Ruben's Writings

Fantasy Football Newsletters, Soccer Rivalries, and Other Things

Week 3 Newsletter: The Home of Real Football

Greetings from Seattle! I’m trying to kill a four-hour layover surrounded by annoying Seahawks fans/depressed Mariners fans, which I guess are one and the same. In a little bit, I’ll get on another plane and head somewhere a little bit colder: England! Specifically, Manchester. I’m starting my latest international excursion by spending a couple of days reminding Brits that we won the Revolutionary War, eating terrible food, and watching the better football (called “soccer” here in the U.S.) at one of the most famous venues in the world.

That’s right, I’m gonna take in a Manchester United match at Old Trafford! I absolutely cannot wait. Next week, I’ll be writing from somewhere much warmer, but I’ll get to that when the time comes. For now, let’s hear from some depressed football fans, and no, I’m not talking about Browns fans.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

DIXIE NORMOUS (2-0) DEF. 49ERS (1-1)

152.98 – 100.36

Wow. I mean… wow. I did not see that coming. I think Dixie Normous is starting a revenge tour for all of the shit it took last season. Granted, having the top pick and Todd Gurley’s seemingly weekly 29-point game didn’t hurt. Stefon Diggs (26 points) and Travis Kelce (22 points) also had great days, while Matt Stafford somehow put up 24 points. All of this (plus a 14-point effort from Kenny Golladay) meant that Nick put up the second-highest point total so far despite Demaryius Thomas only scraping together one point and his defensive player continuing to be ass. As for 49ers, a 24-point contribution from A.J. Green may have started their efforts strong, but some disappointing performances let them down. George Kittle didn’t do anything, Peyton Barber was seemingly the only Buccaneer that didnt score a shit ton of points, and Daniel Carlson seemingly missed every kick he attempted. Considering he’s a free agent now, Gee will probably need another K going forward, as well as some Vaseline for the next time he plays Nick.  

FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-0) DEF. THE HEAVY HITTERS (1-1)

109.64 – 89.88

Speaking of surprising, how about Footballdamus remaining on top of the standings? Despite not showing quite as much firepower this week, A solid showing across the board meant an unexpected 2-0 start for Riez. Phillip Rivers had a nice 22-point day, while Brandin Cooks (15 points), Robbie Gould (14 points), Davante Adams (12 points), and Alvin Kamara (11 points) also had decent contributions. Apart from a bad day from the Vikings defense, there really weren’t that may holes for Riez. The same can largely be said for the Heavy Hitters, Ryan Kerrigan and Jack Doyle aside. Ezekiel Elliott (14 points) and Mike Evans (13 points) had good days. Kyle also got more nines in this matchup than I did in college (I swear to god that’s an actual valid comparison). However, just about every other roster spot went in Riez’s favor instead of Kyle’s. Just enough to make a notable difference. By the way, shame on you if you don’t recognize the Tenth Doctor in this pic, you uncultured swine. 

WINGS OF FREEDOM (2-0) DEF. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (0-2)

128.90 – 89.94

After least year (when I also started 2-0), I’ve learned to temper expectations. That being said, damn does it feel good to get a nearly 40-point win and remain unblemished! I’ve definitely got some question marks going forward (what the hell should I do with Larry Fitzgerald?), but for now I’ll enjoy this. Cam Newton (28 points) was the man, while the Wings of Freedom got great contributions form Michael Thomas (18 points), the Bears defense (17 points), Kwon Alexander (15 points), Bilal Powell (15 points), and Evan Engram (12 points). But I’ve got a question for Fred Sanford (Dummy). Brian drafted the combo of Kirk Cousins and Adam Theilen to get a shit ton of points, and Theilen did just that with 19 points. But Cousins and his 34 points were left on the bench in favor of… Tyrod Taylor. Really? While Taylor didn’t have the worst day ever (the point swing wouldn’t have mattered), in what possible world does that make sense? I guess Brian’s a fan of sadness, seeing as he roots for a team so bad one of its players retires at halftime.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-1) DEF. GREATER FOOLS (1-1)

126.28 – 62.46

……..

………

…..

….. out of respect to my dear father, I’m just gonna use this video to describe what happened. Also, the joke was way too easy for this one.

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-1) DEF. WILD HOGS (0-2)

92.12 – 91.78

Oh thank god this one was actually close. Not only that, but it was by far the closest matchup in this young season. Wild Hogs came out strong early, with Matt Ryan returning to his MVP form with a 31-point performance and solid contributions from Tevin Coleman (12 points) and Dalvin Cook (ten points). However, poor efforts from Julio Jones and the Texans defense — coupled with an injury to C.J. Mosley — left Jimmy unable to separate completely, even after an 11-point boost from Amari Cooper.  C’s Champion Team was able to keep pace thanks to Drew Brees (17 points) and Kareem Hunt (14 points), and in spite of bad days from the Redskins defense and Isaiah Crowell. OBJ didn’t help out much either, leaving Chriss looking like the loser. He had only two players going, but they did just enough. A late TD from Tyler Lockett put Chriss over the top, while he (like me) was one of the few Raiders fans benefiting from Khalil Mack being on another team. Bittersweet, but Chriss will take the sweet, while Jimmy has to handle the bitter.

THREE EYED RAVENS (1-1) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (0-2)

105.84 – 87.50

Somehow, every year Ewing seems to do the impossible: win a fantasy football game with Joe Flacco as his QB. Of course, Flacco and his 19 points didn’t do all the work for the Three Eyed Ravens. Juju Smith-Schuster of the rival Steelers brought in almost as many points (18), while Chris Hogan (16 points) also had a big day. A little worrying: both Saquon Barkley and Steven Hauschka got as many points (ten) as Jordan Reed, Terrell Suggs, and the Broncos defense combined. Ewing still won out due to Jop Suey!!! not eactly bringing the heat. Great performances from Deshaun Watson (23 points) and T.Y. Hilton (15 points) and another solid job by the Rams defense (13 points) were undone unexpectedly poor days from Gronk, Chris Carson, and David Johnson. Another swing and miss from Taylor. By the way, this pic unintentionally alludes to a hilarious drunken incident between Taylor and Ewing that involved slaps to the face (one that I miiiiiight have video of in my phone). Also, apart from me, Ewing might be the biggest Sherlock fan in the league. You’re welcome.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

  1. Footballdamus (2-0)
  2. Dixie Normous (2-0)
  3. Wings of Freedom (2-0)
  4. 49ers (1-1)
  5. The Krispy Kritters (1-1)
  6. C’s Champion Team (1-1)
  7. Three Eyed Ravens (1-1)
  8. The Heavy Hitters (1-1)
  9. Greater Fools (1-1)
  10. Jop Suey!!! (0-2)
  11. Wild Hogs (0-2)
  12. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (0-2)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

  1. Footballdamus (263.96)
  2. Dixie Normous (245.62)
  3. 49ers (243.84)
  4. Wings of Freedom (241.34)
  5. The Krispy Kritters (213.78)
  6. C’s Champion Team (212.28)
  7. Jop Suey!!! (210.24)
  8. Three Eyed Ravens (207.48)
  9. The Heavy Hitters (207.28)
  10. Wild Hogs (195.02)
  11. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (177.30)
  12. Greater Fools (176.80)

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Cincinnati Bengals 34-23 Baltimore Ravens
  • Kansas City Chiefs 42-37 Pittsburgh Steelers
  • Miami Dolphins 20-12 New York Jets
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers 27-21 Philadelphia Eagles
  • New Orleans 21-18 Cleveland Browns
  • Indianapolis Colts 21-9 Washington Redskins
  • Los Angeles Chargers 31-20 Buffalo Bills
  • Minnesota Vikings 29-29 Green Bay Packers
  • Atlanta Falcons 31-24 Carolina Panthers
  • Tennessee Titans 20-17 Houston Texans
  • Los Angeles Rams 34-0 Arizona Cardinals
  • San Francisco 49ers 30-27 Detroit Lions
  • Denver Broncos 20-19 Oakland Raiders 😦
  • Jacksonville Jaguars 31-20 New England Patriots
  • Dallas Cowboys 20-13 New York Giants
  • Chicago Bears 24-17 Seattle Seahawks
  • Top Plays of the Week

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

COOL COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

  • This was a fun week for college football, with plenty of upsets. BYU knocked off No. 6 Wisconsin in Camp Randall, Texas smacked No. 22 USC, San Diego State edged No. 23 Arizona State, Troy topped Nebraska, Temple whooped Maryland, and Syracuse dominated Florida State. Kansas also kicked the shit out of Rutgers, which isn’t exactly an upset, but you have to make note anytime the Jayhawks beat anyone by 41 in football. But low key perhaps the most shocking result is North Texas annihilating Arkansas 44-17. While Arkansas isn’t exactly a powerhouse (they lost to Colorado State last week), it’s still North Texas against the SEC. The Razorbacks new it was gonna be a long day in the first quarter, when Mean Green punt returner Keegan Brewer pulled off one of the most elaborate fake fair catches you’ll ever see, resulting in a TD. SB Nation has a nice article going into detail on this play and why it was completely legal. At least Arkansas has some easier games coming up, right? Let’s see… their next three games are against No. 9 Auburn, No. 22 Texas A&M, and No. 1 Alabama. Oh… 

FUNNY COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK: 

  • Back-to-back mascot appearances in this section, though this time for a slightly more troubling reason. Chip the Buffalo, Colorado’s mascot, had to be carted off the field after a t-shirt cannon malfunction during the game against New Hampshire. I had no idea what actually happened until this morning, when I stumbled across this video of what I now know is one of the funniest mascot injuries of all time. Be sure where you’re pointing that gun, fellas.

STAT OF THE WEEK

… and he lost. Being a Raiders fan is pain.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 20, 1982, the NFLPA instructed the players to being what would be a 57-day long strike. According to Wikipedia, the NFL Players Union demanded a wage scale based on a 55% cut of gross revenue. The NFL did not agree. Thus, the strike, which led to some pretty bizarre scenarios. The NFLPA put on two AFC-NFC “All-Star” exhibition games between a hodgepodge of players (including John Riggins). Meanwhile, with no games to air, the networks got weird. CBS replayed the previous Super Bowl and eventually broadcasted D-III games, which led to Pat Summerall and John Madden covering Baldwin Wallace vs. Wittenberg. If you can tell me what state the two schools are in without looking it up, you get a prize. NBC, meanwhile, aired Canadian Football League games until ratings got shitty enough to pull the plug. Eventually, the players revolted against their own union and stopped the strike. Because of the lost weeks, the season was shortened from 16 to nine games, and the playoffs were expanded to 16 teams (eight from each conference), with seeding based on record regardless of division. They actually called it a “Super Bowl Tournament.” The resulting five-year deal that came from the negotiations obviously wasn’t good enough, because it ended with the famous 1987 strike and the scab players. So basically, this was a gigantic waste of time. Also, the answer is Ohio.

Not gonna lie, I just copied most of that paragraph from last year’s newsletter when the anniversary of the strike came up. The info would’ve been the same and I didn’t feel like writing something again when I already had a nice blurb put together. Sue me.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

  • 2017 — Hurricane Maria makes landfall in Puerto Rico, eventually leading to nearly 3,000 deaths, $90B in damages, and a major humanitarian crisis.
  • 2011 — The U.S. military ends its “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, allowing gay men and women to serve openly for the first time.
  • 2001 — President George W. Bush declares a “War on Terror” during an address to a joint session of Congress and the American people.
  • 2000 — The New York Knicks trade franchise icon Patrick Ewing to the Seattle Supersonics as part of a four-team, 12-player deal.
  • 1973 — Billie Jean King defeats Bobby Riggs in the Battle of the Sexes tennis match.
  • 1971 — Hurricane Irene-Olivia becomes the first such storm to cross from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific.
  • 1946 — The first Cannes Film Festival is held. Its debut was delayed seven years due to World War II.
  • 1893 — The Duryea brothers road-test the first American-made gasoline-powered automobile.
  • 1878 — Upton Sinclair, author of the classic novel The Jungle, is born.
  • 1519 — Ferdinand Magellan and his crew depart Spain for their expedition to circumnavigate the globe. Though the crew made history and was successful, Magellan himself did not survive the journey.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy Pepperoni Pizza Day! Pepperoni pizza is considered the most popular version of pizza, and for good reason. According to Convenience Store Decisions, Americans annually consume 251.7 million pounds of pepperoni on 36% of all pizzas produced nationally. Considering I’m going to countries distinctly lacking in pizza culture, I’m probably not gonna have this for a couple weeks. 😦

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

WINGS OF FREEDOM (2-0) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-0)

Last year’s bottom three finishers: Riez, me, and Nick. This year’s remaining undefeated teams: Riez, me, and Nick. At least one of us will go to 3-0 this week. To get to that mark (and hopefully not blow it again), I’ve got more than the Larry Fitzgerald question to answer. For one, can Leonard Fournette actually stay healthy? I’ve managed to get away without his expected production so far, but it can’t go on for ever, especially if Wings of Freedom has to contend with Footballdamus at its full power. DeSean Jackson and Brandin Cooks seem like they’re both gonna have big games, while the Vikings defense should feast on the hapless Bills. If Alvin Kamara can get going against the Falcons and Russell Wilson can have more success against the Cowbyos than against the Bears, I could be in trouble. Fortunately for me, the Falcons were solid against the run but not against the pass, and I have Michael Thomas. As for feasting defenses, the Bears and Kwon Alexander should be big for me again, while Cam Newton needs another strong outing again. Should be a good one. 

WILD HOGS (0-2) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (2-0)

Also looking to unexpectedly go 3-0 is Dixie Normous, fresh off their scorching Week 2 performance. Granted, it should be a lot easier to win at fantasy football with Todd Gurley on your team, and he looks ready for another big game this week. However, the flips side is it will be at the expense of Nick’s Chargers defense. Nick may have to rely on his big names to carry him in this one. While Stefon Diggs and Travis Kelce seem poised for more points, Matt Stafford faces a hellish matchup against the Patriots, while Demaryius Thomas meets the stingy Ravens. Meanwhile, Wild Hogs’ Matt Ryan-Julio Jones combo hasn’t paid off as expected, though perhaps a showdown with the rival Saints will spark things. Jimmy also needs their teammate, Tevin Coleman, to keep going strong, while Week 1 Jared Cook and Week 2 Amari Cooper show up. Carson Wentz’s return could have a major impact on this matchup, as Jimmy’s squad includes Jay Ajayi and Darius Leonard, who faces the Eagles offense.

49ERS (1-1) VS. GREATER FOOLS (1-1)

Both the 49ers and Greater Fools are looking to rebound from blowout losses in Week 2. However, those defeats came in different fashions. Gee put up a valiant effort but just ran into a freight train, while Dad didn’t even show up for that one. Unfortunately, it may be more of the same story for Dad this week. His beloved Jimmy G is facing arguably the best team in football in Kansas City, while Antonio Brown is facing the other arguably best team in football in Tampa Bay. Meanwhile, Keenan Allen and Derrick Henry are both facing tough defenses in the Rams and Jaguars, respectively. Also, Dad still needs a kicker to replace the injured Greg Zuerlein. As for Gee, Tom Brady and Tyreel Hill seem poised to have another great day, though the efforts of Kenyan Drake and James Conner might determine just for far his squad can go this week. He also has to hope George Kittle and T.J. Watt get their shit together, while the Eagles defense returns to form against the Colts.

THREE EYED RAVENS (1-1) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-1)

In a reverse of the last matchup, Three Eyed Ravens and the Krispy Kritters both responded from Week 1 disappointments with strong Week 2 showings, and both look to carry that momentum into a Week 3 win. Though both QBs, Aaron Rodgers (Ewing) and Ben Roethlisberger (Richard) could have another big day, it depends on who they’re throwing it to. Richard has Randall Cobb, while Ewing had Juju Smith-Schuster. Both are also left wondering who’s going to be the non-Brady Patriot to have a big game this week. Ewing hopes it’s Chris Hogan, while Richard is rooting for it to be James White. As for Richard, Melvin Gordon may have gone off last week, but this week’s he’s facing the deadly Rams defense. Although Ewing doesn’t have it too much better, with Saquon Barkley staring down the Texans defense. Ewing’s Broncos defense is also playing his beloved Ravens, so pretty much the only outcome he’ll be happy with is if it ends like 50-49 Ravens with all scoring via defensive

TDs.JOP SUEY!!! (0-2) VS. THE HEAVY HITTERS (1-1)

It took three weeks, but the Heavy Hitters are finally calling up their… well… heavy hitter. Kyle’s putting the early season MVP, Pat Mahomes, into his starting lineup. Considering Mahomes is facing the 49ers, expect another amazing week. Kyle’s also hoping the Patriots defense can get going against the mercurial Lions. With Will Fuller, Mike Evans, and Ezekiel Elliott ready to go, Kyle looks primed for a bounce back performance. That’s bad news for Jop Suey!!!, whose crucial Andrew Luck-T.Y. Hilton connection is going up against the Eagles defense. While Gronk is facing a vulnerable Lions defense, the Chargers defense will likely struggle against the Rams, while David Johnson is still on the Cardinals. Bad news all around for Taylor, who has to hope Mahomes and the Chiefs don’t get into the endzone a lot and settle for Harrison Butker (still funny) and field goals. That, or Gio Bernard and Corey Clement actually do something in the running game this week.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (0-2) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-1)

Fred Sanford (Dummy) started 0-2 last year, so this is nothing new for Brian. However, it’s never a good thing to fall to 0-3, which is why Brian’s finally putting in… wait Tyrod Taylor is still your starting QB? THE FUCK? I get you may still be loyal to the guy who led your team to the playoffs (and Kirk Cousins is facing the Bills), but come on, man. At least benefit from your football team being terrible by having your fantasy QB go up against them. The loss might hurt (again) because Adam Thielen, Christian McCaffrey, and Chris Thompson may not be enough, especially if Drew Brees, Kareem Hunt, and OBJ do work for C’s Champion Team. Zach Ertz is also getting his MVP candidate QB back from injury, while Tyler Lockett might not leave it late to find the endzone this time. If Isaiah Crowell and Robert Woods can also sneak in some good performances, it could be even more bad news for Brian. Chriss also has Khalil Mack, who might be good for a point or two.

ONE LAST THING

I actually watched the full Canelo-GGG 2 fight, thanks to a stream I found on Twitter (fuck paying $85 to watch essentially just one fight). I was rooting for GGG and thought he won the fight, though barely. However, it was an incredibly close contest, with Canelo taking the earlier rounds and GGG turning it up as the fight went on. The stats back that up — Canelo had the edge in power punches, while GGG was superior in overall volume of punches. Before the decision, the consensus was that the judges would have a really tough time scoring this razor-thin fight. But afterwards, a lot of people are screaming that GGG got robbed.

I think that stems from the belief that GGG got robbed of a victory in their first fight, which I concur with. I feel that fight was more definitively in GGG’s favor and that the rematch was the one which much more deserved to be scored a draw. People see another decision go against GGG and double down on the conspiracy and corruption claims. While I’m definitely on the “boxing is even more wrongly-called than the NBA and definitely corrupt on some level” bandwagon (especially Olympic boxing), this was a far cry from Pacquiao-Bradley.

Either way, we’re gonna see a trilogy fight (and possibly a fourth depending on the outcome of third). Maybe not immediately, but definitely in the near future. I expect GGG to come out hungrier and more aggressive in the third and take it, setting up fight number four. But, I thought he took one and two, so what do I know? This is why I prefer the MMA.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness

rubenredsox

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