I’ve paid my dues (unlike some of you)…
time after time…
After a long, long season…
I’ve done my sentence… but committed no crime…
Filled with ups and downs and plenty of injuries…
And bad mistakes… I’ve made a few…
And a few questionable waiver wire pickups…
I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face…
A champion has finally been crowned…
But I’ve come through!
So gentlemen, please say congratulations to…
(on and on, and on, and on)
ME!
I am the champion… my friends…
Yes, you read that correctly.
And I’ll keep on fighting ’til the end…
No, that’s not a typo.
I am the champion…
No, I’m not crazy.
I am the champion…
Well, I mean I am, but not in this case.
No time for losers…
No seriously, I won it all.
‘Cause I am the champion… of the world!
You’re damn right, I am.
Obviously, I went 3-0 before my season erupted into a ball of fire and burnt to the ground in the Epic League. I did not win the Epic Bowl this year (don’t worry, Brian, we’ll get to that later). But, when it comes to fantasy football, I can’t put all of my eggs into one basket. I’ve got too much football love to give! In addition to the Epic League, I took part in two other leagues this year, with different degrees of success. So, let’s take a look into the Twilight Zone, at… other leagues.
After a year of absence (our previous commissioner left for those bastards at ABC 10), I revived our Nightsiders League at FOX40. After winning the most recent version of the league in 2015, I had to defend my title. In a reversal of the Epic League, I started 0-3 and was in last place. However, I then went on a tear, winning six of my next seven games and put myself in a position where one more win would send me to the playoffs. But, just like in the Epic League, my season then burst into flames. I lost my last three games and finished as the 9th place team in a league with an eight-team playoff. So, that sucked.
However, this is not a story about that failure. You see, as I was recruiting teams for the FOX40 Nightsiders League, one my of coworkers, Justin, invited me to take part in another league that he was starting with his friends. It was called The Kumate, which I know, Bloodsport fans, is spelled wrong. I said yes anyway, but I had no idea that this league would be a challenge on a level I’ve never before encountered. In addition to being a 14-team league (which I had only done a few times before), this league did not include a team defense. Instead, we would draft individual defensive players: three DLs, two LBs, and three DBs. In addition, each team would be limited to picking up and dropping just three players per week. I think Gee, Taylor, and Kyle would have an aneurysm if I put that rule into place (don’t worry, not gonna happen). To cap it off, it was a $50 buy-in, with 3rd place getting their money back, the runner-up claiming $150, and the champion winning a whopping $500 grand prize. So, this was some serious shit I was getting into.
The season did not start well. In fact, I went 0-2 and got my shit kicked in. I also lost my 1st round draft pick, Odell Beckham, Jr., just five weeks in. But, I regrouped and fought back, picking up wins and navigating that stupid three player per week rule until, unbelievably, I found myself in the playoffs as the 6-seed with an 8-5 record. After getting revenge for a loss earlier in the season in the first round, I survived Russell Wilson’s shitty performance and won in the semi-finals to advance to the championship game. Incredibly, I found myself matched up against the very same coworker, Justin, who had not only recruited me in the first place, but also beaten me handily in the regular season. This was Frank Dux vs. Chong Li all over again. So, what happened? Well, I went Jean-Claude Van Damme on his ass.
THE KUMATE CHAMPIONSHIP RECAP
6. GLIP GLOPS DEF. 5. DIM MAK
136.69 – 131.46
Actually, it was pretty damn close. With no one Dim Mak going until Sunday, Glip Glops had the chance to build an early lead, with three Minnesota Vikings players on the roster. The opportunity was hindered a bit by Kyle Rudolph, who’s measly one catch for six yards left a big goose egg in my lineup and offered a rebuttal to the claim that Rudolph comes through in the clutch during Christmas. However, a great 15-point day from Harrison Smith (who got snubbed HARD by the Pro Bowl) put me back on track. Then came Sunday and the most crucial game of this matchup: Patriots-Bills. Justin’s QB, Tom Brady, had a bad start but came back with a pair of TDs to finish with a decent 16 points. However, one of those scores was to my RB, Dion Lewis, who also notched a rushing TD to finish with an incredible 32 points (twice as many as any other player in this matchup). It also canceled out great days from Kareem Hunt (16 points) and Carlos Hyde (13 points). Though Keelan Cole had a good 12 points, my defense stepped up big time, with Kwon Alexander (11 points) and Keanu Neal (10 points) capping off overall great seasons with solid performances in the title game. A late Atlanta Falcons run also allowed Matt Bryant to cancel out Robbie Gould’s eight-point day. Meanwhile, another chance to pad a lead went flat with Russell Wilson’s terrible first half. But, two TDs of his own left me within a few points of Justin with four players remaining (to his two) heading into Christmas Day.
Though I seemingly had this in the bag, Cameron Heyward’s nine-point game instead padded Justin’s lead, while Juju Smith-Schuster was in negative points in the 4th quarter. But, I eventually got good Juju with a late TD catch and held a seemingly insurmountable nine-point lead with both Khalil Mack and Alshon Jeffery left to play. However, things did not go according to plan. Mack only got four points, while Jeffery (who should send all his good presents back to Santa) was held without a catch for the whole game. Meanwhile, Ronald Darby was making tackle after tackle and chipping away at my lead. Then, it happened. With less than a minute to play, Darby stepped in front of Amari Cooper, picked off Derek Carr, got up, and ran into the endzone. Ball game. The Oakland Raiders lose and I miss out on $500 and a championship on one play with mere seconds left in the game. Instant Top 5 most soul-crushing loss of all time. I was stunned into silence. So, this is what Hell feels like? But, the referees looked at it and CORRECTLY ruled that Darby was down by contact, and the TD was negated. Sweet Baby Jesus, a Christmas Miracle! Though the Philadelphia Eagles would kick a game-winning field goal, sending the Raiders to ANOTHER heart-breaking loss in an incredibly painful and disappointing season, when the clock finally hit 0:00, I was once again a fantasy football champion, and $500 richer. Merry Christmas to me. Also, Dion Lewis should be canonized. Praise be.
THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES
I’m sorry, but that just looks wrong. I might put $10 on James Harrison sacking Ben Roethlisberger to win the AFC Championship Game for the New England Patriots over the Pittsburgh Steelers. That would be both depressing and hilarious, partly because you know that’s going to be the matchup that decides the AFC title, unless another team pulls a huge upset in the Divisional Round.
Anyway, let’s check out the standings…
The Patriots/Steelers will be 1/2, the Jacksonville Jaguars will be 3, and the Kansas City Chiefs will be 4. The wild cards are a bit more complicated. The Baltimore Ravens’ path is clear: win and they’re in. The rest of the scenarios are a little more complicated.
If the Raven’s lose, they’ll still make the playoffs with losses by either the Tennessee Titans or Buffalo Bills. The Titans are in with a win or losses by both the Bills and the Los Angeles Chargers. The Chargers, meanwhile, have to win while the Titans lose and either the Bills lose or the Ravens win. The Bills need the most help, but would get into the postseason should they win and the Ravens lose. Should Baltimore win, Buffalo would still get in with a win and losses by both the Titans and Chargers. Here’s who everyone’s playing this week:
Bengals @ Ravens, Jaguars @ Titans, Raiders @ Chargers, Bills @ Dolphins.
Meanwhile, in the NFC…
All but one team is in. Should the Atlanta Falcons win, they’re in. If not, the Seattle Seahawks would make it with a win. If both lose, Atlanta gets the nod. The Falcons host the Carolina Panthers, while the Seahawks welcome the Arizona Cardinals up north.
We should enjoy the excitement now, because Super Bowl LIII will be decided with one simple re-signing in the offseason.
Jimmy GQ is undefeated as a starting QB, led a 1-10 team to four straight wins, and just made the best defense in the NFL look like swiss cheese. The San Francisco 49ers (if Jed York isn’t a major dumbass) are a playoff team next season with the GOAT at the helm.
As for the team with a polar opposite outlook on the future…
After going 1-15 last season, Hue Jackson promised he’d jump in Lake Erie should the Cleveland Browns do so again in 2017. Welp, the Browns are not 1-15, but they’re praying they will be after this week. Cleveland is 0-15 and staring down the barrel of becoming the third winless team in NFL history and just the second to go 0-16. If they want to avoid that dubious honor, the Browns will have to win in Pittsburgh, which is like hoping Donald Trump doesn’t tweet anything for a whole week. With the Browns as hapless as ever and the Indians blowing a 2-0 series lead in the playoffs, Cleveland sports fans are once again the most miserable in the country. At least they have the Cavaliers…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LET’S GO KINGS, MOTHERFUCKERS! WOOOOOOO!!!!!
HIGHLIGHTS
GAME HIGHLIGHTS:
- Baltimore Ravens 23 – 16 Indianapolis Colts
- Minnesota Vikings 16 – 0 Green Bay Packers
- Los Angeles Rams 27 – 23 Tennessee Titans
- New England Patriots 37 – 16 Buffalo Bills
- Chicago Bears 20 – 3 Cleveland Browns
- New Orleans Saints 23 – 13 Atlanta Falcons
- Cincinnati Bengals 26 – 17 Detroit Lions
- Carolina Panthers 22 – 19 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
- Kansas City Chiefs 29 – 13 Miami Dolphins
- Washington Redskins 27 – 11 Denver Broncos
- Los Angeles Chargers 14 – 7 New York Jets
- San Francisco 49ers 44 – 33 Jacksonville Jaguars
- Seattle Seahawks 21 – 12 Dallas Cowboys
- Arizona Cardinals 23 – 0 New York Giants
- Pittsburgh Steelers 34 – 6 Houston Texans
- Philadelphia Eagles 19 – 10 Oakland Raiders
OTHER SHENANIGANS:
- This was a
TD celebration. - Packers fans clear the snow at Lambeau Field for $10/hour and a cup of hot chocolate.
- Ted Thompson watches the end of The Usual Suspects.
- A referee helps Marcus Mariota up during a live fumble recovery.
- The Titans get screwed on an onside kick call.
- A Browns fan gets pelted with a snowball and flips the bird to the thrower.
- The Bears make snow angels in the endzone.
- Making fun of this failed video capture of the Georgia Dome implosion, the Saints troll the Falcons by blocking them with a MARTA bus on the big screen.
- The Saints weren’t done with the trolling. Not by a long shot.
- Eric Ebron breaks out the Naruto run after a TD.
- Cam gets hit in his Newtons.
- Jameis Winston loses his shit at the end of the Buccaneers-Panthers game.
- The Broncos completely ignore Brock Osweiler.
- Austin Seferian-Jenkins represents the entire Jets fan base.
- The Chargers have arguably the worst field goal attempt this season.
- A poor water boy gets caught in the middle of a fight between to Jaguars players.
- Derrick Coleman picks off Dak Prescott, goes into the endzone, and pulls off Ezekiel Elliott’s Salvation Army red kettle celebration.
- A cable guy gets laid out.
- Imagine trying to explain this to a casual fan.
- DeAndre Hopkins does not want to cuddle.
- The Steelers have a snowball fight.
- Chris Long runs away from a live ball.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:
- Texas ended a disappointing season on a high note with a 33-16 win over Missouri in the Texas Bowl. But, the real story happened after the game, during the trophy presentation. That’s because of the player selected as Texas Bowl MVP: Longhorns P Michael Dickson. That’s right, the #KickSquad represented! Dickson is just the second P ever named MVP of a bowl game, after current Carolina Panthers K Graham Gano was named MVP of Florida State’s 42-13 win over Wisconsin in the 2008 Champs Sports Bowl. Dickson definitely deserved the honor. Out of his 11 punts, ten landed inside the 15-yard line, six went inside the 10-yard line, and four ended up inside the five-yard line, all with no touchbacks. The dude balled out as best a P possibly can. It’s good for the brand. It’s also the best bowl game performance by a Texas player since Vince Young, which is amazing for Dickson but also hysterically sad for the Longhorns.
STAT OF THE WEEK
Behold, a stat that depresses both Cowboys and Eagles fans.
#ThrowbackThursday
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On December 28, 1958, the Baltimore Colts and New York Giants squared off for the 1958 NFL Championship in what’s become known as “The Greatest Game Ever Played.” The game was held at Yankee Stadium and featured 17 future Hall-of-Famers, including New York’s offensive and defensive coordinators, Vince Lombardi and Tom Landry, respectively. However, it was an overall sloppy game, with six lost fumbles, missed field goals, and interceptions, as well as conservative play-calling. Still, it was a back-and-forth game, with Baltimore blowing a 14-3 halftime lead only to tie the game at 17-17 with a late field goal. The score remained tied after regulation, sending it into overtime, the first sudden death overtime playoff game in NFL history and the only championship game to go to overtime until Super Bowl LI. The Colts won the game on a one-yard TD run by
Alan Ameche (pictured above). While the Colts claimed the title, the NFL got something much more important started. The game had attracted a massive TV audience, with the excitement of the game drawing more eyes than ever before. In fact, NFL historians credit this game as the starting point of the league’s popularity surge that’s continued to see the NFL become the unquestioned most popular sport in America today. What’s funny is that the audience couldn’t even see some of the final minutes of the game, because someone inadvertently nudged a cable and knocked NBC off the air. Imagine that happening when the New England Patriots were driving down the field to try and tie the game against the Atlanta Falcons last season. It would’ve been an absolute clusterfuck.
THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:
- 2016 — Singin’ in the Rain star and mother of Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, dies.
- 1972 — The GOAT NFL K, Adam Vinatieri, is born.
- 1954 — Academy Award-winning actor Denzel Washington is born.
- 1922 — The godfather of comic books, Stan Lee, is born.
- 1912 — The first municipally owned streetcars take to the streets of San Francisco.
- 1902 — The Syracuse Athletic Club defeats the New York Philadelphians 5-0 in the first indoor professional football game, which was held at Madison Square Garden.
- 1867 — The U.S. claims Midway Atoll, the first territory annexed outside continental limits.
- 1856 — President Woodrow Wilson is born.
- 1846 — Iowa becomes the 29th U.S. state.
- 1836 — Spain recognizes the independence of Mexico with the signing of the Santa María-Calatrava Treaty.
Happy [fill in the blank] Day!
Happy National Card Playing Day! Games involving money and paper objects have been around since 9th Century China, but the most widespread version of playing cards was actually developed in 15th Century France. Many theories have sprouted about the origin of the four suits, with the most popular being that they represent the different classes in society: nobles (spades), clergy (hearts), merchants (diamonds), and peasants (clubs). Fun fact: in the 1930’s, several manufacturers introduced a 65-card deck featuring a fifth suit, an eagle, that was green. Obviously, it never caught on, with the 52-card, four-suit deck becoming the modern standard. Man, we’ve got to get poker nights going again. That was a fun way we all could catch up, drink some beer, shoot the shit, and be our competitive, asshole selves again. Plus, it’s a great thing to do when you’re feeling shitty.
FINAL DUES TALLY
Ruben: $40
Nick: $40
Tyler G: $40
Kyle: $40
Brian: $40
Tyler E: $40
Dad: $40
Taylor: $40
Chriss: $40
Jimmy: $0
Riez: $0
Richard: $0
You motherfuckers have had 17 damn weeks to pay up a simple $40 fee, and your lazy asses couldn’t get it done. I’m coming for my money like the Grim fucking Reaper.
Alright, fine. I’ve stalled long enough…
EPIC BOWL VII RECAP
3. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) DEF. 8. JOP SUEY!!!
83.24 – 81.36
What a way to end the season! A back-and-forth matchup decided on the final day and by less than two points! Things got off to a great start for Jop Suey!!! when Stefon Diggs and Kai Forbath threw down 12 and 11 points, respectively, giving Taylor an early lead. But, Jamaal Williams’ disappointing day meant the lead wasn’t as big as it could’ve been. That would prove costly on Sunday, as plenty of Taylor’s big weapons came up empty. While the Chicago Bears defense took advantage of facing the Cleveland Browns and finished with 14 points, it would’ve been better for Taylor had they not been his leading scorer. 12 points may be good for Diggs, but not for Drew Brees. But, at least Brees got into double digits, whereas Keenan Allen (six points), Devonta Freeman (three points), and Greg Olsen (two points) all choked in the clutch. Those poor performances might’ve sunk Taylor early, but Fred Sanford (Dummy) couldn’t take advantage. Brian’s Buffalo Bills played well enough, with 14 points from LeSean McCoy and 12 points from Tyrod Taylor. Travis Kelce (ten points) and Alvin Kamara (nine points) also had decent games. However, Brian’s WRs let him down big time. Dez Bryant was in the negatives for most of the day and finished with a horrific two-point performance, while Devin Funchess only managed half of that. In fact, both combined for fewer production than Sterling Shepard, who only got four points. At the end of Sunday’s games, Taylor had a 12-point lead and looked a solid bet to take back the trophy from the defending champ.
However, Brian wasn’t done, not by a long shot. It all came down to the first game on Monday: Steelers-Texans. Brian immediately cut the lead to two points once Pittsburgh’s defense got going, and took the lead thanks to great defensive play (or, rather, Houston sucking with T.J. Yates and Taylor Heinicke at QB). The Steelers lit up the Texans, with Chris Boswell putting in ten points of his own. However, none of Pittsburgh’s offense included Juju Smith-Schuster, who was in the negatives for most of the game. As the 4th quarter began, Brian found himself in the exact opposite position as when the day began: leading by double digits. But, the win wasn’t secured just yet. The Texans scored to cut into the Steelers’ defensive total. However, Houston unsuccessfully went for the two-point conversion. That kept their point total at six. Had the Texans converted or just kicked the extra point, Pittsburgh’s defense would’ve gotten docked another three points. That would end up being massive when Smith-Schuster got his shit together and got a TD to bring his total to 13 points and bring Taylor within one point of Brian. All Taylor needed was for Houston to score one more time. But, the Texans had no more offense to give. The Steelers defense got another sack to finish with 18 points, and Taylor’s bid to become the first 8-seed to win the Epic Bowl came heartbreakingly short. Meanwhile. Brian held on to become the first person to win back-to-back Epic Bowls and claim the $350 grand prize. Since there’s no point in a trophy ceremony when Brian already has the damn thing, I got creative.
ONE LAST THING
Gentlemen, it’s been an honor to have competed on the virtual gridiron with you this season. As I’ve said before, you’re good people, so thanks for all that you’ve done to make this league a fun thing to be a part of. Congrats to Brian on another championship and to the rest of you for all of your hard work. Except for Nick, because goddamn that was awful. But, you were runner-up last year, so I’ll congratulate you on that instead. Anyway, I hope you’ll all be back next year, and that everyone actually pays their dues on time. I know it’s pointless to wish for the impossible, but a guy can dream. I also hope you’ve enjoyed these weekly newsletters I’ve put way too damn much work into. As much of a pain in the ass as it can be to assemble it all, it’s actually fun to do. I’m definitely bringing the newsletter back next year, bigger and better than ever. We’re only about seven months away from our draft, and it’s never too early to start scouting. I think Gee’s already sent me a trade request.
Have a Happy Holidays! I hope 2018 kicks as much ass for you guys as Todd Gurley has done these last few weeks. I mean… holy shit, he’s a beast.
Cheers,
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner
Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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