Ruben's Writings

It’s Thanksgiving. What the hell are you doing? Spend time with your friends and family, for goodness sake!

Well, unless you’re reading this as a distraction from relatives you don’t want to be around. In that case, let me entertain you 11 people once again.

Before I do, let me just say thank you for what’s been another great season so far. A commissioner is nothing without managers to oversee, so thanks for making this league enjoyable. You’re all good people I’m glad to have in my life.

Some older/history-knowledgeable people may recognize this day as the 55th anniversary of one the darkest moments the U.S. has ever seen. Others might remember meme immortality taking place six years ago today. Don’t worry, we’ll get to both.

In the meantime, happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

JOP SUEY!!! (1-10) DEF.  GREATER FOOLS (3-8)

124.22 – 101.52

Man, another week, another tough break for Jop Suey!!! You’d think they’d catch a break once in a while. Instead, it’s yet another los… wait… wait a minute. Taylor… won? He actually WON?!? Holy shit! How the hell did that happen? Oh, he was playing the lowest scoring team in the league. That makes sense. Greater Fools had two players (Latavius Murray and Marquez Valdes-Scantling) put up goose eggs and only three finish in double digits. I don’t care who else was in the lineup or how many points Jared Goff put up (35 to be exact). Dad didn’t stand a chance Sure, Taylor made some bad moves by leaving Andrew Luck, the Rams defense, and their 44 combined points on the bench while barely getting anything from Deshaun Watson. However, T.Y. Hilton (27 points), Adrian Peterson (17 points), and David Johnson (15 points) carried the load, with the rest of the cast putting up far more support than Dad’s roster. Enjoy the win, Jop. With your terrible season and the shit talking that came with it, you deserve it.

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (9-2) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (6-5)

124.92 – 115.86

Absolutely fuck you, Ben Roethlisberger. You go and put up 35 points against me and then immediately shit the bed for 90% of the game the very next week. Sure, the Jaguars shit the bed even harder and let the Steelers come back and win. But even with his miracle ending, Big Ben only put up 23 points. That difference would’ve been enough for me to win two weeks ago and for the Krispy Kritters to win this past week. Instead, good days from Mark Ingram (22 points), Melvin Gordon (15 points), and Josh Adams (13 points) were wasted thanks to poor efforts from Richard’s pass catchers. Granted, C’s Champion Team again proved why they’re on top of the standings right now. Drew Brees (30 points) and Kareem Hunt (17 points) did their thing, while the Texans defense (15 points), OBJ (14 points), Robert Woods (13 points), and Justin Tucker (12 points) did enough to cover some not small holes in Chriss’ roster. So, what can we take from a good matchup decided on Monday Night? Fuck Ben Roethlisberger, that’s what. 

WINGS OF FREEDOM (8-3) DEF. 49ERS (7-4)

126.88 – 77.74

Uh… Gee? You okay, man? That was… yikes. The 49ers got a whopping 33 points from Tyreek Hill and 13 points from Greg Zuerlein on Monday Night. The rest of the roster combined for 31 points. I mean… holy shit. That’s an incredible run of bad luck I can’t remember seeing before. Carson Wentz got Gee less than half the number of points the Eagles scored against the Saints, and Philadelphia only scored seven points. James Conner got five points and was the third-highest scorer on Gee’s roster. Hill had to have an amazing game to downgrade Gee’s loss to simply “ass-kicking.” I even feel a little bad for winning. A little. Cam Newton’s Wild Ride ended up with 25 points, while Leonard Fournette (20 points) appears to be the piece I was missing earlier in the season (fuck injuries). Michael Thomas and the Bears defense (15 points each), as well as Larry Fitzgerald (14 points) and Will Lutz (13 points) completed a nice performance. Don’t look now, but Wings of Freedom had the second-highest point total of the week.

THE HEAVY HITTERS (7-4) DEF. WILD HOGS (4-7)

128.22 – 113.04

This week’s highest-scoring honor goes to the Heavy Hitters, even if Eric Ebron (goose egg) was the only Colt who didn’t dominate the Titans (and he missed an easy throw to Andrew Luck in what would’ve been one of the coolest plays all season). When you have Pat “Kermit the Frog” Mahomes and his 38 points, it’s not hard to be formidable. Throw in Ezekiel Elliott (26 points) and Mike Evans (24 points), and Kyle was sitting pretty. Even so, the game as there for Wild Hogs’ taking. Even if Matt Ryan had a slightly off day, Jimmy’s Joneses (Aaron and Julio) combined for 40 points, while the Colts defense and Darius Leonard gave him 28 more and Jared Cook actually put up positive numbers. Unfortunately, Dalvin Cook gave Jimmy a big negative (-1 points to be exact). This might’ve simply been a “shit happens” moment had Phillip Lindsay and his 22 points not been on Jimmy’s bench. A simple swap and Jimmy gets a solid win. Instead, he has to hold the last playoff spot while facing two Top 3 teams to end the schedule.

DIXIE NORMOUS (8-3) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (3-8)

108.40 – 93.98

Maybe Ewing knew that putting his one TE not on a bye week in the lineup wouldn’t have been enough to win. Jordan Reed’s 13 points would’ve cut the deficit to one point, but no more. Still, Three Eyed Ravens needs to score as much as they can, as the need for the points tiebreaker becomes more and more likely. As for Dixie Normous, scoring points was a little bit of a problem. Nick got not one, but two goose eggs (Demaryius Thomas and the Chargers defense), Matt Stafford was lackluster, and Todd Gurley was pretty much the only player in the epic Rams-Chiefs “fuck defense” fiesta not to have a monster outing. However, the rest of his lineup was solid. Stefon Diggs and Travis Kelce (18 points each) each had games Nick’s been wanting for a long time, while Kenny Golladay and Peyton Barber (17 points each) also had nice efforts. This all made a huge performance from Saquon Barkley (33 points) and another good day from Aaron Rodgers (21 points) irrelevant. Time is ticking for Ewing to make a run.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (6-5) DEF. FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (3-8)

114.70 – 86.08

After a roller coaster season, Footballdamus may have finally righted the ship and solidified its playoff status. Only three spots in Riez’s lineup failed to produce double digits. Although Russell Wilson (17 points) didn’t have a great day, Alvin Kamara and Davante Adams (16 points each) helped carry a solid effort. Guys like Ka’imi Fairbairn (13 points) and Von Miller (12 points) did their part as well. As for Fred Sanford (Dummy), Kirk Cousins (18 points) may have had had a slightly less mediocre day than Wilson, but Adam Thielen for once wasn’t his top target. Though Kerryon Johnson (15 points) had a nice day and Christian McCaffrey (11 points) was decent, the rest of Brian’s roster left plenty to be desired in yet another tough loss. With this result, the two-time defending champs might’ve also been put to bed. Brian is a game (and more than 100 points) back of the final playoff spot and has to face two Top 4 teams to end the season. You can never count out the king, but Brian may actually be down for the count.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (9-2)*
2. Dixie Normous (8-3)*
3. Wings of Freedom (8-3)*
4. The Heavy Hitters (7-4)*
5. 49ers (7-4)*
6. The Krispy Kritters (6-5)
7. Footballdamus (6-5)
8. Wild Hogs (4-7)
9. Three Eyed Ravens (4-7)
10. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (3-8)
11. Greater Fools (3-8)
12. Jop Suey!!! (1-10)e

* = clinched a playoff spot

e = eliminated

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (1318.48)
2. The Heavy Hitters (1309.24)
3. The Krispy Kritters (1265.62)
4. 49ers (1257.52)
5. Dixie Normous (1237.86)
6. Wings of Freedom (1194.02)
7. Wild Hogs (1169.32)
8. Footballdamus (1167.94)
9. Jop Suey!!! (1139.10)
10. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (1054.58)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (1028.28)
12. Greater Fools (1003.28)

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

• Seattle Seahawks 27-24 Green Bay Packers
• Indianapolis Colts 38-10 Tennessee Titans
• New York Giants 38-35 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
• Pittsburgh Steelers 20-16 Jacksonville Jaguars
• Detroit Lions 20-19 Carolina Panthers
• Dallas Cowboys 22-19 Atlanta Falcons
• Baltimore Ravens 24-21 Cincinnati Bengals
• Houston Texans 23-21 Washington Redskins
• Oakland Raiders 23-21 Arizona Cardinals 🙂
• Denver Broncos 23-22 Los Angeles Chargers
• New Orleans Saints 48-7 Philadelphia Eagles
• Chicago Bears 25-20 Minnesota Vikings
• Los Angeles Rams 54-51 Kansas City Chiefs holy fucking shit
• Top 15 Plays of the Week

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Joe Buck likes big sacks and he cannot lie.
• Surfing in Seattle.
• Larry Fitzgerald plays catch with a servicemember.
• The Chargers have had some truly terrible kicker luck.
• Sean McVay or Harry Potter?
• Jason Witten cannot pronounce “Samson Ebukam.”

WE SCORED COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• We’re on a slow, steady march towards the heat death of the universe and Alabama winning another goddamn national championship. The top-ranked Crimson Tide is not only undefeated, but had not allowed a point this month, beating No. 3 LSU 29-0 in Death Valley and No. 16 Mississippi State 24-0 last week.So when I saw that Alabama was tied 10-10 with The Citadel, which recently lost to the Furman Paladins, at halftime in Tuscaloosa, I may have done a d̶o̶u̶b̶l̶e̶ quintuple take. Incredibly, the Bulldogs also could’ve taken the lead when Alabama fumbled the second half kickoff. However, they missed a field goal and things went back to normal, with the Crimson Tide winning 50-17. Even so, The Citadel has a lot to be proud of. RB Dante Smith finished with 130 yards and two TDs, becoming the first player put up such numbers against Alabama since Ezekiel Elliott in 2015. The Bulldogs scored more points than seven of the Crimson Tide’s previous ten opponents, including the aforementioned LSU and Mississippi State as well as Louisville, Ole Miss, and Missouri. The best part was The Citadel taking the piss on Twitter during the entire game, celebrating beating Alabama (in the coin toss), throwing shade at LSU and Mississippi State after the Bulldogs’ first TD, shit talking Ole Miss as well, and even trying to use their trending status to try and get verified. All of this probably made Nick Saban kill a rabbit or something in front of his team, which will probably take it out on Auburn in the Iron Bowl on Saturday. By the way, how dare I talk down about Furman. The Paladins’ men’s basketball team just beat the defending champs No. 8 Villanova on the road in overtime! Furman has now beaten two of last year’s Final Four teams (Loyola-Chicago being the other). Watch out, Michigan and Kansas!  

Weekly Raiders Rant

Yes, Jon Gruden and Derek Carr got into it on the sidelines. Yes, the Raiders had another overall mediocre performance, this time against the horrible Arizona Cardinals. Yes, we lost yet another goddamn WR to injury. Yes, we possibly screwed ourselves out of a future Pro Bowler in Nick Bosa.

But you know what? I’m happy we won. At the heart of everything, I just want the Raiders to do well. I’m never going to be one of those fans who roots for his team to lose, even if it helps improve draft position. Between the Raiders and Kings, I know better than to trust the front office to make the correct pick anyway. Team morale has been fucking terrible lately, so I’m glad everyone got to win a game that wasn’t a razor-thin contest at home against football’s meme team and wasn’t handed to us by the refs (that still feels weird to say as a Raiders fan). Considering Oakland’s remaining schedule is the Ravens, Bengals, Steelers, Chargers, and the Chiefs (twice), I don’t see any more wins on the future. If 2-14 is somehow not good enough for the No. 1 overall pick, then so be it.

Although I swear if we end up losing Bosa to the goddamn 49ers after they beat us by 31 points behind a fucking 3rd string QB, I’m gonna be pissed. 

STAT OF THE WEEK

Another spooky stat: Lawrence Taylor and J.J. Watt are the only three-time Defensive Players of the Year. Taylor sacked Thiesmann in the play that caused his injury, while Watt was involved in the sack that got Smith injured. Even spookier: Thiesmann ended his final season (cut short by the injury) with 311 passing attempts, the same amount Smith had this season coming into Sunday’s game. Whoever’s the Redskins QB on November 18, 2051 will definitely be shitting himself. Hope Alex Smith is able to bounce back strong.

#ThrowbackThursday, #SeriousEdition

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated while riding in a motorcade through Dallas. In the dark days that followed, the nation struggled to come to grips with what happened. It was during this time that then-NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle made what he would later refer to as the greatest mistake of his tenure. The NFL has put together an incredibly in-depth feature on the aftermath of the assassination and the first games played since then, as well as the Kennedy family’s relationship with football and how the president’s death impacted the Cowboys. Sports Illustrated also wrote a brilliant piece, published to reflect on the 40th anniversary of President Kennedy’s death, that chronicles the impact of what happened on the Redskins players and Washington as a whole. I recommend reading both. I will try to summarize everything as best I can without being too wordy.

The assassination happened on a Friday. With some teams already scheduled to fly to games that day awaiting word on what to do, Rozelle had to make a decision put upon him by unprecedented circumstances. On one hand, the NFL (which was still an emerging league nowhere the mega power it is today) was establishing itself as the king of Sunday and didn’t want to stunt that growth. On the other hand, the rival AFL had already canceled its games that weekend, as had most of college football (the NBA and MLB played on). What’s more, players, coaches, executives, and fans alike would hardly be in the mood for football. Unsure of what to do, Rozelle called up an old college friend: President Kennedy’s press secretary Pierre Salinger. Less than six hours after his boss was murdered, Salinger implored Rozelle to play the games as scheduled. With Salinger’s words ringing in his ears and despite objections from notable league figures like Pittsburgh Steelers chairman Dan Rooney and Cleveland Browns owner Art Modell, Rozelle announced that the weekend’s games would be played, saying, “football was Mr. Kennedy’s game.” A quirk in the schedule also contributed to the decision; neither Washington (home of the White House) or Dallas (where the assassination happened) had home games. If they did, the games likely would’ve been either postponed or canceled altogether.

The reaction was immediate, immense, and enduring. Rozelle was utterly eviscerated in the media, with the backlash almost causing his reign as commissioner to come to an early end. To this day, Rozelle’s decision is seen as the lone black eye on an otherwise great tenure (with everyone forgetting how he fucked Al Davis and the Raiders over every chance he could *cough* John Elway *cough*). As for the games themselves, they were about as abnormal as they could be. Though Rozelle had allowed them to happen, the games would feature no pomp and circumstance. There were no player introductions, no halftime shows, no music (though some teams did play “Taps”). Modell, whose Browns were hosting the Cowboys, told the PA announcer not to utter the word “Dallas,” fearful of stirring up the country’s anger. The tens of thousands of fans inside each stadium were largely silent, shaken from what took place days earlier. Many players themselves didn’t want to be there and couldn’t concentrate. Two Eagles players had even gotten into a fistfight the day prior during the team’s meeting of whether or not they would play (Philadelphia was hosting Washington). To add to the eeriness of the whole day, news of Lee Harvey Oswald’s own assassination broke less than an hour before the first slate of games kicked off.

Though Rozelle’s decision was obviously massive when it happened, it’s impact has only grown as the years have passed. One effect of the decision was that it established the NFL as a force that would always play for its fans, no matter what happens. That attitude came into focus again nearly 40 years later, in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. The NFL once again had to decide whether or not to play in the wake of national tragedy, though it had a bit more time to make the call (the attacks happened on a Tuesday). Once again, prominent figures such as late New York Giants owner Wellington Mara (who believed Rozelle had made the wrong decision) implored for the games to be called off. Then-commissioner Paul Tagliabue ultimately agreed with Mara, though he postponed the games to the last week of the season rather than cancel them altogether. Interestingly, this resulted in the Super Bowl being played in February for the first time. Even more interestingly, Tagliabue’s decision came against the White House’s wishes. As they did all those years ago, they had hoped to get the country back to normalcy as quickly as possible though football on Sunday.

#ThrowbackThursday, #HilariousEdition

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 22, 2012, the greatest in-game meme in NFL history happened. No one could’ve seen it coming. The New York Jets were a year removed from back-to-back AFC Championship Game appearances. Sure, they had regressed the year before. But they were still thought of as a playoff contender with Mark Sanchez at the helm. The New England Patriots, meanwhile, had been to the Super Bowl the previous year and were still one of the best teams in football. This Thanksgiving showdown was supposed to be a tight contest of rivals, especially considering the first meeting between the two that year was a narrow 29-26 Patriots win in overtime in New England. It actually was living up to the billing, with both teams scoreless after the 1st quarter.

The Patriots got on the board with a Wes Welker TD and led 7-0 with 9:56 left in the 2nd quarter. What followed was the minute of game time the Jets, to this day, have never recovered from. First, Tom Brady hit Shane Vereen, who turned a short pass into an 83-yard score. After a touchback on the ensuring kickoff, Sanchez hit Clyde Gates for an 11-yard gain. Then, on 1st and 10 from the Jets’ 31-yard line, it happened. On a designed run, Sanchez turned to the wrong side and missed the handoff. Trying to salvage the play, Sanchez ran back towards the line to try and down the ball. Instead, Sanchez slid head-first into the ass of his RG, Brandon Moore, causing the ball to pop loose. Steve Gregory picked it up and ran it back for a TD. Behold, in all of its glory: the Butt Fumble.

The reaction was immediate. No one could quite believe what the hell they had just seen, yet could definitely believe something like this had happened to the Jets. Still, the rest of the game had to be played. Sanchez’s chance to redeem himself never really happened because Joe McKnight fumbled the ensuing kickoff, which Julian Edelman promptly picked up and returned for a third TD in 52 seconds. The score was 35-3 New England at halftime and 49-19 at the end. While the game might’ve been over, the fallout from the Butt Fumble was far from it. The play was the perfect storm: utter humiliation in a way never seen before to a team and player brightly in the media spotlight that immediately led to a score by the other team. It was so bad that, after the game, famous Jets superfan Fireman Ed “retired” his persona and didn’t lead another “J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!” chant for nearly three years. Add in the fact that fans started calling for the Jets’ backup QB, none other than Tim Tebow, and holy shit. Everyone, from fans and armchair QBs to players, coaches, the media, and other personalities ran with the humiliation. ESPN in particular went hard on the embarrassment. The Butt Fumble was named No. 1 on that week’s “Not Top 10” plays on Sportscenter and remained king via fan vote for 40 straight weeks before the network decided to retire it. They also compiled an oral history of the play on its five-year anniversary last year. The Butt Fumble even has its own Wikipedia page. The play pretty much was the moment the Rex Ryan era jumped the shark in New York. The Jets failed to return to the playoffs and haven’t made it back (or found a stable QB) since. The Butt Fumble has often been labeled as the worst play in NFL history, making the likes of Jim Marshall running the wrong way, the Redskins’ genius “swinging gate” idea, and whatever the hell the Colts tried to do a few years ago seem like incomplete passes in comparison. I’m not sure we’ll ever see that perfect mix of hilarious, incredible failure ever again. Happy Butt Fumble Day, everyone!
Fun fact: this game also gave us the Vince Wilfork eating turkey gif.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1995 — Toy Story is released as the first feature-length film created entirely using CGI.
• 1986 — Mike Tyson becomes the youngest heavyweight champion in boxing history at age 20.
• 1984 — My girlfriend, Scarlett Johansson, is born. Fuck you, Colin Jost.
• 1975 — Juan Carlos is declared King of Spain following the death of dictator Francisco Franco.
• 1968 — The Beatles release their ninth studio album, The Beatles, better known as “The White Album.”
• 1967 — Mark Ruffalo, best known as the modern day Hulk, is born.
• 1963 — The Beatles release their second studio album, With the Beatles. The Beatles really liked November 22 for some reason.
• 1963 — William Clay Ford Sr. buys the Detroit Lions for $4.5M. A lot happened on this day apparently.
• 1963 — Writers Aldous Huxley (Brave New World) and C.S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia) die. Holy shit.
• 1958 — Actress and scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis is born.
• 1956 — The Summer Games of the XVI Olympiad are opened in Melbourne.
• 1954 — The Humane Society is founded.
• 1943 — Iconic tennis champion Billie Jean King is born.
• 1921 — Actor and legendary comedian Rodney Dangerfield is born.
• 1877 — Joan Gamper, founder of FC Barcelona, is born.
• 1744 — First Lady Abigail Adams, wife of President John Adams and mother of President John Quincy Adams, is born. How did I not put 2 and 2 together and realize John Adams and John Quincy Adams were related until now?
• 1718 — Pirate Edward Teach, better known as “Blackbeard,” is killed in battle.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy National Cranberry Relish Day! This dish is believed to have originated in the early 1900’s and has since become a favorite among Thanksgiving diners. You know what else is in New England?

 🙂

Fun fact: Susan Stamberg, a radio journalist and NPR special correspondent,

 has been reading her mother-in-law’s recipe for a cranberry relish sauce on air since 1971

. The recipe has garnered some controversy for one of its primary ingredients: horseradish.

I went on the internet…

… and I found this:

I think I’ve shared a couple of his videos before, but it’s time I gave Jon Bois his due. Bois is a Creative Director at SB Nation and makes some amazing stuff. He and another SB Nation person have a series called Dork Town (previously Chart Party) that dives into the statistics of some popular aspects of sports to either make a point (

kickoffs are stupid and bad), explore a hypothetical (

what if Barry Bonds played without a bat?), or tell a story (

the saddest plate appearance of all time). All are incredibly detailed, interesting, and full of kickass jazz music. Bois also has put together a series of videos called Pretty Good, that explore some moments in history that range from statistical anomalies (Troy State 253, Devry 141), to fascinating careers (Lonnie Smith) to topics beyond sports (the dumbest boy alive). These also have great jazz music. Turns out, I really like jazz. In addition, Bois put together a football-based project called 17776 (published on my 25th birthday, no less!) that is too indescribable for words. It also includes Sacramento and Modesto and Livermore and even fucking Oakdale. You have to check it out. Anyway, Jon Bois has made some pretty interesting shit that I think you’d all enjoy.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

49ERS (7-4) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (9-2)

Considering the 49ers just came off a 77-point embarrassment and also had a week where they scored 60 points, being only 60 points pack of the league’s top scorer is pretty impressive. Even so, Gee will need to keep putting up points. Although he’s clinched a playoff spot, Gee faces the Top 2 teams in the league to end the season. Being 9-4 and the possible 2nd seed is a hell of a lot different than being 7-6 and the 6th or 7th seed. Things look like they’ll return to normal for Gee this week. Tom Brady is back and facing the awful Jets defense, while James Conner and the Ravens defense should have bounce-back games against the Broncos and Raiders, respectively. If Sony Michel and Nick Chubb can contribute as well, Gee should be in good shape. However, C’s Champion Team (which can all but lock up the top spot with a win), boasts the like of Drew Brees, OBJ, Zach Ertz, and Khalil Mack all facing teams who suck. If Chriss and Gee perform up to their expectations, this should be Rams-Chiefs all over again.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (6-5) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (8-3)

Only three teams can realistically catch Chriss for the No. 1 spot. One those is Dixie Normous, which, despite being 80 points back in the scoring tiebreaker, is just one game back in the standings. However, Nick’s chances to close both gaps are taking a huge blow this week. His talisman and team MVP, Todd Gurley, is on a bye, as is Travis Kelce. Right now, Nick’s replacements for his top two weapons are Buck Allen And O.J. Howard, the latter just being placed on IR. Matt Stafford and Kenny Golladay against the Bears defense will probably not be enough, even with good games from Stefon Diggs, Peyton Barber, and the Chargers defense. What’s more, the Krispy Kritters lineup looks extra spicy this week. Ben “Fucking Asshole” Roethlisberger may have to deal with Mile High, but he’ll still put up some nice points. DeAndre Hopkins, Melvin Gordon, and Mark Ingram also look like they’ll have good days. If Richard gets solid points from Luke Kuechly and the Cowboys defense as well, this might get ugly. 

WINGS OF FREEDOM (8-3) VS. WILD HOGS (4-7)

After mostly putting up mediocre point totals (yet winning the majority of the time), the Wings of Freedom are finally scoring in bunches. The last three weeks have seen my highest, third-highest, and fourth-highest tallies all season. I have no idea what the hell is happening but I’m really glad it is and I hope it doesn’t stop. Well, part of it is the return of Leonard Fournette, who faces the either amazing or terrible Bills defense. Speaking of “How in the world will they play this week?,” Cam Newton hopefully can put a complete effort together against the Seahawks. I should get some solid points from Michael Thomas and the Bears defense, and might be set it Michael Crabtree, Dion Lewis, and Tarik Cohen perform well, too. As for Wild Hogs, they need to win to stay in the playoff picture. Jimmy’s fate will likely ride with Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, and Tevin Coleman, who face the Saints. Yikes. Jimmy will need Aaron Jones, Phillip Lindsay, and the Colts defense to play well to make up for any potential holes in the lineup.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (3-8) VS. THE HEAVY HITTERS (7-4)

He’s achieved a truly incredible feat by winning back-to-back fantasy football championships. But if Brian loses again this week, his two-year reign will come to an end. Fred Sanford (Dummy) is a game back of the final playoff spot, but 115 points behind in the scoring tiebreaker. Brian needs to win out and Jimmy lose out to have a shot. I’ll try and help him this week, but Brian has to come through against fearsome opposition. The Heavy Hitters may be losing Pat Mahomes to the bye week, but Kyle still has guys like Ezekiel Elliott, Joe Mixon, Mike Evans, and Emmanuel Sanders to fall back on. The Patriots defense also has the luxury of facing the Jets this week. Brian counters in this do-or-die scenario with his Vikings duo of Kirk Cousins and Adam Thielen, who should fare better against the Packers this week than they did against the Bears last week. Christian McCaffrey, Jordan Howard, Kerryon Johnson, and his very own Bills defense will need big games as well. The champ has his back against the wall. How will he respond?

JOP SUEY!!! (1-10) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (6-5)

Jop Suey!!! finally got the monkey off its back by finally winning a goddamn game last week. In doing so, they also kept an impossible dream alive. Not the playoffs, no. Fuck no. But, there is still a chance Taylor doesn’t finish dead last in the standings. He’s two games back of the elderly members of the league and has both of them on points easily. Should one or both lose out, Taylor might just creep out of the basement. All he has to do is something he’s only done once all season: win. To that end, Taylor why the fuck is Andrew Luck in your starting lineup? Put him there so he and T.Y. Hilton can dominate the Dolphins. With Gronk back and the likes of Adrian Peterson and David Johnson playing well, Taylor has a decent shot. Footballdamus, meanwhile, hopes to clinch a playoff spot in a roller coaster season with another great effort from Russell Wilson, Alvin Kamara, Davante Adams, Von Miller, and DeSean Jackson. Riez would also like the Packers defense to not get killed too badly against the Vikings this time.  

GREATER FOOLS (3-8) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-7)

Oh boy, a matchup between the two lowest scoring teams in the league. Considering their poor record and lack of ability to put up points, Greater Fools and (probably) Three Eyed Ravens need a win to keep their playoff hopes alive. Unfortunately for Dad, Jared Goff goes on a bye this week, meaning he’ll have to hinge his hopes on Lamar Jackson against a now bitterly conflicted Ewing. However, Dad did steal Leighton Vander Esch from me off waivers, so I have no sympathy for him. Let’s see if Antonio Brown and the Steelers defense don’t shit the bed against the Broncos, Derrick “Travis” Henry and Latavius Murray get you positive points this time, and if you finally make the right call with Doug Baldwin. As for Ewing, Aaron Rodgers, Juju-Smith Schuster, and Saquon Barkley look primed for big games again. Like every week however, that’s pretty much all of Ewing’s lineup that looks positive. Someone like Tyler Boyd, the Broncos defense, Chris Godwin, or George Kittle will have to step up. I don’t have high hopes.

ONE LAST THING

In case you’ve been living under a rock or haven’t gone outside in two weeks, let me remind you of another big reason to be thankful for what you have today.

Just an hour or two to our north, thousands of lives have been utterly devastated by the Camp Fire, the deadliest and most destructive our state has ever seen. In two weeks (as of this writing), flames have torched 153,000 acres of Butte County (90% contained), killed 83 people, destroyed nearly 14,000 homes and 5,000 other buildings, and turned the city of Paradise into ash. Hundreds people remain missing. Thousands more have had to flee with what they could carry, and now must figure out how to rebuild their lives. 

Being in the news business, I’ve seen countless images of the destruction these flames have caused, heard dozens of heart-stopping stories of survival, and seen sheer hopelessness in the eyes of many who have to answer the question of. “What now?.” This fucking sucks, and I haven’t even mentioned the smoke yet. Here’s some perspective: the Sacramento area has had pretty much the worst air quality in the entire world for the past week or so. One of our reporters recently spend the morning in Paradise for a story. When he came back, he took a big breath of air because it was so much better here than it was over there. That’s just one example how bad things have become.

As you sit down with friends and family and dig into your turkey and stuffing, remember that a lot of people not far from here don’t have that luxury right now. If you want to even help them out a little bit, click here. FOX40 has been partnering with the Salvation Army to raise funds for the many victims of the Camp Fire. Some of you may have wanted to help but didn’t know where to go or if your money/supplies would really be going to where it’s needed. This is legit. 100% of the money raised through that link will go to disaster relief efforts. These are good people who want to help people who’ve had unimaginable things happen to them. It sounds cliche, but every dollar really does help.

We have a lot to be thankful for.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

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