Ruben's Writings

Yeah, yeah… we’ll get to the Epic Bowl in a little bit. But for now, it’s time to be a millennial and make sure everyone, even those who didn’t finish on the podium this season, gets a trophy.

(cue theme music 1)

Starting from top to bottom (regular season standings):

2018 EPIC LEAGUE AWARDS

(1) C’S CHAMPION TEAM

For C’s Champion Team: the Andy Reid Playoff Choker Award. Whether it be with the Eagles or Chiefs, Reid’s legacy of playoff failure despite regular season success is absolute. Chriss put forth a Reid-approved season, nearly going wire-to-wire as the top seed before being upset by Ewing in the first round (in ugly fashion nonetheless). While Chriss hopes to repeat the history of last year’s Andy Reid Wward winner (Kyle) next year, for now he’s stuck with this hilarious (to everyone else) pic of his head on Reid’s body.

(2) 49ERS

For 49ers: the Jerry Jones Wheeling and Dealing Award. As one of just two people to make more than 30 moves during the season (equivalent to switching out his entire roster twice), Gee gets the bad version of this award because his team, like the Cowboys, came up short in the playoffs. Maybe he’d have done better had he not wasted his 1st round pick on a guy who didn’t play a single down this season. I look forward to Gee picking Todd Gurley first overall in next year’s draft and immediately offering him for trades.

(3) THE HEAVY HITTERS

For the Heavy Hitters: the Howie Roseman Executive of the Year Award. With the most moves made this season (39), Kyle was a shoe-in for the Jerry Jones Award. However, he can’t get shit for it because those moves actually worked out, with him winning the Epic Bowl. So, I had to make something else up. Why not honor the GM who put together the defending Super Bowl champs with many savvy moves. First beating me, then making me do extra stupid work. Kyle sure is being a real dick to me this week.

(4) DIXIE NORMOUS

For Dixie Normous: the Le’Veon Bell Vanishing Act Award. Last year’s basement dweller, Nick put together a great season and was primed to make a nice playoff run. However, much like the non-existent Steelers RB, Nick completely disappeared in the postseason, not even winning a single consolation game to soften the blow. Ironically, it was Nick’s own star RB, Todd Gurley, who led to the downfall with a terrible performance in the first round. See, I told you Gurley couldn’t carry Nick to the championship by himself.

(5) WINGS OF FREEDOM

For Wings of Freedom: the Nick Foles Unexpected Success Award. Enter the playoffs on a two-game losing streak with the offense in shambles. Don’t put up even 90 points in Weeks 14 and 15. Come within five minutes of winning the championship. While I’m disappointed at how my playoff run ended, even getting to the Epic Bowl was as big of a surprise as Nick Foles doing his thing to reach the Super Bowl. Of course, unlike me, Foles actually won a title. Why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself?

(6) THE KRISPY KRITTERS

For the Krispy Kritters: the Pittsburgh Steelers Disappointment Award. The Steelers have one of the best teams in the league on paper, but constantly play down to their competition (they lost to the Raiders for fuck’s sake). Now, they’re likely to miss the playoffs. Richard’s attack can rival anyone in the league, but so often lost because his guys failed to show up. Losing by 0.04 points in Week 13 to the second-worst team in the league was proof of that, as well as a preview of what was to come in the playoffs.

(7) FOOTBALLDAMUS

For Footballdamus: the Carolina Panthers WTF Award. The Panthers might be the weirdest franchise in the NFL, full of up and down results. Carolina has never finished with a winning record in back-to-back seasons despite winning the NFC South three times in a row. Riez was definitely our league’s Panthers this year. From the long streaks (both wins and losses) to offensive showcases and droughts, no one knew what to expect each week. The good got him to the playoffs. The bad sent him home early.

(8) THREE EYED RAVENS

For Three Eyed Ravens: the Marcus Mariota Surprising Playoff Victory Award. No one thought the Titans would do anything in the playoffs last year, considering they didn’t look good on offense and were playing the Chiefs on the road. However, Mariota went off and Andy Reid went full Reid. No one thought the offensively-challened Ewing would take down the top seed, Chriss, in the 1st round. But then Chriss choked and Ewing’s offense went off big time. He didn’t go much farther after that, but still.

(9) WILD HOGS

For Wild Hogs: the Mark Davis Dragging a Storied Franchise into the Ground Award. I’ll share my full thoughts on the Raiders later on. But I’ll say now that Davis’ small pockets, love of the old days, and questionable moves have reduced the Raiders to a laughing stock again. Jimmy made some uncharacteristically bad decisions in both his roster and lineup, finishing outside of the playoffs. Like the Raiders ditching Oakland for Las Vegas, Jimmy may end up ditching the “Wild Hogs” name as a result of this failure.

(10) FRED SANFORD (DUMMY)

For Fred Sanford (Dummy): the Josh Gordon Sad Fall from Grace Award. Gordon, once the undisputed apple of every fantasy football player’s eye, has sadly fallen off a cliff thanks to drug use and other personal problems. Although nowhere near as dark as Gordon’s case, Brian also dropped off pretty hard this year. After winning back-to-back titles, Brian started 0-4 this season and never recovered,finishing far from the playoffs. As good as he’s been recently, it’s unclear if Brian will ever reach the heights of old again.

(11) GREATER FOOLS

For Greater Fools: the Nathan Peterman Offensive Ineptitude Award. Peterman, the interception king and quite possibly the worst QB in NFL history who of course is now a Raider, needs no explanation. Dad has by far the worst offense in the league, only topping 100 points three times, the same amount of times he finished below 80 points. Dad will probably try to explain this display with Jimmy G’s injury and draft conspiracies that make InfoWars sound intelligent. However, the real answer lies in the mirror, Padre.

(12) JOP SUEY!!!

For Jop Suey!!!: the Hue Jackson Incompetence Award. From questionable draft choices and free agent signings to awful lineup selections to simply bad luck, Taylor nearly pulled off what Jackson’s Browns did last season: go winless. An 0-10 start ended with a league-worst 1-12 record. Nothing went right for Taylor this season. Despite going to the Epic Bowl last season, Taylor has only won six times (in the regular season) over the past two years. That’s a very Jackson-esque stretch, if I don’t say so myself.

HIGHLIGHTS

GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

• Tennessee Titans 25-16 Washington Redskins
• Baltimore Ravens 22-10 Los Angeles Chargers
• Dallas Cowboys 27-20 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
• Minnesota Vikings 27-9 Detroit Lions
• Atlanta Falcons 24-10 Carolina Panthers
• Philadelphia Eagles 32-30 Houston Texans
• Indianapolis Colts 28-27 New York Giants
• Cleveland Browns 26-18 Cincinnati Bengals
• New England Patriots 24-12 Buffalo Bills
• Green Bay Packers 44-38 New York Jets
• Jacksonville Jaguars 17-7 Miami Dolphins
• Chicago Bears 14-9 San Francisco 49ers
• Los Angeles Rams 31-9 Arizona Cardinals
• New Orleans Saints 31-28 Pittsburgh Steelers
• Seattle Seahawks 38-31 Kansas City Chiefs
• Oakland Raiders 27-13 Denver Broncos
• Top Plays of the Week

OTHER SHENANIGANS: 

• Josh Norman and Taylor Lewan won’t be sending each other Christmas cards this year.
• Want to run through a brick wall? Listen to Melvin Gordon’s pregame speech.
• Philip Rivers gets a preview of how the game will unfold.
• The ref makes a nice one-handed catch.
• Matt Bosher LAYS THE FUCKING WOOD off his own kickoff.
• Stefon Diggs “blocks” a Lions defender.
• Kirk Cousins goes through puberty.
• Baker Mayfield hangs dong after the TD.
• Baker stares down Hue Jackson.
• Stephen Ross, Mike Tannenbaum, and Dan Marino react to Ryan Tannehill’s pick six.
• FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
• Santa needs something stronger than milk.
• I bet this lady is fun at parties.
• The Denver Broncos QB carousel. 
• DOINK!
• Marshawn Lynch tries to light a blunt using the Al Davis torch.

ARMY ASS-WHOOPING COLLEGE FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• The British in 1781. Panama in 1989. Iraq in 1991. All put up more of a fight against Army than Houston did this past weekend. If you would’ve told me one team would set major offensive records during bowl season, I would not have picked the Black Knights. The program thinks the forward pass is an abomination so much that their QB, Kelvin Hopkins Jr., threw just three times for 70 yards on the day. But oh boy, did he ever run, to the tune of 170 yards and five TDs. That ended up only being half of the Army output. After the Black Knights got the first three scores, the Cougars found the endzone to cut the deficit to 21-7 with 12 minutes left in the first half. Houston would not score again until there were six minutes left in the game. In between those TDs, Army put up 42 unanswered points. In the end, the Black Knights won by an incredible 70-14 final, finishing with 507 yards and eight scores on the ground alone. They got 27 1st downs, did not face a 4th down all game, and did not attempt a single kick other than a PAT (which they made ten of). For all of the shit given to their air attack, Army did not throw an incomplete pass (4/4 for 85 yards and a TD). Hopkins’ 70 yards were enough to make him the first Black Knights QB to have 1,000 passing yards and 1,000 rushing yards in the same season. In addition to the numerous Armed Forces Bowl records they set, Army’s 70 points tied an FBS Bowl record (West Virginia in the 2012 Orange Bowl) and 56-point margin of victory matched the highest ever in a bowl game (Tulsa in the 2008 GMAC Bowl). The victory also gave Army its first ever 11-win season (the program was established in 1890) and probably clinched a ranking for the Black Knights in the final standings. However, given the fact that this is the CFP committee, they’ll probably be ranked behind a 5-loss SEC team or something. 

Weekly Raiders Rant

So, there’s a lot to unpack after Monday Night. On the face of it, this was the most unexpected result possible: a dominant Raiders win. Dwayne Harris’ objectively dumbass move ended up resulting in one of the top highlights of the season. Doug Martin actually ran for 100+ yards. Despite Derek Carr failing to find the endzone, the Raiders led 17-0 at halftime and stayed up by double digits for the rest of the game. This was also the first AFC West win of the season and ensured the Denver Broncos’ first back-to-back seasons with losing records since 1971-72. Fuck John “BoJack Horseman” Elway and the rest of the donkeys. It’s always good to kick their asses.

Of course, there was much more to that game than simply 60 minutes of football. That hour, that Monday Night showdown against a historic rival, that was quite possibly the Raiders’ last game in Oakland. Their lease on the Coliseum expires after this season and the team doesn’t move to Las Vegas until 2020. Considering how they’re going to abandon them in a year, the city of Oakland is suing the Raiders and the NFL over the move. Thus, the Raiders probably won’t play in Oakland next season. The team has been exploring several options for a one-year home, including an early move to play at UNLV’s Sam Boyd Stadium (the most logical), a slight shift to the 49ers’ traffic nightmare of a home of Levi’s Stadium (weird but maybe necessary), and a previously unthinkable (until last week) jump across the bay to another baseball stadium, the San Francisco Giants’ AT&T Park (What. The. Fuck.). A decision is expected before the Super Bowl. At this point, I have no idea what it will end up being.

But if this was in fact the last Raiders game in Oakland, what a way to go out! A dominating win against a division rival in front of a bunch of die-hards inside a packed black hole on Monday Night Football. Yes, this win absolutely fucked up our draft position (now 4th) and possibly let both Nick Bosa and Ed Oliver slip from our grasp. Even so, this was worth it. I don’t trust management to not fuck up key decisions like draft picks. For one last night, the Oakland Raiders were the Oakland Raiders. Who knows if we’ll ever see it again.

Also, seeing Marshawn Lynch try to light a blunt using Al Davis’ eternal flame was hilarious.

STAT OF THE WEEK

So happy for Browns fans. I can’t wait for them to make the playoffs next year (calling it now).

#ThrowbackThursday

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 27, 1953, the Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns completed Part 2 of their three-part championship clash. Although we’re used to the Golden State Warriors’ dominance, even five years ago it would’ve been nuts to imagine one of the most historically terrible franchises embarking on a dynasty, let alone matching up with another lowly franchise (the Cleveland Cavaliers) in four straight NBA finals. Imagine the reverse — two now-terrible franchises having title game matchups in the past. That’s what it was like in the 1950’s. Beginning a the start of the decade, the Cleveland Browns went to six straight NFL Championship Games, with three straight matchups with the Detroit Lions from 1951-1953. The Lions had to win a tiebreaker game against the Los Angeles Rams to even make the playoffs, but upset the Browns 17-7 to win the crown in 1952. In the highly-anticipated rematch the following year in Detroit, the Lions led 10-3 at halftime. But Cleveland came roaring back, scoring 13 straight points behind the leg of Lou Groza (yes, that Lou Groza). With just over two minutes left to play, Detroit was driving for a last chance TD. In the huddle, Lions QB Bobby Layne told his linemen to “block them sons of bitches for me,” then hit Jim Doran, who beat Browns CB Warren Lahr, for a 33-yard TD. Doak Walker (yes,that Doak Walker) made the PAT and Detroit held on for the 17-16 win and their second straight title. The Lions became just the third team in the championship game era (1933) to accomplish that feat. However, Cleveland finally got its revenge the following year, demolishing Detroit 56-10 for the title. This is pretty much all the Lions or Browns have won in the last several decades

.THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2016 — Carrie Fisher, known throughout the world as Princess Leia, dies drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own bra.
• 2015 — World Series champion outfielder Dave “Hendu” Henderson, best known for his clutch home run in Game 5 of the 1986 ALCS, dies.
• 1988 — Cy Young Award-winning pitcher Rick Porcello, who won the 2018 World Series with the Boston Red Sox, is born. Yes, this is finally the last reference to that event in this year’s newsletters.
• 1979 — The Soviet Union invades Afghanistan, sparking an international crisis.
• 1979 — Former NFL QB and Heisman Trophy winner Carson Palmer is born.
• 1978 — Former Saints RB and Super Bowl champion Deuce McAllister is born.
• 1974 — Ohio State RB Archie Griffin wins the first of his two consecutive Heisman Trophy awards. 
• 1971 — Arizona State defeats Florida State 45-38 in the first ever Fiesta Bowl.
• 1968 — Apollo 8 splashes down in the Pacific Ocean, ending the first orbital manned mission to the Moon.
• 1966 — Popular WWE wrestler Bill “Goldberg” Goldberg is born.
• 1962 — National championship-winning college basketball head coach Bill Self is born.
• 1945 — The International Monetary Fund, which manages the balance of international payments and handles international financial crises, is created.
• 1939 — Actor John Amos, best known for his roles in Good Times and Roots, is born. Amos also appeared in the best TV show ever made (The West Wing) as Admiral Percy Fitzwallace.
• 1935 — Regina Jonas is ordained as the first female rabbi in the history of Judaism.
• 1932 — The iconic venue Radio City Music Hall opens in New York City.
• 1927 — The revolutionary show Show Boat, considered to be the first true American musical play, opens on Broadway.
• 1922 — The Hōshō (Japan) becomes the world’s first purpose-built aircraft carrier to be commissioned.
• 1845 — Writing for the New York Morning News, journalist John O’Sullivan coins the term “manifest destiny” when arguing that the U.S. had the right to claim the entire Oregon Country.
• 1836 — Empresario Stephen Austin, who founded the state of Texas, dies.
• 1831 — Charles Darwin embarks on his journey aboard HMS Beagle, during which he will begin to formulate his theory of evolution.
• 1822 — Biologist/chemist Louis Pasteur, one of the most important figures in the history of science, is born. Among his contributions: fermentation, pasteurization, proof of the germ theory, and the vaccines for both rabies and anthrax.
• 1657 — The Flushing Remonstrance articulates for the first time in North American history that freedom of religion is a fundamental right.
• 537 — The construction of the Hagia Sophia in Constantinople (what is now pretty much Istanbul) is completed.

Happy [fill in the blank] Day!

Happy National Fruitcake Day! Believed to have originated in Rome and popularized with the discoveries that sugar can preserve fruit and that there was a shit ton of sugar in the American colonies, fruitcake is still a popular holiday gift despite the fact that it’s widely mocked and re-gifted. I never understood the appeal of fruitcake. You already have the perfect fruit-based shareable pastry: pie.

I went on the internet…

… and I found this:

This is Chargers OL Forrest Lamp, and he made the absolute best out of his name this holiday season. Lamp, who’s had an endorsement deal with Lamps Plus since he was drafted, decided to give every one of his teammates lamps for Christmas. While I certainly hate the Chargers like any good Raiders fan should, I love puns and Christmas gifts too much to let this go unnoticed. IT also gives me an excuse to watch the famous “I love lamp” scene from Anchorman.
FINAL DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Brian: $40

Tyler E: $40

Dad: $40

Kyle: $40

Jimmy: $40

Chriss: $40

Richard: $40 

Tyler G: $40

Taylor: $0

Nick: $0

Riez: $0

You shitbirds have had four months to get the $40 to me and failed. Taylor, I get you don’t want to pay for that embarrassing season, but those are the rules. Nick, just because I beat you in the playoffs doesn’t mean you can skimp out on your dues. Riez, this is two straight years you’ve failed to put in your share. Get your shit together or there won’t be a third year…

…

…….

..

..

…………..

…… ALRIGHT! Fuck… I can’t delay anymore. Goddamn it.

(cue theme music 2)

EPIC BOWL VIII RECAP

(3) THE HEAVY HITTERS DEF. (5) WINGS OF FREEDOM

129.32 – 119.04

To pull off the championship upset, I needed the Wings of Freedom to uncharacteristically do better than their expectations and the Heavy Hitters to have an off day. As the early games got going, both incredibly started happening. Michael Bagdley didn’t to too well on Saturday, while the Buccaneers unexpectedly shut Ezekiel Elliott down (though not enough for Lavonte David to get good points. Although the Patriots defense did its job against the Bills, Eric Ebron gave Kyle shit and Joe Mixon ran into the brick wall of the Browns defense. As for Cleveland’s offense, Baker Mayfield came up huge for me in Cam Newton’s absence with 24 points. Turns out, Big Dick Nick would’ve given me a little bit more, but I can’t say I made a bad choice with how well Mayfield performed. Leonard Fournette actually showed up this week and gave me 13 points. I could’ve had 13 more if I’d have left David Njoku in, but I gambled and came up with half of that from Robert Foster. Proof I would do terribly in Vegas. Anyway, I was still in the hole thanks to Kyle’s own late pickup, Robby Anderson, securing 20 points and Mike Evans’ late TD pushing his total to 15 points. I had absorbed the first of Kyle’s punches and was still standing. Down 77-44 and with Kyle’s last remaining players not taking the field until Sunday Night, I had to throw a haymaker of my own and jump out in front as far as possible.

For the most part, my guys came through. In particular, those who played in the Rams-Cardinals and Steelers-Saints games. Aaron Donald went into absolute beast mode and put up 18 points, while Larry Fitzgerald threw (?!?!?) for a TD of his own. Meanwhile, the back-and-forth spectacle in the Superdome did wonders for me. Secret agent Jaylen Samuels came up with 12 points. While Will Lutz only gave me eight points, it was twice as much as Badgley got Kyle. Michael Thomas also answered Evans’ late TD with a last-minute score of his own and 16 points to boot. At the end of the late games, I was finished with 119 points, much more than I had scored in a while and by far the most I finished with in any playoff game. I would’ve had more than a 42-point lead, had my rock team (Chicago) not let me down. Tarik Cohen only mustered up a single point, while the Bears defense had a subpar day against the goddamn 49ers of all teams. But still, 42 points is 42 points and Kyle only had two players left. Unfortunately for me, one of those two players was none other than Pat Fucking Mahomes, while the other was the surging Chris Carson. Even so, both would have to play above expectations to put Kyle ahead for good. So, as I tucked into bed at 4:30, I actually let myself believe for the first time that I had a shot at pulling off the miracle and actually winning the championship.

Then, I woke up.

(cue theme music 3)

As they’ve done to many others this season, Mahomes and Carson kicked me in the dick. What I had hoped would be a low-scoring affair turned out to be a shootout. Mahomes and Carson both went off, with Carson in particular kicking ass and ending up with 23 points. Mahomes and his 28 points were more than enough to give Kyle the victory. Incredibly, I was still in the lead with five minutes left on Sunday Night. However, both Mahomes and Carson scored in that time, ending any chance I had of taking home the title. 

In the end, despite my best efforts, Kyle proved why his team ended up as the best in the league. There wasn’t one move I could’ve made that would’ve swung the result (there were two moves, but still). The Heavy Hitters was simply the better team, as they had been all season. Kyle not only finished as the highest scorer during the regular season, but finished with the most points out of all eight teams each week of the playoffs. He was also the only person in the past three weeks to finish with 100+ points each time. It’s proof not only of Kyle’s solid draft, but also his skills on the waiver while. As mentioned earlier, Kyle made more moves than anyone in the league, which doesn’t always work. However, the statistics back up that pretty much every one of those moves was a good one, wheeling and dealing even during championship week. It paid off, literally. Kyle’s season ends with a championship, $350, and a slew of free beer. Congratulations, Kyle. You’re a deserving champion. Now excuse me while I step in front of a bus.

By the way, remember how you said you liked the picture I made where I put your head over your Super Smash Bros. main, Cloud? Well, here’s another picture of you and cloud.

ONE LAST THING

Another year come and gone. This was definitely a season to remember. I hope you all enjoyed these past four months and are looking forward to even more shenanigans in 2019. It’s been a blast do put these newsletters out each week. I feel like it’s a way to keep in contact with good friends as we fight growing older and apart due to our jobs and other things that happen in life. I hope to see you all at the Super Bowl party this year, once we figure out who’s hosting the damn thing.

I leave you with some of my favorite memes from this year of shitposting. Kyle, I’m getting my revenge next season.

Happy football, everyone!

(cue theme music 4) 

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner

Epic League of Epic Epicness