Ruben's Writings

(clears throat)

Ahem…WORLD MOTHERFUCKING SERIES CHAMPS, BABY!!!!!!!!!

Before this season, this crop of Boston Red Sox players were thought of as guys who couldn’t get it done in the playoffs. They had just gotten a rookie manager and their overpaid signees (especially David Price) wouldn’t do much. Their arch rivals from New York were thought to be a class above, especially after getting NL MVP Giancarlo Stanton in exchange for peanuts (fuck you, Derek Jeter). In fact, I distinctly remember an article appearing on The Ringer on the eve of the regular season with a headline that pissed me off when I saw it, but I now find hilarious.

Well guess what happened? The yankees proved their mettle by winning 100 games. However, they were relegated to the Wild Card game, because the Red Sox won a franchise-record 108 games, the most in baseball and tied for the 9th-most in MLB history. Boston’s run included winning record against the yankees and a four-game sweep in August. Still, the “consensus” among experts was Boston was overrated and New York and Houston were the real favorites to win it all. Cue a matchup with the yankees in the ALCS, which the Red Sox won 3-1 and featured a 

16-1 spanking in New York (the largest postseason defeat in their history) in which Brock Holt hit the first ever playoff cycle. Stanton also sucked, so that was nice. The following ALCS against the 103-win Astros was also supposed to go against the Red Sox, especially when Boston lost Game 1. No worries. The Sox won four straight to eliminate the defending champs. I

n the World Series, the Red Sox always appeared to be in control despite the relative closeness of the games. Despite the best efforts of the two-time NL champ Dodgers, key offensive outbursts powered the Red Sox to wins in every game that didn’t go 18 goddamn innings, as the best team in baseball rightfully claimed its crown. 

In the Game 5 clincher, Price threw a gem, Boston’s young guns and veterans shone bright, and the biggest douchebag in all of baseball (Manny Machado) (that didn’t include him stepping on Steve Pearce in Game 4) fell to his knees in the game-ending strikeout. Cora lifting the Commissioner’s Trophy in his first season was the culmination of a whole season’s worth of kicking ass, of proving the doubters wrong, of completing one of the greatest seasons in baseball history. It was the dirtiest of waters, the sweetest of Carolines, the ultimate shipping up to Boston. It was fucking glorious.

And I was there.

Told you. The night before, I saw tickets were $187, so I decided “fuck it” and bought one. The Red Sox could never make the World Series again in my lifetime, let alone one against a California team, so why not take a chance and try to see the greatest sight a sports fan possibly can? As I hoped, the whole experience was incredible. The simple fact of being at the World Series, crossing the historic Dodger Stadium off my ballpark list (Dodger Dogs are way overrated), watching a great game, joining in venue-wide chants of “yankees suck!,” drunkenly high-fiving every Red Sox fan I saw, and, you know, seeing my favorite team win a championship in person. This was the greatest sports moment of my entire life and can only be topped by the Sacramento Kings winning the NBA Finals (my hometown team) or my son winning the Super Bowl or some other shit like that. I also might’ve slightly taken over the sports block of my newscast following next morning.

Yes, that was on live TV. So worth it.

Damage done.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

DIXIE NORMOUS (5-3) DEF.  C’S CHAMPION TEAM (6-2)

142.34 – 75.20

If the Dodgers had done half as well in the World Series as Dixie Normous did this past weekend, LA might’ve actually broken its 30-year title drought. Although, half as good is about as good as C’s Champion Team, which nearly got doubled up. Todd Gurley (27 points) finally got some goddamn help, from guys who’ve struggled in recent weeks as well. Blake Bortles (19 points), Stefon Diggs (17 points), the Saints defense (15 points), and Peyton Barber and Travis Kelce (14 points each) all decided to show up for Nick at the right time for once, allowing him to rip the first place team to shreds. Speaking of Chriss, his team saw Nick’s whoop absolute ass, thought “fuck it,” and didn’t show up at all. Whereas Nick had just two roster spots produce single digits, Chriss only had two (OBJ and Kareem Hunt) in double digits. When Drew Brees gets you less points than Zach Ertz, you’re gonna have a bad time. I think Nick preemptively got pissed off at this newsletter and took it out on poor Chriss. If only his Dodgers got the memo.  

THE HEAVY HITTERS (6-2) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-4)

155.72 – 73.24

Somehow, Nick’s asswhooping of Chriss wasn’t the most lopsided domination of the week. The Heavy Hitters (look who’s in first place now!) more than doubled up Three Eyed Ravens. In fact, Kyle’s three best players — Pat Mahomes (27 points), Joe Mixon (25 points), Mike Evans (23 points) — outscored Ewing’s entire roster by themselves. Throw the Patriots defense (20 points) and Will Fuller (18 points) and Ewing didn’t have a chance. No one on Kyle’s roster scored fewer than five points. Contrast that with Ewing’s roster, which had four players below the five-point mark, including a goose egg from Kenjon Barner and a horrific showing from his beloved Terrell Suggs. Only Tyler Boyd (19 points), Aaron Rodgers (15 points), and Saquon Barkley (11 points) even finished in double digits. This was a level of humiliation close to that of Boston’s 16-1 annihilation of New York in Game 3 of the ALDS. Speaking of, these are photos of all four of Brock Holt’s hits in the only cycle in postseason history. Just wanted to remind everyone. 

WINGS OF FREEDOM (6-2) DEF. GREATER FOOLS (3-5)

93.96 – 79.50

I’m a Red Sox fan because of Dad. Back in the day, funny enough, he was a Dodgers fan. In 1975, he and my great-grandpa (Ruben I) hated the Cincinnati Reds, who kicked the Dodgers’ ass in the NL West. So, they decided to root for Boston against Cincinnati in the World Series. Dad falls in love with Carl Yastrzemski, Carlton Fisk, Jim Rice, Dwight Evans, Fred Lynn, and the rest of the Red Sox (including Dick Pole, subject of one of the best baseball cards of all time), never goes back to the Dodgers, and raises me and my sister as Red Sox fans from birth. So, this past weekend was pretty good for him, too. Well, except for the fact that his son once again whooped his ass on the virtual gridiron. Cam Newton (27 points), Tarik Cohen (17 points), and Will Lutz (16 points) did most of the work for the Wings of Freedom, while despite a great day by Jared Goff (26 points), negative points from the Ravens defense and horrible days from Corey Clement and Doug Baldwin doomed Greater Fools. I believe I’m now 18-10 against my old man.

49ERS (5-3) DEF. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY)(2-6)

99.86 – 98.26

At this point, which Massachusetts-based team is more despised, the Red Sox by Nick or the Patriots by Brian? After Monday Night, it seems pretty close. Though the 49ers took off early thanks to a fantastic day from James Conner (33 points) and a nice day from A.J. Green (!3 points), Gee left the door open after Sunday with poor efforts from Alshon Jeffery and the Vikings defense. Meanwhile, the Vikings offense (Kirk Cousins and Adam Thielen) gave Fred Sanford (Dummy) 36 points. That, combined with good days from Christian McCaffrey (17 points) and the Redskins defense (15 points) had Brian on top. All Brian needed was a shiity day from Tom Brady. He got it, but Brady scored just enough to give Gee the less-than-two-point victory. In the end, Gee won by the skin of his teeth, much like Boston survived Craig Kimbrel’s Wild Ride in Game 4 of the ALCS thanks to Andrew Benintendi’s incredible catch (which was followed by this one in Game 2 of the World Series). Man, I love the Killer B’s in the Red Sox outfield.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-4) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (4-4)

106.42 – 97.18

Much like the death of David Price’s career, the death of Footballdamus’ season appears to be greatly exaggerated. After falling in four straight contests, Riez has now won back-to-back games to get back to .500. He has Russell Wilson (23 points) and his RBs Lamar Miller and Alvin Kamara (19 points each) to thank. Those three and DeSean Jackson (13 points) did work for a roster which had three players — Cameron Brate, John Brown, Von Miller — score less than three points. However, the Krispy Kritters had similar performances from Jimmy Graham, Sterling Shepard, SeaBass, and Luke Kuechly. Sure, DeAndre Hopkins (20 points), Ben Roethlisberger (17 points), and James White (15 points) did well, but the majority of Richard’s players did worse than their counterparts on Riez’s side. It was close, but that’s the difference sometimes in fantasy football. Suddenly, Richard finds himself headed in the opposite direction as Riez, slipping in the standings. Don’t look now, Richard, but Riez himself is right behind you.

WILD HOGS (3-5) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (0-7)

111.58 – 95.06

Man, Jop Suey!!! cannot catch a break. Wild Hogs had last three straight games, scoring no more than 85 points each time. Well, Taylor scored 95 points, but Jimmy dropped 111, his third-highest point total on the season. A huge part of that came from Marvin Jones and his 23 points. Phillip Lindsay (17 points), Case Keenum (16 points), Aaron Jones (14 points), and Jared Cook (13 points) also had a lot to say as well. Meanwhile, Andrew Luck (23 points) had an expected great day, but T.Y. Hilton fell flat big time. Hilton, Gronk, and Jarvis Landry’s poor performances crippled Taylor, despite the best efforts Chris Carson (18 points). This year, Taylor has been doing his best playoff Clayton Kershaw impression. Kershaw (one of the best pitchers of all time) has ranged from shit to good but not good enough in his playoff career. Much like Taylor, who has absolutely sucked at times and simply has terrible luck with others. Although, much like Red Sox fans everywhere, Jimmy isn’t complaining.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. The Heavy Hitters (6-2)
2. C’s Champion Team (6-2)
3. Wings of Freedom (6-2)
4. Dixie Normous (5-3)
5. 49ers (5-3)
6. The Krispy Kritters (4-4)
7. Footballdamus (4-4)
8. Three Eyed Ravens (4-4)
9. Wild Hogs (3-5)
10. Greater Fools (3-5)
11. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (2-6)
12. Jop Suey!!! (0-8)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. The Heavy Hitters (968.36)
2. C’s Champion Team (951.72)
3. Dixie Normous (932.84)
4. 49ers (905.42)
5. The Krispy Kritters (891.14)
6. Footballdamus (830.22)
7. Jop Suey!!! (826.60)
8. Wings of Freedom (807.94)
9. Wild Hogs (805.68)
10. Three Eyed Ravens (776.68)
11. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (751.40)
12. Greater Fools (713.00)

MLB STANDINGS:

1. Boston Red Sox
2. Everyone fucking Else

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 10TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 9 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Don’t be a Brian Cashman. Be a Dave Drombrowski.

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

• Houston Texans 42-23 Miami Dolphins
• Philadelphia Eagles 24-18 Jacksonville Jaguars
• Carolina Panthers 36-21 Baltimore Ravens
• Kansas City Chiefs 30-23 Denver Broncos
• Pittsburgh Steelers 33-18 Cleveland Browns
• Seattle Seahawks 28-14 Detroit Lions
• Cincinnati Bengals 37-34 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
• Chicago Bears 24-10 New York Jets
• Washington Redskins 20-13 New York Ginats
• Indianapolis Colts 42-28 Oakland Raiders 😦
• Arizona Cardinals 18-15 San Francisco 49ers
• Los Angeles Rams 29-27 Green Bay Packers
• New Orleans Saints 30-20 Minnesota Vikings
• New England Patriots 25-6 Buffalo Bills
• Top Plays of the Week

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Down low? Too slow.
• Dolphins coach is mad.
• Bill O’Brien is madder.
• Texans fan gets left hanging by DeShaun Watson.
• Anyone know what the hell is going on here?
• Tyler Lockett does to Doug Baldwin what everyone wanted the Red Sox to do to Manny Machado.
• Whichever part of the Rams grounds crew responsible for this should be fired.
• Kareem Hunt is literally a video game.
• Is this some Fortnite shit or something else I’m too old to understand?
• Bills fans really hate the Patriots.
• And apparently they love dildos.
• ESPN graphics at it again, with Tom Brady jumping onto a table.
• Then they top themselves with Bills QBs falling off Niagara Falls.
• Juju Smith-Schuster goes trick-or-treating in full uniform before giving candy to passing cars while wearing a Michael Meyers mask.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• This was kind of a “meh” week for CFB, so here’s a punter throwing a TD to a walk-on DE on 4th and Goal. Even when it’s nothing notable, CFB is still pretty cool.

STAT OF THE WEEK

There are a million World Series stats I love, but this one goes out to the guy who finally shut up his critics and pitched lights out. David Price also started the game where the Red Sox won the title and I was there to see it, so he’s got that going for him as well.

Oh, you all wanted a football stat. Hold on.

Great for Brian, bad for Nick. Not a good week for him.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 1, 1999, the NFL lost one of the greatest players and greatest men in its history. Walter Payton needs no introduction, but his accomplishments demand one. At the time of his retirement in 1987, Payton held NFL records in career rushing yards, TDs, carries, yards from scrimmage, all-purpose yards, and much more. Payton spent his entire HOF career with the Chicago Bears, winning Super Bowl XX with the ’85 squad frequently discussed as one of the greatest in the history of football. Mike Ditka, who coached Payton for several years, described him as the greatest football player he’d ever seen, but an even greater human being. In February 1999, Payton announced that he had a rare liver disease known as primary sclerosing cholangitis. He spent his final months as an advocate for organ donation, but his illness eventually became to far advanced for a transplant to be an option. Payton’s funeral was held at Soldier Field and attended by the likes of John Madden, Illinois Governor George Ryan, Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, Mike Singletary, and Jim McMahon. Speakers included Jesse Jackson and then-NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue. His legacy lives on through the Walter and Connie Payton Foundation, as well as the NFL’s Man of the Year Award, which is named after Payton. In case you want to watch it, here’s the Walter Payton edition of “A Football Life.” RIP, Sweetness.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2004 — Rapper Mac Dre dies.
• 1982 — Honda becomes the first Asian automobile company to produce cars in the U.S. with the opening of a factory in Marysville, Ohio
• 1968 — The Motion Picture Association of America’s film rating system is officially introduced, beginning with G, M, R, and X.
• 1960 — Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, is born.
• 1955 — The Vietnam War begins.
• 1938 — Seabiscuit defeats War Admiral in the famous “match of the century” horse race.
• 1911 — The world’s first combat aerial bombing mission takes place, when 2nd Lt. Giulio Gavotti of Italy drops several bombs on Turkish troops in Libya during the Italo-Turkish War.
• 1880 — Legendary journalist Grantland Rice, who famously dubbed Notre Dame’s 1924 backfield the “Four Horsemen,” is born.
• 1870 — The Weather Bureau (later renamed the National Weather Service) makes its first official meteorological forecast.
• 1848 — The first medical school for women, Boston Female Medical School, opens. Nearly 170 years later, Boston’s baseball team would win the World Series.
• 1800 — John Adams becomes the first President to live in the Executive Mansion, which was later renamed the White House.
• 1611 — William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest is performed for the first time, at Whitehall Palace in London.
• 1604 — Shakespeare’s other play Othello is performed for the first time, at Whitehall Palace. This was a good day for Shakespeare.
• 1512 — The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel (painted by Michelangelo) is exhibited to the public for the first time.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy 

National Deep Fried Clams Day! According to legend, deep fried clams were served for the first time in 1916 by a man named Lawrence “Chubby” Woodman. They’ve since spread across the East Coast, becoming to New England what BBQ is to the south. One of the most famous places to get the dish is the original deep fried clam home, Woodman’s of Essex in Massachusetts. By the way, I’m not sure if you’ve heard but the Bay State is also home to the current World Series champion Boston Red Sox.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (4-4) VS. THE HEAVY HITTERS (6-2)

The Heavy Hitters have been hitting all the right moves lately, scorching just about everyone they’ve faced lately. When Kyle’s guys are hot, there are few rosters that can compete. However, one of those rosters exists on the Krispy Kritters. Richard’s squad is the most extreme hot/cold team in the league. When they’re on, they’re ON. So, how hot can they be this week? Ben Roethlisberger is facing the Ravens defense fresh off its worst game of the season, DeAndre Hopkins should benefit from Demaryius Thomas’ arrival, while James White, Mark Ingram, and Marquise Goodwin should have good games this week. If Melvin Gordon plays, that’s not a bad way to stack up. But, Kyle’s guys stack up pretty good as well. Pat Mahomes and the Chiefs defense get to eviscerate the Browns, while Mike Evans, Emmanuel Sanders, and Ezekiel Elliott are all capable of scoring in bunches. If Richard shows up, this one could be a barn burner. If he doesn’t, this will be an utter ass-whooping. 

WINGS OF FREEDOM (6-2) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-4)

I kicked ass in my last grudge match against Greater Fools. Now, I get another one against the Three Eyed Ravens. One thing going for me: Saquon Barkley is on a bye. I mean, Tyler Boyd is as well, but I was much more worried about Barkley. What worries me is that Ewing’s squad includes Aaron Rodgers, who is Aaron fucking Rodgers, as well as a strong Juju Smith-Schuster, a potentially strong Broncos defense, and George Kittle going up against a Raiders defense that apparently can’t see opposing TEs. As for my Wings of Freedom, we’ll see if Cam Newton actually plays a full great game of football again or just waits until the 4th quarter. Michael Thomas has been reliable all year, while my low-key MVP Tarik Cohen and the Bears defense get to tear through the Bills this week. If Dion Lewis and Michael Crabtree hit rather than miss and David Njoku gets more than zero points, I should do well. Then again, the universe has to reset itself for the Red Sox championship and the Kings’ recent winning streak. Fuck.

GREATER FOOLS (3-5) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (6-2)

If this matchup happened last week, I would be predicting a blowout the scale of Georgia Tech-Cumberland in 1916. However, C’s Champion Team had a flashback to last season, shit the bed, and got destroyed. Funny enough, Greater Fools would’ve won had the two played last week. Now, we get to see if Chriss’ meltdown was an anomaly or a sign of things to come. Unfortunately for Chriss, OBJ and Zach Ertz are on byes. Fortunately for Chriss, Drew Brees is still Drew Brees, Kareem Hunt gets to walk over the Browns, and the Texans defense faces a Demaryius Thomas-less Broncos. Meanwhile, Dad boasts Brees’ opponent this week (Jared Goff) and a surprisingly resurgent and productive Latavius Murray. He also has Antonio Brown, which is nice. But, he also has the Ravens defense trying to stop Brown. Chriss does have a streaky Tyler Lockett, while Dad features Keenan Allen, who’s amazing if he’s not injured. Something has to give. Considering Dad’s season-long scoring slump, it’ll probably be him.

49ERS (5-3) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-4)

There is suddenly a lot of hype around this matchup. Both Footballdamus and the 49ers have overcome horrific early moments in the season to surge their way back into playoff positions. Now, Gee and Riez are in each other’s way. This one could be a firecracker. For Gee, Tom Brady is coming off a terrible week and faces a Packers defense susceptible to big plays. Tyreek Hill will roast the Browns, James Conner continues to impress, and Kenyan Drake should have another strong week. If Nick Chubb, Calvin Ridley, and Trey Burton can chip in some good efforts, Gee will have another hot week on his hands. As for Riez, Russell Wilson and Alvin Kamara are dependable point machines, while Brandin Cooks, John Brown, Davante Adams, and Lamar Miller have proven to be capable of big games. For all of these offensive pieces, this one might come down to whichever inconsistent defense, Vikings (Gee) or Panthers (Riez) decides to be good this week. Or, considering this is the modern day NFL, probably not.

WILD HOGS (3-5) VS. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (2-6)

Wild Hogs is a perennial contender and Fred Sanford (Dummy) is the two-time defending champ. So why are Jimmy and Brian both outside of the playoff picture with five weeks left in the regular season and fighting each other to stay within reach? Because fantasy football is weird, I don’t know. There’s some good news for Jimmy this week: Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, and Tevin Coleman are all back from byes! Jimmy also finally gets to employ the services of the newest Cowboy, Amari Cooper, again. Wow that looks weird in words. Anyway, if Marvin Jones, Aaron Jones, and Phillip Lindsay can do well again, Jimmy might be sitting pretty. However, he still needs a replacement defense and defensive player. Also, Brian still boasts some team combos of his own in Kirk Cousins and Adam Thielen, and Devin Funchess and Christian McCaffrey. Kerryon Johnson and Blake Martinez can also cause Jimmy some nightmares. Hopefully for Brian’s sake, he can pull out the win, because lord knows the Bills sure won’t. 

JOP SUEY!!! (0-8) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (5-3)

There are only five weeks left in the season, so #BrownsWatch is officially on for Jop Suey!!!! Taylor has five chances to avoid unfortunate immorality, and this week he faces the squad that just doubled up the first place team. Dixie Normous boasts the likes of Matt Stafford, Stefon Diggs, Demaryius Thomas in new scenery, Travis Kelce, and some guy named Todd Gurley. So, there’s a good chance Nick keeps up the high scoring. If Peyton Barber and the Chargers defense can put up good efforts as well, Taylor could be staring down the barrel again. Taylor counters with DeShaun Watson (better hope he doesn’t like Thomas too much), Adrian Peterson, Chris Carson, and Greg Olsen. He also has to hope Jarvis Landry and DeVante Parker can rebound well. Taylor also has to find a defense, since the Eagles are on a bye. A good replacement could finally stop the bleeding, but a bad one could keep the misery going. Or Taylor might once again just run into some stupid bullshit luck.

ONE LAST THING

Don’t forget, guys! Free tacos from 2-6 p.m. today thanks to Mookie Betts! Another reason to love the Red Sox!

God, that’s gorgeous.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness