Ruben's Writings

Well, I would be on a Marrakesh express had the stupid ticket website accepted my phone number as valid. Whatever. Flying works, too.

Anyway, greetings from Casablanca! 

I’m in the city everyone knows only from the Humphrey Bogart film! Yes, I am eating at Rick’s Cafe tomorrow. Anyway, I’ve gone from the freezing yet enjoyable city of Manchester to the absolutely perfect weather in Morocco. I can say I’ve ridden a camel in the Sahara Desert, which is just simply one of the most breathtaking places in the world. I can also say I’ve been in more continents than I haven’t, which is pretty cool. My trip is only halfway over, so there will be plenty more to come.

Onto the football! I leave the country for only a few days and everything goes to hell. The Bill’s blow out the Vikings, the Lions beat the Patriots, the Browns WIN A GAME?!?! I think football’s broken.

Oh wait, the Raiders blew another late lead and are still winless. There is some consistency in the NFL after all 😦 

No matchup pics this week. Blame the Moroccan internet.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

WINGS OF FREEDOM (3-0) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-1)

96.70 – 80.28

Well well well. Look who’s got the only undefeated squad in the league! It’s nice being No. 1, however long this lasts. Who do I have to thank? Certainly not Larry Fitzgerald or Evan Engram, who didn’t do shit, or Leonard Fournette, who missed another game. No, it was Cam Newton (29 points) who did the heavy lifting for Wings of Freedom, with Will Lutz (15 points), the Bears defense (13 points), and Michael Thomas (12 points) adding some valuable contributions as well. As for Footballdamus, Minnesota’s sshockingly bad effort against Buffalo was bad news for Riez, while DeSean Jackson was like the one Buccaneer who didn’t do a lot. Also, an overall poor showing from Justin James closed any chances Riez had of a Monday Night comeback, and it ruined good efforts from Alvin Kamara (19 points), Russell Wilson (15 points), and Devante Adam’s (11 points). I’m not complaining though. 3-0, baby! (remembers I started 3-0 last year, too)… shit. 

WILD HOGS (1-2) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (2-1)

114.36 – 97.08

Riez wasn’t the only one knocked from the ranks of the undefeated last week. Despite a good effort from Dixie Normous, some unexpectedly bad performances left them hanging out to dry. While we knew the Chargers defense would likely struggle against the Rams, Stefon Diggs and Ryan Kerrigan both struggled mightily. Incredible days from Carlos Hyde (22 points) and Alvin Kamara (19 points), as well as good efforts from Matt Stafford (18 points) and Travis Kelce and Kenny Golladay (11 points) were not enough for Nick, even though they should’ve been. Honestly, Wild Hogs didn’t have that good of a week as a whole. Amari Cooper, Rex Burkhead, Jared Cook, and Keelan Cole didn’t do anything. But my god did Jimmy get some monster games. Matt Ryan hung up a whopping 40 points, while Darius Leonard had perhaps the shock of the week with a 23-point day. Both combined for more than half of Jimmy’s total score. With those kinds of contributions, it’s tough to lose. 

GREATER FOOLS (2-1) DEF. 49ERS (4-2)

75.44 – 60.92

A couple of weeks ago, Kansas played Rutgers in a matchup of by far the two worst power conference programs in the country. The Jayhawks won the Toilet Bowl surprisingly handily, despite the game looking very much like one featuring two truly terrible teams. Anyway, that Toilet Bowl (and all the ones I’ve seen in Morocco so far) were far less shitty than this matchup. Good lord this was awful. Here are some stats. Greater Fools had THREE players throw up goose eggs and still won by 15. The 49ers barely scored more than half of their projected point total. Gee got more points from Kyle Rudolph than Tom Brady, and not in a good way. Dad can’t even feel good about winning because Jimmy G tore his ACL. Neither of these squads deserved the win, but sadly I can’t give them both Ls. Whatever, Dad needed the W after getting put six feet under last week. Let’s just put this terrible trainwreck or god awful bullshit behind us and move on. Especially Gee, because damn, man.

THE HEAVY HITTERS (2-1) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (0-3)

124.26 – 100.76

Man, Jop Suey!!! HAS to be pissed with how the season’s gone so far. Again, Taylor was among the week’s highest scorers and again he went up against one of the few better than him. This time, it was the Heavy Hitters, who put together an overall great performance, led by Pat Mahomes’ 25 points. Seemingly all of Kyle’s skill position players did well, with Mike Evans (19 points), Will Fuller (16 points), and Alex Collins (13 points) particularly having nice games. Even Lavonte David and his 13 points were well done. Taylor’s guys didn’t do too badly. The Rams defense did good work and David Johnson and Giovanni Bernard were solid as well. However, subpar efforts from Andrew Luck, T.Y. Hilton, and Gronk brought him down. But what also has to kill Taylor is that he still could’ve won, if only for his bench. Deshaun Watson (26 points), Adrian Peterson (24 points), and Chris Carson (18 points) were all unused and would’ve been enough for the win. Alas, it’s 0-3 for Taylor.

THREE EYED RAVENS (2-1) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-2)

92.30 – 88.82

Now that’s how you finish a matchup on Monday night! It was a close call, but the Three Eyed Ravens managed to pull it out. Ben Roethlisberger’s 25 points weren’t enough for the Krispy Kritters (in part due to Ewing’s sleeper agent, Juju Smith-Schuster). Granted, Richard could’ve used a bit more help. Aside from Melvin Gordon (14 points), no one really did anything, with Jimmy Graham, Alvin Robinson, and the Jaguars defense having pedestrian days. As for Ewing, Aaron Rodgers (19 points) and Saquon Barkley (17 points) had nice showings, but disappointing games from Latavius Murray and Chris Hogan held him back, though not enough to Richard’s liking. By the way, did you know there’s an ancient village in Morocco called Ait-Ben-Haddou that was used for filming (among other things) part of Game of Thrones? Guess who went there on his way to the Sahara! So Ewing, who’s the real Thrones fan? Wait, why am I bragging about that?

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (2-1) DEF. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (0-3)

142.84 – 74.66

I… uh… holy shit. Well, now both dads are dead. After Dad got eviscerated by Richard last week, C’s Champion Team piled on by obliterating Fred Sanford (Dummy) as well. This was one of those weeks where everything went right for Chriss. Drew Brees threw down 40 points to get it started, while Isaiah Crowell (17 points), Kareem Hunt (16 points, Tyler Lockett (14 points), and Justin Tucker and Khalil Mack (13 points) kept adding to the total. After a while, it just became a slaughter, much to Chriss’ joy. As for Brian, since you didn’t heed my words last time, I’ll repeat my message: Why. The. Hell. Are. You. Starting. Tyrod. Taylor. Over. Kirk. Cousins. It won’t matter now that the Baker Mayfield era has begun, but still. Incompetence shouldn’t be rewarded with good fortune. Good fortune of course being 0-3 and in last place. Although, I guess it wasn’t all bad for dads, seeing as Dad won this week with the same score as Brian. I’m sure that will make Brian feel happy. 

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. Wings of Freedom (3-0) 🙂
2. C’s Champion Team (2-1)
3. Footballdamus (2-1)
4. Dixie Normous (2-1)
5. The Heavy Hitters (2-1)
6. Three Eyed Ravens (2-1)
7. Greater Fools (2-1)
8. Wild Hogs (1-2)
9. 49ers (1-2)
10. The Krispy Kritters (1-2)
11. Jop Suey!!! (0-3)
12. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (0-3)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (355.12)
2. Footballdamus (344.24)
3. Dixie Normous (342.70)
4. Wings of Freedom (338.04)
5. The Heavy Hitters (331.54)
6. Jop Suey!!! (311.00)
7. Wild Hogs (309.38)
8. 49ers (304.76)
9. The Krispy Kritters (302.60)
10. Three Eyed Ravens (299.78)
11. Greater Fools (252.24)
12. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (251.46)

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 27, 1998, arguably the greatest football broadcasting invention made its debut. During the Sunday Night Football game between the Baltimore Ravens and Cincinnati Bengals, ESPN introduced Sportvision’s “1st & Ten” line, the digital yellow line marking where the first down line was. It was a huge success, and now it’s hard to imagine an NFL broadcast without it. What wasn’t received well was the “Green Zone” that NBC implemented this year during the preseason. It’s stupid and unnecessary, and it’s been getting justifiably ripped. By the way, Sportvision is the same group that also was responsible for the glowing puck, which aimed to make watching hockey easier. It wasn’t exactly a success, either. At least they got the whole yellow line thing right!

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2017 — Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy magazine and legendary ladies man, dies.
• 1979 — The Department of Education receives final approval from the Congress to become the 13th U.S. Cabinet agency.
• 1965 — Former NBA player and current Golden State Warriors head coach Steve Kerr is born.
• 1962 — Rachel Carson’s book Silent Spring is published. It would inspire an environmental movement and the creation of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency.
• 1954 — Tonight Starring Steve Allen, which would eventually become The Tonight 
• Show, debuts on NBC.
• 1947 — Popular musician Meat Loaf is born.
• 1908 — The first production Model T leaves the factory at the Ford Piquette Avenue Plant in Detroit.
• 1905 — The physics journal Annalen der Physik receivew Albert Einstein’s paper, “Does the Inertia of a Body Depend Upon Its Energy Content?,” which introduced the famous equation E=mc².
• 1840 — Thomas Nast, the cartoonist who created the modern depiction of Santa Claus and popularized the image of Uncle Sam we know today (as mentioned in last week’s newsletter), is born.
• 1825 — The Stockton and Darlington Railway opens, becoming the first public railway to use steam locomotives.
• 1722 — Samuel Adams, one of America’s Founding Fathers and the namesake of the popular beer, is born.
• 1540 — The Society of Jesus (the Jesuits) receives its charter from Pope Paul III. Fucking Jesbians.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy Crush a Can Day! Feel free to celebrate by shotgunning a beer or two. Although, you’ll probably have to wait for Taylor on this one. He’s a little slow at it.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

WINGS OF FREEDOM (3-0) VS. THE HEAVY HITTERS (2-1)

Alright, last year I started 3-0 and finished 4-9, so let’s not go on a similar path this season. What’s that? Cam Newton is on a bye? GODDAMN IT!!! Well, I’m certainly not rolling with Dak Prescott, so welcome to the Wings of Freedom, Ryan Tannehill! I’m less confident at that last statement than I want to be. Tannehill and Cooper Kupp (to the bench with you, Larry Fitzgerald) will have to be a big help this week. Also, if Leonard Fournette could kindly play, please, that’d be great. Michael Thomas, Michael Crabtree, and the Bears defense probably won’t be enough this week. The Heavy Hitters have Pat “literally Jesus” Mahomes, a solid RB corps of Ezekiel Elliott and Alex Collins, and a trio of good WRs in Mike Evans, Will Fuller, and Emmanuel Sanders. Interestingly, Kyle and I both boast Buccaneer LBs, Kwon Alexander and Levonte David, respectively. Whichever has the better game could end up making the difference, and make me either happy or bitter upon my return to the States.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-1) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (2-1)

It’s a battle of teams who’ve so far pulled themselves from the wreckage of last season and who don’t want to return to the bottom of the standings. Footballdamus is also hoping to rebound from its first loss of the year, while C’s Champion Team just threw down one of the biggest ass whoopings in league history. This matchup will probably be closer. Riez should get a better game from Russell Wilson, who’s playing arguably the worst team in football this week, while Chriss might worry about Drew Brees against a surprisingly effective Giants defense. However, that defense also looks to limit Alvin Kamara for Riez, with OBJ facing a porous Saints defense for Chriss. With both defenses (Vikings and Texans) facing strong offenses, this one may come down to the skilled position players. Chriss might have the edge with Tyler Lockett (Wilson’s favorite target), Kareem Hunt, and Khalil Mack. But don’t count out Davonte Adams, DeSean Jackson, and Von Miller, either.

DIXIE NORMOUS (2-1) VS. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (0-3)

Things just keep getting worse for Fred Sanford (Dummy). Coming off an absolutely brutal loss and an 0-3 start to his quest for a three-peat, Brian now faces one of the league’s top scorers in Dixie Normous. Meanwhile, Christian McCaffrey is on a bye. But, at least Kirk Cousins can… he’s… still on the bench. Brian. Come on, man. Cousins plays tonight, so either check your lineup or get ready to pick between Case Keenum, Eli Manning, and Dak Prescott. Or start a displaced Tyrod Taylor. Whatever. Adam Theilen and the Browns defense can’t make up that gap, especially with Nick’s roster. For starters, there’s Todd F. Gurley. Carlos Hyde and Travis Kelce also look poised for big games, while Stefon Diggs, Demaryius Thomas, and Matt Stafford can definitely contribute strongly. In addition, the Chargers defense is facing a Jimmy G-less 49ers. I’ve learned over the years to never count Brian out, but bouncing back from a likely 0-4 start would be something for the ages.

THREE EYED RAVENS (2-1) VS. 49ERS (1-2)

It’s the Tyler Bowl, and this one could have some pretty big implications on early playoff positioning. The 49ers are coming off two tough losses, including their disappearing act last week. A third straight defeat and another bad showing could spell trouble for Gee. Questions already linger. Can James Connir find the endzone against the tough Ravens defense? How will the matchup between Tom Brady’s Patriots and Kenyan Drake’s Dolphins play out? Which Falcons defense will show up against A.J. Green and the Bengals? Furthermore, which Eagles defense will be on display against the Titans? All important questions, but the Three Eyed Ravens also get a say. Aaron Rodgers, Saquon Barkley, and Terrell Suggs look primed for big days, but the performances of Juju Smith-Schuster and the Broncos defense may play an even bigger roll for Ewing in this one. Another win would help him keep pace with the early playoff race.

GREATER FOOLS (2-1) VS. WILD HOGS (1-2)

Oh no, Jimmy G went down with a torn ACL! How will the Greater Fools recover? Oh, Dad has Jared Goff. Nevermind, then. He also has Keenan Allen and Mike Williams going up against the even more depleted 49ers defense. However, Dad has Antonio Brown facing his Ravens defense and both Derrick Henry and Marshawn Lynch facing stingy defenses. Despite a poor effort, Dad got the win last week due to an even worse display from Gee. Things might not exactly be the same against the Wild Hogs. Jimmy and the red hot Falcons trio of Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, and Tevin Coleman look primed for another big week of scoring. However, Jimmy has some lineup issues to take care of. Rex Burkhead is out for the season, and Jimmy’s backup RBs have plenty of questions surrounding them as well. In addition, the Panthers defense is on a bye. Also, Amari Cooper and Jared Cook haven’t looked too good lately. A lot of questions surround this matchup.

JOP SUEY!!! (0-3) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-2)

Oh how the mighty have fallen. Both Taylor and Brian, who squared off in last year’s Epic Bowl, are now the lone winless teams in the league. But, while their title game conqueror has floundered about this season, Jop Suey!!! has shown plenty of fight in defeat. The five-spot difference between Taylor’s standing in terms of record and points score is the highest in the league, and Andrew Luck, T.Y. Hilton, David Johnson, and the Rams defense look to continue that trend. If Giovanni Bernard and Chris Carson can recreate their magic and Gronk finally has a bounce back game, the Krispy Kritters could be in trouble. But, Richard could prove a tough out. Ben Roethlisberger, Melvin Gordon, and DeAndre Hopkins all look ready for more big days, while T.J. Yeldon may or may not get the bulk of the Jaugars’ carries and the Jaguars defense will likely rebound against the Jets. However, Richard has no K and Luke Kuechley is on a bye, so he’s probably gonna have to fix that before Sunday. 

ONE LAST THING

100+ wins and AL East champs! The best team in baseball will see you bitches in the playoffs.

Oh and I’ve attached some vacation pics in case you miss my ugly mug. Manchester, the Sahara, and Casablanca. 

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness