There’s this comedian/YouTube personality I follow named Vic Dibitetto. He’s got a classic New York accent and an East Coast style about his work, often hilariously ranting on a number of topics. He’s also a huge sports fan, particularly the Giants and yankees, and has an ongoing series where he pretends to be the teams’ coach and yells after a particularly bad game. I enjoy the baseball ones because I like to see yankees fans suffer, but the Giants videos are funny as well. There’s one from after their loss to the 49ers last season that has a quote which perfectly describes this past weekend in the NFL and fantasy football.
I mean, this season has been pretty weird so far, but what the actual fuck happened? There were like five unbelievable things that happened this past week. Let’s not forget Derrick Henry of all people having a legendary night against the Jaguars, including just the second 99-yard TD run in NFL history. I’m sure Dad won’t, anyway. Then, Sunday saw the two teams with the worst records in the league score upset wins over playoff contenders, with the 49ers topping the Broncos behind a nearly record-setting performance by George Kittle and the Raiders beating the Steelers because Chris Boswell slipped on the game-tying kick (more on that later). Meanwhile, the Cowboys got past the Eagles on an overtime TD pass that ricocheted off Rasul Douglas and into Amari Cooper’s arms.
The real gem was, of course, the Dolphins’ incredible last-second upset of the Patriots. Some weird shit happens to New England down in Miami (remember the Night that Courage Wore Orange?). But this one topped them all. Dubbed the Miracle in Miami, the Dolphins converted a 69-yard TD with seven seconds left to score a shocking 34-34 win. The play was the first multi-lateral TD since 2003 (the River City Relay), featured Gronk at FS, and saw the Patriots lose. All fantastic things. In fact, the word “miracle” perfectly encapsulates the play and the past NFL week in general.
As for its impact on the fantasy playoffs…
QUARTERFINAL RECAP
(8) THREE EYED RAVENS DEF. (1) C’S CHAMPION TEAM
126.84 – 71.14
Down goes No. 1! Down goes No. 1! For the second straight season, the top seed in the playoffs has been upset in the first round! This wasn’t just a close contest, either. Three Eyed Ravens straight up blew C’s Champion Team the fuck out. It was the exact opposite of what happened three weeks ago, when Chriss (the second-highest scoring team) dominated Ewing (the second-worst scoring team). In fact, Chriss picked the worst possible time to have his lowest scoring output all season. For perspective: Drew Brees (14 points) did worse than Damien Williams (15 points). They were the only players that finished in double digits for Chriss. The likes of Tyler Lockett, Mohamed Sanu, Zach Ertz, Robert Woods, and the Texans defense gave him absolute shit. Meanwhile, guys like George Kittle (27 points), Saquon Barkley (25 points), Juju Smith-Schuster (25 points), and Aaron Rodgers (20 points) absolutely went off this week. Every single one of them was on Ewing’s roster. It didn’t matter that Chris Godwin, Tyler Boyd, and the Broncos defense didn’t do anything. When you have that kind of firepower in your lineup, you’re not gonna lose. The irony is that this is all Chriss’ fault. Had he not beaten Jimmy last week, Ewing would’ve missed the playoffs. Instead, he was on the bad end of the upset of the season. Also, if you thought I wasn’t gonna mention the Miracle on Ice, you’re wrong.
(5) WINGS OF FREEDOM DEF. (4) DIXIE NORMOUS
89.80 – 78.10
Because of my inhumane graveyard schedule, I usually go to bed around 1:30 p.m. on Sundays. Yeah, you read that right. I stream the early games on my laptop and catch the start of the late games, then find out what else happened when I wake up. I did not fall to sleep with high hopes last weekend. Cam Newton had an awful day against the goddamn Browns, which seemingly killed any chances of a high score after Leonard Fournette sucked on Thursday. Wings of Freedom had a disappointingly low ceiling and Dixie Normous was going to win big. This was my face when I checked my phone after I awoke to see that not only was I still in the lead, but also more than likely gonna beat Nick by double digits. What happened was the Bears shut down the Rams so thoroughly that the Chicago defense (20 points) scored what everyone thought Todd Gurley would end up with, and vice versa. Nick had a semifinal berth on a platter and choked hard. Kenny Golladay and Jon Bostic each got goose eggs and Stefon Diggs couldn’t make up the difference on Monday Night (another nervous wake-up, by the way). I have absolutely no fucking clue how I won this game, but I’ll take it! By the way, the funniest thing about the Miracle in Miami is that I have Kenyan Drake in one of my work leagues. Had he not scored that amazing TD, I would’ve lost the game for sure. It was truly a week of miracles.
(3) THE HEAVY HITTERS DEF. (6) THE KRISPY KRITTERS
134.88 – 74.78
For those of you who are asking questions like “What the hell is this a picture of?” and “Ruben, why the fuck are you putting soccer in the newsletter again?”, let me educate you on some major sports history. England entered the 1950 World Cup as the unquestioned best team in the world. In the group stages, they faced the U.S., which kinda sucked (as it does today). Everyone thought England would dominate so much that when the final score got back across the pond, the British press though the score had a typo and changed it to 10-1 England. In actuality, the U.S. had pulled off a 1-0 upset (referred to as the Miracle Match or the Miracle on Grass), one of the biggest soccer has ever seen. What does that have to do with this particular matchup? Well, this was what that game would’ve looked like had England actually won 10-1. The Heavy Hitters showcased their top-scoring offense once again, with the RBs (Joe Mixon and Ezekiel Elliott) scoring 19 points each and the likes Pat Mahomes (21 points), Michael Badgley (17 points), and Spencer Ware (13 points) doing their thing. Meanwhile, the Krispy Kritters couldn’t get anything going. Apart from Ben Roethlisberger (19 points) and Luke Kuechly (14 points), Richard didn’t get any big production from his lineup. In the end, this one was never in doubt, as Kyle kept his freight train from hell on track and rolled straight into the semifinals.
(2) 49ERS DEF. (7) FOOTBALLDAMUS
99.42 – 68.38
Oh wow, the 49ers made the semifinals. Shocker. Eight years into the Epic League, Gee has only failed to make the Final Four once. This year is no exception, even though Gee didn’t put together a usual dominant performance. Yes, Tom Brady (26 points) balled out despite the clusterfuck ending in Miami and both Tyreek Hill and Nick Chubb (14 points each) kicked ass as well. However, key contributors like Sony Michel, Trey Burton, and Calvin Ridley failed expectations greatly. Still, enough other spots on the roster were solid and gave Gee a nice, albeit beatable, score. Fortunately for him, Footballdamus completely shit the bed. Davante Adams (14 points), Lamar Miller (11 points), and Alvin Kamara (ten points) were Riez’s only players to finish in double digits. All three finished with fewer points than Gee’s third-highest scoring player (Chubb). Russell Wilson, Brandin Cooks, Ka’imi Fairbairn, Jamal Adams, and the Chiefs defense all performed terribly, killing any chance Riez had to win. It also didn’t help that Jonnu Smith got hurt and is now out for the season. Like Chriss, Riez picked a hell of a time to have his lowest scoring output of the season. It’s kind of like the Minneapolis Miracle. Sure, Case Keenum made the throw and Stefon Diggs did his thing. But it was Marshon Lattimore’s whiff that allowed the play to end the way it did. Still, I’m sure Gee, much like Vikings fans, doesn’t mind.
HIGHLIGHTS
GAME HIGHLIGHTS:
- Tennessee Titans 30-9 Jacksonville Jaguars
- Cleveland Browns 26-20 Carolina Panthers
- Kansas City Chiefs 27-24 Baltimore Ravens
- Indianapolis Colts 24-21 Houston Texans
- Miami Dolphins 34-33 New England Patriots
- New York Giants 40-16 Washington Redskins
- New Orleans Saints 28-14 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
- Green Bay Packers 34-20 Atlanta Falcons
- New York Jets 27-23 Buffalo Bills
- Los Angeles Chargers 26-21 Cincinnati Bengals
- San Francisco 49ers 20-14 Denver Broncos
- Dallas Cowboys 29-23 Philadelphia Eagles
- Oakland Raiders 24-21 Pittsburgh Steelers 🙂
- Detroit Lions 17-3 Arizona Cardinals
- Chicago Bears 15-6 Los Angeles Rams
- Seattle Seahawks 21-7 Minnesota Vikings
- Top Plays of the Week
OTHER SHENANIGANS:
- The Jaguars have to get that bread.
- Taylor Lewan flips off the skycam.
- Jalen Ramsey goes for the Oscar.
- The sweet sound of victory. WTF is this, the Taylor Lewan party?
- Camera guy eats shit after a Dolphins TD.
- The Browns to the campfire celebration.
- Santa is on the “funky” list.
- The Giants somehow get this extra point through the uprights.
- Great one-handed catch on the sidelines on the Bengals-Chargers celebration.
- Akiem Hicks is so happy he’s growling.
- What the actual fuck is this Russell Wilson animation?
- The Grinch checking in for MNF.
- Punk is not dead in Seattle
WAITING FOREVER COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:
- There was only one CFB game this past weekend: Army-Navy. Thankfully, we got something memorable, for better or worse. Leading 10-0 to start the 4th Quarter, Army decided to go for it on 4th and 2, with QB Kelvin Hopkins Jr. scrambling to his right. The Navy defense stopped him right at the 1st down line, but it was clearly close enough to review. Here’s the problem: the chain gang had already moved the markers before the call to go to the booth. As a result, the referees first had to check the replays to determine where the markers were before they were moved, then bring them out to measure whether or not the Black Knights had gotten across the line. It was a complete clusterfuck that took nine minutes in real time. In the end, the refs ruled that Hopkins was short of the line to gain and gave the ball to the Midshipmen. Naturally, Navy turned the ball over on the ensuing drive. Army ended up winning 17-10, their third victory in a row. They have a few years before they catch Navy’s 14-win streak, which was just broken in 2016.
Weekly Raiders Rant
So… who saw this coming? I want to be mad about the potentially lost draft position, especially since the 49ers won as well. But come on, how often do you take down a Super Bowl contender thanks to their K eating shit and shanking a game-tying field goal at the last second? Only three teams can hope to compare with the hate I have for our AFC West rivals: the Patriots (duh), the Cowboys (as any good American should), and the Steelers. I can’t believe I had a soft spot for these fucks back in the day. These arrogant assholes think they’re so superior to everyone else despite having a toxic culture combined with some of the stupidest, dick-headed drama and players in the NFL. They’re talented as all hell, but constantly underachieve. As a fan of a team that struggles to win games, fuck you for wasting all of that talent.
So, it makes me happy to see stats like this…
In fact, the Steelers haven’t won in Oakland since 1995. The Black Hole has been their kryptonite and I have no idea why. What’s more, all four of those Big Ben losses have been memorable. There was Terrelle Pryor’s 93-yard TD run on the first play of the game in 2013, SeaBass’ walk-off FG the year before, and Chris Carr’s 100-yard pick six in 2006. I also have several Steelers fan friends who were not exactly thrilled with how this one ended. I have nine words for them: ha ha ha ha ha… ha ha ha ha.
If this loss ends up screwing Captain Fat Fuck and the Steelers out of a first round bye or even the playoffs altogether, it’s worth the draft position slide. It’s not like we’re gonna not fuck up our draft picks anyway.
STAT OF THE WEEK
Imagine having Derrick Henry for the whole season and not making the playoffs partly because of his lackluster results. Then, he has a historic rushing performance the very week after your season ends. Also, imagine you kept calling him Travis Henry every time you mentioned him to your son. I’d be pretty pissed if I happened to find myself in that situation. What about you, Dad?
#ThrowbackThursday
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On December 13, 1998, the first ever Purple Bowl turned out to be a batshit crazy game with multiple NFL records set. The 1st quarter of the first meeting between the Minnesota Vikings and Baltimore Ravens had to see to be believed. After a Gary Anderson FG made it 3-0 Vikings, Corey Harris took the ensuing kickoff back for a Ravens TD. A few drives later, Minnesota kicked off after another FG. Baltimore returned this one too, with Patrick Johnson doing the honors this time. The ensuing Matt Stover kickoff was a little short, and David Palmer took advantage, giving Minnesota their own special teams TD. This game set an NFL record for most kickoffs returned for a TD, and all three took place during the opening frame. Absolutely insane. However, the night belonged to Anderson, who made all six of his FGs in a 38-28 Vikings win. In the process, he broke the NFL record for most consecutive FGs converted (which, of course, now belongs to Adam Vinatieri [44]). In fact, Anderson made every FG and extra point that year, becoming the first (and only) player ever to so. However, Anderson famously had his first miss during the NFC Championship game, which the 15-1 Vikings lost 30-27 in OT to the Atlanta Falcons and as a result were catapulted into the “best teams that didn’t reach the Super Bowl” category. By the way, this was the only season in NFL history where three teams (Minnesota, Atlanta, Denver) went 14-2 or better. Before 1998, no team had gone 14-2 since 1992 (San Francisco)
. One last interesting fact: the starting QB for the Ravens in their game against the Vikings (and for most of the season)? Jim Harbaugh. Don’t believe me? Check the tape… and check out those graphics. We’ve come a long way.
THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:
- 2006 — Lamar Hunt, former owner of the Kansas City Chiefs and founder of both the AFL and MLS, dies.
- 1989 — Taylor Swift, one of the most popular artists and bitter ex-girlfriends across the globe, is born.
- 1983 — The Detroit Pistons beat the Denver Nuggets 186-184 in the highest-scoring game in NBA history.
- 1978 — Former UFC Lightweight and Welterweight Champion B.J. Penn is born.
- 1967 — Award-winning actor Jamie Foxx is born.
- 1966 — Popular sportscaster Mike Tirico is born.
- 1962 — Former NFL coaches Rex and Rob Ryan are born.
- 1960 — HOF DE Richard Dent, MVP of Super Bowl XX, is born.
- 1957 — Renowned actor Steve Buscemi is born. Shut the fuck up, Donny.
- 1937 — The Chinese city of Nanjing falls to the Japanese in the Second Sin-Japanese War. What follows is one of the most horrific events ever committed by humanity: the Rape of Nanjing.
- 1925 — Iconic entertainer Dick Van Dyke is born.
- 1769 — Dartmouth College is founded.
- 1636 — The Massachusetts Bay Colony organizes three militia regiments to defend against the Pequot Indians. This is recognized as the founding of the National Guard.
- 1466 — Renowned Renaissance sculptor Donatello, inspiration for one of the names of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, dies.
Happy [fill in the blank] Day!
Happy National Violin Day! If you’ve never heard of the lady above, holy shit you’re in for a treat. Her name is Lindsey Stirling, and she can play the violin better than everyone. She writes her own pieces (mixed with dubstep) and does creative collabs with other artist. She’s also bad fucking ass. I saw her show at the Golden 1 Center and it was Top 5 concerts I’ve ever been to material. This video is the one my heavy/death metal-loving roommate showed me that got me hooked. Yes, she’s the one artist we both like who isn’t at least hard rock. Idk, man. It works. Also, she was going to be the theme before Stephen Hillenburg died and I switched it Spongebob. I’m glad I got her in one of these newsletters somehow!
I went on the internet…
… and I found this:
Behold: the greatest hockey blooper of all time. It has a trio of tried and true classics: a nut shot, a goal, and referee suffering. I defy you to find something funnier than this in the context of a hockey game. Besides the Penguins losing, I mean. Man, shitting on Pittsburgh feels nice.
DUES TALLY
Ruben: $40
Brian: $40
Tyler E: $40
Dad: $40
Kyle: $40
Jimmy: $40
Chriss: $40
Richard: $40
Tyler G: $40
Taylor: $0
Nick: $0
Riez: $0
SEMIFINAL PREVIEW
(8) THREE EYED RAVENS VS. (5) WINGS OF FREEDOM
The team that probably shouldn’t have qualified for the playoffs against the team that probably shouldn’t have advanced to the semifinals. It’s quite the backdrop for another grudge match between Three Eyed Ravens and Wings of Freedom. Our Week 9 showdown ended heavily in my favor. However, the way we’ve both been playing, the score may likely flip around in Ewing’s favor. Ewing has reached triple digits in his past three games and hit a season-high 126 points last week. Aaron Rodgers got off to a good start to the post-McCarthy era, but is playing the daunting Bears defense. Please oh please, Chicago, whoop his ass. But even if Rodgers falls short, Ewing has the Quadfather, Saquon Barkley, to back him up. Juju Smith-Schuster and George Kittle probably won’t dominate like they did last week, but they should still perform well. Meanwhile, the Broncos defense and Tyler Boyd are playing weaker opponents, so they’ll probably do better. As for my guys, a lot of them are gonna have to get their shit together. Leonard Fournette must return to form after whatever the hell last week was, while Larry Fitzgerald, Aaron Donald, and Tarik Cohen need to come through. If the game comes down to Monday Night, Cam Newton, Michael Thomas, and Will Lutz would be my last shot to win. With the way they’ve been playing lately, I would not be confident in the slightest.
(3) THE HEAVY HITTERS VS. (2) 49ERS
This image is from the 1982 Hong Kong martial arts fantasy comedy film The Miracle Fighters. It’s kind of hard to find usable pics for “miracle” without repeating yourself, okay? Shut up. Anyway, this is the matchup some might consider the “real” championship. With C’s Champion Team out of the way, the Heavy Hitters and 49ers are the two favorites to win it all. Both Kyle and Gee have loaded rosters, but one has a couple of major potential issues to face. For Gee, Tyreek Hill and James Conner are both questionable for this week. While Hill is still likely to play, Conner could miss another week or two. Should Conner sit out again, Sony Michel would likely go back in the lineup. Gee has gotten tired of Calvin Ridley and Trey Burton’s shit and swapped them out for Alshon Jeffery and Vance McDonald, respectively. With all of the uncertainty on his roster, Gee will likely rely on Tom Brady and the Jaguars defense, both facing vulnerable defenses. As for Kyle, there’s no uncertainty with his lineup. A RB corps of Joe Mixon and Ezekiel Elliott and the flame-throwing Pat Mahomes serve as a foundation anyone would kill to have. Throw in the likes of Mike Evans, Josh Gordon, and Eric Ebron playing well and a Seattle trio of Chris Carson, Bobby Wagner, and the Seahawks defense eager to feast on the 49ers, and Kyle should be set for another high-scoring week. If Gee follows suit, this will be a shootout.
ONE LAST THING
This game is so goddamn awesome!
0919-2843-1590.
Come catch these hands.
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner
Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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