Greetings from Sacramento! Yep, I have returned to the U.S. in one piece (mostly). Since the last newsletter, I flew to Barcelona and spent a few days doing all sorts of things: shitting my guts out from food poisoning I got in Casablanca, seeing the Sagrada Familia, shiting my guts out, striding down La Rambla, shitting my guts out, checking out the gothic architecture, shitting my guts out, eating delicious exotic food, and shitting my guts out (over the exotic food this time). Seriously, I could probably publish a photo essay entitled “Inside the public bathroom stalls of Barcelona.”
But by far my favorite non-shitting thing I did was take in the FC Barcelona match against Athletic Bilbao Saturday.
That was my view at the Camp Nou. That was how close I was to Lionel Messi, the greatest soccer player of our generation (fuck Cristiano Ronaldo). That was also how close Barca was to losing until Messi pulled magic out of his ass and helped make it a 1-1 final. Still, this is a cathedral of soccer and I will never forget being able to be part of a +78k crowd so loud it drowned out the ref´s whistle.
Also, my fear of going to far away from a toilet for too long and the computers at my hostel made writing this newsletter a bit easier. Not that easier, though. Typing on a Spanish keyboard is hard. Seriously, look at this:
There are two “N” keys, a seperate key to press when you want to use the @ or # symbols or brackets (not the shift key), and other things are moved around so typing patterns I honed over half my life are thrown out of whack.
For all its faults, the U.S. has some nice, familiar keyboards. It also has my nice, familiar toilet. I never thought I would miss that on this vacation.
No matchup pics this week because I’m too damn tired from my trip.
RECAP OF LAST WEEK
THE HEAVY HITTERS (3-1) DEF. WINGS OF FREEDOM (3-1)
121.96 – 85.10
Speaking of me shitting my guts out… yikes. I wasted Cooper Kupp’s insane day, while Ryan Tannehill earned just one god damn point for the Wings of Freedom. The Heavy Hitters, meanwhile, did not waste a 30-point day from Ezekiel Elliott, and another productive day from every Raiders fan’s newest nightmare, Pat Mahomes. Whatever, Kyle. Enjoy the win you got while I was getting all too familiar with Barcelona’s bathrooms.
C’S CHAMPION TEAM (3-1) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-2)
120.08 – 99.68
That was not how I expected the battle between first and second to go. Both QBs each only amount to eight points, while the RBs carried both scores. It’s like the 80’s all over again! Alvin Kamara powered Footballdamus, but Kareem Hunt and Golden Tate helped C’s Champion Team keep pace. In the end for Riez, the Vikings defense shat the bed, while the Texans Defense and Khalil Mack helped Chriss pull away.
DIXIE NORMOUS (3-1) DEF. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (0-4)
127.48 – 102.38
Fred Sanford (Dummy) finally took my advice and started Kirk Cousins, but he and Adam Thielen simply weren’t enough. Dixie Normous simply had too much firepower. Todd Gurley and Matt Stafford went off, while Jadeveon Clowney’s incredible performance put Nick over the top. Even though Brian had his best performance of the season, the defending champ is still looking for the first win of his threepeat campaign.
49ERS (2-2) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (2-2)
109.66 – 82.42
Both squads had hits and misses, but the majority of hits went to the 49ers, while the misses were in the Three Eyed Ravens lineup. Tom Brady, Sony Michel, and Calvin Ridley had great days for Gee, while Ewing got next to nothing (or nothing at all) from Chris Hogan, the Broncos defense, and Stephen Hauscka, Gee got the win he desperately needed, while Ewing continues to sit in the is-he-or-isn’t-he quality range.
WILD HOGS (2-2) DEF. GREATER FOOLS (2-2)
150.66 – 107.10
Both of these next matchups were ass whoopings, and they came in similar ways. Jared Goff went off for the Greater Fools, but apart from Dan Bailey, Marshawn Lynch, and Antonio Brown, Dad really didn’t do anything. Meanwhile, pretty much everyone did well for the Wild Hogs, particularly Matt Ryan, Jared Cook, and the Packers defense. Meanwhile, Jimmy finally got to see what his team is truly capable of. He’s gotta like what he saw.
THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-2) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (2-2)
153.38 – 111.20
For this matchup, the QB that killed it for Jop Suey!!! was Deshaun Watson, while apart from him, Giovanni Bernard, and David Johnson, there were some big misses for Taylor, namely Chris Carson, Harrison Smith, and Gronk. Meanwhile, Andy Dalton, DeAndre Hopkins, Melvin Gordon, and James white went off for the Krispy Kritters. Richards squad has been Jekyll and Hyde this season. Well, welcome Mr. Hyde!
This section was fully written days ago but somehow got deleted. Fuck you if I think I’m writing that all again.
VACATION PICS
STAT OF THE WEEK
This QB (and team) beat the shit out of the Vikings. The NFL is weird.
#ThrowbackThursday
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On October 4, 1987, the first set of games played by mostly replacement players kicked off. This was the result of a massive player strike that saw most of the roster walk away after Week 2 of the season. After Week 3 was delayed, the new Week 3 began filled with former roster cuts, CFL and USFL players, has-beens, and other rejects suiting up in the big leagues. The strike lasted for about three weeks, but that was plenty of time to conjure up some memorable moments, including perhaps the most batshit crazy TD in NFL history: two defenders fumbling an INT and the QB who threw it picking it up and running 70 yards for the score. Speaking of the Saints, did you know Sean Payton suited up for the “Spare Bears”? He is #17 in the above pic. At least we got The Replacements out of this. Another “Did You Know?” — this was the final film in the career of Jack Warden (Washington Sentinels head coach Jimmy McGinty), who won an Emmy for playing George Halas in Brian’s Song?
THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:
- 2011 — Steve Jobs, co-founder and CEO of Apple, dies.
- 2004 — Legendary comedian/anchor Rodney Dangerfield dies.
- 2001 — Barry Bonds surpasses Mark McGwire’s single-season home run record with his 71st and 72nd home runs.
- 1974 — Former UFC Middleweight Champion Rich Franklin is born.
- 1970 — The Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) is founded.
- 1962 — The Beatles’ first single, “Love Me Do,” is released in the United Kingdom
- 1962 — Dr. No, the first ever James Bond film, is released. I have never seen a James Bond film.
- 1958 — Everyone’s favorite scientist, Neil deGrasse Tyson, is born.
- 1955 — The Disneyland Hotel is opened to the public.
- 1947 — The first televised White House address is given by President Harry Truman.
- 1927 — Sam Warner, co-founder of Warner Bros. Studios, dies.
- 1921 — The World Series is broadcast on radio for the first time.
- 1918 — Pioneering French aviator Roland Garros, who the stadium that hosts the French Open is named after, dies.
- 1914 — The first aerial combat resulting in an intentional fatality takes place during World War I.
- 1857 — The City of Anaheim, CA is founded.
- 1829 — President Chester Arthur is born.
Happy [fill in the blank] Day!
Happy Taco Day! Something something I ate a lot of fish tacos overseas, both the food kind and the other kind. There’s the low-hanging fruit.
DUES TALLY
Ruben: $40
Brian: $40
Tyler E: $40
Dad: $40
Kyle: $40
Jimmy: $40
Chriss: $40
Richard: $40
Tyler G: $40
Taylor: $0
Nick: $0
Riez: $0
THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS
C’S CHAMPION TEAM (3-1) VS. THE HEAVY HITTERS (3-1)
Either Kyle reasserts himself to the position he held for pretty much all of last season or Chriss makes a statement as an early championship favorite. Should be a good one.
DIXIE NORMOUS (3-1) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-2)
Can Riez stop his early slide, or will Nick continue his unexpected early season surge? Nick has the offense to get the job done.
WINGS OF FREEDOM (3-1) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (0-4)
Me and my stupid fantasy football luck against Taylor and his snakebitten squad. All the signs point to a victory for m— wait, the Bears are on a bye week? I’m fucked.
THREE EYED RAVENS (2-2) VS. WILD HOGS (2-2)
At the time of this writing, there was exactly 0.07 points separating these two teams for predictions. Both Ewing and Jimmy might need this win later in the season.
49ERS (2-2) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-2)
Both Gee and Richard are capable of great performances and downright stinkers. Let’s hope they each end up going with the former.
GREATER FOOLS (2-2) VS. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (0-4)
It’s a Dad Bowl, although this one lacks the luster of years past. This might be Brian’s best chance for a win for a while.
Fuck whatever glitch deleted these sections.
ONE LAST THING
In case the question ever crossed your mind, I’m not just picking these vacation destinations for shits (ha) and giggles. I have a goal in mind: step foot on every continent before I turn 30. July 5, 2022 is a little less than four years away, and I have only three more continents left: Australia, South America, and Antarctica. As of now, the plan is to head to Australia next year, then cap the journey by taking out South America and Antarctica in one swing in late 2021 or early 2022. I had no idea I wanted (or needed) to do this when I made my first big boy trip to Japan two years ago, but the goal is something I think I’ll be proud of for the rest of my life.
I also don’t want to give the impression that I’m some rich boy on holiday. I save up money, vacation days, and other resources for basically 11 months out of the year (with room for a small trip in between, i.e. Seattle last year and Toronto this year), then blow it on these experiences. And by blow, I mean scour Kayak for the best ticket deals, book cheap hostels or something of the like, then walk or take public transport pretty much everywhere that’s not the airport. I try to do it (mostly) as cheap and smart as possible. I had to wait to get a full-time job to afford to replenish my funds each trip, which usually takes several months.
My point: travel (particularly international travel) is something many might not see as something that non-richers can afford. I think the opposite is true. Many also might think it may be too late for them to start. Just two years ago I had only been up the West Coast, as far east as Texas, and as far west as Hawaii. My only international experience was the one day my family and I stopped in Mexico for three hours as part of a cruise when I was 11. Now, I’ve visited eight countries on four continents and have memories that will last me the rest of my life.
It sounds cliche as hell, but don’t let your dreams be just that. They’re closer than you think.
Idk, maybe it’s the diarrhea medication talking.
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner
Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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