Ruben's Writings

I really hoped I wouldn’t have to do another tribute newsletter this year. If celebs mean enough to me to get one, that means they’re dead and I’m sad. Case in point: I actually screamed, “NOOOO!!!” when I got the alert that Stan Lee died.

Lee, of course, was basically the godfather of Marvel comics, creating or co-creating such iconic characters as Spider-Man, the X-Men, Iron Man, the Hulk, Thor, Black Panther, Doctor Strange, Ant-Man, Daredevil, and the Fantastic Four. But his contributions to the comic book world and science fiction in general go far beyond that. 

Before the late 1950’s, superheroes were portrayed as utterly perfect people, the ideal role model for every young lad and lass. But everything changed when Lee gave his heroes flaws. They would be prone to bouts of anger and vanity, illness, disagreements with fellow heroes, and everyday problems as their secret identities. When that happened, Lee created complex, interesting characters with depth that more greatly appealed to the wider audience. Lee would later introduce formerly taboo topics such as racism and drug use, resulting in changes to the very guidelines by which comics were written. These decisions not only sold copies upon copies upon copies of issues, they created a greater sense of fandom among Marvel’s readers. By having heroes struggle with common flaws and social issues, Lee put the idea out there that anyone, despite their problems, can do good and be special. It gave generations of comic book readers hope for their own lives. This, on top of being an overall great guy who always gave back to fans whenever he could, was a big reason there were so many touching tributes after his death, which shook the entertainment world.

Though I have always been a big superhero guy, I was never really into comic books. I was more of a “sit in front of the TV and watch Cartoon Network of Nickelodeon” kind of kid. Over the years, I’ve come to recognize the artistry and work it takes to make a great comic. Considering he did it for so long, so well, and with such well-deserved praise, Stan Lee is simply the fucking man. Even with all of the above positives, comic books and science fiction were generally seen to be a niche thing and shoved into the openly-mocked “nerd” category for so long. Since the revolution started by Iron Man, superheroes have become part of mainstream culture. Seriously, tell someone even 15 years ago that the Guardians of the Galaxy would be the subject of multiple critically acclaimed, financially successful films and you’d be put in a straight jacket. I’m so happy Stan Lee got to see his pride and joy, for so long thriving only on the fringes of society, become popular… become cool. That’s awesome.

RIP, Mr. Lee. 

Excelsior. 

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

49ERS (7-3) DEF. THE HEAVY HITTERS (6-4)

145.90 – 130.76

Well this was a goddamn slobberknocker, wasn’t it? This is what happens when two of the top three highest scorers go to (civil) war. On the 49ers (Team Captain America): Nick Chubb (a WTF 33-point performance), Tyreek Hill (25 points), Carson Wentz (22 points), and James Conner (13 points). On the Heavy Hitters (Team Iron Man): Ezekiel Elliott (30 points), Pat Mahomes (20 points), and Matt Brieda and Eric Ebron (25 points each). Despite all of that incredible offensive firepower, it was the defense that decided this one, with the Packers playing the role of Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier/White Wolf. In Captain America: Civil War, it was Bucky who distracted Iron Man long enough for Captain America to make a comeback and win the fight. In this matchup, the Packers got Gee 14 points compared to -3 points the Jets provided Kyle in their abortion of an effort against the goddamn Bills. All things considered, this pretty much was the difference. But like the film I’ve been referencing, this matchup was fucking awesome.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (6-4) DEF. WINGS OF FREEDOM (7-3)

134.42 – 123.52

Why is it that whenever I play Richard, one of his players decides to have the game of his life? Last year, it was Ezekiel Elliott dropping 40 goddamn points. This year, Ben Roethlisberger decides to put up 35 points for the Krispy Kritters on Thursday. Considering Cam Newton only got 15 points for the Wings of Freedom, I needed my guys to do well and Richard’s to do not well. On that first front, I pretty much got what I needed. Six of my nine remaining roster spots put up double digit points, including a glorious, long-awaited return by Leonard Fournette (22 points), another nice day by Michael Thomas (19 points) and Will Lutz (18 points). Meanwhile, only three of Richard’s remaining roster spots gave him double digits. Unfortunately, those players were Melvin Gordon and Mark Ingram (22 points each), as well as Allen Robinson (25 points) (seriously what the fuck?). Oh, and I lost Cooper Kupp for the season. Fuck. I blame Big Ben for all of this. Turns out, there’s a perfect Stan Lee cameo quote for this moment. 

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (8-2) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-6)

129.70 – 85.06

What the shit, Ewing? You’re on the outside looking in, needing to win first and at least score some points, even in a loss. So what do you do? You leave both the Broncos defense and Terrell Suggs (both on byes) in the Three Eyed Ravens starting lineup. Against an offense like C’s Champion Team, that’s the last thing you were supposed to do. Granted, Chriss scored so much that it wouldn’t have mattered. Drew Brees threw down 28 points, Zach Ertz got 26 points (holy shit) of his own, and OBJ capped the barrage off with 19 points of his own. What’s even more incredible is that Chriss could’ve gone even harder. Mitch Trubisky (36 points) and Tyler Lockett (14 points) were left on the bench. But still, come on, Ewing. Good days from Aaron Rodgers (18 points) and Juju Smith-Schuster (16 points) were completely wasted. I’m even regretting chosing this specific scene for this matchup picture, because it appears you have hair in it. Remember when your Afro was so big we hung Christmas ornaments in it? We’ve come a long way. 

DIXIE NORMOUS (7-3) DEF. GREATER FOOLS (3-7)

96.96 – 89.52

Nick and I have fully swapped roles. While my team is losing shootouts, Dixie Normous is coming through with wins despite flaccid offensive showings. Sure, Todd Gurley (22 points) was Todd Gurley, Matt Stafford (17 points) and Kenny Golladay (14 points) managed to pad their stats in a blowout loss, and the Chargers defense had the opportunity to face the shell of Derek Carr and the Raiders (more on that later). But, those were the only roster spots that finished in double digit territory, with Travis Kelce, Kenny Stills, and O.J. Howard all finishing below the five-point mark. That left the door for Greater Fools to get a much-needed win. Jared Goff (21 points), Derrick “Travis” Henry (17 points), Antonio Brown (15 points), and Keenan Allen (12 points) did well enough. All Dad needed was any kind of effort from his defense and defensive player. What happened? The Patriots defense and Myles Garrett combined for only two points. Considering the low-scoring nature of this matchup, it’s incredible a lack of defense decides it.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-5) DEF. WILD HOGS (4-6)

113.72 – 109.40

Imagine the previous matchup, but with actual scoring. This was pretty much the only drama-filled showdown this week, the only one that really came down to Monday Night. Sunday was also pretty good. Footballdamus overcame the incredibly poor effort from the Panthers defense and their -3 points thanks to another nice day from Alvin Kamara (22 points) and solid contributions from Davante Adams (17 points) and Philip Rivers and Brandin Cooks (16 points each). Wild Hogs countered with a monster day from Aaron Jones (29 points), as well as good efforts from Matt Ryan (20 points) and Julio Jones (16 points) in a shocking loss to the Browns. With one game to play, Jimmy held a nine-point lead, though he was done and Riez had one more player. As it turns out, one was enough to get the job done. Robbie Gould (13 points) put Riez ahead with an extra point halfway through the 3rd quarter and clinched the win with a late field goal. As the battle for the final playoff spots heats up, this win could prove to be vital.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (3-7) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (0-10)

130.24 – 113.88

Who would’ve thought the Toilet Bowl would produce the third-highest scoring matchup of the week? Fred Sanford (Dummy), fearful of being the unfortunate first win by Jop Suey!!!, came out of the gates hot thanks to Christian McCaffrey (31 points), the only Panther who didn’t suck against the Steelers. Though Taylor canceled that effort out with David Johnson’s own 31 points, Brian’s Bills decided to throw him a bone and give him 23 points from LeSean McCoy. Although Taylor got a boost from Baker Mayfield (22 points), Brian managed to coax 15 points from Ryan Fitzpatrick, the same amount Cam Newton got me (not that I’m bitter). Apart from that, Brian had the slight edge over Taylor in pretty much every other position, doing enough to take the Toilet Bowl and somehow move up in the standings. Don’t look know, but Brian is only one game (and quite a few points) from the playoffs. As for Taylor, a golden chance to crack the goose egg has come and gone. But somehow, he’s got another one (more on that later).

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (8-2)
2. 49ers (7-3)
3. Dixie Normous (7-3)
4. Wings of Freedom (7-3)
5. The Heavy Hitters (6-4)
6. The Krispy Kritters (6-4)
7. Footballdamus (5-5)
8. Wild Hogs (4-6)
9. Three Eyed Ravens (4-6)
10. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (3-7)
11. Greater Fools (3-7)
12. Jop Suey!!! (0-10)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (1193.56)
2. The Heavy Hitters (1181.02)
3. 49ers (1179.78)
4. The Krispy Kritters (1149.76)
5. Dixie Normous (1129.46)
6. Wings of Freedom (1067.14)
7. Wild Hogs (1056.28)
8. Footballdamus (1053.24)
9. Jop Suey!!! (1012.88)
10. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (968.50)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (934.30)
12. Greater Fools (901.76)

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

• Pittsburgh Steelers 52-21 Carolina Panthers
• Washington Redskins 16-3 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
• Kansas City Chiefs 26-14 Arizona Cardinals
• Buffalo Bills 41-10 New York Jets
• Indianapolis Colts 29-26 Jacksonville Jaguars
• Chicago Bears 34-22 Detroit Lions
• New Orleans Saints 51-14 Cincinnati Bengals
• Tennessee Titans 34-10 New England Patriots
• Cleveland Browns 28-16 Atlanta Falcons
• Los Angeles Chargers 20-6 Oakland Raiders 😦
• Los Angeles Rams 36-31 Seattle Seahawks
• Green Bay Packers 31-12 Miami Dolphins
• Dallas Cowboys 27-20 Philadelphia Eagles
• New York Giants 27-23 San Francisco 49ers
• Top Plays of the Week

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Someone’s gonna get fired for this. Eh, probably not.
• Tyreek Hill gets behind the camera and becomes the first player in NFL history to shoot his own penalty.
• Kerryon Johnson takes a seat on the Bears bench.
• One of the greatest plays in sports: the fat guy TD.
• Matt Ryan is pissed.
• Bengals fans in a nutshell.
• Guys it’s totally Eli’s fault.
• QBs and RBs have each other’s back.
• Sean McVay and Andy Reid are apparently mad scientists.

FOOT COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• This week’s CFB theme: body parts! Don’t worry, it’s not as disturbing as it sounds. Let’s start with Illinois, which had the misfortune of losing by double digits to 2-7 Nebraska. However, the Fighting Illini did get the highlight of the day. With the Cornhuskers looking for more early in the 4th quarter, Adrian Martinez threw to Kade Warner in the corner of the endzone. Jartavius Martin got in front of the pass and appeared to knock the ball down for an incompletion. However, the ball bounced off Martin’s feet and stayed in the air for an extra couple of seconds, allowing Tony Adams to make the diving interception. Illinois may suck, but that play was pretty cool.

ARM COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• RIP Caleb Farley. The Virginia Tech DB was sent to the shadow realm during the longest play in Pitt football history. Late in the 4th quarter, with the Panthers pinned at their three-yard line, RB Qadree Ollison broke free and scampered down the sidelines. When Farley went to tackle him, Ollision unleashed the stiff arm from hell, not only eviscerating Farley but also knocking the only other Hokies defender in the area down as well. Ollision finished off the 97-yard TD with a flip into the endzone. Beast. Mode. By the way, Pitt can clinch the ACC Coastal title next week. Incredibly, the Panthers wouldn’t be the most surprising conference championship game participant this year (more on that later).

FIST COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Who would’ve thought Iowa State-Baylor would’ve unleashed some serious bad blood? In the 3rd quarter, Hakeem Butler and Blake Lynch went against each other in coverage, with the two getting tangled up on the ground. Butler put his knee on Lynch’s chest, Lynch took exception, and all hell broke loose. Of note: Bears DE Greg Roberts jumping over and around a ref to punch Cyclones RB David Montgomery, who swung back. Both were among several players ejected as a result. The Big 12: home to flying fists, a shit ton of points, and absolutely no defense.

HEAD COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Coaches always tell players to use their heads. Looks like Army’s Andy Davidson took that advice literally against Lafayette. With the Leopards punting in the 3rd quarter, Davidson stepped in front of Jacob Bissell’s kick, with the ball bouncing off his facemask. Mike Reynolds would recover the ball for the Black Knights, but Davidson was the real MVP for taking one for the team. DONK!

HEART (WARMING) COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Northwestern is 0-3 in non-conference play, including a home loss to Akron. However, after their win over Iowa and losses by Wisconsin and Purdue, the Wildcats are heading to their first ever B1G championship game as winners of the West Division. I’ve always had a soft spot for Northwestern. They’re perpetual underdogs, they’re purple, they haven’t really won anything, and they have a kickass journalism program with alumni including Mike Wilbon (I fucking love Pardon The Interruption). By the way, tomorrow’s PTI show will be broadcast from Northwestern’s campus, as Wildon’s Wildcats face co-host Tony Kornheiser’s Binghamton Bearcats in basketball. Should be a good one. Anyway, with Northwestern facing a powerhouse (either Michigan or Ohio State) in the title game, I’ll definitely be rooting for them on the big stage. Here’s the moment the Wildcats found out they’d be heading to Indianapolis. Awesome.

Weekly Raiders Rant

Last year, you all witnessed my slow descent into madness as I lost nine of my last ten games in utterly incredible fashion. This year, while my fantasy team is doing well, my favorite real life team is the one to chip away at my sanity. Welcome to the result.

The final score of 20-6 between the Raiders and Chargers betrays the visitors, not the home squad. 14 points is a comfortable win, but LA didn’t have to worry about the result after the first third of the game. Great first drive that includes a fake punt? Get denied on 4th and Goal from the one-yard line. Recover and take it deep into Chargers territory? Fucking get sacked and lose the ball on 3rd down. The Oakland offense was pretty much gone at that point, but the crown jewel came as the Raiders were making their last stand with about four minutes to play. 4th and 5 at the 19-yard line, coming out of a timeout, Derek Carr intentionally grounds it as soon as the pass rush gets through.

Like, what the fuck? Carr said if he held onto the ball, he would’ve gotten sacked. So what? The result would’ve been the same: turnover on downs. The Carr of old would’ve gone down fighting like a man instead of waving the white flag. I remember when Carr went for the TD late during last year’s loss to the Cowboys, but the ball slipped out of his hands and through the side of the Dallas endzone. That was a shitty way to lose, yes. But at least Carr had the balls to go for the win right then and there, instead of playing for overtime. I respected him for it then and I still do now. Also, note how he escaped from pressure instead of giving up. Carr is a shell of himself I can’t see him breaking out of anytime soon.

“Cowards die many times before their death,” said Julius Caesar, “The valiant never taste of death but once.” I guess Shakespeare was a Raiders fan, considering he chose to execute the titular character by gang-shank.
What’s next for the Raiders? A trip to the desert for another Tank Bowl, this time against the not-as-putrid Arizona Cardinals. Considering their defense just held the goddamn Kansas City Chiefs to their lowest point total all season, the Raiders offense really needs to step up. Let’s check out the gang. Marshawn Lynch? Out for the season. Amari Cooper? Oh… right. Martavis Bryant? What, he might’ve torn his freaking PCL? You’ve gotta be kidding me. Jordy Nelson? He’s been underutilized all season, so now it’s time for him to step into the No. 1 spot and make some noise! Wait, what’s this? He’s… possibly retiring? In the middle of the season? WHAT THE FUCK WE BROKE JORDY NELSON?!? Oakland might have more mid-season retirements than wins this year. So it’s up to Seth Roberts, Jared Cook, Doug Martin, and Jalen Richard to get the job done. If this were five years ago, I’d feel a hell of a lot more confident. Even then, I wouldn’t feel confident at all. 
Nick Bosa and the rest of the draft pick haul had better be worth this. 

STAT OF THE WEEK

For the record, Dad still thinks the Raiders should’ve held onto Hue Jackson. I think he’s getting senile in his old age.

Also, a Stat of the Week that doesn’t shit on the Browns, but instead praises them? We truly are in the bizarro world. Don’t worry, I know how to get us back on track…

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 15, 1970, one of football’s greatest coaches earned what he called his “greatest victory.” Paul Brown may have unintentionally brought untold misery to Ohio NFL fans, but he is also responsible for things like game film, face masks, practice squads, and the draw play, so he’s pretty important. Unfortunately, Brown was a notorious penny-pinching asshole. His overall likability and refusal to consult with then-owner Art Modell on key personnel decision led to his 1962 dismissal from the Cleveland Browns, the team co-founded by him, named after him, and which he had coached since its inception in 1946. Brown, bent on revenge, helped found the Cincinnati Bengals in 1968, becoming their first coach. After losing the first Browns-Bengals game 30-27 earlier in the 1970 season, Cincinnati finally helped Brown get his vengeance in Week 9, winning 14-10. Unfortunately, neither team has had many… bright moments since then. After Brown retired as Bengals coach in 1975, he allegedly worked against one of his assistants replacing him and even getting a job elsewhere in the NFL. That assistant was Bill Walsh, who of course became one of the greatest coaches in NFL history, pioneered the West Coast offense, and won three Super Bowls, two of which came against Cincinnati (the only two Super Bowls the Bengals have ever made). The team is now owned and ran by Brown’s son, Mike, who’s accurately described as a cheap ass content with utter mediocrity and little on-field success. They haven’t won a playoff game since 1991 and still employ Marvin Lewis as head coach. Meanwhile, Modell’s Browns (who need no explanation) never made a Super Bowl, failed in some of the most incredible ways ever seen, and moved to Baltimore. The new Browns (who’ve had to see the Ravens win two Super Bowls) also haven’t made the Super Bowl, went 0-16 last year, and are both the doormat and punchline of the NFL. Both Cincinnati and Cleveland have also had to watch the Pittsburgh Steelers win six Super Bowls. The moral of the story: football fans in Ohio should stick to college.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1995 — Karl-Anthony Towns, NBA All-Star whose Timberwolves just got their asses kicked by the Kings and sent Jimmy Butler to the 76ers as a result, is born. Also holy shit KAT is only 23.
• 1971 — Intel releases the world’s first commercial single-chip microprocessor.
• 1969 — Some 250,000-500,000 protesters staged the first Moratorium to End the War in Vietnam, in Washington, D.C.
• 1952 — The Macho Man, Randy Savage, is born.
• 1940 — Sam Waterston, known for his roles as attorney Jack McCoy on Law and Order and Atlantis Cable News president Charlie Skinner in The Newsroom, is born. When the latter was in its heyday I often got asked about the differences between a real life newsroom and the one on the HBO show by Aaron Sorkin. I always answered that in real life, the sets are smaller and everyone swears more.
• 1926 — The NBC radio network opens with 24 stations.
• 1920 — The first assembly of the League of Nations is held in Geneva, Switzerland.
• 1914 — Harry Turner becomes the first player to die from game-related injuries in the Ohio League, the direct predecessor to the NFL.
• 1864 — Union General William Sherman begins his March to the Sea.
• 1777 — The Continental Congress approves the Articles of Confederation, which effectively served as the first U.S. constitution.
• 1533 — Francisco Pizarro arrives in Cuzco, the capital of the Inca Empire. Fuck all of these genocidal conquistador assholes.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy America Recycles

 Day! You guys remember Recycle Rex? Did anyone else have recycling/education-themed assemblies at your elementary school with a guy dressed up as Rex handing out random stuff made out of recyclable material to kids? We had one at the school I went to before Didion, but I don’t remember one after that. Do you guys remember this? No? Just me? Well alrighty then.

Speaking of recycling old material, did you know the Boston Red Sox won the 2018 World Series? Yes, I’m going to mention this in every newsletter for the rest of the season. Deal with it, bitches.

I went on the internet…

… and I found this:

Welcome to this new this new segment dedicated to me s̶h̶a̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶r̶a̶n̶d̶o̶m̶ ̶f̶u̶n̶n̶y̶ ̶s̶h̶i̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶f̶i̶n̶d̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶r̶e̶d̶d̶i̶t̶ adding more lighthearted moments to the newsletter. Inspired by the famous (to me) Top Gear gag, I went on the internet… kicks off with a whopper.We’re all baseball fans here. We know about George Brett, Hall of Fame third baseman of pine tar notoriety who happens to be one of the greatest players of all time. But, did you know about his penchant for not being able to hold it before getting to the bathroom. The story’s been out there for a few years now and was recently referenced in a Family Guy episode, but I just discovered this absolute gem.
Behold: George Brett talking about shitting himself. I think my favorite part is either the fact that his teammates are clearly put off and backing away nervously, yet Brett keeps walking towards them enthusiastically talking about his sharts, or how he immediately transitions to the day’s game right after the story ends.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (6-4) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (8-2)

The streaky Krispy Kritters are currently riding a hot one right now. Richard has dropped nearly 260 points in his past two games, but his lucky might be running out. Not that I’m bitter about Ben Roethlisberger or anything, but there’s no way he can go for 35 points again, right? Oh, he’s playing a sliding Jaguars team his Steelers are eager to get their revenge against? Well, shit. Plus, Richard has DeAndre Hopkins coming back from a bye, Melvin Gordon getting to wreak havoc against another weak defense (Denver), and Mark Ingram potentially stealing points from C’s Champion Team’s Drew Brees. However, Chriss has much more than just one of the three guys competing for this year’s MVP award (Pat Mahomes and Todd Gurley being the others). OBJ, Kareem Hunt, a suddenly hot Zach Ertz, the Texans defense getting to feast on the Redskins, and Khalil goddamn Mack. Interestingly, both Chriss and Richard need to pick up a RB this week. Those choices could end up being the difference in this one.

WINGS OF FREEDOM (7-3) VS. 49ERS (7-3)

What do I get for losing a tough-to-swallow matchup thanks to out-of-nowhere monster performances? The second-highest scoring team in the league that just dropped 145 points and is on a five-game winning streak. While I’m getting a break that Tom Brady is on a bye, he’s coming off a truly shitty performance and the 49ers have Carson Wentz anyway. I really have to hope the Saints defense is as good against the Eagles as they were against the Bengals. I also have to hope the Lions fare as well as they did last week against the Bears this week against the Panthers, allowing Cam Newton to have a bounce back week. If Michael Thomas, Tarik Cohen, Dion Lewis, Leonard Fournette, and the Bears defense can play well again (and Michael Crabtree is a good Cooper Kupp replacement), I might stand a chance. Wait, I also have to face Tyreek Hill, James Conner, Alshon Jeffery, Calvin Ridley, and the Vikings defense as well? Oh shit. At least I can laugh at Gee for wasting the third overall pick on LeVeon Bell, right?

THREE EYED RAVENS (4-6) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (7-3)

The push for the playoffs is entering the crucial phase. Right now, Three Eyed Ravens is on the outside looking in and significantly back in the points tiebreaker. Ewing may be playing the two worst teams to end the season, but he needs to start winning. Aaron Rodgers should continue to be Aaron Rodgers, while Saquon Barkley and Juju Smith-Schuster could also be in for nice days against defenses on the decline. If the Broncos defense and Terrell Suggs actually do something as well, Ewing should put up a decent fight. However, it may not matter. Dixie Normous has Matt Stafford and Kenny Golladay up against a Panthers defense that was just desecrated by the Steelers. Considering how unpredictable both Detroit and Carolina are, this showdown should play a big role in how Nick does this week. But even if it goes sour, Nick still boasts guys like Todd “Fucking” Gurley, Stefon Diggs, Travis Kelce, and Demaryius Thomas. If those guys show up in their usual forms, Nick could put me as QB and probably win.

WILD HOGS (4-6) VS. THE HEAVY HITTERS (6-4)

If the playoffs started today, Wild Hogs would barely make it in. But, their already precarious spot faces a hell of a challenge. Jimmy’s final three games are all against teams currently in the Top 5 of the standings. First up: the high-scoring Heavy Hitters. Kyle has Pat “Grown-Up Riley Curry” Mahomes facing a surprisingly weak Rams defense in the showdown of the season. Speaking of weak defenses, Kyle’s RBs (Joe Mixon and Ezekiel Elliott) get to feast on the Swiss cheese-like Ravens defense and the Falcons defense that just got killed by the goddamn Browns, respectively. While Kyle needs to add a fucking defense again, guys like Mike Evans and Emmanuel Sanders might make it a moot point. Jimmy has to contend this opposing roster with the Atlanta trio of Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, and Tevin Coleman while hoping the Joneses (Marvin and Aaron) have another monster day. As for defense, the Colts are facing a surprisingly surging Titans team. That result could make or break Jimmy if he’s close.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (3-7) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-5)

Footballdamus got a crucial win last week and needs to take advantage of their next two matchups to fight off other bubble teams. One of those teams happens to be Fred Sanford (Dummy), whose reign as defending champ may finally come to an end with another loss or two. (especially considering the point differential). Something’s gotta give. Both Christian McCaffrey (Brian) and Alvin Kamara (Riez) went off last week. Both may need another big game to power their squads. Brian may be losing LeSean McCoy to a bye week, but he also gets Adam Thielen back him his lineup. Kerryon Johnson could have a big day against the Panthers defense (which happens to be in Riez’s lineup). Meanwhile, if Ryan Fitzpatrick actually throws a TD or two amid all of his infinity passing yards, Brian could be in good shape, especially if Jordan Howard and Devin Funchess do anything. However, Riez might have too much firepower with the likes of Davante Adams, Russell Wilson, Brandin Cooks, and Von Miller in his lineup.  

JOP SUEY!!! (0-10) VS. GREATER FOOLS (3-7)

Remember when I said Jop Suey!!! had another golden chance to crack the goose egg? Well, here comes Toilet Bowl II! This time, Greater Fools is stepping down to the 11th place role to give Taylor by far his best remaining shot at a win. Not only is Dad on a four-game losing stream on his own, but he’s scored the least amount of points out of anyone this season. Deshaun Watson returns for Taylor’s lineup, but putting him in instead of Andrew Luck does prevent a potential double gain from whatever TDs. T.Y. Hilton gets. Another reason for Taylor to root for Marlon Mack. David Johnson also gets to play the Raiders, which helps Taylor cope with the pain. Dad, meanwhile, counters with Jared Goff and Antonio Brown, but any success lies with the likes of Keenan Allen and Derrick “Travis” Henry, especially with Latavius Murray getting fed to the Bears defense. If the Steelers defense can pounce on Blake Bortles like they did Cam Newton, good for Dad. If Taylor doesn’t win this one, he might genuinely be fucked for the season.

ONE LAST THING

Alright, my fellow 90’s kids (Dad and Brian excluded). We’ve got a couple of items to discuss.

There have been two trailers released this week for upcoming movies about subjects close to our hearts. Let’s start with the more lighthearted one on paper.

Click here to watch the teaser trailer for Toy Story 4. I never anticipated writing that.

(waiting)

Done? Okay.

This movie should not be happening. Toy Story 3 was the absolute perfect way to cap Pixar’s beloved breakthrough franchise. It wrapped up everything neatly and on a happy note. The reason this movie is happening is because Disney isn’t satisfied with the unfathomable shitloads money its film empire is currently printing. Case in point: this is a sequel no one really wanted to a trilogy that (supposedly) ended nine years ago. Too much time in between films and not enough non-financial reasons to make it.

However, this is Pixar. Toy Story 3 was incredible and a tear-jerker. Their last two films were another well-done sequel (Incredibles 2) and a beautiful production (Coco) filled with more than enough emotion to make Inside Out look like a British comedy. Goddamn it now I’m crying again. Anyway, you can see where this is going. Following the pattern, Toy Story 4 may just break both the bank and the tear ducts. Plus, I’m afraid that new fork thing may indicate we’re getting into the metaphysical part of the whole “toys coming to life” concept. I think sober people might be too high for that shit.

Speaking of being too high for this shit, click here to watch the trailer for Pokemon: Detective Pikachu.

(waiting)

Finished. Well then…

First off, this is a live-action Pokemon movie. I actually never thought I’d write those words. I never thought I’d live to see the day. I was kind of content with this because I imagined the first “live action” Pokemon would either look comically out of place or terrifyingly realistic. Either way, it would ruin the idea. But this film actually seems to make it work with a balance of both, albeit a bit more towards the disturbing side. I’m not sure I was ready to see a hairy Jigglypuff, but Pikachu is a mouse Pokemon. Mice have fur. It makes sense. Plus, look at the other Pokemon we got to see! Bulbasaur! Charizard! Psyduck! Greninja (even if that’s a bit after my time, I play Super Smash Bros.)! That got the kid in me all excited again. Except for Mr. Mime. That was just plain weird.

Then, there’s the actual premise of the film. Based off the 2016 video game, the plot follows a young ward who teams up with an English-speaking Pikachu (that only he can understand) who’s exceptionally smart and a detective in order to find his last father. Of all the plots and ideas from the vast Pokemon franchise, I didn’t think this would be the one which broke through. But, here we are. The game itself got mixed reviews, although it was things like game mechanics and difficulty that brought it down. The presentation, storytelling, writing, and characters (all pretty essential to film) were mostly praised. That’s encouraging. Plus, the idea of a sort of open look at the grander Pokemon world is incredibly intriguing. Also, Detective Pikachu is voiced by Ryan Reynolds, who also plays Deadpool. This is hilarious.

Spring 2019 is going to be an interesting time. Oh by the way, we’re also getting a new Dragon Ball Z (Super) movie next year. What a time to be alive.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness