Ruben's Writings

Y’all know how much I love holiday-themed newsletters. With Christmas right around the corner, seems like the perfect excuse to queue one up!

Today marks 72 years since the premiere of not only one of the greatest holiday movies ever, but one of the greatest films of all time: It’s a Wonderful Life. George and Clarence and Mary and Harry all made their big screen debuts in 1946, etching their names into American history. 

If you haven’t seen it yet, you’re either lying, mistaken, or a goddamn jackal. It’s an amazing timeless classic and I’ll probably rewatch some part of it today. Also, at this point one of our finalists has the roster equivalent of Mr. Potter’s finances, while the other has George Bailey’s. It’ll make sense.

(cue theme music)

SEMIFINAL RECAP

(5) WINGS OF FREEDOM DEF. (8) THREE EYED RAVENS

78.74 – 61.86

I asked this last week and I’m asking it again now: how the fuck did I win this game? The Wings of Freedom lineup as a whole decided now would be the perfect time to shit the bed and put up its lowest points total all season. The chief architect: Cam Newton. Jesus, Cam… how badly hurt is your shoulder? FIVE fucking points? And now the Panthers are shutting him down for the season, leaving me with a gaping hole in the most important position. Still, it’s not like he was my only problem. Only two players finished in double digits for me, with secret agent Jaylen Samuels putting up the highest with 17 points. Apparently Three Eyed Ravens saw me, said “Pfft, amateur!”, and showed how it’s really done with their own season-low ineptitude. While Aaron Rodgers got much more than five points, he didn’t score a TD (thank you, Bears defense). Ewing’s other key contributors last week — Juju Smith-Schuster, Saquon Barkley, George Kittle — followed up their 25+ point efforts with only five each this week. Chriss is probably really pissed off right now. No one else stepped up, with Chris Godwin and Ewing’s boy Terrell Suggs putting up goose eggs. As a result, the trophy will finally leave the Ewing household. If we’re honest, no one really deserved to win this semifinal. But, I’ll take the payout that comes with a guaranteed Top 2 finish. Now, who do I have to hope royally fucks up next? 

(3) THE HEAVY HITTERS DEF. (2) 49ERS

107.42 – 78.06

Oh, just the highest scoring team in the league looking like the only one without his head up his ass these playoffs. Fan fucking tastic. While Ezekiel Elliott had one of his worst games of the year (and still got 11 points), the Heavy Hitters happens to have Joe Mixon and Chris Carson, who finished with 25 and 20 points, respectively. Pat Mahomes also had an “off day” with 18 points, more than anyone on my roster. Mike Evans threw Kyle 13 points as well, because why the hell not? It was all more than enough to make up for poor days from Josh Gordon, Eric Ebron, and the Seahawks defense. Meanwhile, while there were plenty of sparks in the 49ers lineup, there was not much fire. Four roster spots might’ve finished in double digits, but the best (Tom Brady) only managed 14 points. Pretty much everyone apart from Nick Chubb was a disappointment, with Tyreek Hill, Calvin Ridley, Sony Michel, and Kenyan Drake doing particularly poorly. Alshon Jeffery’s 16 points might’ve been wasted on the bench, but it wouldn’t have made a difference in the end (unlike James Conner’s injury). As Gee looks to re-evaluate his front office staff in the offseason (and maybe even the 49ers name istelf), the Tyler Bowl II winner will take home 3rd place and their money back. As for Kyle, he appears to be freight-train-from-helling to an inevitable championship win. God help us all (me in particular). 

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

• Los Angeles Chargers 29-28 Kansas City Chiefs
• Houston Texans 29-22 New York Jets
• Cleveland Browns 17-16 Denver Broncos
• Atlanta Falcons 40-14 Arizona Cardinals
• Cincinnati Bengals 30-16 Oakland Raiders 😦
• Minnesota Vikings 41-17 Miami Dolphins
• Indianapolis Colts 23-0 Dallas Cowboys
• Baltimore Ravens 20-12 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
• Buffalo Bills 14-13 Detroit Lions
• Chicago Bears 24-17 Green Bay Packers
• Washington Redskins 16-13 Jacksonville Jaguars
• Tennessee Titans 17-0 New York Giants
• San Francisco 49ers 26-23 Seattle Seahawls
• Pittsburgh Steelers 17-10 New England Patriots
• Philadelphia Eagles 30-23 Los Angeles Rams
• New Orleans Saints 12-9 Carolina Panthers
• Top Plays of the Week

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Terry Bradshaw’s been drinking.
• The emotions of football.
• Khalil Mack sacks Aaron Rodgers with his back.
• What a majestic beast!
• This doll is why the Bengals beat the Raiders.
• Jerry Hughes’ helmet somehow gets stuck to Tremaine Edwards’ back. I had no idea that was even possible.
• The Titans pull off the Remember the Titans routine. Celebration of the year for me.
• This special teams play is porn to Bill Belichick.
• NBC goes the Fresh Prince route with the SNF intro.
• Sean McVay cannot believe what he just saw.
• Steve Young’s still got it.
• “What the fuck, man?“

NIGHT RUNNER COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• Bowl season is underway! One of the first games saw Utah State claim the New Mexico Bowl with a 52-13 rout over North Texas. But the biggest (no pun intended) player in that matchup wasn’t at Dreamstyle Stadium (what a name!). Rather, he was at home in Logan, Utah watching his team win. Aggies assistant equipment manager and superfan Steve Wiley has been with the team since 1995, volunteering his time and personal vehicles to help move Utah State’s gear for road games. In that span, he’s driven about 150,000 miles on over 100 different road trips across time in four different conferences. Utah State tried to give him money for his efforts, but he turned it right back into the athletic department. They eventually gave him an official position a few years ago, and he’s become both a beloved member of the squad and a recognizable Aggie figure. I mean that last point literally. Look at this absolute unit. He looks like a cross between a biker, Santa Claus, and a warlock. Anyway, Wiley hadn’t missed a game since 1995 and already planned to retire at the end of this season. However, Wiley had a bizarre medical scare during the team’s road trip to Hawaii last month that almost cost him his life. He’s been out of the hospital recently but can’t go with the team anymore. But, they made sure what would’ve been Wiley’s last game on the sidelines was a memorable one. ESPN did a really great piece on Wiley that’s worth the trouble to read. Anyway, congrats to the Aggies for their bowl game win and to their Night Runner on a memorable journey. 

Weekly Raiders Rant

Well, we lost to Jeff fucking Driskel and the Cincinnati Bengals a week after beating Ben Roethlisberger (and Josh Dobbs) and the Pittsburgh Steelers. I’d call this team weird, but I think the term “depressingly unpredictable” better applies. Driskel joins the elite list of QBs to earn a win against the 2018 Raiders, a list that includes Lamar Jackson and Nick Mullens. Truly an illustrious club. It’s only missing the legendary Nathan Peterman.

Oh god fucking damn it. Because there wasn’t enough roast material on the Raiders already.

Speaking of Mullens, at least his 49ers won to basically clinch a Top 2 draft pick for Oakland. Too bad the Cardinals suck ass and likely won’t beat either the Rams or Seahawks. Hopefully they for some reason pass on Nick Bosa. Oh, the Cowboys lost as well! For once, it seems the Raiders’ draft stock as a whole is improving.

Now then, what about the pick we got from Chicago…

STAT OF THE WEEK

And he sat out multiple games. FML.

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 20, 1980, the Miami Dolphins hosted the New York Jets in one of the weirdest games in NFL history. But, it had nothing to do with what happened on the field. NBC was contractually obligated to show that game on national TV, despite the 8-7 Dolphins and 3-12 Jets both being out of playoff contention. To boost ratings for a game that otherwise would’ve flopped, they decided to conduct an experiment. Specifically, they tried out an idea NBC executive Don Ohlmeyer had been cooking up for a while. Believing TV announcers were sometimes overly chatty and didn’t let the game flow, Ohlmeyer mandated that the game would be broadcast without any announcers at all, save for Byant Gumbel doing an introduction and providing brief updates after commercial breaks. To replace the announcers, NBC used more on-screen graphics, put more mics in the stadium, and asked the PA guy to make more informative alerts than they normally would. In front of a decent crowd but with no voices behind them, the Dolphins and Jets squared off in what would end up being a 24-17 New York upset win. You can watch the full broadcast here and judge for yourself how it went. At the time, reaction was mixed, with some praising the natural flow and others wishing for some narration to set the tone and elevate certain situations. In the end, NBC never did another announcerless game. To this day, it’s the only game in any major U.S. pro sports league ever broadcast without announcers. However, with modern technological advances and the current frustration with some network NFL broadcasts (looking at you, ESPN), some believe Ohlmeyer was simply ahead of his time and such a game would do well today. I could see it as an alternative channel, something similar to the several options ESPN does for CFB (something they do right). But, I don’t think it’ll ever happen again in the NFL

.THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2007 — Elizabeth II surpasses Queen Victoria to become the oldest monarch of the U.K. She’s still going strong.
• 1996 — Brilliant scientist and author Carl Sagan is born.
• 1983 — Popular actor Jonah Hill is born.
• 1982 — Former MLB All-Star David “Captain America” Wright is born.
• 1971 — The international aid organization Doctors Without Borders is founded.
• 1968 — John Steinbeck — renowned author, Nobel Prize winner, and California icon — dies.
• 1966 — The NBA awards Seattle an expansion franchise, which would eventually become the SuperSonics.
• 1965 — Former NFL MVP Rich Gannon is born.
• 1957 — The initial production version of the Boeing 707 makes its first flight.
• 1951 — The EBR-1 in Arco, Idaho becomes the first nuclear power plant to generate electricity, powering four light bulbs.
• 1921 — The American League votes return to a best-of-seven World Series format, while the National League votes to keep it at best-of-nine. Then-Commissioner Justice Kenesaw Mountain Landis (seriously) breaks the tie in favor of the A.L.
• 1868 — Harvey Firestone, founder of one of the first and largest global makers of car tires (Firestone), is born.
• 1860 — South Carolina becomes the first state to attempt to secede from the U.S.
• 1803 — The Louisiana Purchase is completed.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy National Sangria Day! Do what you usually do to celebrate an alcoholic beverage-themed day and drink to numb the pain of the seemingly endless, dreary, depressing cycle of work and life in general while forgetting just how lonely you truly are. Or is that just me?

I went on the internet…

… and I found this:

I’ve never really heard what gets said during arguments between MLB managers/players and umpires (probably because of all the swearing). That is, until I stumbled upon this clip from a 2016 game between the New York Mets and Los Angeles Dodgers. For context: this was the first series in New York between the two teams since they met in the NLDS the previous season. In Game 2 of that series, Chase Utley slid into Rubén Tejada’s leg while he was trying to make a double play. It was a dirty as hell play that left Tejada with a broken and Utley as an even bigger Public Enemy No. 1. Although the Mets would beat the Dodgers on their way to the 2015 World Series, they certainly didn’t forget what happened. So, when Utley stepped up to bat seven months later, Noah Syndergaard threw behind him as a sort of “fuck you.” Fearing shit hitting the fan, the umps ejected Thor. What follows is an incredible look at player/manager/umpire interaction, as first base umpire Tom Hallion is mic’d up when he talks to Thor and Mets manager Terry Collins (also mic’d up), who got ejected while arguing with the home plate umpire. While both look like they’re yelling at each other, they’re really voicing their frustrations at the situations they’ve been forced into. Collins is (rightly) pissed about the lack of punishment towards Utley, while Hallion knows there’s nothing they can do about that play and they can only prevent the situation from escalating even further. Both are also respectful towards each other the whole time. This is honestly a really fascinating exchange. Also, I have to add “my ass is in the jackpot” to my repertoire.

Speaking of the Dodgers and being mic’d up, here’s a clip of Red Sox first base coach Tom Goodwin during Game 1 of the 2018 World Series, which (I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before) Boston won in five games over LA.

DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

EPIC BOWL VIII PREVIEW

(5) WINGS OF FREEDOM VS. (3) THE HEAVY HITTERS

This is fucking bullshit. I’m in my first Epic Bowl and should be excited to have a shot at finally winning the trophy I paid for. But all I feel is existential dread. Wings of Freedom has put up terrible results over the past two weeks, including a season-low 78 points last week. Somehow, I’ve gotten some matchup luck and faced guys (Nick and Ewing) who did even worse. I’ve fallen ass backwards into the championship game, no two ways about it. Although, everyone as whole hasn’t done too well lately (it’s been a weird stretch of the season). That is, everyone except the Heavy Hitters. Kyle has lived up to his title as highest scorer in the regular season, with his lineup as the only one that’s cracked triple digits each round of the playoffs. It’s also Kyle’s first time in the Epic Bowl (in only his second season), but I’ll bet you any money he’s thinking he has this in the bag. No matter if it’s Wings of Freedom or the Heavy Hitters, we will see a brand new champion. But, one is much more likely to bring it home than the other.

Imagine having a former MVP QB who averages 25 points per week be the rock of your pretty much otherwise up-and-down roster. Now, imagine him falling off a cliff just in time for the playoffs as a shoulder injury turns him into Nathan Peterman (fuck you, Raiders). That’s the 2018 Cam Newton experience. Now, Newton’s done for the year. The guy I’m throwing my title hopes onto: Baker Mayfield, who had one of his best games on the road against the Bengals (who Cleveland’s playing this week at home). That SHOULD mean a big day for Baker. As for the rest of my lineup, Leonard Fournette is facing a Dolphins defense that got run over by the Vikings last week. Still, he hasn’t had the same production since Cody Kessler became the Jaguars’ starter. Tarik Cohen and Jaylen Samuels should do well this week. However, Samuels’ value depends on James Conner’s health. If Conner plays, it drops way down. Meanwhile, my WRs (Michael Thomas and Larry Fitzgerald) have been trending down, but are facing vulnerable defenses. Speaking of defenses, the Bears are primed to feast on the 49ers. But, that means Dante Pettis (who’s been great for me this postseason) isn’t an option. Who will I put in my flex? Right now I have David Njoku because I’m gambling on the Baker double bonus. But honestly, I don’t know what I’ll do. There are so many questions surrounding my roster.

The thing is, even if I make all the right moves, it still likely won’t be enough to win. That’s because Kyle’s roster is absolutely fucking loaded. The only question he’s facing is “Which player who’s guaranteed to be productive should I play this week?”. For example, Kyle just lost Josh Gordon on another waste of his talent. No worries. In comes Robby Anderson/Mike Williams. Fucking hell. Kyle’s offense isn’t so much powered by an engine as Hades riding Cerberus. Playing the role of the devil: Pat Mahomes, the flame-throwing wunderkind who scores 30 points on bad days and faces a Seahawks defense that just got ripped by Nick Mullens. Maybe that’s why Kyle swapped out Seattle for New England, just in time for the Patriots’ bi-annual teabagging of the Bills. Cerberus is Kyle’s three-headed RB tandem of Ezekiel Elliott, Joe Mixon, and Chris Carson. It doesn’t matter if one has a bad game; at least one will go off (likely Elliott and Carson this week). Filling out the offense are guys like always dangerous Mike Evans and the surging Eric Ebron. On defense is a guy who one dropped 40 goddamn points: Bobby Wagner. In this home stretch of the football season, when teams and players can be unpredictable due to  injuries/resting, it seems Kyle has an answer for every possible problem. Richard and Gee found that out the hard way, and only I stand between Kyle and the crown. 

Anything can happen in championship games. Weird shit has already happened this postseason. With $350, the trophy, and bragging rights on the line, there will definitely be nerves no matter how much Kyle is favored to beat me by. With no one in our lineups playing on Monday Night, I will wake up Sunday night with either Kyle’s foot up my ass or an unexpected crown on my head. Four long months has led to this. For better or worse, let’s fucking go.

ONE LAST THING

This man puts ketchup on steak and mac and cheese. He’s also probably about to be the league MVP, lead the Chiefs to the top overall seed for the NFL playoffs, and propel Kyle to an Epic Bowl win. Life is not fair.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness