Ruben's Writings

On June 9, something I’d wanted for most of my life finally happened: I saw a game at Fenway Park. I’ll spare you yet another retread and instead say something about what happened before Dad and I got to the ball park. I, being the one driving from our AirBNB in Brewster to Boston, happened to miss a pretty big event: that day’s Nintendo Direct, featuring a pair of big Super Smash Brothers Ultimate announcements. The first: Hero, the representative for the popular (in Japan) Dragon Quest series, would be the second DLC character. The second announcement broke just as I parked the car and checked Twitter. While I’ve never played Dragon Quest and didn’t particularly give a shit about Hero, the opposite is true for the second character confirmed that day: Banjo-Kazooie.

And then I lost my shit BEFORE I entered Fenway.

You see, there aren’t too many video games/characters I’m passionate about who aren’t in Smash Bros. (maybe some day, Spyro). The stars of the Banjo-Kazooie franchise, Banjo & Kazooie, were definitely an exception. I loved the N64 game as a kid and picked it up again a few years ago. It’s a fun as hell platformer/collector with a unique premise, challenging levels, fun characters, and amazing music. I honestly don’t know the Banjo-Kazooie wasn’t in Smash Bros. before, but I for sure wasn’t alone in my desire. Banjo-Kazooie topped numerous online polls as the most wanted newcomer for years, and we finally got our dream.

The trailer included a vague “Fall 2019” date as for when Banjo-Kazooie would actually be playable. We figured either late September or early October, but were never given any further hints. That is, until another Nintendo Direct last Wednesday, September 4. Because it happened while I was asleep, I got to wake up to the news: Banjo-Kazooie’s release date was confirmed.

Yep, that same day. As in, Banjo-Kazooie was playable right then. Holy fucking shit.

Of course, I couldn’t play right away, nor could I play the following day, as I was finishing up the goddamn newsletter. But over the weekend? You bet your ass I spent a lot of time getting reacquainted with the bear and bird, who are as fun to play as they ever have been.

So yeah, because I found out too late to change the theme last week, we’re taking a trip to Spiral Mountain today.

Guh huh!

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

NAME TBD (1-0) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (0-1)

134.50 – 105.62

Kyle won and Taylor lost? Well, looks like things haven’t changed at all. Though playing by another name (and any other name would be better than Name TBD), Kyle showed he still manages a high-powered offense centered around a big running game and a hot QB. This year, his RBs corps is centered around on Dalvin Cook and Mark Ingram. The players in purple dropped 24 and 22 points, respectively. As for the hot QB, his name is… Dak Prescott? While he can only play the New York Giants once more, Kyle will take 33 points any day. All of this, combined with DeAndre Hopkins’ 24 points, meant it would take a great effort from Taylor to lose. Such an effort never came, although it wasn’t nothing to sniff at. Josh Jacobs killed it with 23 points (you’ll bet we’ll have more on that later). Michael Thomas and Calvin Ridley also turned in 12-point days. However, Aaron Rodgers was subpar and the Cleveland Browns defense didn’t show up. That’s now 14 losses in Taylor’s last 15 games. Yikes. 

DARTH RAIDER (1-0) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (0-1)

138.04 – 126.12

But Kyle didn’t get the highest score of the week. That honor goes to Darth Raider, whose QB (Ben Roethlisberger) got just ten points and whose top WR (Tyreek Hill) got injured early. Hhow the fuck did this happen? Austin Ekeler. 34 points served on a silver platter thanks to Melvin Gordin’s ongoing holdout. Then, you throw in five other players who scored more than a dozen points — Chris Carson (18), Will Lutz (15), Saquon Barkley (13), Leighton Vander Esch (13), and the Raves defense. That kind of roster consistency centered around a stellar performance gave Arik the opportunity to make one hell of a return. Unfortunately, C’s Champion Team had to be the victim of this offensive onslaught, despite providing one of their own. Derrick Henry dropped an unexpected 27 points, Kyler Murray came back with 22 of his own, while David Johnson (19) and Harrison Butker (17) had nice days as well. Chriss would have won had he faced nine other people. Going back to last year’s first round choke, that’s two straight angry losses for Chriss. 

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (1-0) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-1)

123.10 – 111.10

Imagine being Ewing, watching his beloved Baltimore Ravens eviscerate the Miami Dolphins in franchise record ways (more on that later). The architect of this murder: Lamar Jackson, who had by far his best game as a pro. As Jackson racks up TD after TD, Ewing can only wonder what would’ve happened had he not left Jackson and his 33 points on the Three Eyed Ravens bench. Well, he would’ve won. Marlon Mack (25 points), C.J. Mosley (19 points), and John Brown (18 points) wouldn’t have had their great days wasted. Christian McCaffrey’s 32 points would’ve been canceled out, T.Y. Hilton’s 20-point effort would’ve been an afterthought, and Deshaun Watston’s 31-point comeback-sealing effort would’ve come up short. Orchids of Asia would’ve regretted accidentally drafting the Jaguars defense and their -4 points even more. Instead, the man with three QBs didn’t go for his favorite squad against the worst team in the NFL. Ewing went for Baker Mayfield, his three 4th quarter INTs, and his 12 points. Thanks, Ewing! I’ll take it!

SLEEPING GIANTS (1-0) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-1)

120.92 – 71.30

There are bad ways to start off a season, and then there’s what Dixie Normous did. Nick decided it was time to flash back to his last place finish in 2017. Drew Brees might’ve put up 21 point (though at the expense of Nick’s Texans defense) and LeVeon Bell might’ve added 17 more, but those were the only double digit scorers on his roster. To be fare, not a lot of people would’ve pegged OBJ and Stefon Diggs to have poor results (on top of Kyle Rudolph’s goose egg). However, even if these guys had put up a decent effort, the result would still not have been close to being changed. Sleeping Giants woke up, putting together a nice opening statement. Pat Mahomes (27 points) performed as expected thanks to Sammy Watkins’ awakening. Throw in Amari Cooper (16 points), Greg Zuerlein (15), Josh Gordon (13), and Damien Williams (12), and it was game over pretty quickly. There are problems ahead for that roster, but we’ll get to that later. For now, I’m sure Dad will be content with this Week 1 ass whooping. 

49ERS (1-0) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-1)

86.16 – 85.40

Imagine two marginally better versions of Nick’s roster playing each other. That’s the shitfest we got here. Put it this way: only one player (Keenan Allen) scored more points than Evan Engram (49ers) and Stephen Gostkowski (the Krispy Kritters). Wow. Last year’s championship backfield of Ezekiel Elliott and Joe Mixon put up 13 points combined for Gee, while Jameis Winston reopened his turnover bakery and barely finished with double digits. I’d say Brandon Cooks and the Eagles defense would’ve been better off on the bench, but Gee needed all of those points. That’s because Richard’s roster was somehow worse. Russell Wilson only put up a meager 16 points, and he finished with just one fewer point than Sterling Shepard, Sony Michel, Zach Ertz, Dante Pettis, and the Cowboys defense COMBINED. Alvin Kamara nearly won it for Richard, but the Texans defense limited him to just 16 points — not enough. Here’s the fucked up thing: this was the only matchup with a single-digit margin of victory. We’ve got to do better, guys.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-0) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (0-1)

109.94 – 54.12

No, I said better, not somehow even worse. Jimmy? You okay, man? Do you want to talk about it? Because… I mean holy shit. That was one of the worst performances and biggest ass whoopings in Epic League history. Bobby Wagner (11 points) was the only member of the Gruden Grinders roster to finish in double digits. Now, it’s unlikely the likes of Davonte Adams, James Conner, Devonta Freeman, Mitch Trubisky, Aaron Jones, and the Chargers defense will all be complete shit every time. But man… this was just bad. Also please get better so I (and Yahoo!) don’t look like a moron for saying you had the best draft. All of this utter awfulness meant Footballdamus could cruise to a win by more than doubling up its opponent. Riez’s roster was mixed, with some spots (Delanie Walker and the Vikings defense) scoring a lot and others (Matt Brieda and Aaron Donald) not doing that. But Tom Brady (25 points) led the way, burying an already dead Jimmy way underground the same way he buried the Pittsburgh Steelers.

What’s more, both Brady and Riez’s lineup should get even better next week with the return of Antonio Brown…

… Antonio Brown… 

… Antonio Brown… Antonio Brown… Antonio Brown…

… Antonio Brown… Antonio… Brown…

… Antonio Brown.

That cunt.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 13 ANTONIO BROWN RAIDERS HIGHLIGHTS

Strap yourselves in, boys. Welcome to the Antonio Brown block of the newsletter.

Brown was traded from the Pittsburgh Steelers to the Oakland Raiders on March 9. He was released by the Silver and Black on September 7. In that span of just under four months, Mr Big Chest became one of the most memorable Raiders ever, even though he never played a down for the team. Let’s take a look at Brown’s time in Oakland. This is gonna hurt.

13. ARRIVAL IN OAKLAND

Four days after the trade was announced (and about two weeks after saying he didn’t need to play football unless he wanted to), Brown arrived in Oakland with much fanfare. He also paid a visit to his new QB, stopping by Derek Carr’s house to say hi. Perhaps he was trying to do what he promised in his introductory press conference: “I’m here to elevate everything around me. I’m here to just be a surge of energy, of positivity and good force, a great teammate and to bring out the best of everyone around me. Because we all know it’s not just about me.” Right.

12. STEELERS SHOTS

April is National Couple Appreciation Month, but Brown didn’t get the memo when it came to his old partner in crime. After Juju Smith-Schuster was named 2018 Steelers MVP, Brown reminded the internet about Pittsburgh’s heartbreaking loss to the New Orleans Saints by tweeting that Juju “fumbled the whole post season in the biggest game of the year.” Juju responded by repeating the same advice Brown had tweeted out hours earlier. Brown kept burning bridges by getting into it with former teammate Ryan Clark, who said Brown was “not a good human.” 

11. A BUNCH OF HOT AIR

Last year, Brown showed up to Steelers training camp in a helicopter. Naturally, Mr. Big Chest had to make everything bigger. So, he arrived to Raiders training camp in Napa Valley via hot air balloon. “This camp is so important for this team because it’s a lot at stake,” Brown said that day. “We kind of have to develop our identity. I think it all starts there with the commitment from guys there and everyone there understanding the reason we there and why they’re putting their hand in the pile to make the Raiders great again. It starts today.” Again, right. 

10. FROZEN FEET

This is when the cracks began to form, not just in Brown’s relationship with the Raiders, but in his feet as well. Brown had traveled to France to undergo cryotherapy. However, he did not put on the proper footwear, leaving his feet with “extreme frostbite.” Brown posted a picture of his fucked up feet, which grossed everyone out. As a result of his severely burned yet overly frozen feet, Brown would miss significant time at the start of training camp. It would be first time head coach Jon Gruden and GM Mike Mayock would be frustrated by a lack of Brown.  

9. HELMETGATE, PART I

From toe to head, the next controversy would come just a week after the frozen feet. Brown filed a grievance against the NFL over for him not being allowed to wear his favorite helmet, the Schutt Air Advantage, which was not compliant with league standards and had not been manufactured since 2011. Brown was so passionate about his fight for his right to wear his helmet, he asked fans to send him helmets and even threatened to retire if his appeals fell on deaf ears. Unfortunately for Brown, the NFL rejected his helmet grievance.

8. ALL-IN OR ALL-OUT

At this point, Mayock was getting pretty annoyed with Brown missing so much of training camp. On August 18, Mayock issued a challenge to his embattled WR, for whom he said the team had “pretty much exhausted all avenues of relief.” He said it was time for Brown to “be all-in or all-out.” The GM-player relationship would not improve from their. Amid Brown’s earlier threat to retire, this marked the first time the discussion of whether or not Brown would actually play for the Raiders — and if the team would either trade or straight up cut him — really began. 

7. HELMETGATE, PART 2

Literally the next day, Brown filed a second helmet grievance against the NFL, saying all of his new helmet options obstructed his view. Surprisingly, the NFL was not swayed by his protests, rejecting his grievance for the second time in a month’s span. As it turns out, there would not be a third legal action, at least not in terms of helmets. On September 4, Brown announced via Instagram he would wear the Xenith Shadow helmet for the season and that the helmet drama was over. Unfortunately for the Silver and Black, the real drama was just beginning. 

6. FINE-ALLY

Raiders fans had hours to relax before Brown posted to social media that he had been fined nearly $54,000 for missing time from training camp and practice due to the above mentioned helmet saga. In the letter, which Brown put on Instagram, Mayock cited specific parts of the CBA to justify this perfectly legal and anticipated move. The post came with the caption “When your own team want to hate but there’s no stopping me now devil is a lie. Everyone got to pay this year so we clear.” Whatever the hell that means. Anyway, Brown was pissed. 

5. CONFRONTING THE “CRACKER”

The next day, Brown, displeased with being fined, confronted Mayock at practice, and things got ugly. Among the reported details: Brown threatened to punch Mayock in the face, called him a “cracker” (which Brown later denied), punted a football, and told Mayock to “fine [him] for that.” Apparently Vontaze Burfict, of all people, was among those trying to separate player and GM. In the immediate aftermath, reports came out that Oakland would suspend Brown for Week 1. Brown also unfollowed both the Raiders and Carr in Instagram, because of course he did. 

4. EMOTIONAL APOLOGY

Suddenly, a complete 180. A day after the confrontation with Mayock, Brown, surrounded by team captains, reportedly issued an “emotional apology” to the team, with the locker room showing him support. He also issued a brief statement to the media afterwards, saying, “Enough talk, man. I’m excited to be out here with my teammates. I’m grateful for all the fans. I’m excited to be a part of the Raiders and see you guys soon.” Once again, right. Still, Gruden said Brown would, in fact, be playing in Week 1, apparently putting an end to the drama.

3. “JUST PLAY FOOTBALL”

Raiders fans, again, felt good for a few hours before Brown posted a video to his YouTube channel. The video, designed to “control his own narrative,” shows Brown working out and spending time with his family, with audio from an apparent phone call with Gruden, who at one point says “please stop this shit and just play football.” It’s unlikely that Gruden consented to being recorded, which means Brown could be in huge trouble under California law. But, he apparently thought the video was “awesome.” If I wasn’t at work, I would’ve started drinking.

2. BYE, FELICIA

The following morning, the Raiders fined Brown over $215K for conduct detrimental to the team (related to the Mayock confrontation), voiding the nearly $30M in guaranteed money they owed him. They also told him he would no longer be eligible for termination pay if they released him. Brown quickly took to social media, demanding he be released. So, the Raiders made his wish come true, cutting the highest paid WR in football just THREE DAYS after the apparent end of Helmetgate. And so the Antonio Brown era came to an end for the Oakland Raiders.

1. ONE LAST MIDDLE FINGER

But because Antonio Brown is a petulant child, he couldn’t let things end there. Shortly after his release, Brown posted another video, this one showing his reaction to being cut by the Raiders. In the video, Brown runs around his backyard like a kid finding out he got a Nintendo Switch for Christmas and calls his grandmother to hell her he’s “free.” Because being given a massive contract and having your team hold you accountable for basic shit despite bending over backwards to deal with all of your shenanigans is like fucking slavery.

So, to recap:

Remember my all-time NFL WR diva rankings? Antonio Brown was 4th on that list, closely behind Keyshawn Johnson, Chad Johnson, and Terrell Owens. Well, consider this a revision. Brown is now firmly in 2nd place, trailing only Owens. This whole saga has been the diva equivalent of LeBron James beating the 73-win Golden State Warriors to win his third ring. What happened next would be if LeBron and the Cleveland Cavaliers had won back-to-back championships by defeating the Kevin Durant-infused Warriors the following season.

FUCK ANTONIO BROWN

Of course Antonio Brown signed with the New England Patriots. Of fucking course he did. And of course he might’ve pulled a next-level Randy Moss and sought professional help in getting out of Oakland for the team who wanted to trade for him in the first place. Of course he did. And of course a team with a history of doing shady shit might’ve had a hand in Brown assholing himself out of being a Raider for their benefit. Of course they did. And of course the NFL won’t be looking into this because they hate the Raiders. Of course they won’t.

As a Sacramento Kings fan who saw Game 7 in 2002 in person and a Boston Red Sox fan who remembers the Curse of the Bambino era and a San Jose Sharks/Philadelphia Flyers fan who still has PTSD over the 2016 Stanley Cup Final, it takes a lot for someone who’s never played for my teams’ arch rivals to join the list of my most hated sports figures (Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O’Neal, Phil Jackson, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Sydney Crosby, Philip Rivers, to name a few). Congrats, Antonio! You’ve got the newest spot in the lineup, you piece of shit drama queen pea brained stupid hair dumb clothes annoying asshole loudmouth lacking in common sense social media whore diva trophyless douchebag motherfucker.

I’d go harder on the Patriots signing someone who put together arguably the most bizarre individual saga on NFL history so quickly after everything I mentioned above, but the Raiders traded for him in the first place after all of his bullshit in Pittsburgh. I was never a fan of the trade in the first place. Sure, no one could’ve expected what happened, but Oakland also knew what they were getting into. They also employ other players (Richie Incognito) and coaches (Tom Cable) of questionable character. Glass houses and all of that. Plus, this “talent over character” thing is a larger issue in the NFL as a whole. There are plenty of other teams which reward players who’ve allegedly done even worse.

I… I can’t even. I don’t care if the Patriots or the NFL knew about this (but at least they were prepared) or that we should always take allegations of sexual assault by a high-profile celebrity with at least one grain of salt (innocent until proven guilty). This fucking asshole literally cannot go one day without being in the news. The whole confrontation with Mayock broke right before I was about to send last week’s newsletter. I had to change the ending to this segment after learning about these allegations. Brown will probably do some stupid shit in a few hours that’ll invalidate half of what I’ve said in this section anyway. People like this are the hardest to write about because it seems like there’s a new controversy every day or they does something fucked up or dickish like every hour. Brown is second to none at this. Well, maybe second to one person. 

So, for not the first or last time, fuck Antonio Brown. From now on, I’m reserving my Raiders content for players who actually want to wear the Silver and Black and think of much more than just themselves, but the team as a whole.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Well, that was some much needed catharsis. In front of a raucous crowd which felt theexactsameway as I did in the last home opener in Oakland, a galvanized Raiders beat up on the rival Denver Broncos to start 2019 off with a bang. Derek Carr and new No. 1 WR Tyrell Williams looked good, Josh Jacobs was the best non-Hollywood Brown (more on that later) rookie of the week, and the offensive line didn’t give up a single sack against a defense led by Von Miller and Bradley Cubb, which is simply astonishing.

 I’m going to look past the negatives I saw because, simply put, we needed this win, which was all that mattered. 

While the Raiders did get the win, they picked up some bumps and bruises which will be detrimental to keeping up this hot start. Johnathan Abram is on the IR with a shoulder injury. Gareon Conley appears to be okay after being stretchered off the field, but it’s always good to be cautious with head injuries. The defense will likely suffer a bit because of this, so hopefully we don’t immediately play a team with a strong offense.

… God fucking damn it.

STAT OF THE WEEK

I’ll get back to football in a minute, because this by far the most insane sport-related stats I saw this week. I don’t even follow tennis (or watch the sport outside of occasional major final). Even so, I find this incredible, so let’s dive in.

You know how in the NBA, only like five or six teams have a realistic shot at even making the championship game/series? While parity is pretty slim, the rate of turnover is still pretty high. For example, just a few years ago the elite consisted of the Warriors, Spurs, Rockets, Celtics, and Cavaliers/Heat. Only these teams could honestly win it all, and even then those boiled down to the Warriors and whoever had LeBron. Going into this season, only the Rockets remain on the list, which now includes the Clippers, lakers, Bucks, and 76ers. My point of this: even though only the elite can win it all, the elite themselves see a fair amount of turnover. 

This is in part because of just how much turnover teams can go through every season, from players to coaches to executives and beyond. The more people, the more possibility for volatility. When it comes to individual sports, periods of dominance can extend a little bit more if you have a particularly great athlete. But even those only last around 6-7 years. Tigers Woods had a two-year gap between major wins during his prime. Georges St. Pierre, Anderson Silva, and Demetrious Johnson only fought 3-4 times a year during their lengthy reigns as UFC champions. Even the great champions of women’s tennis (with the exception of Serena Williams) bowed to this 6-7 year timeline, and Serena hasn’t won a major in nearly three years. 

Then there’s men’s tennis. Below is a list of every major champion since 2004. 

Of those 64 major tournaments, just three names — Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal, Novak Djokovic — appear 54 times. Three men have won roughly 85% of all grand slams in the past 16 seasons. That’s fucking insane. They remain dominant over everyone else, even though winning started a long time ago. Federer won his first grand slam in 2004. Nadal claimed his in 2005 and finally proved he can win on a non-clay surface in 2008. That same year, Djokovic rose the ranks to get a major victory. Since then, these three have won more grand slams than any other player in history. Even when they don’t win, they come pretty damn close, often getting in each other’s way. Of those 64 finals, only three didn’t feature one of the three kings, with 22 of them being a matchup of two of the three players. Keep in mind, these are all major championships. Imagine all of the minor tournaments these guys have dominated as well. 

Their dominance doesn’t appear to be stopping. Either Federer, Nadal, or Djokovic have won each of the last 12 grand slams. Djokovic, 32, is the current No. 1 and winner of four of the last six majors. Nadal, 33, just won two of three and is now one back of Federer’s all-time grand slam mark. Federer, his era as unquestioned ruler long over, still won three majors in 2017-18. In the 2010’s, only six players won a major, by far the lowest number of any decade since there were four major tournaments being held (the next closest decade, the 1920’s, had 11). Even other big names like Andy Murray and Stan Wawrinka haven’t been able to put a significant dent against them. But it wasn’t their job. That was the job of the next generation.

For reasons way beyond my tennis comprehension, there has been a so-called “lost generation” in regards to men’s tennis. There is always the next group of stud athletes to take the reigns, and age eventually catches up to everyone. While no one could expect the big three to just stop winning, they were no way supposed to still be doing what they’re doing. These guys just happen to literally be the three greatest players of all time, so it’s no wonder why they’re this good. But their winning started early. Nadal won the 2005 French Open just after his 19th birthday. A year after losing the 2007 U.S. Open to Federer, a 20-year-old Djokovic claimed the 2008 Australian Open crown. Federer was the only one who could legally drink in the U.S. when at age 21 he won his first major, which happened to be the 2003 Wimbledon Championships in England so it didn’t matter.   

All this being said, there may be hope for the young guns in the future. 28-year-old Milos Raonic took part in one of the few major finals which didn’t feature the big three, losing to Andy Murray at Wimbledon in 2016. 26-year-old Dominic Thiem may prove to be Nadal’s successor on clay, but the current king has whooped his ass in the past two French Open finals. Just this past weekend, 23-year-old Daniil Medvedev took Nadal to five sets before falling in a razor-thin U.S. Open final. With the next major not happening until 2020, 90’s kids have come close, but ultimately not close enough, to breaking through that major glass window.

Which brings me back to the original stat. One day before Medvedev’s oh so close brush with history, Bianca Andreescu made some of her home. While men’s tennis has the big three, women’s tennis only has Serena. While she may be the GOAT, she could not hold off the next generation by herself. Across the last 12 majors, only two people (Simona Halep and Naomi Osaka) have won multiple finals, and only two champions (Serena and Angelique Kerber) were in their 30’s. We also saw the first ever Danish, Lithuanian, Japanese, and Canadian champions. This is the kind of youth movement and parity we should be seeing in the men’s game, if not for three freaks of nature and a lost generation. But what Andreescu did made that difference historically apparent. Not only is she the first person from Canada to win a tennis major, the 19-year-old became the first player born in the 2000’s to win a major tournament, in case you weren’t all feeling like underachievers already. 

But the men may hit that 90’s milestone sooner than you’d think. Medvedev, after all, came inches away one day after Andreescu’s breakthrough and probably has the best shot at it. He also happened to beat 28-year-old Grigor Dimitrov in the semi-finals, where he’s finished in three of the four majors. If Nadal gets hurt again, Thiem may finally seize the French Open throne. 21-year-old Stefanos Tsitsipas is also a rising star. As for the 2000’s looming in the review mirror, perhaps we here in the Capitol City can lead the way. 18-year-old Sacramento native Jenson Brooksby beat 2010 Wimbledon finalist Tomáš Berdych in the first round of this past U.S. Open before falling in a hard-fought second round match in a section Medvedev himself had to fight hard to win. All they have to get through are the three most dominant men ever to pick up a tennis racket. 
Anyway, back to football and a different kind of dominance.

It’s Thursday, but I don’t think Ewing’s erection still has gone down from watching his Baltimore Ravens put on a historic offensive display (those words felt weird to type in relation to the Ravens). Yes, this all came against the worst team in the league: the openly taking Miami Dolphins. Still, few NFL teams have ever been ragdolled as badly as the Dolphins were on Sunday. In total, Baltimore scored 42 first half points, ended the game with 59 points, and put up 643 yards of total offense, all franchise records. Leading the way was Lamar “Not Bad for a RB” Jackson, who silenced any and all critics who said he was a legs-first player. With only six rushing yards all game, Jackson threw for a career high 324 yards with a 17/20 completion rate (the 85% being a franchise record). He also threw more TDs (five) than incomplete passes (three). He finished with a perfect 158.3 passer rating, the first time a Ravens QB has ever done so. He also had 33 fantasy points sitting on Ewing’s bench. Jackson’s biggest weapon: Marquise “Hollywood” Brown, who Gee, Kyle, Taylor, and Jimmy will now fight to the death over. Brown’s first two NFL catches were TDs of 47 and 83 yards, as he finished with 147 yards on just four receptions. But be careful, with a name like Brown (yes, he’s Mr. Big Chest’s cousin) and skills like that, it’s only a matter of time before he slithers his way to the Patriots.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 12, 1976, NFL regular season football kicked off in the Pacific Northwest. Along with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (we’ll get to them next week), the Seattle Seahawks joined the league as an expansion franchise. Tens of thousands of fans packed the Kingdome for Week 1 home opener against the St. Louis Cardinals. Unfortunately, Seattle and their fans had a heavy heart going into the game. Just months earlier, team owner 

Lloyd Nordstrom, who had been instrumental in bringing football to Seattle, died from a heart attack while vacationing in Mexico. As for the action itself, the Seahawks rallied to cut a 30-10 4th quarter deficit to 30-24. However, Jim Zorn’s last-ditch pass was intercepted in the endzone to give St. Louis the win. Interestingly, today is also a special anniversary from those same Cardinals, who 12 years later would find themselves moving to the desert. On September 12, 1988, the Phoenix Cardinals took the field for the first time in Arizona for a Week 2 showdown with the Dallas Cowboys. Like their current NFC West foes, the Cardinals fought back in the 4th quarter but ultimately lost 17-14. Since Seattle’s entrance into the league, there have been personnel chances, divisional realignment, and franchise relocations. Through it all, the Seahawks and Cardinals have formed a rivalry where both teams have been largely terrible, but the action has been intense. Today, both are marking important anniversaries.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2011 — The National September 11 Memorial & Museum opens in New York City.
• 1992 — NASA launches Space Shuttle Endeavor on the agency’s 50th shuttle mission, which had the first African-American woman in space (Mae Carol Jemison), the first Japanese citizen to fly in a U.S. spaceship (Mamoru Mohri), and the first married couple in space (Mark Lee and Jan Davis) on board.
• 1990 — The U.S., U.K., Soviet Union, and France sign the Treaty on the Final Settlement with Respect to Germany, renouncing all rights they had in East and West Germany and paving the way for the reunification of Germany.
• 1984 — New York Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden sets the MLB record for most strikeouts by a rookie pitcher in a single season, with 276.
• 1962 — President John F. Kennedy delivers his “We choose to go to the Moon” speech at Rice University.
• 1959 — Bonanza, the first regularly scheduled T.V. program presented in color, premieres on NBC.
• 1958 — Jack Kilby demonstrates the first working integrated circuit at Texas Instruments.
• 1953 — Then-U.S. Senator John F. Kennedy marries Jacqueline Lee Bouvier.
• 1885 — Arbroath defeats Bon Accord 36-0 in the Scottish Cup, the most lopsided scoreline in a competitive professional soccer game. There was a 2002 match in Madagascar in which AS Adema beat SO l’Emyrne 149-0, but that was a thrown game. 
• 1848 — A new constitution marks the establishment of Switzerland as a federal state.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1989 — Andrew Luck, former Indianapolis Colts QB. That felt so weird to type. 
• 1986 — Alfie Allen, actor best known as Theon Greyjoy on Game of Thrones.
• 1986 — Emmy Rossum, actress best known as Fiona Gallagher on Shameless. When you’re off work and have spare time, do a Google search. Trust me. 
• 1981 — Jennifer Hudson, singer/actress and winner of American Idol season 3.
• 1980 — Yao Ming, former NBA player for the Houston Rockets and member of the Basketball HOF.
• 1978 — Ruben Studdard, singer and winner of American Idol season 2.
• 1973 — Paul Walker, actor best known as Brian O’Conner in the Fast and the Furious franchise.
• 1967 — Louis C.K., comedian/actor who probably won’t get invited to speak at any feminist groups anytime soon.
• 1957 — Hans Zimmer, legendary composer who has composed scores for films such as The Lion King, the Pirates of the Caribbean series, Interstellar, Gladiator, Inception, Dunkirk, and the Dark Knight trilogy.
• 1952 — Neil Peart, member of the band Rush and the greatest drummer of all time.
• 1944 — Barry White, iconic singer/songwriter.
• 1913 — Jesse Owens, legendary American track and field athlete and four-time Olympic gold medalist whose performance at the 1936 Summer Olympics in Berlin was a seminal moment in the perception of African-Americans in sports.

DEATHS:

• 2009 — Jack Kramer, tennis champion considered one of the best players in the history of the sport.
• 2008 — David Foster Wallace, novelist and one of the most influential and innovative writers in recent memory.
• 2003 — Johnny Cash, legendary singer/songwriter who knew a thing or two about Folsom Prison. 

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Video Games Day! How fitting! Two of the first three newsletters this year (and three of the past seven overall) have had some kind of video game-related theme. I’ve been playing a lot more lately, which may be resulting from my worsening sleep schedule, it being too hot to do anything outside, and me becoming single again. 

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

WAFFLES AND HEMINGWAY, MINI HORSE AND GOOSE PAIR, GET NEW HOME

BUCKS COUNTY, Pa. — A miniature horse and goose, who are best buddies and spent their days together at the Bucks County, Pennsylvania SPCA, have found a forever home.

Waffles, a six-year-old miniature horse, and the goose, Hemingway, were both rescued from the same farm in July.

That’s perhaps what bonded the pair and why they seem to have each other’s backs.

READ MORE

Babe and Ferdinand 2.0.

2019 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Taylor: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss $40

Richard $40

Nick: $40

Jimmy: $40

Tyler G: $40

Arik: $40

Riez: $0

Tyler E: $0

Dad: $0

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. Darth Raider (1-0)
2. Name TBD (1-0)
3. Orchids of Asia (1-0)
4. Sleeping Giants (1-0)
5. Footballdamus (1-0)
6. 49ers (1-0)
7. C’s Champion Team (0-1)
8. Three Eyed Ravens (0-1)
9. Jop Suey!!! (0-1)
10. The Krispy Kritters (0-1)
11. Dixie Normous (0-1)
12. Gruden Grinders (0-1)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Darth Raider (138.04)
2. Name TBD (134.50)
3. C’s Champion Team (126.12)
4. Orchids of Asia (123.10)
5. Sleeping Giants (120.92)
6. Three Eyed Ravens (111.10)
7. Footballdamus (109.94)
8. Jop Suey!!! (105.62)
9. 49ers (86.16)
10. The Krispy Kritters (85.40)
11. Dixie Normous (71.30)
12. Gruden Grinders (54.12)

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

SLEEPING GIANTS (1-0) VS. DARTH RAIDER (1-0)

The only matchup this week between teams with winning records, this one could feature a whole lot of offense. Sleeping Giants has a few players in some fantastic matchups. Pat Mahomes and Damien Williams take on the Raiders (god damn it), though Dad had better hope Mahomes doesn’t look Travis Kelce’s way and give Darth Raider some points. Even if that happens, Dad still has the likes of Josh Gordon against the Dolphins, Kenny Stills against the Jaguars, and Amari Cooper against the Redskins. But as Arik proved last week, he still has plenty of options. He’ll be looking to Austin Ekeler for another stellar performance, Saquon Barkley to do better than last week, and Chris Carson to further tear up an already in shreds Steelers defense. Speaking of defense, both units can supply plenty of offense as well. The Bears (Dad) get to face a Broncos team dominated by the Raiders of all teams. The Ravens (Arik) get to give Kyler Murray a real welcome to the NFL. In all likelihood, this will be a good one. 

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (0-1) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-0)

Speaking of Kyler Murray, his 4th quarter resurgence was a big reason C’s Champion Team kept it close with the highest scoring team last week. To have a chance of bringing his team a win, Murray (and David Johnson) will have to perform well throughout against the… Ravens defense. Good luck, Chriss. Then again, Chriss does have the likes of Julio Jones, Tyler Lockett, and Derrick Henry to fall back on. He’ll also have to hope the Rams defense can hold off a Saints squad hell bent on revenge for last year’s NFC Championship Game bullshit. That goes for Footballdamus’ Todd Gurley on the other side of the ball as well, especially if Leonard Fournette and Matt Brieda have iffy games again or Jarvis Landry and the Browns offense falter further. But who cares about all of that? Tom Brady and his new toy Antonio Brown get to burn the shit out of the worst team in football, and both are on Riez’s roster. That’s just not fair — assuming Brown actually gets on the field. Trust me, it’s not exactly a lock. 

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-1) VS. NAME TBD (1-0)

Name TBD went off last week, and it looks like a repeat performance could be in store. Dak Prescott gets to go up against Washington, while DeAndre Hopkins can take advantage of a depleted Jaguars defense. Plus, we’ll see if Pittsburgh’s offense is really washed up when the Seahawks defense rolls into down. However, Kyle’s running game — a major factor in his roster — could face challenges. Philip Lindsay and Dalvin Cook face the two teams (Bears and Packers) who set offense back 100 years last week, while the low-key good Cardinals defense could limit Mark Ingram. As for the Krispy Kritters, Alvin Kamara could also be held back against the Rams defense. But, Sony Michel should rip the Dolphins apart. Also, remember how the Redskins, Steelers, and Broncos did not fare well last week? They now get to face the Cowboys defense, Russell Wilson, and Allen Robinson — all on Richard’s roster. Richard is also going with the unusual two TE lineup with Zach Ertz and T.J. Hockenson. Talk about old school football.

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (1-0) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-1)

Three players pretty much carried Orchids of Asia to victory last week: Deshaun Watson, T.Y. Hilton, and Christian McCaffrey. While I’m slightly nervous about Hilton, he did well against a Chargers squad superior to the Titans. I’m also thrilled about McCaffrey (Bucs) and Watson (Jaguars), even though I have “Sacksonville.” But wait — a surprise addition! I’ve decided to gamble a little bit on the 49ers defense not being a fluke and the Bengals offense being just that. I also think (or rather hope) Julian Edelman, Tarik Cohen, Khalil Mack, and George Kittle will step up their game. I’d also be nice if the expected Saints-Rams shootout turns out to be a dud and Jacksonville’s offense doesn’t suck. That’s because Dixie Normous happens to have Drew Brees and the Texans defense. Nick, meanwhile, will have an eye on the Jets-Browns game, as he has both OBJ and LeVeon Bell. They’ll likely need to carry the load, because Stefon Diggs, Kyle Rudolph, and Royce Freeman are all facing stout defenses this week.

JOP SUEY!!! (0-1) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-1)

While this is the only matchup between teams with losing records, don’t sleep on this showdown. Both Jop Suey!!! and Three Eyed Ravens put up respectable numbers last week, even with some missteps. It seems Ewing has learned from his errors and inserted Lamar Jackson into his lineup. Doing so would’ve meant a win last week. Tough shit, Ewing! Two players who Ewing got right last week, Adam Thielen and Marlon Mack, will likely have good weeks again. But Ewing will need Juju-Smith Schuster and Jordan Howard to do much better. Meanwhile, Ewing faces questions on defense. The Chiefs could do well against the Raiders, or they could do poorly. Further success could also be determined by C.J. Mosley’s health. Taylor also has questions marks about defense, as who knows how the Browns (including Nick Chubb) will look this week. That same Chiefs defense? Taylor has Josh Jacobs. Aaron Rodgers, Michael Thomas, Jimmy Graham, and Calvin Ridley are also facing strong opponents. Every point will be critical. 

49ERS (1-0) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (0-1)

Speaking of points at a premium… yikes. Nothing like two bottom-third offenses facing off, even if it’s only Week 2. Gruden Grinders truly can’t do worse than they did last week, right? In a move no one saw coming, Jimmy canned the Titty Kisser and inserted Derek Carr, who could do well against the Chiefs defense. The Chargers defense and Bobby Wagner/James Conner should also generate points this week. However, there are some tough matchups for Jimmy. Davonte Adams, Tyler Boyd, Devonta Freeman, and Aaron Jones are facing strong opponents and could leave Jimmy hanging once again. As for the 49ers, it seems the matchup luck is turning in their favor. While Jared Goff’s inconsistency could spell trouble against the angry Saints, Keenan Allen, Sammy Watkins, and Ezekiel Elliott should take advantage of their opponents, though not to the extent as the Patriots defense should feast on the awful Dolphins. Now, if only Gee could add a K, and I’d be more than happy to sign off on his chances of winning.

ONE LAST THING

In case you missed Tuesday’s episode of E:60, Northern California was in the spotlight. In particular, the town of Paradise, which was essentially burned to the ground by last year’s Camp Fire, the deadliest and most destructive wildfire in state history. As we’ve seen in the past (New Orleans for example), sports can help communities rebuild after disaster. But the Saints were composed of pros and in a big city. All Paradise has is a high school football team.  

ESPN’s crew, led by Tom Rinaldi and Russell Dinallo, went to Paradise to track the devastation and how Paradise High School’s football squad proved to be a rallying point, particularly with the Bobcats’ first home game since the flames broke out. You can watch the E:60 piece here. Sorry for the potato quality, but it’s all I could find.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Vice President, Sacramento Chapter, Antonio Brown Hate Club