Ruben's Writings

Okay, now we’ve made it! 

Welcome back to football, boys! Week 1 of the NFL season and of this year’s Epic League of Epic Epicness kicks off tonight with Bears-Packers, which I will probably be forced to sleep through because Satan made my schedule. Whenever I want to do normal things like watch sports or have a social life, I either have to wake up super early or go to bed notably late, which is just peachy for my sleeping habits. I also have to take extra measures to do big things like go on vacations. Luckily, I was able to do just that recently.

A couple of weekends ago, I took a trip down to San Diego to watch my beloved Boston Red Sox take on the Padres. I also made it to the 1/3 mark on my MLB ball park goal by taking in a game at Petco Park, which is just fantastic. In fact, it’s gotten me thinking about how I’d rank the ten ball parks I’ve been to, so I’ll do just that. 

But how can I work this into a theme? I know, how about one of the best things about Petco Park? You know how Miller Park has sausage races and Nationals Park has presidents races? Guess what San Diego has…

Yep, anchorman races. You know where this is going.

(cue theme music)

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 MLB BALLPARKS I HAVE VISITED

If you look at the ballparks I have been to on a map, it’s basically a giant sandwich but with only the thin slices of bread. I’ve now been to all of the West Coast spots, plus the three eastern-most parks and a random one in Eastern North America. There’s virtually nothing in the middle, so I’ve got to head to the flyover states to really get cracking on the next ten, or at the very least get to the halfway point.

Side note: all of these pictures were either taken by me or were taken of me. I’m obviously an amazing photographer, so any poor quality is clearly due to the technological limitations of my cell phone or my environment.

10. OAKLAND COLISEUM (ATHLETICS)

Shoutout to the 2012 versions of Jimmy, Riez, and I. Also wow I still have that green shirt. Anyway, Oakland Coliseum (officially named RingCentral Coliseum) sucks. I’m sorry, A’s fans, but it does. It’s one of the few ball parks which might be shittier than the area surrounding it (considering this is Oakland, that’s saying something). It’s main architectural features include concrete and tarps. No matter where you sit, you feel far from the action. There are few redeeming food/drink options in or around the stadium. It reeks of being less of a baseball park (a place with a interesting aspects) and more like a huge football stadium, which to be fair it is. But even when the Raiders leave next season, they’ll be taking one of the few unique ball park facts along with it. However, A’s fans shouldn’t despair too much. The renderings for the proposed Oakland Ballpark look cool as hell. If the House that Matt(s) Built can become a reality, guess who’s skyrocketing in the standings? Now, get shovels in the ground ASAP.  

9. ROGERS CENTRE (BLUE JAYS)

This is by far the most random ball park I’ve been to, thanks to a spontaneous trip to Toronto last year. I ended up going to the first game of a doubleheader which was made thanks to a chunk of ice falling from the CN Tower and ripping a hole in the Rogers Centre roof, forcing the day before’s game to be canceled. I sat next to the left field pole, which is actually made up of netting. Because I was in Canada for the first time, I had poutine. While each of these facts were interesting, none made the actual baseball experience interesting. Rogers Centre was nice, but is much better situated for the 90’s, an era where bigger and bolder was better for sporting venues. Rogers Center is the third-largest ball park in the league, and the small crowds on an average day really point out just how too big it is. It’s kind of like Arco Arena: decent surrounding area, meh food, and clearly a little too old. Also, the field is made of turf, which is weird. I get that it’s in a dome, but still. Grass > turf any day. 

8. YANKEE STADIUM (YANKEES)

Believe it or not, one of my top sports-related places I want to visit but never will (for obvious reasons) is the old Yankee Stadium. The House That Ruth Built was a legendary ball park which carried the auras of great baseball of old. The House That Jeter Built is an expensively made yet cheaply realized attempt to recreate the old yankee magic. New Yankee Stadium has no soul. What comes closest is a mix of lavishness (I mean it’s the yankees) and blandness. While there are plenty of objectively nice things about the stadium, there are long stretches of the ball park which just feature white-painted concrete. The surrounding area (and kitchens) are shitholes. Also, if we’re being honest, I’m a Red Sox fan. It was fucking weird to be in there, with a “you’ve come to the wrong neighborhood” vibe. While that works because I’m a Sox fan, it might not be the case for fans of the other 28 teams. It needs to be intimating for all visitors. That’s what Old Yankee Stadium had, and it’s yet another thing New Yankee Stadium lacks.

7. ANGEL STADIUM (ANGELS)

This is my gate keeper. If any ball park is above Angel Stadium, I give it my wholehearted seal of approval. If not, it’s somewhere between meh and shit. Don’t get me wrong, Angel Stadium is a perfectly good place to catch a game. There are a bunch of decent food options (I definitely didn’t expect to find a Juicy Lucy in Southern California) and the overall stadium is relatively nice looking. However, there’s nothing about it that really stands out about it. The most recognizable feature is the large pile of rocks (called “California Spectacular”) which sits in center field. While it is pretty (designed by Disney) and used for pyrotechnics shows, it’s not the best look when your most defining ball park feature is a pile of rocks. At least it’s better than the view around the stadium, which is surrounded by parking lots. Those lots also make the traffic situation seem worse than it is, though it’s still pretty bad (it is SoCal, after all). However, it’s nowhere near as terrible as the next ball park on this list.

6. DODGER STADIUM (DODGERS)

Hi Nick 🙂 did y’all know Dodger Stadium has by far the highest capacity (56,000) in all of MLB? That (and the stupid parking scenario at Chavez Ravine) probably explains the notorious traffic nightmare at every Dodgers game. It’s just part of the Dodger Stadium experience, which is iconic in the baseball world. While there’s not a lot of modern offerings there, you can tell it’s stepped in baseball history. That’s honestly enough. I got chills when I entered Dodger Stadium, and not just because it was the World Series. It’s a grand ball park with a beautiful view and one of the best atmospheres in baseball. However, I must mention one crucial aspect of the Dodger Stadium experience: the Dodger Dog. I’m sorry, but Dodger Dogs suck. After all the hype I’d heard about them, I was frankly disappointed by what I bit into. It was a below average hot dog that was longer than normal. It was a complete waste of money. That being said, it was one of the few things I did not enjoy, especially given what happened at the game. 

5. CITI FIELD (METS)

This is the ball park which surprised me more than the rest, if only because I’d never heard anything particularly nice about Citi Field before my visit. But I was honestly a little blown away by what it had to offer. Easily accessible via the subway (never drive/do rideshare in New York), Citi Field has a lot to offer to fans. There’s a great selection of food and drinks, unique features like the classic New York home run apple, and plenty to see around the ball park. Getting around is also pretty easy, which is notable given the ball park’s relative size. Citi Field is just nice to look at (especially the Jackie Robinson rotunda) and is a great place to watch some baseball. Put it this way — I sat in the upper-most row in the top section on a rainy day in New York and still had a nice time. Now, if only the Mets could give their fans what they deserve and field a non-injury-ridden team that isn’t complete trash. Also, fun fact: Citi Field is the only MLB ball park with non-yellow foul poles (they’re orange).  

4. T-MOBILE PARK (MARINERS)

Now, we’re entering the upper echelon of MLB ball parks, with each of the final four having a great chance of finishing in the Top 10 once I eventually complete the 30-ball park journey. These places have everything, and T-Mobile Park is no exception. It’s quite a pretty ball park, both architecturally and with the various pieces of art across the area. One really cool part of T-Mobile Park is called “The Pen,” which is next to a bunch of cool food options and has a kickass view of the bullpen. It’s also got a great location, next to CenturyLink Field and various bars which stretch into Downtown Seattle. It’s in one of these bars where a drunken Jimmy went ham on a mechanical bull. By “went ham” I mean fell off in like 10 seconds. I may or may not have video of this. Anyway, another unique aspect of T-Mobile Park: they have  grasshoppers. Like, grasshoppers you can eat. They’re surprisingly good! The ball park also has a favorite of mine: crab sandwiches. However, they’re not as good as the next place on the list.

3. ORACLE PARK (GIANTS)

It really is a tale of two cities in the Bay Area. Oakland has one of the worst venues in North American sports (the Coliseum), while San Francisco has one of the best in Oracle Park. It has arguably the prettiest view in all of baseball, with McCovey Cove providing a fantastic backdrop and entertainment in the form of kayakers. In terms of beauty, the ball park itself is gorgeous, with the brick providing a great old school look. Oracle Park itself is easy to get to, with BART and boat getting you within walking distance. It’s also right on the edge of Downtown San Francisco, so there’s plenty to do afterwards. In terms of food and drink, Oracle Park might have the best options in all of baseball. Where else can you get delicious craft beer, delectable Ghirardelli chocolate, and the best thing I’ve ever eaten at a baseball game: Crazy Crab’z’s crab sandwich on sourdough bread. I’m a simply man. Give me crab and sourdough from the best place to get either. San Francisco, and you have a happy Ruben. 

2. PETCO PARK (PADRES)

Goddamn, this is an incredible ball park. Everything about Petco Park is top notch, and I mean everything. It’s gorgeous, with some unique architectural features including the Western Metal Supply Company building. Plus, the stadium being set in the middle of a Downtown San Diego with plenty to offer and perfect weather (only three rain-outs since it opened in 2004) doesn’t help either. There’s plenty to do on the inside as well. Delicious (albeit expensive) food options are aplenty, and that doesn’t begin to cover the drinks. Petco Park not only has the best beer selection out of every ball park I’ve been to, but also the best beer selection out of any sports venue I’ve set foot inside. It’s not generic and shitty Bud Light or Corona, either; all different kinds of craft beer can be found across the stadium. Objectively, the Padres have done everything to make Petco Park the best ball park in all of baseball. And yet, just like the team itself, they appear to come up just short of the ultimate goal.

1. FENWAY PARK (RED SOX)

The Fenway Park experience begins before you even get inside. You get your tickets scanned on Jersey Street, then pass into a small road surrounded by World Series banners, stores and food stands that’s more out of a carnival than a baseball pregame party. You can listen to musicians, see different street performers, and load up on delicious food and beer, all before you walk into Fenway Park itself. But once you take that walk, things go up to a whole new level. When you see the field for the first time — Green Monster and all — you realize you’re at an American sports institution. It’s MLB’s oldest stadium, and there are certainly parts which have chanced little from opening day 1912. Some of the seats are from the early 1900’s, and admittedly there are a few literally situated behind pillars. But at the end of the day, this is the best example of baseball in America. It mixes history and old school with modern amenities and demands. My fandom bias aside, Fenway Park is the best in all of baseball. 

So, there you have it. I still have 2/3 of the MLB to go, with places like PNC Park, Coors Field, Wrigley Field, Kauffman Stadium, and Oriole Park at Camden Yards remaining. I’m excited to check out what these ball parks have to offer, baseball and beyond. 

It was also nice to just be able to concentrate on baseball while visiting San Diego. There was no other breaking sports news or anything like that while I was at Petco Park…

ANDREW LUCK RETIRED

HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. This is why you check your phone at the ball park, folks!

Enough time has passed so I don’t need to recap what happened or the reaction towards it (fuck Doug Gottlieb). This was an absolutely out-of-nowhere move that leaves an entire team and division in flux (I wonder who was more surprised by this development: the Colts or Gee?). Can Indianapolis ride Jacoby Brissett to the playoffs? Will the Houston Texans figure out whatever the fuck they’re doing? Can Marcus Mariota stay healthy enough to keep the Tennessee Titans on track? Will the Nick Foles-led Jacksonville Jaguars actually win the AFC West?

Any way it plays out, the NFL will be worse without Andrew Luck, but his decision is completely understandable. Look at Luck’s body language during his retirement announcement.

This is the same man who once dished out one of the best hits by a QB I’ve ever seen, engineered the second-biggest comeback in NFL history, and took to getting tackled like a kid does when entering a candy store. What could’ve happened to make that same guy give up on his life’s passion in his prime and the tens of millions of dollars that come with it?

Yeah, that’ll do it. Godspeed, Andrew Luck! Enjoy all that life has to offer.

While Luck’s decision was certainly shocking, this far from the only stunning retirement by a player in his prime, especially in the NFL.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS PART 2

TOP 12 NFL PLAYERS WHO SHOCKINGLY RETIRED EARLY

Some clarifications on this list, because there have been many players who’ve retired early and retired due to injuries. To make it onto the Top 12 (the number being in honor of Luck), not only do these players need to have been good for at least several years, but their retirement needs to have been a genuine surprise, even if it was injury-related (like Luck). For example, guys like Terrell Davis and Gale Sayers do not make the list because, while they retired early, it was obviously that injuries had depleted their ability. It was more of a “damn shame” than a “wait, really?”. Ultimately, these 12 guys weren’t “forced” to retire, but decided to leave for various reasons. I’m also not counting Marshawn Lynch because he eventually came back.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Christian Okoye — The Nigerian Nightmare decided to call it a career after multiple injuries, saying he had grown tired of practice and that football felt more like a job. At the time of his retirement, he was the Kansas City Chiefs’ all-time leading rusher and the RB defenders would least like to tackle (except for Steve Atwater).

Jason Worilds — A solid LB for the Pittsburgh Steelers for five years (and tendered to a $9.7M deal for the last one), he entered 2015 as a free agent expected to garner a contract with around $15M guaranteed. But despite several teams reaching out to him, he retired one day after free agency began to become a Jehovah’s witness.

Chris Borland — Despite being a rookie filling in for an injured Patrick Willis, he led the league in tackles during the second half of the season (while missing the last two games). Even with Willis’ retirement (oh don’t worry, he’s on this list) guaranteeing a starting spot, he called it quits after just one year over concussion concerns.

Vontae Davis — The former Pro Bowl CB signed a one-year deal with the Buffalo Bills in 2018, but would not last five months. During the first half of the Week 2 game against the LA Chargers, Davis removed himself, saying he was “done.” He later retired, saying he had a realization that he shouldn’t play football anymore. Because Bills. 

12. TARIK GLENN

One of the best OL in the game, Tarik Glenn made his name protecting Peyton Manning’s blindside and doing it well. He made the Pro Bowl from 2004-06, with the last of those seasons seeing him and the Colts win Super Bowl XLI. Just when he seemed at the pinnacle of his career, the 31-year-old Glenn retired just before the 2007 training camp, saying he had lost his passion for the game. He would later discover a new passion by founding a non-profit organization (D.R.E.A.M. Alive, Inc.) in Indianapolis with his wife.  

11. PAT TILLMAN

Yeah, that Pat Tillman. The Arizona Cardinals DB was a rising star only four years into his career. However, the 2001 season was marred by the September 11 terror attacks, which motivated Tillman. In 2002, the 25-year-old decided to leave the NFL and enlist in the U.S. Army. Tragically, Tillman was killed by friendly fire in Afghanistan in 2004, with the details, coverage, and controversy surrounding the Army’s handling of his death being topics which are definitely not going to be discussed in this newsletter. 

10. ROBERT SMITH

2000 was an high point for the Minnesota Vikings, and it was thanks in large part to Robert Smith. In his eighth season, Smith had tallied 1,521 rushing yards, the most in his career and the most of anyone in the NFC. However, despite Minnesota reaching the NFC Championship Game and millions of dollars clearly in his future, the 28-year-old Smith hung up his cleats to avoid serious injuries and pursue a career in medicine. He’s also done broadcasting work for both NFL and CFB. Also, this situation is so Vikings. 

9. TIKI BARBER

Holder of 22 New York Giants records, including most rushing attempts, rushing yards, and all-purpose yards, Tiki Barber called it a career in 2006, citing injury concerns and a desire to get into broadcasting. There was also an ongoing dispute with the team over the 31-year-old’s role in the offense versus that of Eli Manning. Anyway, Barber joined NBC’s Today and Football Night in America before leaving his pregnant wife for an intern. The Giants, meanwhile would win Super Bowl XLII the year after Barber retired.  

8. EARL CAMPBELL

Did you know Earl Campbell only played eight seasons in the NFL? It kind of makes sense, considering he had such a hard-hitting running style that he would be suspended for a year in today’s game. Anyway, the 31-year-old Campbell retired during the 1986 preseason, feeling he had taken too much of a toll during his career. That logic seemed to be reasonable to pretty much everyone except for New Orleans Saints head coach Jim Mora, who said he planned on Campbell being his starting RB that season.

7. LYNN SWANN

Arguably the most accomplished player on this list, Lynn Swann won four Super Bowls, a Super Bowl MVP award, Pro Bowl and All-Pro nominations, and the Man of the Year award during nine seasons with the Pittsburgh Steelers. Perhaps that’s what why the 30-year-old retired in his prime. He’s done a few things in his post-NFL life, becoming an accomplished broadcaster for ABC, diving into successful business ventures, and being named Chairman of the President’s Council on Physical Fitness and Sports. 

6. ROB GRONKOWSKI

While Rob Gronkowski’s retirement was certainly expected, it was also wasn’t too much of a surprise. Arguably the greatest TE of all time while healthy, Gronk was seldom just that. While he won Super Bowls and set scoring and receiving records on the field, he often dealt with a number of arm, leg, and back injuries throughout his career. So, when the 29-year-old Gronk announced his retirement via Instagram this past March, everyone understood. It’s kind of like Luck, except Gronk actually won some trophies. 

5. ANDREW LUCK

Speaking of Andrew Luck, injuries, a poor support cast, and overall lack of team success (just one AFC Championship Game appearance) have taken away from how much of a generational talent he truly was. A threat with both his arms and legs, Luck set several passing records for rookies and players in their early seasons. He clearly still had it, setting the mark for most passing yards and TDs in a final season. However, the 29-year-old decided (rightfully) life outside of football was much more important. 

4. PATRICK WILLIS

In the first half of this decade, the San Francisco 49ers had the best defense in football. Patrick Willis was arguably the biggest reason, as one of the best (if not the best) LBs on planet Earth. In his eight seasons in the NFL, Willis made the Pro Bowl in seven of them, finishing on either the first (five times) or second (twice) team All-Pro list. It seemed he would be in the debate for best LB ever when his career ended. However, no one expected the 30-year-old to call it quits in 2015, after a toe injury derailed his final season. 

3. CALVIN JOHNSON

Now we enter the Detroit Lions block of this list. Calvin Johnson did a bit more in his career than the walrus the Oakland Raiders drafted over him, becoming the best WR of his generation and setting several NFL records, including Jerry Fucking Rice’s single-season reception yards mark. Megatron was literally unguardable, often beating even triple coverage. But he was a member of the Lions, so the 30-year-old hung it up after being tired of being rewarded for his hard work with nothing but misery. He wasn’t the first to do so.

2. BARRY SANDERS

The OG generational talent wasted by the Lions, Barry Sanders was fucking incredible. He was impossible to tackle, quite durably, and legendarily productive. Sanders made the Pro Bowl and either the first or second team All-Pro rosters in each of his ten NFL seasons. In 1997, he rushed for 2,053 yards and won league MVP honors. Because the Lions can’t have nice things, the 31-year-old retired in 1999 while within grasp of the all-time rushing record. Sanders is arguably the best player never to reach the Super Bowl.

1. JIM BROWN

Jim Brown was on top of the world in 1966. The 30-year-old had shattered most NFL rushing records and led the league in both yards and TDs the previous season. He was filming The Dirty Dozen when production delays meant he would be late for training camp. Cleveland Browns owner and noted asshole Art Modell threatened to fine Brown $1,500 for every week he missed. So, Brown just decided to straight up retire, bringing the career of arguably the greatest football player ever to an abrupt and strange end.

STAT OF THE WEEK

You can also add Tom Brady, who not only outlasted his longtime arch rival, Peyton Manning, but also the QB picked to replace him. Stupid Patriots dark magic voodoo bullshit.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

I really don’t want to keep being pessimistic about the Raiders. Hard Knocks got me somewhat hopeful, which I knew would happen. I’m trying to temper my expectations, but sometimes my fandom gets the best of me. I even drafted Antonio Brown on one of my leagues! The start of the season is a clean slate, so why shouldn’t we do well.
Then the roster finalization period ended, leaving me wondering what the hell my team was doing. Most teams these days only keep two QBs. The Raiders kept three: Derek Carr (duh), Mike Glennon (mediocre at best), and Nathan Peterman (literally the worst QB ever to play in the NFL). A big surprising, sure. But nothing truly shocking. For some reason, Oakland then went on to claim DeShone Kizer (starter in all but one game for the 0-16 Cleveland Browns). I know Jon Gruden loves QBs, but those last three names aren’t as good as Carr combined. I know Peterman is going on IR, but even then there are still too many QBs. Plus, you can only play one QB at once, in contrast to, let’s say, multiple LBs at once.
Speaking of, how many LBs do the Raiders have on the roster? Four. How in the everloving fuck does this logic make sense? In no circumstance is having the same amount of QBs as LBs a good thing. You either have too many QBs or too few LBs. In this case, it’s both. But it’s not like defense was a massive liability for Oakland last season, particularly after trading away the team’s best defensive player who happens to be, you guessed it, A FUCKING LINEBACKER. Did a LB sleep with Gruden’s wife or something? I’m aware this all comes almost exactly one year after the Khalil Mack trade, which is just lovely. Fucking hell. We’re going to have to go scorched earth on offense in order to make the playoffs, aren’t we? Good thing we have Antonio Brown…

.. God fucking damn it.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 5, 1994, two of the NFL’s greatest players of all time swapped places on one of football’s most prestigious lists. Entering the 1994 season, Jerry Rice had 124 TDs to his name, good enough for third on the all-time list for non-QBs behind Walter Payton (125) and Jim Brown (126). The San Francisco 49ers opened up the season with a showdown against the Los Angeles Raiders on Monday Night Football, providing ample motivation for Rice to make history at home. Rice struck early when Steve Young hit him with a 69-yard TD pass, putting him into a tie with Payton. But while the 49ers kept rolling to a 30-14 lead midway through the 4th quarter, Rice had been held in check. That changed with, of all things, a 23-yard reverse hand-off which drew Rice even with Brown atop the mountain and put San Francisco up 37-14. At that point, 49ers head coach George Seifert removed the first team offense. However, with the game winding down, he gave Rice one chance to break the record in front of the home crowd. Once chance was all Rice needed, leaping over defenders to snag a 38-yard pass in the endzone. As Rice stood up, he was the NFL’s new king of TDs, with 127. His team’s performance kept going throughout the season, with San Francisco winning Super Bowl XXIX a few months later and Rice scoring a few more TDs before he retired. A few other players have since passed Brown, with Emmitt Smith now second on the all-time TD list with 175. However, Rice still stands strong with a stagger 208. I don’t think anyone’s catching him

.THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1996 — Hurricane Fran makes landfall in North Carolina as a Category 3 storm, eventually killing 27 people and causing billions of dollars in damage.
• 1995 — Cal Ripken Jr. plays in his 2,130th consecutive game, tying Lou Gehrig’s MLB record (which he would break the following day).
• 1977 — NASA launches the Voyager 1 spacecraft, which continues to explore deep space to this day and is the most distant man-made object from Earth.
• 1975 — Lynette Fromme unsuccessfully attempts to assassinate President Gerald Ford during a visit to Sacramento’s Capitol Park.
• 1972 — The Munich Massacre begins, with 11 Israeli team members and a West German police officer being taken hostage and later killed by the Palestinian terror group Black September at the Summer Olympics.
• 1960 — Cassius Clay wins the gold medal in the light heavyweight boxing division at the Summer Olympics in Rome.
• 1918 — The National Anthem is played before Game 1 of the World Series, the first time it had been performed at a professional sporting event. Due to the “Work or Fight” order issued about World War I, this is the only World Series played entirely in September. There is something else significant about this World Series, but I forget.
• 1906 — The first ever legal forward pass in American football history is thrown by Bradbury Robinson of St. Louis University in a 22–0 win over Carroll College.
• 1882 — Premier League soccer club Tottenham Hotspur is founded Hotspur F.C. 
• 1882 — The first U.S. Labor Day parade is held in New York City.
• 1781 — The Battle of the Chesapeake, one of the most crucial naval battles in the Revolutionary War, takes place. The British Navy is repelled by the French Navy, contributing to the British surrender at Yorktown, which would lead to the eventual British surrender and American victory.
• 1774 — The first Continental Congress assembles in Philadelphia.
• 1698 — Tsar Peter I of Russia imposes a tax on beards for all men except the clergy and peasantry, in an effort to Westernize his nobility.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1986 — Colt McCoy, Washington Redskins QB and former collegiate star at Texas. 
• 1951 — Michael Keaton, Golden Glove-winning actor and former Batman.
• 1946 — Freddie Mercury, singer/songwriter, frontman of Queen, and one of the most iconic musicians of all time.
• 1940 — Raquel Welch, actress/singer and one of the most iconic sex symbols of the 21st century.
• 1847 — Jesse James, infamous American outlaw.
• 1638 — King Louis XIV of France, the longest-reigning monarch of a sovereign country in European history.

That’s it. There are no other September 5 birthdays which are notable to us.

DEATHS:

• 1997 — Mother Teresa, nun, missionary, saint, and Nobel Peace Prize recipient.
• 1970 — Jochen Rindt, Formula 1 driver who would become the only person to win the World Championship posthumously.
• 1877 — Lakota war chief Crazy Horse, one of the most iconic resistance figures in American history. 

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Cheese Pizza Day! As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a simple man. Give me some high quality cheese, dough, and tomato sauce and I’m satisfied. In an era where people want to pile so much shit on a pizza and essentially turn it into a messy, less structurally integral version of a sandwich, the classic is good enough for me. 

Also, it’s time for a revamped segment! I figured why look for crazy stuff on the internet in my spare time when I already do that for a living! I run a lot of fun/interesting/weird/crazy/random stories during my show (M-F at 5 a.m. on FOX40! Watch, you bastards!), so I’ll be picking my favorite over the past week to share with you all. What better to start with than…

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

MAID OF HONOR SHOWS UP TO SISTER’S WEDDING IN T-REX COSTUME

OMAHA, Neb. – When Christina Meador was asked to be the maid of honor at her sister’s wedding in Nebraska, she was told she could wear whatever she wanted, so naturally she showed up in a giant inflatable dinosaur costume.

Meador said a year prior to the wedding, her sister asked her to be the maid of honor and also added that she could choose her own outfit.

“I offered numerous chances to change her mind and she wanted me to go for it,” said Meador.

READ MORE

Fucking millennials…

2019 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Taylor: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss $40

Richard $40

Nick: $40

Jimmy: $40

Tyler G: $40

Arik: $40

Riez: $0

Tyler E: $0

Dad: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

JOP SUEY!!! VS. NAME TBD

In an interesting twist, the champions begin their title defense against last year’s worst team. Name TBD is looking to come out firing with the same tried and true method of winning: a power running game. Dalvin Cook, Mark Ingram, and  Phillip Lindsay look to be Kyle’s four horsemen of the apocalypse (along with DeAndre Hopkins), with Cam Newton being the honorary fifth horse with the power of stupid outfits. The RB trio should steamroll their way through their opponents, though Newton and Hopkins might have a tougher time. Last year could not have been tougher for Jop Suey!!!, which only won one goddamn game in 2018. Taylor is hoping to ride some key players from fellow non-playoff teams who (like Taylor) are trying to bounce back from down season. Aaron Rodgers, Nick Chubb, Josh Jacobs, Kenny Golladay, and Calvin Ridley line Taylor’s roster, which is headlined by the ever-productive Michael Thomas. But what’s this? Kyle actually picked up a defense?!? The world is coming to an end. 

ORCHIDS OF ASIA VS. THREE EYED RAVENS

Nothing like an early-season showdown between Orchids of Asia and Three Eyed Ravens to determine who gets shit talking rights during Emilio’s Vegas bachelor party trip. I still have no idea why the hell Ewing drafted three QBs, but I am a little worried about facing Baker Mayfield. Along with Mayfield, Ewing’s lineup is pretty top heavy, with Adam Thielen and Juju-Smith Schuster anchoring a strong WR corps and Marlon Mack leading the backfield. However, the bottom half of the roster isn’t too scary, particularly the paper-thin Chiefs defense against Jacksonville. Now it’s the Chiefs offense I’m afraid of… (realizes I have the Jaguars defense) GOD DAMN IT! Looks like I’m gonna need my big names to have big days. Deshaun Watson looks to light it up this season (if he doesn’t die behind his o-line), while Julian Edelman (please be healthy), George Kittle (please don’t suck), and T.Y. Hilton (please don’t such, Jacoby) have some big questions surrounding them. I’m gonna have to rely on Christian McCaffrey, aren’t I?

DARTH RAIDER VS.  C’S CHAMPION TEAM

Another interesting matchup, last year’s No. 1 overall seed (before choking in the first round of the playoffs) welcomes the league’s newest team back into the fold. Darth Raider got the first pick in the draft as well, so maybe the number 1 will be a theme for Arik this year. It seems one team will have a big part in how his season will go: Kansas City. Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce lead the attack, with the likes of Ben Roethlisberger, Robert Woods, Chris Carson, and Saquon Barkley backing them up. Austin Ekeler can also prove to be quite useful depending on how long it takes for the Melvin Gordon situation to be resolved (more on that later). As for C’s Champion Team, there is a silver lining in the whole choking thing. Kyle choked as the No. 1 seed two years ago, then won the whole thing last year. Chriss and his unintentionally autodrafted lineup have a tough road ahead of them, with Julio Jones and David Johnson leading the fight. Chriss can also count on Kyler Murray to do wel — sorry I can’t even finish that sentence.

49ERS VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS

These past two weeks have been… eventful for the 49ers roster. Gee might’ve actually had an aneurysm on August 24th, when both Andrew Luck (retirement) and Lamar Miller (torn ACL) were suddenly not available for the rest of the year. Let’s all take a moment to reflect on how incredible this is. Anyway, Gee got a little bit of karma back when Ezekiel Elliott agreed to his new contract, aligning with Joe Mixon to be the determining factor in whether or not Gee can salvage his season. That, along with Jared Goff and Brandin Cooks not having a Super Bowl loser’s hangover, as well as Keenan Allen actually staying healthy. Opposing him is the Krispy Kritters, which boasts a solid if not spectacular lineup. Richard lucked into Alvin Kamara with the second pick, while adding Russell Wilson, Zach Ertz, Sterling Shepard, Allen Robinson, and Sony Michel. While Wilson and Ertz should be sure bets for nice seasons, the other three will likely need to put together some success in order to propel Richard back to the playoffs. 

GRUDEN GRINDERS VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS

Holy shit the first half of that pic might be the most terrifying thing I’ve ever made. But that’s not the only reason the person involved is scary. Gruden Grinders had a great draft, and hopes to get off to a great start tonight when Mitch Trubisky, Davante Adams, and Aaron Jones kick off the season. If those three don’t do too well, Jimmy can fall back on his solid RB corps of Devonta Freeman and James Conner, as well as a Chargers defense that gets to take advantage of a Colts offense trying to figure out how to exist in Year 1 A.L. (After Luck). The Footballdamus roster as a whole also has a lot of questions surrounding them. While a decent QB as a whole, Tom Brady sometimes doesn’t put up great fantasy numbers. Both Todd Gurley and Leonard Fournette are coming off injuries, while Jarvis Landry’s production might be diminished by OBJ’s arrival. Then there’s Antonio Brown. Enough said. While Riez could potentially have a great week (and season), there’s equal potential for things to go terribly wrong. 

SLEEPING GIANTS VS. DIXIE NORMOUS

If you felt like last year’s Super Bowl would’ve been much better if Pat Mahomes and Drew Brees’ teams had made it instead, do I have some news for you! You can see basically the same thing when Sleeping Giants (Mahomes) and Dixie Normous (Brees) face off this weekend! Of course, it’s not just about the QBs (even those taken with the fifth overall pick). Nick’s roster has a few notable names, like OBJ, LeVeon Bell, Stefon Diggs, and Kyle Rudolph. There will be some questions on how they deal with new homes/Kirk Cousins as their QB, but Nick’s squad still looks solid. Now apart from Mahomes, Dad’s lineup has guys like… Amari Cooper? Josh Bordon? Kenny Stills? Damien Williams? That’s gonna be a yikes from me, dog. When your defense (Bears) is the second-best option on your roster, you’re gonna have a bad time. They did work for me last year, but I also had Michael Thomas and Cam Newton (who I did not pick in the first round). Some Top 5 talent probably would’ve been a big help.

ONE LAST THING

You see that motherfucker on the right? The one with way more hair on his jaw than on top of his head? The one who drafted three goddamn QBs? It’s his birthday today. Happy birthday, Ewing! Can’t wait to catch up with my best friend since the 4th grade while getting unfathomably shitfaced in Vegas!

You see this guy on the right? The one with even less hair on his head who is overly paranoid of flying? The one who took a QB with the fifth overall pick? It was his birthday yesterday. Happy birthday, Dad! Thanks for everything you’ve done for me. I can’t wait to kick your ass in fantasy football yet again this season!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Owner of the sixth-worst work schedule out of all Rosemont residents