Ruben's Writings

If you don’t know who the guy on the left is, he’s responsible for the guy on the right. His name is Stephen Hillenburg, a former marine biology teacher, created an informative comic book in the 1980’s in order to educate people about tide pool animals. He also worked as a fry cook in a seafood restaurant. In the 90’s, he decided to get into animated television and got a job on Nickelodeon’s Rocko’s Modern Life. He then decided to pool all of those ideas and create a little show called SpongeBob SquarePants, which would become one of the most immensely popular, critically acclaimed, financially successful, award-winning, longest-running, and universally beloved TV shows of all time.

Three days ago, Hillenburg died at age 57 due to complications with ALS.

I’ve already explained how I hate doing tribute newsletters because it means someone I like or made something I like is dead. I also didn’t want to half-ass a SpongeBob-themed newsletter I knew I would eventually write (the show’s 20th anniversary is next year). I even had a theme picked out already, complete with finished matchup pictures. But in the end, I knew this was something I simply had to do.

Can any of my fellow 90’s kids name a cartoon that everyone liked more, quoted more, and watched more, and that we look back fondly on more than SpongeBob? No, you can’t. Shit, we still quote it today. Don’t get me wrong, the show is a shell of what it once was and honestly cringe-worthy to look at now. But the episodes from its heyday, particularly seasons 1-3, stand up to any cartoon ever created. If you can honestly watch this video without smiling, laughing, or experiencing some serious nostalgia, you are either lying or simply a heartless bastard.

Thank you for creating such a huge part of my childhood (and, to some extent, my adulthood), Mr. Hillenburg. May you rest in pace.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

49ERS (8-4) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (9-3)

128.52 – 97.44

Alright, I think 49ers might’ve overtaken the Krispy Kritters as the most “Jekyll and Hyde” team in the league. After dropping 145 points three weeks ago but barely more than half that the next week, Gee flipped the script in more ways than one last week, not only putting up the second-highest point total in the league, but taking out first place C’s Champion Team as well. Gee has his RBs to thank for this offensive showcase. Nick Chubb (24 points) and Sony Michel (20 points) powered the roster, while Kenyan Drake even put up 21 points on the bench. Tom Brady (19 points) didn’t totally suck and Gee reaped the benefits of his Ravens defense (18 points) playing the Raiders. As for Chriss, the roster outside of Drew Brees (21 points), Tyler Lockett (16 points), and Zach Ertz (15 points) did nothing. Khalil Mack had a horrible game and Chriss only got 14 points combined from his three RBs. Chriss’ poor result could not only mean the scoring title slips away, but the top seed was also up for grabs. Could 2nd and 3rd place take advantage? 

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (7-5) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (8-4)

101.28 – 87.44

In a word: no. Let’s start with Dixie Normous, which was neutered coming into this matchup. With both Todd Gurley and Travis Kelce, Nick knew he had to be bold. Betting on not one, not two, but three Lions players against the best defense in the NFL is pretty bold. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. Let’s just say Blake “just got benched for sucking against the Bills” Bortles would’ve been a better option. Throw in a shitty all-around showing the roster, and not even nice late efforts from Dermaryious Thomas (15 points) and Stefon Diggs (14 points) could save Nick. The Krispy Kritters honestly didn’t do much better. Granted, Ben Roethlisberger (22 points) and Melvin Gordon (18 points) led all scorers. But Richard’s supporting cast was nearly as awful as Nick’s. No one else apart from SeaBass even gave Richard single digits. But in the end, it was enough for Richard to pull off the upset and secure a spot in the playoffs. Meanwhile, Nick failed to take advantage of Chriss’ loss and pull even on record. So… what about 3rd place? 

WILD HOGS (5-7) DEF. WINGS OF FREEDOM (8-4)

138.28 – 110.54

What kind of bullshit ass fuckery is this? Amari Cooper are you fucking kidding me? You hadn’t scored 20 points all year and only finished above 12 points once? All the while I write you a nice farewell and thank you for your service with the Raiders. What do you do to repay me? Drop 30 GODDAMN POINTS against me?!? Fucking hell, this is Ben Roethlisberger, Part 2. To make matters worse, pretty much everyone else on the Wild Hogs performed well or dig just enough to fuck me over. Meanwhile, Michael Thomas has his worst game of the season for Wings of Freedom, Dion Lewis gives me little more, nice games from Cam Newton (23 points) and David Njoku (12 points) go to waste, and Leonard Fournette (22 points) decides it’s a good idea to punch someone wearing a helmet and gets himself suspended for a game. Suddenly, my rebuttal for Cooper is gone. I’m sure Jimmy’s not complaining. He has to win out to hold onto the final playoff spot, and he got the first of two he needs. Next week will be the tougher challenge.

THREE EYED RAVENS (5-7) DEF. GREATER FOOLS (3-9)

119.52 – 85.82

Wild Hogs doesn’t have a firm grasp on the playoffs because Three Eyed Ravens finally righted the ship against Greater Fools. The second-lowest scoring team is suddenly just one loss by Jimmy away from salvaging its once secure playoff spot. After five straight losses seemingly put Ewing out of the postseason picture, this result has kept the race alive. And what a result it was, with Ewing laying down an absolute ass-whooping, knocking Dad out of playoff contention in the process. Saquon Barkley (26 points) and Juju Smith-Schuster (24 points) went off, while the Broncos defense and Terrell Suggs (13 points each) came through in support for Ewing. With Jared Goff on a bye, Dad turned to Lamar Jackson to give Ewing an ironic defeat.While Jackson did his part with 22 points, no one else apart from Keenan Allen (13 points) and Peyton Barber (12 points) showed up. Antonio Brown, Derrick “Travis” Henry, and the Steelers defense were particularly disappointing. It’s a fitting end for the lowest-scoring team in the league. 

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (4-8) DEF. THE HEAVY HITTERS (7-5)

120.78 – 120.00

Technically, the race for the final playoff spot is down to three teams, not two. That’s because the two-time defending champ is going down swinging. Fred Sanford (Dummy) survived a Monday Night push to score a shocking upset over the top-scoring Heavy Hitters. It didn’t seem like Brian would be in a good spot after Ezekiel Elliott (20 points) got Kyle off to a hot start. But then Christian McCaffrey went off, dropping 35 points and putting Brian back in the game. While Kyle later got a sizable lead thanks to solid days from Eric Ebron (17 points), Matt Breida (14 points), and Joe Mixon (13 points), as well as most of Brian’s roster playing like shit, it was not insurmountable. That’s because Andy Dalton also played like shit and got hurt (bad enough to be put on IR). That left the door open for Brian to roar back behind Kirk Cousins (27 points) and Adam Thielen (18 points). Still, Brian only had a six-point lead going into Monday Night. However, Ryan Succop couldn’t close the gap, allowing Brian to fight one last day.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (7-5) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (1-11)

100.56 – 81.80

Well, it’s official. Jop Suey!!! is the worst team in the league. With this latest loss to Footballdamus, Taylor can no longer overtake Dad and will finish in last place, a far cry from his close runner-up performance a year ago. This latest failure encapsulates everything that has gone wrong for Taylor this season. Deshaun Watson went beast mods for 29 points. Julian Edelman (14 points) and T.Y. Hilton (13 points) played well. However, positions Taylor expected to carry the load (David Johnson, Greg Olsen, Adrian Peterson, the Jaguars defense) did not perform. Plus, managerial moves by Taylor (Marlon Mack over Corey Davis, not starting Gronk, not having a K) let another winnable game slip away. Riez certainly left the door open. DeSean Jackson, Vance McDonald, John Brown, and the Packers defense all were exceptionally shitty. However, Russell Wilson (21 points) did well and Lamar Miller (22 points) and Ka’imi Fairbairn (12 points) did more than enough to secure victory. Only one more week, Taylor.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (9-3)*
2. 49ers (8-4)*
3. Dixie Normous (8-4)*
4. Wings of Freedom (8-4)*
5. The Heavy Hitters (7-5)*
6. The Krispy Kritters (7-5)*
7. Footballdamus (7-5)*
8. Wild Hogs (5-7)
9. Three Eyed Ravens (5-7)
10. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (4-8)
11. Greater Fools (3-9)e
12. Jop Suey!!! (1-11)e

* = clinched a playoff spot

e = eliminated

– Only Chriss, Gee, Nick, and I can claim the $30 BWW gift card. Well, I wouldn’t “win” the gift card. I would just not have to drop $30 on one of you assholes.

– Chriss clinches the gift card with a win or losses by Gee, Nick, and me.

– Gee clinches the gift card with a win and a loss by Chriss, while outscoring Chriss by 30 points and Nick and I at all. 

– Nick or I clinch the gift card with a win, losses by the other three, and Chriss and Gee sitting their entire rosters.

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. The Heavy Hitters (1429.24)
2. C’s Champion Team (1415.92)
3. 49ers (1386.04)
4. The Krispy Kritters (1366.90)
5. Dixie Normous (1325.30)
6. Wild Hogs (1307.60)
7. Wings of Freedom (1304.56)
8. Footballdamus (1268.50)
9. Jop Suey!!! (1218.90)
10. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (1175.36)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (1147.08)
12. Greater Fools (1089.10)

– Realistically, only Kyle, Chriss, Gee, and Richard (sort of) have a shot at the free six-pack/40.

– Kyle clinches the beer by outscoring the other three or not being outscored by Chriss by 14 points, Gee by 43 points, or Richard by 63 points.

– Chriss clinches the beer by outscoring Kyle by 14 points and not being outscored by Gee by 30 points or Richard by 49 points.

– Gee clinches the beer by outscoring Kyle by 43 points and Chriss by 30 points and not being outscored by Richard by 19 points.

– Richard clinches the beer with an extraordinarily awesome day and unbelievably shitty days from the other three.

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

• Chicago Bears 23-16 Detroit Lions
• Dallas Cowboys 31-23 Washington Redskins
• New Orleans Saints 31-17 Atlanta Falcons
• Philadelphia Eagles 25-22 New York Giants
• Buffalo Bills 24-21 Jacksonville Jaguars
• Seattle Seahawks 30-27 Carolina Panthers
• Baltimore Ravens 34-17 Oakland Raiders fuck you Ewing
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers 27-9 San Francisco 49ers
• Cleveland Browns 35-20 Cincinnati Bengals
• New England Patriots 27-13 New York Jets
• Los Angeles Chargers 45-10 Arizona Cardinals
• Denver Broncos 24-17 Pittsburgh Steelers
• Indianapolis Colts 27-24 Miami Dolphins
• Minnesota Vikings 24-17 Green Bay Packers
• Houston Texans 34-17 Tennessee Titans
• Top 15 Plays of the Week

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Chase Daniel is a little too eager to get on the field.
• Tarik Cohen had a little too much turkey.
• The Bears pull off a Temptations celebration in Motown.
• Ezekiel Elliott makes a $21 donation to the Salvation Army.
• Not content, Elliott later donates his own QB.
• Trey Quinn does the Scarn.
• Baker Mayfield is putting plenty of passes “In the Air Tonight.”
• Damarious Randall has a gift for his former head coach.
• Baker wants none of Hue Jackson after the game.
• OBJ makes a seriously impressive kick during warm-ups.
• Cordarrelle Patterson grabs life (and Henry Anderson) by the balls.
• Shit hits the fan in the Jaguars-Bills game.
• Tre White has some fun behind the ref’s back.
• Chris Carson what the actual fuck?
• Tyler Lockett pulls off the Allen Iverson step-over.
• Pete Carroll no context.
• A K passes to a fat guy for a TD? Be still my beating heart.
• The Vikings execute the best celebration of the season.
• Texas BBQ is amazing.
• That’s not how rodeos work, ESPN.

BAND GEEKS COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• The Apple Cup is low-key one of the best rivalries in college football. While both teams have historically been terrible, Washington and Washington State can produce some great moments when they shared the field, especially with both now being good. With this year’s winner clinching the Pac-12 North, this matchup was highly anticipated. However, things took an unfortunate turn the day before the game when a charter bus carrying the Huskies Marching Band flipped over and crashed on its way to Pullman. 47 of the 56 students on board were hospitalized, and the band couldn’t attend the Apple Cup as a result. But, college football one again proved sports unites much more than it divides, especially when bad things happen. With their rivals missing in action, the Cougar Marching Band played the Huskies’ fight song, “Bow Down to Washington.” The Cougars’ band director said they wanted to show camaraderie in the wake of such an unfortunate incident. While I’m sure the Husky faithful were grateful for this show of sportsmanship, No. 16 Washington ended up killing both Wazzu’s and the Pac-12’s CFP hopes with a 28-15 win over the No. 8 Cougars amid snowy conditions. Washington will now face No. 17 Utah for the Pac-12 title and a spot in the Rose Bowl. At least Wazzu scored a defensive two-point conversion? 

Weekly Raiders Rant

Sure, getting pounded by the Ravens was bad enough. But things were even more painful on a league-wide scale. This past week, it was former Raiders dealing the blow. Michael Crabtree found the endzone for Baltimore, Khalil Mack continues to help the Bears even without getting in the box score, and I’ve already talked about Amari Cooper’s bullshit week for the Cowboys. It’s bad enough to see those guys do well elsewhere, but their success has an even worse side effect. Every team we dealt these stars to for draft capital is doing their best to make those picks worse and worse. Meanwhile, the Oakland has somehow dropped to the 3rd overall pick. Now, we have to hope San Francisco can beat the Seahawks, Rams, Broncos, or Bears, and Arizona beats either the Packers, Lions (might actually happen), Falcons, Rams of Seahawks. It sure seems like the best-laid plans will go awry. Im-fucking-peccable. 
Plus, I couldn’t even appreciate Jared Cook’s insane TD catch because Jimmy had him. This is such a load of bullshit.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Yeah, I don’t think the Giants regret taking Saquon Barkley No. 2 overall.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 29, 1934, one game resulted in a pair of notable first ever occurrences. 1934 was the first season the Detroit Lions were, well, the Detroit Lions, having spent the first few years of their existence as the Portsmouth Spartans. That move was thanks to new Lions owner George Richards, who soon made another shrewd decision. The Tigers were the main show in Motown and the Lions needed to do something to make a name for themselves. So, Richards lobbied to for his team to host a Thanksgiving game that season. The game they got was against the Chicago Bears, which was about as hyped up as a game could be back then. The Bears were the defending NFL champs and boasted an 11-0 record heading into Thanksgiving. The Lions weren’t too shabby themselves, entering the matchup with a 10-1 record and a defense that didn’t give up a TD in the first eight games of the season. That all not only led to the 26,000-seat University of Detroit Stadium being sold out two weeks in advance, but another estimated 25,000 people being turned away at the gate. Richards also used that hype to get NBC radio to call the game across a 94-station system, making this the first nationally broadcast game in NFL history. The game was a thriller, which the Lions, in typical fashion, lost 19-16. However, the unexpected popularity laid the foundation for NFL games on Thanksgiving and Detroit being a part of them. Since that 1934 showdown, the Lions have hosted a game on Thanksgiving every season the league has played on Turkey Day. However, this being the Lions, the white meat usually comes with a generous serving of heartbreak and failure. Evidence: last week’s 23-16 loss to those same Bears, who were starting backup QB Chase Daniel. Pour (another) one out for Detroit

.THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1999 — Iconic game show host Gene Rayburn, of Match Game fame, dies.
• 1988 — Seattle Seahawks QB and “miracle water” connoisseur Russell Wilson is born.
• 1977 — Chadwick Boseman, who’s portrayed iconic black culture icons such as Jackie Robinson, James Brown, Thurgood Marshall, and Black Panther in film, is born.
• 1973 — Manchester United great Ryan Giggs is born.
• 1972 — Atari releases Pong, the first commercially successful video game.
• 1969 — Future HOF pitcher Mariano Rivera, who blew a save in Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS that helped the Boston Red Sox become the only MLB team to win a playoff series after being down 0-3, is born.
• 1964 — Accomplished actor Don Cheadle is born.
• 1927 — Legendary sportscaster Vin Scully, who spent 67 seasons calling games for the LA Dodgers (who just lost the 2018 World Series to the Boston Red Sox), is born.
• 1902 — The Pittsburgh Stars defeated the Philadelphia Athletics 11–0 to win the first championship associated with a national professional football league in the U.S..
• 1899 — FC Barcelona is founded.
• 1898 — Author C.S. Lewis, best known for the Chronicles of Narnia series, is born.
• 1777 — San Jose, CA, is founded as Pueblo de San José de Guadalupe by José Joaquín Moraga.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy Electronic Greetings Day! This is me greeting you electronically. Hi.

I went on the internet…

… and I found this:

Welcome to Dark Souls, the children’s flash game. I found out about this game via r/baseball being bored as hell during the offseason. Apparently, Winnie the Pooh’s Home Run Derby! has huge popularity online, and not just because it’s a baseball game. No, this game is apparently more difficult than a calculus final, which is amazing considering this is a computer game made for children. I thought that was bullshit until I gave it a try. 

Holy shit. This is genuinely one of the hardest games I’ve ever played. You play as the titular character trying to hit pitches thrown by various Hundred Acre Wood characters, with a certain home run target for each stage and a progressively more difficult opponent. 

The first three stages (Eeyore, Lumpy, Piglet) are sort of hard. The next two (Kanga/Roo and Rabbit) are tricky in their own right. Then, things get turned up to 11. Stage 6 is Owl, who throws pitches that are not only insanely tough to hit, but defy the laws of physics. If you somehow get past him, Tigger awaits. This guy throws straight up the pipe, but the ball literally disappears before it goes over the plate, leaving you to take guesses as to when to swing. I have yet to advance past this level, but this is not the final chapter. Oh no. If you somehow manage to unlock the “special stage,” you face Christopher Robin. In the footage I’ve seen, you have a better change of smiting God than defeating him. Christopher Robin is regular season Clayton Kershaw mixed with postseason Madison Bumgarner. In fact, this Big Three of Owl, Tigger, and Christopher Robin make Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, and John Smoltz look like Moe, Curly, and Larry by comparison. Incredibly, there’s apparently a Japanese version of the game that’s EVEN MORE difficult. Like, what in the actual fuck is this shit?

This game has produced some incredible memes, though. Check out this review of someone who actually made it to Christopher Robin. If anyone feels foolish enough to attempt to slay the dragon, here’s the link. Abandon all hope, ye who click it.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

WILD HOGS (5-7) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (9-3)

The scenario is simple for Wild Hogs: win and they’re in the playoffs. The final postseason spot is the lone one still up for grabs, and they and Three Eyed Ravens are the main two contenders. Jimmy happens to have a 160-point edge on Ewing, which is insurmountable. Thus, the whole “win and in” thing. As always, Jimmy’s luck rides with his Falcons core of Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, and Tevin Coleman, who face the Ravens this week. Amari Cooper probably won’t drop 30 points again (asshole), but still needs to have a big game against the Saints. Jared Cook is facing the Chiefs, so Jimmy will likely need Aaron Jones and Phillip Lindsay to play well as well. If Darius Leonard and the Colts defense can feast on the Cody Kessler-led Jaguars, Jimmy might be sitting pretty. However, he’s still facing the 1st place C’s Champion Team, which needs a win of its own to secure the top playoff spot. Chriss’ arsenal of Drew Brees, OBJ, Tyler Lockett, Zach Ertz, and Khalil Mack stands between Jimmy and a much-needed win.

JOP SUEY!!! (1-11) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (5-7)

If Wild Hogs can’t get it done, Three Eyed Ravens is likely to seize the moment. Ewing was looking good before falling below the cut line thanks to a five-game losing streak. However, he’s got a huge break. Last week Ewing saved his season with a win over the least potent team in the league (Greater Fools). This week, he faces the last place team, Jop Suey!!!, and has some spicy-looking matchups. Aaron Rodgers gets to feast on the hapless Cardinals and the Broncos defense get to maul the Andy Dalton-less Bengals. However, Saquon Barkley is facing a brick wall in the Bears defense, which could open the door for Taylor to play spoiler. To do just that, Taylor has a choice to make: Deshaun Watson against the Browns or Andrew Luck against the Jaguars? I know which I’d pick, especially considering Taylor also has T.Y. Hilton. Taylor also has to put Gronk back in his lineup already, unless he’s really hoping for Adrian Peterson, Julian Edelman, and Corey Davis not to suck. David Johnson can’t do it all. 

WINGS OF FREEDOM (8-4) VS.  FRED SANFORD (DUMMY)(4-8)

Of course, Wild Hogs and Three Eyed Ravens aren’t the only two teams fighting for the last spot, though they are the only realistic options. Fred Sanford (Dummy) needs to not only defeat Wings of Freedom, but also has to have both Jimmy and Ewing to lose as well. Oh, and outscore Jimmy by 130 points. So yeah, he’s all but cooked. Still, Brian truly is battling until the very end, so I have to give him props. Christian McCaffrey, Kirk Cousins, and Adam Thielen will be a tough combo to deal with as usual. while D.J. Moore and Jordan Howard each have good matchups. If the Bills defense can have another strong game, Brian might go out a winner. Meanwhile, I have the pleasure of being forced to sit Leonard Fournette’s dumb ass due to suspension. If Cam Newton could actually play a full game of football (and avoid Moore), I might not miss Fournette too much. That is, if Michael Thomas reverts back to proper form, Tarik Cohen can keep it up, and Dion Lewis doesn’t have another shitty day. Tall orders, I know.

49ERS (8-4) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (8-4)

Somewhat lost in the ebb and flow of the season is the amount of parity in the league this year. The records of 2nd through 7th place are separated by only a single game, which makes these next couple of matchups quite intriguing. Starting off, 2nd place 49ers against 3rd place Dixie Normous in what could be a quarterfinal, semifinal, or Epic Bowl preview. In fact, should Gee prevail, he could take the top spot with a loss by Chriss. To that end, Gee’s getting Tyreek Hill back from a bye to go with the reliable Tom Brady and the recently under-performing James Conner. Sony Michel and Nick Chubb might not be up to standards either, considering they both have tough matchups this week. As for Nick, Todd Gurley and Travis Kelce are back from their byes, with Kenny Golladay, Stefon Diggs, and Demaryious Thomas look ready to go. The big question is at QB, as Matt Stafford sucked absolute ass last week and is playing the Rams. The only other QB on Nick’s roster is Blake Bortles. Yikes. Well, hope for an upset, I guess.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (7-5) VS. THE HEAVY HITTERS (7-5)

I’ve labeled a few teams “feast or famine” this season. That being said, what in the actual hell is Footballdamus? Riez started 2-0, lost four straight, and has now won three in a row and five of his last six. Now, Riez unbelievably has a chance to finish ahead of the highest-scoring team in the league, the Heavy Hitters, who’ve suffered some weird losses this year. Another loss could be the difference between playing flame throwers like Chriss or Gee in the first round and playing someone a lot less potent. With Kyle getting Pat Mahomes back, it seems like he’ll be have a bit more heat this time. Although Ezekiel Elliott, Matt Breida, and Joe Mixon have tough matchups, everyone else in the lineup looks ready to roll. Riez might also have trouble with his RBs (Alvin Kamara and Lamar Miller), but Russell Willson and Davante Adams should do well. This one could come down to who does more, DeSean Jackson (Riez) or Mike Evans (Kyle). Wait, Mahomes is playing the Raiders? Oh fuck, Kyle definitely has this one. 

GREATER FOOLS (3-9) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (7-5)

The Krispy Kritters have already locked up a playoff spot and could rise up as high as 3rd place with a win. But while this result will play a significant role in the eventual seeding, Richard has to answer a huge question: how does he replace Melvin Gordon, who will miss at least this week and possibly the rest of the regular season (and our playoffs)? Josh Adams might get the call, but in the end Richard might just hope for bigger games from the likes of DeAndre Hopkins, James White, Mark Ingram, and the Cowboys defense, who all face not east matchups this week. Sure, Ben Roethlisberger could ball out again. However, Greater Fools happens to have Antonio Brown. Dad also gets Jared Goff back from the bye and has Derrick “Travis” Henry, Doug Baldwin, and Peyton Barber in nice matchups. Keenan Allen is also the roster, but he’s playing Dad’s Steelers defense. Also, Dad has to outscore Ewing by 57 points to avoid scoring the least amount of points in the league. Probably not gonna happen.

ONE LAST THING

Imagine being a Lions fan (I can, I know a few), coming home from work at the GM assembly line after seeing several coworkers get laid off for the third time this month, managing to avoid getting shot and having your rust bucket die again, trudging through the freezing cold slush in your yard, getting your daily meal of square pizza, paczki, and Vernors, and flipping your cable TV to enjoy some Jeopardy!, only to see this. At least it’s better than watching the actual Lions play.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness