Ruben's Writings

It’s fucking cold outside, the days are as short as they can be, and annoying music is playing on a loop. But, we’ve got some good ‘ol fashioned football to keep us all warm during the winter. Plus, you know, all of that holiday spirit and family time and presents and shit. 

One more week until we crown a champion! LET’S FUCKING GO!

(cue theme music)

SEMI-FINAL RECAP

8. JOP SUEY!!! DEF. 5. WILD HOGS

114.10 – 83.08

For just the second time in league history, an 8-seed is headed to the Epic Bowl! Jop Suey!!! continued its incredible run by surprisingly running away from Wild Hogs and clinching its second championship game appearance in three years. How did Taylor do it? Check the bottom of his starting lineup, a place typically light on points. Devonta Freeman led the way with 25 points, while Greg Olsen and the Minnesota Vikings defense each added 17 points of their own. When you get four Drew Breess worth of points, you’re gonna have a good time. Juju Smith-Schuster’s late catch and run also gave Taylor a nice bonus, making up for disappointing days from Jamaal Williams (three points), Keenan Allen (five points), and Larry Fitzgerald (six points). Meanwhile, the injury bug took a huge chunk out of Jimmy’s lineup, most notably Antonio Brown. Jimmy’s biggest weapon had to leave the game after scoring only two points. Rex Burkhead had a decent seven-point day, but it was also cut short by an injury. It didn’t help that Carlos Hyde and the Tennessee Titans defense had only three points each. Though Christian McCaffrey (19 points), Matt Stafford (17 points), and Tyreek Hill (14 points) all had good days, the game would’ve been a lot closer had Jimmy used Cam Newton (31 points) and the Los Angeles Rams defense (17 points) instead of leaving them on the bench. Bad luck and bad choices equal a bad day for Jimmy, and a shot at another title for Taylor. To do so, he’s got to go through the guy who took the trophy from him in the first place.

3. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) DEF. 2. GREATER FOOLS

93.76 – 79.74

Fred Sanford (Dummy) may have started the season 0-2, but Brian is now headed to his second straight Epic Bowl for a shot at back-to-back titles. The Dad Bowl win over Greater Fools was largely due to his beloved Buffalo Bills stepping up big time against the Miami Dolphins. Tyrod Taylor (23 points) and LeSean McCoy (21 points) powered the engine behind Brian’s offense, while Alvin Kamara threw in a nice 14-point contribution of his own. The Bills’ defense also chipped in a ten-point performance. However, Brian’s performance certainly wasn’t flawless. Brian’s WRs (Dez Bryant and Devin Funchess) combined for just seven points, while Travis Kelce and Theo Riddick only put up four points each. Those misfires created opportunities that could’ve been taken advantage of. But, for a number of reasons, Dad couldn’t get it done. For starters, Leonard Fournette was a late scratch, and Mike Davis only scored three points in replacement. Meanwhile, both Doug Baldwin and the Los Angeles Chargers defense put up goose eggs, while Austin Hooper only got one point more. Better days from that bunch, and good performances from LeVeon Bell (22 points), Case Keenum (19 points), Marquise Goodwin (12 points), and a concussed Davante Adams (11 points) wouldn’t have been wasted. Alas, Dad’s bid for his first Epic Bowl win must wait another season (at least), while Brian looks for another perfect ending this weekend. Can his Bills give him one more good performance to help him end the season on top again?

THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES

So… holy shit. Those allegations made against Jerry Richardson must have some truth to them, because the Carolina Panthers’ founder and only ever owner is putting the team up for sale. One of the most talked-about potential buyers: Diddy. I’m not kidding. Apparently he wants to bring in Colin Kaepernick to compete for the starting QB job, despite the team having, you know, Cam Fucking Newton playing for them. This shit show isn’t gonna end anytime soon, and I can’t wait to see what unfolds.

As for the Panthers’ on-the-field performances, they’re in good position to make the playoffs after beating the Green Bay Packers in Aaron Rodgers’ unsuccessful return from injury. Here’s what the NFC standings look like with two weeks to go:

The Philadelphia Eagles and Minnesota Vikings are already in, but it’ll be a fight for the final four spots. The Atlanta Falcons, currently the 6-seed, will face the two teams ahead of them (Carolina and the New Orleans Saints) to end the season. Meanwhile, the 7-seed Detroit Lions could finish 10-6 and still not make the playoffs, which would be the most Lions thing ever (more on that later). The Seattle Seahawks and Dallas Cowboys will play each other this week, with the loser being eliminated from postseason contention (though the winner might join them as well). It should be a good finish.

As for the AFC…

The most interesting race is for the Wild Card, with the Tennessee Titans and Buffalo Bills having a slight edge on the Baltimore Ravens. However, the Titans and Bills don’t have easy schedules, so their grasps on the final two playoff spots are far from certain against the Ravens and Los Angeles Chargers. Meanwhile, the only three teams that are in for certain are the New England Patriots (shocker), Pittsburgh Steelers (ditto), and Jacksonville Jaguars (wait what?).

The Jaguars are in the playoffs. Incredible. The last time this happened, Netflix was still using envelopes. Also…

Not only are they in the playoffs, but another loss by the Steelers gives Jacksonville a shot at a first round bye, which is simply unbelievable. But, those odds are a bit higher considering the latest injury bug victim.

Antonio Brown’s injury not only fucked Jimmy’s chances of winning last week, but Pittsburgh’s as well. Amazingly, arguably the best WR in the NFL going down for the rest of the regular season wasn’t the biggest story to come out of this game.

Ah yes, another day, another catch that isn’t a catch. Also, another controversial call that benefits the Patriots. Personally, I don’t think it was a catch, but based on other plays I’ve seen where it’s ruled a TD because the ball went across the goal line I also think it should’ve been called for the score. Whatever, screw both of these teams.

Speaking of controversial referee decisions.

(WARNING: RANT INCOMING)

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! How in the everloving fuck did it come down to using a fucking PIECE OF PAPER to give a critical 4th down measurement (shockingly) against the Oakland Raiders? First off, the ball was short. Ray Charles could fucking see that. Even if it was even, if you have to use a piece of paper to determine whether or not they got it, they didn’t fucking get it. Second, a PIECE OF PAPER? Seriously? We’re in 2017, and the technology NFL referees use to determine the most crucial call of the game between two teams fighting for the playoffs is a fucking PIECE OF PAPER. What the actual fuck? Not even like a ruler or pencil or notebook or something? For fuck’s sake. Third, if you’re going to use, again, a PIECE OF PAPER to determine levelness, don’t fold the god damn thing in half! Because the paper wasn’t folded flat, it was several times wider than if it hadn’t been folded at all. That means a huge advantage for the team trying to get the 1st down and compromises the integrity of the reason for using the paper in the first place, which was already questionable considering they were, you know, using a fucking PIECE OF PAPER to measure where the god damn ball was. Fourth and finally, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! If that shithead Gene Steratore hadn’t used something invented during the 2nd century to give the Dallas Cowboys a first down, the Raiders would’ve had the ball in Cowboys territory with five minutes to play. That’s a huge fucking difference than what happened, with Dez Bryant’s bitch ass making a catch and setting up a Cowboys field goal. This may seem biased considering I’m a Raiders fan, but how many fucking times are referees (and the NFL in general) going to screw the Raiders before we finally catch a fucking break? Jesus fucking Christ.

Even with all of that bullshit, the Raiders STILL could’ve won the game. But, we all know what happened. Honestly, Derek Carr should’ve played it smart and gone out of bounds at like the two-yard line and lived to fight another day. The Raiders would’ve likely gotten in the endzone and at worse would’ve kicked a field goal to sent it to overtime with all of the momentum. But, I’ll give Carr props for having the balls to go for the win. We praised Carr for similar moxie when it worked this season and in seasons past. It doesn’t always work, though. You take the good with the bad, as bad as this loss was. Also, if Carr ever reads this newsletter, I’ve got a question for him: when you wear a glove to be able to hold onto the ball better yet fumble the ball out of the hand wearing said glove, what are you wearing the fucking glove for?

Now, our season is basically over. This is definitely among the Top 5 worst losses I’ve ever experienced as a Raiders fan, and it might honestly be the worst. A roller coaster of a game ending with bullshit and heartbreak and all but eliminating Oakland from playoff contention. Fuck.

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

• Denver Broncos 25 – 13 Indianapolis Colts
• Detroit Lions 20 – 10 Chicago Bears
• Kansas City Chiefs 30 – 13 Los Angeles Chargers
• Minnesota Vikings 34 – 7 Cincinnati Bengals
• Baltimore Ravens 27 – 10 Cleveland Browns
• Carolina Panthers 31 – 24 Green Bay Packers
• Buffalo Bills 24 – 16 Miami Dolphins
• Jacksonville Jaguars 45 – 7 Houston Texans
• Philadelphia Eagles 34 – 29 New York Giants
• New Orleans Saints 31 – 19 New York Jets
• Washington Redskins 20 – 15 Arizona Cardinals
• New England Patriots 27 – 24 Pittsburgh Steelers
• Los Angeles Rams 42 – 7 Seattle Seahawks
• San Francisco 49ers 25 – 23 Tennessee Titans
• Dallas Cowboys 20 – 17 Oakland Raiders
• Atlanta Falcons 24 – 21 Tampa Bay Buccaneers

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Heather Cox explains how the SkyCam works.
• I think the referee got the jersey number wrong on this call.
• The R̶o̶c̶k̶e̶t̶t̶e̶s̶ Lions celebrate a TD. I see they’ve been paying attention to lessons from Boogie Down Brown.
• Tamba Hali gives Joey Bosa some pass rushing tips, because that’s what we need, a better Joey Bosa.
• Andy Dalton had a rough game.
• Joe Flacco vs. Browns QBs.
• A progression of sadness.
• “You’ve been watching film, too? That’s cool. Watch this.”
• The Packers have a speedwalking contest.
• Blake Bortles can’t even accurately high-five someone.
• I guess it’s pretty cold in New Jersey.
• Larry Fitzgerald is a good dude.
• Blaine Gabbert hits D.J. Foster in the back of the head.
• Juju Smith-Schuster reenacts his hit on Vontaze Burfict during the celebration.
• Garoppolo finds Garoppolo for a loss of six.
• Sneaky Skittle delivery for Beast Mode.
• Al Michaels farts in the announcer’s booth.
• My favorite team’s owner, everyone.
• This might be the greatest graphic I’ve ever seen.
• Raymond James Stadium turf monster claims another victim.
• A sound guy eats it, too. It’s funny because he’s fat.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Christmas is an occasion to break out many time-honored traditions, including the wearing of ironically ugly sweaters. Arkansas State WRs coach Kyle Cefalo decided the Red Wolves’ Camellia Bowl matchup with Middle Tennessee was the perfect time to rock a T-Rex sweater. His team’s in imposing black and red uniforms behind him and he’s got this freaking bright green and red sweater with a dinosaur on it. It’s hilarious, especially when the guy in the T-Rex sweater has to play peacemaker between officials and a screaming assistant coach. This isn’t the first time Cefalo has showcases his holiday spirit. During Arkansas State’s New Orleans Bowl matchup against Louisiana Tech in 2015, Cefalo, then a graduate assistant, went with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-themed choice. Try and find someone who lives Christmas more than Kyle Cefalo. I dare you.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Something something beating a dead tauntaun. Also, this would’ve been really convenient for last week’s newsletter.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 21, 1997, Detroit Lions RB Barry Sanders became just the third player in NFL history (after O.J. Simpson and Eric Dickerson) to rush for 2,000 yards in a single season. Sanders needed 129 yards against the New York Jets to hit the mark, and he got 184. Incredibly, Sanders started with only 53 yards in his first two games that year. But, Sanders then went into God Mode and had an NFL record 14 straight games with 100 yards rushing, including two 200-yard games. He also became the second player to rush for 2,000 yards in a 14-game span since Simpson. Sanders also became the first player in NFL history to rush for 1,500 yards in five seasons and the only one ever to do so in four straight seasons. Not surprisingly, Sanders was named NFL MVP, sharing the honor with Green Bay Packers QB Brett Favre. Also not surprisingly, it meant diddly squat, because the Lions lost to the Trent Dilfer-led Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the first round of the playoffs. What was surprising is that season ended up being the second-to-last of Sanders’ Hall of Fame career. The Lions, kings of wasting those kinds of careers, won only one playoff game with Sanders (in 1991). It was their first since 1957 and remains the most recent. Hug your Lions fan friends, everyone. Meanwhile, four more RBs have since eclipsed the 2,000-yard milestone: Terrell Davis (1998), Jamal Lewis (2003), Chris Johnson (2009), and Adrian Peterson (2012). 

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1995 — The city of Bethlehem passes from Israeli to Palestinian control.
• 1968 — Apollo 8 launches. It would become the first manned spacecraft to leave Earth’s orbit, reach the moon, orbit it, and return safely to Earth.
• 1945 — One of the most famous American military officers, George Patton, dies.
• 1940 — Renowned author F. Scott Fitzgerald dies. What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
• 1937 — The world’s first full-length animated film, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, debuts on the big screen.
• 1926 — One of the greatest football coaches and “I didn’t see anything” mindset keepers of all time, Joe Paterno, is born.
• 1861 — The U.S. Navy becomes the first American armed forces unit to establish a Medal of Honor.
• 1824 — The first man to identify Parkinson’s disease, James Parkinson, dies.
• 1795 — The developer of my dog, Trixie’s breed, Jack Russell, is born.
• 1620 — Pilgrims disembark from the Mayflower and set foot on Plymouth Rock.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy National Crossword Puzzle Day! The first “word-cross” appeared in the New York World newspaper on this day in 1913. Different regions have their own different style of grids. Sweden’s has to be the weirdest one. I mean, look at this shit. I’m a big puzzle guy, and I want absolutely nothing to do with that mess.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Nick: $40

Tyler G: $40

Kyle: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Taylor: $40

Chriss: $40

Jimmy: YOU

Riez: GET

Richard: COAL

EPIC BOWL VII PREVIEW

8. JOP SUEY!!! VS. 3. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY)

It’s all come down to this: the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny! This year’s Epic Bowl will be the most historic championship contest to date. The winner will become the only person with multiple Epic League titles. What’s more, this is a matchup between the past two champions. Should Jop Suey!!! come out on top, they would be the first 8-seed ever to win the whole thing. Meanwhile, a win by Fred Sanford (Dummy) means back-to-back championships, which would also be a first. Interestingly, Brian was the first 8-seed to reach the championship game (a loss, obviously). But, he finished the job last year. This year, Brian’s run has had a bit of a “Bowl” theme to it, with victories in the Ewing Bowl and the Dad Bowl in the first round and semi-finals, respectively. So, to keep up appearances (no pun intended), let’s call this matchup with Taylor the “Bald(ing) Bowl.” God, I’m gonna regret talking shit about everyone’s hairlines when mine eventually gets LeBron-esque. 

Anyway, Brian’s strategy of Buffalo Bills homerism has gotten him two straight Epic Bowl appearances and a title, so it’s hard to find fault with that approach. However, this week will be the ultimate test to that theory. The Bills, in need of a win to keep their playoff position intact, have to travel to Foxborough to face the dreaded New England Patriots, who they have a record of 3-27 against in the Brady-Belichick era. This has “shitting the bed” written all over it. The last contest between the two was a 23-3 ass-whooping in Buffalo which saw Tyrod Taylor get banged up. Tyrod’s still dealing with that injury, so his effectiveness might not be 100%, which means the Patriots can focus extra hard on stopping LeSean McCoy. That’s all bad news for Brian. Still, Brian actually won his matchup the week of that loss. That’s because his other starters, such as Alvin Kamara, Tracis Kelce, Dez Bryant, and Devin Funchess, stepped up big time. However, Kelce, Bryant and Funchess have underperformed as of late, while Kamara is facing the same Atlanta Falcons defense that just limited him to only two points two weeks ago. Brian will likely need some typically un-Bills-like luck to put up good numbers. In addition, Brian currently has the Bills defense in his lineup, while the Pittsburgh Steelers defense (which is facing the Houston Texans, who suck) is on his bench. Brian might wanna put homerism aside in this case and get the Steelers in there. 

As for Taylor, who went 5-8 during the regular season and was in 11th place two weeks before the playoffs, his run has been pretty damn incredible. After barely upsetting the top-seeded WRs-R-Us (thanks to Kyle fucking up the whole Josh Gordon thing), Taylor smoked Wild Hogs in the semifinals with the second-highest point total out of anyone last week (second to Kyle, funny enough). However, Taylor’s charge could be derailed by a couple of key injuries. Greg Zuerlein, the league’s highest-scoring kicker, is out for the season with back problems. Zuerlein is (as of this writing) still in the starting lineup, so get a new K, Taylor! Meanwhile, Keenan Allen should be good to go this week after hurting his own back last week. But, it’s never a guarantee until someone actually steps on the field (see Leonard Fournette’s surprise scratch). So, Taylor has a decision to make: start Allen and risk him missing the game, or move Juju Smith-Schuster up to the second WR spot and put someone like DeMarco Murray in the flex instead? It might not matter if Drew Brees, Devonta Freeman, and Greg Olsen ball out again. The Chicago Bears defense is facing the winless Cleveland Browns, so they’ll probably be a big boost. That’s something neither Jamaal Williams or Stefon Diggs provided last week. Should they both can step it up on the big stage, it could give Taylor the edge he needs to cap off his historic playoff march.

This season has been a hell of a ride. There have been emerging superstars, catastrophic injuries, surprises, disappointments, and amazing finishes. In the Epic League, we’ve seen a newcomer dominate, last year’s runner-up fall hard from grace, and the top three highest-scoring teams lose in the first round. Now, the first ever championship battle between former title winners will determine who takes home the crown and the bragging rights, trophy, and $350 that come with it. This should be a fun ending! 

ONE LAST THING

This is the moment, the exact second it happened. With 9:30 to play in the 4th quarter of the Monday Night Football between the Atlanta Falcons and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, an ESPN microphone picked up arguably the greatest accidental sound bite in NFL history. I’m honestly not sure were they place these mics on the field or if some mic’d up players are catching it or if they’re in the SkyCam or if the ones on the sidelines are powerful enough to pick up the sound, but I’m sure as hell glad it got captured.

Matt Ryan, upset with the way Mohamed Sanu lined up in the formation, told him to correct his position so the play can be properly run. Actually, what he said was…

“GET FUCKING SET!!!“

I love everything about this. First off, that’s about as crisp nat sound as I’ve ever heard on a broadcast. There was no hiding what happened. Everyone heard that, especially the commentators, who have to take a pause afterwards. Sean McDonough’s reaction (“Ryan not happy with the alignment”) and his way of throwing it to John Gruden by asking him if he spoke like that on the sidelines are hilarious. Also, right after Ryan shouts, you can see Julio Jones raise his hands up like “What did I do? I’m lined up correctly!” before seeing Sanu get set right next to him. Plus, Ryan is still clearly bitching at Sanu after the play, which actually makes sense considering the Falcons only got a few yards on the play. The response to this has not disappointed, with someone even making a remix featuring a low key sick beat. I’m honestly considering naming my team “Get Fucking Set” next season.

This whole scenario is glorious, and it reminds me of some other amazing accidental sound pick-ups during games. In no particular order…

• “I’M NOT THE MIKE!” (Spoiler: he was)
• “Green 19. Green 19–OH FUCK!“
• “GOD DAMN IT, DONALD!” (I actually caught this one live)
• “WHOA THERE, MOTHERFUCKER!“
• This whole sequence by Mike Mitchell

Right now, it’s between “GET FUCKING SET,” “WHOA THERE, MOTHERFUCKER,” and this clip of Brent Burns and Bobby Ryan getting hit with a puck and screaming “AW FUCK” seconds apart for my favorite accidental sports sound bite of all time. Hey, I finally worked hockey into the newsletter! Merry Christmas, everyone!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness