Ruben's Writings

At the end of last year’s Week 7 Newsletter, I included a note about the Columbus Crew and how their fans were about to lose their team. Their jackass owner, Anthony Precourt, has been trying to force the franchise to move to Austin, TX for essentially bullshit reasons, including and “outdated stadium,” Columbus not being a “big market” (Austin is actually smaller), and a decline in attendance (not considering fans won’t want to watch a team that’s going to leave). Despite the MLS having a weird hard-on for Austin as well, a community grassroots effort called Save the Crew went to work with local politicians to try and keep their beloved team.

On Friday, the official Save the Crew account tweeted this.

It’s certainly not final, but it appears the Crew is, in fact, staying in Columbus, all thanks to the Cleveland Browns! Browns owner Jimmy Haslam and his family (plus the Columbus-based Edwards family) are in deep discussions with Major League Soccer to purchase the franchise from Precourt. The plan is for this group to essentially keep the Crew franchise in Columbus, with Haslam acting as the main owner and developing a new downtown stadium on land currently owned by the Edwards family. Meanwhile, Precourt will get the rights to start an expansion franchise in Austin. While the deal hasn’t been finalized, it’s far enough along for both the MLS and Browns to put out statements about what’s happening. 

In my note last year, I expressed dismay at seeing a historic franchise being unfairly taken away from a city that lives it, seemingly another addition to a long line of pro sports teams to jump ship. In the NFL alone, we’ve seen it three times over the past few years. Both the (St. Louis) Rams and (San Diego) Chargers jumped ship for Los Angeles, while the Oakland Raiders will soon be calling Las Vegas home. Hell, Browns fans are well aware of the pain of seeing your team leave (and winning a title as the Baltimore Ravens a few years later). The fact that it’s the Browns owner of all people who’s being the white knight in this scenario is incredible. Now, many Crew fans are pledging themselves as Browns fans as a way of saying thanks. Poor bastards.

Still, it’s better to be a fan of your city’s shitty team than for your city not to have a team at all. I think us Sacramento Kings fans can attest to that. Remember Anaheim? Virginia Beach? Seattle (which nearly happened)? Watching our seemingly inept leadership churn out lottery team after another and pass up future All-Stars for busts (prove me wrong, Marvin Bagley) is tough, but not having a team to watch would be much, much worse. So far, we’re the only city to stop a move and keep our team. It seems Columbus is about to join us on that list.

What a difference a year makes.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (5-1) DEF. WINGS OF FREEDOM (4-2)

117.34 – 100.20

I know it’s a bit nit-picky to say, but I feel like there were a few wrong bounces that, had they changed, could’ve made this a lot closer or even had Wings of Freedom getting the win. For example, the Bears-Dolphins game. Tarik Cohen having a TD taken away by a bullshit PI call, Kyle Fuller not dodging Brock Osweiler’s tackle on an INT, Cohen fumbling at the end of the 4th quarter, Kenyan Drake fumbling at the goal line, Cody Parkey missing a 53-yard FG. Shit like that. However, the Bears defense also could’ve not given up 31 points to an Osweiler-led offense, Cooper Kupp could’ve have gotten injured, and Dion Lewis and the Titans could’ve shown up. If my grandma had balls, she’d be my grandpa. Despite Cam Newtwon, Cohen, Kwon Alexander, and Michael Crabtree kicking ass, C’s Champion Team had too much firepower. Trubisky, Kareem Hunt, and the Texans defense (fuck you, Nathan Peterman), ended up being more than enough. Well earned, Chriss. Now fuck off.  

THE HEAVY HITTERS (4-2) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (4-2)

142.18 – 108.46

Today’s matchup is brought to you by the number 17! Let us count the number of 17-point efforts the Heavy Hitters got — one (Ezekiel Elliott), two (Emmanuel Sanders), three (Mason Crosby), four (the Seahawks defense). Four 17s for Kyle! Technically, Dixie Normous also got two 17s, if you count Todd Gurley’s 34 points as two. What’s more, Pat Mahomes (Kyle) and Stephen Gostkowski (Nick) combined for 51 points, which is three 17s! I think I might be stretching it a bit (or I could be losing it). Whatever. The point is, Kyle got a shit ton of scoring from basically everyone in his lineup. Mike Evans and Will Fuller were the only ones to finish in single digits and only three guys ended up with less than 13 points. That’ll get you a win most of the time. Meanwhile, it was feast or famine for Nick, with Buck Allen, Carlos Hyde, Stefon Diggs, Travis Kelce, and Jedaveon Clowney all disappointing. At least the Ks balled out, which I guess is fitting for a week themed around a soccer team.

GREATER FOOLS (3-3) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-4)

92.94 – 92.28

Now that was a nail-biter! This matchup certainly didn’t look like it would come down to the final seconds after the Sunday games wrapped up. Greater Fools was sitting pretty with a 30-point lead thanks to a dominant display from the Ravens defense (21 points) and a nice outing from Antonio Brown (16 points). Dad also survived rough days from Jared Goff, Charles Clay, Marshawn Lynch, and Myles Garrett thanks to Footballdamus getting equally bad efforts from Mike Davis, John Brown, and the Panthers defense. But then Monday Night Football happened, and in spite of a decent day from Marquez Valdes-Scantling, Devante Adams (27 points) and Robbie Gould (15 points) brought Riez to within a hair of the comeback. Unfortunately, it was the Packers who got the final field goal, with Dad holding on by less than a point. For the record, the headline in the Yahoo! recap begins with “Offensively challenged Greater Fools.” That’s the team Riez lost to for his fourth straight defeat. Hell is real, Riez, and you’re living in it.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (4-2) DEF. WILD HOGS (2-4)

122.46 – 70.60

I don’t know what’s worse, that the Krispy Kritters got -1 points from the Jaguars defense, or that Wild Hogs had FOUR players come within two points of that futility. Seriously, three players (Amari Cooper, Dalvin Cook, and Ryan Succop) contributed nothing, while Jared Cook only brought in a single point. Only three players finished in double digits, and one of them (Matt Ryan) came close to getting half of Jimmy’s total points. That’s how you barely manage to crash the 70-point mark in a fantasy football game. Good lord. For Richard, it was the opposite. Only three spots got single digits, while players like Melvin Gordon (33 points), Andy Dalton (17 points), and Luke Kuechly, DeAndre Hopkins, and Allen Robinson (12 points each), were more than enough for the win. I also don’t know what’s worse, Jimmy’s performance or these god awful jerseys (based on the official flag of the city of Columbus) the Crew put together in 2016. For the sake of the picture below, let’s say they’re equally bad.

THREE EYED RAVENS (4-2) DEF. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (1-5)

117.10 – 98.82

Strike one for the sons! While Fred Sanford (Dummy) pulled off a win in the Dad Bowl, Brian couldn’t stop his own offspring, as Three Eyed Ravens took home the Ewing Bowl. Ewing can largely thank Saquon Barkley (29 points) to thank, because he made the Eagles his children. Seriously, watch the highlights below. Insane. But, apart from Juju Smith Schuster (13 points), none of Ewing’s guys really did anything. That, coupled with nice days from Adam Thielen (18 points), Kirk Cousins (17 points), and Austin Hooper and Matt Bryant (13 points), let Brian sort of hang in there as the Sunday games came to a close. While Brian went into Monday Night Football within striking distance and Blake Martinez (12 points) had a good game, Aaron Rodgers (28 points) was simply too much to overcome and gave the Ewing Bowl to the millennial. Speaking of notable competitions, the Trillium Cup has to be up there with the Vedder Cup as one of the most random rivalries in sports.

49ERS (3-3) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (0-6)

141.90 – 99.84

Tell me if you’ve heard this one before: Jop Suey!!! put up decent numbers but ran into a buzzsaw and lost. This week, the 49ers were the buzzsaw, thanks to Tyreek Hill (32 points) James Conner (24 points) Sony Michel (22 points) and Tom Brady (21 points). Gee had this all the way, regardless of how well Andrew Luck (25 points) and Harrison Butker (18 points) did. Taylor is still searching for his first win, and it might not come anytime soon (more on tha later). Anyway, this picture is hilarious, but I have to explain source of the joke. You know how fashion and taste in sports (and everywhere else) was questionable at best in the 90’s? Say hello to the MLS, which rolled out several bad ideas in its inaugural 1996 campaign. One of them was the Kansas City Wiz. That was an actual team name with actual insane jerseys to match. The Wiz have since rebranded as Sporting Kansas City, but other fans still give them shit for their “colorful” past, as evidenced by this two-pole tifo and the Simpsons reference.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (5-1)
2. Dixie Normous (4-2)
3. The Krispy Kritters (4-2)
4. The Heavy Hitters (4-2)
5. Wings of Freedom (4-2)
6. Three Eyed Ravens (4-2)
7. 49ers (3-3)
8. Greater Fools (3-3)
9. Wild Hogs (2-4)
10. Footballdamus (2-4)
11. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (1-5)
12. Jop Suey!!! (0-6)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (751.24)
2. Dixie Normous (711.76)
3. The Krispy Kritters (707.64)
4. The Heavy Hitters (697.40)
5. 49ers (678.16)
6. Wings of Freedom (609.32)
7. Wild Hogs (609.04)
8. Jop Suey!!! (606.54)
9. Footballdamus (605.86)
10. Three Eyed Ravens (594.48)
11. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (549.20)
12. Greater Fools (537.72)

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE LESS THAN ONE MONTH AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 10TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 23 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Since you idiots apparently need reminding. The Heavy Hitters and Wild Hogs traded Ks earlier this season, so I can’t wait to see what genius ideas you all come up with next.

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

• Philadelphia Eagles 34-13 New York Giants
• Atlanta Falcons 34-29 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
• Los Angeles Chargers 38-14 Cleveland Browns
• New York Jets 42-34 Indianapolis Colts
• Seattle Seahawks 27-3 Oakland Raiders kill me
• Washington Redskins 23-17 Carolina Panthers
• Houston Texans 20-13 Buffalo Bills
• Minnesota Vikings 27-17 Arizona Cardinals
• Pittsburgh Steelers 28-21 Cincinnati Bengals
• Miami Dolphins 31-28 Chicago Bears
• Los Angeles Rams 23-20 Denver Broncos
• Baltimore Ravens 21-0 Tennessee Titans
• Dallas Cowboys 40-7 Jacksonville Jaguars
• New England Patriots 43-30 Kansas City Chiefs
• Green Bay Packers 33-30 San Francisco 49ers
• Top Plays of the Week

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• OBJ makes his case to be traded to the Packers.
• Giants fans in a nutshell.
• OBJ’s violence against inanimate objects continues.
• Troy Aikman makes an unfortunate pun with Wendell Smallwood’s name.
• Is this a scene from a football game or a porn film? This section is already headed in a weird direction.
• Hearing this pregame speech by Kirk Cousins will make you want to run through a brick wall.
• Adam Thielen scores and does perhaps the whitest dance possible.
• Leonard Floyd tries out for the WWE.
• That had to hurt.
• Adrian Peterson loses a shoe in Luke Kuechly’s helmet.
• WHAT IS WITH THE VIKINGS AND THAT STUPID DANCE?!?!
• Johnny Hekker (the P) makes a Catch of the Year candidate on the sidelines.
• Emmanuel Sanders gives no fucks about the man on the sideline.
• The Seahawks reenact the fight scene from Drumline.
• Jaron Brown does his best Cristiano Ronaldo impression. Fuck Ronaldo, fuck the Seahawks, and fuck the Raiders for this shit season.
• The Titans in a nutshell.
• Conor McGregor has more success throwing a football than fighting Khabib. Also, of course he’s doing this with the Cowboys.
• And of course those assholes did his walk as celebrations.
• “GRONK, STAND UP!“
• NBC loves the Patriots so much, they made them a wedding cake.
• “FUCK!“
• Behold, quite possibly the most Packers thing I’ve ever seen.

ANIME SHENANIGANS: 

• Mike Daniels was featured in a nearly five-minute long ESPN segment about his love for anime, in particular Dragon Ball Z. It’s spectacular, especially the part where they create an anime scene at the end. Daniels might be the biggest anime fan in American professional sports. The dude regularly posts stuff like this on Twitter, has been the subject of some kickass fan art (like this homage on a Green Bay fence), and has done interviews with both Funimation (one of the biggest anime dubbing companies in the U.S.) and Crunchyroll (one of the biggest online streamers of anime in the world). He’s also crashed San Diego Comic-Con in Naruto cosplay. He even makes DBZ Abridged references in response to pics of him dressed as Piccolo. Daniels just shot up my personal favorite professional athlete rankings.

COOL COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Chaos has arrived in the land of college footbal! Not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Top 10 teams lost this past weekend. The biggest team to fall was No. 2 Georgia, which got smacked by No. 13 LSU in Death Valley. Considering the CFP committee loves the SEC, the Bulldogs certainly aren’t out of it. But, the win keeps the Tigers alive and makes next month’s LSU-Alabama showdown all the more enticing. However, two other contenders were seemingly eliminated from playoff contention. No. 8 Penn State fell at home to an unranked Michigan State team that lost by double digits at home to Northwestern the week before. Meanwhile, No. 7 Washington came up short in overtime at No. 17 Oregon. But, the Ducks win sets up a showdown with Washington State this weekend for control of the Pac-12 North. The chaos also means that ESPN’s College Gameday chose to come to Pullman for the first time ever. Martin Stadium has been one of the few power school places to have never hosted Gameday, though that hasn’t stopped a Wazzu flag from being flown at every Gameday over the past 200+ weeks. Cougar fans are gonna make it memorable for sure. To cap the chaos, No. 6 West Virginia, which was the only FBS school to not have trailed at any point this season, became the latest ranked team to fall victim to Iowa State on the road. I don’t know what’s weirder, the curse of Ames or whatever the hell the Cyclones Marching Band did at halftime. Band geeks are weird. 

FUNNY COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Poor Rutgers. Since the former mid-major darling joined the B1G in 2014, they’ve had one winning season and a total record of 19-37, going 7-29 in conference play. The Scarlet Knights have played Ohio State five times and scored three TDs combined in those games. They’re currently on a six-game losing streak, which includes a 41-point loss to Kansas and a 29-point loss to Buffalo. This past weekend, Rutgers hosted Maryland, which took a 7-0 lead late in the first quarter. On the ensuing kickoff, the Scarlet Knights for whatever reason didn’t try to field the ball. The Terrapins, to their shock, pounced on it and essentially converted the longest onside kick you’ll ever see. Amazingly, this wasn’t even the most embarrassing part of the game for Rutgers, as they were held to just eight yards passing. That’s not a typo. Scarlet Knights QB Artur Sitkowski went 2/16 for EIGHT yards and 4 INTs. Backup Giovanni Rescigno missed his only throw after coming into the game, making it a 2/17 passing day as a whole. At this point, it’s almost too easy to shit on Rutgers, but then they do something so deserving of mockery. Did you know Rutgers won the first ever college football game, 6-4 over Princeton in 1869? What a sad time for the school described as “the birthplace of college football.” 

STAT OF THE WEEK

Washington’s record is as evenly split as the Congress that calls D.C. home.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 18, 1951, Willie Thrower became the first African-American QB to play in the “modern era” NFL. Although he had the absolute perfect name for a QB, Thrower was known instead as “Mitts” due to his large hands, especially compared to his 5’11” frame. Thrower made a name for himself at Michigan State, becoming the first African-American QB to play in the B1G in 1950. Two seasons later, Thrower played a crucial role in the Spartans winning the 1952 National Championship. After going undrafted in 1953, Thrower was signed by the Chicago Bears and became the backup to and roommate of future HOF QB George Blanda. Thrower didn’t see the field until Bears head coach George Halas became happy with Blanda’s play during a game against the San Francisco 49ers. Blanda was pulled and Thrower moved the Bears down the field, getting close to the endzone before Blanda was put back into the game. Thrower only appeared in one more game for Chicago before being released after the season. While his time in the NFL was brief, his historic presence made quite an impact. During his HOF induction speech, QB Warren Moon thanked Thrower, among others, for inspiring him at a time when virtually no NFL QBs were black

. THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2013 — Former NFL head coach Bum Phillips dies.
• 1984 — Lindsey Vonn, arguably the greatest skier (men or women) of all time, is born.
• 1975 — Alex Cora, manager of the 108-win Boston Red Sox that eliminated the rival yankees from the playoffs, is born.
• 1974 — Chicago Bulls center Nate Thurmond becomes the first player in NBA history to record a quadruple-double, finishing with 22 points, 14 rebounds, 13 assists, and 12 blocks (holy shit) in a 120-115 win over the Atlanta Hawks.
• 1973 — Rachel Nichols, one of the most prominent female journalists in sports, is born.
• 1970 — Doug Mirabelli, former MLB catcher and member of the 2004 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox, is born.
• 1968 — The U.S. Olympic Committee suspends sprinters Tommie Smith and John Carlos for giving “black power” salute as a protest during the medal ceremony for the men’s 200m at the 1968 Summer Olympics.
• 1963 — Félicette, a black and white female Parisian cat, becomes the first feline to be launched into space. She survived!
• 1960 — Popular action film star Jean-Claude Van Damme is born.
• 1956 — Martina Navratilova, considered the greatest non-Serena Williams female tennis player of all time, is born.
• 1950 — Connie Mack retires as manager of the Philadelphia Athletics after 50 years, the longest tenure of any manager in MLB history.
• 1939 — Legendary NFL TE and head coach Mike Ditka is born. Lee Harvey Oswald, who shot and killed President John F. Kennedy, is also born. Weird.
• 1931 — Thomas Edison, great inventor who totally didn’t steal anything from Nikola Tesla at all, dies.
• 1928 — Iconic sports broadcaster Keith Jackson is born.
• 1926 — Chuck Berry, rock and roll pioneer and one of the greatest guitarists of all time, is born. Holy shit a lot of famous people were born on this day.
• 1898 — The U.S. takes possession of Puerto Rico, which should be our 51st state, from Spain.
• 1867 — The Territory of Alaska is officially transferred from Russia to the U.S., which paid $7.2M for its 49th state. 
• 1851 — The classic novel Moby-Dick is first published as The Whale in London. 
• 1648 — Boston shoemakers form first American labor organization.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy National No Beard Day! While I’m fully aware I look better clean shaven, my laziness overrides any sort of self-value. 

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (5-1) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (0-6)

I still can’t believe this was an actual crest used for an actual professional soccer team in America. The Wild West days of American soccer were truly amazing. Anyway, you can probably call these first three matchups “The Asswhoopings” given how lopsided they seemingly are. This one is pretty obvious. The first place C’s Champion Team is facing the winless, rock bottom Jop Suey!!! Chriss is a big favorite, and for good reason. OBJ, Kareem Hunt, and Isaiah Crowell are each facing defenses susceptible to big plays, while Zach Ertz is on a tear and the Texans defenses gets a Jaguars offense held to seven points by the Cowboys. Meanwhile, Taylor has Adrian Peterson facing that same defense this week, while the surprisingly lackluster Rams defense battles the surprisingly potent 49ers offense. Still, David Josnson, Gronk, and Andrew Luck should have good days. Chriss can counter with Drew Brees, but Brees is facing the one team he’s never beaten: the Ravens. Can he (and Chriss) get it done?

THE HEAVY HITTERS (4-2) VS. GREATER FOOLS (3-3)

This matchup exemplifies one of the biggest complaints against fantasy football. The Heavy Hitters are punching people’s lights out, having just put up 142 points last week. Greater Fools has scored the least amount of points in the entire league (160 less than their opponent this week). The two squads are… only one game apart in the standings. Dad always complains that he always loses despite scoring a lot, so he can shut up. He won’t likely score much more this week, considering Antonio Brown, Marshawn Lynch, and Doug Baldwin are on byes. Names like Austin Ekeler, Derrick Henry, and Charles Clay don’t exactly inspire confidence. Names like Pat Mahomes, Ezekiel Elliott, Mike Evans, and Joe Mixon do. However, those guys are on Kyle’s team. Despite having the strong Ravens defense, I don’t expect Dad to win this one. I don’t know if Kyle expects to win with neither a D nor a K, but both spots are empty right now. You might want to get on that, man.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (4-2) VS. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (1-5)

Fred Sanford (Dummy)’s happiness was short lived, both in fantasy football and for the real life Buffalo Bills. This could continue against the Krispy Kritters, considering Brian has only finished in the triple digits once, while Richard has broken the 120-point mark four times in his last five games. Brian also has a somewhat turnover-happy Kirk Cousins facing the ballhawk Jets defense, the Browns defense against the Buccaneers offense in a “Who can be less bad?” showdown, and LeSean McCoy on a team with Derek Anderson as QB. He does have Adam Thielen and Christian McCaffrey, who can put up some points. As for Richard, having a resurgent Andy Dalton isn’t a bad replacement for Ben Roethisberger on a bye week, while Melvin Gordon and Mark Ingram are also good for some nice scoring. So is DeAndre Hopkins, but any TDs will take away from Richard’s Jaguars defense, which isn’t looking so hot right now. Still, it should be a comfortable win.

DIXIE NORMOUS (4-2) VS. WINGS OF FREEDOM (4-2)

If we’re honest, this one probably will fall into the “ass-whooping” category as well. However, I refuse to get that down on my Wings of Freedom (I’ll save my pessimism for the Raiders and Kings). I do get Michael Thomas back from a bye, so if he does well, Cam Newton plays well for an entire game for once, and the Bears defense actually shows up this time, I might have a chance. However, Dion Lewis needs to actually do something and Bilal Powell needs to have another strong game. If only I had a consistent, stellar RB to stop my woes (where the hell are you, Leonard Fournette?). Dixie Normous didn’t do so well last week, but they still scored more than I did. This week, Nick gets Matt Stafford back. Good for him. He really needs to fill the point deficit and all he has is guys like Stefon Diggs, Travis Kelce, and Todd “Fucking” Gurley. With Buck Allen and Demaryius Thomas to back him up, Nick has all the makings of an easy win this week. I’m not trying to jinx him at all, I swear.

THREE EYED RAVENS (4-2) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-4)

Will you assholes check your damn lineups already? How am I supposed to do a preview when both Three Eyed Ravens and Footballdamus have two empty spots in their lineup? I mean, I can probably guess who’s going to get swapped out. Ewing will replace Aaron Rodgers and Juju Smith-Schuster with Joe Flacco and Tyler Boyd, while Riez switches Devante Adams and Mike Davis with DeSean Jackson and Alvin Kamara. But still, the point stands! Speaking of points, these two have scored nearly the exact same points so far this year, but are going in complete opposite directions. Riez has lost his last four games, while Ewing has won four of his past five. Both have RBs (Kamara and Saquon Barkley) that can light up a scoreboard, but questions at WR could put a cap on just how many points both teams put up. On paper, Riez has the edge in QB (Philip Rivers) and D (Panthers), while Von Miller could negate and positives the Broncos defense gives Ewing. That could be the difference.

49ERS (3-3) VS. WILD HOGS (2-4)

Maybe I should’ve included this one in the “Ass Whooping” category as well, because man this bye week did not do Wild Hogs any favors. Jimmy will be without the services of Amari Cooper, Aaron Jones, Jared Cook, and the Packers defense this week. Although, maybe this is a blessing in disguise, considering how badly all four have sucked. Currently on Jimmy’s bench to replace them: Marvin Jones (not bad), Phillip Lindsay (not terrible), the Bengals defense (facing the best offense in football), and no TE (not good). Well, have fun shopping, Jimmy! I don’t think Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, and Tevin Coleman can ball out enough to get the win, especially facing what the 49ers are bringing. Tom Brady, A.J. Green, Tyreek Hill, Kenyan Drake, Alshon Jeffrey, and the Vikings defense are all pretty good to have on your roster, and they’re all on Gee’s. While the Rams likely tear into the real 49ers, at least Gee knows every ball kicked through the uprights by Greg Zuerlein gets him points. This is why I can’t have a rival player on my team.

ONE LAST THING

There’s a big part of the whole Crew staying in Columbus thing I didn’t talk about in the intro. When the MLS announced its big expansion push, they selected 12 candidate cities which, presumably, were going to be the pool from where future franchises were chosen. Austin was not one of those cities, and never even submitted an expansion application. ATX seemingly jumping past ten of those cities (Nashville and Cincinnati have since been granted expansion slots) in the pecking order is not sitting well with some. San Antonio is particularly pissed, considering they’ve taken steps to building a stadium for an MLS team and another Texas team really shortens their odds of getting in. They’re already suing the MLS for what’s happened so far.

Of course, this also impacts the city objectively most deserving of the next expansion spot: Sacramento. The MLS has said there will be two rounds of expansion: teams 25 and 26 first, then teams 27 and 28. With Miami finally getting its shit together and Nashville and Cincinnati being named 25 and 26, that sent Sacramento’s hopes straight towards the second round. Now, Austin apparently will be team 27, halving Sacramento’s odds. What’s more, the extra time gives other cities (like San Diego and St. Louis) the chance to get their own shit together and present Sacramento with a tougher challenge. While few experts believe the MLS will actually stop at 28 teams, it’s another bump in the road for the Capitol City.

Sacramento’s (unfinished) path to the MLS has been an… interesting one to say the least. After Republic FC became the new darlings of American soccer in 2014, breaking attendance records and winning a championship, it seemed a matter of when, not if, Sacramento made the jump to the MLS. That’s exactly what MLS commissioner Don Garber said during a visit to Sacramento a few years ago. Since then, the MLS has delayed the process enough for other teams to (in their eyes) eclipse Sacramento, there was a not pretty incident where Republic FC was left out of the city’s expansion bid for a while, and Meg Whitman dropped out of the ownership group, leaving big questions about the bid’s financial power that haven’t been answered. 

After this latest setback, Republic FC and owner Kevin Nagle issued statements essentially they’re still confident in Sacramento’s chances of getting an expansion spot. I mean, it’s not like they’re going to say, “Oh we’re totally screwed.” This whole thing has been depressing and my city has pretty much become the MLS version of Seattle to the NBA — nothing more than a threat to hang over the heads of other cities the league really wants to be in instead (ironic, I know). There’s still part of me that remains optimistic, but it’s becoming smaller and smaller. I don’t know what’s gonna happen next or when it will happen. I probably won’t like it.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness