Ruben's Writings

Welcome back to football! 

Well… almost. Obviously, the season hasn’t started yet any won’t for a couple more weeks. However, because we had our draft a little bit earlier than normal, saving the draft recap for another three weeks wouldn’t be too timely. Plus, that would make the newsletter incredibly massive and I don’t want to deal with that shit. 

Before we get into the nitty-gritty, there are a few housekeeping items to mention. Chief among them: our roster has changed once more. One week ago, Brian informed me he could not be a part of the league this year, as he could not give a good effort to fantasy football. Brian was a founding member of the Epic League of Epic Epicness and the only one to win multiple championships. More than that, he was a goddamn good member of the league both in and out of fantasy football. An example of his coolness: he used part of winnings over the past two years to pay my, Dad’s, and Ewing’s dues. We’ll miss you, Brian!

As one door closes, another opens. Arik, who was part of the league two years ago and himself left for greener pastures, realized the grass was not greener on the other side and has returned to join the league! As of now, he’s Darth Raider. As for other team names, Jimmy kept his word and ditched his longtime name of Wild Hogs in favor of Gruden Grinders, Dad went from Greater Fools to BernieLizSomethingLeftLeaning to Sleeping Giants, Kyle still hasn’t picked a name yet (hence Name TBD), and I have become the Orchids of Asia, which’ll make Robert Kraft happy.

As for what I’ve been up to since the end of last season, mostly continuing to work the worst hours known to man at FOX40. But it hasn’t just been all work and no play. I’ve already gotten my “fuck off for a few weeks” vacation out of the way. Dad and I visited the East Coast for the first time, with our main stop being Boston and Fenway Park.

As a lifelong Red Sox fan, this was a dream come true, especially because I ended up catching a ball Xander Bogaerts threw to me while I was on the Green Monster. On an unrelated note, Xander Bogaerts is now my favorite current Red Sox player. Dad and I also ate a boatload of lobster rolls in Cape Cod, visited the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame, went through Connecticut and Rhode Island, spent some time in New Jersey (not the shithole part), and had a wonderful time in New York City filled with sightseeing, more baseball, and unfathomably good yet amazingly expensive steak.

I also turned 27 last month. One of my birthday presents: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Yes, the game came out more than two years ago. But that’s not even the worst part. Given my notable video game history (particularly playing a shit ton of Nintendo games), you might be surprised to learn that until last month, I’d never played a Zelda game. Let’s just say that seal has finally been broken.

Holy shit Breath of the Wild is an amazing game. I’ve logged more than 100 hours playing it so far, with more time yet to come. Stunning, beautiful, deep, and enjoyable, I struck gold with my first Zelda game. I’m finally understanding why this series is so beloved by its fans. I want more and am considering playing another game or three (I’ll probably do Ocarina of Time next). 

Does this mean The Legend of Zelda is the first theme of the year? If the title of the newsletter or the final third of this intro haven’t made it obvious yet, then yes.

(cue theme music)

DRAFT RANKINGS

After the draft, Yahoo! gave every team a grade on their selections. About half of them are accurate, but the rest of them suck. So naturally, it’s up to me as commissioner to do justice and dish out the real rankings. We’ll go in the same order as Yahoo! (descending from best grade) so it can be good for at least one thing.  GRUDEN GRINDERS

Yahoo! grade: A+

Real grade: A-

After a stunningly disappointing year where he didn’t make the playoffs, Jimmy decided to retool and go back to his principles: take risks and draft Raiders players. It worked to great success in this draft, despite being slotted in the 11th spot. The Gruden Grinders look solid overall, but can be truly elite if Jimmy’s predictions prove to be correct. Specifically, gambles on certain teams (Raiders, Packers, Steelers) having bounce back years. Jimmy picked James Conner first and later snagged Vance McDonald, hoping the Steelers offense doesn’t take a big hit without Antonio Brown (more on him later). Aaron Jones and Davante Adams can produce in bunches, but their production rides on a possibly declining Aaron Rodgers. Then, there’s the main man at the head of the offense: Derek Carr. Basically, Jimmy will have an awesome or awful season (no in-between) based on how Oakland performs. While Carr was definitely Jimmy’s most risky pick, he made a lot of educated guesses. If he fails, it’s due to bad luck.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS

Yahoo! grade: A-

Real grade: C

It took all of two grades for me to have my first major discrepancy with Yahoo! For me, this is one of the three least accurate decisions from our esteemed league website. Sure, the Krispy Kritters have Alvin Kamara, but it wouldn’t been impressively bad had they not picked someone of his caliber with the 2nd overall selection. While Richard didn’t pick the first QB (more on that later), he picked the second: Russell Wilson… in the 2nd round. How in the ever loving fuck is Mr. Ciara worthy of being picked that high? What’s more, Richard went the anti-Kyle route and didn’t pick a WR with any of his first four selections. He tried to make up for it by then choosing three straight WRs, ending up with Sterling Shepard, Dante Pettis, and Allen Robinson. All three are “pretty good”/”about to break out” at best, and all have QBs with questions marks throwing to them. I wouldn’t be too filled with confidence if I were Richard. Holding back on WRs and vastly reaching for Wilson may end up fucking up what is overall a decently solid roster.

THREE EYED RAVENS

Yahoo! grade: B+

Real grade: C-

The second big fuck up from Yahoo!: the Three Eyed Ravens. Using the polar opposite method as Richard, 12th pick Ewing loaded up on WRs early, picking Juju Smith-Schuster and Adam Thielen They may be the best starting pair in the league. However, things soon started to take a down turn. Ewing dropped the Baker Bomb, picking a second-year Browns QB with one good season to his name (no way this could possibly blow up). Perhaps realizing this, Ewing not only picked up two more QBs (finishing with THREE on his roster), but chose Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen. Ewing, is the male pattern baldness eating at your brain as well? Ewing them supplied the rest of his roster with a heaping helping of meh. Chief (heh) among that pile: the Kansas City defense, which last year was the reason the Chiefs lost a game despite scoring 51 points and committed a dumb penalty when the Patriots were on their final breath. Ewing’s team is definitely top heavy. For his sake, that top had better be Christina Hendricks-esque.

DIXIE NORMOUS

Yahoo! grade: B+

Real grade: B

A brief interlude from ripping Yahoo’s formula to bring you something they actually hit right on the head: Dixie Normous. Like Jimmy, Nick took some educated risks, although they’re of a different kind. Nick went for old and proven places in new and unproven places, picking Le’Veon Bell (after a year absence) and OBJ with his first two selections. Another risk came in the form of Melvin Gordon, who, despite being a top tier RB, could pull a Bell and hold out for the season. I’m not sure Nick’s other RBs (Miles Sanders and Royce Freeman) could step up and produce as needed. Perhaps knowing the risks of drafting Gordon, Nick played it safe for a while by picking guys like Drew Brees, Stefon Diggs, and Kyle Rudolph. Though all three could decline due to age/Kirk Cousins, such a result would be surprising. Mike Williams could also be a good selection if he can survive the ominous Charger injury curse. Overall, Nick did well with the 8th pick and could well improve over his surprising Top 4 finish (regular season) last year.

SLEEPING GIANTS

Yahoo! grade: B

Real grade: D-

Back to shitting on Yahoo!, because goodness gracious did they fuck up this grade for the Sleeping Giants. Dad, it’s a good thing you weren’t actually at the draft, or else you would’ve been able to hear all of the critics in person. They weren’t wrong. While Pat Mahomes was essentially God last year, Kyle didn’t win it all because of him. He did so because his roster as a whole was stacked. Picking Mahomes 4th overall doesn’t set yourself up to fill the rest of your spots with good value. That is, if the rest of your team even has good value. Amari Cooper in the third round? Josh Gordon in the fifth? A defense in the sixth? TWO defensive players selected? Dude, did your kids have any parents who lived? Dad has a roster which can contend for a title… in a 16-team league. Not so much in this league. Plus, because Dad took Damien Williams, he will suffer if the Chiefs falter. Dad had also better hope nothing happens to Mahomes. His backup: Jimmy G, who threw for as many yards as any of us in his return.

NAME TBD

Yahoo! grade: B

Real grade: A-

Kyle, pick your fucking team name already. Don’t be lazy and keep it as Name TBD for the whole season. Aside from this, you’ve done pretty much everything well. The defending champ was dealt the 5th pick and made the most of it, solely focusing on the offense. Dalvin Cook was the only somewhat questionable choice in a line of picks which included DeAndre Hopkins, Mike Evans, Mark Ingram, Robby Anderson, Cooper Kupp, and Phillip Lindsay. While there may only be a couple of flash names there, each is a solid player at worst and all are capable or huge games. However, what will determine Kyle’s success will be his eventual choice for QB: Cam Newton. At his best, Newton gives you dozens of points. At his worst, he forgets how to play football. If he’s dinged up at all, he will give you less and less until it’s nothing. Trust me, I know. Not that I’m still bitter about last year or anything. I honestly can’t find a weakness in Kyle’s lineup, except maybe… wait. Kyle doesn’t have a defense. Again. Goddamn it.

FOOTBALLDAMUS

Yahoo! grade: B-

Real grade: B-

This is the only grade I genuinely think Yahoo! got right, although I think it’s for different reasons than the AI put forth. While Footballdamus was not the only team with a few risky picks, Riez might’ve gone for some of the more riskier big names. With the 10th pick, he took Todd Gurley, who totally doesn’t have knee injury concerns which could impact his future. Riez’s following chose was Antonio Brown, who… well we’ll get to him later. Then, there are Leonard Fournette and Delaine Walker, who had productive years cut short due to injury last year. If the bad possibilities happen, Riez’s season could be over quickly. However, if they all work out, he could find himself fighting for the title, especially because of some steals in the back half of the draft. Tom Brady, Eric Ebron, Aaron Donald, and Adrian Peterson were all picked late, while the Broncos defense was chosen in the last round. Covering early risks with late safety valves is something NFL teams do. But they have years to build. Riez just has this season.

ORCHIDS OF ASIA

Yahoo! grade: C+

Real grade: B+

One thing I want to make clear before I dive in: my name is a reference to the day spa where Robert Kraft allegedly got a blowjob from a sex worker. With that out of the way, I genuinely believe Orchids of Asia has a well-rounded draft and got shafted by Yahoo!. Taking Christian McCaffrey with the 3rd overall pick was a no-brainer, although George Kittle might’ve been a slight reach in the next round. I stand by it, given my history of being fucked over by the TE position. I filled out my roster with good names like Deshaun Watson, T.Y. Hilton, Julian Edelman, and Tarik Cohen. The rest of my offensive players are a selection of guys who can be excellent in the flex position or as replacements. Solid choices on defense and special teams complete the lineup. Maybe because I picked Khalil Mack in the tenth round, Yahoo! said my draft was mediocre. I don’t see it that way. I’m coming into this season on a mission, having fallen just short of the ultimate goal last year. This time, I’m gonna finish the job. Get ready.

JOP SUEY!!!

Yahoo! grade: C+

Real grade: C

Last season, Jop Suey!!! sabotaged its chances with poor drafting and poorer lineup choices, finishing with just one win. This year, Taylor is closer to following that same path instead of going the other direction. Picking 7th, Taylor took Nick Chubb and Michael Thomas for a nice start to his selections. However, things teetered off with his next pick: Josh Jacobs. I don’t care how much of a homer you are, he’s not worth being picked that high. The other highlight was picking Aaron Rodgers, who in every other year would seem like the obvious choice. But, injury concerns have lead to real worries about his eventual decline starting now. The rest of Taylor’s roster consists of guys like Kenny Golladay, Jimmy Graham, Calvin Ridley, Kareem Hunt, A.J. Green, LeSean McCoy, and Emmanuel Sanders. While I’d easily take Taylor to win the 2017 title with that lineup, a lot has happened since them. Two years can make a hell of a difference, and it might mean a second straight season out of the playoffs for Taylor.

C’S CHAMPION TEAM

Yahoo! grade: C

Real grade: F*

Before everyone starts ripping me for dropping the F bomb, there’s a big asterisk right after my grade. For those who couldn’t make it in person, here’s what happened: Chriss was apparently logged in right before the draft started. But, something went wrong and Chriss couldn’t get into his email, therefore the fantasy football league page, therefore the draft. I’m not entirely sure what exactly went wrong, but it resulted in C’s Champion Team autodrafting, which results in an automatic F from me. Though (arguably) not his fault, Chriss didn’t have any input on his picks and just sat there watching PUBG and Attack on Titan videos. While I can’t make fun of him for making the 9th pick and beyond for his team, we can laugh at the mess he’s left with: Kyler Murray, Kerryon Johnson, O.J. Howard, a defensive player I’d honestly never heard of until he was picked (Dane Cruikshank), and TWO FUCKING KS. Chriss might have earned the top regular season spot last year, but he probably won’t repeat on top this time.

49ERS

Yahoo! grade: C-

Real grade: B-

It’s surprising to see the 49ers way down on this list. Gee usually has a solid draft, and I think Yahoo! has underestimated his squad this season. Picking 6th, Gee used his first two selections on the RB duo who served as the backbone of last year’s title-winning roster: Ezekiel Elliott and Joe Mixon. While there’s the whole holdout thing with Elliott, backups like Lamar Miller could be at least be a stop-gap. Keenan Allen and Brandin Cooks headline what could be a solid receiving corps, provided both manage to stay healthy. Jared Goff is another player who could light it up. But on top of his inconsistency issues, who knows how the hangover of last year’s Super Bowl loss will impact the young QB and his team. Even if it’s in a negative way, Gee has a quality Plan B: Andrew Luck. As I’ve said, Gee has an underrated roster that got dicked by Yahoo!’s rankings. Like other teams, Gee’s will need a few good breaks in order to truly contend for the crown. However, there are a few more questions surrounding his roster than others.

DARTH RAIDER

Yahoo! grade: C-

Real grade: B+

Well, this isn’t exactly a warm welcome back to the league for Arik. How the hell did Darth Raider get the 1st overall pick and end up with the worst Yahoo! draft grade? To be honest, I don’t entirely see it. Saquon Barkley was the no-brainer first choice, with two of the Chiefs’ big three offensive weapons (Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce) coming off the board next. Arik filled out his starting lineup with guys like Chris Carson (fuck him for killing my hopes and dreams last year), Matt Ryan, and Robert Woods. He even made a nifty move by snagging the potential Melvin Gordon replacement, Austin Ekeler. Cap it off with nice pieces on defense and special teams, and Arik has one of the best looking rosters in the league. I don’t know if Yahoo! thinks everyone will take a big step back or Arik reached a little bit, but this was far from the worst draft anyone had this season (hello Dad and Chriss). Yahoo! may have the best fantasy football setup on the internet, but their draft analysis leaves a lot to be desired. Or maybe I’m an idiot.

SHAMELESS PLUG

Seeing as no one cares about the preseason and college football hasn’t started yet, I’m gonna make this part of the newsletter (normally reserved for highlights) into an advertisement for Final Quarter, FOX40’s high school football show which airs every Friday night at 11 p.m. In case you haven’t heard me talk about it yet, I’ve been working on the show over the past few years. Now, I’m the official main producer for the show (God help us all). It’s honestly a good show and I’m really looking forward to this show, albeit not going back to work for a sixth day each week. Our season premier is tomorrow night, so please tune in if you’re not to busy drinking away the week. I would like good ratings in order to keep my job, please.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

To say this Oakland Raiders offseason has been eventful is quite an understatement, with 90% of headlines due to one man. Coming off a disappointing 2018 campaign and with Las Vegas looming on the horizon, the Raiders pulled off a blockbuster deal which landed them the best WR in football: Antonio Brown. But with his big talent (and big salary) comes a big ego, with massive baggage from his tenure as a Pittsburgh Steeler. I’ll go over those instances in just a little bit. For now, let’s just focus on what’s happened for the Silver and Black over the past month alone.
First, he posted a picture of the bottom of his completely fucked up feet, grossing out the internet. How did his feet get this way? He didn’t wear proper footwear 

during a cryotherapy session and got frostbite, forcing him to miss 10 of the team’s first 11 training camp practices. In any other universe, this would be the headline of the preseason. But then Brown strapped his helmet on.

He didn’t like how it impacted his vision or how it felt or some other shit and wanted to go back to his old helmet. The problem? It was no longer legal due to it not being up to concussion protocol. Brown was so upset, he threatened to retire if he didn’t get to use his own helmet. Instead, he filed an appeal, which was denied. He then said he’s moved on. But then he filed a grievance against the NFL, claiming he was not given proper notice (players like Tom Brady had been given a year). To be fair, Brown actually has a point there (holy shit I’m agreeing with Antonio Brown). But at the same time, it’s time to move on. Mike Mayock is pissed. Jon Gruden is pissed. The obviously move for Brown is to just play the damn game.

Then again, this is the same person who arrived at training camp in a hot air balloon. I mean we probably should’ve known a guy with a squared off beard and blonde mustache who nicknamed himself “Mr. Big Chest” isn’t entirely mentally stable. 

I mean that literally. A dark aspect to all of this is the possibility that Brown has legitimate brain damage. Before the Steelers’ 2016 Wild Card game against the Cincinnati Bengals, Brown hadn’t really done anything notable off the field, with the only big instance being the fallout for him kicking a punter in the head (which he apologized for). Then Vontaze Burfict delivered one of the dirtiest and stupidest hits I’ve ever seen (especially given the context) and gave Brown a concussion. The vast majority of the crazy shit Brown has done has happened since then. I genuinely believe brain damage has played a major role in Brown becoming the pariah he is today. This being said, literally every NFL player probably has some form of brain damage due to the nature of the game. Only few have ever been able to match his off-field drama.

Fortunately for people who are suckers for drama, there are plenty of cameras to catch it all. 

God, I love Hard Knocks. Not only does it truly mean football season is upon us, but the show itself is incredibly well made. It has a banger theme song, beautiful shots, and compelling storylines. I watch it every season and made sure to catch it when my favorite team became the focus. The first three episodes have been good so far, with two more to go. The thing with this show is that it always makes me thing the team involved will do well in the upcoming season, when it’s often a 50/50 shot.
I knew this going in, so I was determined not to buy into the hype. Then I saw the first two minutes of the first episode, which included Gruden’s “nightmares” speech and the remixed theme song featuring “The Autumn Wind” and was ready to run through a wall. The seven-man sled scene was also awesome. But don’t worry, I’m sticking to my beliefs. This team will likely 9-7 at best and probably won’t sniff the playoffs. Wait, what’s this?

Fuck it, I’m booking my ticket to Miami for Super Bowl LIV.
Anyway… all of this AB talk serves as the perfect opportunity to introduce a brand new segment!

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 6 BIGGEST DIVA WRS IN NFL HISTORY

Each week, I’ll be putting out a new rankings list on whatever topic I feel like covering. It could be about current NFL topics, football history, or something completely random. This week, we’re doing this because I can’t get away from Mr. Big Chest news. I’m only including WRs for two reasons: 1. pretty much every list I could find that included all positions is mostly made up of WRs. 2. Deion Sanders is the only one who can compete with the top guys on this list. Side note: fuck Deion Sanders. Anyway, 

why are WRs so dominant in this category? I’m not entirely sure. There are so many other positions in sports which have truly elite talent. Yet WRs consistently marry incredibly poor attitude with incredible talent. Let’s celebrate that awful union.

While there have been plenty of diva WRs in modern NFL history (Odell Beckham Jr. DeSean Jackson, Plaxico Burress, Steve Smith, Jerry Porter, Brandon Marshall, etc.) only six guys ever reached truly elite diva status. There is a real argument for each member of the Top 6 to be ranked No. 1. Everyone on made at least one All-Pro First Team, four are HOF members, one is likely on his way (if he can find a helmet), five have competed on Dancing with the Stars, and all would’ve benefited from simply shutting the fuck up. 

I do want to give an Honorable Mention shoutout to Andre Rison. I didn’t know too much about him before I started doing research on this list, but holy shit this dude was whack. He referred to himself as the greatest WR ever to play the game, got into a slap fight with Deion Sanders, told police that his name was “Brock Middlebrook” after throwing a guy through a window, and referred to himself as “Spider-Man.” There was also the little matter of his then-girlfriend, Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes of TLC fame, burning his mansion down while trying to light his shoes on fire. It’s real. All of it. He wasn’t good enough to be a true diva, though. He was just fucking crazy.
Anyway, it’s Top 6 time. We’re about to enter true greatness territory, which I’m sure is music to their ears.

6. MICHAEL IRVIN

Like Rison, Michael Irvin is among the diva forefathers of the modern NFL. A proud grad of the Miami Hurricanes school of showboating (the undisputed top school for NFL divas), Irvin was nicknamed “The Playmaker” for his big moments in big games. The moniker was bestowed upon him by… Michael Irvin. He had a big mouth, but he could back it up with tremendous on-field success, winning three Super Bowls with the Dallas Cowboys. However, his off-field antics were good for weekly headlines. He’s battled drug problems (mainly cocaine-related) throughout his career and post-retirement life. He’s been the subject of several sexual assault allegations (though he was never charged in any incident). However, his main call to diva fame came from a 1988 incident in which OL Everett McIver refused to vacate a barber’s chair so Irvin wouldn’t have to wait for a haircut. During the dispute, Irvin stabbed McIver in the neck with a pair of scissors. Seems like a normal reaction. Fortunately, Irvin barely missed McIver’s carotid artery. Fortunately for Irvin, Jerry Jones brokered a six-figure settlement to buy McIver’s silence and stop him from pressing criminal charges. Anyway, fuck Michael Irvin.  

5. RANDY MOSS

Randy Moss might have more highlight reel catches than anyone in NFL history. He might also have more infamous moments than any member of the HOF (except for probably the No. 1 person on this list). The troublemaking started in high school and lasted throughout his NFL career, with frequent marijuana use during his playing days. His most memorable moment came when he fake mooned the Green Bay crowd during a Vikings-Packers game and caused Joe Buck to clutch his pearls (side note: fuck Joe Buck). When asked how he paid the fine, Moss answered “straight cash, homie,” and suggested he might shake his dick instead next time. He was traded to the Oakland Raiders two months later and openly gave zero fucks the entire time he was in the Bay (side note: fuck Randy Moss). He was eventually shipped to New England, where he and the Patriots nearly went 19-0 with Moss actually giving a shit about his performance. He bounced around from the Tennessee Titans to back to Minnesota (which apparently has bad catering) to the San Francisco 49ers before eventually calling it quits. Like several other divas on this list, he never won a ring. What a shame. 

4. ANTONIO BROWN

Surprised to see Antonio Brown already? Think of him as the LeBron James of NFL divas, with the player at No. 1 (no spoilers) being Michael Jordan. Brown is already one of the great divas, but his career still has plenty of mileage (unless he actually does retire for helmet-related reasons). I’ve already gone through his already impressive Silver and Black diva résumé, so let’s recap his time with the Pittsburgh Steelers. This past season alone, Brown called one media member a racist and threatened another with violence. He also was accused of throwing furniture off a 14th-floor balcony of a Florida apartment complex and appeared on The Masked Singer. He also put the finishing touches on torching his relationship with Ben Roethlisberger (who isn’t exactly blameless in this scenario). God forbid to see what he does with Derek Carr, who doesn’t exactly have the clout Big Ben had when Brown was drafted. He’s done so much stupid shit it’s near impossible to keep track of. Depending on how this whole helmet ordeal plays out, Brown could easily jump at least one spot and possibly more on this list. For now, we’ll have to see what happens. Fingers crossed it’s not too fucked up.

3. KEYSHAWN JOHNSON

While Irvin paved the way for divas and Brown is the current NFL diva king, Keyshawn Johnson was the first WR to truly achieve unquestioned diva status. Johnson even says so himself. “I wrote the book on diva receivers. Truly, when you break it all down, I’m the first guy in the last 15 years of receivers who did all that stuff. I threw my helmet to the ground when no one was doing that.” If you want to get some perspective on his skills/role on the team, you don’t even have to read his autobiography (published after his rookie season). Just look at the book’s title: Just Give Me the Damn Ball. That attitude was apparent when Johnson was traded to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and pissed off head coach Jon Gruden so much that Johnson was deactivated for the final seven games of the 2003 season and traded to the Dallas Cowboys the following offseason. On the field, Johnson was a legendary shit talker, with plenty of in-game drama resulting. Off the field, he allegedly threatened to kill his ex-wife’s boyfriend and planned to hire a hitman to kill his ex. This is also the same guy who starred in an interior design TV series on A&E and operates an investment business. Life is weird sometimes.

2. CHAD “OCHOCINCO” JOHNSON

Despite the picture above, Chad Johnson is the only member of the Top 6 who won’t be wearing a HOF jacket (I’m giving Brown the benefit of the doubt). While he was certainly among the best in the NFL during his prime and deserving of the “Hall of Very Good,” he fell flat while having zero statistical success in the playoffs. But if while he’ll never be a HOFer, he’ll forever go down as an innovator. Johnson’s TD celebrations were unique and creative, easily the most anticipated parts of Cincinnati Bengals games during the mid-2000’s. It got to a point where the league had no choice but to go the “no fun” route and put a cap on showboating (only recently lifted). He even had is own “This is SportsCenter” commercial based on his celebrations. There were also the controversies he caused by doing things like keeping a “DB checklist” and legally changing his last name to “OchoCinco” (the Spanish versions of his jersey numbers 8 and 5). There was also the whole domestic battery thing which ended his NFL career. Even today, he can’t help but be part of the news. Of course, he’s also dabbled in reality TV, including starring in a show with the only man who can top him on this list. 

1. TERRELL OWENS

It had to be Terrell Owens. T.O. combines talent, locker room cancer, celebrations, and off-field antics flawlessly. Where do we even begin? With the San Francisco 49ers, he stood on the Dallas Cowboys’ star and broke out a sharpie after scoring. With the Philadelphia Eagles, he mocked Ray Lewis’ dance against the Baltimore Ravens (sorry, Ewing) and held a press conference in his driveway while working out shirtless. There was the all-time diva line, “I love me some me,” and the whole Desperate Housewives skit thing. He also OD’d with the Cowboys, which was pretty scary, and gave us “that’s my quarterback,” which is hilarious. He played for five teams, tearing apart locker rooms, pissing off coaches, and disheartening QBs along the way. In fact, he was such a pariah that, despite being in the Top 3 in career receiving yards (15,934) and receiving TDs (153), it took three tries for voters to approve Owens’ spot in the HOF because they fucking hated him. Even then, Owens decided to give one last middle finger to the NFL by skipping the induction ceremony and holding his own (the only HOFer to do so). It’s the perfect ending to the football life of the biggest diva in NFL history.  

STAT OF THE WEEK

Guys, did we fuck up our draft reactions again?

UPCOMING ANNIVERSARIES

This year, football is marking a pair of important milestones. In case you didn’t watch that one Super Bowl commercial or haven’t been caught up in the league’s marketing machine, this upcoming season will be the 100th in NFL history. The league began back in 1920 as the American Professional Football Association, when the Rock Island Independents defeated the St. Paul Ideals 48-0 (there will be a later #ThrowbackThursday that’ll go into more detail). Throughout the year, the NFL will be doing special centennial promotions and designating one game each as a reminder of a landmark moment (the Raiders, incredibly, are in three of them). Everything considered, you’d think this would be by far the biggest football-related anniversary taking place this year. However…

College football laughs at its professional counterpart. November 6 will mark 150 years since the first official college football game was held, with Rutgers beating the College of New Jersey (now Princeton) 6-4. Needless to say, a lot has changed since then (there will also be a #ThrowbackThursday about this). For those who know how match and numbers work, you might be wondering how this could be the 150th season of college football and the 100th NFL season when both were started 51 years apart. Turns out, there was no 1871 college football season due to scheduling difficulties with this new sport. As a result, 1871 was the last year there has ever been without a football game being played. Hopefully it stays that way forever.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On August 22, 1959, the NFL’s newest rival was officially named: the American Football League (AFL). Eight days earlier, the league had held the first ever owners meeting and awarded the first six franchises to Dallas, New York, Denver, Houston, Los Angeles, and Minnesota. If you’re confused by the initial team list, you’re not alone. Dallas was not the Cowboys, but the Texans (the inspiration for the eventual Houston Texans). The OG Texans would move to Kansas City and become the Chiefs. The OG Houston team was the Oilers, which eventually became the Tennessee Titans. New York was originally named the Titans, but later became the Jets. The Los Angeles Chargers would shortly move to San Diego but eventually return. The only one of that six-member initial group to stay in their city and keep their original name is the Denver Broncos. Minnesota didn’t even play in the league, folding after the 1960 AFL Draft (which lasted 33 rounds) when their ownership group was given an NFL expansion franchise (the Vikings). A replacement was originally found — the Oakland Raiders. By that time, two other franchises (the Buffalo Bills and Boston Patriots) had joined to form the team list for the inaugural season. But before all of that, the league needed a name: the American Football League.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2007 — The Texas Rangers score the most runs in a single game in modern MLB history, defeating the Baltimore Orioles 30-3.
• 1989 — Rangers pitcher Nolan Ryan strikes out Rickey Henderson to become the first MLB pitcher to record 5,000 strikeouts.
• 1902 — Cadillac Motor Company is founded.
• 1902 — Theodore Roosevelt becomes the first U.S. President to make a public appearance in an automobile
• 1864 — The first Geneva Convention is signed, establishing the rules of protection of the victims of armed conflicts.
• 1851 — The yacht America wins the first ever America’s Cup sailing race.
• 1849 — The first air raid in history takes place, with Austria launching pilotless balloons against the city of Venice.
• 1791 — The Haitian Slave Revolution begins, eventually resulting in the independence of Haiti from France.
• 1485 — The Battle of Bosworth Field takes place, resulting in the death of Richard III, the end of the House of Plantagenet, and the end of the Middle Ages in England.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1990 — Randall Cobb, former Green Bay Packers WR now on the Dallas Cowboys. 
• 1978 — James Corden, actor and host of The Late Late Show with James Corden.
• 1973 — Kristen Wiig, actress and SNL alumna.
• 1967 — Ty Burrell, actor who portrays Modern Family‘s Phil Dunphy.
• 1941 — Bill Parcells, NFL HOF head coach. Side note: this is the Wikipedia picture for the Big Tuna’s page.
• 1939 — Carl Yastrzemski, Boston Red Sox legend, Triple Crown and AL MVP-winner, and one of the greatest baseball players of all time.
• 1936 — Chuck Brown, the Godfather of Go-Go.
• 1920 — Ray Bradbury, acclaimed author and screenwriter who is considered a forefather of the science fiction genre.
• 1647 — Denis Papin, who invented the precursor to the pressure cooker and the steam engine. 

DEATHS:

• No one famous enough for me to put here.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Surgical Oncologist Day! As you’ve probably guessed, this involves oncology, specifically removing/managing cancerous tumors. Ewing probably knows much more about this than me. I’m like 90% sure this has something to do with his job. 

I WENT ON THE INTERNET…

… and I found this:

During the draft, Kyle alerted me to an incredibly important happening: Bill Walton, NBA legend turned broadcaster, was doing the color commentary for the Chicago White Sox-LA Angels game Friday night. Why a college and pro basketball star with deep ties to SoCal, Portland, and Boston was in the booth for the White Sox, I have no idea. Quite frankly, I don’t care because I’m so happy it even happened. 

To describe Friday night’s broadcast as incredible is an understatement. I’m not sure how much Walton knew about baseball beforehand, but he’s not unfamiliar with color commentary, so he had to be at least somewhat prepared. He brought his unique spin on TV to baseball, with truly spectacular results. The fact this happened on the 50th anniversary of Woodstock is simply icing on the cake.

2019 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Taylor: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss $40

Richard $40

Nick: $40

Jimmy: $40

Tyler G: $40

Arik: $40

Riez: $0

Tyler E: $0

Dad: $0

ONE LAST THING

The Oakland Raiders family lost another legend this month, with the passing of WR Cliff Branch. A Raider for his entire 14-year career, Branch won three Super Bowls, was named to three All-Pro First Teams and four Pro Bowls, and tallied 501 catches for 8,685 yards and 67 TDs. It took Jerry goddamn Rice to break Branch’s records for most playoff receptions and receiving yards. Branch was also quite active in retirement, often branching (no pun intended) out to fans who wanted his autograph. 
He was a Raiders icon, but he was not a member of the Hall of Fame. This is complete bullshit. 

Branch’s stats alone, particularly his performance in the playoffs, merit enshrinement. Other WRs with worse accolades have gotten in, as have players with not-so-great regular season numbers but memorable moments in the postseason (Joe Namath, anyone?). There’s a big argument for Julian Edelman making the HOF, with his playoff performance his biggest benefit. Edelman has the same amount of Super Bowl rings (three), nearly as many catches (499), and far fewer yards (5,390) and receiving TDs (30) than Branch, yet stands a more likely chance of getting a gold jacket. He’s got a few years left, but even if he does catch Branch in those last categories, it won’t be by much.

So, why do players like Namath and Edelman get the nod why players like Branch fall short? Simple: Branch played for the Raiders. Regardless of how you feel about the reasons behind it, the NFL has historically, objectively hated the Raiders organization. Branch is far from the only HOF snub for the Silver and Black. Tom Flores was the NFL’s first Hispanic starting QB and the first minority head coach to win a Super Bowl (doing so twice). He’s also one of two people (Mike Ditka being the other) to win Super Bowls as a player, assistant coach, and head coach. Somehow, he’s not in the HOF. Jim Plunkett is the only QB to win multiple Super Bowls and not have a gold jacket. Hell, they waited until literally the year after Ken Stabler died to induct him into the HOF.  Is this what will happen with Branch? Another posthumous induction for a late Raider legend? Do Flores and Plunkett need to die as well to get the emotional boost from the HOF committee? It shouldn’t even come close to coming to this. Raider fandom bias aside, Flores and Branch should unquestionably have long ago been inducted, with Plunkett getting a narrow but definitive approval as well. All three are proud to be Raiders. But apparently there is no pride in the Silver and Black for anyone else, particularly for those handing out the gold jackets.

Ruben DominguezCommissioner, 

Epic League of Epic Epicness

Four-time winner, MLB Most Annoying Red Sox Fan in Sacramento award