Ruben's Writings

So Ewing, Jimmy, Chriss, and I went to Sin City over the weekend for Emilio’s bachelor party. It’s cliche for a reason, but yeah… what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. 
I think at least two of us are still hung over.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (2-1) DEF.  DARTH RAIDER (2-1)

131.54 – 84.26

I thought I was still drunk when I saw the score on Sunday. The guy who scored 65 points last week beat the first place team by nearly 50? Yeah, fantasy football is fucking weird. Just like their owner finally shaving off his Mario mustache, Orchids of Asia saw a drastic improvement, scoring twice as many points as they got in their previous matchup. My main men: Deshaun Watson (25 points) and Christian McCaffrey (24 points), both putting up excellent bounce back games. Speaking of redeeming themselves, the Jaguars defense (15 points), Julian Edelman (12 points), T.Y. Hilton (12 points), and Khalil Mack (11 points) each put together much stronger days. The same cannot be said for Darth Raider, which finally had its “welcome to the Epic League” moment. Apart from Matt Ryan (23 points) and the Packers defense (13 points), no one really did anything for Arik. As major concerns surround Saquon Barkley’s health, Arik has to hope the likes of Chris Carson, Austin Ekeler, and Robert Woods do much better. 

GOOD HOME COOKIN (3-0) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-3)
173.84 – 119.48

Two things: 1. Name TBD finally got a name! Good Home COOKin… ehh. 2: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, KYLE! I didn’t know the last time I’d see Ewing alive was Vegas, because you utterly destroyed Three Eyed Ravens. It wasn’t like Ewing did a particularly shit job. Only three players scored fewer than nine points, with six roster spots bringing in double digit points. Lamar Jackson (21 points), Greg Olsen (19 points), Adam Thielen (17 points), Juju Smith-Schuster (15 points), and Marlon Mack (14 points) all did well. However, Kyle’s guys were on another planet, putting up the most points in any single week in Epic League history. From Mike Evans (37 points) and Mark Ingram (31 points), to Phillip Lindsay (25 points), Dak Prescott (23 points), new namesake Dalvin Cook (20 points), and Jamal Adams (19 points), Kyle showed what his team is truly capable of. There was nothing Ewing could do but watch. At the end of the day, Ewing’s team was so fucked up they lost their shoes and were deemed too drunk by strippers. 

49ERS (3-0) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (0-3)

140.60 – 120.02

Like Ewing, Chriss is another fellow groomsman who fell to 0-3 despite his best efforts. C’s Champion Team, like its cane-wielding owner, is facing some strong bad luck this season. Despite Kyler Murray (20 points) continuing to surprise, strong days from Tyler Lockett (21 points) and Julio Jones (18 points), and a solid effort from most of his lineup, Chriss was facing a 49ers team putting up their highest point total of the season. In fact, Gee’s team has made leaps since a sluggish 86-point performance in Week 1, adding 32 more points last week before putting up another 22 more this week. Gee can largely thank Keenan Allen (30 points) and Jameis Winston (26 points) — of all people — for this latest effort. Evan Engram (17 points), Joe Mixon (15 points),  the Patriots defense (14 points) and Ezekiel Elliott (13 points) didn’t exactly do shabby, either. Gee can do quite well this season, especially if this core sticks together. Meanwhile, it’s another loss for Chriss that eats away at him like a chest in his hole.

SLEEPING GIANTS (2-1) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-1)

137.46 – 80.94

In the first game of the (presumably) post-Antonio Brown Era (more on that later), Footballdamus did about as well as Brown’s sanity. Sure, Brown’s most recent QB (Tom Brady) put up 20 points. But Brady was also the only player in Riez’s lineup to even put up double digits. Everyone from Todd Gurley, Leonard Fournette, Matt Brieda, Hollywood Brown, D.K. Metcalf, and Aaron Donald failed to make an impact. Even the Vikings defense didn’t do much against the goddamn Raiders (sigh, more on that later). Sleeping Giants, on the other hand, had no such problems. Dad got 20-point efforts from three spots — Pat Mahomes (27 points), the Bears defense (21 points), and Amari Cooper (20 points) — which almost outscored Riez’s entire lineup by themselves. Nice games from Jamie Collins (15 points) and Frank Gore (14 points) were simply icing on the cake. Maybe it’s an odd week thing. Dad broke 120 points in Weeks 1 and 3, but barely cracked 80 in Week 2. It’s as unpredictable as the bachelor party’s gambling success. 

JOP SUEY!!! (2-1) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (1-2)

68.34 – 54.68

Every week, we’ve gotten at least one matchup that’s the fantasy football equivalent of brown-colored throw-up. We’ve got to do better, guys. This week, it was Jop Suey!!! against Dixie Normous. Nick (why couldn’t you do this shitty last week?) went with Jimmy G to solve his Drew Brees problem. Unfortunately for Nick, the addition was worth a whopping 11 points. Also unfortunate? Jimmy G was the only player to put up double digits for Nick. Hell, OBJ, Stefon Doggs, LeVeon Bell, Kyle Rudolph, and Mike Williams didn’t even get seven points. Taylor’s lineup didn’t fare much better. While Taylor got double digits from FOUR whole spots — Nick Chubb, Matt Stafford, Michael Thomas, and the Bills defense — he also had three players — Kenny Golladay, Vance McDonald, and Calvin Ridley — score fewer than two points. In any other week or against any other opponent, Taylor would’ve gotten his shit rocked. But not this week. Maybe it’s some sort of karma for his horrible luck last season.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-2) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (0-3)

138.24 – 95.08

Unlike the undefeated Dream Team of cornhole and beer pong fame, Gruden Grinders could not deliver Jimmy a win. For this, Jimmy can thank one man: Russell “Mr. Ciara” Wilson, who put up (holy shit) 41 points for the Krispy Kritters. When Alvin Kamara and his 28 points are completely overshadowed and nice days from Mecole Hardman (16 points) and the Cowboys defense (12 points) are utter afterthoughts, you know you’ve done well. It didn’t really matter that no one else in Richard’s lineup broke the double digit barrier; they didn’t need to. In an early season Toilet Bowl, only one team looked like… well… shit. Forget solid, 14-point efforts from Aaron Jones and Darren Waller. When Derek Carr and his 16 points are your best player, you’re gonna have a bad time. This is coming from a disgruntled Raiders fan, but still. For all the good they did, Davante Adams, Tyler Boyd, and James Conner might as well have been in Vegas with Jimmy, who is still searching for his first victory of what could be a long, long season.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. Good Home COOKin (3-0)
2. 49ers (3-0)
3. Sleeping Giants (2-1)
4. Darth Raider (2-1)
5. Orchids of Asia (2-1)
6. Footballdamus (2-1)
7. Jop Suey!!! (2-1)
8. The Krispy Kritters (1-2)
9. Dixie Normous (1-2)
10. C’s Champion Team (0-3)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (0-3)
12. Gruden Grinders (0-3)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Good Home COOKin (413.30)
2. 49ers (345.38)
3. C’s Champion Team (344.60)
4. Sleeping Giants (341.20)
5. Darth Raider (341.00)
6. Orchids of Asia (320.60)
7. The Krispy Kritters (320.24)
8. Three Eyed Ravens (311.96)
9. Footballdamus (290.84)
10. Jop Suey!!! (282.40)
11. Gruden Grinders (237.02)
12. Dixie Normous (208.30)

Overall, this seems like a strong start to a fun season. We’re seeing some contenders emerge, story lines develop, and funny moments happen. I can’t wait to see how these teams ride out the rest of the season together as they are…

WHAT THE FUCK WITH THE TRADES, GUYS?

I’m not sure if it was the winning/losing, the simple desire to shake things up, or the product of a few too many drinks in Vegas. But for whatever reason, literally half the league got involved in trades this week — four of them coming on the same day! That was a fun series of notifications/texts to wake up to.As commissioner, my general policy with trades is to let them play out, unless it’s something objectively imbalanced like (for example) Pat Mahomes for Daniel Carlson. I may think a trade is dumb or unnecessary, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t go through. If someone wants to use their savvy to make a clever move, go right ahead. If someone wants to shoot themselves in the foot, be my guest. That’s why we have the league-wide voting system, anyway.

Of course, this doesn’t mean I can’t give my thoughts on these (as of this writing) potential transactions. Let’s go through them in chronological order of when I received word of the agreement. Something interesting I noted is that, out of the six teams involved in these five trades, four of them are either undefeated or winless. Managers trying to reverse their fortunes or take advantage of others’ desperation? Let’s see…

PLAYERS RECEIVED

49ERS: Nick Chubb, Kenny Golladay, Vance McDonald

JOP SUEY!!!: Joe Mixon, Sammy Watkins, Evan Engram

Of course Gee and Taylor, the two biggest move-makers so far, would be involved in the first trade of the year, which has the biggest names of any of these transactions. Interestingly, I think this is probably the most even of these proposals. Each side is getting a strong RB on an underachieving team, a boom or bust WR, and a TE with potential. If I had to make a decision as to who won this trade, I’d lean towards Taylor only because I like Watkins’ and Engram’s QBs more than Golladay’s and McDonald’s. But even so, this is a good start to trading.PLAYERS RECEIVED

JOP SUEY!!!: Adrian Peterson, Devonta Freeman, Tyrell Williams, Tyler Boyd

GRUDEN GRINDERS: Aaron Rodgers, Josh Jacobs, Calvin RidleyPLAYERS DROPPED

JOP SUEY!!!: Raheem Mostert

The trade involving the most players likely resulted from one desire: Jimmy needs a new QB. Only a truly terrible start could leave Jimmy desperate enough to cut Derek Carr and trade Tyrell Williams. Fortunately for him, not only is the QB he’s receiving named Aaron Rodgers, but he still gets to meet his Raider quota in Josh Jacobs. As for Taylor, the near complete roster overhaul includes two decent Jacobs replacements and a pair of stud WRs. I’d say rolling with Matt Stafford at QB is risky, but Taylor made another move I’ll discuss in a minute.PLAYERS RECEIVED

GRUDEN GRINDERS: OBJ

DIXIE NORMOUS: James Conner

The rest of these trades are one-for-one, so it’s a bit easier for me to make a decision on who “won.” This is one of two times I’ll ask Nick, “what the fuck are you doing?”. Let me tell you a story. Last year in my FOX40 Morning Show league, I traded for James Conner (who was doing well) in exchange for DeAndre Hopkins. I missed the playoffs and the other guy won the league. At least Conner and the Steelers weren’t being underwhelming when I got him. Not in this case. I also didn’t give up a top talent in OBJ for him. Congrats on the robbery, Jimmy!PLAYERS RECEIVED

THREE EYED RAVENS: James White

JOP SUEY!!!: Josh Allen

So remember that Taylor-Stafford thing? Apparently Taylor’s idea of an emergency backup is… Josh Allen? The worst of Ewing’s three QBs? I don’t get why Taylor, now 2-1 after a year where he finished 1-12, decided to completely overhaul his roster. If it works, it works. But I’m not sure it’ll work like Taylor wants. Meanwhile, Ewing no longer has an abnormal amount of QBs on his roster. He had to have been waiting to use one as trade bait, and it got him… James White? That’s it? You know how good/terrible Patriots RBs can be. This reeks of “meh.”
PLAYERS RECEIVED

DIXIE NORMOUS: Latavius Murray

GOOD HOME COOKIN: Melvin Gordon

For the second time in three paragraphs, I must ask, “Nick, what the fuck are you doing?”. In a swap of RBs, Nick gets Latavius Murray, who (putting it nicely) has been used sparingly behind Alvin Kamara. What did Nick give up? Melvin Gordon. Now, this probably looked a whole lot better if Gordon’s holdout was ongoing. However, he’s coming back today. So now Kyle gets to complete his three-headed RB monster of Gordon, Dalvin Cook, and Mark Ingram. At this point, you have to recognize that if Kyle wants one your players, you should keep him.

Holy crap, there were more trades here than at the actual NFL trade deadline. Speaking of, I didn’t think I’d need to bring this back so early.

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 9TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 44 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Don’t black out and forget.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Not too much to say about this one. Considering this was the start of a lengthy road trip against a good team with a stellar defense, I was expecting a loss going in. Even so, this as a little depressing. Save for one nice flea flicker, the Raiders offense did nothing. Derek Carr looked particularly mediocre, Josh Jacobs had his “welcome to the NFL” game, and the defense could do nothing against Dalvin Cook. Nothing in Minnesota gave me confidence going forward, especially since we don’t play in Oakland for more than a month. I also happen to have a Vikings fan coworker, so coming to work Sunday night was super fun. 

Damn, I need some pretty strong Pedialyte to cure this hangover. Maybe something “orange crushed” flavored?

STAT OF THE WEEK

Vaunted defense led by superstar players coached by a celebrated defensive guru. The end result? Every other AFC West team’s reaction.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 26, 1920, the league that would eventually become the National Football League began. Tired of every pro football team doing whatever it wanted when it came to salaries, players, and college prospects, a bunch of teams decided to come together under one unified rule set. At a meeting in Canton, Ohio, the American Professional Football Association was formed, with Jim Thorpe as its first president presiding over 14 teams, including the Decatur Staleys (now the Chicago Bears) and Chicago Cardinals (Arizona Cardinals). 100 years ago today, the Rock Island Independents took the field — the first member of the APFA to play an organized game– and annihilated the St. Paul Ideals 48-0. However, because football was weird back then and there are two dates to make note of. As mentioned, today is the 100th anniversary of the first game featuring an APFA team (the Independents). However, their opponents, the Ideals, were not a league member. Back then, the league pretty much let the teams make their own schedules, while only encouraging them to play each other. As a result, the first two games featuring all-APFA teams 

— technically the first “league” games — took place the following week. So, this is sort of a two-part Throwback Thursday. We’ll get to that other anniversary next week

.THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1984 — The U.K. and China agree to a transfer of sovereignty over Hong Kong, which takes place in 1997.
• 1983 — Australia II wins the America’s Cup over the New York Yacht Club, which lost the event for the first time in 132 years.
• 1981 — Nolan Ryan sets an MLB record against the LA Dodgers by throwing his fifth career no-hitter (he would finish with seven).
• 1980 — 13 people are killed and 211 are hurt during a terrorist bombing at Oktoberfest in Munich, the deadliest attack in Germany since World War II.
• 1977 — The Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant opens for official use. Things would go pretty swimmingly until about nine years later.
• 1969 — Abbey Road, the last recorded album by The Beatles, is released.
• 1960 — The first televised presidential debate takes place between Republican Richard Nixon and Democrat John F. Kennedy in Chicago.
• 1959 — Typhoon Vera, the strongest typhoon to hit Japan in recorded history, makes landfall, killing 4,580 people and leaving nearly 1.6 million others homeless.
• 1941 — The Military Police Corps is created as a permanent branch of the U.S. Army. 
• 1914 — The U.S. Federal Trade Commission is established by the Federal Trade Commission Act.
• 1905 — Albert Einstein publishes the third of his Annus Mirabilis papers, introducing the theory of relativity.
• 1789 — President George Washington appoints the first cabinet of the U.S. government.
• 1580 — Francis Drake finishes his circumnavigation of the Earth.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1981 — Serena Williams, the GOAT women’s tennis player. 
• 1980 — Daniel and Henrik Sedin, future hockey HOFers and twin Vancouver Canucks legends.
• 1972 — Beto O’Rourke, former Texas congressman and current 2020 Democratic presidential candidate.
• 1948 — Olivia Newton-John, iconic actress/singer best known as Sandy Olsson in Grease. 
• 1774 — Johnny Appleseed, American legend and nurseryman who introduced apple trees to several states.

DEATHS:

• 2008 — Paul Newman, iconic actor of The Color of Money, Cool Hand Luke, and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid fame.
• 1820 — Daniel Boone, pioneer and explorer whose frontier exploits made him one of the first folk heroes in the U.S.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 15 FORGOTTEN NFL TEAM NAMES

Told you that wasn’t the last we’d dive deep into team names! While doing research for Throwback Thursday, I realized there were a plethora of forgotten teams from the early days of the APFA/NFL. While there are some teams from that era which have stuck around (Cardinals, Bears, Packers), there were others (Hammond Pros, Detroit Heralds, Cleveland Tigers, Milwaukee Badgers) who only amounted to a blip in history. Some defunct teams (Akron Pros, Canton Bulldogs) found a place in NFL lore. Others are memorable for another reason: their names. Between the old school line of thinking, inclusion of much smaller markets, and a not caring about ripping off other teams (defunct NFL teams include the Brooklyn Dodgers, New York Yankees, and New York Yanks), the early days of the NFL are full of truly unique creations.

All of the following teams — as they were named at the time — have been defunct since before the 1950’s. Although there were teams which only lasted a season or two, I include them because they did not intend to only play that short of time. I will give a shoutout to a couple of teams who, while they have some weird names, were purposely created as one-offs in back-to-back seasons during a trying period for sports teams in American history — World War II.

HONORABLE MENTION: STEAGLES

With the league short on players due to the war, teams got creative ahead of the 1943 season. No two came up with a more unique solution than the Pittsburgh Steelers and Philadelphia Eagles: join forces. The two teams decided to merge everything — players, coaches, personnel, uniforms, and everything in between. Among the reasons this was bizarre: the two are in-state rivals, the coaches hated each other and refused to be demoted (resulting in the team having two head coaches), and players often couldn’t make every practice because of work. A requirement for the “Steagles” was that every player had to work a 40-hour a week war-related job (one player, Ted Doyle, even had a hand in the Manhattan Project). The team split home games between Shibe Park and Forbes Field, which, considering the cities are 300 miles apart, was difficult. Despite everything, the Steagles finished a respectable 5-4-1 and even won a game despite committing TEN turnovers. Still, the Steagles were done after just one season. 

HONORABLE MENTION: CARD-PITT

Though the NFL was on better standing in 1944, the Steelers still had the smallest roster and, because there were an odd number of 11 teams, were asked to do another merger. After Philadelphia refused a Steagles sequel, Pittsburgh settled on the Chicago Cardinals, a team 450 miles away which had gone winless the previous season. With all of that tied into the logistics of splitting everything, things shocklingly did not go well for “Card-Pitt,” which I swear was the actual name they went with. They went 0-10 and played so poorly they were dubbed “Car-Pitts,” because opponents walked all over them like carpets. The closest they came to victory was in Week 1 against the Cleveland Rams. Up 28-23 late in the game and having just picked off a Rams pass at the goal line, Card-Pitt punted on 1st down from the one-yard line because they were afraid of a turnover. However, the shanked punt went just nine yards, resulting in 1st and goal for the Rams, who would score and win 30-28. You can’t make this shit up. The good news: with the war over in 1945, things went back to normal the following season. Now, onto the non-forced merger teams.

15. ROCK ISLAND INDEPENDENTS

Let’s start with the aforementioned Rock Island Independents. One of the first professional football teams, the Independents were founded in 1907 with no athletic club affiliation, no social club ties, and no corporate company backing or sponsorship. Because of this, they decided to name themselves the “Independents.” After taking the field as the APFA’s debut team, Rock Island got off to a strong 5-1 start before collapsing down the stretch, finishing tied for 4th, the best finish they would record in the league. After the 1925 season, the franchise a fatal move, ditching the NFL for the rival American Football League (the first league with that name), which was started by future HOFer Red Grange and his agent. Rock Island also signed Elmer Layden, one of the Four Horsemen of Notre Dame, for 1926. However, that would be the last season for both the league and the Independents, both of which soon folded. 

14. ROCHESTER JEFFERSONS

The Rochester Jeffersons should’ve never made the APFA and yet never should’ve folded. Both instances were products of their era. Founded in 1898, the Jeffersons (named after their playing field on Jefferson Avenue) mainly played local teams until 1917. That’s when their owner, Leo Lyons, somehow secured a matchup with the legendary Jim Thorpe and his Canton Bulldogs. Despite Canton winning 41-0, Rochester gained notoriety in football circles and was eventually invited to be part of the APFA in 1920. Despite a solid 6-3-2 season, the Jeffersons’ fortunes began to slide after that. Turns out, Rochester was more interested in supporting its sandlot football circuit than its pro team. Fans stopped coming, and the Jeffersons soon became too poor to truly compete in the NFL. Rochester didn’t win a single league game during its final four seasons, not playing another game after 1925. Still, they have legacy in having jerseys that Dad never heard about until now but instantly became his favorite ever.   

13. POTTSVILLE MAROONS

Founded in 1920 as the Pottsville Eleven and made up largely firefighters from the Yorkville Hose Company, the Pottsville Maroons are the epitome of an old school team name — a random town in Pennsylvania and a color-based name (and maroon at that). The Maroons joined the NFL in 1925 and had the best record in the league. This was largely because the other teams had players commuting from far distances and only showing up for game day. Meanwhile, the Maroons had pretty much all local players who “spent their days hanging around the fire house, drinking Yuengling, playing cards, and tossing footballs in the street.” However, the NFL stripped the Maroons of the championship because they played an “unsanctioned” game the following weekend. The Chicago Cardinals, who had just lost to the Maroons, hastily put together two games and were declared champions by the league in one of the more notable controversies in NFL history. The Maroons would move to Boston and fold in 1929.

12. CINCINNATI CELTS

Founded in 1910, the Cincinnati Celts only played one season in the APFA. Joining the league for its second season in 1921, the Celts (pronounced with a hard “C”) won three games, although only one — a 14-0 win over the Muncie Flyers — came against an APFA team (remember the weird scheduling rules?). That win also saw the only points the Celts scored all season, with the team losing their final three games (all against APFA opponents) by a combined score of 117-0. When the APFA became the NFL in the following season, the Celts were not a member. Poor results combined with other financial troubles meant they could pay the league fees. Some interesting facts about the Celts: they were the first professional football team based in Cincinnati (predating the Bengals by 56 years), they were a traveling team who never played a home game in their one APFA season, and they were coached by Mel Doherty (the team’s C) for their entire existence, which lasted until 1923. 

11. BOSTON YANKS

This is the worst team name in the history of professional sports. I only include the Boston Yanks on the list because of the “no one gives a shit if we rip off another team’s name” aspect. You can thank one person: the team owner, Ted Collins, who was also the manager of singer and TV star Kate Smith. Despite being based in Boston and playing in Fenway Park, Collins picked the name Yanks because he wanted a team that played in Yankee Stadium. Okay. The Yanks had a losing record while in the NFL from 1944-48. But they did play the 1945 season merged with the Brooklyn Tigers as just the “Yanks.” After the 1948 season, the Tigers left the NFL. So, Collins finally got his New York team, folding his Boston franchise for a new one in Brooklyn. Interestingly, the Boston Yanks are the only defunct team to have the first overall draft pick, doing so twice and picking Notre Dame QBs each time. This wasn’t a surprise, as Collins chose the team’s green and gold colors as a homage to the Fighting Irish. Fuck Ted Collins.

10. LOUISVILLE BRECKS

The Louisville Breckenridges (or Brecks for short) franchise is the last professional team from the big four North American sports leagues (NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB) to call Kentucky home. Interestingly though, the Brecks, who were founded in 1899, were supposed to be a traveling team when they joined the APFA in 1921 (paying the $25 league admittance fee). However, because of weird scheduling reasons and other teams being “traveling teams,” the Brecks did play several “home” games at Eclipse Park. That is, until the stadium burned to the ground in 1922, just days after the team’s lone win. Actually, that contest against the Evansville Crimson Giants wasn’t just their only win of 1922 (and the only game in which they scored), but their only victory in their entire NFL existence. The Brecks folded after the 1924 season (not in the NFL), but were quasi-resurrected as the Louisville Colonels for the 1926 campaign. That year would prove to be the last for the franchise, and for the NFL in the Derby City.  

9. STATEN ISLAND STAPLETONS

Of all of the teams on this list, the Staten Island Stapletons spent the longest time as a non-NFL team before joining the NFL, which it did in 1929. They had been independent since 1915, until they got permission from New York Giants owner Tim Mara, who waived territorial rights and allowed Staten Island into the NFL. After some mild success, the Stapletons began to decline in the 1930’s before folding in 1935 for two reasons. Their home field, Thompson Stadium in the Stapleton neighborhood, was too small to bring in enough crowds to turn much of a profit. Not a lot of people could afford to come due to something else happening in the 30’s — the Great Depression. But this didn’t mean some Stapletons didn’t have success. Team owner Dan Blaine later made some nice money from several Staten Island restaurants, though some were rumored to be speakeasies serving alcohol during Prohibition. Also, 5’1″ Stapleton Jack Shapiro is the shortest player to take part in an NFL game, doing so in 1929.

8. PROVIDENCE STEAM ROLLER

This team has been referred to as the “Steam Rollers,” “Steamroller,” and “Steamrollers.” But, it says “Steam Roller” on the banner, to that’s what I’m going with. There are two things we all can agree on though: the Providence Steam Roller is the last NFL champion to become defunct, and their logo is fucking creepy. Seriously, what the hell is that thing? Certainly not a steam roller. Anyway, the Steam Roller was founded in 1916, joined the NFL in 1925, suspended operations in 1931, and folded altogether in 1933. During that time, they made three NFL firsts. Because their home field was then 10,000-seat Cycledrome, they became the first NFL team to host a game at a velodrome. Providence was also the first team to play four games in six days (yikes), going 0-3-1 against the Staten Island Stapletons, Chicago Cardinals, and Frankford Yellow Jackets. During that stretch, they became the first NFL team to host a game at night under floodlights, a practice which was deemed a success. 

7. OORANG INDIANS

There are many unusual details about the Oorang Indians. First, they were a novelty team put together by Airedale Terrier breeder Walter Lingo for the sole purpose of marketing his Oorang dog kennels. A mostly traveling team, Oorang called Lingo’s hometown of LaRue, Ohio its home. With a population well under 1,000, LaRue is the smallest town to have ever been a home to an NFL team (as well as any pro team in American sports history). During its two NFL seasons in 1922-23, the team was entirely comprised of Indigenous American players (hence the name “Indians”). Despite two of those players being HOFers (the legendary Jim Thorpe and RB Joe “Big Chief” Guyon), the Indians only won four games. Perhaps that’s why the most memorable moment in franchise history came at halftime during one of its games, when Nick “Long Time Sleep” Lassa wrestled a bear for entertainment. Lassa got that nickname from his teammates because he was so hard to wake up in the morning. 

6. DAYTON TRIANGLES

Founded in 1913 as the St. Mary’s Cadets and later renamed the Gym-Cadets (whatever that means), the Dayton Triangles took their most famous name in 1916. In case you wonder why a professional sports team decided to name themselves after a random shape/the worst instrument in a marching band, the name “Triangles” actually comes from three major factories in the Dayton area run by the team’s sponsors. Perhaps that grit was best shown by Triangles RB Lou Partlow, known as the “West Carrollton Battering Ram” due to his training routine that involved deliberately smashing into trees. An APFA original in 1920, the Triangles lasted until 1929 by playing primarily as a “traveling team,” declining after strong early seasons due to their refusal to sign non-local players. The Triangles were the modern day New York Jets, winning just five of their last 51 games as a franchise. The comparison seems fitting considering the team moved to Brooklyn and became the Dodgers in 1930. 

5. COLUMBUS PANHANDLES

The earliest known mention of the Columbus Panhandles came in the Columbus Press-Post in 1900 with the creating of the “Panhandle railroad team” consisting of “big hardy railroad men.” Eventually, they fell into the ownership of future HOFer Joseph Carr, who would go on to become the NFL commissioner from 1921-1939. His reign began one year after his Panhandles debuted (along with the league) in 1920. But while Carr made notable contributions, Columbus (a mostly traveling team) didn’t do too much, renaming themselves the Tigers in 1922 before folding in 1926. However, they were notable for housing the early day “football family” (before the likes of the Mannings and Matthews’) — the Nessers. The family featured about a half dozen unusually big and strong men for their time, all playing for the Panhandles for about 20 years. As legendary Notre Dame head coach Knute Rockne put it, “getting hit by a Nesser is like falling off a moving train.” Fitting for “big hardy railroad men.”

4. DULUTH ESKIMOS

One of the few teams on this list to play entirely in the NFL during their tenure, the Duluth Eskimos started out in 1923 as the Kelleys (after the Kelley-Duluth Hardware Store), renamed themselves in 1926, and folded altogether in 1927. But, they made notable history during those four years. By adopting the above igloo, they became the first team in NFL history to have a logo. The ice block house was fitting for the northernmost city at the time, with the Eskimos becoming a traveling team in later years due to not being able to play games later in the season because harsh Minnesota winters left fields frozen over. The Eskimos also employed Ernie Nevers, one of the best football players of the first half of the 20th century. The Eskimos still play a part in the NFL today. When he sold the Eskimos back to the NFL in 1927, owner Ole Haugsrud got first rights for any future NFL team in Minnesota. That deal came in handy more than 30 years later, when he got a 10% stake in the expansion Vikings.

3. RACINE LEGION

Founded in 1915 and sporting a name suited for a hardcore covert team in the U.S. military, you’d think the Racine Legion (also known as the Racine Regulars, Racing Battery C, and Horlick-Racine Legion) would be a badass, unquestioned force in football. However, their best finish was 6th in their debut season of 1922. Still, the Legion made their mark on both NFL and American history. Racine was the winner of the only ever NFL game in which a team scored four points, beating the Chicago Cardinals 10-4 in 1923. The QB for the Legion in that game was a guy named Milton Romney. His cousin, former Michigan Governor George Romney, named his son after Milton’s nickname, “Mitt.” After suspending operations in 1925, the threat of the original American Football League led to Racine’s return in 1926 as the Tornadoes. But, they would fold after that season. Interestingly, the Racine Tornadoes aren’t even the best NFL team with the name “Tornadoes.” What team is? Well…

2. ORANGE TORNADOES

Oh yeah, colorful tornadoes, which is appropriate considering the franchise’s colorful history. Founded in 1887, the Orange Tornadoes entered the NFL in 1929 when meat salesman Piggy Simandl bought the rights to the team formerly known as the Duluth Eskimos. The team moved to Newark in 1930 and went 1-10-1 before calling it quits. But here, it gets complicated. The franchise was sold back to the NFL and was supposed to be given to the highest bidder. The problem? There were no takers. So, the league-owned team played the 1931 season as the Cleveland Indians. The franchise was bought in 1932 and renamed the Boston Braves, which would become the Washington Redskins in 1937. Through all of this, the original Tornadoes owners kept the rights to a barebones organization, which kept resurfacing as various minor league football teams based in Orange, Newark, and Orlando (for some reason) from the 1930’s all the way to its final year of existence in 1970. Got all that?

1. TONAWANDA KARDEX LUMBERMEN

The Tonawanda Kardex Lumbermen — that’s a mouthful! Breaking it down, Tonawanda is a city near Buffalo, Kardex comes from the company which sponsored the team, and Lumbermen is just funny. Founded in 1916, the Lumbermen were a successful team before joining the NFL in 1921, winning the New York state championship in 1917 and playing the Rochester Jeffersons in one of the first Thanksgiving Day games. They played in few games in 1921, with their only league game coming against those same Jeffersons. In the worst game in their existence, the Lumbermen lost 45-0. Due to reasons such ranging from scheduling issues, league fees, and a lack of finances, the Lumbermen would not get another chance, folding shortly after the 1921 season. So, with only one game to their name, they are the shortest-lived team in NFL history. To recap: a complicated old-school name, just one game on their record, and no points scored. Ladies and gentlemen: the one-team embodiment of the early NFL.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Pancake Day! I don’t have a lot to say because I don’t really like pancakes, which is to say I’m not a fan of the New England Patriots’ schedule.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

PHILLY MAN SAVES CHILDREN FROM BURNING BUILDING, CALLS OUT EAGLES’ NELSON AGHOLOR FOR DROPPING PASSES

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. — Philadelphia Eagles fans care a lot about their team. That much was evident when a local hero managed to call out the team for their loss during a news interview after he saved babies from a burning building on Sunday night.

Philly man saves children from burning building, calls out Eagles’ Nelson Agholor for dropping passes

In a clip from CBS Philadelphia, Hakim Laws described the scene of a fire in West Philadelphia, where people off the streets stepped in to save children from the blaze. Smoke made it impossible for the family that was trapped in the building to use the stairs, so Laws teamed up with others to catch the children as the father threw them down.

He then, in impressive fashion, spun that into a critique of the Eagles — in particular one player.

“My man just started throwing babies out the window, we was catching them… unlike [Nelson] Agholor,”  Laws said.

READ MORE

For the record, Agholor dropped two critical passes and had a fumble in the Eagles’ loss to the Detroit Lions. Never change Philly.

By the way, Agholor responded by inviting Laws and his family to the next Eagles home game. Good guy Agholor.

2019 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Taylor: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss $40

Richard $40

Nick: $40

Jimmy: $40

Tyler G: $40

Arik: $40

Riez: $0

Tyler E: $0

Dad: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

SLEEPING GIANTS (2-1) VS. 49ERS (3-0)

The only Top 5 matchup this week, the Sleeping Giants and 49ers also feature two of the four highest-scoring teams so far. As mentioned earlier, Dad’s roster has excelled in odd weeks and horrible in even weeks. This being Week 4, it’s not looking good. If Dad wants to buck the early season trend, Pat Mahomes will need to continue being Pat Mahomes, while several players have to pass potentially tough tests. On paper, the Bears defense (Vikings), Josh Gordon (Bills), and Amari Cooper and Jason Witten (Saints) should put up their usual numbers. However, all of those opponents have been unexpectedly tough, and could continue to do so this week. The same goes for Gee’s lineup, with Joe Mixon (Steelers), the Patriots defense, and Ezekiel Elliott facing low-key tough units. However, guys like Evan Engram, Jared Goff, and Keenan Allen should feast, while Sammy Watkins could counter some of Mahomes’ production. This could be explosive, much like some of the shits left behind in Vegas. 

JOP SUEY!!! (2-1) VS. DARTH RAIDER (2-1)

Yay, another matchup between teams with winning records! It’s gotta feel nice for Jop Suey!!!, which never featured in such a showdown last season. But like a controlling bitch at a bachelor party, Taylor’s scoring struggles put a damper on good feelings last week and threaten future success this weekend. Matt Stafford and Kenny Golladay, who struggled against the Eagles, get to face the Chiefs this time. Michael Thomas, Nick Chubb, and Emmanuel Sanders are all going up against strong defenses, while Josh Jacobs probably won’t do well because the Raiders are on the road (although Oakland has had some success against Indianapolis). Taylor also has to deal with a pissed off Darth Raider looking to rebound from its first loss. Matt Ryan gets to play the same Titans that Gardner Minshew tore apart, while Chris Carson, Austin Ekeler, Travis Kelce, Demarcus Robinson, and the Ravens defense are up against much weaker opponents. Arik should be suited well for a bounce back week. Bad luck for Taylor. 

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (2-1) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-1)

Bye weeks are annoying, taking away from the fun like a stripper’s fishnets getting repeatedly caught on the buttons of your clothes (not a sentence I ever thought I’d write). Both Orchids of Asia and Footballdamus are getting hit by the first bye week of the season, with George Kittle (Ruben) and Matt Brieda (Riez) sitting out. Fortunately, Riez and I are equipped to deal with this thanks to Jarvis Landry and Mark Andrews. My eyes will be on the Texans-Panthers game, where both of my stars — Deshaun Watson and Christian McCaffrey) — will be on the field. As T.Y. Hilton torches my beloved Raiders, I’ll look to live vicariously through the Jaguars defense (against the Broncos) and Khalil Mack to keep whatever momentum I have now. Riez, meanwhile, should get plenty of points from Tom Brady’s biannual show against the Bills and favorable matchups for Todd Gurley, Aaron Donald, Leonard Fournette. I fear for what Riez’s Vikings defense could do against the Bears’ awful offense.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-2) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (0-3)

Some of the week’s biggest games will loom large in this matchup, but a not big game (Cardinals-Seahawks) will likely loom the largest. Not only are the QBs for the Krispy Kritters (Russell Wilson) and C’s Champion Team (Kyler Murray) facing off, but Chriss also has both David Johnson and Wilson’s top WR, Tyler Lockett. For what it’s worth, Richard also has Christian Kirk. Chriss can counter that with guys like Julio Jones, Derrick Henry, Kerryon Johnson, and the Rams defense, which can only be great news unless I’m totally wrong. More bad news for Richard comes in the form of his top RB, Alvin Kamara, going up against his Cowboys defense. Richard will have to hope the likes of Sterling Shepard, Mecole Hardman, Sony Michel, and Zach Ertz step up big time. Chriss looks poised for a win, although he’s been dealt some horrific luck so far this season. The only thing unluckier would be hurting your back so bad you have to walk around Las Vegas with a cane during a bachelor party.

DIXIE NORMOUS (1-2) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-3)

Dixie Normous did next to nothing last week, and things don’t look so good with week. With Jimmy G on a bye week and Drew Brees still out, Nick must turn to (looks)… Case Keenum? Holy shit, dude. It doesn’t get much better. OBJ, Stefon Diggs, Royce Freeman, and Kyle Rudolph are all facing tough defenses, with only Mike Williams and Justin Jackson as all but certain locks to go off this week. The good news? The Three Eyed Ravens has been snakebitten so far this season. However, it seems like Ewing’s bad luck will turn around. Looking to the AFC North, Lamar Jackson should do well against the Browns, while Juju Smith-Schuster is facing the also 0-3 Bengals. While Adam Thielen and John Brown are up against tough defenses, Marlon Mack and Greg Olsen should roll this week. Between Nick’s putrid offense, Ewing’s strong but stricken lineup, and the weirdness that is fantasy football, you might be better off staying in bed for seven hours and watching college football instead. 

GOOD HOME COOKIN (3-0) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (0-3)

During our weekend in Vegas, one member of the bachelor party was so hung over that he described his condition as feeling like he was “getting gang-banged by baseball bats.” That phrase is all I can think about when I look at this matchup. If there’s any confusion as to who will be on the receiving end of the Louisville Sluggers, let’s look at the numbers. Good Home COOKin is in first place and the highest scoring team so far, having put up a league-record point total last week. This week, nearly all of Kyle’s stars — Dak Prescott, Dalvin Cook, Mark Ingram, Phillip Lindsay, DeAndre Hopkins — are facing tough defenses. However, Kyle voodoo bullshit exists, so they’ll probably all drop at least 15 points. Gruden Grinders, meanwhile, is in last place and the second-lowest scoring team. Derek Carr has been so bad that Jimmy has turned to Daniel Jones and is starting two players — D.J. Chark and Wayne Gallman — I had honestly never heard of before writing this preview. Does that all clear up any confusion?

Most of these previews will probably be screwed up because of all the lineup changes once the trades get approved tomorrow and Saturday. So thanks, assholes!

ONE LAST THING

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
This was a fun update to get at the Venetian cabana.
Fuck you, you piece of shit.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

6th-most Hungover Member, Groomsman Party of Emilio Miranda