Ruben's Writings

First off, sorry this is coming out a day late. I had everything done but the picture edits, which I was going to take care of yesterday. However, I got a text from one of my executive producers saying I had to come in from noon to 6 p.m. I wasn’t close to my computer at the time, so that didn’t leave me with enough time to get it done. That won’t happen again.

I mean, I could’ve taken care of it when I got off work, but I had other plans last night. Plans that involved a female. Like… a date. I had a date last night. No, I’m being serious. I’m not just making an excuse. I actually caught lightning in a bottle and went out on a date last night. And it went well, very well in fact. So, yeah… holy shit.

Anyway, some of these segments are now dated (no pun intended), so just pretend it’s yesterday when you read them.

PLAYOFFS, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

(cue theme music)

Back-to-back 90’s kid TV show themes! If you grew up during the era and didn’t watch Dragon Ball/Dragon Ball Z on Toonami, you didn’t have a childhood. 

Eight warriors have survived the grueling 13-game season to clinch a spot in the Playoff Tournament. Some powered their way through the competition, while others are looking more battered and bruised than those left behind. Let’s meet our eight playoff contenders!

Kyle, as the top seed, has earned the right to be shopped onto the head of the strongest protagonist in the Dragon Ball saga. Like Goku, Kyle usually comes out on top, even if some of his guys have bad days or he’s down big late in the week. But, he always finds another new power up or some other deus ex machina bullshit happens and he wins. Kyle especially likes this pic because it looks like he has hair.

Dad survived a tough beginning (and an ass whooping by his own son) to storm into the second seed. While he’s obviously got a pretty strong team, his form can change from week to week, just Buu’s. He can look like a badass, or some harmless little kid. Either way, he still packs a punch. By the way, there’s no added insult intended by picking this form of Buu to edit Dad’s face at all. None. I swear.

The way Brian builds his team (all Bills all the time) everything has to go perfectly for him to have a big game. But if it does, watch out, because the end result is as terrifying as Perfect Cell. The defending champ finished the regular season in third place, despite starting 0-2. If you win nine out of eleven games, you must be doing something right. Watch out for a potential repeat. It would be the first in league history.

Arguably the franchise’s most iconic villain, Frieze was so powerful he never had to train a day in his life. This is much like Richard, who had one of the league’s highest scoring teams, despite not actually drafting his guys (or even being in the league at the time of the draft). Still, a fourth place finish without some key guys towards the end hints at even greater power lying in store.

Back in the old days of the show, Piccolo was one of the strongest characters. With each passing saga, he became or of a gauge to see how strong new villains were based on how badly they kicked his ass. Much like Jimmy, who isn’t as strong as in years past. However, like Piccolo, he can still make it rough on anyone he faces, as exemplified by his performance in the regular season finale.

Not gonna lie, I picked Vegeta for Ewing just so I could make fun of his receding hairline. LeBron James lookin motherfucker. Anyway, despite being able to put up a decent amount of points, Ewing more often than not wins because he happens to play low scoring teams on a week-by-week basis. Vegeta, one of the most powerful and badass characters, usually wins not on his own merit, but because Goku bailed everyone out.

Gohan could be the most powerful character in the entire saga. He has unlimited potential inside, which decimates pretty much anyone who crosses his path. However, he more often than not fails to reach that high level, for various reasons. Gee, meanwhile, is in seventh with a losing record despite putting up the second most points in the league. Can Gee finally reach his potential in the playoffs?

5-8 and in the playoffs! Hot damn. Taylor gets to be Master Roshi for a number of reasons, not just because their head shapes and hairlines are virtually identical. Roshi’s appearance is much like Taylor’s form during the regular season: a small, weak old man. However, whenever Taylor’s team gets its shit together, he becomes the muscle-bound giant Roshi does when he fights. Which form will it be in the playoffs?

So… how did we get here?

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

WILD HODS (7-6) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (5-8)

135.32 – 70.26

All C’s Champion Team had to do to clinch an incredible postseason appearance was win. They had their chance and they blew it! More accurately, Wild Hogs simply scored so many points, it was impossible for anyone else to win. Welcome to my world over the past two weeks, Chriss. Jimmy had FOUR different players score 20+ points, and only three scored in single digits. Tyreek Hill led the way by exploding for 30 points. Rex Burkhead of all people scored 22 points, while the Los Angeles Rams defense threw down 21 points and Cam Newton put up 20 points of his own. Shit, if Jimmy just lined up with Hill, Burkhead and the Rams, he still would’ve won. Antonio Brown’s 16 points and Christian McCaffrey’s decent day were just window dressing. Vernon Davis’ one-point stinker was an afterthought. Meanwhile, Chriss didn’t exactly get a balanced contribution. Actually, he did, but it was largely a shitty balance. When Blake Bortles (25 points) is your top scorer by far, you’re gonna have a bad time. Justin Tucker (17 points) was the only other player that scored double digits. In fact, Chriss had more starters put up goose eggs than double digits. Amari Cooper (who was out, by the way, you dumbass), Randall Cobb, and Jared Cook were those guys in case you were wondering. The Philadelphia Eagles defense only put up two points themselves, virtually ending any chance Chriss had of a comeback. With Chriss falling, the door was open for the winner of the next matchup to step into the eighth and final playoff spot. Who would it be?

JOP SUEY!!! (5-8) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-8)106.86 – 81.80

After being in a playoff spot from basically Week 2 through Week 12, Footballdamus’ luck finally turned on them, leaving them on the wrong side of the playoffs. Riez was never good at putting up points (second fewest only to Dixie Normous), but got some wins due to fortunate matchups. However, his run couldn’t continue once his opponents finally started scoring, which Jop Suey!!! did more than enough of. Six of Taylor’s nine starters finished in double digits, and only two failed to surpass eight points. Jamaal Williams (18 points), Keenan Allen (16 points), Larry Fitzgerald (15 points), and Drew Brees (14 points) all had solid days, while Greg Zuerlein capped off an incredible season with 17 more points. In fact, Taylor tied the league record for most points from Ks in a regular season (which, unbelievably, I owned). Now, Riez did have a decent spread of well-performing starters. Jared Goff and the Baltimore Ravens defense each put up 16 points, while Evan Engram (15 points), Michael Thomas (13 points), and C.J. Anderson (who finally had a solid game with 11 points) making good contributions. However, he was let down by starting the injured Will Fuller, as well as Javorious Allen (two points), Mike Evans (three points), and Jake Elliott (four points)’s poor days. But, while Riez was out, Taylor wasn’t in. In fact, the door was now open for me! Despite all of my shortcomings this season, all I had to do was win and outscore Taylor by 35 points and I’d be in the playoffs! Sure, it’s a tough task, but not too tough for my players, right?. 

GREATER FOOLS (9-4) DEF. BIRDS OF WAR (4-9)

93.52 – 57.22

Well… shit. Congrats, Taylor, you paper bitch. I guess the Birds of War decided to have its absolute worst performance of the season during the most important week. Actually, I’m not surprised, considering my absolute shitty luck this season. I still technically had a chance going into the Monday Night game, but I needed Joe Mixon to outperform LeVeon Bell. What happened? Well, Bell put up 24 points for Greater Fools, while Mixon got KTFO (more on that later) and left after only getting me four points. In the end, Dad FINALLY got revenge for the ass whooping I gave him earlier in the year. Carson Wentz had a good day with 17 points, while Leonard Fournette (13 points) and the Los Angeles Chargers defense (11 points) both made solid contributions. Devante Adams (four points), as well as Austin Hooper and Kai Forbath (two points each) all had bad days, but would’ve been fucking superstars for my team this week. After two weeks of putting up good points but having matching up with the two highest scorers that week, Despite losing the number one overall pick in Week 1 and the his replacement three weeks later due to injury, I was still in it until the end. I just needed a solid performance, and I got shit. Two points from LeGarrette Blount and Brandin Cooks. Four points from the New Orleans Saints defense. Only one player (Matt Bryant) even scored in double digits. My fucked up season was complete when my MVP candidate QB, Tom Brady, didn’t even score double digits in the most crucial game of the year. Et tu, Brady? Then fall Ruben.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (9-4) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (8-5)

96.80 – 83.34

Those were the matchups that really decided the final playoff spots. The rest were all about positioning. The one with by far the biggest impact on the top of the standings was this one, and it had a somewhat surprising result. The Krispy Kritters had climbed the rankings with ferocity, scoring a shit ton of points to make it up to second place and withing a hair of WRs-R-Us on top of the scoring standings. Fred Sanford (Dummy), meanwhile, goes with the flow of the Buffalo Bills, who didn’t exactly have the greatest game in the world, getting curbstomped by the New England Patriots. Tyrod Taylor got hurt and only put up four points. Stephen Hauschka only put up four points, which was the same as Jamison Crowder and one more than the Pittsburgh Steelers defense got. So, what happened? Brian won by double digits, obviously. Alvin Kamara, who might be a literally saint for Brian at this point, threw down 24 points, while the human asshole Travis Kelce dropped 21 points of his own. Dez Bryant and Devin Funchess (12 points each) had nice games, while an actual Buffalo Bill (LeSean McCoy) somehow had a decent game against the Pats. As for Richard, Nelson Agholor’s 20 points were wasted with Ameer Abdullah’s injury and goose egg, as well as poor days from Danny Amendola (three points) and Tevin Coleman (four points). In fact, Richard lost by a greater magin than the difference between his QB (Kirk Cousins)’s point total and Brian’s, which is just bizarre. Now, Richard gets knocked down to the fourth seed and into a potential semifinal matchup with Kyle. 

WRS-R-US (10-3) DEF. 49ERS (6-7)

97.30 – 94.08

Speaking of WRs-R-Us, a season-long spot on top of the standings was suddenly in jeopardy after two bad performances. Meanwhile. the 49ers had scored with such abandon that this matchup pretty much would decide the top scoring team on the season. So, what happened? Well, like he has all year, Kyle came up clutch. Marcus Mariota finally had a good game again, putting up 18 points. The Jacksonville Jaguars defense had a decent week with 12 points. Still, Kyle found himself down heading into Monday Night. However, A.J. Green went to work on the Pittsburgh Steelers, putting up 19 points, just enough for Kyle to pip Gee at the buzzer. This sort of thing has been the theme of the season for Gee, who, despite scoring more points than everyone but the top-seeded Kyle, had matchup nightmare after nightmare and ended up in the seventh seed. This, despite a great day from Russell Wilson (24 points), as well as good games from Todd Gurley (15 points) and both Gronk and the Denver Broncos defense (14 points each). While Kyle had a solid yet somewhat unspectacular day, Gee got either spectacular or shitty from each of his starters. Julio Jones only got two points, the same as Demaryius Thomas and Matt Prater. Now, THAT is some terrible luck. In the end, like he’s done for more than half of his matchups, Gee did enough to win, but didn’t. Now, he has to play the second-seed Greater Fools in the first round of the playoffs. What a treat. Still, at least he’s in the playoffs. It could be worse (see above).

LORD SANDWICH (7-6) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (3-10)

88.38 – 63.80

Or, actually, see below, because this is the official end of one of the worst seasons any team has had in league history. Dixie Normous went out with a whimper, fittingly, with only two starters (Ben Roethlisberger and Mike Wallace) putting uo double digits. In fact, Jordan Howard, Jay Ajayi, Tyler Kroft, Isaiah Crowell, and Brandon McManus all ended up with fewer points combined (17) than Roethlisberger put up (19). When Big Ben throws up like six TDs to Antonio Brown, that’s usually a good thing, but in this case it was a recipe for disaster. Meanwhile, Lord Sandwich had a solid day, with Mark Ingram and Beast Mode putting up 18 points each, while Dak Prescott finally returned to form with 14 points of his own. You know, for all the shit I give Riez about being the beneficiary of favorable matchups despite putting up so few points, Ewing has flown under the radar with similar weekly performances. I mean, Ewing scored as many points as I did, and he’s got three more wins. What kind of bullshit is that? Another detail to add to the terrible, no good, awful luck season I had. Will this lack of scoring doom Ewing in the playoffs? Well, unlike Riez, Ewing has shown ability to actually score a lot of points on occasion. Can he do it for three straight games? I’m not sure. Meanwhile, the other 11 members of the league need to meet up to come up with an adequate punishment for Nick, whose 3-10 record means a last place finish this year! Speaking of, Chriss, we’re STILL waiting on that makeup pic. 

FINAL STANDINGS

THE STANDINGS THAT MATTER:

1. WRs-R-Us (10-3) *
2. Greater Fools (9-4) *
3. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (9-4) *
4. The Krispy Kritters (8-5) *
5. Wild Hogs (7-6) *
6. Lord Sandwich (7-6) *
7. 49ers (6-7) *
8. Jop Suey!!! (5-8) *
9. C’s Champion Team (5-8) e
10. Footballdamus (5-8) e
11. Birds of War (4-9) e
12. Dixie Normous (3-10) e

* = clinched a playoff spot. 

e = eliminated. 

SCORER STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (10-3)
2. WRs-R-Us (9-4)
3. The Krispy Kritters (9-4)
4. Greater Fools (8-5)
5. Wild Hogs (8-5)
6. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (7-6)
7. Birds of War (7-6)
8. Jop Suey!!! (6-7)
9. C’s Champion Team (6-7)
10. Lord Sandwich (5-8)
11. Footballdamus (1-12)
12. Dixie Normous (1-12)

COMBINED STANDINGS:

1. WRs-R-Us (19-7)
2. The Krispy Kritters (17-9)
3. Greater Fools (17-9)
4. 49ers (16-10)
5. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (16-10)
6. Wild Hogs (14-11)
7. Lord Sandwich (12-14)
8. Jop Suey!!! (11-15)
9. Birds of War (11-15)
10. C’s Champion Team (11-15)
11. Footballdamus (6-20)
12. Dixie Normous (4-22)

POINTS LEADERBOARD:

1. WRs-R-Us (1292.60)
2. 49ers (1284.90)
3. The Krispy Kritters (1249.62)
4. Greater Fools (1204.78)
5. Wild Hogs (1170.12)
6. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (1145.06)
7. Jop Suey!!! (1130.58)
8. Lord Sandwich (1055.86)
9. Birds of War (1055.80)
10. C’s Champion Team (1017.22)
11. Footballdamus (901.06)
12. Dixie Normous (861.28)

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

Well… that didn’t exactly work out, did it? One week after unceremoniously benching the second-best player in franchise history, Ben McAdoo is no longer the head coach of the New York Giants. McAdoo and GM Jerry Reese were both let go after the Geno Smith-led Giants lost to the Oakland Raiders (despite Oakland’s best attempts to blow the lead). Interim head coach Steve Spagnuolo has already named Eli Manning the starting QB once again, so Manning’s incredible consecutive starts streak was basically broken for no reason at all. Man, the Giants really fucked this whole thing up. I hope Manning splits and gets picked up by the Jacksonville Jaguars (Tom Coughlin reunion, anyone?) or some other non-Denver Broncos team that is a QB away from being a Super Bowl contender. I’d love for Eli to get one more ring so he will forever have more rings then Peyton. John Mara and the Giants don’t deserve Eli Manning anymore. They’ve been trying to get credit for every little success possible while making scapegoats out of people for terrible decisions they’re ultimately responsible for.

Speaking of…

Roger ain’t going anywhere, boys. The commissioner will remain in place for at least the next five years, thanks to a new $200M contract extension. This, despite issues such as concussions, player safety, drugs, and the whole taking a knee thing. Plus, there’s still the inconsistent punishment levied, in terms of suspensions regarding big hits, conduct, and safety. Good thing this new deal didn’t come in the wake of a week where a lot of that happened.

… right. Anyway, did you guys see this?

Apparently John Elway didn’t give Adam Gase a glowing recommendation to other teams, so Gase dropped an onside kick on the Denver Broncos while up by 24 points. God, I love anyone shitting on Denver. Way to go, Gase! 

Anyway, let’s check on the wild NFC standings.

Here are the games this week:

Saints @ Falcons, Vikings @ Panthers, Eagles @ Rams

Yes please. But, we’re not quite done with standings yet! While the AFC East and AFC North are basically over, the AFC South and AFC West races look like they’ll come down to the wire!

Let’s hope the Tennessee Titans and Jacksonville Jaguars have the same record over the next three games, because the two will meet in the regular season finale. Meanwhile, all three teams atop the AFC West will play each other again, starting this week with the Oakland Raiders and Kansas City Chiefs. Oakland pretty much needs to win in Kansas City to have a shot at the playoffs. Getting Michael Crabtree (and maybe Amari Cooper too) back while the Chiefs lose Marcus Peters definitely helps. Let’s hope the end result is a repeat of what happened last time.

HIGHLIGHTS

ACTUAL FOOTBALL:

• Ryan Switzer returns the punt 83 yards for the TD.
• Dez Bryant makes a leaping TD catch.
• Josh Doctson answers with one of his own.
• David Irving knocks the shit out of Kirk Cousins.
• Cousins somehow gets this pass off to Jamison Crowder.
• Joe Flacco hits Mike Wallace for a 66-yard bomb.
• Eric Weddle hits Matt Stafford and knocks the ball loose for a turnover.
• Latavius Murray turns nothing into a 30-yard gain.
• Julio Jones lays out Andrew Sendejo.
• Tyrod Taylor thinks Eric Lee is still on the Bills.
• Dion Lewis caps a 44-yard run with a nasty stiff arm.
• Kyle Van Noy sacks Taylor for a massive loss.
• Alex Smith keeps it for a 70-yard run.
• Smith hits Tyreek Kill for the 79-yard TD.
• Hill burns the Jets defense again for a score.
• Kyler Fackrell blocks a punt, which the Packers recover.
• Dean Lowry picks up the fumble and takes it 62 yards for the TD.
• Lowry sacks Jameis Winston for a 14-yard loss.
• Aaron Jones walks off the Buccaneers.
• Tarik Cohen goes the w̶r̶o̶n̶g̶ right way for a 61-yard punt return TD.
• Jimmy G takes a big hit, but connects with Louis Murphy, who the Bears for some reason hold up like Superman.
• Kyle Fuller takes the ball from Murphy for Jimmy G’s first career interception.
• Jimmy G hits Trent Taylor to set up the eventual game-winner.
• DeAndre Hopkins makes a great toe tap catch.
• Tom Savage hits Braxton Miller for a 57-yard gain and nearly a score.
• Savage converts a 4th and 19 late in the game.
• Derrick Henry puts the game away with a 75-yard TD.
• The Jaguars successfully run a fake punt for a 1st down.
• Keelan Cole makes a nice TD catch.
• Marqise Lee has to do this to catch a Blake Bortles pass.
• Kenny Stills makes a bobbling catch.
• Xavien Howard picks off Trevor Siemian and takes it back to the endzone.
• The Dolphins block a Broncos punt.
• Justin Simmons gets his own pick six on Jay Cutler.
• Saints backup QB Taysom Hill gets a tackle on special teams.
• Mark Ingram rumbles 72 yards downfield.
• Hill makes a SECOND tackle on special teams.
• A.J. Klein bursts through the middle and drops Cam Newton for a 13-yard loss.
• Alvin Kamara dodges defenders for the TD.
• Josh Gordon makes his first NFL reception in three years.
• DeShone Kizer rolls out right into Joey Bosa’s path, which is a terrible idea.
• Gordon shows he still has it on a 39-yard catch.
• Alec Ogletree picks off Blaine Gabbert and takes it back to the endzone.
• BEAST MODE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
• Bruce Irvin powers through blockers to drop Orleans Darkwa behind the line of scrimmage.
• Irvin forces a fumble, which the Raiders recover.
• Cordarrelle Patterson makes a great special teams tackle.
• Khalil Mack strip sacks Geno Smith and recovers the ball himself.
• Johnny Holton makes a great toe tap catch.
• Patterson takes the screen pass and zooms down the field for a 59-yard gain.
• Evan Engram makes a nice one-handed catch.
• Carson Wentz fumbles into the endzone for a touchback.
• Mike Davis breaks the ankles of half of the Eagles defense.
• Tyler Lockett hits the circle button for a big gain.
• Wentz throws a 51-yard bomb despite having a defender all over him.
• Russell Wilson uses a “lateral” to make a huge gain.
• Doug Baldwin burns Rodney McLeod and nearly scores.
• A.J. Green jukes the shit out of Coty Sensabaugh for the TD.
• Bengals defenders think LeVeon Bell goes out of bounds, but he doesn’t. Instead, he goes into the endzone untouched, until he takes part in a wrestling pin celebration.
• Bell runs over Dre Kirkpatrick to convert the 4th down.
• Chris Boswell walks off the Bengals.

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• The Redskins line up with 13 men on defense.
• “That’s a half of a half of a half.“
• Dez Bryant makes a Bill Belichick face while up 24-7.
• “False start, offense, everyone but the center.“
• Matt Judon misses his alarm.
• It’s a tug of war on the Ravens these days.
• Pam Oliver casually dodges Devonta Freeman as he runs out of bounds.
• Alex Mack takes a flag to the face.
• Jerick McKinnon does the Dirty Bird in Atlanta.
• Tom Brady and Josn McDaniels have a domestic on the sidelines.
• A fan cherishes catching the flag thrown into the stands by Marcus Peters.
• Allen Bailey takes an ass to the face.
• Can this Marcus Mariota pineapple jersey please be a thing?
• Jeff Allen gets called for three false starts in a row.
• Ladies…
• The Broncos want to recreate their super bowl magic, but chose the wrong game.
• Panthers P Mike Palardy drops the ball and is unable to salvage the play.
• Alvin Kamara has hops.
• Sean Payton might have just birthed a new meme.
• A Browns fan pulls money out of her bra.
• Eli Manning adjusts to being a backup QB.
• Beast Mode and Cordarrelle Patterson make Johnny Holton do push-ups for fumbling the ball on his TD catch.
• Russell Wilson is literally a one-man band.
• Has anyone ever seen Carson Wentz and Prince Harry in the same room?
• “I hope you cry tonight, you pussies!“

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Early in the 4th quarter of the Big Ten Championship Game, Wisconsin RB Chris James barreled into the endzone to cut the Ohio State lead to 24-19. They would go for two and get it, making the score 24-21. However, those two points came about 15 minutes of real time later. What happened? Well, the turf sort of… blew up during the TD. With millions watching and waiting for action to resume, only one man could save the day: Lucas Oil Stadium Field Manager Eric Harlow, who went out to repair the damage with nothing but a bucket of rubber pellets and his bare hands. FOX made the great decision to keep the camera on Harlow during the entire time it took to fix the turf, making for absolutely gripping TV (certainly better than Clemson’s ass whooping of Miami in the ACC Championship Game) and thrusting Harlow into internet stardom. Soon, it was discovered that not only Harlow (now affectionately dubbed “Turf Guy”) has a bachelors degree in turf grass management from Purdue, but that turf grass management is a thing you can actually major in. In addition, Harlow also used to be a groundskeeper for both the Philadelphia Phillies and Washington Nationals. Fun fact: I once had to be the assistant for Pacific’s head groundskeeper during a softball tournament. That shit is no joke. Groundskeepers only get like 1% of the respect and recognition they deserve. Turf Guy definitely did his fellow field managers proud. By the way, that’s the first and probably the last time Purdue is represented at the Big Ten Championship Game.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Merriam-Webster defines “schadenfreude” as “enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others.” Example sentence: as an Oakland Raiders fan, I am experiencing a severe case of schadenfreude at the misery of the Denver Broncos.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 7, 1941, the Imperial Japanese Navy bombed the U.S. Naval Station Pearl Harbor. The day was also the last of the 1941 NFL regular season, with three games being played. The Cardinals were hosting the Bears in an all-Chicago matchup, the Bronx battle between the New York Giants and Brooklyn Dodgers was taking place, and the rival Washington Redskins and Philadelphia Eagles were squaring off. When news of the attack made its way to the mainland, the PA announcers at Comiskey Park and the Polo Grounds told all servicemen in attendance to report to their units. At Griffith Stadium, high-ranking military personnel at the game were told to head to their offices. The very next day, the U.S. officially entered World War II. Meanwhile, the games had to be finished. The Redskins held on to beat the Eagles 21-14, while the Dodgers topped the Giants 21-7. The Bears, who were down 14-0 at one point, came back to beat the Cardinals 34-24 and force a one-game playoff with the Green Bay Packers for the Western Division title. The Bears beat their arch rivals 33-14 and then whooped the Giants in the 1941 NFL Championship Game 37-9. With the whole World War II thing going on, there were only 13,341 fans in attendance, the fewest ever for an NFL title game.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1982 — Charles Brooks, Jr. becomes the first person to be executed by lethal injection in the U.S.
• 1973 — Future HOF WR Terrell Owens is born.
• 1972 — Apollo 17, the last Apollo moon mission, launches. After leaving Earth, the crew on board take the famous Blue Marble photo.
• 1970 — Rube Goldberg, famous inventor of ridiculous machines, dies.
• 1963 — Instant replay makes its debut during the Army-Navy game.
• 1956 — Basketball legend Larry Bird is born.
• 1930 — W1XAV in Boston transmits the first TV commercial in U.S. history, an ad for I.J. Fox Furriers.
• 1869 — American outlaw Jesse James commits his first confirmed bank robbery, in Gallatin, Missouri.
• 1787 — Delaware becomes the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
• 43 BC — Rome’s greatest politician, Cicero, is assassinated.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy National Cotton Candy Day! Some fun facts about cotton candy: it dates back to the 1400’s, it’s also called “spun sugar” and “fairy floss,” and one of the guys who helped invent the first ever cotton candy-spinning machine in 1897 was a dentist. Maybe he was the inspiration for this guy. #KND

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Nick: $40

Tyler G: $40

Kyle: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Taylor: $40

Chriss: $20

Jimmy: DIDDLY SQUAT

Riez: JACK SHIT

Richard: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

FIRST ROUND PREVIEW

1. WRS-R-US VS. 8. JOP SUEY!!!

Well Taylor, you made it into the playoffs despite having a 5-8 record. Your reward: Kyle. Good fucking luck. WRs-R-Us has absolutely killed it all season, and they look prepped to put up even more points this week. Marcus Mariota faces a down Arizona Cardinals defense, While A.J. Green, Melvin Gordon, and Dion Lewis also have matchups against bad defenses themselves. Kareem Hunt is playing the Oakland Raiders defense, which, as a Raiders fan, is terrifying. However, Kyle’s Jacksonville Jaguars defense could struggle against Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks. As for Taylor, his starting lineup is filled with players locked up in some of those key NFC matchups I mentioned earlier. Drew Brees, Davonta Freeman, Stefon Diggs, and the Minnesota Vikings defense will all have a say in games that could decide the NFC playoff picture, as well as this first round matchup. Still, Kyle hasn’t done too well recently, and Taylor can put up big numbers. Is the upset alert activated? Possibly… 

4. THE KRISPY KRITTERS VS. 5. WILD HOGS

Last week, the Krispy Kritters could’ve had a chance at the top overall seed. Now, Richard’s in the four-five matchup against Wild Hogs, who have been largely feast or famine this season. But, much like in real life, when Jimmy feasts, he can put a hell of a lot down. Matt Stafford is facing the terrible Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense and should go for plenty points. Tyreek Hill is facing the Raiders, which is actually more terrifying than Hunt. Antonio Brown is Antonio Brown. Still, Jimmy might not get a big contribution from his Los Angeles Rams defense, which is facing the high-flying Philadelphia Eagles. Richard, meanwhile, has made an incredibly bold move, benching Kirk Cousins in favor of Josh fucking McCown at QB. He’s also left Mohamed Sanu on the bench in favor of Danny Amendola and Nelson Agholor. Will those decisions come back to bite Richard in the end? It might, especially if DeAndre Hopkins, Tevin Coleman, Tarik Cohen,, and the New England Patriots defense can’t back him up.

3. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) VS. 6. LORD SANDWICH

We’ve got a Ewing Bowl in the first round! It should be a good one, partially because it features a clash of New Orleans Saints RBs. Mark Ingram (Lord Sandwich) and Alvin Kamara (Fred Sanford [Dummy]) have been killing it this season, but whoever kills it more against the Atlanta Falcons could tip the scales in this matchup early. But, both teams could easily recover from a bad start. Brian’s Buffalo Bills are playing the Indianapolis Colts, which should mean a shit ton of points. Dez Bryant is also going up against the hapless New York Giants and Travis Kelce is facing the Raiders, which, you know, terrifying. Ewing, meanwhile, mad Marvin Jones, Jordy Nelson, and Adam Thielein in potentially explosive matchups. Ewing may have beaten his old man during the regular season, but this one is what really counts. Ewing is also defending the honor of the sons, who are 2-1 so far against their older generation this year. A win would make it 3-1, while a loss would tie the season series at 2-2. Come on, Ewing. Do it for the young fellas. 

2. GREATER FOOLS VS. 7. 49ERS

This should be one high scoring game, considering it’s the only matchup between teams who put up over 1200 points on the season. Both are led by MVP candidate QBs, Russell Wilson (49ers) and Carson Wentz (Greater Fools), who both should tally big points again this week. But, the backbone for both teams has been the RB position, which might be spineless this week. For Dad, LeVeon Bell and Leonard Fournette are facing the tough Baltimore Ravens and Seattle Seahawks defenses, respectively, this week. Meanwhile, Todd Gurley (Philadelphia Eagles) and Latavius Murray (Carolina Panthers) won’t exactly be running through tissue paper for Gee, either. It’ll probably come down to the aerial attack this week for both teams. However, this means Gronk’s suspension is even bigger for Gee, who now has to turn to… Jimmy Graham? That’s not even a negative at all. Seriously, Gee? You were bitching about not getting another piece at the trade deadline despite being the deepest team in the league. Screw off.

(WARNING: NEXT SEGMENT IS NSFW)

ONE LAST THING

Bills fans are weird. There’s no other way around it. Maybe it’s the cold weather that makes them have a strange obsession with jumping onto foldable tables, or decide to powerbomb dummies or have a sword fight with pepperoni sticks or display their hatred of Tom Brady in unusual ways. Their latest thing, apparently, is throwing dildos onto the field. During last season’s home game against the Patriots, someone threw the above dildo onto the field during a play. It became a bit of a story, with Gronk answering posgame questions about it, because if anyone’s going to get asked a question about dildos, it’s Gronk. This past week, the Bills and Patriots met in Buffalo for the first time since dildogate. Guess what happened? Bills fans threw ANOTHER dildo onto the field during the game. The best part was how play kept going with no one noticing a fucking dildo (heh) on the field. I guess it was because this one wasn’t some giant cartoon looking thing like the first one. So, should we set the clock for the completion of the dildo trilogy for next year? Meanwhile, we still have to address the whole throwing a dildo onto the field during an NFL game thing. I know #BillsMafia is in a class of its own, but this seems a little much, even for them. Brian, as our resident Bills fan, I need you to answer this question on behalf of your brethren: what the fuck?

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness