. Kareem Hunt continued is slide with only two points, while T.Y. Hilton finished with just one point. WRs definitely let WRs-R-Us down. As for Fred Sanford (Dummy) it wasn’t the Buffalo Bills effort that got them over the top (though Tyrod Taylor did have a decent output). It wasn’t Dez Bryant or the human asshole Travis Kelce, who ended with only three points each. It sure as hell wasn’t Rishard Matthews, whose injury meant Brian got a goose egg from his flex player. No, it was the guy who’s probably already supplanted Hunt as the favorite for OROY, Alvin Kamara, who dropped a 30-burger on Kyle. Kamara has been killing it this season, especially during this great run by the New Orleans Saints. Brian has probably pulled a Helga and made a voodoo shrine to Kamara, which would fit in well with what Saints fans are doing, I guess. 

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (8-4) DEF. WILD HOGS (6-6)

108.82 – 75.30

No Ezekiel Elliott, no Robert Woods, and yet the Krispy Kritters continues to put up big points. Somehow, Richard keeps getting guys to step up. This week, it was Tevin Coleman and his 21 points leading the pack, and I do mean pack. This was a balanced team effort. Sure, Danny Amendola only got one point and Ameer Amdullah didn’t do much better, but everyone else finished in double digits. The New England Patriots defense ended the day with 17 points, Mohamed Sanu, DeAndre Hopkins, and Delanie Walker each tallied 12 points, while Kirk Cousins had a not-too-shappy 17-point performance, which is amazing considering the Redskins-Giants game was garbage. Meanwhile, Wild Hogs continues to be a complete hit-or-miss team. This week, it was definitely miss. Well, except for Antonio Brown, whose 30 points ended up being 40% of Jimmy’s entire total for the week. In fact, while Richard only had two guys NOT finish in double digits, apart from Brown and Matt Stafford (15 points), everyone else in Jimmy’s lineup ended in single digits. Vernon Davis and DeVante Parker each put up a gosse egg, while Tyreek Hill (five points) and Carlos Hyde (six points) each had disappointing days. Not a good look going into the postseason. These results could also mean a shocking change at the top. Richard’s scoring tear, coupled with Kyle’s slump, has put Richard within striking distance of the top seed for the playoffs. One more bad game from Kyle and one more scorching display from Richard could mean a new leader atop the standings for the first time all season. 

49ERS (6-6) DEF. BIRDS OF WAR (4-8)

135.62 – 90.98

God fucking damn it. Just… god fucking damn it. For the second week in a row, I finish as one of the highest-scorers, but lose because I just happened to play the one guy who went on an absolute scoring tear. The 49ers scored 27 points more than the next highest-scoring team. It’s not like I needed those two wins to make the playoffs, either. This season can go straight to Hell. I mean, I knew I was screwed after the Falcons-Buccaneers game, where Julio Jones threw down 38 POINTS. Russell Wilson and Gronk followed, naturally, with 24 and 20 points, respectively. Gee’s RBs were absolutely killer, with Latavius Murray (14 points), Samaje Perine (13 points), and Todd Gurley (12 points) each contributing more than my RBs (LeGarrette Blount and Orleans Darkwa) combined. Blount may literally be the only guy on the Philadelphia Eagles offense who isn’t scoring a shit ton of points (shakes fist at Jay Ajayi). Meanwhile, Brandin Cooks has two great games back-to-back for the first time all season, and he and Tom Brady’s 21 points (not to mention Kyle Rudolph’s 18 points) go completely to waste just because of my stupid luck. Not that it mattered in the end, but my other starting WR, Michael Crabtree, got ejected in the first quarter thanks to Aqib Talib’s bitch ass (more on that later). Here’s the silver lining: with all of the injuries and shitty luck I’ve endured this season, I’m still, somehow, in playoff contention. No idea how, but I’m still alive. Also, I have the perfect analogy to go with this week’s theme: I am Eugene, the king of bad luck.

GREATER FOOLS (8-4) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-7)

76.48 – 61.56

Meanwhile, Greater Fools barely gets more than 75 points and gets a win. We live in a cruel world, man. I guess Dad needs all he can get, as he’s still recovering from the ass-whooping I gave him earlier in the year. Dad’s actually done pretty well since, and this week’s win keeps him among the top tier teams in the league. As usual, Dad’s Christmas angel, Carson Wentz, powered his team with 21 points, while LeVeon Bell (16 points) and Davante Adams (14 points) did some good work as well. Those three players were the only bright spots all week. Only DeSean Jackson (six points) scored more than five points, with Leonard Fournette (four points), Doug Baldwin (two points), and the Houston Texans defense (one point) having particularly bad days. It didn’t matter, though, because Footballdamus did even worse, with only one starter (Jared Goff) in double digits. Will Fuller got hurt and put up a goose egg, while Evan Engram and C.J. Anderson only finished with a point each. Even the mighty Baltimore Ravens defense had a lackluster day, finishing with a measly nine points against the tepid Texans offense. While the lack of scoring isn’t anything new for Riez, he’d gotten some good luck with matchups in the past. However, that luck’s finally starting to catch up to him. For the first time since Week 2, Riez is out of a playoff spot, and his low points total isn’t going to win any tiebreakers. Riez needs to put up some big points (for once) and get a little bit of help in order to not see his postseason dream slip away for good. 

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (5-7) DEF. LORD SANDWICH (6-6)

93.06 – 77.76

C’S CHAMPION TEAM IS IN A PLAYOFF SPOT! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! Last year’s Wooden Spoon winner and a favorite to repeat this year has now won two straight games and four of the last six to climb all the way into the final playoff spot with only one week to go! Chriss would’ve been virtually eliminated from postseason contention with a loss, but instead his team showed up big time. Only Jared Cook (goose egg) and Kenny Stills (four points) had truly bad games (Amari Cooper got six points before leaving with a concussion). Sammy Watkins and Justin Tucker matched Alex Smith’s 14 points, while Frank Gore (13 points), the Philadelphia Eagles defense (13 points) and Lamar Miller (11 points) all had good contributions as well. As for Lord Sandwich, there wasn’t too much to cheer about. Marvin Jones (22 points) and Zach Ertz (16 points) each had great days that were ruined by most of the rest of the starting lineup. Dak Prescott had another stinker of a game and only put up five points. The Atlanta Falcons defense only managed two points against the lowly Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Tyler Lockett finished with a goose egg. Plus, he’s doing it all after losing Aaron Rodgers. Ewing is definitely trending downwards going into the playoffs, which is never a good look. Meanwhile, the once left-for-dead Chriss has fought back to where one more win gets him in the playoffs. Regardless of what happens this week, you’ve got my respect, Chriss. Now, here’s a picture where I edited you to have a pink bow on the top of your head.

JOP SUEY!!! (4-8) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (3-9)

100.24 – 69.44

A long, tough, dreary season for Dixie Normous has mercifully come to an end. With his loss to Jop Suey!!! Nick has finally become the first person eliminated from playoff contention. This week, his team looked nothing like the guys who momentarily gave us all a scare a few weeks ago, and everything like who they’ve been in the many weeks before. That is, everyone but Ben Roethlisberger, who put up 32 points, which ended up being nearly half of Nick’s total this week. Isaiah Crowell was the only other starter to get into double digits, and he only got ten points. Jay Ajayi (three points), Golden Tate (two points), and Jordan Howard (one point) all had terrible days. Against someone like Footballdamus, that still might’ve been enough for a win, but Taylor was uncharacteristically on fire this week. The two horseman of Nick’s apocalypse were Jamaal Williams (25 points) and Keenan Allen (23 points), while Greg Zuerlein and the Los Angeles Rams offense returned to form with 18 points. Drew Brees (14 points) didn’t have too shabby of a day against the Rams defense, either. With his back against the wall, Taylor put up his highest point total since Week 4 and kept himself alive for a possible playoff spot. Despite being 4-8, Taylor is in with a win and a loss by C’s Champion Team, provided I don’t win my own matchup while also going on a bizarrely high scoring run. However, we all know that is incredibly unlikely to occur, because it would mean something positive would have to happen for me in fantasy football. 

STANDINGS

THE STANDINGS THAT MATTER:

1. WRs-R-Us (9-3) *
2. The Krispy Kritters (8-4) *
3. Greater Fools (8-4) *
4. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (8-4) *
5. 49ers (6-6)
6. Wild Hogs (6-6)
7. Lord Sandwich (6-6)
8. C’s Champion Team (5-7)
9. Footballdamus (5-7)
10. Jop Suey!!! (4-8)
11. Birds of War (4-8)
12. Dixie Normous (3-9) e

* = clinched a playoff spot. 

e = eliminated. We got all the way to Week 12 before someone got eliminated. Yay, parity!

SCORER STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (9-3)
2. The Krispy Kritters (9-3)
3. WRs-R-Us (8-4)
4. Greater Fools (7-5)
5. Wild Hogs (7-5)
6. Birds of War (7-5)
7. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (6-6)
8. C’s Champion Team (6-6)
9. Jop Suey!!! (5-7)
10. Lord Sandwich (5-7)
11. Footballdamus (1-11)
12. Dixie Normous (1-11)

COMBINED STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (17-7)
2. The Krispy Kritters (17-7)
3. 49ers (15-9)
4. Greater Fools (15-9)
5. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (14-10)
6. Wild Hogs (13-11)
7. Birds of War (11-13)
8. Lord Sandwich (11-13)
9. C’s Champion Team (11-13)
10. Jop Suey!!! (9-15)
11. Footballdamus (6-18)
12. Dixie Normous (4-20)

POINTS LEADERBOARD:

1. WRs-R-Us (1195.30)
2. 49ers (1190.82)
3. The Krispy Kritters (1166.28)
4. Greater Fools (1111.26)
5. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (1048.26)
6. Wild Hogs (1034.80)
7. Jop Suey!!! (1023.72)
8. Birds of War (998.58)
9. Lord Sandwich (967.48)
10. C’s Champion Team (946.86)
11. Footballdamus (819.26)
12. Dixie Normous (797.48)

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

The second-longest consecutive QB start streak in NFL history will be broken on Sunday. The New York Giants have decided to bench Eli Manning in favor of Geno Smith against the Oakland Raiders. However, unlike Brett Favre and Peyton Manning’s streaks, this one won’t be stopped by injury. Manning, two-time Super Bowl champion and Super Bowl MVP, is not injured. Rather, it will end due to assholes and incompetence. 

Manning’s entire WR corps (including Odell Beckham, Jr., Brandon Marshall, and Dwayne Harris) have basically been out for the season for months. His offensive line has given up the eighth-most sacks in the entire NFL. His defense is terrible. Even so, Manning and thrown fewer interceptions than guys like Ben Roethlisberger, Matt Ryan, Dak Prescott, Cam Newton, Russell Wilson, and Derek Carr. In other words, despite his bad rap, Manning is definitely NOT the problem in New York. Still, 2-9 is 2-9, and for whatever reason Ben McAdoo decided to make the swap. Here’s the thing: if you want to bench a future Hall of Fame QB who’s started 200+ straight games, there’s got to be a less callous way of doing so than what the Giants did with their best offensive player in history.

What they did was tell Manning that they’re going to let Smith and rookie Davis Webb play a lot, but that he can still start the games to keep the streak alive. In other words, they basically told him he’s a lame duck QB. So, Manning made the heartbreaking decision to let the streak end because it wouldn’t feel like he’s earned the starts. That decision nearly killed him. I mean, look at him talking about it afterwards. That’s fucking sad. I know the NFL is a business and these kinds of decisions are never easy, but come on.

Reaction to the move and how it happened has been pretty damn unanimously harsh towards the Giants, with former players saying some very not kind things about McAdoo and team owner John Mara. I mean, when Kurt Warner goes off on you, you fucked up. Personally, I’m with them, especially because this change and turmoil means a greater chance for a Raiders win. Watch them fuck it up anyway.

Speaking of the Raiders…

Aqib Talib is a little pussy ass bitch motherfucker. Fuck that double chain-grabbing, PED-using, eye-poking, shooting-himself-in-the-leg asshole. I’m glad Missouri kicked the shit out of Kansas in 2007 to block the Jayhawks from playing for a spot in the BCS Championship Game. Fuck that guy.

Anyway, thank God Michael Crabtree is only suspended for one game. Oakland will be without Crabtree and Amari Cooper for the Giants game, but they’ll both probably be back for the must-win game against the free-falling Kansas City Chiefs. A win would likely give the Raiders the lead in the AFC West, and possibly set up a division title showdown with the Los Angeles Chargers in Week 17 (assuming Oakland doesn’t get the shit kicked out of them by the Dallas Cowboys and Philadelphia Eagles). 

As for those two teams, let’s check out the exciting NFC playoff race.

The Minnesota Vikings got a huge road win over the Detroit Lions, and the Los Angeles Rams picked themselves up and surprisingly snapped the New Orleans Saints’ 8-game winning streak. Meanwhile, Dallas and the Green Bay Packers might be done, while the Washington Redskins and Arizona Cardinals might join them with another loss. 

Here’s the slate for Week 13:

Redskins @ Cowboys, Vikings @ Falcons, Panthers @ Saints, Rams @ Cardinals, Eagles @ Seahawks

Oh fucking fuck yes. This is gonna be awesome! 

However, these teams should savor the flavor of kicking ass right now, because there was a disturbance in the force. It was a disturbance not felt since the mid-90’s, and it came from the Bay Area…

The San Francisco 49ers got shellacked by the Seattle Seahawks, but 49ers fans are happier than they’ve been all season because of what happened in the final 67 seconds. With QB C.J. Beathard forced to leave the game due to injury, the man, the myth, the legend, the promised franchise savior, Jimmy Garoppolo, entered the game. All he did was complete all two of his passes, convert a 4th down, throw a TD pass, and make all 49ers fans cream their panties. This might be because of the 49ers’ terrible stretch of passers recently, but Jimmy G looked better than anyone who’s been under center since San Francisco went to the Super Bowl. So, was that a flash in the pan in garbage time, or is Jimmy G actually the second coming of Jesus Christ? Looks we’ll find out this week. 

The Garoppocalypse has begun.

However, as one era begins, another ends. Former Raiders RB Darren McFadden announced his retirement just two days after being released by the Dallas Cowboys. McFadden, of course, was the star player who couldn’t stay on the field due to injuries. He also scored a TD in the only Raiders game I have been to in my life so far, so there’s a special place in my heart for him. Plus, he also helped provide one of the few bright spots during the dark days (AKA the last 15 years). Thanks for everything, Run-DMC!

HIGHLIGHTS

ACTUAL FOOTBALL:

• Case Keenum makes a great play action fake and hits Kyle Rudolph for the score, but the Lions block the ensuing extra point.
• Matt Stafford and Ameer Abdullah screw up the hand-off and the Vikings recover the ball.
• Keenum barrels in for the TD and hosts a Thanksgiving feast in the endzone.
• Everson Griffen sacks Stafford and then asks the crowd what he should name his newborn.
• Keenum avoids pressure and drops a dime to Rudolph for his second TD.
• Double coverage doesn’t mean shit to Marvin Jones.
• Xavier Rhodes seals the game with an interception.
• The Lions block a Vikings field goal and appear to tie the game, but Darius Slay is correctly called offside on the play, negating the score.
• Melvin Ingram drops Ryan Switzer behind the line of scrimmage.
• Philip Rivers hits Travis Benjamin for a 42-yard bomb.
• Tyrell Williams hangs onto the pass for the score.
• Keenan Allen avoids a shit ton of Cowboys for a 42-yard TD.
• Desmond King gets hit first career interception and returns it 90 yards to the house.
• Jamison Crowder makes a sweet one-handed catch for the first down.
• Janoris Jenkins ties the score with a pick six.
• Josh Doctson catches the game-winner with only a few minutes to play.
• Mohamed Sanu throws a bomb to Julio Jones for the TD.
• Jones jukes the life out of a defender before making the catch and diving for the pylon.
• A.J. Green holy fucking shit.
• Marcus Mariota drops a dime to Delanie Walker in the middle of four defenders.
• Albert Wilson jukes the shit out of a defender on the TD.
• Tre White seals the game by intercepting Alex Smith.
• Robby Anderson makes a great snag for the score.
• Anderson gets away from defenders for a 54-yard TD.
• Luke Kuechly scoops up the fumble and runs it into the endzone.
• Kaelin Clay makes a nice spin move on the 60-yard punt return TD.
• Carson Wentz is a Jedi.
• Nelson Agholor flips into the endzone.
• The New England Patriots successfully run a fake punt on their first drive of the game.
• Rashad Jones picks up the fumbled snap and takes it in for the TD.
• Alvin Kamara takes it 74 yards to the house.
• Kamara breaks like seven tackles on this play.
• The New Orleans Saints get one of the more unusual interceptions you’ll ever see.
• Navorro Bowman FINALLY gets the Oakland Raiders their first interception of the year.
• Cordarrelle Patterson seals the game with a 54-yard catch and run.
• Blaine Gabbert hits Jaron Brown for a 52-yard TD.
• Calais Campbell picks up the fumble and runs it into the endzone.
• Phil Dawson walks off the Jacksonville Jaguars.
• Bobby Wagner straight up rips the ball away.
• The entire first drive of Jimmy Garoppolo’s San Francisco 49ers career.
• Jamaal Williams takes it 57 yards to the house.
• Davante Adams makes defenders miss on the 55-yard TD.
• Blake Martinez picks off the tipped pass.
• Chris Boswell walks off the Green Bay Packers.
• Javorius Allen bulldozes his way into the endzone.
• Sam Koch throws a dime to pick up the 1st down on a fake punt.
• Terrell Suggs strip sacks Tom Savage.

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Rob Riggle debuts a Thanksgiving-themed Humble remix.
• Saxophonist Mike Phillips opens Vikings-Lions in style.
• A Yoda impression Troy Aikman does.
• White people dot gif
• Case Keenum got a taunting penalty for this.
• Drew Kaser warms up in order to fill in for the injured Nick Novak, but misses the kicking net a yard in front of him. The Chargers went for it on 4th and 13 from the 20 right after this.
• The Chargers do… I’m not entirely sure what they do actually… after yet another Dak Prescott interception.
• A pair of kids dress up as the Giants coaching staff.
• A turkey puppet makes a cameo during the Giants-Redskins game.
• The Redskins drop a punt inside the 10-yard line, but Pete Robertson carries the ball into the endzone, resulting in a touchback.
• Red Light! Green Light!
• Julio Jones puts the dagger in m̶e̶ Justin Hardy.
• Zay Jones is a smooth criminal.
• Albert Wilson and Tyreek Hill aren’t sure who’s supposed to catch the ball.
• This Jets fan knows the drill.
• Kenjon Barner drags his teammate away from a punted ball.
• Alshon Jeffery goes bowling.
• The Eagles defense breaks out the electric slide.
• Brutal collision during the Patriots-Dolphins game.
• Brandin Cooks rides Gronk like a horsey (SFW).
• “There’s a dope on the field.“
• Bobby McCain punches Danny Amemdola in a prelim fight for Crabtree-Talib 2.
• Speaking of, here’s Crabtree-Talib 2.
• Paxton Lynch cries like a bitch on the sidelines.
• Blaine Gabbert really loved beating his old team.
• This Joe Flacco graphic. I… uh… what?
• Brandon Williams shows his Irish side.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• You remember the 87-yard fumble by Louisiana Tech that set up a 3rd and 93 and a punt on 4th and Goal? Well, nearly a dozen weeks later, a true challenger for Worst Play of the Year has finally emerged. Down 27-17 to FIU late in the 3rd quarter, Western Kentucky sent out their punt unit on 4th down at the 50-yard line. The Hilltoppers called some sort of fake, but it didn’t quite work out. So, P Jake Collins decided to run for it. The degree to which it did not work out has to be seen to be believed. Collins dodges one defender, but then gets tripped up and stumbles down to the ground. Because a runner is down the second he hits the ground, FIU would’ve gotten the ball at the Western Kentucky 38-yard line, which is bad enough. However, Collins also fumbled the ball on his way down.The ball gets batted around for a few seconds before D’Vonte Price picks it up and runs it into the endzone for the Golden Panther TD. The game was basically over at that point, because how the hell do you come back from something like that? The New York Jets had a better shot at beating the New England Patriots after the Butt Fumble. Anyway, which play do you guys think was worse? My vote’s for the Hilltoppers’ epic fuck up.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Mohamed Sanu: best QB in the NFC South?

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 30, 2015, the Cleveland Browns proved they are the masters at finding heartbreaking ways to lose. Hosting the 3-7 Baltimore Ravens in a rare Monday Night Football appearance, the 2-8 Browns had the perfect chance to shine in the spotlight. After Cleveland kicked a walk-off field goal for a 33-30 OT win in Baltimore the month before, fans were eager to see their current team clinch a season sweep over the former Browns. The Ravens were limping into the matchup, with Matt Schuab forced to start in place of an injured Joe Flacco. However, the Browns found themselves trailing 27-20 late in the game. But, Austin Davis drove Cleveland down the field and hit Travis Benjamin for a 42-yard TD with 1:47 to play. After a pair of three-and-outs, Tramon Williams picked off Schuab in Baltimore territory with less than a minute to go. The Browns got the ball closer and set up Travis Coons for a game-winning 48-yard field goal with three seconds left. However, Coons’ kick was blocked by Brent Urban. The ball bounced towards the sidelines and was picked up by Will Hill, who tiptoed the sidelines and took the kick all the way into the endzone for a walk-off “kick six.” The ending piled onto the ongoing misery of Cleveland and reminded us, no matter how awful things may seem for the Bills or Vikings or Chargers or Indians or Mariners or Padres or Kings or Clippers or Maple Leafs, no one can make losing an art form quite like the Cleveland Browns.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1998 — Exxon and Mobil sign a $73.7B agreement to merge, creating ExxonMobil. It was also approved by the FTC exactly one year later.
• 1982 — Michael Jackson’s Thriller is released worldwide. It would become by far the highest-selling album of all time.
• 1962 — The greatest athlete of all time, Bo Jackson, is born.
• 1957 — Whose Line Is It Anyway? actor Colin Mochrie is born.
• 1954 — The Hodges meteorite crashes through the roof of a home in Sylacauga, Alabama, and hits a napping woman in the head. This is the only documented case in the Western Hemisphere of a human being hit by a rock from space.
• 1931 — Pioneer NFL head coach Bill Walsh is born.
• 1929 — Iconic TV personality Dick Clark is born.
• 1934 — The Flying Scotsman becomes the first steam-powered locomotive to reach 100 m.p.h.
• 1874 — British Prime Minister Winston Churchill is born.
• 1872 — England and Scotland face off in the first ever international soccer match. Shockingly, it ends 0-0.
• 1835 — Renowned author Mark Twain is born.
• 1782 — Representatives from Great Britain and the U.S. meet to draft the Treaty of Paris, which would end the American Revolutionary War.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy National Mason Jar Day! Mason jars have several practical and vital uses, not including as an unnecessary decorations for millennials and beer glasses at hipster bars. 

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Nick: $40

Tyler G: $40

Kyle: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Taylor: $40

Chriss: $20

Jimmy: DIDDLY SQUAT

Riez: JACK SHIT

Richard: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

WILD HOGS (6-6) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (5-7)

Can C’s Champion Team complete its incredible late season charge by knocking off Wild Hogs? Alex Smith is going to have to play much better against the New York Jets than he has been lately. Sure, Chriss has been winning in spite of Smith’s bad streak, mostly due to incredible play from Sammy Watkins, Kenny Stills, and the Philadelphia Eagles defense. However, Amari Cooper’s production will likely be missed with the WR probably out with a concussion. As for Jimmy, Matt Stafford will be facing the tough Baltimore Ravens defense. But, that’s the only poor-looking matchup for his starters. Antonio Brown, Carlos Hyde, Christian McCaffrey, and the Los Angeles Rams defense should all have big days. Plus, Jimmy can avoid some scoring from Smith if the points also go to Tyreek Hill, who, too has been in a bit of a slump lately. Jimmy should already be set in the playoffs, but one more win would clinch the berth for sure. However, Chriss likely needs to win to assure himself a spot in the postseason. 

JOP SUEY!!! (4-8) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-7)

If C’s Champion Team trips up, the winner of this matchup could very well grab the final playoff spot. Footballdamus had been comfortably in the postseason picture for most of the season, but luck has finally turned around and dropped Riez down to ninth place. Meanwhile, Jop Suey!!! still had a shot to make the playoffs, despite being in a slump for most of the season. Drew Brees and Jared Goff should light up the scoreboard, so the end result should come down to the rest of the lineup. The Baltimore Ravens defense has been money for Riez, but Mike Evans, Michael Thomas, Evan Engram, and C.J. Anderson need to step it up. Will Fuller, meanwhile, needs another big game, one he hasn’t had since Deshaun Watson went down for the season. As for Taylor, it’s the same for Larry Fitzgerald, Keenan Allen, and Stefon Diggs, who’ve been either hot or cold, and almost never hot at the same time. Both teams need a win to have a chance at the playoffs, with Taylor having the tiebreaker on points scored.

49ERS (6-6) VS. WRS-R-US (9-3)

It’s a showdown between two teams who have just fucked me over by deciding to transform into the 2007 New England Patriots against me. As mentioned earlier, WRs-R-Us has been in an uncharacteristic scoring drought against other teams than me. The slump has loosened Kyle’s once iron-like grip on the top seed in the playoffs, and he could lose it altogether with another loss. Kareem Hunt and Marcus Mariota have not played well and will need to change that tempo, while Melvin Gordon and Alshon Jeffery must keep doing work. The Jacksonville Jaguars defense should also have a big day against the Indianapolis Colts. The 49ers, meanwhile, just dropped 135 points, and Russell Wilson, Julio Jones, Todd Gurley, and Gronk look like they’ll keep scoring this week. If Jimmy Graham and Latavius Murray also get hot for Gee, this could turn into a good old fashioned shootout. Or, neither team could top 70 points just to spite me even further. I guess what I’m trying to say is, fuck both of you guys.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (8-4) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (8-4)

The Krispy Kritters keeps losing players (Ezekiel Elliott, Robert Woods), but also keeps on scoring. In fact, Richard has been hitting his stride just as Kyle’s been fading, closing the once-huge scoring gulf to just 30 points and giving Richard a shot at the top overall seed. Can he keep it up one more week? Well, Kirk Cousins looks ready to take advantage of a slumping Dallas Cowboys defense and DeAndre Hopkins is still DeAndre Hopkins. However, Mohamed Sanu, Ameer Abdullah, and Tevin Coleman are each facing tough defenses this week. Plus, Coleman might have to battle for carries with a potential Devonta Freeman return. Richard’s New England Patriots defense is also playing the Buffalo Bills, AKA Fred Sanford (Dummy)’s entire team. Seeing as Brian lives and dies with the Bills’ performance, a matchup with the Pats does not bode well for his chances for victory. Alvin Kamara and Travis Kelce could catch fire, but it might not be enough, unless Dez Bryant actually scores this time.

LORD SANDWICH (6-6) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (3-9)

Lord Sandwich is basically in the playoffs, though it’s unclear what position they’ll finish in. Ewing is currently in seventh, but could drop to eighth with a loss and a strong performance by C’s Champion Team. A first round matchup against either WRs-R-Us or the Krispy Kritters is unenviable. But, a win could also move Ewing up in the standings and into a more comfortable matchup. However, Dak Prescott has been playing like absolute shit and Tyler Lockett and Marvin Jones are facing tough defenses. Mark Ingram can’t carry a team by himself, and considering the Atlanta Falcons and Minnesota Vikings are playing each other, either Adam Thielen or the Falcons defense will suffer. Still, a win is likely, considering Ewing is going up against the last place Dixie Normous. Nick just basically has to hope Ben Roethlisberger goes off again and the Lions-Ravens game unexpectedly turns into a shootout. Still, Nick’s pulled off some big upsets before, so why shouldn’t he look for one more to close things out.

BIRDS OF WAR (4-8) VS. GREATER FOOLS (8-4)

Because of how things turned out this past week, I’m basically screwed. I have to hope both Taylor and I win, while Birds of War scores at least 25 points more than Jop Suey!!!. That’s the only way I can make the playoffs, and even those odds just got longer because of Michael Crabtree’s suspension. Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks essentially have to go gangbusters against the Buffalo Bills, while Carson Wentz, LeVeon Bell, and Leonard Fournette all have to suck for Greater Fools. I’ve had so much bullshit go against me this year that everything could go right for me this week and I’d still be out of the playoffs because Matt Bryant got injured on the kickoff or Orleans Darkwa tripped on an untied shoelace or Jarvis Landry decided to leave football to become a minister or something. Whatever. I know I’m done, but that’s not gonna stop me from going out guns blazing. I’ve taken down Dad once already. All I ask is that I finish off the sweep. Birds of War never say die.

ONE LAST THING

While watching Monday Night Football out of the corner of my eye at work, I caught a glimpse of the Houston Texans’ kicker, Ka’imi Fairbairn. He’s got an interesting background. He grew up in Honolulu, played soccer, was teammates with DeForest Buckner in high school, won the Lou Garza award at UCLA, and became the all-time leader in points scored in Pac-12 Conference history. He went undrafted in 2016, but signed with the Texans anyway. After missing all of last season with an injury, we won the starting job for the Texans and has done pretty well so far, making 12 of 14 field goal attempts, including a 50-yarder. But, that’s not why I looked him up. It’s because I saw a graphic with his full name on it.His given name is John Christian Fairbairn, but he goes by his middle name, Ka’imi, to honor his Hawaiian heritage. Rather, he goes by the abbreviated version of his middle name, shortened by like 80%. 

You know how some Hawaiian words are long as hell? Well, we’ve got a whopper here. Fairbairn’s full middle name is Ka’iminoeauloameka’ikeokekumupa’a. That’s 29 letters and three fucking apostrophes in one name. Like, holy shit. His middle name alone has six more letters than my full name, Ruben Steven Dominguez II, has characters. 

T.J. Houshmandzadeh sounds like Dan Smith in comparison. I have no idea how you’d research this, but that has to be the longest name of any NFL player in history. As for trying to pronounce it, good fucking luck. You’ve got a better shot at pronouncing the Welsh village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch correctly. 

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

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