Ruben's Writings

If I have to continue to deal with midterm bullshit at work even after most of the votes have been counted, so do you. Election season is still on, bitches!

(cue theme music)

Thank god I don’t have to see another Gavin Newsom/John Cox/Jeff Denham/Josh Harder/Dianne Feinstein/Kevin De Leon/Prop 6/Measure U campaign ad.

By the way, this was going to be my theme last week had the Boston Red Sox not won the World Series.

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (5-4) DEF. THE HEAVY HITTERS (6-3)

124.20 – 81.90

Well… who saw this one coming? The Krispy Kritters have been hot and cold all year. But while they were certainly hot this time, the Heavy Hitters were below zero. Kyle picked a hell of a time to have his worst game this season, with a number of culprits to blame. While Pat Mahomes continued his godlike stretch with 27 points, he was just one of two of Kyle’s roster spots to put in double-digit efforts. Ed Dickson finished with a goose egg, while Mike Evans and Emmanuel Sanders disappointingly didn’t do much better. Meanwhile, Matt Breida was the only 49er who didn’t put up monster numbers at the Raiders’ expense. As for Richard, Ben Roethlisberger (25 points) and James White (22 points) spearheaded a nice bounce-back effort, while Melvin Gordon (18 points) and DeAndre Hopkins (16 points) were more than enough to cover Mark Ingram’s poor results. If Richard’s guys keep playing this well, I feel sorry for the poor bastard who has to face them next. Wait… (checks schedule)… oh god damn it!  

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (7-2) DEF.  GREATER FOOLS (3-6)

112.14 – 99.24

Kyle’s loss is Chriss’ gain, in more ways than one. C’s Champion Team is back on top of the standings and is once again leading the charge for the BWW gift card. Despite a far from perfect effort and a good day from Greater Fools, Chriss still won comfortably. Sure, Kareem Hunt (32 points) and Drew Brees (31 points) were their usual dominant selves. But, everyone else was mostly subpar. Tyler Lockett, Mohamed Sanu, and the Texans defense didn’t really do anything, while Zach Ertz had a bye week and was still in the bye week. Turns out, it didn’t even matter. While Jared Goff (30 points) went off and Keenan Allen, Latavius Murray, Antonio Brown, and Marquez Valdes-Scantling all played solidly, Austin Ekeler and Kyle Rudolph let Dad down and the Ravens defense had a shockingly poor game. Even so, Dad put up his third-highest point total this season. Still, it didn’t come particularly close to knocking off Chriss on a bad day. Last week was probably a fluke and Chriss’ team is terrifying. 

WINGS OF FREEDOM (7-2) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-5)

135.68 – 72.56

Considering my lower than average scoring mark this season, usually my recaps take on more of a “how the hell did I win this game?” vibe. But not this week. This week, Wings of Freedom whooped absolute ass, putting up my highest point total so far this season. This was in large part due to the Bears defense (28 points) flashing back to 1985 against the Nathan Peterman-led Bills and Michael Thomas (27 points) making a big call to the scoring bank. Cam Newton (21 points) doing his patented “forget how to play football in the first half before exploding late” routine was emotional as usual, but Dion Lewis’ 18 points on Monday Night were the icing on the cake in my second-straight grudge match win. First Dad, then Ewing, who left Royce Freeman in his lineup. Decent days from Aaron Rodgers (19 points) and George Kittle (16 points) weren’t enough to an all-around poor effort from the rest of the Three Eyed Ravens lineup. I didn’t think I’d get the “Biggest Blowout” medal this season. Thanks, Ewing!

49ERS (6-3) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS(4-5)

128.96 – 109.30

With Kyle’s loss, the new hottest team in the league is the 49ers, winners of four straight. Gee’s latest victory wouldn’t have happened without a pretty much total team effort, apart from a poor day from Kenyan Drake. James Conner and the Vikings defense led the way with 22 points each, while Calvin Ridley (13 points) and Tom Brady and Nick Chubb (15 points each) also put forth solid performances. For Footballdamus, the top half of the lineup was as impressive. Alvin Kamara (29 points) had another strong showing, while Russell Wilson (20 points) and Brandin Cooks (17 points) didn’t have shabby days, either. In the end, TE (Vance McDonald) and defense (Panthers) proved to be the difference in this one. By the way, remember when everyone was obsessed with Napoleon Dynamite back in middle school? As an awkward tall kid with an enormous Jewfro, I was a dead ringer for Napoleon. I even had a “Vote for Pedro shirt. Good time, good times. Uncle Rico is probably better than Peterman at this point.

WILD HOGS (4-5) DEF. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (2-7)

141.20 – 86.86

I think Wild Hogs has rediscovered their ability to score points, much like Julio Jones finally rediscovered how to catch passes in the endzone. That revelation and those 19 points were quite welcome to Jimmy, though Jones didn’t even fall in the top three scorers on the roster. Those positions were taken by Jones’ QB, Matt Ryan (29 points), as well as his teammate Tevin Coleman (27 points) and the Dolphins defense (25 points), which has nothing to do with Jones. Those four were the only roster spots that put up double-digit points, but Jimmy still won by 55 points. That’s because, apart from Christian McCaffrey (27 points) and Jordan Howard (16 points), Fred Sanford (Dummy) had a really shitty day. The Redskins defense gave Brian diddly squat, while Devin Funchess, Austin Hooper, Kerryon Johnson, and Blake Martinez failed to surpass five points each. Brian’s quest to achieve the unfathomable three-peat has run into quite the road block. While you can never count out the champ, it’s not looking good.

DIXIE NORMOUS (6-3) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (0-9)

99.66 – 72.40

Holy shit, Taylor. Dixie Normous got barely anything from its WRs (Demaryius Thomas and Kenny Golladay). Todd Gurley had a subpar day by his standards. Peyton Barber and Jadeveon Clowney had forgettable days. Matt Stafford was incredibly bad. Nick won by nearly 30 points. Deshaun Watson (20 points) and Greg Olsen (13 points) were pretty much the only positives for Jop Suey!!!. Everything else pretty much sucked. Taylor got nothing from DeVante Parker and got fucked by Gronk being a last-minute scratch due to injury. Chris Carson and Adrian Peterson might as well have just say on the bench. The Chiefs defense failed to put up a solid effort against goddamn Browns. Now, Taylor finds himself dangerously close to becoming this year’s version of Cleveland: the league’s first winless team actually controlled by a human. This season is hurting Taylor more than the entire 2016 election (primaries included) hurt me. Taylor had better pray he doesn’t go the way of the Democrats that year.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (7-2)
2. Wings of Freedom (7-2)
3. The Heavy Hitters (6-3)
4. 49ers (6-3)
5. Dixie Normous (6-3)
6. The Krispy Kritters (5-4)
7. Wild Hogs (4-5)
8. Footballdamus (4-5)
9. Three Eyed Ravens (4-5)
10. Greater Fools (3-6)
11. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (2-7)
12. Jop Suey!!! (0-9)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (1063.86)
2. The Heavy Hitters (1050.26)
3. 49ers (1034.38)
4. Dixie Normous (1032.50)
5. The Krispy Kritters (1015.34)
6. Wild Hogs (946.88)
7. Wings of Freedom (943.62)
8. Footballdamus (939.52)
9. Jop Suey!!! (899.00)
10. Three Eyed Ravens (849.24)
11. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (838.26)
12. Greater Fools (812.24)

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE LESS THAN ONE WEEK AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 10TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 2 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Seriously, no one had better bitch about not having enough warning about the trade deadline this year. You all said I should make a newsletter, which I send to you every week and include a trade deadline alert inside. So if anyone dares say I didn’t give them a heads up, I have some words for you.

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

• San Francis…. you know what fuck you this game never happened
• Atlanta Falcons 38-14 Washington Redskins
• Minnesota Vikings 24-9 Detroit Lions
• Pittsburgh Steelers 23-16 Baltimore Ravens
• Kansas City Chiefs 37-21 Cleveland Browns
• Miami Dolphins 13-6 New York Jets
• Chicago Bears 41-9 Buffalo Bills
• Carolina Panthers 42-28 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
• Los Angeles Chargers 25-17 Seattle Seahawks
• Houston Texans 19-17 Denver Broncos
• New Orleans Saints 45-35 Los Angeles Rams
• New England Patriots 31-17 Green Bay Packers
• Tennessee Titans 28-14 Dallas Cowboys
• Top 15 Plays of the Week

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• The Battle of the Bay in a nutshell.
• Sam Martin takes a tumble.
• HII-YAAHH!!!
• A pair of Browns run into each other while trying to block an extra point.
• Pigeons delay the inevitable for Cleveland.
• A fan shows nice reflexes during the Steelers-Ravens game.
• Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy UNITE… at the Superdome!
• Ben Watson reveals his wife is pregnant with twins.
• Michael Thomas does a fantastic homage to Joe Horn’s famous 2003 cell phone celebration.
• The Seahawks apparently spend more time practicing awesome celebrations than winning.
• Cowboys fans can’t believe what they’re seeing…
• … and neither can Jerry Jones.
• Behold: the stuff of nightmares. I fucking hate Fortnite.

IMPENDING DOOM COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• I am now starting to feel the the same about college football as I do about the NBA. We all know who’s gonna win the title and there’s nothing we can do about it. Alabama is the Golden State Warriors: an unstoppable freight train that annihilates everything placed in front of it in increasingly impressive and depressing ways. The Crimson Tide’s latest feat was a 29-0 curbstomping of No. 3 LSU in Death Valley. Unless Auburn pulls off a huge upset in the Iron Bowl or Alabama shits the bed against Georgia in the SEC title game, the Crimson Tide will be the No. 1 seed in the College Football Playoff, probably destroying Notre Dame in the semifinal. Clemson will probably be their opponent, as they do their best LeBron-era Cavaliers impression in destroying a mediocre ACC. Maybe Michigan or Ohio State will be there instead, but likely not. Like Warriors-Cavs, this would be the fourth straight Alabama-Clemson matchup in the CFP. It would probably follow the same pattern as the past four NBA Finals (closeish Warriors win, razor-thin Cavaliers win, not close at all Warriors win, domination Warriors win). This aligns too well not to happen. Just give the damn trophy to Alabama already. At least we got this hilarious moment from the Bama-LSU game. May God have mercy on our souls.

COOL SPECIAL TEAMS COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• This moment comes from the realm of D-III football, which means it’s time to play “Where the hell are these schools?,” where contestants try to guess which state the two schools involved are in. Today’s teams: the Heidelberg Student Princes and John Carroll Blue Streaks. I did not make any of that up. Anyway, while John Carroll might’ve won the game 27-0, Heidelberg got into the record books when P Austin Baker hit a 95-yard punt, the longest in D-III history. The dude was in the back of the endzone and yet the ball somehow bounced into the endzone before the gunners got there. What a proud moment for the much-maligned special teams part of football. By the way, the answer for both is Ohio.

DUMB SPECIAL TEAMS COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• And then Nebraska had to shit all over the good special teams feeling. After taking a shocking lead early against No. 10 Ohio State on the road, the Cornhuskers decided to be bold and go for an onside kick on the ensuing kickoff. It might’ve worked, had K Caleb Lightbourn not completely whiffed on the attempt, somehow sending the ball backwards. Obviously, this was a penalty on Nebraska, giving Ohio State great field position. Incredibly, the Buckeyes ended up turning the ball over on downs on their next drive. Even more incredibly, Ohio State then blocked a Nebraska punt for a safety. This whole sequence of events was not good for #TheBrand.

STAT OF THE WEEK

It was also the first time in the shot clock era that LA was outscored by 25 points in the first quarter. I love any stats that scream “fuck the lakers.”

Anyway, here’s the football stat:

This kid is insane.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 8, 1970, Tom Dempsey earned himself a record that wouldn’t be equaled for nearly 30 years. Dempsey is someone you wouldn’t expect to go down in NFL history. Born without toes on his right foot and finders on his right hand, Dempsey had to use a special cleat with a flat surface on the front. He also couldn’t use the new-wave soccer-style approach (the current standard), instead having to the old-school straight-on style. Nevertheless, Dempsey found his way onto the New Orleans Saints roster. In 1970, the Saints started 1-5-1 and fired head coach Tom Fears. In J.D. Roberts’ first game in charge, the Saints were trailing 17-16 to the Detroit Lions and nowhere near the endzone. Rather than try a hail mary, Roberts decided to send out Dempsey to try a 63-yard kick, which was insane considering the record for longest made FG was only 56 yards. Dempsey didn’t give a shit and, with the game on the line, made the record kick, as the Saints got the 19-17 victory. New Orleans didn’t win another game that season and Roberts only lasted a couple more years, but Dempsey’s 63-yard mark stood as the standard for 45 years. It took until 1998 for someone to even equal it, which Jason Elam did. Seabass (2011) and David Akers (2012) also hit 63-yarders before Matt Prater finally topped Dempsey’s mark with a 64-yard blast in 2013. Considering Prater’s, Elam’s, and Seabass’ kicks all came in the notoriously thin air in Denver, what Dempsey (with his half of a goddamn foot) did is even more impressive. The historic kick also led to what’s informally referred to as the “Tom Dempsey Rule.” Implemented in 1977, the rule made it so all players must wear regular shoes, regardless of disfigurement or amputation. The rule tried to take away any “advantage” Dempsey might’ve had with his special shoe, despite the fact that, you know, he had half of a fucking foot. Though he no longer has the record, Dempsey is still the man. By the way, Graham Gano also made a game-winning 63-yard FG as time expired last month.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1987 — Hiesman trophy-winning and often-injured QB Sam Bradford QB is born.
• 1972 — HBO launches, beginning with the broadcast of the 1971 film Sometimes a Great Notion, starring Paul Newman and Henry Fonda.
• 1966 — President Lyndon Johnson signs into law an antitrust exemption allowing the NFL to merge with the AFL.
• 1966 — Chef and TV personality Gordon Ramsay is born.
• 1952 — Jerry Remy, All-Star second baseman, member of the Boston Red Sox Hall of Fame, and current color commentator for the 2018 World Series Champions, is born. This gives me an excuse to post the famous “Here comes the pizza!” video. Godspeed in your battle with cancer, RemDawg.
• 1895 — Wilhelm Röntgen discovers the X-ray.
• 1889 — Montana is admitted as the 41st state.
• 1887 — John Henry “Doc” Holliday, who (along with good friend Wyatt Earp) took part in the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral, dies. For everyone’s viewing pleasure, click here for the famous “I’m Your Huckleberry” scene from Tombstone.
• 1847 — Author Bram Stoker, who introduced Count Dracula to the world, is born.
• 1836 — Milton Bradley, founder of the company of the same name that created iconic games like Battleship, Connect Four, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Life, Twister, and Yahtzee, is born.
• 1656 — Astronomer Edmond Halley, the namesake of Halley’s Comet, is born.
• 1519 — Aztec ruler Moctezuma welcomes Hernán Cortés into Tenochtitlán with a great celebration, not knowing the piece of shit Cortés would lead to the devastation of the Aztecs and fall of his empire.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy 

National Harvey Wallbanger Day! This popular drink (which I had no idea existed until now) is made of three parts vodka, one part Galliano (also no idea), and six parts orange juice. I have mixed feelings about this drink, considering vodka is disgusting but orange juice is delicious. Fun fact: the 1982 Milwaukee Brewers were nicknamed “Harvey’s Wallbangers” due to absolutely exploding offensively after Harvey Kuenn was named manager 47 games into the season. They went on to reach the only World Series in franchise history that same year. Much like most Milwaukeeans, I’m more of a beer guy myself.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

49ERS (6-3) VS. THE HEAVY HITTERS (6-3)

Well, this ought to be a fun one. The league’s hottest team against one of its most fearsome. An overall lack of roster updates aside, the 49ers and Heavy Hitters are projected to score more points than any other team this week, and they’re playing each other. Kyle, as ever, will trot out Pat “Literally Jesus” Mahomes. However, a potential Judas exists this week in the form of Tyreek Hill, who happens to be on Gee’s roster. Also in the lineup: James Conner looking to keep fighting off the ghost of LeVeon Bell, as well as Carson Wentz and Alshon Jeffery facing the vulnerable Cowboys. Nick Chubb and Sony Michel may also put up some nice numbers, depending which Falcons and Titans defense, respectively, they’ll face (bad or good). Now, Kyle’s powerful offense doesn’t only boast Mahomes. Mike Evans and Ezekiel Elliott shouldn’t have another poor day, while the return of Joe Mixon should lead to more points. This one has all the makings of a barn-burner, so it’ll probably end up sucking instead. Sorry for jinxing it.

WINGS OF FREEDOM (7-2) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (5-4)

As of this writing, this matchup is predicted as being only half a point apart. This being Yahoo!, I highly doubt this will end up being right. Unfortunately for me, the Krispy Kritters’ offense includes Melvin Gordon and Tyrell Williams, who both get to annihilate the Raiders this week. If James White and Mark Ingram outshine Dion Lewis and Tarik Cohen, I may be in trouble. The keys to the Wings of Freedom’s success usually sit with three sports on my roster: Cam Newton, Michael Thomas, and the Bears defense. Newton’s “suck during the first half, kill it in the second” strategy might not work against the Steelers (and Richard’s Ben Roethlisberger), while Thomas is facing the rested Bengals. Meanwhile, the Bears go up against Matt Stafford, who will basically either be Drew Brees or Nathan Peterman, so who knows? But, I might have an X-factor this week: Leonard Fournette appears to finally, FUCKING FINALLY be back. If they ease him back into the offense, no bueno. If he’s fully back, possibly muy, muy bueno.

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (7-2) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-5)

This matchup will come down to offense, not defense or special teams. I’m not just saying that because C’s Champion Team is an offensive juggernaut and Three Eyed Ravens can’t hit water if they fell out of a boat. I’m not just saying that because Ewing is getting Saquon Barkley back and adding him back to the usual trio of Aaron Rodgers and Juju-Smith Schuster. I’m not just saying that because Ito Smith and George Kittle may likely have follow-ups to their breakout games last week. I’m not just saying that because Chriss has three key players (Kareem Hunt, Mohamed Sanu, Isaiah Crowell) going up against three of the worst teams in football (Cardinals, Browns, Bills). I’m not just saying that because Zach Ertz has been killing it lately and Robert Woods may have big game against a vulnerable Seahawks defense. I’m not just saying that because Chriss has Drew goddamn Brees on his team. I’m saying that because both defenses, Terrell Suggs (Ewing), and Justin Tucker (Chriss) are on a bye. What? It’s logical.

GREATER FOOLS (3-6) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (6-3)

Yay, another anemic offense against a scoring juggernaut. Sure, Greater Fools has Jared Goff up against the now-bad Seahawks defense, Keenan Allen about to eat the Raiders for breakfast, and Antonio Brown, who’s Antonio Brown. But outside of that trio, there’s not a lot to get excited about. While the Patriots defense has been pretty good on the road recently, the rest of Dad’s roster is filled with backup RBs (Austin Ekeler and Frank Gore) and Jack Doyle, who doesn’t get to play the Raiders this week. Meanwhile, Dixie Normous gets the aforementioned Brees/Peterman in Matt Stafford, as well as Kenny Golladay. As for feasting on the Raiders, considering the Chargers defense is much better than the 49ers defense, Nick is sitting pretty. As for feasting in general, Nick also has Todd Gurley and a pretty much automatic 20 points, as well as Travis Kelce going up against the Cardinals. Though Dad has Dez Bryant in his pocket, Bryant likely won’t play this week. Considering Dad needs to start winning now, that’s not good.

WILD HOGS (4-5) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-5)

Wild Hogs made a, well, wild choice in basing a large part of their offensive success on the Falcons. However, is sure as hell worked last week, when Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, and Tevin Coleman propelled Jimmy to a huge win. Can they do it again this week against the Browns? I think I just answered my own question. If Jimmy also gets nice contributions from his other Joneses (Marvin and Aaron) and the new Cowboy Amari Cooper, his climb up the standings might continue. Meanwhile, Footballdamus is getting hit by the bye week blues this week. Riez is losing his Millers (Lamar and Von), as well as John Brown. While he searches for replacements to go along with Alvin Kamara, Davante Adams, Brandin Cooks, and Vance McDonald, Riez also has a choice to make. Russell Wilson is facing a suddenly vulnerable yet pissed off Rams defense. However, Philip Rivers gets to execute the Raiders this week. Whichever arm Riez puts in his lineup could decide this one, which could be crucial in the playoff race. 

JOP SUEY!!! (0-9) VS. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (2-7)

Of Jop Suey!!!’s four remaining games, there are two truly great chances to crack the goose egg in the win column. This matchup against Fred Sanford (Dummy) is one of them. Welcome to the Toilet Bowl, everyone! Last place Taylor against second-to-last Brian in a contest someone has to win. Probably. While Christian McCaffrey and Jordan Howard look primed to do well again, Brian’s main power source has been zapped — Kirk Cousins and Adam Thielen are on a bye week. Their replacements: John Ross and Ryan Fitzpatrick. Not exactly feeling confident about this, especially since the Buccaneers are facing Brian’s Redskins defense. Taylor’s roster is also looking good, despite Deshaun Watson and Harrison Smith going on byes. Andrew Luck and T.Y. Hilton are back in the lineup, while (hopefully) Gronk will actually play this time. The Chiefs defense is facing the Cardinals, which… I mean if they can’t give Taylor big points then holy shit cut them faster than a bad hairdo. I can’t wait to watch this train wreck. Speaking of…

ONE LAST THING

Yep, this is the most embarrassed I’ve ever been as a Raiders fan, Jawalrus years included. I know we’ve got our eyes set a few years down the road after a rebuild (still don’t know why we decided to do it) in our shiny new Vegas home. I know we’re trading or cutting our best and most recognizable non-Derek Carr players (thanks for everything, Bruce Irvin!). I know this season was a lost cause and it’s better for us to go 1-15, draft Nick Bosa, and pray the Cowboys suck as well and that first round pick gets even better.

But Jesus fucking Christ. How do you get taken back behind the woodshed by a supposedly equally shitty 49ers team? How do you only manage three points against an unfathomly depleted defense? How do you make a third-string, undrafted QB look like the next Brett Favre? How do you completely shit the bed in every way, shape, and form on national TV in the FINAL Battle of the Bay? What the actual fuck? Have we no fucking pride anymore?

Worse for me, not only was this game broadcast on my TV station’s air, but I am one of only three Raiders fans working the morning show. Aside from a random Giants fan, every single person who cares about football is a 49ers fan. Last Friday was hell, with everyone from my fellow producers to the directors, anchors, reporters, photogs, PAs, and even the goddamn engineers giving me shit. I could not escape it. I could only hope to endure the pain. This is the foreseeable future.

Wake me up when this team actually gives a fuck again.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness