Ruben's Writings

Good morning, everyone! You might be wondering why the hell I sent this out so early. Well, the answer is simple, and it’s the same as the reason why this might be my last correspondence.
I — along with Jimmy, Ewing, and Chriss — are going to Las Vegas for an extended weekend. For those of you who know our good buddy (and former Epic League member) Emilio, you might not know that he’s getting married next month. Strangely, he actually considers the four of us friends, and good enough friends to name us groomsmen. To honor the end of his non-attached life, the five of us (plus best man Toomey) are going to Sin City for 3-4 days of shenanigans. 

Yeah, we’re going to get legendarily shitfaced. Basically, you can expect something like this.

In this example, Emilio is Doug still on the roof and Toomey is, I don’t know, Mike Tyson?

Anyway… Vegas, baby!

(cue theme music)

Can you guess all of the movies (set in Las Vegas) I used in these pics?

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

DARTH RAIDER (2-0) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (1-1)

118.70 – 82.82

So, Darth Raider’s Week 1 result wasn’t a fluke. In a week of putrid scoring, Arik once again stands tall on top of the pile, even while missing Tyreek Hill. In fact, Hill’s absence might’ve led to Travis Kelce (16 points) doing so well, although that might’ve been more due to the Raiders not being able to cover a TE (more on this game later). Meanwhile, the RB corps of Saquon Barkley (19 points) and Austin Akeler (17 points) continued their strong starts. Add in strong days from Terry McLaurin and Will Lutz (12 points each) and throw a nice effort from Matt Ryan (22 points)  on top, and Arik would’ve been tough to beat on any week. It also helps when Sleeping Giants only has three players score in double digits and their QB get about as many points (31) as seven of the remaining nine roster spots combined. Dad gets mad at me for ragging on his draft selections. But this is what happens when you draft a QB fifth overall! Sure, Pat Mahomes kills it, but the rest of your roster kills your chances at winning. 

NAME TBD (2-0) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-2)

104.96 – 96.30

As bad as last week’s performance was, the Krispy Kritters simply have to be pissed this week. Contending with Name TBD is always a struggle, but it helps when Kyle’s roster is full of hit-or-miss players. One big hit: Dak Prescott. The QB of Richard’s Cowboys dropped 28 points on him (while the Dallas defense only gave him a point). Dalvin Cook (25 points) and Cooper Kupp (12 points) also did well, but that was kind of it for Kyle’s lineup. DeAndre Hopkins, Mike Evans, and Mark Ingram all took steps back, leaving the door open for Richard. However, only Russell Wilson (24 points) and Luke Kuechly (18 points) did really well, as both Alvin Robinson and Alvin Kamara disappointed. Still, Richard could’ve pulled out the victory. But, he opted for a two-TE lineup, and the second player, T.J. Hockenson, put up a goose egg. Had guys like Marquise Goodwin (13 points) and Nelson Agholor (16 points) been in the flex position instead, Richard would’ve actually won. But alas… that scenario is just an “if.”

FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-0) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (0-2)

99.96 – 98.36

Well, this ended up being a hell of a lot closer than I thought it’d be when I went to bed Monday afternoon (fuck my schedule). In the end, it was O.J. Howard and his goose egg who spelled doom for C’s Champion Team. Despite the rough Thursday night start, Chriss fought back, with Derrick Henry (15 points) and Kerryon Johnson (14 points) providing some nice help and Kyler Murray (16 points) doing better than we thought against the Ravens defense. But it was Julio Jones (23 points) who gave Chriss a chance, albeit a slim one. Thanks to Tom Brady (24 points) and his new diva toy Antonio Brown (12 points), as well as the efforts of Matt Brieda (13 points), Todd Gurley (12 points), and Justin Tucker (13 points) Footballdamus was sitting just a couple of points behind entering Monday night with Jarvis Landry still to play. But in true Cleveland Browns fashion, Landry almost fucked it up for Riez. Still, he did just enough for Riez to prevail. It’s another tough break for Chriss, last year’s No. 1 seed who starts 2019 0-2.

DIXIE NORMOUS (1-1) DEF. ORCHIDS OF ASIA (1-1)

82.32 – 65.96

Fuck you this matchup never happened. 

JOP SUEY!!! (1-1) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-2)

108.44 – 81.38

Do my eyes deceive me? Jop Suey!!! has won! And it didn’t take until Week 11! So, how did Taylor do it? Well, he can thank the Three Eyed Ravens for shitting the bed again. While Ewing made the belated switch to Lamar Jackson at QB, those 30 points were by far the most out of anyone in his lineup. In fact, only the Chiefs defense (11 points) scored in double digits. Adam Thielen, Juju smith-Schuster, Marlon Mack, and John Brown did okay, but nothing compared to their potential. It might’ve also helped if Ewing had found a replacement for the injured C.J. Mosley. Even if he had, it likely wouldn’t have mattered. Despite Jimmy Graham putting up a goose egg, most of the rest of Taylor’s roster put together solid performances. Andy Dalton (19 points), Kenny Golladay (18 points), Nick Chubb (16 points), and Calvin Ridley (16 points) led the way, while Michael Thomas, Josh Jacobs, and Roquan Smith also contributing. It’s weird to see Taylor getting some lucky breaks. Is this… optimism I sense? Bizarre…

49ERS (1-1) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (0-2)

118.62 – 87.82

You know the worst part about this loss for Gruden Grinders? They played the 49ers pretty much even at almost every position. Sure, Jared Goff (19 points) outplayed Derek Carr (11 points) and Ezekiel Elliott (18 points) fared much better than James Conner (ten points). But, poor days from Sammy Watkins and Joe Mixon hurt Gee, while nice days from Tyler Boyd, Davante Adams, and Tyrell Williams provided Jimmy with decent backup. However, the one big difference between Jimmy and Gee’s rosters proved to be, well, pretty big. Jimmy’s Rams defense did better than expectations and got eight points. But the 49ers had the Patriots defense… playing the Miami Dolphins… who have Ryan Fitzpatrick as their QB. The end result: 37 points. I mean… holy shit, dude. That difference alone was pretty much the margin of victory for Gee. As he falls to 0-2, Jimmy must really hate the Patriots. I mean, given the whole Antonio Brown thing (as well as the past two decades), he already had plenty of reason to loathe New England.

CHANGING OF THE GUARD?

My great-grandfather (and my namesake) used to say “todo cambio,” which is Spanish for “everything changes.” I’ve used this to get through some major changes in my life, and football fans had better get this mindset ready. Some of this NFL era’s most iconic QBs are getting awfully close to biting the dust. 

Let’s start with the oldest of the bunch: Drew Brees, sidelined for possibly six weeks with a torn ligament in his thumb. For however long he’ll be out, it’ll be bizarre to see the New Orleans Saints starting a short QB who wears #9 and has a scar on his face. While this is obviously not a season-ending injury, it does raise the question of what Brees will look like when he comes back. I mean, he could’ve even grip a football after his injury. He’ll probably be the same old Drew Brees, but Drew Brees is closing in on 41 years of age. Not a lot of QBs can keep going for that long. Will this injury start Drew Brees’ inevitable decline?

While Ben Roethlisberger isn’t quite as old as Brees, he’s still among the oldest NFL QBs and has a worse injury, which put him out for the season. Two things are especially worrying for Pittsburgh Steelers fans. First, while Big Ben has gotten hurt many times before, he’s usually played through the broken bones and bumps and bruises and heaven knows what else has befallen his massive body. It takes something huge to make him miss a game or two, let alone the rest of the year. Second, this was a non-contact injury, the scariest type of injury. While Big Ben says he’ll be ready for next year, the road to recovery from something like this is difficult, even for physical freaks and especially for aging players.

Eli Manning has never been hurt, at least not badly enough to warrant missing a game. The only time he didn’t start in the 261 games since being named the New York Giants’ top QB was when Bob McAdoo made the inexplicable decision to bench Manning in favor of Geno Smith (although since the Raiders won that game I think it was brilliant). But with this week’s demotion to backup in favor of rookie QB Daniel Jones (who looks almost exactly like Eli), it seems Manning’s career might actually be coming to end. In spite of his Super Bowl triumphs over the New England Patriots (again, thank you Eli), Manning’s recent struggles and overall derpiness have overshadowed just how great he was in his prime. Still, this move doesn’t come as a surprise, as those struggles were pretty damn big.

Brees, Roethlisberger, and Manning are part of a generation of QBs who’ve hoisted the Lombardi Trophy, set numerous franchise records, and become an icon to fans of their teams, as well as fans of football. For the first time in a long goddamn time, we’ll see a significant period where none of them are on the field. This is a reminder that everything changes. Hell, there are even rumors ageless wonder (and my struggling K) Adam Vinatieri might call it quits (although those are apparently false). Even so, there’s one thing we should never forget: Father Time comes for us all.

Except apparently that motherfucker in New England. 

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

If you would’ve told me the Oakland Raiders would’ve shut out the Kansas City Chiefs in three of four quarters and scored the first ten points of the game, I would’ve wondered how we would fuck this up. The answer: the 2nd quarter, where Pat Mahomes threw FOUR goddamn TD passes.

I’m not sure why I’m so disappointed. The Chiefs are arguably the best team in the NFL and were supposed to crush the Raiders. Minutes 16-30 aside, the defense did well and, overall, Oakland played above expectations. I don’t even know why I had expectations for this team on Sunday. But still, we could’ve won it! 

I can’t blame the defense, 2nd quarter shitting the bed aside. In limiting the Chiefs to 28 points, they did their job. The offense completely shut off after scoring the first ten points, which is concerning considering this team is build to play with a lead, not from behind. While that OPI call was, indeed, bullshit, it’s concerning Derek Carr and the offense put up worse numbers against the Chiefs at home than the Gardner Minshew-led Jacksonville Jaguars did in Kansas City. No one apart from Tyrell Williams and Josh Jacobs has looked particularly good on offense, even with both of the first two games being played at home.

Well, hopefully we won’t be on the road for too long…

Seriously? The Raiders don’t play in Oakland again until November 3? And the only “home game” is in London? And every team we play is a playoff contender?

Yep.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Guys I need this let me laugh at the Broncos.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 19, 1993, John Carney showed he had plenty of leg, again. Just two weeks after booting six field goals and accounting for all of the San Diego Chargers’ points in their 18-12 win over the Seattle Seahawks, Carney did it one more time. He went 6/6 and provided every point for the Chargers, who beat the Houston Oilers 18-17. In doing so, Carney became the first (and still only) player to make six field goals in a game twice in once season. Carney being the person to do this is half of what makes this stat extra amazing. Carney had one of the longest NFL careers as a player. He was released by the Cincinnati Bengals before the 1987 season, but signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers the following year. He would stay in the NFL until 2010, and is one of two people (George Blanda) to play in the NFL in four different decades. He played for seven different teams during that span, reaching the Pro Bowl with the Chargers in 1994 and the New York Giants in 2008, 14 years later. He’s the Chargers’ all-time leading scorer and a member of the New Orleans Saints HOF, which is impressive considering he is responsible for the most demoralizing loss in NFL history. The other interesting part of the second six-kick game is the team Carney was facing. Losing to a team who only kicked six field goals was par the course for the ’93 Oilers, the most fascinating/insane NFL team ever. Owner Bud Adams, pissed at his team failing in the postseason again after being on the other end of the biggest comeback in NFL playoff history, threatened to break up the team if they failed to reach the Super Bowl. In a year which saw one player commit suicide, another be fined for missing a game for the birth of his child, and two coaches fight each other, the Oilers started 1-4 then won 11 straight games. However, they then suffered another upset loss in the playoffs, this time to the Joe Montana-led Kansas City Chiefs, who had lost to the Oilers 30-0 earlier in the season. QB Warren Moon was soon after and the Oilers swapped Houston for Tennessee a few years later. Seriously, if you have time, watch the A Football Life episode on the ’93 Oilers. It’s amazing

.THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2015 — Japan beats South Africa 34-32 in the biggest upset in Rugby World Cup history.
• 2010 — The leaking oil well in the Deepwater Horizon oil spill is sealed.
• 1995 — The Washington Post and The New York Times publish the Unabomber’s manifesto.
• 1989 — A bomb destroys UTA Flight 772 in mid-air above the Tùnùrù Desert in Niger, killing all 170 passengers and crew on board.
• 1985 — A strong earthquake kills thousands and destroys about 400 buildings in Mexico City.
• 1982 — Scott Fahlman posts the first documented emoticons — 🙂 and 😦 — on the Carnegie Mellon University bulletin board system.
• 1946 — The Council of Europe is founded following a speech by Winston Churchill at the University of Zurich.
• 1944 — The Battle of Hürtgen Forest — the longest individual battle the U.S. Army has ever fought — begins.
• 1881 — President James Garfield dies of wounds suffered in a July 2 shooting. Vice President Chester A. Arthur becomes President.
• 1796 — President George Washington’s Farewell Address is printed across America. 
• 1778 — The Continental Congress passes the first U.S. federal budget.
• 1676 — Jamestown is burned to the ground during Bacon’s Rebellion.
• 634 — The Siege of Damascus takes place, with the city falling from the Byzantine Empire’s control as the first major city of the Eastern Roman Empire to fall in the Muslim conquest of Syria.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1989 — Tyreke Evans, former Sacramento King and 2010 NBA Rookie of the Year. 
• 1986 — Ryan Succop, Mr. Irrelevant and K for the Tennessee Titans.
• 1974 — Jimmy Fallon, actor, former SNL cast member, and host of The Tonight Show. 
• 1967 — Aleksandr Karelin, arguably the greatest wrestler of all time and victim of one of the greatest upsets in the history of sports.
• 1962 — Ken Rosenthal, baseball writer and reporter best known for his bow tie.
• 1960 — Mario Batali, celebrity chef who’s cooked up controversy in recent years.
• 1948 — Jeremy Irons, actor and the voice of Scar in The Lion King.
• 1943 — Joe Morgan, HOF second baseman.
• 1928 — Adam West, actor best known for portraying Batman during the famous 1960’s TV series and movie.
• 1926 — James Lipton, writer, actor, and host of Inside the Actors Studio.

DEATHS:

• 1995 — Orville Redenbacher, businessman and founder of the popcorn brand of the same name.
• 1968 — Red Foley, iconic country music singer.
• 1881 — James Garfield, 20th President of the United States. 

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day! I never understood how pirates became so big in pop culture. Maybe it was the mystique of the swashbuckling criminal who sets sail wherever he wants and takes whatever he wants. Maybe it was Johnny Depp turning the perception of pirates from smelly, diseased murderers to misunderstood, quirky hot boys thanks to his portrayal of Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Either way, Arrrrrgh! 

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

INTERNET PORN BUSINESS SUBMITS $10M NAMING RIGHTS BID FOR MIAMI HEAT HOME

MIAMI, Fla. — The internet porn business is boomin’.

The once-taboo industry’s continued creep into the mainstream is seeking to broach another barrier. This time, its sights are set on big-time American sports.

American Airlines announced on Thursday that it is not renewing its naming rights deal with Miami Heat home American Airlines Arena, which will expire at the end of the year.

BangBros is seeking to stake its claim.

The Miami-based porn production company was quick to announce after the American Airlines news that it wants in on the naming rights and had submitted a $10 million bid to lay claim to the home of the Heat.

READ MORE

Obviously I couldn’t run this in my show, but this is still be best story I came across this past week and one of the funniest I’ve ever seen. They would call the place the BangBros Center, or “BBC” for short. That’s fucking hysterical.

CONGRATS, RIVER CATS!

Sacramento is a champion again! The River Cats took home their third AAA championship on Tuesday, as the Pacific Coast League winners beat the International League’s Columbus Clippers 4-0, a game in which all nine batters went to the plate in the 1st inning. 

As someone who once worked for a minor league sports franchise (Stockton Thunder forever!), winning a championship is about enduring even more than the usual grind of a season. Minor league teams have only a fraction of the resources MLB clubs have and see a huge roster overhaul, including their best players getting called up. Such a fate happened to the River Cats, when the San Francisco Giants recalled 

 Mike Gerber, Cristian Adames, and Enderson Franco in between Friday’s PCL title win and Tuesday’s AAA championship game. This was not the first major change by far — the River Cats were a part of 319 player transactions this season that saw 85 different players suit up for Sacramento. To go through all of that — and win the title handily — is seriously impressive. Also, our city gets another title, which is awesome.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 25 MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM NAMES

We might not think about it because we’ve gotten used to our local team, but the Sacramento River Cats have a stupid name. Like what the hell is a river cat? A cat that lives by the river? Why would we choose to name a professional sports franchise based in California’s capital city for, of all things, stray cats that exist by water? 

While the River Cats may be a dumb name, we haven’t even gotten close to the top tier of names in Minor League Baseball. I am low-key obsessed with stupid team names, and the minors have by far the most teams with weird names/logos and the highest quality of bizarre. You will never see a more unusual cast of mascots like what you’re about to see. 

I’ve longed to do something like this, so much so that I’ve limited myself to 25 choices (like the 25-man baseball roster). 25. Ten more than I’ve done for a list and more than I’ll ever do again. Anyway, watch your butts — this is gonna get weird.

25. RICHMOND FLYING SQUIRRELS

You know this list is going to be good when there are two dozen entries above “Flying Squirrels.” Founded in 1972, the current AA affiliate of the San Francisco Giants moved to Richmond for the start of the 2010 Eastern League season. The Flying Squirrels name won out over other fan-submitted contenders like Rock Hoppers, Hambones, Rhinos, Flatheads, and Hush Puppies. Funny enough, the Flying Squirrels’ logo was named the logo of the year by Ballpark Digest in 2010 and the best minor-league logo by Baseball America in 2015.

24. FRISCO ROUGHRIDERS

The Frisco RoughRiders (yes, one word) might be the only team on the list with a better past name (the Shreveport Swamp Dragons) than current name. Even so, the RoughRiders pull no punches. The Texas Rangers AA affiliate is named after the 1st U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment during the Spanish-American War. Nicknamed the “Rough Riders,” they wereheaded by future president Theodore Roosevelt, which is why there’s a cartoon Teddy in the Texas League. At $37M, the RoughRiders are the 10th-most valuable Minor League Baseball team. 

23. TRI CITY DUST DEVILS

In today’s “sentences I never thought I’d ever type,” that tornado looks like a pedophile. Creepy ass logo aside, the Tri City Dust Devils call Pasco, Washington their home and are one of the oldest Class A-Short Season teams. Though they’re now the Northwest League affiliate of the San Diego Padres, the Dust Devils have a long history with the Colorado Rockies. Dust Devils alumni include the likes of Charlie Blackmon, Craig Counsell, Julio Franco, Trevor Story, and Russell Wilson. Here’s a huge bobblehead of Wilson that looks like Sammy Sosa.

22. EL PASO CHIHUAHUAS

If you guys kind of recognize the El Paso Chihuahuas, it’s because they compete in the Pacific Coast League along with the River Cats. If you think this isn’t exactly the most intimidating mascot ever, consider this was voted on by the team’s fans. The San Diego Padres AAA affiliate could’ve been named the Aardvarks, Buckaroos, Desert Gators, or Sun Dogs. Interestingly, though the mascot is in the tiny yet feisty dog, the team is in fact named after the Chihuahuan Desert which encompasses the area surrounding El Paso (and parts of Mexico).

21. CHATTANOOGA LOOKOUTS

Older than the majority of MLB teams including the Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, Oakland A’s, Detroit Tigers, and Cleveland Indians, the Chattanooga Lookouts were founded in 1883 yet are the only professional sports team I could find with an emoji as a logo. Although the Southern League team been around for nearly 140 years, the AA affiliate of the Cincinnati Reds has only retired one number: 26. That was worn by outfielder Dernell Stenson, who was brutally murdered in 2003. The Arizona Fall League’s Sportsmanship Award is named after him.

20. FORT WAYNE TINCAPS

The Fort Wayne TinCaps (one word) were named after folk hero Johnny Appleseed, who spent his final years in the city and is buried there. That’s a pretty cool name origin story for the San Diego Padres Class A affiliate. But it could’ve been even better for the Midwest League team. Like many others, the TinCaps beat out other fan suggestions, although in this case there were some truly odd options. Among the choices: the Squealing Pigs, the Crazy Uncles, and the Fashizzle. The Fort Wayne Fashizzle would’ve been the greatest team name of all time. 

19. KANNAPOLIS INTIMIDATORS

AAHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!? Once you’ve all calmed down, would you believe one of the most hideous logos ever is for a team named after one of the most iconic athletes in recent memory? The Kannapolis Intimidators changed their name in 2001 after a share of the South Atlantic League team’s ownership was bought by NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt. Would you believe this isn’t even the most awful name/logo in the Chicago White Sox Class A affiliate’s history? They used to be the Piedmont Boll Weevils. I have so many questions.

18. CEDAR RAPIDS KERNELS

Ah, that is how you properly incorporate the letter K into a logo. Anyway, the Cedar Rapids Kernels have done a lot since their 1890 founding. Now in the Midwest League, the Minnesota Twins Class A affiliate has gone through a number of name changes, being known as the Canaries, Rabbits, Bunnies, Raiders, Red Raiders, Reds, Cardinals, Indians, Braves, Astros, and Rockets before picking the Kernels in 1993 and sticking with it. I also like the smug look the baseball bat masquerading as a kernel of corn has on its face. 

17. AUGUSTA GREENJACKETS

I really admire the cleverness of the Augusta GreenJackets name. Even though the South Atlantic League team is in South Carolina, it’s technically in the same metropolitan area as Augusta, Georgia, home of The Masters golf tournament. The winner of that tournament gets a green jacket. To acknowledge that, the San Francisco Giants Class A affiliate turned the typical yellowjacket bug green and gave him a little golf hat (the old logo had a wasp wearing a green jacket). Another sentence I never thought I’d type: that insect is fucking JACKED! 

16. LANSING LUGNUTS

When Midwest League baseball came to Lansing, the team owners wanted to owner the city’s automotive history. So, although the River Dragons led a pack of choices including Ball Hogs, Bullfrogs, Capitals, Capitols, Crabs, Governors, Llamas, Lumberjox, Mudwumps, Spark Plugs, and Mid-Michigan Mammoths, they went with Lugnuts. Even though the Class A team has since changed hands (now a Toronto Blue Jays affiliate), the name has stuck. The Lansing Lugnuts also have their own original song they play after the national anthem each game.

15. AUBURN DOUBLEDAYS

Now this is a name steeped in history. The Auburn Doubledays were named after Civil War general Abner Doubleday, who is credited with inventing the sport of baseball. Doubleday is also a native of the very city the New York-Penn League calls home. Also, there’s no way you’d guess the city of Auburn is in New York. It’d thought Alabama or Georgia or something. Anyway, the Washington Nationals Class A-Short Season affiliate also has a mascot named Abner and an alternate logo — both of which have mustaches. Absolutely incredible.

14. LEHIGH VALLEY IRONPIGS

One of the best of the many “animal combined with unusual adjective” team names, the Lehigh Valley IronPigs (one word) is a reference to the pig iron used to make steel, which that area of Pennsylvania is well known for. At $43M, the Philadelphia Phillies AAA affiliate is the 4th-most valuable minor league franchise. The International League team made headlines in 2017 for their cross-promotion with the Fresno Grizzlies, during which they embraced the “pig” part of IronPigs and held a “Bacon vs. Tacos” game. Por que no los dos?

13. DOWN EAST WOOD DUCKS

One of the youngest teams on the list, the Down East Wood Ducks has four freaking words in its name. The Down East refers to a particular region in North Carolina which, ironically, the Kinston-based Carolina League team is not a part of. The Wood Ducks refers to an actual type of duck, which is among the most colorful waterfowl in North America. The Texas Rangers Class A-Advanced affiliate could’ve been named the East Eagles, HamHawks, Hogzillas, and Shaggers. Down East Shaggers sounds like an alternate name for Dirty Mike and the Boys.

12. AKRON RUBBERDUCKS

Did you know Akron has arguably the biggest rubber history in America and is the birthplace of companies such as Goodyear, Firestone, Goodrich, and General Tire. That’s where the name “RubberDucks” (one word) came from, although it’s still pretty weird. The Cleveland Indians AA affiliate has gotten national attention thanks to a segment by Lewis Black for The Daily Show. The Eastern league team has also put on several notable promotions, including Shooter McGavin Bobblehead Night. The Akron RubberDucks eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast. 

11. EVERETT AQUASOX

Of all of the weird Sox-based names in baseball, the Everett AquaSox has to be the worst one. Renamed when they became the Seattle Mariners Class A-Short Season affiliate in 1995, the team chose a frog as its logo because it’s wet in the Northwest. According to longtime team radio broadcaster Pat Dillon, “the frog is a cross between a Pacific tree frog and a Central American red-eyed tree frog — and Brooks Robinson.” No idea what that means, but the Northwest League team used to have a hot dog mascot named Frank, so it’s an improvement. 

10. CORPUS CHRISTI HOOKS

Founded in 1968 and relocated to Corpus Christi in 2005, the Hooks were named for the city’s association with fishing. As the Houston Astros AA affiliate and with an ownership group including Nolan Ryan, the Corpus Christi Hooks boast one of the best alumni rosters in recent memory, with guys like J.D. Martinez, Jose Altuve, George Springer, Alex Bregman, and Carlos Correa. However, what puts the Texas League team over the top is their alternate logo. Take a look and tell me what it makes you think of. No wonder why Bregman is a huge dick.  

9. MODESTO NUTS

Hey look, my viewing market is on the list! Founded in 1946, the Modesto Nuts became the best thing in Modesto instantly and the Nuts in 2005, reflecting the amount of nuts grown in the region. The Seattle Mariners Class A-Advanced affiliate has three mascots: Al the Almond, Wally the Walnut, and Shelley the Pistachio, who are all terrifying. Getting to the California League and playing pro baseball must be fun. But, it must be weird to hear crowds chant “Let’s go Nuts!” every day. Well, at least it’s better than other alternatives…

8. PENSACOLA BLUE WAHOOS

The Pensacola Blue Wahoos: quite the mouthful, and a silly one at that. The name for the now-Minnesota Twins AA affiliate was determined by a contest held by the Pensacola News Journal and Wendy’s. Seriously. While the name is a little unusual, the Southern League team’s logo is kinda terrifying. This is a little different from their beautiful ballpark, which was voted the top Double A ballpark in Ballpark Digest’s 2016 contest. So, to recap: the Pensacola Blue Wahoos are silly, beautiful, and terrifying. They’re the Ariana Grande of AA baseball. 

7. JACKSONVILLE JUMBO SHRIMP

Oh my god it looks like the Hooks logo except it has arms and is actually penis-colored. The alternate logo isn’t any better (is that corn on the cob and sausage chunks?). Boy, do the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp embrace the weirdness of their name. The Miami Marlins AA affiliate’s official slogan is “Shrimply the best!” They have two mascots — a dog named Southpaw and a shrimp named Scampi. They held a “Florida Man Night” promotion this past season. The Jump Shrimp are easily the most entertaining Southern League team.  

6. BINGHAMTON RUMBLE PONIES

The Binghamton Rumble Ponies are what the stupid ass Denver Broncos mascot thinks it is. Founded in 1987 and bought by the New York Mets in 1991, the Eastern League team was known as the Binghamton Mets until 2016. That’s when the Mets decided to rename their AA affiliate. The Rumble Ponies emerged victorious, beating out a strong list of contenders in the Bullheads, Gobblers, Rocking Horses, Stud Muffins, and Timber Jockeys. All of these were horse-themed because there are apparently a lot of carousels in the Binghamton area.

5. AMARILLO SOD POODLES

The Amarillo Sod Poodles are an example of a minor league team which openly embraces the fun and absurdity of being a minor league team. Founded this past season, the Texas League team decided to base its entire identity around being interesting and marketable to kids. I mean look at their alternate logo. It reeks of adorableness. Sod Poodles beat out Boot Scooters, Bronc Busters, Jerky, and Long Haulers because of the area’s prairie dog population. The San Diego Padres AA affiliate is designed to be the perfect modern day minor league team. 

4. NEW ORLEANS BABY CAKES

As adorable as the last team was, this one is equally as terrifying. In 2016, the New Orleans Zephyrs decided to rebrand, chosing Baby Cakes over Crawfish, King Cakes, Night Owls, Po’boys, Red Eyes, and Tailgators. As horrific as the name is, this past season was the last for the New Orleans Baby Cakes. Next year, the Miami Marlins AAA affiliate will move to Wichita, Kansas. However, the city is hoping to lure a AA Southern League team to replace the Pacific Coast League team and keep the Baby Cakes name alive. So, it’s still eligible for the list.

3. HARTFORD YARD GOATS

Behold, the face of true evil. The Hartford Yard Goats logo has definitely killed at least six people, and the mascots are its capos. The Yard Goats were formed when the Colorado Rockies moved their AA affiliate to Hartford. The city has some notable train history, and “yard goat” is rail-yard slang for the switch engines or terminal tractors that shuttle cars between different locomotives. The Eastern League’s blue and green colors are a nod to the NHL’s Hartford Whalers. So, who looks the most coked out, the Yard Goat or the Clemson Tiger?

2. MONTGOMERY BISCUITS

You’re not reading this wrong. The Montgomery Biscuits are, in fact, named after a pastry. Why? Well, when the Tampa Bay Rays moved their AA affiliate from Orlando to Montgomery, they chose the name based on its marketability, pun potential, and Southernness. I’m not kidding. Anyway, the Southern League team takes full advantage of all of it, using puns like “Hey Butter, Butter, Butter,” calling their store the “Biscuit Basket,” selling biscuits at the ballpark, and even shooting biscuits into the crowd. This is minor league baseball at its finest.

1. ROCKET CITY TRASH PANDAS

But the Rocket City Trash Pandas are about to take that title. After the LA Angels decided to move their AA affiliate to Madison (called Rocket City due to the area’s association with the space industry), the Trash Pandas (chosen for the determination and ingenuity of raccoons) won out over the likes of ThunderSharks, Moon Possums, Space Chimps, and Comet Jockeys. The Southern League team is already embracing their identity, with incredible logos and embracing the “trash panda” nickname instead of just “racoons.” I can’t wait for their debut.

2019 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Taylor: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss $40

Richard $40

Nick: $40

Jimmy: $40

Tyler G: $40

Arik: $40

Riez: $0

Tyler E: $0

Dad: $0

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. Darth Raider (2-0)
2. Name TBD (2-0)
3. Footballdamus (2-0)
4. 49ers (2-0)
5. Jop Suey!!! (1-1)
6. Sleeping Giants (1-1)
7. Orchids of Asia (1-1)
8. Dixie Normous (1-1)
9. C’s Champion Team (0-2)
10. Three Eyed Ravens (0-2)
11. The Krispy Kritters (0-2)
12. Gruden Grinders (0-2)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Darth Raider (256.74)
2. Name TBD (239.46)
3. C’s Champion Team (224.48)
4. Jop Suey!!! (214.06)
5. Footballdamus (209.90)
6. 49ers (204.78)
7. Sleeping Giants (203.74)
8. Three Eyed Ravens (192.48)
9. Orchids of Asia (189.06)
10. The Krispy Kritters (181.70)
11. Dixie Normous (153.62)
12. Gruden Grinders (141.94)

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (1-1) VS. DARTH RAIDER (2-0)

So, right after putting up arguably the worst offensive output of my fantasy football career, I have to play the top scoring team in the league? Of fucking course. Darth Raider has been killing it so far and will probably continue to do so this week because they’re playing Orchids of Asia. But, there could be trouble on Arik’s horizon. While Matt Ryan and Austin Ekeler should continue to put up points and Chris Carson will likely benefit from facing a a Drew Brees-less New Orleans Saints, Saquon Barkley and Robert Woods might get slowed down by tougher than expected defenses. Meanwhile, Travis Kelce is facing the Ravens defense, so only one can even put up decent points. This all probably won’t matter because I no longer have any confidence in my team. Last week’s performance has me shook on whether or not I can trust Deshaun Watson, Christian McCaffrey, T.Y. Hilton, and George Kittle — four of my top picks and expected stars. Also, what the hell am I going to do with Mark Andrews? No idea. 

SLEEPING GIANTS (1-1) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-0)

If you’re looking for matchups where both teams are likely to put up a lot of offense, look no further. Footballdamus is taking its Tom Brady and Antonio Brown show to face the steaming pile of New York Jets. The duo should produce plenty of points, but some of that offense might go to Josh Gordon and the Sleeping Giants. Dad also happens to have fifth overall pick Pat Mahomes, as well as a pair of RBs in that Chiefs-Ravens showdown: Damien Williams and Gus Edwards. Riez also has a nice pair of RBs in Todd Gurley and Leonard Fournette, both of which face decent (but beatable) opponents. Riez will hope for better days from Matt Brieda and Jarvis Landry, while Dad will wish the same for Kenny Stills and Amari Cooper. Defense might also play a big factor in this showdown, both in terms of team and individual efforts. The Bears (Dad) and Vikings (Riez) should feast on their upcoming opponents, while Aaron Donald (Riez) and Darius Leonard (Dad) should also get some good eating in. This will be a good one. 

49ERS (2-0) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (0-2)

The 49ers have found success because they’ve faced low-scoring teams, while C’s Champion team has been dealt bad luck and losses, despite putting up a lot of points. Chriss will probably keep the offense going with a lineup of solid matchups. The Arizona Cardinals’ effort (especially that of Kyler Murray and David Johnson) against the Carolina Panthers will play a big factor. The LA Rams are another team to keep an eye on, with the Rams defense (Chriss) and Jared Goff (Gee) in play. Gee will also hope to get offensive boosts from Keenan Allen, Joe Mixon, and Sammy Watkins, though each are playing strong defenses. Speaking of defense, the Patriots will likely give Gee a repeat performance against the New York Jets after their evisceration of the Miami Dolphins. Gee also has Ezekiel Elliott going against those same Dolphins, so he might just break the scoring record. Chriss will need the likes of Julio Jones, Tyler Lockett, Derrick Henry, and Kerryon Johnson to do well to not get screwed again. 

JOP SUEY!!! (1-1) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (1-1)

Dixie Normous might’ve earned the win last week, but it came at a cost: Drew Brees won’t be back for possibly six weeks. Nick needs to go shopping for a replacement — my money’s on Jimmy G (Jacoby Brissett as my backup pick). Brees’ absence is also being felt by Jop Suey!!!, who will not have to rely on Teddy Bridgewater to get Michael Thomas the ball. If Thomas can’t get it done, Taylor might be in for a tough fight. Andy Dalton, Kenny Golladay, Nick Chubb, Josh Jacobs, and Jimmy Graham are up against tough defenses. Although Taylor might insert Aaron Rodgers to get rid of that problem and flex on Nick. But there is one silver lining in the case of Dalton — any struggles will directly benefit Taylor’s Bills defense. Nick has a similar scenario, with his Texans defense and Mike Williams facing off. OBJ, Stefon Diggs, and LeVeon Bell — all key to Nick’s success — will each face strong defenses this week. Points could come at a premium, which will make Nick’s QB choice all the more important.

THREE EYED RAVENS (0-2) VS. NAME TBD (2-0)

The Three Eyed Ravens has seen some bad luck over the first two weeks, and their fortunes aren’t going to change for Week 3. Even if Ewing’s beloved Lamar Jackson can put up big points against the Chiefs defense, he suffers because he also happens to have that defense. Although Adam Thielen should get some good production against the Oakland Raiders, Juju Smith-Schuster, Marlon Mack, and Jordan Howard are all facing strong defenses. Speaking of defense, Ewing you probably might want to take C.J. Mosley out of the lineup if he’s hurt again. Any points Ewing gets will be valuable, because Name TBD can score with the best of them. Dak Prescott is facing the Miami Dolphins, so just give Kyle all of the points now. If that wasn’t enough, DeAndre Hopkins, Mike Evans, Dalvin Cook, and Mark Ingram will likely be quite productive this week. On top of that, Kyle’s Seahawks defense gets to host the non-Drew-Brees-led New Orleans Saints. Yeah… I have a feeling this one could get ugly quickly. 

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-2) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (0-2)

Speaking of ugly, we’ve got an early season Toilet Bowl! The 11th place Krispy Kritters face off against the last place Gruden Grinders to determine who is the top contender right now for the worst team in the league award. Unfortunately for Jimmy, the road to 0-3 looks pretty clear. Despite switching from the mediocre Titty Kisser to the less mediocre Derek Carr, Jimmy might not get a lot from the chance. Carr (and Darren Waller and Daniel Carlson and Tyrell Williams) are playing the tough Vikings in Minnesota. Davante Adams, Tyler Boyd, and James Conner are also against strong defenses, while the Chargers defense tries to cool the hot (last week aside) Texans offense. Richard, meanwhile, gets to see Russell Wilson take advantage of a depleted New Orleans Saints squad (although Alvin Kamara could suffer). Richard also has Sony Michel and the Cowboys defense going up against the two worst teams in football (the Jets and Dolphins). I’m not seeing a lot of situations where Richard loses this one.

ONE LAST THING

When Julio Jones broke 20 mph on his game-winning TD against the Philadelphia Eagles, Atlanta Falcons fans got pretty excited. I’ve got to feel they were already feeling amped up, especially given the effort of their home team. On Saturday, the Falcons tweeted out a hype video featuring 

Atlanta rapper Bone Crusher. A few hours later, they took it down. It’s not clear whether they got rid of it because of the ridicule it got, or because they realized it was so terrible. Probably both.To best summarize it, the video consists of Bone Crusher, wielding a sledgehammer, saying “Dirty Bird” about two dozen times while some other people in Falcons jerseys just kind of awkwardly dance around him in an empty warehouse. You can see it for yourself right here. It’s horrendous. But also amazing. But also terrible.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

320,838th Best Texas Hold ‘Em Player in Las Vegas