Ruben's Writings

A benefit of going on a trip to three different countries was that I had a theme for three straight weeks. While recovering from my epic overseas toilet tour (turns out I had this), I realized, “Oh shit (no pun intended), I have to actually come up with a theme this week!” I had absolutely no clue what to chose.

Then, UFC 229 happened.

In case you don’t follow MMA or live under a rock, the guy on the left is Conor McGregor, a former UFC Featherweight and Lightweight champion with a cult-like following who made his return to the octagon after a two-year absence in which he fought Floyd Mayweather Jr. in a boxing match. The guy on the right is Khabib Nurmagomedov, undefeated UFC Lightweight champion. There had been a lot of controversy and shit talking between the two for many months, including the time McGregor chased down a bus with Khabib (and other fighters) in it, threw a dolly, broke a glass window, and caused some of the fighters to get injured. McGregor also spoke badly about some of Khabib’s coaches and training partners, claiming links to terrorist groups (which actually might be true) and insulting Khabib’s religion (Islam) at the same time. Khabib, for his part, basically called McGregor a drama queen media whore and vowed to “smesh” him.

Before the main event, this card was already great. We saw an up-and-coming star, Dominick Reyes, earn the biggest win of his career. We got to see a back-and-forth, bloody war between former interim champ Tony Ferguson and former champ Anthony Pettis, with the winner (Ferguson) likely earning a title shot. We witnessed fan favorite heavyweight contender Derrick Lewis get beat up for 14:45, then knock out his opponent, Alexander Volkov, with ten seconds left and give the greatest post-fight interview in UFC history. Seriously, watch that video. Highlights include a hilarious reason for taking his shorts off, a fake phone call from President Trump, and Lewis denying a push for a title shot because he has no endurance. Naturally, he’s since been given a title shot against Daniel Cormier at UFC 230 next month.

Then, it was time for the big one: Khabib vs. Conor. Somewhat surprisingly, the fight was largely one-sided, with Khabib taking McGregor down multiple times before beating the shit out of him and choking him out in the 4th round. But that was only the start of the madness. Here’s what happened.

Immediately after getting pulled off McGregor, Khabib yells something at one of McGregor’s cornermen, who allegedly yelled something racist at Khabib. Remembering all the shit that happened before the fight, Khabib jumped into the crowd to try and kick the guy’s ass. As all hell broke loose outside the octagon, one of Khabib’s cornermen went to jump over the cage to get his fighter. McGregor, thinking he was also going after his team, swung at him. That prompted two of Khabib’s other cornermen to attack McGregor in the octagon, causing even more hell to break loose. After like 15 minutes of pure chaos, both fighters were sent to the locker room and the odd sight of Bruce Buffer announcing the results of a fight without either fighter present took place.

Since then, there have been arrests, threats to suspend Khabib/Conor and strip Khabib of his title, and the Nevada State Athletic Commission filing complaints against both fighters. Khabib’s purse has also been withheld. As things continue to develop, Khabib posted to Instagram this morning to basically call the UFC out on their hypocrisy of not punishing McGregor for his shenanigans while going hard at his team. He also threatened to never fight for the UFC again, which holy shit is insane. This obviously is still developing and much more will come out later.

But most importantly, I have my theme for the week.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (4-1) DEF. THE HEAVY HITTERS (3-2)

158.70 – 101.72

Calm down, C’s Champion Team! Chriss apparently has a lot to prove after just missing the playoffs last season, as he added to his impressive total by dropping a whopping 158 points against a good Heavy Hitters squad. Drew Brees’ record-setting night brought Chriss 26 points, while Isaiah Crowell carved up the Broncos for 29 points and QB/WR OBJ earned home 23 points. Zach Ertz (17 points), Tyler Lockett (16 points), and Kareem Hunt (15 points) also put up nice efforts. Chriss had as many players score in single digits as he did players who scored 23 or more points. Kyle didn’t have a bad week by any means (I’m not saying this because he beat me last week, I swear). Pat Mahomes had 17 points (his worst game of the season) (oh god kill me), while Eric Ebron (22 points) and Joe Mixon (17 points) also had good performances. However, Kyle got some pretty bad showings from Will Fuller, Corey Davis, and Mason Crosby (that’s an understatement). But there was simply no stopping Chriss.  

DIXIE NORMOUS (4-1) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-3)

133.12 – 69.66

While C’s Champion Team might’ve done it better, Dixie Normous did it bigger. Like Chriss, Nick only had three players score single digits and had a RB (Todd Gurley) whoop absolute ass (30 points). Nick also benefited from the Lions’ unexpected good day via 17 points each from Matt Stafford and Kenny Golladay, while getting only pretty much the only positive thing the Broncos did the whole game (16 points from Demaryius Thomas). What’s different is that, unlike Chriss’ opponent, Nick’s opponent didn’t exactly put up a good effort. Footballdamus did have Phillip Rivers (21 points) and Davante Adams (20 points), but apart from that, yikes. Four players (Vance McDonald, Lamar Miller, Brandin Cooks, and Robbie Gould) scored no points. I repeat, FOUR players gave Riez a goose egg. That’s honestly incredible and I’m trying to refrain from embarrassing Riez too much because his team did that enough for him. Nick didn’t even have to put up 133 points, but fuck it he did it anyway. 

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-2) DEF. 49ERS (2-3)

129.30 – 121.84

Whereas I got a win with 85 points (more on that later), the 49ers put up the fourth-highest score of the week (121 points) and lost to the third-highest score (129 points). Man, Gee has to be pissed, especially considering he should’ve put up a lot more. James Conner (30 points) and Tom Brady (29 points) put up half of that large total, but they were also half of Gee’s players to score in double digits (Sony Michel and A.J. Green being the others. Tyreek Hill, Kyle Rudolph, Calvin Ridley, and the Eagles defense didn’t do jack shit, with only Hill earning more than four points. Meanwhile, the Krispy Kritters got a little more even production (five guys in double digits instead of four). Ben Roethlisberger (22 points), DeAndre Hopkins (15 points), and Melvin Gordon and T.J. Yeldon (18 points each). But it was Mark “TD vulture” Ingram and his 19 points who swung the results in Richard’s favor on Monday night. Here’s the kicker: Gee’s eight-point loss to a 129-point scoring team was half as bad as his loss to a 75-point scoring team. I think Gee might be a bit upset.

WINGS OF FREEDOM (4-1) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (0-5)

85.98 – 84.40

How. The. Hell. Did. I. Win. This. Game. Oh yeah, an injured T.Y. Hilton was still in Jop Suey!!!’s starting lineup. Literally anyone else and I would’ve lost. I mean, my RBs got me ten points combined, I was without my Chicago Bears defense, and Cam Newton (18 points) barely gave me more than Cooper Kupp (15 points). Meanwhile, the normally stellar Michael Thomas had a poor effort during a night when Drew Brees literally broke an NFL record. Will Lutz got the Wings of Freedom more points than that. If Adrian Peterson scores a TD or gets enough yards for seven points, I’m screwed. Thank god the Redskins decided to honor Brees by not showing up to their Monday Night matchup. Granted, apart from Deshaun Watson (22 points) and David Johnson (19 points), no one really showed up for Taylor. The Rams defense was shockingly bad against the Seahawks, while Gronk, Julian Edelman, and Jarvis Landry were all subpar. Well, at least my next couple of opponents also aren’t that good. (checks schedule)… shit.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (1-4) DEF. GREATER FOOLS (2-3)

96.54 – 85.44

The two-time defending champ will not go winless in his bid for a three-peat! Fred Sanford (Dummy) pulled out their fourth-straight Dad Bowl win over the Greater Fools. This, despite losing his TE, Austin Seferian-Jenkins, for the season. The win came in part due to the dynamic duo of Kirk Cousins and Adam Thielen (31 points combined), as well as good days from Christian McCaffrey (15 points), the Browns defense (12 points), and Blake Martinez (11 points). Meanwhile, Dad got nothing from his RBs, Marshawn Lynch and Derrick “Travis” Henry, and though Antonio Brown (22 points) and Jared Goff (16 points) did well, Doug Baldwin got as many points as Brian’s injured TE. In addition, while the Browns defense as a whole did well, Myles Garrett only got a small bit of those points. Dad might’ve also had a double agent on his roster: Charles Clay, TE for the Buffalo Bills, who just happen to be Brian’s favorite team. I’m not saying conspiracy, mostly because Dad’s team has been terrible lately, but still.

THREE EYED RAVENS (3-2) DEF. WILD HOGS (2-3)

95.18 – 78.40

This might be one of the weirder outcomes I’ve seen in a while. Though the score isn’t exactly unusual, if we take a closer look, it’s pretty damn strange. Basically the Three Eyed Ravens’ entire offense came from two guys: Aaron Rodgers (28 points) and Saquon Barkley (24 points). Every other spot in the lineup didn’t get to double digits, with only two of those players (Juju Smith-Schuster and Jake Elliott, scoring more than four points. This is the definition of “feast or famine.” So what happened? Ewing won by almost 20. Wait… what? Yeah, good job, Wild Hogs, who managed to get a whole THREE roster spots (Matt Ryan, Ryan Succop, and the Bengals defense) worth of double digits. However, those three added up to the same amount of points as Ewing’s two stars, everyone else on Jimmy’s roster finished in single digits, and only one (Julio Jones) got more than five points. What the actual hell was this matchup? I’m not sure if Ewing should be proud of this one, but then again he did score ten more points than I did.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (4-1)
2. Dixie Normous (4-1)
3. Wings of Freedom (4-1)
4. The Krispy Kritters (3-2)
5. The Heavy Hitters (3-2)
6. Three Eyed Ravens (3-2)
7. Wild Hogs (2-3)
8. 49ers (2-3)
9. Footballdamys (2-3)
10. Greater Fools (2-3)
11. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (1-4)
12. Jop Suey!!! (0-5)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (633.90)
2. Dixie Normous (603.30)
3. The Krispy Kritters (585.18)
4. The Heavy Hitters (555.22)
5. Wild Hogs (538.44)
6. 49ers (536.26)
7. Footballdamus (513.58)
8. Wings of Freedom (509.12)
9. Jop Suey!!! (506.60)
10. Three Eyed Ravens (477.38)
11. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (450.38)
12. Greater Fools (444.78)

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

• New England Patriots 38-24 Indianapolis Colts
• New York Jets 34-16 Denver Broncos
• Detroit Lions 31-23 Green Bay Packers
• Carolina Panthers 33-31 New York Giants
• Buffalo Bills 13-12 Tennessee Titans
• Pittsburgh Steelers 41-17 Atlanta Falcons
• Cleveland Browns 12-9 Baltimore Ravens
• Cincinnati Bengals 27-17 Miami Dolphins
• Kansas City Chiefs 30-14 Jacksonville Jaguars
• Los Angeles Chargers 26-10 Oakland Raiders 😦
• Minnesota Vikings 23-21 Philadelphia Eagles
• Los Angeles Rams 33-31 Seattle Seahawks
• Arizona Cardinals 28-18 San Francisco 49ers
• Houston Texans 19-16 Dallas Cowboys
• New Orleans Saints 43-19 Washington Redskins
• Top Plays of the Week

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Joe Buck gives Troy Aikman shit about UCLA.
• There was a problem with the chains in New England.
• Looks like Tom Brady went to Flavortown.
• When the Browns’ punter is this hype and shit talking you, you’re gonna have a bad time.
• What the hell is this abomination?
• Juju Smith-Schuster gives birth to a football.
• The Steelers’ special teams coach really likes chewing gum.
• The Chiefs celebrate an INT with a tip drill.
• You need a bit of a recovery after a fat guy TD.
• Cowboys fans right now.
• Mark Ingram and Michael Thomas get their roll on.
• When you’re no longer the NFL passing king.

COOL COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Iowa’s Kirk Ferentz isn’t exactly known as a “new school” or “exciting” head coach. But in the 2nd quarter of the Hawkeyes’ game against Minnesota, Ferentz showed an old dog can learn new tricks, including ones we’ve never seen before. Up 14-7 and facing 4th and Goal from about the five-yard line, Iowa passed on a gimme field goal and pulled out this incredible play, which ended with TE T.J. Hockenson (that’s an Iowa name if I’ve ever heard one), scoring a TD after taking a sort of pitch snap from the center. I didn’t know you could do that and I’m stunned it came from the freaking Hawkeyes. What’s gotten into the corn down there? 

FUNNY COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Big rivalry games often produce some funny, memorable, meme-able moments, especially if the underdog wins. Thank you, Texas for providing some great ones in taking down Oklahoma. First off, the Longhorns’ kicker has a funny name and I’m immature. Second, one of his kicks made a Sooner fan die on the inside. Finally, we have revenge six months in the making. When DT Keondra Coburn announced he was signing with Texas back in February, he tweeted a promise to beat Oklahoma. Ex-Oklahoma QB and current Cleveland Brown Baker Mayfield randomly tweeted back at him, calling him naive and generally shit talking Texas. Well, after the Longhorns’ 48-45 win Saturday, Coburn showed he did not forget about the little interaction, reminding Mayfield that a promise a promise. As a fan of rivalry shit talking (more on that later), I approve. 

STAT OF THE WEEK

QB controversy? Thankfully OBJ hasn’t said anything about Eli Manning lately that would be related to this stat. Also, I included the pic because holy shit Saquon Barkley’s legs are massive. 

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 11, 1964, Sonny Jurgensen began getting revenge on the team that traded him. Jurgensen was drafted by the Philadelphia Eagles in 1957 and took over the starting QB job in 1961. He promptly made the All-Pro team after passing for a then NFL-record 3,723 yards and 32 TDs. After leading the league in passing in 1962, his 1963 season started with an attempted QB strike and was filled with injuries

. So, before the 1964 season, the Eagles traded Jurgensen to the Washington Redskins for another QB, Norm Snead, and CB Claude Crabb. Jurgensen didn’t exactly like that and always made it a point to stick it to the Eagles. “After they traded me, it was always a special game for me,” Jurgensen said. “Anybody who tells you differently is lying.” That first such game came 54 years ago today, when Jurgensen’s Redskins hosted Snead’s Eagles. Jurgensen threw four TDs and Washington won 35-20. Jurgensen would finish with a 13-3 record against Philadelphia with 33 TDs against 16 INTs, and would eventually be enshrined in the Hall of Fame. Snead, meanwhile, led the league in INTs twice and Crabb didn’t do anything. Interestingly, Snead remains the last QB to win a game despite finishing with a passer rating of 0.0, going 3/14 for 26 yards and 0 TDs in a 12-9 victory over the (wait for it) Washington Redskins in 1976. Overall, this trade is considered by football historians to be one of the most lopsided in NFL history. An interesting note on the Eagles’ Super Bowl run last year is that Nick Foles wore the same number (9) as Jurgensen, meaning a #9 QB finally led Philly to the promised land all these years later

. THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1994 — Pittsburgh Steelers LB and J.J. Watt’s little brother T.J. Watt is born.
• 1991 — Redd Foxx, best known for his role as Fred Sanford (Brian’s team namesake), dies.
• 1986 — U.S. President Ronald Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev meet in Reykjavík, Iceland, to discuss scaling back their intermediate missile arsenals in Europe.
• 1984 — On board Space Shuttle Challenger, astronaut Kathryn Sullivan becomes the first American woman to perform a space walk. Yes, that’s the same Challenger than infamously blew up mid-flight two years later.
• 1982 — Fearsome Baltimore Ravens LB and notably ugly man Terrell Suggs is born.
• 1968 — NASA launches Apollo 7, the first successful manned Apollo mission.
• 1961 — Hall of Fame QB and San Francisco 49ers legend Steve Young is born.
• 1946 — Daryl Hall, half of the duo Hall & Oats, is born.
• 1937 — Bobby Charlton, Manchester United legend and one of the greatest soccer players of all time, is born.
• 1910 — Former President Theodore Roosevelt becomes the first U.S. president to fly in an airplane.
• 1906 — The San Francisco public school board sparks a diplomatic crisis by ordering Japanese students be taught in racially segregated schools.
• 1899 — Baseball’s Western League is renamed the “American League.”
• 1884 — Former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt is born.
• 1844 — Henry John Heinz, founder of the Heinz food processing company and maker of the only acceptable brand of ketchup, is born. 
• 1811 — The Juliana begins operation in New York as the first steam-powered ferry.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy National Coming Out Day! I’ll grab the low-hanging fruit (ha) and ask what’s taking Aaron Rodgers so long. Remember that whole thing?

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

WINGS OF FREEDOM (4-1) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (4-1)

I’m gonna be honest. These next two weeks probably won’t be pretty for me. Not only are the Wings of Freedom missing guys like Michael Thomas (bye), Leonard Fournette (seriously, what’s with me and star RB injuries?), and maybe Cooper Kupp (concussion), but I’m going up against what’s been the best offense so far in the league. While I’m getting a huge break by C’s Champion Team having both Drew Brees on a bye, the last time Chriss’ backup, Mitch Trubisky, played he threw for 6 TDs. Even if Trubisky doesn’t reach those lofty numbers again, Chriss still has guys like Kareem Hunt, OBJ, and Tyler Lockett to put up big points. Plus, the Texans defense has a salivating matchup with the Buffalo Bills. Interestingly, anything Khalil Mack does for Chriss, he’ll also do for me, while I have to hope the Jets running game lets Bilal Powell be a bit of a TD vulture over Isaiah Crowell. I also have to hope Michael Crabtree, Dion Lewis, and Cam Newton snap out of whatever funk they’re in right now, or else this will be a long two weeks.

DIXIE NORMOUS (4-1) VS. THE HEAVY HITTERS (3-2)

At the time of this writing, Yahoo! is predicting only a quarter of a point to separate Dixie Normous and the Heavy Hitters. From the looks of it, there’s plenty of reason to believe this matchup will live up to the hype. Even when Pat Mahomes doesn’t do well, he still gets Kyle a shit ton of points. So while Mahomes faces off against the Patriots, he’ll probably still bring plenty of thunder, more so than Nick’s Blake Bortles likely will against the Cowboys. However, Nick also has one of Mahomes’ big targets in Travis Kelce, as well as Stefon Diggs and Todd Gurley, both capable of getting “fuck you” amounts of points. Meanwhile, Kyle can counter with guys like Ezekiel Elliott, Mike Evans, Josh Gordon, and Joe Mixon. But, the Kyle’s Seahawks defense has been terrible all season, while Nick’s Chargers defense faces the Browns offense, which has also been terrible all season. This one might come down to kicking, and while Nick has Stephen Gostkowski, Kyle should probably hope Mason Crosby doesn’t miss any more FGs.

WILD HOGS (2-3) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-2)

These two squads could not have gotten more different results last week. While the Krispy Kritters put up their third 125+ point game in four weeks, the Wild Hogs scored about half of their incredible 150-point total from the week before. Now, while Jimmy hopes to right the ship, Richard looks to keep his momentum going. From the initial look at things, Jimmy has the better chance to succeed. Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, and Tevin Coleman should have awesome games against the Bucs, while Amari Cooper and Jared Cook face Seattle’s dreadful defense. However, Jones has yet to catch a TD this season and Coleman is seeing his time being split with Devonta Freeman. Meanwhile, the Raiders offense is anything but reliable. As for Richard, Andy Dalton is facing his Steelers demons, while Melvin Gordon is taking on the tough Browns defense. Still, DeAndre Hopkins is DeAndre Hopkins, and the Jaguars defense should rebound against a less-than-stellar Cowboys offense. That’s not good news for Jimmy.

THREE EYED RAVENS (3-2) VS. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (1-4)

We’ve got a Ewing Bowl, and both father and son have been going through interesting seasons. I say “interesting” even though Fred Sanford (Dummy) would probably go for “awful” instead. However, after an 0-4 start, Brian finally picked up his first win of the season in the Dad Bowl, doing so by scoring more points than the Three Eyed Ravens, who won because they went up against a terrible effort from the Wild Hogs. That’s been kind of a theme for Ewing this season, who has a winning record despite scoring the third-fewest points in the league. Can he replicate the feat against his old man? Maybe not. While Aaron Rodgers, Juju-Smith Schuster, and Saquon Barkley should go off, everyone else isn’t in exactly expected to rake in points, especially the Broncos defense against the fearsome Rams offense. As for Brian, Kirk Cousins and Adam Thielen are facing the terrible Cardinals, while Christian McCaffrey, Chris Thompson, and the Browns defense should also have good days. Brian might go back-to-back in “Bowls.”

GREATER FOOLS (2-3) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-3)

One of these two teams will get a much needed win, because both are trending in the wrong direction. Greater Fools has scored fewer than 90 points in three of their past four games, going 1-3 in that span. After scoring 154 points in their opening game, Footballdamus has lost three straight, only scoring more than 80 points once during those games. So, who’s gonna get it done? Well, both can undercut each other’s chances. Dad has Jared Goff and Keenan Allen, while Riez counters with Phillip Rivers and Brandin Cooks. Davante Adams and John Brown (Riez) and Antonio Brown and Marshawn Lynch (Dad) should also do well. But, Alvin Kamara is on a bye for Riez, while Dad has guys like Austin Ekeler and Marquez Valdes-Scantling, who I honestly didn’t know existed until I wrote up this preview. Honestly, I have no idea how this matchup will go and frankly it will likely not be that good. If they keep playing the way they are now, they won’t sniff the playoffs. Someone do something about that.

49ERS (2-3) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (0-5)

Find squads with more bizarre luck than these two. You can’t. The 49ers have lost games against teams who have scored 150 and 129 points, but also 75 points. Jop Suey!!! has done the same against teams who scored 154 and 153 points, but also 85 points (hehehe). Taylor is also winless, which sucks. He might stay that way if he doesn’t take T.Y. Hilton out of his lineup (not that I’m complaining). While Taylor might not get many points from his RBs (Adrian Peterson and David Johnson), who play tough defenses, Deshaun Watson faces the Bills, Gronk and Julian Edelman get to go up against the porous Chiefs defense, and the Rams defense will feast against the Broncos. Plus, Gronk and Edelman get to cancel out Gee’s Tom Brady, unless Josh Gordon heats up on something. Gee does have A.J. Green, Tyreek Hill, and James Conner, while the Vikings defense can go ham on the Cardinals (unless Minnesota lays another Bills game-esque egg). One of these guys has to get some good luck this week.

ONE LAST THING

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fuck the yankees.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness