Ruben's Writings

STAR WARS. 

STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS. 

STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS.

STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS. 

STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS. 

STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS. 

STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS. 

STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS. 

STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS. 

STAR WARS.  

(cue theme music)

FIRST ROUND RECAP

8. JOP SUEY!!! DEF. 1. WRS-R-US

85.34 – 81.86

DOWN GOES NUMBER ONE! After setting the league on fire, scoring more points than anyone else, and claiming the top overall seed in the playoffs, WRs-R-Us failed to make it out of the first round, falling to Jop Suey!!!, who had half as many wins during the regular season. In the ultimate ironic twist, Kyle would have won by using a WR as his flex player instead of a RB. Josh Gordon, left on the bench, scored 12 points, six more than Dion Lewis did. That alone would’ve overcome the difference. Then again, if Marcus Mariota didn’t play like shit and only put up five points, or A.J. Green finish with more than four points, we might not be in this situation. A 19-point return to form from Kareem Hunt (19 points), as well as good days from Melvin Gordon (14 points), Alshon Jeffery, and Hunter Henry (11 points each) were completely wasted. Meanwhile, Taylor was completely hit-or-miss, with Cameron Brate (one point), the Minnesota Vikings defense (three points), and Larry Fitzgerald (four points) being the major misses. But, when he hit, Taylor hit well. Jamaal Williams brought home 23 points, while Drew Brees put up 18 points and Devonta Freeman added 15 points of his own. In the end, Kyle still could’ve won had Lewis hit his original point projection. Instead, the Miami Dolphins smacked the New England Patriots and sent Kyle to the consolation bracket (which I’m not writing about, because who gives a shit?). Now, arguably the greatest rookie season in Epic League history is confined to the realm of what could have been, while Taylor, unbelievably, moves on.

5. WILD HOGS DEF. 4. THE KRISPY KRITTERS

90.84 – 61.34

This was by far the least interesting first round matchup. The Krispy Kritters put up the third most points in the entire league during the regular season, but put up the fewest out of all of the eight playoff teams. Part of that can certainly be attributed to Josh McCown’s season-ending injury, which took Richard’s QB out of the picture with a negative contribution. Part of that certainly can’t be attributed to DeAndre Hopkins, who showed up big time with 24 points, the most out of any player in the matchup. The problem? Wild Hogs had the next four highest scorers, while Hopkins was the only player for Richard to even eclipse double digits. When Tarik Cohen (eight points) is your second-highest scorer, you’re gonna have a bad time. Delaine Walker (four points), Tevin Coleman (three points), and the New England Patriots defense (two points) all had particularly disappointing days. Meanwhile, Jimmy got solid contributions from nearly all of his starters (Giorgio Tavecchio was the only one to finish with fewer than five points). Those next four highest scoreres? That would be Antonio Brown (21 points),Matt Stafford (17 points), Carlos Hyde (13 points), and the suddenly rising Rex Burkhead (11 points). That’s how you win a playoff game. But, don’t tell that to the bottom half of the bracket. Though Taylor and Jimmy are through to the next round, they would be eliminated if we advanced the top four scorers only, because they all came from the next two matchups. This means we’ve got a pair of pretty pissed off losers down below, and they’re both Tylers. 

3. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) DEF. 6. LORD SANDWICH

100.70 – 96.38

After a season largely filled with low scores, Lord Sandwich largely got its shit together and finished with one its highest totals of the season. Dak Prescott finally returned to pre-Ezekiel-Elliott-suspension form with a whopping 26 points, while Harrison Butker (17 points), Adam Thielen (16 points), and Beast Mode (12 points) all had nice days. However, Ewing, for whatever reason, didn’t see that Zach Ertz was out with a concussion, meaning a goose egg from his TE position. Would that come back to bite him in the ass? Yes. Yes it would. Fred Sanford (Dummy) kept it somewhat close thanks to LeSeason McCoy’s 21 points, Jameis Winston’s 16 points, Dez Bryant’s 13 points, and Devin Funchess’ 11 points. They certainly made up for Alvin Kamara, who had an uncharacteristically sucky two points. Heading into Sunday Night Football, which featured his beloved Baltimore Ravens against the hated Pittsburgh Steelers, Ewing had a 15-point lead over his dad, with only Chris Boswell remaining for Brian. What happened? Well, this battle of two defensive titans turned into a shootout instead, which meant the Steelers’ K saw a lot of action. Still, Ewing was up by less than a point with only three minutes left. That’s when Pittsburgh scored and sent Boswell to make an extra point, which doomed Ewing. Boswell later booted the game-winning field goal, killing Ewing’s real life team in addition to his fantasy team. I sympathize with you, Ewing. Wait a minute… (sees Jonathan Stewart’s 28 points and Alex Collins’ 22 points on the bench). Nevermind. You did this to yourself. 

2. GREATER FOOLS DEF. 7. 49ERS

136.54 – 132.74

I’m instead redirecting my sympathies to Gee, because holy shit. I though my fantasy football luck was bad. Somehow, the 49ers must’ve walked under a ladder in front of a black cat while holding an open umbrella indoors and breaking a mirror at the same time. How the hell do you put up 132 points and lose? I mean, Todd Gurley (25 points), Russell Wilson (24 points), Kenyan Drake (19 points), the Denver Broncos defense (18 points), Demaryius Thomas (15 points), and Giovani Bernard (13 points) all had stellar days. In fact, only one player scored fewer than seven points. But, that one bad mark proved costly, although who would’ve thought the football universe would pick now for Jimmy Graham to have his first game all season without registering a catch? In fact, Graham’s goose egg would’ve been left on Gee’s bench had Gronk not gone full caveman and gotten suspended for hitting that Buffalo Bills guy on the ground. I’m sure Gee won’t be bitching about that fact at all. Gee would’ve won had he been playing literally anyone else (the next highest score was 30 points fewer than his total). But, Gee played the one, Greater Fools, who finished with 136 points thanks to great days from LeVeon Bell (30 points), Carson Wentz (28 points), Davante Adams (20 points), Leonard Fournette (17 points), and Doug Baldwin (13 points). That’s the way the cookie crumbles, Gee, as shitty of a way to crumble it is. Meanwhile, I owe Dad this one for making him Majin Buu’s fat ass last week. I don’t know if Brian wanted to play Gee in the semi-finals, but if he did, this was his reaction to what happened.

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

Best team in the NFL? MVP candidate QB? Having Carson Wentz tear his ACL is the most Philly thing that could’ve happened. 

Meanwhile, it’s been a bad week for Eagles QBs, current and former.

Anyone surprised Warren Sapp is a part of this? I don’t know what’s a bigger clusterfuck, this or the ending of the Seahawks-Jaguars game.

I hate the Seahawks, but fuck those fans. Just because you pay to get into a game doesn’t mean you can do whatever the hell you want once you get inside. 

The surprising end result (a Seattle loss) was one of a few games that shook up the NFC playoff standings.

This week: Packers @ Panthers, Rams @ Seahawks.

The result also flipped the top of the AFC South standings.

Let’s not check the AFC West standings. The Oakland Raiders are fucked. That’s really all you need to know.

Yesterday, Tommy Nobis, the first ever player drafted by the Atlanta Falcons, died at the age of 74. Nobis played his entire career on terrible Falcons teams in the ’60’s and ’70’s, so that’s why, like me, you never heard of him until how. Reading up on his career (from college to the pros) and what his contemporaries had to say about him, Nobis was a fucking badass who would’ve been remembered in the same breath as Dick Butkus had he been on good teams. As a rookie, Nobis finished with 294 tackles in 14 games. That’s about 21 per game. The highest mark by a rookie since was Luke Kuechly, who had 195 in two more games. The fact that Nobis isn’t in the Hall of Fame and if he does get elected will get there posthumously is a disgrace. This man is a legend. R.I.P. Mr. Falcon. 

HIGHLIGHTS

This shit takes way too fucking long, so I’m condensing it.

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

• Atlanta Falcons 20 – 17 New Orleans Saints
• Kansas City Chiefs 26 – 15 Oakland Raiders (fuck this game)
• Dallas Cowboys 30 – 10 New York Giants
• Chicago Bears 33 – 7 Cincinnati Bengals
• Buffalo Bills 13 – 7 (OT) Indianapolis Colts
• Carolina Panthers 31 – 24 Minnesota Vikings
• Detroit Lions 24 – 21 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 
• San Francisco 49ers 26 – 16 Houston Texans
• Green Bay Packers 27 – 21 (OT) Cleveland Browns
• Denver Broncos 23 – 0 New York Jets
• Arizona Cardinals 12 – 7 Tennessee Titans
• Los Angeles Chargers 30 – 13 Washington Redskins
• Jacksonville Jaguars 30 – 24 Seattle Seahawks
• Philadelphia Eagles 43 – 35 Los Angeles Rams
• Pittsburgh Steelers 39 – 38 Baltimore Ravens
• Miami Dolphins 27 – 20 New England Patriots

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• “The fuck? What are we doing?“
• Sean Payton and Drew Brees go on a lunch date.
• Skycam swag.
• Payton yells “choke” on the sidelines.
• Dak Prescott forgets his helmet and wears a beanie in the huddle.
• Eli Manning gets a standing ovation from the home crowd.
• Bills players get hyped during warmups.
• The Bills field crew clears the snow.
• The Colts punt gets stuck in the snow.
• Pat McAfee, ladies and gentleman.
• Josh “Deal with It” Gordon.
• Derek Watt takes out three guys on a block.
• Blair Walsh brings up the graphic.
• Dede Westbrook does… something after scoring the TD.
• “Motherfucker let’s go!“
• Randy being Randy.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• We nearly had the upset of the century in the FCS last weekend. Undefeated James Madison (winners of 24 straight games) were trailing Weber State 28-20 with three minutes left in the 4th quarter of their quarter-final matchup in the FCS playoffs. But, not only did the Dukes manage to drive the length of the field, score, and get the two-point conversion to tie the game, but they also got the ball back with enough time to go downfield and kick a 46-yard field goal as time expired. Hot damn! Don’t let anyone ever tell you that non-FBS football isn’t exciting.

STAT OF THE WEEK

If I had somehow made the playoffs, Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks would’ve combined for just 15 points. I can’t escape the bad luck even when I’m fucking eliminated.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 14, 1997, the Pittsburgh Steelers and New England Patriots met in a game that would effectively decide the No. 2 seed in the AFC. In a back-and-forth game, the defending AFC champs were up 21-13 with 2:10 left to play and the Steelers were without any time outs. Facing a 3rd and 7, Drew Bledsoe attempted a pass to Dave Meggett, but it was intercepted by Kevin Henry in New England territory. Given an unbelievable gift, Pittsburgh was able to score, tie the game with a two-point conversion and win 24-21 in OT. True to prediction, Pittsburgh finished as the 2 seed and earned a bye. In a rematch, the Steelers beat the Patriots in a 7-6 “thriller,” only to lose to the eventual Super Bowl Champion Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship Game. Had Bledsoe not fucked up on that 3rd down, would New England have won, gotten the 2 seed, beaten Pittsburgh in the playoffs, and stopped John Elway from earning a ring? Maybe not, but it’s still a good reason to hate all of the teams involved. 20 years later, things haven’t changed a damn bit.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2012 — 28 people (including the gunman) are killed during the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting.
• 1972 — Eugene Cernan becomes (as of this writing) the last person to walk on the moon.
• 1962 — NASA’s Mariner 2 becomes the first spacecraft to fly by Venus.
• 1955 — Albania, Austria, Bulgaria, Cambodia, Ceylon, Finland, Hungary, Ireland, Italy, Jordan, Laos, Libya, Nepal, Portugal, Romania, and Spain join the United Nations.
• 1940 — Plutonium is first isolated inside a lab at Berkeley.
• 1911 — Road Amundsen’s expedition team becomes the first to reach the South Pole.
• 1903 — The Wright brothers first attempt to fly with the Wright Flyer in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. They would become airborne for the first time three days later.
• 1819 — Alabama becomes the 22nd U.S. state.
• 1799 — President George Washington dies.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy World Monkey Day! I’m going to celebrate by managing a fantasy football league full of a dozen big, dumb, hairy apes. Oh wait, I’m already doing that.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Nick: $40

Tyler G: $40

Kyle: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Taylor: $40

Chriss: $20

Jimmy: THE AMOUNT OF SANE PEOPLE WHO THINK THE PREQUELS ARE BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY

Riez: THE NUMBER OF DIE-HARD JAR JAR BINKS FANS

Richard: THE PERCENTAGE OF SAND PEOPLE/YOUNGLINGS ANAKIN DIDN’T KILL

SEMI-FINAL PREVIEW

8. JOP SUEY!!! VS. 5. WILD HOGS

Semi-final 1 is a battle of crazy ass Oakland Raiders fans who have a combined… one Raider (Giorgio Tavecchio) in their starting lineup. Well, considering how well Oakland’s done this season (and the fact that these two are not eliminated yet), it’s been a pretty smart move. This matchup may be decided by a battle between two teams Raiders fans hate: Patriots-Steelers. Wild Hogs has been powered by Antonio Brown all season and by Rex Burkhead lately. Meanwhile, Jop Suey!!! is getting Juju Smith-Schuster back from suspension. Whether Pittsburgh or New England has the advantage might steer the direction of this matchup. As for the QBs, Matt Stafford (Jimmy) and Drew Brees (Taylor) should light it up against the Chicago Bears and New York Jets, respectively. Jimmy’s also got a couple of potentially explosive starters in Tyreek Hill and Carlos Hyde, as well as Christian McCaffrey. However, McCaffrey is going up against Jimmy’s Green Bay Packers defense, meaning any success will only be half as good. As for Taylor, Stefon Diggs, Jamaal Williams, and Larry Fitzgerald will have to step it up big time, while the Minnesota Vikings defense must go back to its normally stout self this week. A similar effort like last week against the Carolina Panthers is not going to cut it. While both teams have proven capable of lighting up the scoreboard, it hasn’t happened as often as either would’ve liked. If someone can get hot at the perfect time (what better time than now?), then this one could be over quickly.

3. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) VS. 2. GREATER FOOLS

Semi-final 2 is a classic Dad Bowl matchup, but with one big twist. With Carson Wentz done for the year, Greater Fools has to go to other options. Case Keenum has been solid for the Vikings in real like, but fantasy points and real life wins sometimes don’t match up. Sure, Keenum can go off, but he’s not a guarantee like Wentz is. Meanwhile, Dad just picked up the second coming of Jesus Christ himself, Jimmy Garoppolo, who’s facing a hit-or-miss Tennessee Titans defense this week. While Garoppolo has been the best QB the San Francisco 49ers have had since they went to the Super Bowl five years ago, he hasn’t put up the greatest fantasy stats of all time. The Keenum vs. Garoppolo debate could end up deciding this entire matchup. That is, if Fred Sanford (Dummy)’s own QB comes through. In a shockingly non-homer move, Brian currently has Jameis Winston as his starter, with the banged up Tyrod Taylor on the bench. But, Crab Legs is facing the tough Atlanta Falcons defense, so even a non-100% Taylor might be a better option. As for the rest of the lineups, Brian’s Buffalo Bills are facing the Miami Dolphins. If it’s the same Dolphins that just dicked New England, they’re in trouble. Fortunately for them, the game is in Buffalo, which means LeSean McCoy might run wild in the snow again. Still, Brian will likely need guys like Alvin Kamara, Travis Kelce, and Dez Bryant to keep up their scoring prowess in order to counter Dad’s arsenal of scorers such as Leonard Fournette, LeVeon Bell, and Davante Adams.

ONE LAST THING

Happy birthday, Chriss, ya filthy animal!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness