We’re in October now. Crazy, right? We’re a quarter of the way through the NFL regular season, Halloween candy is lining store shelves, and people are already talking about Thanksgiving. Where the hell did summer go? It was just 100 degrees like a week or two ago! Now I actually have to put on a sweater to go to work. This is bullshit.
With the cold comes various ways to try and beat it. From the aforementioned sweaters to blankets, beanies, sweat pants, and fuzzy socks, we want to get warm. Another nice way to increase your body temperature is to indulge in something nice and warm, like a bowl of soup or a cup of tea.
Or you can go the basic bitch route and grab one of the infernal, incredibly popular coffee shop drinks which signal the start of Fall.
I have never had a pumpkin spice latte, nor do I ever plan on consuming one. I have my reasons, apart from basic decency. First off, I’m not a white girl and do not own a puffy vest or a pair of UGGs. Also, I don’t like coffee. I don’t care how much sugar/spices are mixed in there, coffee tastes like battery acid. Plus, I don’t like the flavor of pumpkin. I’ve never been a pumpkin pie fan and generally don’t like eating pumpkin, although I do like pumpkin seeds. What about the pumpkin spice latte is appealing? Nothing!
(Side note: people don’t love coffee — they love cups full or milk, sugar, and tasty flavorings with hint of coffee. To make coffee taste good, you need to add so many unhealthy ingredients it takes away everything from what coffee is, except for the caffeine. Coffee lovers consider people who like their coffee black [basically just coffee] weird. That’s like liking sandwiches but making fun of someone who likes bread. Y’all need to be honest with yourselves)
What (somewhat unfairly) brings up the overall hatred of pumpkin spice is that it’s spread far beyond just lattes. You can get damn near pumpkin spice-flavored everything. Trust me, I’ve written at least eight stories over the past month or so on some company/store/restaurant selling pumpkin spice [insert item here]. Don’t believe me?
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 8 STUPIDEST PUMPKIN SPICE ITEMS
Because nothing reminds you of Fall like the gym.
Chili = spicy. Pumpkin = spice. This = still doesn’t make sense.
6. KALE CHIPS
Executive: How do we make kale even more disgusting? Intern: I have an idea!
5. EGGNOG
They’ve gotta be fucking with us at this point.
4. DOG TREATS
Taking the term “basic bitches” to a whole new level.
3. BEARD OIL
This might be the most millennial product ever created.
2. SPAM
There are some things which simply shouldn’t exist.
1. LUBE
Talk about “spicing” things up in the bedroom, am I right?
I couldn’t made this list a lot longer, but I wanted to limit these to just the truly odd ones. I also didn’t care too much because fuck pumpkin spice.
Anyway, now to football.
RECAP OF LAST WEEK
GOOD HOME COOKIN (4-0) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (0-4)
98.82 – 93.30
We were so, so close to seeing the upset of the year, a title which probably would’ve stood for the rest of the season. The winless Greater Fools had to come out swinging in order to topple the unbeaten Gruden Grinders, but they didn’t exactly hit as hard as they could. Devante Adams’ 18 points on Thursday night would prove to be the most he would get from anyone. Daniel Jones (14 points) was the only other player to even get above 11 points. OBJ, D.J. Chark, and Darren Waller all failed to bring anything to the table. However, Kyle’s lineup didn’t exactly light the world on fire, either. Though Mike Evans (14 points), Dalvin Cook (13 points), and the Seahawks defense (16 points) did well, Kyle’s star WR, DeAndre Hopkins, had his own failings. Dak Prescott failed to surpass double digits, leaving Jimmy nine points clear heading into Monday Night. However, Devin Bush ended hopes of an upset with a 15-point performance. Wayne Gallman and his 21 points were pretty important on Jimmy’s bench, huh?
49ERS (4-0) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (2-2)
146.28 – 83.90
Like Alabama rising to No. 1 due to Clemson’s narrow escape in North Carolina, Gee might be the new top dog thanks to Kyle’s near miss. The 49ers, like their real life counterparts, remain undefeated thanks to Nick Chubb (who Gee keeps trying to trade away for some reason) and his 36 points. Gee also got a bonus from the Patriots defense (25 points) getting to face a mediocre QB for the third straight weekend and the garbage time production from Jared Goff (25 points). Those three alone would’ve been good enough to beat the Sleeping Giants, but Kenny Golladay (19 points) and company decided to pour on the offense. No one in Dad’s lineup even outscored Golladay — Pat Mahomes (18 points) and the Bears defense (17 points) came the closest. Between that and the poor efforts from guys like Amari Cooper, Kenny Stills, Josh Gordon, Payton Barber, and Jason Witten, this turned into an utter massacre early. Fortunately for Dad, Gee has something which can stop even the most profuse bleeding.
JOP SUEY!!! (3-1) DEF. DARTH RAIDER (2-2)
110.58 – 106.78
Things can change drastically, especially at the start of the season. Two weeks ago, Darth Raider was sitting in first place and Jop Suey!!! was barely not winless. Now, Arik has dropped to 2-2 and Taylor is in third at 3-1, quite possibly the first time he’s been multiple games over .500 since he last had hair on top of his head. Taylor got off to a good start thanks to Aaron Rodgers and his 26 points, but poor days from Sammy Watkins, Joe Mixon, Joey Bosa, and Evan Engram left a possible opening for Arik to take advantage of. While Austin Ekeler (24 points) and Robert Woods (16 points) went off, the rest of Arik’s lineup didn’t do a lot. Matt Ryan (15 points) was average and Taylor probably wouldn’t been better off leaving his defensive spot blank instead of giving it to the Ravens. Terry McLaurin’s injury probably didn’t help, either. Still, Arik had a nice lead going into Monday Night. But like Kyle, Taylor got a boost from the Steelers defense against the hapless Bengals. This close win will prove valuable come season’s end.
FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-1) DEF. ORCHIDS OF ASIA (2-2)
88.90 – 79.50
So I guess I made a deal with the fantasy gods before the season where I get dominant offense during odd weeks and pitiful efforts on even weeks. Christian McCaffrey (24 points) was the only player on Orchids of Asia not to get the memo, but he was also the only person to score more than 11 points for me. In fact, McCaffrey outscored Deshaun Watson, Larry Fitzgerald, D.J. Moore, Julian Edelman, and the Jaguars defense by himself. That’s gonna be a yikes for me, dog. That’s also how Footballdamus managed to get in the win column despite getting nothing from both Delanie Walker and D.J. Metcalf and four points combined from Marquise Brown and the Vikings defense. Sure, Leonard Fournette (24 points) had what I’m willing to bet will be his best game of the whole season and Philip Rivers (20 points) and Todd Gurley (19 points) had big days. But still. Meantime, I’ve now beaten the third- and sixth-highest scoring teams and lost to the lowest and third-lowest scoring teams. Fantasy football is dumb.
C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-3) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-3)
86.44 – 71.60
Where Jimmy failed to break his losing streak, two of last week’s three 0-3 teams managed to finally get a W. Chriss, hopefully recovered from his bad back and Rum & Coke-inspired puking, didn’t put up the best offensive performance. With 17 points, Kyler Murray led C’s Champion Team in scoring, although Chriss’ Johnson & Johnson duo (Kerryon and David) decided to give 13 points each in addition to the $20M they’re paying up in a settlement deal. But even with that mediocre scoring, the Krispy Kritters had an even worse effort. Richard probably would’ve taken Murray’s 17 points, as Russell Wilson was his team’s leader at 14 points. Only four spots in Richard’s lineup even scored more than six points, while Mecole Hardman gave him one fewer point than Dane Cruikshank put forth with his goose egg. Richard’s roster seems to be even more unpredictable than mine; at least I know what I’m getting based on the whole even/odd week thing. But Chriss doesn’t give a shit, because he is, at last, a winner.
THREE EYED RAVENS (1-3) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (1-3)
104.38 – 63.48
This, ladies and gentlemen, is what three weeks’ worth of bad luck turning up good looks like. After back-to-back-to-back close calls, Three Eyed Ravens finally got to experience a win this season, and it wasn’t even close. This unexpected turn of events was as unlikely as the sources of Ewing’s scoring: Jordan Howard (29 points) and Jameis Winston (26 points). Like, where the hell did that come from? Throw in a pair of 13-point efforts from the Chiefs defense and Jaylon Smith (of course Ewing could count on defense), and it was enough to overcome otherwise poor performances from Juju Smith-Schuster and Marlon Mack and goose eggs from Adam Thielen and Greg Olsen. Granted, Ewing needed little to beat Dixie Normous, who put up a pathetic 63-points. Corey Davis (15 points) and James Conner (18 points) were wasted by awfulness across the rest of the lineup, particularly from Case Keenum. Through four games, Kyle has almost doubled Nick in points. How the pumpkin spiced fuck did I lose to Nick?
STANDINGS
GIFT CARD STANDINGS:
- Good Home COOKin (4-0)
- 49ers (4-0)
- Jop Suey!!! (3-1)
- Footballdamus (3-1)
- Darth Raider (2-2)
- Sleeping Giants (2-2)
- Orchids of Asia (2-2)
- C’s Champion Team (1-3)
- Three Eyed Ravens (1-3)
- The Krispy Kritters (1-3)
- Dixie Normous (1-3)
- Gruden Grinders (0-4)
FREE BEER STANDINGS:
- Good Home COOKin (512.12)
- 49ers (491.66)
- Darth Raider (447.78)
- C’s Champion Team (431.04)
- Sleeping Giants (425.10)
- Three Eyed Ravens (416.34)
- Orchids of Asia (400.10)
- Jop Suey!!! (392.98)
- The Krispy Kritters (391.84)
- Footballdamus (379.74)
- Gruden Grinders (330.32)
- Dixie Normous (271.78)
IT’S TIME FOR AN INTERVENTION
If you’ve made it this far, Gee, please take a seat.
You see, this isn’t just a newsletter. This is an intervention. We’re not just your competitors in fantasy football, we’re your friends. When we see one of our own having a severe problem, we want to help them out. I don’t want you to freak out, Gee, but this is for your own good.
Gee, you need to calm the fuck down with trades. I’ve joked about you being the Billy Beane or Vlade Divac of the league for years, but it’s officially gotten out of control. Over the past week, you’ve sent me no fewer than seven trade offers, not one of which I’d even consider agreeing to. I mean I get it, you really want Christian McCaffrey and George Kittle. They’re good players. That’s why I drafted them. But I also know I’m not the only one you’ve made an offer to. You’ve sent Dad about the same amount of requests as me, and goodness knows how many you’ve sent others. Any is too much.
It’s not just about the trades, either. As of this writing, you’ve made 22 moves, more than twice as many as the second-most active manager (Taylor). You’ve said you trade and make moves just for fun, and because you’re convinced Kyle’s going to win the league so who cares. Kyle has only made five moves so far and (despite being the highest scoring team) almost lost to Jimmy, the only winless person in the league. You know Kyle’s in first place? He drafted incredibly well. You drafted well as well and are in second place! And yet you want to tear apart an undefeated team just for shits and giggles. We’re also barely a quarter of the way through the season, meaning a lot can (and will) happen.
Gee, you’re a good friend to all of us. We care about you. That’s why we hate to see you devolve into a Joe Dumars clone thinking he’s Sam Presti. You know what’s really fun? Proving your ability to judge talent by kicking everyone’s ass with the team you drafted. You can do that because you have a good team! Just calm the fuck down and stop annoying us with a new trade request per day!
But I mean if you really want to trade with me, I’ll give you a slightly used Hunter Renfrow and the unbeaten 49ers defense for the banged up Nick Chubb and Ezekiel Elliott.
ATTENTION, MORONS!!!
WE ARE LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 9TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 37 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE!
Every time you ask me when the trade deadline is, I will pour a pumpkin spice latte down your pants.
WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT
Well… that was unexpected!
There were plenty of mistakes made on Sunday. The Raiders took way too many goddamn penalties, especially in the second half. After exploding in the first quarter or so, the Oakland offense really didn’t do much, a recent trend that’s continued this season. Derek Carr had several “just throw it away quickly” moments that just pissed me off. Aaron Rodgers can get away with that shit; eyeliner boy can’t.
However, I’m definitely happy with the Raiders’ performance. Tyrell Williams looks like a legit No. 1 WR, Josh Jacobs is a beast, and we seem to have some depth on offense. Oakland took charge early and got out to a big lead, but I thought this was only a setup. I’ve seen the Raiders do this plenty of times, only to blow it.
But the defense! The defense! It’s been so long since I’ve seen the defense legit stand up and not only hold the lead, but win the game for us. Even when Vontaze Burfict was ejected for this helmet-to-helmet hit, the defense remained strong. Tahir Whitehead stepped up as the signal caller in Burfict’s absence. Maxx Crosby did his best Hakeem Olajuwon impression in blocking Jacoby Brissett’s passes. Lamarcus Joyner, Gareon Conley, and Karl Joseph not only held the Colts’ receivers in check for most of the game, but exhibited some of the hardest, cleanest tackling I’ve seen in recent NFL seasons. Of course, there was Erik Harris’ game-winning pick-six, which made Jimmy and I lose out damn minds. This was the proudest I’ve felt of a Raiders defensive effort in nearly three years.As excited I am about this result, Oakland of course can’t have everything go well. Burfict
has been suspended for the rest of the year (never mind that neither Derek Barnett nor Jonathan Joseph won’t be suspended for their helmet-to-helmet hits on Jamaal Williams and Josh Allen, respectively). I doubt the Raiders defense will play as well without Burfict. Plus, including the departure of Andrew Luck, the Colts also didn’t have T.Y. Hilton (naturally my luck) and felt like dropping every pass Brissett threw.
But you know what? Who cares? The Raiders hadn’t won in Indianapolis since 2001 and generally don’t win when playing east of the Mississippi River. We needed a bounce back win after last week’s shit show, and boy we got it!
Now we just have to keep up the momentum and prepare for our London opponent. Let me check who we’re playing…
… oh.
RETURN OF THE MACK
Fuck.
You all know my thoughts about the indefensible, illogical, cheap, regrettable, moronic, unmitigated disaster that was the Khalil Mack trade. I mean, why pay and keep a young, generational defensive talent when you can trade him for draft picks which you can use on players you hope will turn out to be young, generational talents. Fucking dumbass bullshit stupid motherfucking asshole idiot Raiders front office…
(goddamn it Ruben stop ranting)
Anyway, since being sent to Chicago, Mack has turned from a one-man wrecking ball into a one-man meteor on the Bears defense. I mean, look at this shit…
Remember when I said last weekend was the proudest I’ve felt of a Raiders defensive effort in nearly three years? Well, nearly three years ago against the defending NFC champion Carolina Panthers, Khalil Mack did this and made me lose my voice. That was after he had five sacks the year before against the eventual Super Bowl champions and just months before he won the Defensive Player of the Year award. AND HE’S GOTTEN EVEN BETTER SINCE THEN!!!
So to recap: the Raiders aren’t just playing on the road (where they generally suck), they’re playing in London against a Top 5 NFL defense spearheaded by a general phenom they traded away before the start of last season. Hopefully Mack has no ill will towards Oakland and won’t feel any extra motivation in playing the Raiders for the first time since the trade…
Well… we’re boned. RIP Derek Carr.
Quick, give me something to make me smile.
STAT OF THE WEEK
NFL memes are at their best and most plentiful when the Dallas Cowboys lose.
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On October 3, 1920, the first two official games between NFL teams took place. As mentioned last week, the APFA’s unconventional scheduling rules allowed teams to play non-APFA opponents. While an APFA team (the Rock Island Independents) took the field the week before, they did so against the St. Paul Ideals, who weren’t in the APFA (and lost 48-0). The following week, the Independents were back at it, this time against the Muncie Flyers, an actual APFA team. Rock Island proved the ass-whooping they dealt the week before wasn’t a fluke, defeating Muncie 45-0. On the same day, the Dayton Triangles and Columbus Panhandles kicked off their APFA schedules against each other, with Dayton coming out on top 14-0. Despite what the plaque in the above picture says, it’s unclear which of these two games took place first. Because kickoff times weren’t recorded, we’re just celebrating these two games equally. What both had in common was a big problem in the early days of the NFL: each game was either low-scoring, a shutout, a blowout, or some combination of the three. Through Week 4 of the inaugural season, 20 of the league’s 26 games were shutouts, including THREE 0-0 games and just one game in which both teams scored in double digits. How the fuck did this league last 100 years? By the way, that first full week of games 99 years ago also included the league debut of the Akron Pros, who would go onto win the first ever APFA/NFL championship with an 8-0-3 record. Akron’s first game was a 43-0 win over the Wheeling Stogies, who absolutely would’ve made my name list last week had they ever been an NFL team
.THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:
- 2008 — NFL HOFer O.J. Simpson is found guilty of all 12 counts in the trial related to an armed robbery of sports memorabilia. Sentenced to 33 years in prison, Simpson was released nearly nine years later.
- 2004 — Aaron Samuels asks Cady Heron what day it is.
- 1995 — O.J. Simpson is controversially acquitted on two counts of murder in the trial for the deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Yeah, the two O,J, Simpson court decisions were made on the exact same day 13 years apart. How fucking crazy is that?
- 1990 — The German Democratic Republic is abolished and becomes part of the Federal Republic of Germany.
- 1975 — Frank Robinson is promoted to player-manager by the Cleveland Indians, becoming the first black manager in the majors.
- 1952 — The U.K. successfully tests a nuclear weapon to become the world’s third nuclear power.
- 1949 — WERD, the first black-owned radio station in the U.S., opens in Atlanta.
- 1932 — Iraq gains independence from the U.K.
- 1919 — Cincinnati Reds pitcher Adolfo Luque becomes the first Latin player to appear in a World Series.
- 1888 — The New Zealand Natives rugby team, the first to wear all black and perform the haka before games, kicks off their tour across the British territories.
- 1863 — The last Thursday in November is declared as Thanksgiving Day by President Abraham Lincoln.
- 1789 — President George Washington proclaims a Thanksgiving Day for that year.
BIRTHDAYS:
- 1981 — Zlatan Ibrahimović, soccer star current playing for the LA Galaxy and scorer of some of the most insane goals ever.
- 1980 — Anquan Boldin, former NFL WR and Super Bowl champion.
- 1976 — Seann William Scott, actor best known as Steve Stifler in the American Pie series and Doug Glatt in the Goon movies.
- 1969 — Gwen Stefani, Grammy Award-winning singer/songwriter.
- 1962 — Tommy Lee, drummer for Mötley Crüe and best known for his sex tape with Pamela Anderson.
- 1959 — Greg Proops, actor/comedian best known for his stints on Whose Line is it Anyway? and as the voice of Bob the Builder from 2005-09.
- 1954 — Al Sharpton, Baptist minister and civil rights activist.
- 1954 — Dennis Eckersley, HOF pitcher and current color commentator for NESN and the Boston Red Sox.
- 1952 — Bruce Arians, head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
- 1951 — Dave Winfield, HOF outfielder and World Series champion.
- 1941 — Chubby Checker, rock ‘n roll singer/dancer best known for popularizing the “twist” dance style.
DEATHS:
- 2004 — Janet Leigh, actress and University of the Pacific alumna best known as Marion Crane in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho.
- 1967 — Woody Guthrie, iconic folk singer/songwriter best known for creating the song “This Land Is Your Land.”
- 1936 — John Heisman, football pioneer who helped legalize the forward pass and cut game time from halves into quarters, came up with the idea for the QB to “hike” the ball and for listing downs and yardage on the scoreboard, orchestrated the biggest beatdown in sports history, and is the namesake for the Heisman Trophy Award.
HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!
Happy National Techies Day! Chriss probably could’ve used one on draft day. And this week.
THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW
COUPLE GETS MARRIED ON 50-YARD LINE AT BUFFALO BILLS GAME IN NFL’S FIRST HALFTIME WEDDING
ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. — Over the franchise’s 60 seasons, thousands have vowed their allegiance to the Buffalo Bills.
But say their wedding vows at a game?
Rochester couple Mackenzie Park and Jordan Binggeli of Penfield were married Sunday during halftime of the Bills vs. New England Patriots game. With time of the essence, the ceremony at the 50-yard line wasn’t much longer than a two-minute drill. But how many couples can say retired Bills defensive tackle Kyle Williams presided over their nuptials, New Era Field was their chapel and 70,317 were in attendance?
Diehard fans whose first date was a Buffalo game back in 2008, Park and Binggeli were winners of the “Halftime Wedding Experience of a Lifetime’’ contest sponsored by Reeds Jenss. More than 1,400 couples entered.
The bride entered the stadium through the tunnel end with Bills Hall of Fame quarterback Jim Kelly escorting her as The Bridal Chorus played.
Park wore a white dress, Binggeli a blue suit. The alter was a red, white and blue archway with a Bills logo atop. The couple was presented an autographed football by Bills owner Kim Pegula along with other gifts, including Super Bowl tickets
This an awesome story of football and love! There’s nothing negative I can say about it.
(reads further)
The bride is a Red Sox fan and the groom is a yankees fan?
Absolutely disgusting. This is awful and their marriage is beyond doomed. Never be this desperate for love, gents!
2019 DUES TALLY
Ruben: $40
Taylor: $40
Kyle: $40
Chriss $40
Richard $40
Nick: $40
Jimmy: $40
Tyler G: $40
Arik: $40
Tyler E: $40
Riez: $40
Dad: $0
Really, Dad? How are you the last one here? Come on, man…
THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS
JOP SUEY!!! (3-1) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-1)
Should either Jop Suey!!! or Footballdamus be 3-1? Probably not. Do neither Taylor nor Riez give a shit? Definitely. Only one can be 4-1, but will it be the team starting Andy Dalton? Taylor begins his post-Aaron Rodgers era with the Red Rifle, who (along with Joe Mixon and Tyler Boyd) might finally fire against the lowly Cardinals. Michael Thomas should also do well against the vulnerable Buccaneers defense. As for Riez, Philip Rivers will likely tear up the terrible Broncos, while the Vikings defense can take advantage of the rookie Daniel Jones, which would be bad news for Taylor’s Evan Engram. Apart from these, there aren’t really and surefire projections in this matchup. With how up and down most of the teams have been so far, Todd Gurley and Leonard Fournette could run through the Seahawks and Panthers, respectively, or be stonewalled. The Bills defense could very well shut down the Titans, who are the most unpredictable team in football. So who the hell knows? I don’t, and I have five more of these to write.
ORCHIDS OF ASIA (2-2) VS. 49ERS (4-0)
As of this writing, the Yahoo! projections for Orchids of Asia and 49ers have them being two of the three highest scoring teams this week, at 107 and 118 points, respectively. There are two reasons this won’t be as log-scoring. 1. Gee’s team is pretty damn good. Jameis Winston and Chris Godwin have been God-like lately, though they do face a challenge in the tough Saints defense. Keenan Allen and Ezekiel Elliott should continue to kill it this week. The Patriots defense gets to feed on yet another cupcake team in the Redskins. So yeah, Gee’s gonna score a lot. 3. It’s an odd week, which means my offense should actually show up. It makes sense, considering Deshaun Watson, Larry Fitzgerald, and Julian Edelman have great matchups. With Christian McCaffrey and D.J. Moore facing the Jaguars, I’ve switched to the 49ers defense for this week (please oh please stop Nick Chubb). I should also get around 50 points when Khalil Mack decapitates Derek Carr, so I’ve got that going for me.
SLEEPING GIANTS (2-2) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-3)
Speaking of Yahoo! scoring projections, the Sleeping Giants and Krispy Kritters have the closest projections of the week, with less than half a point separating them. From the looks of things, there are a lot of signs that the website is actually accurate. Dad gets to join in on the Bears defense’s assault on the Raiders, while also enjoying the spoils of Josh Gordon versus the Redskins and Pat Mahomes and Damien Williams going up against the same Colts team which just lost to Oakland at home. However, Payton Barber, Jimmy Graham, and Amari Cooper are facing tougher defenses, and Richard has Mecole Hardman, which could limit Mahomes’ benefit to Dad. Richard also has Russell Wilson against the same Rams defense which just got torn up in Tampa Bay, as well as Allen Robinson against the Raiders defense. Having guys like Alvin Kamara, Sony Michel, and Zach Ertz is pretty nice as well. Still, Richard’s fate could hang on the success of his Cowboys defense against the powerful Packers.
THREE EYED RAVENS (1-3) VS. DARTH RAIDER (2-2)
At this point, Darth Raider might be as desperate for a win as Three Eyed Ravens was last week. But if Arik wants to snap his losing streak, his guys have to do much better. Fortunately for him, signs point to yes. Demarcus Robinson and Travis Kelce are up against the Colts, Ausin Ekeler gets to run wild against the Broncos, Chris Carson faces the suddenly vulnerable Rams, and the Titans defense may potentially face Matt Barkley. Matt Ryan has to come through though, which as we know hasn’t exactly been a guarantee this season. However, even if the pieces fall into place, Ewing is looking good for this week. Steelers-Ravens matchups are usually low-scoring, but guys like Lamar Jackson and Juju Smith-Schuster threaten to blow it open, to Ewing’s benefit. If that doesn’t work, Adam Thielen, Jordan Howard, Marlon Mack, and James While are all set to bring plenty of points. While the Colts offense has had issues, the Chiefs defense may still be in a fight, especially of T.Y. Hilton returns from injury (please please please).
DIXIE NORMOUS (1-3) VS. GOOD HOME COOKIN (4-0)
So remember how I said last week that Kyle would annihilate Jimmy and then he barely won? Well, allow me to double down and say Good Home COOKin will destroy Dixie Normous. I think the facts are with me this time. I mentioned earlier how Kyle has almost doubled Nick in scoring over the first four weeks, but the numbers go further than that. Nick has yet to break 83 points this season, while Kyle’s lowest total is 98 so far. While Nick will get Jimmy G and LeVeon Bell back, the Browns and Eagles defenses can be lethal. Nick also has Stefon Diggs and Kyle Rudolph, but they have a Kirk Cousins problem. Akiem Hicks (if he’s healthy) and James Conner will have to step up, especially with Kyle’s loaded lineup. Dalvin Cook gets to run through the Giants, while that potentially nasty Eagles defense can eat up the Jets. However, there are some key players (Dak Prescott, Mike Evans, DeAndre Hopkins, Mark Ingram) in potentially tough matchups. Is that… hope for Nick? No, it can’t be. Impossible.
GRUDEN GRINDERS (0-4) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-3)
Oh so close to win No. 1 last week, Gruden Grinders goes back to the grind against C’s Champion team, which finally got its own first W. If Chriss wants another one, there may be need to be some luck involved. While Kyler Murray and David Johnson may have a winnable game against the Bengals, they are also the 0-4 Cardinals. What’s more, Tyler Lockett is facing Chriss’ Rams defense and Derrick Henry is against the tough as nails Bills defense. Julio Jones needs to step it up. Jimmy, however, might also need some good fortune. While his roster is primed with potential booms in Aaron Rodgers, Davante Adams, OBJ, Josh Jacobs, and Aaron Jones, they’re all up against some potentially strong defenses which could make them busts. Speaking of defense, Jimmy’s Chargers may be the most sure thing against a terrible Broncos offense. There is this, though: because of Chriss’ technological problems, he might not be able to change his lineup, leaving a Kerryon Johnson-sized hole for Jimmy to exploit.
ONE LAST THING
Commercials featuring athletes who can’t act are usually pretty cringe-worthy. However, the Nissan Heisman House does a pretty good job at churning out quality work.
Their latest commercial, featuring Kyler Murray holding a baseball bat instead of a football, might be my favorite one. Bo Jackson steals the show and Tim Tebow gets in a good cameo at the end. Check it out.
Hey look, it’s Murray in green and yellow! Oh what could’ve been, A’s fans…
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
1,531,718th Biggest Lover of Pumpkin Spice Lattes in Sacramento County
Ruben's Writings 
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