Ruben's Writings

It’s time, gentlemen. After 13 weeks of football, waiver pickups, shit talking, and bitching, the playoffs are finally here. The field has been whittled down to eight teams duking it out for glory, bragging rights, and cold hard cash. It’s the most exciting time of the fantasy football season and everyone will be glued to the TV this weekend as their teams battle for a spot in the semi-finals.

Well, almost everyone. To be perfectly honest, my weekend will not be spent with my eyes on the scoreboard. Instead, they’ll get to see a whole different fight. I’m gonna sit down on my couch, turn on my brand new Nintendo Switch, and play this bad boy…

Oh man. Ooooooooooooh baby. I have waited so many months for this game to come out. Tomorrow, my copy of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate arrives in my mailbox. Ever since the sudden announcement of this game back in March, I’ve kept track of every update, watched every Direct, discussed every new addition to the roster. Now, it’s finally time to play the game I’ve longed for more than any other. 

For those unfamiliar with the Smash franchise (and if so, are you fucking serious?), it’s a fighting game which pits iconic characters from several franchises from Nintendo and beyond against each other. We’re talking Super Mario, Legend of Zelda, Pokemon, Metroid, Fire Emblem, etc. It started back in 1999 with the original Super Smash Bros. (known as Smash 64). The sequel, Super Smash Bros. Melee, catapulted the series to new levels as one of the best and most popular fighting games ever made. The next edition, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, wasn’t exactly as good. Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS and Wii U (known as Smash 4), was much better. I spend a large part of my early years playing the first three games, and I’ve gotten back into the series since I’ve moved into my own place. Simply put, these games are fun as hell and a great choice to play with friends.

But Ultimate? The hype is real. Ultimate is truly living up to its name with all of the cool shit it’s got. Every single character that’s ever been in a Smash game is included in this one, plus several new additions (not to mention the eventual DLC). There are 100+ stages and brand new game modes/features that fans have either wanted for a long time or didn’t know they wanted until they realized it. The gameplay looks awesome, the graphics are the best in the series, and the music is diverse and excellent. They’re even bringing back adventure mode, pretty much the only thing about Brawl everyone loved. Early reviews are lavishing Ultimate with praise, saying it’s the best Smash game yet. I hope they’re right.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (10-3) DEF. WILD HOGS (5-8)

114.94 – 103.24

With a win, Wild Hogs would’ve been in. However, Jimmy’s key contributors failed him in his hour of need. Not for the first time, but now for the last time, Jimmy’s Atlanta Falcons dropped the ball. Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, and Tevin Coleman combined for only ten points, an incredibly awful that negated any extra gains from Phillip Lindsay’s great day (27 points) and Jared Cook’s much better than expected performance (17 points). C’s Champion Team even got away with an unexpectedly terrible day from Drew Brees. Granted, that also had a lot to do with solid all around contributions from the rest of Chriss’ non-RB lineup. From the Texans defense (18 points) and Justin Tucker (17 points) to OBJ (16 points) and Robert Woods (13 points), Chriss had enough of his bases covered to win comfortable. In fact, he’s been Jimmy’s nightmare this season. A one-point win in Week 2 and the knockout punch last week were the worst of the worst. In fact, Jimmy’s rare postseason miss might’ve eliminated the “Wild Hogs” name altogether. 

THREE EYED RAVENS (6-7) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (1-12)

100.32 – 78.86

Wild Hogs’ loss was Three Eyed Ravens’ gain, if they could get the W. Considering they were facing the last-place Jop Suey!!!, that was a forgone conclusion. Sure enough, Ewing’s guys didn’t fall on their faces, doing enough to get him across the finish line. Aaron Rodgers (15 points) was not spectacular but solid, Chris Godwin (16 points) covered for Juju Smith-Schuster’s poor day, and Saquon Barkely and the Broncos defense (14 points each) made solid contributions as well. Of course, it didn’t hurt that Taylor put forth one final awful day. Normally, three 7s in a row is a sign of good luck. But when they come from T.Y. Hilton, Julian Edelman, and David Johnson, it’s the polar opposite. Only Deshaun Watson (15 points), Harrison Butker (12 points), and Corey Davis (11 points) reached double digits. To put the shit cherry on top of the shit cake, Greg Olsen got a season-ending injury. Fortunately for Taylor, his dreadful fantasy football season is over as well. As for Ewing, he’s got at least one more week to keep the trophy in the family. 

GREATER FOOLS (4-9) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (7-6)

90.88 – 90.84

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW. Holy fucking shit. Talk about a razor close finish! 0.04 points not only decided the outcome in this contest, but also decided the teams in two playoff matchups. Greater Fools didn’t look like they’d even lose in close fashion, let alone win. Jared Goff had an unexpectedly poor day against the Lions of all teams. In fact, none of Dad’s Thursday or early Sunday starters even reached double digits. The Krispy Kritters weren’t too much better, but they were better enough, especially with Ben Roethlisberger still to play. While Big Ben did get 18 points, it was Keenan Allen (22 points) and Antonio Brown (21 points) who stole the show, suddenly propelling Dad into the lead going into Monday Night. But Richard still had one last hope: Josh Adams. Down 9.04 points, Richard got exactly nine points from Adams, coming up oh so close (though surprisingly not the closest in Epic League history). Much like the Titans in Super Bowl XXXIV, one yard was all that stood between Richard and success.

49ERS (9-4) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (8-5)

106.64 – 99.20

So I guess we’re saving all of the good QB play for the final two matchups, huh? Sure, Tom Brady (15 points) did okay for 49ers, but that was still less than the injured James Conner (19 points) put up. Even with solid contributions from the Ravens defense (15 points) and Nick Chubb (13 points), as well as Greg Zuerlein and Telvin Smith (14 points each), Gee left himself wide open. Between Trey Burton’s goose egg and poor efforts from Tyreek Hill and Alshon Jeffery, Dixie Normous had a shot to steal the win. Todd Gurley (28 points) and Travis Kelce (26 points) certainly got the memo. However, it must’ve gotten intercepted before it could reach anyone else on the roster. Nick got nothing from Jon Bostic and only 11 points from Matt Stafford. Incredibly, that was only two points fewer than Nick’s WRs (Kenny Golladay, Stefon Diggs, and Demaryius Thomas) combined to produce. While both Gee and Nick are probably hoping to shake this lackluster performance off for the playoffs, at least Gee can do so as the No. 2 seed. 

THE HEAVY HITTERS (8-5) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (7-6)

148.00 – 122.10

In a sea of low-scoring shitfests, we finally spot an island of scoring, the site of the war between the Heavy Hitters and Footballdamus. As we look over the battlefield, it appears Kyle simply had more firepower at his disposal. Despite poor days from Emmanuel Sanders and Mike Evans, Pat Mahomes (33 points) had more than enough to make up for it. A nice effort from Ezekiel Elliott (19 points) and sold work from Spencer Ware (12 points) also helped, but it was the Seahawks defense (16 points) that came through. In particular, Bobby Wagner. Holy goddamn shitballs, 40 POINTS from a defensive player? I had to do a double take when I saw that. That’s absolutely nuts. No way Riez could’ve overcome that, even with a nice day from Russell Wilson (24 points) and Davante Adams (15 points), as well as amazing performance by Ka’imi Fairbairn (21 points). No shame for Riez in this one, Kyle was just unstoppable on his way to locking up some well-deserved alcoholic beverages. Oh, and the No. 3 seed in the playoffs. That, too.

FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (5-8) DEF. WINGS OF FREEDOM (8-5)

107.94 – 85.04

Well, this wasn’t exactly how Wings of Freedom wanted to enter the playoffs: on a two-game losing streak to teams who failed to make the postseason themselves. Sure, Tarik Cohen (22 points) and Aaron Donald (17 points) are red hot, but they were two of only three lineup spots that put up double digits. Except for Cam Newton (19 points), whose four-INT day proved why he’s as rock solid as non-Newtonian fluid. I got nothing from David Njoku and barely more from Michael Crabtree, Dion Lewis, and Larry Fitzgerald (not shocking), as well as Michael Thomas and the Bears defense (much more shocking). While Fred Sanford (Dummy) was gifted a goose egg from Adam Vinatieri, Christian McCaffrey gave him 23 points instead. Enough support from the rest of the lineup followed, with the icing on the cake coming from Brian’s own Buffalo Bills. Specifically, Josh Allen, who threw 30 points down on me (of course). Brian’s attempt at a three-peat may have fallen short, but at least he went down throwing haymakers. 

STANDINGS

FINAL GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. C’s Champion Team (10-3)*
2. 49ers (9-4)*
3. The Heavy Hitters (8-5)*
4. Dixie Normous (8-5)*
5. Wings of Freedom (8-5)*
6. The Krispy Kritters (7-6)*
7. Footballdamus (7-6)*
8. Three Eyed Ravens (6-7)*
9. Wild Hogs (5-8)e
10. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (5-8)e
11. Greater Fools (4-9)e
12. Jop Suey!!! (1-12)e

* = clinched a playoff spot

e = eliminated

FINAL FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. The Heavy Hitters (1577.24)
2. C’s Champion Team (1530.86)
3. 49ers (1492.68)
4. The Krispy Kritters (1457.74)
5. Dixie Normous (1424.50)
6. Wild Hogs (1410.84)
7. Footballdamus (1390.60)
8. Wings of Freedom (1389.60)
9. Jop Suey!!! (1297.76)
10. Fred Sanford (Dummy) (1283.30)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (1248.12)
12. Greater Fools (1179.98)

The Contenders

12 teams began the season. Eight remain in contention for the title. How do they shape up?

PLAYER 1: C’S CHAMPION TEAM (10-3)

Who’s the laughing stock of the league now, motherfuckers? In just two seasons, C’s Champion Team went from dead last to barely out of the playoffs to the best team in the league. This was no fluke; Chriss whooped wholesale ass this year. After losing the first game, Chriss would only fall two more times, taking out opponent after opponent with weapons such as MVP candidate Drew Brees, OBJ, Tyler Lockett, Zach Ertz, Robert Woods, the Texans defense, and Khalil Mack. In fact, Chriss might’ve been as dominant as Bayonetta was in the (until tomorrow) most recent version of Smash. The last character introduced in Smash 4, Bayonetta ended up as the game’s top choice, with incredible mobility and recovery on top of a wide range of strong moves. In fact, many thought playing Bayonetta was an unfair advantage in itself. However, the Ultimate developers seem to have realized this and given Bayonetta some critical nerfs. While she should still be a top character, Bayonetta likely won’t be the clear cut No. 1. As for Chriss, one of his best weapons, Kareem Hunt, decided to be a fucking dumb asshole and possibly killed his NFL career. For fantasy purposes, this was the worst possible timing for Chriss. While he’s still the top dog, he just lost a big part of his bite. A chink in Chriss’ armor may have presented itself, especially if Brees has another unexpected shitty performance.

PLAYER 2: 49ERS (9-4)

Keep this in mind throughout the rest of this paragraph: the 49ers spent the 3rd overall pick in the draft on Le’Veon Bell, who didn’t play a single snap this season. Gee still managed to finish with the third-highest scoring team in the league and closed out the season on a stellar 7-1 run. How? Turns out, the rest of his draft wasn’t too shabby. Tyreek Hill, A.J. Green (until he got hurt), Tom Brady, Kenyan Drake, Carson Wentz, and Trey Burton have all done well. Meanwhile, Gee’s spent quote a lot of time on the waiver wire, to his benefit. Getting Bell insurance (James Conner) as well as Nick Chubb, Greg Zuerlein, and the Ravens defense were all smart moves still paying off. We always give Gee shit for wanting to Billy Beane everything, but if it works, more power to him. Gee’s roster might be loaded with more weapons than any other team in the playoffs. As far as Smash goes, the character with the most weapons is clearly Snake, making his long-awaited return after his lone appearance in Brawl. On top of his powerful up-tilt and neutral game, Snake can dish out grenades, remote missiles, C4s, and even call in an airstrike. However, quite possibly the only nerf Snake has received is to his ass. Literally. It’s a significant downgrade. Gee, meanwhile, has thrown up a couple stinkers amid his impressive run, finishing below 80 points twice. Gee had better hope he doesn’t shit the bed in the playoffs. 

PLAYER 3: THE HEAVY HITTERS (8-5)

Ladies and gentleman, your 2018 scoring champ! The Heavy Hitters consistently showed up each week, never ending with fewer than 80 points and only finishing in double digits twice all season. That’s actually insane. Not only did Kyle score a lot, but he needed to score, as he had the third-highest points against total in the league (and still got the 3rd seed in the playoffs). What’s more, Kyle appears to be peaking at the right time, scoring at least 120 points in each of the last four weeks and dropping 148 points last week. Looking at Kyle’s roster, it’s no surprise. From his own heavy hitters (Ezekiel Elliott and Joe Mixon) to guys like Mike Evans, Chris Carson, and Bobby Wagner, and more, it’s loaded from top to bottom. One of the few Smash characters capable of producing similar offensive is Cloud, who came, saw, and conquered in Smash 4. Even after Bayonetta’s arrival, Cloud’s up-air, down-smash, and cross slash kept him at the top of the ladder. But what sets Cloud apart is his Limit Break. When fully charged, Cloud goes Super Saiyan. If you’re close to death, you’re fucked. For Kyle, his Limit Break goes by the name of Pat Mahomes, who’s scored 30+ points more times than he’s finished under 25 points. When Mahomes is feeling magical (which he usually is), Kyle is nearly untouchable. If Mahomes goes on a tear over the next three games, it could be Kyle’s title to lose.

PLAYER 4: DIXIE NORMOUS (8-5)

The stench of last season’s basement finish has been wiped clean, as Dixie Normous rose from the ashes to not only make the playoffs, but finish in the Top 4 of the whole league. Having the first overall pick in the draft will do that for you. To his credit, Nick (unlike me last year) didn’t screw it up, selecting the rampaging death machine known as Todd Gurley. Nick’s workhorse RB has been joined by the likes of Travis Kelce, Stefon Diggs, and Kenny Golladay in powering Nick to the postseason. But for the most part, those have been the only true contributors to Nick’s success. Matt Stafford has been so disappointing, Nick resorted to starting Blake Bortles instead. Overall, Nick hasn’t really scored that much, reaching triple digits once over the past five weeks. However, Nick keeps largely winning, current two-game losing streak. Much like Sheik, who’s been one of the Smash franchise’s best characters since her Melee debut despite an overall lack of power and some strategic weaknesses. What’s kept Sheik at the top is her lightning quick attacks and great combo ability. But with every Sheik, there’s a Zelda, the slower alter-ego with nowhere near the offensive proficiency. While Nick has plenty of Sheik-like performances, he’s also had his fair share of Zelda games. If Gurley and Kelce aren’t up to their usual standards and Stafford keeps sucking, that could be Nick’s future. 

PLAYER 5: WINGS OF FREEDOM (8-5)

Goddamn, it feels good to be back in the playoffs. The Wings of Freedom’s season has honestly been kind of weird. Despite being dealt the 12th out of 12 pick in the draft, I managed to snag Leonard Fournette, who proceeded to pretty much miss the first nine weeks of the season. Incredibly, I’ve managed a better record without Fournette in the lineup, despite his huge games meaning I scored more. Cam Newton sometimes throws a shit ton of picks and forgets how to play football, but he’s been my key figure along with Michael Thomas, Aaron Donald, and the ‘̶8̶5̶ Bears defense. Up and down seasons from Larry Fitzgerald, Michael Crabtree, and Dion Lewis have me wondering who to start every week. I finished close to the bottom third in scoring, yet I won a lot pretty much stayed in the Top 5 all year. Similar to Sheik, Pikachu is not an offensive powerhouse, yet has always been a viable character due to its quickness and recovery ability (one of the best in all of Smash). That doesn’t mean Pikachu can’t bring the thunder (literally). But while there is some impressive power, there is a limit to that punch. Pikachu’s light weight means it can’t quite go toe-to-toe with some of the big boys. Considering how much my roster likes to do its best imitation of the NFC South’s “What the hell will happen this week?” factor, that full punch might not come to fruition, despite the best efforts of Fournette’s fists.

PLAYER 6: THE KRISPY KRITTERS (7-6)

No, Incineroar wasn’t chosen for the Krispy Kritters because he is a fire type feline (literally a crispy critter). However, the coincidence is hilarious. Anyway, Richard has been either red hot or ice cold all season, finishing in the 130-point range the same amount of times as he did in the 80-point range. Pretty much everyone on Richard’s roster aside from Melvin Gordon has been inconsistent. Ben Roethlisberger will drop 35 points (fuck you) against the Panthers but then only get 13 points against the Browns. DeAndre Hopkins, Allen Robinson, James White, Mark Ingram, and Luke Kuechly have largely been on/off all year. Richard’s hit-or-miss factor is an interesting parallel to one of Incineroar’s important moves: Alolan Whip. Incineroar’s side special sends his opponent into the ropes and back at him. Hit the B button with the correct timing to send them flying. Too early? An off-target hit. Too late? The opponent will actually damage Incineroar. It’s quite literally hit-or-miss, similar to Richard’s roster. Also, Incineroar is a wrestling heel and a total troll, just like Richard. However, there might be some consistency in the future. The Cowboys defense is getting better and better and Melvin Gordon might even be back this week. However, Dallas has only tallied double digits twice this season and injury reports are notoriously unreliable. Still, when Richard’s on his game, he can compete with anyone.

PLAYER 7: FOOTBALLDAMUS (7-6)

I have absolutely no idea what to make of Footballdamus, the ultimate “up and down” team. Riez began the year on a torrid pace, starting 2-0 and dropping 154 points in Week 1. That was followed by a four-game losing streak in which Riez didn’t reach triple digits and even finished with only 69 points one week. Riez seemingly had fallen back to Earth and was sliding out of playoff contention. Then, Riez ended the season winning five of seven, scoring over 100 points each time. He hasn’t usually been among the top scorers each week, but Riez is getting the job done. Riez’s squad has taken on three distinct forms during the season, and I’m not sure which is their true one. I have similar feelings about King K. Rool. The highly-requested Smash newcomer is certainly one of the more unique characters, with no one quite sure just how exactly he’ll play, even with footage. On one hand, he can do shit like this. On the other hand, slow and powerful characters have never fared to well in the competitive scene. King K. Rool will either be near top tier near bottom tier, with no room in between. Riez, with his question mark squad, will probably either crash and burn in the first round or win the whole damn thing, with little ground in between. That could depend on whether players like Alvin Kamara and Davante Adams can produce, and which hot hand Riez decides to ride: Russell Wilson or Philip Rivers.

PLAYER 8: THREE EYED RAVENS (6-7)

Hot damn, they made it in after all! Three Eyed Ravens looked like a shoe-in for the postseason when they started 4-2. Little did Ewing know, three of those four wins came against teams that wouldn’t make the playoffs. When he started playing real teams, Ewing went on a six-game losing streak, including back-to-back defeats by 60+ points. Suddenly needing to win to stay alive, Ewing got a favor from the schedule gods and defeated the two worst teams in the league to snag the final spot despite having the second-worst scoring roster all season. How will that lineup fare in the playoffs? Well, let’s look at Jigglypuff as a comparison. Originally put in Smash 64 as a joke, Jigglypuff ended up becoming a powerful character. Despite her extremely light weight and vulnerability, her multiple jumps and powerful rest attack made her a formidable foe, especially in Melee. However, much like Ewing, Jigglypuff began a terrible slide, becoming arguably the worst character in both Brawl and Smash 4. Also like Ewing, Jigglypuff appeared to reset herself and get buffed in Ultimate. Will that buff translate into being able to compete with the likes of Bayonetta, Cloud, and Snake? I think there’s a chance. Meanwhile, Ewing will have to rely on the likes of Saquon Barkley and Juju Smith-Schuster to hide holes in his roster, as well as Mike McCarthy’s firing being the buff Aaron Rodgers needs to return to form. 

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

• Dallas Cowboys 13-10 New Orleans Saints
• New York Giants 30-27 Chicago Bears
• Arizona Cardinals 20-17 Green Bay Packers
• Jacksonville Jaguars 6-0 Indianapolis Colts
• Houston Texans 29-13 Cleveland Browns
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24-17 Carolina Panthers
• Miami Dolphins 21-17 Buffalo Bills
• Denver Broncos 24-10 Cincinnati Bengals
• Baltimore Ravens 26-16 Atlanta Falcons
• Los Angeles Rams 30-16 Detroit Lions
• Kansas City Chiefs 40-33 Oakland Raiders 😦
• Tennessee Titans 26-22 New York Jets
• New England Patriots 24-10 Minnesota Vikings
• Seattle Seahawks 43-16 San Francisco 49ers
• Los Angeles Chargers 33-30 Pittsburgh Steelers
• Philadelphia Eagles 28-13 Washington Redskins
• Top Plays of the Week

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Big boy TD for the Bears. They really do think it’s 1985.
• Terrell Suggs goes tick, tick, boom.
• Johnny Hekker points to the camera mid-hold.
• ANOTHER big boy TD.
• A fan falls out of the stands trying to catch Andrew Luck’s incomplete pass.
• Ryan Succop puts a little too much oomph into practice kicks.
• The 49ers season in a nutshell.
• The Seahawks celebrate with a homage to the tip interception against the 49ers in 2013.
• Tom Brady knows.
• Brady FINALLY breaks the 1,000-yard rushing mark.
• Bill Belichick tells Adam Thielen to shut the fuck up.
• “Russell Okung, Wakanda Tech.”
• They’re creepy and they’re cooky. Mysterious and spooky. They’re altogether ooky. The Rivers Family.

GRASS IS GREENER COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• There weren’t too many games and everything we thought would happen happened, so let’s go to the court. During their basketball game against Stanford, Kansas introduced its new football coach, Les Miles, in the most Les Miles way possible: giving him a plate of grass. Oh, and he also handed out some Yeezys during the ceremony. In case you’re unfamiliar, Miles has a tradition of eating grass before/during games, which started because he used to play right field in baseball and got bored. Seriously. He says LSU’s Tiger Stadium has the best grass, but we’ll see if he can survive playing on the field turf of Memorial Stadium for half the season. Anyway, can the Mad Hatter actually lead the Jayhawks to relevance? We shall see. By the way, there are  schools with a national championship-winning head coach: Alabama, Clemson, Ohio State, Texas A&M, Kansas, and North Carolina. Les Miles in the Big XII and Mack Brown in the ACC. What a time to be alive. 

Weekly Raiders Rant

Oh, we lost to the Chiefs. Who could’ve seen that coming? I’ll just let this video speak for me about the Raiders this week. At least we didn’t get blown out.
By the way, thanks, Arizona! Now if San Francisco can get its shit together and win one more time, that’d be nice.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Larry Fitzgerald has 29 drops on 2,117 targets and 37 career tackles. He also needs a goddamn ring, already.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 6, 1992, arguably the greatest player in the history of football cemented himself as the best WR to ever live. With 8:56 left in the San Francisco 49ers’ rout of the Miami Dolphins, Jerry Rice snapped a 12-yard pass from Steve Young in the endzone. The grab was the 101st TD reception of Rice’s career, setting a new NFL record. Steve Largent had previously set the record of 100, which took him 14 seasons. Rice needed less than eight seasons to break that mark, which he would end up nearly doubling. With 197 TD receptions, Rice is head and shoulders above every other WR. In fact, the difference between Rice and 2nd place Randy Moss (156 receiving TDs) is the same as the difference between Moss and 7th place Larry Fitzgerald (115). In fact, Rice has more receiving scores than Tim Brown (100) Isaac Bruce (91) combined. All told, Rice holds more than 100 NFL records (HOLY SHIT!), including for catches, receiving yards, and total TDs, all by staggering amounts. The only player to dominate his respective sport like that was Wayne Gretzky, the universally regarded greatest hockey player ever who had more assists than any one else had goals AND assists. By the way, only ten players have ever scored 100 receiving TDs — Rice (197), Moss (156), Terrell Owens (153), Cris Carter (130), Marvin Harrison (128), Antonio Gates (116), Fitzgerald (115), Tony Gonzalez (111), Brown (100), and Largent (100). The nearest active players to the century mark are Brandon Marshall (83) (seriously) and Gronk (78). If he can stay healthy, Gronk has a good shot at becoming No. 11 and even passing Gates/Fitzgerald/Gonzalez. But he’s not catching Rice. No one ever will

.THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2017 — The White House officially recognized Jerusalem as Israel’s capital.
• 2006 — NASA reveals photographs taken by Mars Global Surveyor, suggesting the presence of liquid water on Mars.
• 1998 — Hugo Chávez is elected President of Venezuela.
• 1994 — The Greek Freak, Giannis Antetokounmpo, is born.
• 1992 — Heisman Trophy-winning QB and notable NFL bust Johnny Manziel is born.
• 1974 — Inaugural UFC Lightweight Champion Jens Pulver is born.
• 1973 — Gerald Ford is confirmed as Vice President.
• 1967 — Noted Hollywood director/producer Judd Apatow, whose work includes Freaks and Geeks, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Superbad, Step Brothers, Pineapple Express, and Bridesmaids, is born.
• 1967 — Adrian Kantrowitz performs the first human heart transplant in the U.S.
• 1955 — Honus Wagner, one of five members of baseball’s first ever HOF class and subject of one of the most expensive baseball cards of all time, dies. The other four members of that class were Ty Cobb (most votes), Babe Ruth, Christy Mathewson, and Walter Johnson.
• 1951 — Harold Ross, who co-founded The New Yorker magazine, dies.
• 1921 — HOF QB Otto Graham, who won three NFL championships and four AAFC titles with the Cleveland Browns, is born.
• 1920 — Iconic jazz musician and University of the Pacific graduate Dave Brubeck is born. He would later found the Brubeck Institute at Pacific in 2000. You’re welcome.
• 1917 — The Halifax Explosion kills nearly 2,000 people.
• 1917 — Finland declares independence from Soviet Russia.
• 1897 — London becomes the first city to host licensed taxicabs.
• 1889 — Jefferson, the only President of the Confederate States of America, dies.
• 1884 — The Washington Monument is completed.
• 1877 — The first edition of The Washington Post is published.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy National Microwave Oven Day! Fun fact: the act of microwaving food to heat it up was invented by accident. Self-taught engineer Percy Spencer was working on a radar in 1945 when he noticed a candy bar in his pocket had melted. He then deliberately tried to heat up popcorn and an egg, which exploded in his face. Raytheon filed a patent for Spencer’s eventual microwave design later that year, then built the first commercially available microwave oven (the “Radarange”) in 1947

. Now, people use it to heat up peeps and forks and cell phones and get views on YouTube.

I went on the internet…

… and I found this:

To promote its event on Saturday, the UFC let several of its fighters take part in a hilarious video where generic post-fight interview responses are used in post-sex scenarios. It’s a simple premise, yet incredibly funny. Check it out. 

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

QUARTERFINAL PREVIEW

(1) C’S CHAMPION TEAM VS. (8) THREE EYED RAVENS

C’s Champion Team was dominant from start to finish this regular season, scoring the second-most points in the league and being the only team to reach double digit wins this year. You guys remember what happened to the team that was dominant in the regular season and was the only one to win ten games last year? They were upset in the first round. So, how can Chriss avoid a repeat of this dubious fate? Well, the Kareem Hunt-sized hole in his lineup isn’t a good start. It seems Chriss made the wrong Chiefs RB pick for a replacement, but maybe Damien Williams turns it up this week and another backup RB (Justin Jackson [no not that one]) has another good game. Drew Brees probably won’t be terrible for a second straight week and OBJ and looks primed for another big day. The Texans defense could also do well, depending on if the Colts offense plays like they did last week. However, Tyler Lockett, Zach Ertz, and Robert Woods are all facing tough defenses. Three Eyed Ravens should get big games from Juju Smith-Schuster and Saquon Barkley, but the key is Aaron Rodgers. If Mike McCarthy’s firing re-unlocks Rodgers’ potential, Ewing could more than survive a potentially disastrous scenario where only the Broncos defense or George Kittle could do well. Consider this: Chriss had a down week last week and scored 114 points. Ewing has only topped that total twice all season.

(4) DIXIE NORMOUS VS. (5) WINGS OF FREEDOM

Two relatively low-scoring teams each entering the playoffs on a two-game slide. How the hell did Dixie Normous and Wings of Freedom finish in the Top 5 again? Anyway, if you can believe it, this is the matchup predicted by Yahoo! to generate the most points (as of this writing). Nick is betting a big part of his farm on the Detroit Lions, with Matt Stafford, Kenny Golladay, and Theo Riddick taking on the Cardinals. Considering Arizona just beat the Packers and the Lions are the biggest WTF team in the league, it’s a good thing Nick has guys like Travis Kelce, Stefon Diggs, and Demaryius Thomas to fall back on. Meanwhile, it’s time for this week’s edition of “How the hell will Cam Newton do?”. He’s playing the Browns, so… good? I never know. Thankfully I have Leonard Fournette back. I’ve got to hope Michael Thomas returns to form and Larry Fitzgerald and Dion Lewis don’t shit the bed again. This matchup will come down to two games. There’s the big Sunday Night showdown between the Rams and Bears. Nick has Todd Gurley, who, you know, is Todd Gurley. I’ve got the Chicago defense trying to stop him, as well as Tarik Cohen and Aaron Donald. The other game is Steelers-Raiders. Jon Bostic is projected to put up the third-most points on Nick’s roster. Meanwhile, I need my new secret weapon, Jaylen Samuels, to come in clutch with James Conner out. Knowing my luck, he won’t. 

(3) THE HEAVY HITTERS VS. (6) THE KRISPY KRITTERS

Scoring at a league-high rate, not many teams are able to keep up with the Heavy Hitters. When they have their shit together, the Krispy Kritters are one of the few that can. Some things need to break Richard’s way to do so this week. For example, Melvin Gordon. If he can play, Gordon gets to face the awful Bengals defense. That could cap off a scoring barrage from the likes of Ben Roethlisberger facing the Raiders, Mark Ingram against the Buccaneers, and DeAndre Hopkins taking on the Colts. Allen Robinson, James White, and Jimmy Graham will need to step up, but they’re also facing questionable defenses. Speaking of defense, if the Cowboys can slow the Eagles’ roll, Richard might be in good shape. He’ll need to be to catch Kyle’s pace. The key, as ever, is Pat Mahomes. He and Spencer Ware are facing the Ravens, whose defense is rounding into form. Any unexpected poor results could open the door for Richard. That is, if the likes of Ezekiel Elliott, Joe Mixon, and Mike Evans aren’t up to form. Man, that’s a loaded roster. But, it’s not as loaded as it could be — Emmanuel Sanders tore his Achilles in practice yesterday. It’s like Kyle can’t escape the Arsenal curse with all of these injuries. Who can Kyle get to replace him? Oh, Josh Gordon. That’s on top of the Seahawks defense and Bobby Wagner in a critical (but potentially fruitful) showdown with the Vikings. Goddamn, man.

(2) 49ERS VS. (7) FOOTBALLDAMUS

No team is entering the playoffs on a hotter streak than the 49ers, who I’m sure Gee wishes could replace the real 49ers at this point. Winner of seven of his past eight games, Gee has only dropped fewer than 120 points three times in that span. Gee may likely pass that mark again, considering Tyreek Hill and Nick Chubb are scorching right now and the Titans defense is facing a Cody Kessler-led offense. The Patriots do not have Kessler, but Tom Brady, and are getting ready for their biannual teabagging of the Dolphins. But strange things happen in Miami, so Gee shouldn’t count his chickens just yet. Maybe Trey Burton will actually give him something to count this week, or else Sony Michel and Calvin Ridley will have to step up big time, especially with James Conner injured. As for Footballdamus, Russell Wilson and Alvin Kamara have done most of the heavy lifting and should do more good work this week. Lamar Miller has been on a roll recently and is taking on a hot-and-cold Colts defense. Brandin Cooks and Davante Adams are facing tougher defenses, but Adams might be another beneficiary of Mike McCarthy’s firing. The Chiefs defense let the goddamn Raiders score 33 points on them, but the Ravens offense has been anemic. It’s the battle of the stoppable force and the movable object. Whoever wins could play a big role in whether or not Riez has a legit shot at the upset.

ONE LAST THING

With 75 characters (including DLC), there are plenty of options to make sure the four teams that fell short of the postseason are included as well.

PLAYER 9: WILD HOGS (5-8)

It’s not every year that Wild Hogs fails to make the playoffs. But this season wasn’t like most others. Hindsight being 20/20, maybe it wasn’t the smartest idea to put all of his eggs in the Atlanta Falcons basket. If the Dirty Birds had set the NFL on fire like they did two years ago, that might’ve worked. But these Falcons played well below their expectations, dragging Jimmy down with them. Sometimes they wouldn’t suck and Jimmy would score 138 points like he did against Wings of Freedom two weeks ago (fucker) or 150 points in Week 4. Then, they would be bad again and Jimmy would end up with 78 points, like he did in Week 5. That came against Three Eyed Ravens in what turned out to be a crucial loss. Jimmy usually kills it in fantasy football, much like Fox, perhaps the most popular character in Smash. Fox was dominant in the early days of the franchise, being the only “SS” Tier character in Melee and widely considered the be the game’s best character. However, in later releases, Fox has been nerfed and is nowhere near what he once was. Occasionally his shine, laser, and powerful up-smash can still cause plenty of pain. However, he’s a shell of his old self. Jimmy has been slipping in recent years as well. Thanks to C’s Champion Team, he missed the postseason altogether. This stretch of failure has caused him to abandon the “Wild Hogs” name starting next year. It’s truly the end of an era.

PLAYER 10: FRED SANFORD (DUMMY) (5-8)

The first new character introduced in Brawl, Meta Knight would go on to become the most dominant character in any Smash game. Boasting numerous attack options and unparalleled movement and recovery, Meta Knight cleaned up in the competitive scene so much that he was outright banned at certain tournaments and is ranked in the “SS” Tier, with every voter putting him in the top spot. Not even Melee Fox or Smash 4 Bayonetta ever achieved that. In the games which have followed, Meta Knight has been given massive nerfs. While he’s still a decent character, he’s nowhere near the legend he once was. In a similar vein, Fred Sanford (Dummy) did something almost impossible: win back-to-back Epic Bowls. Earning a fantasy football championship is hard enough. But two in a row? Insane. However, the fight for a three-peat never really got going. Brian started 0-4 and couldn’t recover. His reliance on Buffalo finally bit him in the ass, with LeSean McCoy, Kelvin Benjamin, Nathan Peterman, and the Bills defense all disappointing him. Good players like Christian McCaffrey, Kirk Cousins, and Adam Thielen couldn’t carry the load themselves. Nevertheless, Brian was still technically alive going into the final week of the regular season, mostly due to other teams being bad. Still, the champ held onto his title for as long as he could. That’s something to be commended, even if he sucks.

PLAYER 11: GREATER FOOLS (4-9)

In the ancient days of Smash, Kirby was one of the best characters in the game, with great moves and even better recovery. However, since Melee was released, Kirby has found a seemingly permanent home at the bottom of the tier list. While it’s recovery is still strong, Kirby is both one of the lightest and offensively-challenged characters in the game, with awful grabs thrown in. Speaking of terrible offense, Greater Fools had the ignominious honor of being the lowest-scoring team this season, finishing with fewer than 80 points THREE times and being the only team to lose to Jop Suey!!! all year. Spending four of their first six picks on Jimmy G, Derrick “Travis” Henry, Marshawn Lynch, and Doug Baldwin will do that to you. Now, Dad tried to make some smooth moves to pump up his scoring, making 30 transactions on the season (second-most in the league). However, as evidenced above, few of those moves actually worked out. Much like Kriby’s ability to swallow an opponent and gain the power to use one of its moves, the end result is simply a cheap copy of what you were trying to create. In the ancient days of fantasy football, Dad was apparently a great player. Hell, he actually played semi-pro football. But now, it seems he’s well past his prime. Plus, Dad failed (once again) to defeat me this season, which honestly is the least surprising thing that went wrong for him this year. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

PLAYER 12: JOP SUEY!!! (1-12)

Where do we begin? Coming off a slim loss in last year’s Epic Bowl, Jop Suey!!! looked primed for another deep run when they got the 2nd overall pick in this year’s draft. With picks such as David Johnson, Gronk, Deshaun Watson, T.Y. Hilton, and the Rams defense (and the third-best Yahoo! draft grade), it seemed like the playoffs were in the future. That did not happen, not by a long shot. Instead, Taylor experienced a near-perfect storm of fantasy football hell. Most of Taylor’s roster fell short of expectations, finishing in the bottom third of scoring. Whenever his guys did score a lot, Taylor just happened to be playing a hot team that week. Case in point: no one had more points scored against them than Taylor. In the Smash world, no one has quite the mix of terrible offense and defense like Pichu. While it’s incredibly quick and agile, Pichu has little power and is the lightest fighter on the roster, making it perfect cannon fodder. There’s another awful fact about Pichu: any electrical attack it uses actually causes damage to itself in the process. That alone makes Pichu the worst character in my opinion. Taylor, meanwhile, might’ve not started 0-10 and won only one game all year had he not hurt his own chances. For example: a one-point loss to C’s Champion Team in which Taylor’s starting TE (Gronk) was a on bye week. Horrible results, luck, and decision-making. 2019 can’t come soon enough for Taylor. 

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness