Ruben's Writings

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Week 2 Newsletter: Stick This in Your Trophy Case

As soon as I hit send on last week’s newsletter, I got a notification on my phone about the passing of legendary actor Burt Reynolds. 

The 82-year-old died Thursday in his Florida home after going into cardiac arrest. Reynolds had iconic performances in a multitude of films, so much so that if you haven’t seen the majority of them, your man card is revoked. After making a name for himself in TV shows like Riverboat, Gunsmoke, and Hawk, he really broke out with the 1972 film Deliverance (you know what scene that is). Films like White Lightning and Smokey and the Bandit followed, catapulting him into cultural icon status. He would later find more success in supporting roles in films such as Boogie Nights. He would also make memorable comedic appearances, including taking part in one of the greatest Golden Girls jokes of all time and portraying himself in the episode of Archer where Sterling Archer finds out his idol is dating his mother.

Reynolds, of course, also had a notable history with football. He played RB for Florida State, where he was roommates with future coach/broadcaster Lee Corso (more on that later). He gave up on a football career after injuring one knee during a game and injuring the other (and losing his spleen) in a car accident. After he turned to acting and got famous, he starred as Paul “Wrecking” Crewe in the 1974 film The Longest Yard, delivering a fantastic performance and firing off memorable lines, such as the one which inspired the title of this week’s newsletter. So yeah, we’re paying tribute to Burt Reynolds this week.

RIP, Turd Ferguson.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

THE HEAVY HITTERS (1-0) DEF. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (0-1)

117.40 – 87.36

Well, that was pretty one-sided, wasn’t it? The matchup between last year’s regular season champ and actual champ ended up going to The Heavy Hitters, which I guess isn’t terribly surprising considering it’s the regular season. Kyle’s squad lived up to its name, with the “heavy hitters” (oh god, I just realized that’s where your name came from), with Joe Mixon and Ezekiel Elliott combining for 35 points. Kyle also benefited from a great game by Mike Evans (20 points) and a solid effort by Alex Smith (19 points). What was surprising is how certain players completely dropped the ball on Fred Sanford (Dummy). Jamaal Williams (four points) and Brian’s Carolina Panthers (Devin Funchess, Christian McCaffrey, and Greg Olden) all fell way below expectations, spoiling good games from Kirk Cousins (20 points) and Adam Thielen (10 points). Considering how last year started, it’s way too early to write Brian off completely. However, it’s never good to start with the second-lowest point total of the week.  

49ERS (1-0) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (0-1)

143.48 – 120.16

This was predicted to be the highest scoring mathchup of the week. While it didn’t quite end up as that, it still was full of firepower. Speaking of firepower, god damn, Gee. The 49ers decided to show why they got the best draft grade, with three players putting up 20+ points. Tyreek Hill threw down a whopping 35 points, while Gee’s gamble on James Conner paid off with a 29-point performance. Good outings from Tom Brady (22 points), Deion Jones (13 points), and A.J. Green (13 points) propelled Gee to the second-best point total this week. That’s just bad luck for C’s Champion Team, which put up the fourth-best score and got nothing for it. Drew Brees (31 points) and Khalil Mack (21 points) (god fucking damn it) did some great work, with solid contributions from Golden Tate (!4 points), the Redskins defense (13 points), Justin Tucker (12 points), and OBJ (11 points). However, Chriss’ RBs (Kareem Hunt and Duke Johnson) let him down big time. Normally, it wouldn’t have been too big of a deal. But, Chriss just ran into a barrage this week. 

FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-0) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (0-1)

154.32 – 122.74

Speaking of barrage, imagine having the third-best score and not just losing, but being on the receiving end of the biggest beatdown of the week. That’s what Jop Suey!!! had to deal with. Only two players got less than nine points for Taylor, with Adrian Peterson (21 points) (WTF), the Rams defense (17 points), and Gronk (16 points) leading the way. David Johnson (12 points), Jarvis Landry (ten points), and T.Y. Hilton (10 points) also had solid contributions, but Deshaun Watson (12 points) had a pedestrian day. Although, even if he played well, it wouldn’t have mattered, because holy shit. What the hell got into Footballdamus. I don’t think anyone expected Riez to be on top of the standings, but here we are. Riez has mainly Alvin Kamara (34 points) and Von Miller (23 points) to thank, with Russell Wilson (22 points), the Vikings defense (18 points), and Davante Adams (14 points) also putting in great work. Did one of last year’s worse teams just pull a complete 180? Also, you guys completely forgot about Semi-Tough, didn’t you?

WINGS OF FREEDOM (1-0) DEF. WILD HOGS (0-1)

112.44 – 103.24

You know what starting 3-0 and finishing 4-9 last year did to me? I can’t even properly enjoy a winning start to the season, because I know it doesn’t fucking matter. Still, it’s nice to see Wings of Freedom do work. Thank you, Michael Thomas (22 points)! Also, shoutouts to Cam Newton (18 points), the Bears defense (14 points) (also god fucking damn it), and last year’s championship game hero for me, Dion Lewis (17 points). We’ll see what kind of potential my team has if Leonard Fournette (five points) actually plays the whole game and Evan Ingram (one point) isn’t complete ass. As for Wild Hogs, they may have started with a 53-0 lead thanks to Jay Ajayi (21 points) and Julio Jones (18 points), but a subpar day from Matt Ryan (nine points) left the door open for me to make the comeback. Still, Jimmy had the chance to win it on Monday, especially after Jared Cook (18 points) had a massive day. However, Amari Cooper (one point) let him (and me in real life) down big time. I’ll drown my Raiders sorrows with this win, though.

GREATER FOOLS (1-0) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-1)

114.34 – 101.64

The bad for Greater Fools: Doug Baldwin got a goose egg and may be out for a while, while Derrick Henry (three points) and Delanie Walker (five points and out for the season) got shit. The good: everyone else on Dad’s roster scored double digits. Even with an overall subpar day from Jimmy G (12 points), Dad rode his defense (Miles Garrett and the Ravens), K (Greg Zuerlein), and WRs (Antonio Brown and Keenan Allen) to victory, with every one of them putting up 16-18 points. As for Three Eyed Ravens, if Ewing had actually been able to see the future, he wouldn’t have started Chris Hogan (one point), Steven Hauschka (three points), and Devonta Freeman (five points). Thanks to them, great days from Aaron Rodgers (24 points) and Saquon Barkley (18 points) wouldn’t have completely gone to waste. Seeing the Ravens defense do great work for Dad must’ve been extra painful for Ewing, considering his own Raven, Terrell Suggs, only got seven points. You know nothing, T-Sizzle.

DIXIE NORMOUS (1-0) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-1)

92.64 – 87.50

Well, how the turn tables. After waiting six weeks for their first win and only finishing with three of them last year, Dixie Normous has a wining record. The fact that Nick one despite having the third-worst score of the week must make piss off his fellow Raiders fans Taylor and Chriss even more. I mean, Nick got nothing from Travis Kelce, barely anything from Patrick Ricard (one point), and worse than nothing from the Chargers defense (-3 points). Still, Kenny Golladay (16 points) did work, and having Todd Gurley (20 points) must be nice. While both QBs (Matt Stafford and Ben Roethlisberger) decided to have a “who can throw the most INTs) contest, The Krispy Kritters ultimately came out the loser due to a pair of goose eggs (Jimmy Gragam and LeGarrette Blount) and mediocre games from their starting WRs (DeAndre Hopkins and Allen Robinson). That wasted great games from Randall Cobb (20 points) and Melvin Gordon (18 points). By the way, I only chose Boogie Nights for Nick because his team name is a sexual innuendo.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

  1. Footballdamus (1-0)
  2. 49ers (1-0)
  3. The Heavy Hitters (1-0)
  4. Greater Fools (1-0)
  5. Wings of Freedom (1-0)
  6. Dixie Normous (1-0)
  7. Jop Suey!!! (0-1)
  8. C’s Champion Team (0-1)
  9. Wild Hogs (0-1)
  10. Three Eyed Ravens (0-1)
  11. The Krispy Kritters (0-1)
  12. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (0-1)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

  1. Footballdamus (154.32)
  2. 49ers (143.48)
  3. Jop Suey!!! (122.74)
  4. C’s Champion Team (120.16)
  5. The Heavy Hitters (117.40)
  6. Greater Fools (114.34)
  7. Wings of Freedom (112.44)
  8. Wild Hogs (103.24)
  9. Three Eyed Ravens (101.64)
  10. Dixie Normous (92.64)
  11. The Krispy Kritters (87.50)
  12. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (87.36)

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Philadelphia Eagles 18-12 Atlanta Falcons
  • Cincinnati Bengals 34-23 Indianapolis Colts
  • Baltimore Ravens 47-3 Buffalo Bills
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers 48-40 New Orleans Saints
  • New England Patriots 27-20 Houston Texans
  • Minnesota Vikings 24-16 San Francisco 49ers
  • Miami Dolphins 27-20 Tennessee Titans, after like a thousand hours
  • Jacksonville Jaguars 20-15 New York Giants
  • Pittsburgh Steelers 21-21 Cleveland Browns
  • Kansas City Chiefs 38-28 Los Angeles Chargers
  • Carolina Panthers 16-8 Dallas Cowboys
  • Washington Redskins 24-6 Arizona Cardinals
  • Denver Broncos 27-24 Seattle Seahawks
  • Green Bay Packers 24-23 Chicago Bears
  • New York Jets 48-17 Detroit Lions
  • Los Angeles Rams 33-13 Oakland Raiders 😦
  • Top Plays of the Week

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

COOL COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

  • USF’s Terrence Horne is definitely gonna see some field in the NFL. I don’t know how good he is as a receiver, but Horne had two kickoff return TDs of 98 yards… in the first quarter. The second one shows just how goddamn fast he his, when he basically turns at a 90-degree angle and still pulls away from everyone. According to USF, Horne’s performance is tied for an NCAA record. Until that point, the Bulls had only 16 yards of offense and an INT, but found themselves up 14-10. But, Georgia Tech then THREW (!!!) for an 81-yard TD on their next series, which is crazy because the Yellow Jackets famously run the triple option to perfection. This game was nuts and USF scored 21 points in the 4th quarter to somehow pull out the 49-38 win. 

FUNNY COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

  • The Oregon Duck, proving itself once again to be the college football king of memes, came out of the tunnel Saturday dressed up like Kanye West in his latest hit. The Minecraft-style outfit is a reference to how West dresses in a video for the song “I Love It,” (WARNING: NSFW) a collab with something called “Lil Pump” (who I honestly didn’t know existed until just now). I don’t understand modern music and I don’t want to. 

BURT REYNOLDS COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK: 

  • Lee Corso takes a minute to remember his friend and former FSU teammate Burt Reynolds. The Seminoles also honored Reynolds with a Smokey and the Bandit-inspired helmet sticker and a special formation by the marching band. One of my favorite Burt Reynolds stories is one that Corso shared about their time as roommates on campus: “We would send him out for bait,” Corso said. “He would go to the student union and bring two girls back. One was gorgeous and the other one was ugly. He always took the beautiful girl and gave me the ugly one. But, you know what I found out early? Burt Reynolds’ ugly girlfriends were better than anything I could get on my own.”

STAT OF THE WEEK

Aaron Rodgers has a higher TD percentage on Hail Marys than this.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 13, 2015, the two top draft picks and past two Heisman Trophy winners made their NFL debuts against each other. The Week 1 matchup between the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Tennessee Titans got much more hype once they drafted Jameis Winston and Marcus Mariota first and second overall, respectively. The showdown certainly wasn’t devoid of headlines. Mariota’s first drive ended with his first career TD pass, a 52-yarder to Kendall Wright. Winston also threw his first career TD pass on his first drive. Granted, it was to the other team — a 26-yard pick six by Coty Sensabaugh. Winston didn’t have the worst game ever, finishing 16/33 for 210 yards, 2 TDs, and 2 INTs. However, Mariota was the clear star, going 13/15 for 209 yards and 4 TDs, each score coming in the first half (first time ever by a QB making his NFL debut). Mariota also became the youngest QB ever to earn a perfect 158.3 passer rating and the first to do so in his NFL debut. The two QBs have since had… let’s call them “different” careers paths. Crab Legs has had a number of off-the-field issues and is suspended for the first three games of this season. Mariota, while often injured, is really good when healthy. Last year, he led the Titans to their first playoff win since 2004, a 22-21 victory over the Kansas City Chiefs in which they were down 21-3 at halftime. This gives me an excuse to post Mariota’s TD pass to himself and his block for Derrick Henry late in the game, because fuck the Chiefs.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

  • 2015 — Moses Malone, NBA legend and one of the greatest rebounders of all time, dies.
  • 2001 — Civilian aircraft traffic resumes in the U.S. after the September 11 terror attacks.
  • 1996 — Rapper Tupac Shakur dies from gunshot wounds sustained six days earlier.
  • 1985 — Super Mario Bros. is released for the NES in Japan, starting the iconic Super Mario video game series.
  • 1980 — Daisuke Matsuzaka, former MLB pitcher and member of the 2007 World Series champion Boston Red Sox, is born.
  • 1967 — Michael Johnson, one of the greatest and most accomplished sprinters of all time, is born.
  • 1948 — Margaret Chase Smith is elected to the U.S. Senate, becoming the first woman to serve in both houses of Congress.
  • 1916 — Roald Dahl, one of my favorite writers and author of such classics as James and the Giant Peach and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, is born.
  • 1899 — Henry Bliss becomes the first person in the Western Hemisphere to be killed in an automobile accident.
  • 1877 — Milton Hershey, founder of the Hershey Chocolate Company, is born.
  • 1814 — The British fail to capture Baltimore during the War of 1812, a key turning point in the conflict. During the battle, Francis Scott Key composes his poem “Defence of Fort McHenry,” which later became the national anthem
  • 1766 — Samuel Wilson (not this guy) is born. Who’s Samuel Wilson? Well…

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy Uncle Sam Day! The day marks the birthday of Samuel Wilson, a meat packer from New York who inspired the “Uncle Sam” name. Though the exact process is unclear, the story goes that Wilson supplied barrels of meat to American soldiers during the War of 1812, marking his deliveries with a “U.S.” stamp for “United States.” Some soldiers were from Wilson’s hometown of Troy, and knew him as “Uncle Sam.” Soon, the two “U.S.” abbreviations became synonymous. The Uncle Sam character went through many forms before Harper’s Weekly cartoonist Thomas Nast created the iconic goatee-sporting, stars and stripes-wearing version we all know today. In 1961, Congress officially named Uncle Sam a permanent symbol of American strength and idealism. In short, arguably the most well-known American symbol came from a Packer. Take that, Bears fans!

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-0) VS. THE HEAVY HITTERS (1-0)

Last season, Kyle started as the best scorer in Week 1 and never relinquished the top spot. Now, his Heavy Hitters are facing off against the surprise best scorer this past week. Footballdamus looks primed for another big week, but it may depend on on some coin flips in therms of QBs. Russell Wilson is facing the Bears defense, but which Chicago squad will show up? Will it be the one that wrecked shit in the fist half against the Packers, or the one that let Aaron Rodgers make an incredible comeback in the second half? As for Von Miller, which QB will lead the opposing Raiders offense, the stellar Derek Carr from the first half, or the terrible pacifist in the second? If it’s option B, for Both, Riez is in for quite a nice day, especially since Alvin Kamara’s playing the Browns. As for Kyle, Emmanuel Sanders and Alex Smith should have good days, but his heavy hitters, Joe Mixon and Ezekiel Elliott, are facing defenses that largely contained the running game last week. Kyle will likely have to rely on the air this time. 

49ERS (1-0) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (1-0)

The only other matchup between unbeaten teams, it may not be a surprise that 49ers is included. Gee went off last week, but he may not put up plenty of points again this week. Gee’s three big stars were Tom Brady, Tyreek HIll, and James Conner (the latter two facing each other). Brady is playing the beastly Jaguars defense, while Hill and Conner are both facing tough opponents as well. A.J. Green and Kenyan Drake are also playing defenses that impressed Week 1, while the Eagles defense is hosting the randomly hot Buccaneers. However, Gee might not need to score that much to win, considering Dixie Normous didn’t put up a lot of points last week. Matt Stafford, Stefon Diggs, and Demaryius Thomas are all facing weaker squads than they did in Week 1, while the Chargers defense is playing the team with Josh Allen as QB. Plus, Todd Gurley is Todd Gurley. Considering Gee may fall short of expectations while Nick should exceed his, this should be a pretty even contest.

GREATER FOOLS (1-0) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-1)

To call last week’s performance by the Krispy Kritters “disappointing” is a massive understatement. From one of the best scoring teams to the second-worst score of last week, Richard needed more of that beer he brought to the draft party and decided to serve in cups. However, Richard should get a bit of a turnaround from his team. While Ben Roethlisberger may have another tough time, DeAndre Hopkins should bounce back this week, while James White is a definite upgrade from whatever the hell that was from LeGarrette Blount last week. Still, Randall Cobb benefited from a big last-minute TD that likely won’t happen this time against a tough Vikings defense. Meanwhile, Greater Fools has some questions surrounding is starting lineup, mainly Doug Baldwin and Delanie Walker, both out for this week (and for Walker the rest of the season). While Jimmy G should have an easier time, Antonio Brown, Derrick Henry, Marshawn Lynch and Miles Garrett are each facing some stiff defenses this week.

WINGS OF FREEDOM (1-0) VS. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (0-1)

How bad was Buffalo’s Week 1 loss? Fred Sanford (Dummy) doesn’t any Bills in the starting lineup. Congrats, Nathan Peterman, you broke Brian! However, considering the Bills suck, this is actually a bad thing for me. Kirk Cousins and Adam Thielen should do work this week, while Brandon Marshall and Chris Thompson will likely have another good showing. I’m also going to have to hope Christian McCaffrey doesn’t become a favorite target of Cam Newton, or else fewer points for my QB. Which, considering Newton scored his team’s only TD last week, may not be too much of a worry. What will be a worry is the health of Leonard Fournette, who went out early last week. Even if he is, the Patriots defense has been known to stuff RBs before. Larry Fitzgerald could also be in for a tough week against a relentless Rams defense and Evan Engram will likely still suck. However, Michael Thomas is likely getting another big day, while Dion Lewis and Michael Crabtree could get some sneaky good performances as well.

JOP SUEY!!! (0-1) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-1)

Jop Suey!!! had to have felt a bit snakebitten after coming up short despite a big offensive showing last week. Well, this week should see plenty of points as well. Though, perhaps not as many as last week. While Deshaun Watson, Adrian Peterson, and Bobby Wagner have some spicy matchups for Taylor to look forward to, David Johnson and Gronk are facing much stiffer competition than they did last week. However, the Rams defense should get even better results this week, since Sam Bradford makes even more mistakes than second half Derek Carr. Meanwhile, the Three Eyed Ravens had better hope their RBs get their shit together. Yes, Saquon Barkley had a long TD run. But, that was literally the only positive thing he did all game. Devonta Freeman, meanwhile, didn’t do shit last week. Both are facing tough defenses again this week. Aaron Rodgers also faces a tough matchup, so we’ll see if another miraculous comeback is needed (or even possible). Ewing may have to rely on his defense this week. Considering it’s fantasy football, good luck with that.

WILD HOGS (0-1) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (0-1)

Both Wild Hogs and C’s Champion Team had good, but not good enough performances in Week 1. Jimmy was let down by unexpectedly poor efforts from Matt Ryan and Amari Cooper, while Kareem Hunt and Robert Woods couldn’t clutch it out for Chriss. Both pairs will need to do better, but each are facing tough defenses this week, so who knows? However, both Jimmy and Chriss have plenty of reasons to be optimistic. Drew Brees and Khalil Mack went off, while the Redskins defense may prove to be a sneaky good pick by Chriss. Julio Jones and Jay Ajayi proved their worth (and then some) for Jimmy, who also got a surprisingly good day from Jared Cook. Both Chriss and Jimmy have to hope some of their lesser options prove stronger than Week 1, while some of their risks pay off. For Jimmy, Marvin Jones needs to step it up and Dalvin Cook needs a big day to make the gamble worth it. For Chriss, moving Isaiah Crowell into the lineup could pay big dividends or could be costly. Either way, Zach Ertz needs to have a better week.

ONE LAST THING

Well, it’s about that time of the year. The leaves are turning red, the weather’s getting colder, and basic bitches are enthusiastically sipping their pumpkin spice lattes. It’s time for my annual “fuck off to another country” two-week vacation!

I’m leaving one week from now, but I’ll already be on my way by the time next week’s newsletter is sent. Where am I going this year? If you haven’t already heard me not shut the hell up about it, you’ll find out over the next few weeks. There will still be newsletters, but they might look a bit different than usual. Hopefully they won’t be too bad. Well, worse than usual, anyway.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness

rubenredsox

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