After months and months of waiting, our long national nightmare is finally over! After controversies, discussions, new additions, and plenty of hype, our favorite past time has returned!
Season 13 of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia premiered last night!
It was, in typical Always Sunny fashion, entertaining, clever, and hilarious. We’ve got weeks more of awesome content to come from The Gang, and I can’t wait to see it all!
… oh yeah and the 2018-19 NFL season kicks off today. That’s probably a bit of a bigger deal, isn’t it?
Whatever. Considering that not only are the Philadelphia Eagles the defending Super Bowl champs (thank you for beating Tom Brady’s bitch ass), but the Eagles are also hosting the Atlanta Falcons in tonight’s season opener, I guess it’s fitting that we throw some love to the City of Brotherly Love. So sit back and get ready.
We’re back, bitches!
DRAFT RECAP
A retelling of the 2018 Epic League Draft, through Always Sunny memes:
ANNOUNCEMENTS
In case you weren’t at the draft (or forgot), I’m introducing two new prizes this year aimed at reducing the bitching of people who score more points and win more games in the regular season, but choke in the playoffs. The person who racks up the most wins in the regular season will receive a $30 gift card to Buffalo Wild Wings, because you should earn something for doing so well throughout the year. In the event two teams tie for the same record, head-to-head will be the decider. If that’s even, then.. I don’t know I’ll think of something. Meanwhile, the person who scores up the most points during the regular season will win either a 40 oz bottle or six pack of the beer of their choice, because you’ll need something to drink away the pain of scoring all those points for nothing. These prizes aren’t exclusive to one person, so someone can in theory score the most points, get the most wins, and win the championship, earning them the $350 grand prize money, the trophy, the gift card, and the beer. If you can pull all that off, you sure as hell deserve it.THE WEEK’S BIGGEST STORIES
Please let something happen that makes everyone forget about Khalil Mack.
Oh thank god.
I honestly don’t know who’s right in this scenario. I think Le’Veon Bell is being a bit of a bitch by not taking the earlier big offer and holding out (again) leaving his team hanging out to dry. On the other hand, careers can end in one play and teams constantly make “business decisions” that screw over players, so I don’t blame him for wanting to get his money. All I know is this may fuck over the Pittsburgh Steelers and whoever has Bell in our league (not me), so I’m okay with this dragging out.
Anyway, that’s kind of everything anyone’s talking about right now. I’m not going to get into the anthem policy or kneeling or Kaepernick or whatever dumbass thing Trump’s tweeting now or anything like that in this section this year. The topic has simply become too divisive and political, with the original issue long forgotten. I want this newsletter to be a source of humor, football talk, cheeky shenanigans, and giving each other shit for fun, not another place for potential ill will. I deal with that shit too much at work.
I’m not gonna talk about Mack. I’ve already vented my head off and am moving on. I’m keeping an even keel and focusing on my team. Nothing can make me…
HIGHLIGHTS
GAME HIGHLIGHTS:
- It’s the preseason, so who cares.
OTHER SHENANIGANS:
- See above.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:
- I absolutely love when college football teams break out the enormous play cards. I never know what they mean and have never attempted to decipher them, but they’re random and hilarious to look at. I may have found my favorite ever play card, courtesy of West Virginia. Here it is. I don’t know who the person is on the bottom left, but having Carl Spackler and Ed the hyena kicks it up several notches. But what puts this one over the top is the hysterical drawing of Klay Thompson as Patrick Star. Some digging revealed the design was made by a Chinese artist and part of a series depicting the 2017-18 Golden State Warriors as SpongeBob characters. Give the rest of his instagram page a look. There are some pretty good and funny pieces in there.
STAT OF THE WEEK
Times I will feel like bashing my head into a moving train every time the commentators bring up Khalil Mack during this game: 3,377.
#ThrowbackThursday
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On September 6, 1946, the All-America Football Conference kicked off its first ever game. The AAFC was one of the many leagues aiming to rival the NFL in the early to mid 1900’s, but also one of the most successful. It was founded by the Chicago Tribune‘s sports editor, Arch Ward, who also started the MLB All-Star Game and the College All-Star Game (which pitted the NFL champs against a team of college seniors). The league featured such teams as the Buffalo Bills (not the current Bills franchise), the New York Yankees (not those assholes, but still), and the Miami Seahawks. You could argue that the league was shitty for two reasons: it only existed for four seasons and the Cleveland Browns won every championship. However, only the AFL was a more powerful and significant rival to the NFL than the AAFC. Along with the Browns, the NFL also got the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Colts franchises (those Colts folded and were later replaced by the different, now-Indianapolis Colts). Cleveland and its legendary coach Paul Brown would introduce several innovations to the game, such as year-round coaches, precise passing patterns, face masks, and game film. The Browns also became the first pro team to field black players since 1933. The AAFC also introduced a 14-game schedule, popularized zone defenses, and put franchises in Los Angeles, Baltimore, San Francisco, and Miami before the NFL. Former AAFC players include Otto Graham, Y.A. Tittle, Lou Groza, and Elroy “Crazylegs” Hirsch. We need more people named “Crazylegs” in pro sports.
THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:
- 2012 — Art Modell, former Cleveland Browns/Baltimore Ravens owner, dies at 87, much to the joy of Browns fans.
- 1997 — The funeral of Diana, Princess of Wales takes place in London.
- 1995 — Cal Ripken, Jr. plays in his 2,131st consecutive game, setting a new Major League Baseball record.
- 1972 — Nine Israeli athletes and a German policeman die at the hands of a Palestinian terrorist group at the Munich Olympics Games. Two other Israeli athletes were killed the day before at the start of the attack, known as the Munich Massacre.
- 1972 — Actor and future James Bond (hopefully) Idris Elba is born.
- 1916 — The first fully self-service grocery store, Piggly Wiggly, opens in Memphis.
- 1901 — President William McKinley is shot at the Pan-American Exposition in New York. He would die eight days later and be succeeded by his vice president, Theodore Roosevelt.
- 1870 — Louisa Swain becomes the first woman to vote in a United States general election.
- 1620 — The Pilgrims sail from Plymouth, England on the Mayflower to settle in North America.
- 1522 — The Victoria returns to Spain, becoming the first ship to circumnavigate the world.
- 1492 — Christopher Columbus sails from La Gomera, his final port of call before crossing the Atlantic Ocean for the first time. Fuck Christopher Columbus.
Happy [fill in the blank] Day!
Happy National Read A Book Day! If you can read a book, congrats! You’re more literate than Floyd Mayweather!
DUES TALLY
Ruben: $40
Brian: $40
Tyler E: $40
Dad: $40
Kyle: $40
Jimmy: $40
Chriss: $40
Richard: $40
Tyler G: $40
Taylor: $0
Nick: $0
Riez: $0
THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS
FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) VS. THE HEAVY HITTERS
What a matchup to kick off the season! The two-time defending champ takes on the guy who earned the top seed last season (before choking in the first round of the playoffs). However, both managers seem to be taking different approaches this year. Brian always packs his team to the gills with Buffalo Bills. But, this year’s edition of Fred Sanford (Dummy) features only two of Buffalo’s finest (LeSean McCoy and Kelvin Benjamin), both on the bench. Meanwhile, Kyle, whose team was named “WRs-R-Us” last year, made three of his first four members of the Heavy Hitters RBs. Either way, both could be primed for success again this year. Brian will be riding the coattails of the Minnesota Vikings (Kirk Cousins and Adam Thielen) and Carolina Panthers (Christian McCaffrey, Devin Funchess, and Greg Olsen). Kyle, meanwhile, has a pair of domestic abuse suspects in Ezekiel Elliot and Joe Mixon, though Alex Smith, Mike Evans, and Alex Collins will pack a punch as well. Also, goddamn, Kyle. It’s literally the start of the season. How do you not have a defense yet?
GREATER FOOLS VS. THREE EYED RAVENS
The only other matchup of teams that made the playoffs last year, both the Greater Fools and Three Eyed Ravens are surprisingly thin on players from teams who made the actual NFL playoffs this past season. Both also went pretty homer with their drafts. Dad bet the farm on his new QB, Jimmy G, while Ewing decided to make Terrell Suggs his only defensive player for some reason. However, they’re also getting a bit of help from the enemy. Ewing has Juju Smith-Schuster, while Dad picked Doug Baldwin. Those picks aside, both teams should have firepower to last them through rough stretches. Ewing has the always-dangerous Aaron Rodgers and boasts a potentially beastly RB tandem in Saquon Barkley and Devonta Freeman (though both have some uncertainties heading into Week 1). Dad employs the services of Antonio Brown and Greg Zuerlein, who (as Jop will tell you), broke fantasy records for Ks last season. Both Dad and Ewing just celebrated birthdays, but only one will leave the weekend with an extra present.
49ERS VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM
Who would’ve thought these two teams would’ve had the highest draft grades out of the whole league? I mean, no one takes those grades seriously, but still. The always-contending 49ers appear to be strong again this season. The big question Gee is facing is “What the hell will happen with Le’Veon Bell?” But, if Bell doesn’t play or isn’t up to his usual standards, Gee thought ahead and drafted his backup, James Conner. Even if Conner doesn’t cut it, Gee still has a roster loaded with guys like Tom Brady, Tyreek Hill, and A.J. Green. For most of last season, C’s Champion Team was terrible. Then, they went on a late tear and narrowly missed the playoffs. This year, Chriss is looking to carry that late momentum and start strong. Chriss certainly has the roster to do it, with Drew Brees, OBJ, Golden Tate, Kareem Hunt, and Zach Ertz leading a fearsome-looking roster. Chriss was even so dedicated to winning that he went there and drafted Khalil Mack as his defensive player. Oh god damn it now I’m sad again.
JOP SUEY!!! VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS
This is by far the highest-projected scoring matchup of the week, and for good reason. For Jop Suey!!!, Deshaun Watson and David Johnson (I’m not bitter, I swear) look to return from season-ending injuries to put up monster fantasy numbers once again (OK I’m a little bitter). Taylor’s also optimistic that T.Y. Hilton and Jarvis Landry can have even better seasons than the last one, and that Gronk won’t miss any significant time. For Footballdamus, Alvin Kamara and Russell Wilson seem like they’re going to be point machines again this season, while Davante Adams looks to build off a solid year to leap into elite territory. Both teams also have good defensive pairings (Bobby Wagner and the Rams for Taylor, Von Miller and the Vikings for Riez). If Adrian Peterson and Chris Carson turn out to be not terrible for Taylor and Brandin Cooks and Lamar Miller have bounce-back seasons for Riez, this already enticing matchup should be even more explosive. This has all the makings of an early classic.
THE KRISPY KRITTERS VS. DIXIE NORMOUS
It can’t get much worse for Dixie Normous than it did last season, which saw last place across every major category. Nick got a bit of good luck to start the season by receiving the first overall pick in the draft, but then slightly fucked it up by drafting Jerick “I just tore my ACL” McKinnon in the 4th Round. All is not well for the Krispy Kritters, either, with Richard having to bench Mark Ingram for the first four games due to suspension. However, it’s a far cry to say these two have RB problems, considering they enjoy the services of Todd Gurley (Nick) and Melvon Gordon (Richard). Richard’s roster also features names like Ben Roethlisberger, DeAndre Hopkins, and Jimmy Graham, as well as the Jaguars defense. Nick, meanwhile, counters with Matt Stafford, Stefon Diggs, Demaryius Thomas, and Travis Kelce. I’d call this an even matchup, but for some reason Yahoo! has Nicks’ defensive player, Patrick Ricard, earning a goose egg this week (and every week). Nick, you’d better figure that shit out.
WINGS OF FREEDOM VS. WILD HOGS
To recap: last year, my first overall pick got a season-ending injury in Week 1, my replacement also got a season-ending injury, Brandin Cooks had a shit year, and I ended the season on a 1-9 skid. I thought my bad luck was over, but then I got dealt the last pick in the draft. No matter! The Wings of Freedom have renewed confidence this season, and why shouldn’t we? I’ve got Cam Newton, Michael Thomas, Larry Fitzgerald, Leonard Fournette, Michael Crabtree, Kwon Alexander, and the Bears defense (hold it together, Ruben). Who can Wild Hogs counter that with? Let’s see. Jimmy has Matt Ryan and Julio Jones. Damn, that could be a potentially deadly combo, provided the Atlanta Falcons don’t shit the bed in Philadelphia again. Jay Ajayi and Amari Cooper are also some pretty good options. The Panthers also have a good defense and C.J. Mosley is a tackling machine. Crap, this is actually a pretty close matchup. Well, at least I know not to put too much stock in Week 1 results, right? Right? Oh god please let me win.
ONE LAST THING
I mentioned this earlier, but happy belated birthday to both Dad and Ewing, who turned 56 on Tuesday and 26 yesterday, respectively! You two are pretty cool in my book.
To Dad, Ewing, and everyone else in the league, welcome to the start of a brand new season! We’ve got four months of highs, lows, and shit-talking ahead of us, so let’s be sure to enjoy every single one of them! Football is back, baby!
Ruben Dominguez
Commisioner
Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
Leave a comment