Ruben's Writings

It’s Halloween time, y’all! Halloween is my second favorite holiday (the 4th of July being #1), so I have no problem making this the first repeat theme of the newsletter. But, I don’t want to just do the same exact thing over again (the Nightmare Before Christmas parody took way too much effort). So, I’m gonna pick a specific part of the whole Halloween/spookiness vibe to focus on.

This is gonna sound weird considering what’s coming next, but I’m not the biggest fan of horror films. This isn’t because the 1986 sci-fi/horror flick Aliens is the only movie to ever genuinely scare me and give me nightmares (I was afraid to take a shower because I thought one of those face-huggers would pop up out of the drain). Fuck that movie with a cactus. No, it’s because the genre simply doesn’t appeal to me. I’m not going to willingly spend an hour and a half watching some bad guy chop people’s heads off or torture people, or some hidden evil systematically kill a group of people one by one, or some supernatural being scare the shit out of people. That’s just not my thing. Granted, I’m also one of like three people alive who don’t binge watch murder mysteries and serial killer documentaries on Netflix, but still.Plus, the vast majority of horror films heavily rely on gore, jump scares, bad effects, and other generic ideas versus actually having a plot. I do enjoy some classic horror films like Psycho and The Shining, as well as clever modern movies like The Cabin in the Woods. Those films actually have interesting, unique plots and don’t keep going back to the average cheap horror trick. Sure, they incorporate their fair share of them, but it’s not central to the story or the appeal. However, those kinds of films make up like maybe 5% of the genre, which is filled with unnecessary sequels from franchises ridden into the ground. Seriously, we didn’t need eight Saw movies or six Paranormal Activity movies. While the originals might’ve been groundbreaking, all of the extra follow-ups have ruined those franchises in the eyes of many.

With all that being said, I’m injecting a whole lot of horror into this week’s newsletter and squeezing every last spooky pun I can out of this holiday.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (6-1) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (0-7)

125.28 – 125.10

HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLYYYYY SSSSSHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!! The first place C’s Champion Team came scary close to falling to the winless Jop Suey!!! in what would’ve been the upset of the season. The Rams defense went off for 23 points, while great days from Baker Mayfield (20 points), Jarvis Landry (15 points), and T.Y. Hilton (14 points) put Taylor out in front heading into Monday Night Football (though Kareem Hunt’s 32 points kept it close enough). However, just when Taylor thought he had Chriss cornered, OBJ came through to slay the threat. With five seconds left, an OBJ TD gave him 20 points, enough to give Chriss the victory by .18 points! Here’s the thing though: Taylor would’ve won if he had CHECKED HIS ROSTER to see that Gronk was out. Literally any TE who caught a pass would’ve been enough. But no. First it was Hilton, then Gronk. Who else will Taylor miss next time? I think you’re winless for a reason, Taylor, and it ain’t just bad luck.  

WINGS OF FREEDOM (5-2) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (4-3)

104.66 – 78.74

Three years ago, Blake Bortles stepped up when Andrew Luck went down to lead me to my first ever fantasy football championship and bragging rights over my FOX40 coworkers. This past weekend, Bortles came through for me once again, sucking so horrifically badly that he was benched and giving Dixie Normous just one point. When your QB is the lowest scoring player in the matchup, you’re gonna have a bad time. Neither Todd Gurley’s 26 points nor Jadeveon Clowney 16 points (there’s a silver lining in the Bortles awfulness) were nearly enough to rescue Nick, especially when Stefon Diggs, Demaryius Thomas, Peyton Barber and Buck Allen didn’t do shit either. Wings of Freedom also had an uncharacteristically high scoring day (yes, I count scoring in the triple digits as high scoring) thanks to Cam Newton (25 points) remembering he could play football in the 4th quarter and good days from Dion Lewis (15 points), Tarik Cohen (12 points), Michael Thomas (12 points), and David Njoku (11 points). But, Bortles was my real MVP. 

THE HEAVY HITTERS (5-2) DEF. GREATER FOOLS (3-4)

115.24 – 95.78

Players were either amazing or terrible in this matchup, with little in-between. Unfortunately for Greater Fools, more of their players fell into the latter. Sure, Latavius Murray (20 points), Jared Goff (16 points), Dan Bailey (14 points), and Derrick Henry (13 points) had nice outings, but the majority of Dad’s roster finished in single digits. Dad got just 12 combined points from his WRs, while Charley Clay finished in the negatives. In fact, Clay’s negative was worse than the negative Matt Breida gave the Heavy Hitters. While Dad was let down by his players who caught the ball, Kyle only saw nine combined points from his guys who run it (Breida, Ezekiel Elliott, and Joe Mixon). However, as for catching and throwing, Kyle was sitting pretty. Pat Mahomes (33 points) and Emmanuel Sanders (21 points) led the way, while the Colts defense took advantage of playing the Buffalo Bills and put up 19 points of their own. Despite a decent fight, Dad remains the lowest scorer in the league and his nightmare season continues.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (2-5) DEF.  THE KRISPY KRITTERS (4-3)

103.94 – 86.32

Alright, so I went 1-for-3 in my “asswhoopings” prediction from last week. One was an asswhooping, one was as close as you can get, and one was an asswhooping, but in the opposite way I thought it would. Props to Fred Sanford (Dummy) for slashing through the Krispy Kritters thanks to solid days from pretty much everyone except for LeSean McCoy (who got hurt). The VIkings combo of Kirk Cousins and Adam Thielen (17 points each) led the way, with Giorgio Tavecchio (16 points), the Browns defense (14 points), and Devin Funchess (12 points) making nice contributions as well. See Brian, that’s what happens when you start Cousins! As for Richard, monster days from James White and Luke Kuechly (21 points each) went to waste due to Allen Robinson’s goose egg, another shitty prime time game by Andy Dalton, and because an injured Melvin Gordon was left in the lineup. Seriously people, CHECK YOUR GODDAMN ROSTERS! It could come back to haunt you.

49ERS (4-3) DEF. WILD HOGS (2-5)

127.40 – 85.06

I’m tempted to call this a “feast or famine” matchup, but it’s not quite that extreme. Maybe “‘ate a nice seafood dinner‘or famine” would work better. Regardless, the 49ers did the eating, while the Wild Hogs went hungry. Let’s start with those with full bellies. Gee had only two players tally up single digits, and one of them (Sony Michel) got hurt. While no one particularly went off, Carson Wentz (19 points). Trey Burton (18 points), Nick Chubb and Alshon Jeffery (14 points each), and Greg Zuerlein and Tyreek Hill (13 points each) all brought in more than a dozen points. You’re not going to lose a lot of games with those kinds of numbers. For Jimmy and his band of starving misfits, it was almost exactly the opposite. Only three players — Matt Ryan (19 points), Darius Leonard (16 points), and Tevin Coleman (14 points) — got double digit points. Meanwhile, four roster spots (Marvin Jones, Nyheim Hines, Frank Gore, and the Cowboys defense) ended in single digits. That’s not good, especially against an opponent with a big appetite.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-4) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-3)

117.94 – 108.96

Three Eyed Ravens hasn’t exactly been the highest scoring team in the league, but still kept piling up the wins. Sometimes, you’re going to run into a point machine and predictably come up short. Well, this past weekend Footballdamus (loser of four straight games) remembered how to score and snapped their streak. Other than Cameron Brate putting up a goose egg, Riez didn’t have a single roster spot contribute less than five points. Philip Rivers (20 points), John Brown (19 points), and Lamar Miller (15 points) all did well, as did Von Miller, Alvin Kamara, and Brandin Cooks (13 points each). Now, Ewing didn’t have a bad week by any means. He actually scored decently above average. But, aside from an insane day from the Broncos defense (32 points) and nice outings from Joe Flacco (19 points), and Saquon Barkley (17 points), no one else really did shit for him, with Tyler Boyd, Nelson Agholor, and Jordan Reed doing extra nothing. Oh well, at least Ewing’s real life favorite team didn’t lose a heartbreaker or anything.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (6-1)
2. The Heavy Hitters (5-2)
3. Wings of Freedom (5-2)
4. 49ers (4-3)
5. The Krispy Kritters (4-3)
6. Dixie Normous (4-3)
7. Three Eyed Ravens (4-3)
8. Footballdamus (3-4)
9. Greater Fools (3-4)
10. Wild Hogs (2-5)
11. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (2-5)
12. Jop Suey!!! (0-7)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (876.52)
2. The Heavy Hitters (812.64)
3. 49ers (805.56)
4. The Krispy Kritters (793.96)
5. Dixie Normous (790.50)
6. Jop Suey!!! (731.54)
7. Footballdamus (723.80)
8. Wings of Freedom (713.98)
9. Three Eyed Ravens (703.44)
10. Wild Hogs (694.10)
11. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (653.14)
12. Greater Fools (633.50)

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE LESS THAN THREE WEEKS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 10TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 16 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

No excuses this time, motherfuckers.

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

• Denver Broncos 45-10 Arizona Cardinals
• Los Angeles Chargers 20-19 Tennessee Titans
• Carolina Panthers 21-17 Philadelphia Eagles
• Minnesota Vikings 37-17 New York Jets
• Indianapolis Colts 37-5 Buffalo Bills
• New England Patriots 38-31 Chicago Bears
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers 26-23 Cleveland Browns
• Houston Texans 20-7 Jacksonville Jaguars
• Detroit Lions 32-21 Miami Dolphins
• New Orleans Saints 24-23 Baltimore Ravens
• Washington Redskins 20-17 Dallas Cowboys
• Kansas City Chiefs 45-10 Cincinnati Bengals
• Atlanta Falcons 23-20 New York Giants
• Top Plays of the Week

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Kurt Warner gets tackled by Larry Fitzgerald on live TV.
• Troy Aikman roasts the Cardinals.
• Chris Harris gets revenge for Warner by accidentally cup-checking Fitzgerald.
• True love. Better tell Rivers’ life.
• Eric Reid hits Carson Wentz late, then body slams Zach Ertz.
• Alshon Jeffery tries some sort of free kick thing after scoring a TD.
• Stephen Weatherly just rolls along.
• Baker Mayfield finally realizes what being on the Browns does to a man’s soul.
• Bengals fans in a nutshell.
• Joe Buck: “What a disgusting act by OBJ!“
• Eli Manning is a meme at this point.
• Matt Ryan does his best Link impression.
• Booger McFarland talks about going to the bathroom on the sidelines.
• Calvin Ridley is impressed.
• Ah, so that’s why they called him “The Sheriff.”

COUGAR COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• It was a day some never thought would come: ESPN’s College Gameday in Pullman, WA. With the Gameday crew finally on campus, could the Washington State faithful make the occasion live up to the hype? Oh yes. There was the huge reception for the Gameday bus. There was the enormous crowd and massive sea of crimson to start the show. There were the feature stories on some Wazzu legends, such as the Ol’ Crimson flag and Popcorn Guy, complete with the Gameday crew chowing down on some popcorn themselves. There was the WSU crowd singing “Back Home” during a commercial break. Of course, there was Lee Corso’s headgear pick, which of course went in the home team’s favor. On the field, the Cougars didn’t disappoint, jumping out to a 27-0 halftime lead and holding on for a 34-20 win over Oregon. Gameday has been around for 31 years and hadn’t made its way to Pullman until this past weekend. Based on the incredible show, I don’t think it’ll take another 31 for a return trip. Well done, Cougs. 

HEARTWARMING COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Get your tissues ready, folks. Gameday put together this emotional piece on Tyler Trent, a Purdue student and diehard Boilermaker fan who’s battling bone cancer. Trent (who’s been diagnosed twice since he was 15), has become ingrained with Purdue’s sports programs, though this year his illness has left him unable to attend school. Well, not only did Trent predict that Purdue would upset No. 2 Ohio State, but he was able to make it to the stadium to cheer his Boilermakers on. With Trent in attendance, Purdue didn’t just win, they beat the shit out of the Buckeyes 49-20. Sometimes, life really is a fairy tale. Cancer sucks.

INSANE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Are you ready for one of the most batshit crazy endings to a sporting event ever? Here we go: Western Kentucky scores a TD to go on top of Old Dominion 34-27 with about 1:40 left to play. But, the Monarchs manage to drive down the field and tie it at 34-34 with nine seconds left. This is when the insanity begins. One what you’d think would be the last play of regulation, the Hilltoppers throw an incomplete pass up the middle. However, Old Dominion is called for roughing the passer, giving Western Kentucky an untimed down. The Hilltoppers go for a 57-yard FG, which is short. But, the Monarchs had 12 men on the field, so Western Kentucky gets another shot from 52 yards out. That kick is short as well, and this time Old Dominion has a return man in the endzone. The Monarchs nearly return the missed kick for a TD, but the return man is taken out of bounds 15 yards away. Overtime now? Not so fast, my friend. The Hilltoppers are called for a facemask on the play, setting up a third straight untimed down at the eight-yard line. Old Dominion makes the 26-yard FG as time (finally) expires for the 37-34 win. Can’t believe it? See for yourself. Ho. Ly. Shit.

PETTY COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a huge fan of petty rivalry bullshit. Well, there was a huge stinking pile of it in East Lansing this past weekend. Apparently, Michigan State has a pregame tradition where they walk across the field before every home game. Well, they were apparently late to do so this past weekend and Michigan was already warming up. But, the Spartans decided to lock arms and walk anyway, knocking into some Wolverines in the process. One of those Wolverines was Devin Bush, who decided to take some anger out on the Spartan logo at midfield, which apparently caused a slight delay as the grounds crew worked to fix it. Three hours later, Michigan pulled out a 21-7 win and knew exactly where to celebrate, taking the Paul Bunyan Trophy straight to the midfield logo. Because we apparently needed more pettiness, Wolverines DE Chase Winovich told the media after the game that “little brother” had to be put in place. That led to a classic “young people shouldn’t say anything bad” Twitter take from a East Lansing Journal reporter, who was promptly roasted by Winovich himself. The cherry on top: that last response was from Bush. I have multiple coworkers from Michigan/Michigan State, so I’m way more invested in this rivalry than I should be. Let’s just say I’ve heard “The Victors” a lot lately. 

HAWAIIAN COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Once I saw this I knew I had to get it in here somehow. Legendary Hawaiian guitarist Willie K was called on to perform the National Anthem before the Hawaii-Nevada game. What he delivered was a beautiful rendition that I guarantee you’ve never heard before. Seriously, you guys have to check this out. It’s amazing.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Sorry Ewing, but this was way too amazing. I mean, what are the odds? At least Ewing got the wi… oh. Well, nevermore then — I mean, nevermind then!

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 25, 1964, Jim Marshall ran the wrong way. Before and after this day 54 years ago, Marshall had a great football career. He won the 1957 National Championship with Ohio State and the 1969 NFL championship with the Minnesota Vikings. He made the Pro Bowl twice. He held the NFL records for most consecutive starts (270) and games played (282). After retiring, his #70 was retired by the Vikings and he was inducted into the Vikings Ring of Honor. Still, he will forever be known for what’s almost universally considered the most embarrassing play in NFL history. During a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall recovered a fumble at the Niners’ 34-yard line. However, Marshall was hit on the play and somehow thought the Vikings’ endzone was the 49ers’ endzone. So, he took off and ran 66 yards into his own endzone, throwing the ball out of bounds in celebration of what he thought was a TD. It actually ended up being a -66-yard fumble recovery for a safety. The gaffe made Marshall the target of national laughter, but he was a good sport. That probably had a lot to do with the fact that the Vikings won the game thanks to Marshall forcing a fumble that was actually returned for a TD this time. An interesting note: not too long after the game, Marshall received a letter from Roy Riegels. 35 years earlier, Riegels had committed a similar mistake while competing for Cal, returning a Georgia Tech fumble 65 yards the wrong way. Whereas Marshall’s mistake happened during a meaningless regular season game, Riegels’ error took place in the 1929 Rose Bowl, which the Golden Bears lost. Riegel’s letter to Marshall simply stated, “Welcome to the club.” 

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2015 — NBA head coach Flip Saunders dies just over two months after being diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
• 1995 — Bobby Riggs, who won both the 1939 U.S. Open and Wimbledon titles and lost to Billie Jean King in the famous 1973 “Battle of the Sexes” match, dies.
• 1985 — Ciara, AKA Mrs. Russell Wilson, is born.
• 1984 — Singer Katy Perry, known for her tremendously large talent, huge entertainment value, and sizable vocal range, is born. Don’t click on those at work or in range of significant others.
• 1971 — HOF pitcher Pedro Martinez, three-time Cy Young winner and member of the 2004 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox, is born.
• 1944 — The Battle of Leyte Gulf, the largest naval battle of World War II and the largest naval battle in the history of warfare, takes place between the U.S. and Imperial Japanese Navys.
• 1940 — Benjamin Davis, Sr. is named the first African-American general of the U.S. Army. Also, iconic basketball coach, chair-thrower, and all-around asshole Bob Knight is born.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy 

National Chucky, the Notorious Killer Doll Day! Yes, that’s what it’s actually called. Yes, I chose it because it fits the theme. No, I’m not going to make a Chucky-Jon Gruden joke. It’s too easy. It’s not like he had a Chucky doll in his QB Camp set. Plus, Chucky’s face is not nearly as horribly scarred and mangled as the Raiders’ season so far. 
I wrote that before the Amari Cooper trade. Fucking hell, man.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (6-1) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (4-3)

Man, this matchup would’ve been so much more hype two weeks ago. Since then, Dixie Normous has hit a two-game slide and is in danger of possibly being in danger in the standings. Still, these are two Top 5 scoring teams, so this should be a good one. Although considering what happened last week, Nick miiiiiiiiiiight want to think about swapping out Blake Bortles for Matt Stafford. Nick should also hope Stefon Diggs, Demaryius Thomas, Peyton Barber, and Buck Allen actually do something this week. As good as he is, Todd Gurley can’t do it alone. Meanwhile, C’s Champion Team looks ready to fire. While Drew Brees and OBJ could maybe have average days, Kareem Hunt will probably explode against the defense that let the Jets run all over them. Speaking of, Isaiah Crowell will benefit from Bilal Powell’s injury and receive even more carries. Chriss is also hoping for a low scoring showdown in the Bears-Dolphins game, considering he has both the Bears defense and Kiko Alonso. 

THE HEAVY HITTERS (5-2) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-3)

The team that always seems to score against the team that needs to score more. The Heavy Hitters are truly the embodiment of their name last season (WRs-R-Us), with Mike Evans, Emmanuel Sanders, and Josh Gordon all expected to do well. However, RB might not be so hot of a position for Kyle this week, considering Ezekiel Elliott’s on a bye and Joe Mixon, Buck Allen, and Matt Brieda are coming off disappointing weeks. Granted, it might help that Kyle also has Pat “The Second Coming of Christ” Mathomes and his like 1,000 points per game. As for Three Eyed Ravens, they have the very Broncos defense Mahomes gets to carve up. Scoring might also be tough to come by unless Chris Hogan, Tyler Boyd, and Jordan Reed suddenly go off. Sure, Ewing gets Aaron Rodgers and Juju Smith-Schuster back from byes. But, both are facing tough defensive matchups in the Rams and Browns, respectively. Much like Todd Gurley, Saquon Barkley simply can’t do it all alone.

WINGS OF FREEDOM (5-2) VS. GREATER FOOLS (3-4)

So, what do I get for earning a nice, unexpected win? Not one, but TWO players (Bilal Powell and Kwon Alexander) getting season-ending injuries! Fuck me. Well, I can always call up Aaron Donald to replace Alexander, and there’s a great RB sitting on my bench to step up for Powell. Oh, what’s that? Leonard Fournette will be out for ANOTHER TWO WEEKS?!? God fucking damn it what’s with me and RBs in early rounds? Anyway, looks like it’s another week of relying on Cam Newton, Michael Thomas, Tarik Cohen, and the Bears defense for the Wings of Freedom. Carlos Hyde proving to be a smart acquisition. At least I get to play the lowest scoring team in the league. While Jared Goff, Antonio Brown, and the Ravens defense genuinely scare me, the rest of the Greater Fools lineup leaves something to be desired. Also, I may have mentioned this in years past, but I have a pretty damn good record against my old man. Sorry, Dad. You’re gonna get another Dominguez Bowl loss at the hands of your son.

49ERS (4-3) VS. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (2-5)

You can never count out the champ, as Fred Sanford (Dummy) proved last week. However, with more than half of the regular season in the review mirror, Brian has to keep winning if he wants a shot at a three-peat. The Kirk Cousins-Adam Thielen connection will be crucial in that department, and should be profitable against the Saints defense. Kerryon Johnson and the Browns defense also have to do well, especially considering Devin Funchess and Christian McCaffrey have a tough matchup against the Ravens defense. Most importantly, Brian has to hope the 49ers don’t explode again. A.J. Green and Tyreek Hill should both do well this week, while a potentially dynamite RB tandem in Nick Chubb and James Conner (back from the bye) could help put Gee over the top. However, the worst news is yet to come. Unfortunately for Brian, Gee has Tom Brady in his lineup. Double unfortunately, Brady is facing the Bills, so he will likely crush Brian’s soul as well as his fantasy team.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (4-3) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-4)

Two streaks ended last week. The Krispy Kritters lost their first game in four weeks, while Footballdamus ended a four-game skid. Now, Richard hopes to cut his newest streak short, while Riez aims to keep his going. Both are getting QBs (Ben Roethlisberger and Russell Wilson, respectively) back from byes. Both defenses (Jaguars and Panthers) and defensive players (Luke Kuechly and Von Miller could be in for rough matchups. Richard has  players who can break out (DeAndre Hopkins and James White) but also guys with question marks around them, whether it be injuries (Allen Robinson) or playing for a down team (T.J. Yeldon). Guess what It’s the same for Riez! Brandin Cooks and DeSean Jackson could go off, while Lamar Miller and John Brown might be in for rough days. In the end, this matchup could come down to the Saints running game. Richard has Mark Ingram, while Riez counters with Alvin Kamara. Whether or not Ingram turns into a TD vulture will be hugely important to which squad gets the win.

JOP SUEY!!! (0-7) VS. WILD HOGS (2-5)

Needless to say, this hasn’t been the best season for Jop Suey!!! Being in the top half of the scoring race has meant nothing thanks to some absolute shit luck. However, this may finally be the week Taylor gets his first win. It simply has to be, considering everything going in his favor. The opponent: Wild Hogs, which are on an abysmal stretch of play right now. Only two other teams have scored fewer points so far. What’s more, three of Jimmy’s best players, Matt Ryan, Tevin Coleman, and Julio Jones, are on the same team, which happens to be on a bye this week. While Darius Leonard, Case Keenum, and Phillip Lindsay could do well, it likely might not be enough. As for Taylor, David Johnson, Gronk, Julian Edelman, and the Jaguars defense all have fantastic matchups. If all of that wasn’t enough good mojo going in his favor, Taylor also has Andrew Luck, T.Y. Hilton, and Marlon Mack facing the Raiders, meaning that he’ll at least benefit from his favorite team’s suffering. Speaking of…

ONE LAST THING

So… wow. 

Less than two years ago, the Oakland Raiders featured an MVP-candidate QB and the league’s most exciting offense, were about to go 12-3 on their best season in a decade and a half, and had a legit shot at a Super Bowl. Then, Derek Carr broke his fucking leg. Now we suck again, gave a 10-year, $100M deal to a TV analyst, are moving to Las Vegas, made a QB who plays with footsteps in his ears one of the highest paid players in football, and made a nearly complete roster overhaul, trading away one of the best defensive players in the NFL and now… Amari Cooper.

It still feels a little surreal, though maybe it’s because I’m still picturing how good the Raiders (and Cooper) used to be. Cooper came into the league in 2015 and started killing it (albeit with his fair share of drops), forming the popular “AC/DC” connection with Carr. During that magical 2016 season, Carr, Cooper, and Michael Crabtree led the league on fire. But since then, Cooper’s fallen off a cliff. Sure, he had games like his 210-yard, 2-TD performance against the Chiefs last season. However, those were often few and far between, with his drop problem turning into the first legit case of a human having hands of stone (Mike Tyson aside).  

Was his decline due to Carr and the offensive overall having a setback? Were his breakout seasons a mirage? Did we overrate him? Honestly, I don’t know. I do think the Cowboys gave up too much for him (holy shit, a 1st round pick!) given his current value. Maybe a change of scenery will revitalize his career, although Dak Prescott on his best day can’t hold Carr’s dick (and that’s not necessarily a praise of Carr). What makes this all the more bittersweet was the fact that his last moments in Silver and Black were spent being led to far by Carr, getting concussed, and having to leave the game. By the way, a penalty not being called on that play was absolute bullshit and yet another example of both the stupidity of these new roughing rules and the NFL hating the Raiders.

This whole thing just serves as another harsh reminder of what could’ve been, how fleeting success can be, and how we’re now back in the cellar of the NFL. I don’t have the faintest clue what Jon Gruden and Reggie McKenzie’s plan is, but a lengthy rebuild is likely coming. Still, that rebuild looks a lot better with three 1st round picks (this doesn’t make up for the Khalil Mack trade in the slightest). However, being a Raiders and Sacramento Kings fan, I’m not going to be the first to be confident in my team’s management making smart decisions and not picking the next Robert Gallery or JaWalrus Russell. Please god let us beat the 49ers, go 2-14, draft Nick Bosa first overall, and somehow get Ed Oliver and A.J. Brown, too. 

Also, if Carr could stop sucking, that would be great.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness