Ruben's Writings

Something happened a week ago that was utterly amazing, but not in time for me to squeeze into the last newsletter. On a rare day where I was in the control room for our 7 a.m. show, we happened to have a couple guests promoting their comedy show. One was Asad Mecci, a quite funny hypnotist who has a new a hypnosis-based improv show that was making a stop in Modesto that weekend. His partner, the other guest in our studio…

Colin fucking Mochrie.

Now, some of you uncultured swine might re-arrange the f-bomb and ask “who the fuck is Colin Mochrie?” First of all, how dare you. Second of all, you have obviously never heard of the incredibly hilarious show Whose Line Is It Anyway?, in which case I am actually judging you.

Whose Line is an American adaptation of a British improv comedy show of the same name. Four cast members participate in various games of sketches, which involve creating characters, using props, or making up songs based on audience suggestions or whatever happens on stage. If you’ve ever heard of ComedySportz, think something similar except infinitely funnier. The whole show is presided over by a host, who hands out make-believe points and determines a “winner” at the end of each night. During the show’s original run (1998-2007), Drew Carey was the host. When it was revived in 2013 (it’s still on, by the way!), Aisha Tyler took over hosting duties. More than 20 years after it began, the humor still shows strong.

This all might sound like a slightly weird theater thing, but let me assure you this creates some of the most hilarious situations I’ve ever seen. One of the four cast member spots is a constantly rotating seat involving a number of guests, from Brad Sherwood and Chip Esten to Keegan-Michael Key. Stephen Colbert, Whoopi Goldberg, and even Robin goddamn Williams have been on the show. While each of these guests can bring their own special brand of humor to the show, the real magic comes from the other three cast members.

Those spots are taken up by Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles, and Mochrie, the latter two having been a part of the show since its inception across the pond. Brady is sharp, talented, and incredible at the musical games, easily above any guest (except for Williams) in terms of comedy chops. But Mochrie and Stiles are on a whole other level. Both are incredibly talented, witty, adaptable, quick, and not afraid to live up to their physical looks/stereotypes. 

Their chemistry with each other is amazing, as some games work simply by leaving Colin and Ryan to their own devices. Wayne fits in seamlessly and all three bounced off each other well. Drew, the host during the show’s golden era, was terrible at games but played his role to perfection, serving as a judge, punching bag, and puncher at the same time.

I forget how I came upon the show, but once I got a glimpse I was hooked. As Ewing can attest, we spent countless high school hours looking up old Whose Line clips on YouTube and laughing our asses off. We’ve practically memorized some of the most memorable sketches. In fact, let’s see if I can trigger some laughter by saying some trigger words, Winter Soldier style.

Tapioca. Backstreet Boys. Meow. The cat. Horror. Mary Had a Little Lamb. Come. Africa is a big country. Fluff your Garfield.

In fact, Ewing and Dad were the first people I texted about Mochrie, after all these years, being in my goddamn work. We have guests all the time and talk to celebrities over satellite (I’ve spoken to Dak Prescott, Jerry Jones, Sheryl Crow, Alexander Skarsgård, and Ice Cube in the past year). However, this was the first time I’d ever been genuinely star struck. Stammering some words I hope he understood and letting him know we were big fans, me and our 6 a.m. producer left the booth WHILE THE SHOW WAS ON AIR to take this picture.

Man, if 16-year-old Ruben could see this, he would lose his shit.

Anyway, to demonstrate just how funny and diverse the show is (and to have an excuse to re-watch and share a bunch of old clips), let’s go through some of the best games ever played on the show. This being late 90’s/early 00’s TV, get ready for square screens, minimal pixels, and some of the worst fashion you’ll ever see. 

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 14 WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? GAMES

I didn’t realize just how many games these guys played over the years. Narrowing them down was painful and time consuming, but I finally did it. With all due respects to Hats, Hollywood Director, and If You Know What I Mean (the one game Colin sucked at), here they are…

14. SIT, STAND, BEND

Also known as Sit, Stand, Lie… Sit, Stand, Bend requires one of the three presenters to be sitting, another to be standing, and another to be bending over at all times. Naturally, when one presenter changes positions, the others have to react, often to hilarious results. In addition to being funny, this game requires pretty quick thinking on the part of the presenters. Probably the best example of this is when Wayne and Colin play the role of a couple arguing with a car salesman (Ryan). The last 20ish seconds of that segment are hysterical.

13. MISSION IMPROBABLE

The first of the “let Colin and Ryan have fun” games, Improbable Mission has two presenters handle a mundane task in a way that Ethan Hunt and company would. With suspenseful music playing in the background, each increasingly over-the-top step in their plan is made all the funnier. I had to include this game on the list because the “laundry” edition gave us a Top 5 all-time laughter moment when Colin misspoke, invoked a cat, and caused all hell to break loose. Shoutouts to Thomas Guides, burnooses, and Wayne cracking up in the background.

12. DEAD BODIES

Whenever Colin gets to be in charge of the direction a game goes, it usually results in something amazing. Such is the case with Dead Bodies, when three presenters and/or a guest go limp, leaving the last presenter (usually Colin) to physically guide them through a scene. While shouldering the burden of an entire skit can be challenging, Colin rises up to the occasion every time, usually forcing some smiles from the should-be-silent cast. Colin also tends to include some raunchy/embarrassing moments, particularly for Ryan and Drew.

11. PROPS

I have absolutely no idea where they found all of the weird, random props used in Props, and quite frankly I don’t want to know. Some are simply re-purposed pool toys, others are just random as hell and pretty bizarre. But wherever they came from, these props have been used by teams of two contestants to make rapid fire one-liners, going back and forth to try and one-up each other. While I get why these skits are often the shortest in the show (like two minutes tops), it still sucks that these great ideas only come in small portions at a time.

10. LIVING SCENERY

A game full of opportunity for embarrassment and hilarity, Living Scenery requires two cast members acting out a scene, while physically manipulating two other people to serve whatever prop purposes they need. Because the two human props can be cast members or audience members or someone else, this skit can be hit-or-miss. However, it’s also produced the funniest scene I’ve ever seen on television: the Richard Simmons sketch. I’ve rarely laughed as hard as I did when I first saw Richard and Wayne be the props for Colin and Ryan’s tropical vacation.

9. WEIRD NEWSCASTERS

Weird Newscasters, a game close to my heart, seems like it relies on the three cast members who play the co-anchor, meteorologist, and sports anchor with odd personalities. But it’s actually the fourth cast member, who plays the normal, straight-laced anchor who can take the game to the next level. It happened when Colin got moved from the co-anchor to the normal anchor role. Ever since then, he’s led each sketch with either a witty one-liner or an elaborate, pun-based joke disguised as a news story. Colin really shows off his genius here.

8. LET’S MAKE A DATE

Another in a series of “three people with odd personalities,” Let’s Make a Date features Ryan, Colin, and (usually) Wayne as three eccentric potential dates for a single matchmaking show contestant, played by the fourth cast member who has to guess the quirk for the other three. While each of the three dates are quite funny on their own right, the way they interact with each other during the sketch. Let me tell you, you’ve never seen it all unless you’ve seen Ryan watching a stool give birth to his son, while Colin has his arms wrapped around him.

7. PARTY QUIRKS

Just like Let’s Make a Date, Party Quirks features Wayne, Colin, and Ryan playing three distinct and odd things while the fourth cast member tries to guess who they are. This time, the three others are guests invited to a party hosted by the fourth person. I like this game better because there’s a bit more diverse options for the personalities, and there’s more room for them to interact. Party Quirks also produced one of the great “whoops” moments in Whose Line history, when Ryan accidentally broke the glass on the light on Drew’s desk with his head.

6. THREE-HEADED BROADWAY STAR

People put their heads together to think through problems, which is the case in Three-Headed Broadway Star. Three cast members join forces to make up and sing a big musical number based on an audience suggestion. The key: they can only sing one word at a time, rotating counterclockwise between the three with each word. When the cast members actually are on the same page, they can create something that’s incredibly well done. But when one of them, in particular Drew, screws up, it can lead to a train wreck, albeit a hilarious one.

5. SOUND EFFECTS

When Sound Effects was first introduced, it was Colin acting out a scene and Ryan providing all of the sound effects. While this was already a great premise, the game turned a corner when they decided to have both Colin and Ryan do a scene, with two audience members providing the sound effects. While Ryan is a professional actor who knows what he’s doing, two random people do not, even when provided clear directions as to what sounds they should make. The results have sometimes left Drew (and those watching) in fits of hysterics.

4. GREATEST HITS

Greatest Hits is high on this list, but not because of why the game was created: to have Wayne and the fourth cast member sing made-up songs on “greatest hits” CDs. What makes this game legendary is Colin and Ryan introducing each song. The ongoing joke is that Ryan plays the straight man, while Colin says the most random shit in response. This game has provided like half of the Whose Line moments where Colin broke Ryan by coming with some left field joke or exclamation. There are too many to count, so just watch this and laugh your asses off.

3. IRISH DRINKING SONG

There are two song-based games which happen at the end of each show where all four cast members participate. The first, Irish Drinking Song, has the guests trade off lines in an eight-line stanza, rotating three times to complete the four-stanza song. However, they sometimes don’t get to finish the whole thing for one reason: Colin. He absolutely hates doing the Irish Drinking Song, so he’ll often throw in a random line or reference a joke from earlier with the sole purpose of breaking his fellow cast members. The result: laughter, laughter, and absolute laughter.

2. HOEDOWN

While being one of the funniest and most consistent games in all of Whose Line, Hoedown might in fact be the least favorite of all the cast members. To have to think up a four-line song about a random topic is hard enough, but sometimes people steal your rhyme and you have to start from scratch. No one hates Hoedown more than Ryan, who has often resorted to intentionally screwing up or completely ignoring the topic and creating a song solely about how he hates Hoedowns. However, Hoedown can be used as a nice method of revenge.

1. SCENES FROM A HAT

This is the most iconic Whose Line game, the one people are most likely to think about when you ask if they’ve ever watched the show. Drew pulls out a colorful hat filled with suggestions written down by audience members before the show. Whichever topic he picks, each of the four cast members can step forward and do their response. It’s a whole bunch of witty one-liners being made by some of the best improv comedians around, and it’s produced some pure magic. As a whole, Scenes From a Hat is the most consistently funny game on the entire show.

Alright, enough going on about the funniest show ever put on T.V. Let’s get to football

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

GRUDEN GRINDERS (1-4) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-4)

133.62 – 80.32

Ladies and gentlemen, Gruden Grinders will not be joining the likes of the 2008 Detroit Lions and 2017 Cleveland Browns in the ranks of the winless. It has taken five weeks to get in the win column, but Jimmy finally did it, and did so with a vengeance. It didn’t matter that Aaron Rodgers finished in the single digits and Jimmy left at least 30 points on the bench. Another Aaron, Jones, decided to drop 42 points, more than half of C’s Champion Team’s total. Combined with D.J. Chark’s 28 points and Josh Jacobs’ 26 points, Jimmy would’ve beaten four teams this week with those three players alone. That includes Chriss’ roster, which aside from Kyler Murray (25 points), David Johnson (15 points), and Derrick Henry (13 points) did absolutely nothing. When your opponent has three players who scored more than your top player, you’re gonna have a bad time, especially when you have a Kerryon Johnson-sized whole in your lineup. Just one week after getting his first win, Chriss finds himself on the other side of such a matchup. 

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (3-2) DEF. 49ERS (4-1)

172.04 – 109.08

See, I told you I’d score more points than projected. What I couldn’t possibly predict was that I’d come less than two points from the all-time single week scoring record. Orchids of Asia’s odd week voodoo magic kicked in to overdrive, thanks to Deshaun Watson and Christian McCaffrey, both scoring 41 points. If I’d lost with two players getting 41 points, I probably would’ve resigned from the fantasy football. Fortunately, the 49ers defense (19 points), Julian Edelman (17 points), George Kittle (14 points), and Adam Vinatieri (13 points) provided plenty of backup. All of this was more than enough to knock the fantasy 49ers from the ranks of the unbeaten, despite a strong effort. Chris Godwin (26 points) continued his torrid tear, with Jameis Winston (17 points) and Ezekiel Elliott (16 points) giving Gee decent contributions. I’d go one more about guys like Keenan Allen and Tyler Eifert doing poorly, but at this point it would be like beating a dead horse, which is pretty much what happened in this matchup on Monday Night. 

JOP SUEY!!! (4-1) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-2)

120.58 – 89.24

Well, this season is starting out much better for Jop Suey!!! than anyone thought. Taylor came out ahead in the “Wow, the winner will be 4-1” Bowl, doing so easily despite getting nothing from an injured Sammy Watkins. Michael Thomas and his 30 points had a lot to do with that, while Taylor’s pair of Bengals (Andy Dalton and Tyler Boyd) brought him 18 points each. However, the biggest factor has to be terrible mismanagement on the part of Footballdamus. Sure, Riez got a big boost from his main RBs, Todd Gurley (15 points) and Leonard Foutnette (20 points), but he also left Matt Brieda and his 24 points on the bench in favor of Deebo Samuel and his goose egg. What’s more, Riez’s production was halted by a poor, single-digit effort from Philip Rivers, who has been frankly having a subpar season thus far. For some reason, Riez went with him over Tom Brady. Brady and Brieda’s combined point difference not only would’ve won Riez the matchup, but done so by double digits. Instead, it’s one step forward, one step back.

THREE EYED RAVENS (2-3) DEF. DARTH RAIDER (2-3)

108.64 – 94.90

Speaking of taking a step forward, Three Eyed Ravens is doing is best phoenix impression in rising from the ashes of an 0-3 start. Adam Thielen (26 points), Marlon Mack (14 points), Jordan Howard (12 points), and Juju Smith-Schuster (12 points) provided enough support for back-to-back wins. Although Lamar Jackson (14 points) didn’t do much, he was certainly better than the alternative (Baker Mayfield). Meanwhile, speaking of taking a step back, Darth Raider has seen a first place start slip into a losing record. Since the loss of Saquon Barkley, Arik has been getting on with his RB corps thanks to Chris Carson (18 points), but struggling with his flex position. His most recent option was Phillip Dorsett, who got injured before he could do anything. Matt Ryan (32 points) might’ve balled out, but couldn’t overcome an overall lack of production. This matchup could’ve been a blowout had Ewing put in Will Fuller and his 39 points. But, I can’t say I would’ve swapped him out for anyone in the lineup, so I won’t give Ewing shit for it. 

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-3) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (2-3)

117.62 – 105.44

You know it’s been a week of blowouts when the closest matchup is decided by a 12-point margin. But this was still a good one, with the Krispy Kritters and Sleeping Giants pretty much making smart decisions and leaving it all on the virtual gridiron. Russell Wilson (28 points) is becoming an MVP contender, much to the joy of Richard, who also benefited from Sony Michel (18 points) playing the Redskins and a scoring burst from Allen Robinson (21 points). Dad had his own scoring burst, this one from Amari Cooper (28 points) to make up for down days from Josh Gordon and the Bears defense (more on that later). In the end, this one was decided by the Kansas City Chiefs’ unexpected stifling at the hands of the Indianapolis Colts. While Richard got a goose egg from LeSean McCoy, Dad was hurt worse, with any hopes of a comeback put out by a relatively poor day for Pat Mahomes (18 points) and a terrible job by Damien Williams. Though Joe Schobert (12 points) did his best, the deficit was too great to overcome.

GOOD HOME COOKIN (5-0) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (1-4)

138.52 – 63.64

Speaking of blowouts… wow. I mean… wow. I told you this was my stone cold pick for an ass-whooping, and Good Home COOKin and Dixie Normous did not let me down. Kyle responded to last week’s close call against Jimmy by reverting to form against Nick, but it was because of an unexpected ally. With 35 points, Kyle’s leading scorer: the Eagles… DEFENSE? Kyle used defense to win big? Hell has truly frozen over. Of course, Kyle had plenty of offense as well, particularly from the likes of Dak Prescott (26 points), Phillip Lindsay (20 points), and Dalvin Cook (19 points). That’s how you survive a rare goose egg from Mike Evans. It also helps that Nick has apparently given up after getting his one win of the season (goddamn it). With 14 points, Jimmy G was Nick’s highest scorer… but only the fifth-highest scorer from both teams. James Conner was the only other player to get Nick double digits, with Stefon Diggs, Golden Tate, and Corey Davis all failing miserably. Five weeks in, Nick has only broken 80 points once.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. Good Home COOKin (5-0)
2. 49ers (4-1)
3. Jop Suey!!! (4-1)
4. Orchids of Asia (3-2)
5. Footballdamus (3-2)
6. Darth Raider (2-3)
7. Sleeping Giants (2-3)
8. Three Eyed Ravens (2-3)
9. The Krispy Kritters (2-3)
10. C’s Champion Team (1-4)
11. Gruden Grinders (1-4)
12. Dixie Normous (1-4)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Good Home COOKin (650.64)
2. 49ers (600.74)
3. Orchids of Asia (572.14)
4. Darth Raider (542.68)
5. Sleeping Giants (530.54)
6. Three Eyed Ravens (524.98)
7. Jop Suey!!! (513.56)
8. C’s Champion Team (511.36)
9. The Krispy Kritters (509.46)
10. Footballdamus (468.98)
11. Gruden Grinders (463.94)
12. Dixie Normous (335.42)

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 9TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 30 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Unlike the points, this deadline does matter.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Like my luggage after my own overseas excursions, there’s a lot to unpack from the Raiders’ trip to London. Something I didn’t expect to be brought back to Oakland: a win.Yes, the Chicago Bears were without the Titty Kisser. However, the Raiders didn’t have Tyrell Williams AND J.J. Nelson, essentially forcing them to focus on the run game. This wouldn’t seem a problem, except Oakland was facing arguably the best defensive unit overall and the top run stoppers in all of football. Going into Sunday, the Bears hadn’t allowed 100 yards rushing to a team this season and Chicago’s highest-scoring opponent had only managed 15 points. Plus, there was the whole pissed off Khalil Mack revenge thing.

So naturally, the Raiders won 24-21 behind Josh Jacobs (selected with the 1st round pick acquired in the Mack trade) and his 123 rushing yards and two TDs, all while holding Mack to just three tackles and not giving up a sack.

WHAT?!?!?!

The Raiders were on a mission from God in the first half, utterly dominating the line of scrimmage and running over Chicago en route to a 17-0 lead, more points than the Bears had given up in a game all year. I was completely dumbfounded by what I was watching and loving every minute of it (except for Richie Incognito’s dumb ass costing us at least three points). However, there was a dark cloud forming in my mind. Oakland blowing leads is something I’m not unfamiliar with, so I was waiting for the inevitable downturn.

Boy, it came. The weekly quarter-long implosion happened in the 3rd, with a botched toss (gotta fall on that shit, Jacobs!) leading to a Bears TD, which led to two more TDs and the Raiders trailing. It didn’t help that Derek Carr did that “throw the ball into the ground less than two seconds after snapping it” thing I absolutely love a few times. The Raiders tried to right the ship in the 4th, but fumbled the ball on the goal line. Between this and a potential game-changing INT being overturned by an absolute fucking bullshit roughing the passer call (which incredibly might not have been the worst such call that day because referees are stupid, inconsistent, and awful), I assumed Oakland was doomed.

Then, the Raiders put together a nearly six-minute, 97-yard TD drive highlighted by a running into the kicker call and a 4th and 1 fake punt from our own 27-yard line and capped by another Jacobs TD with less than two minutes left. A Gareon Conley pick and a Maurice Hurst redemption sack later (note that Hurst did Mack’s sack dance), and Oakland had actually won the damn game.

I shouldn’t feel good about this victory. This win should’ve been in the bag, but the Raiders shot themselves in the foot and the Bears made the plays to take the lead. There are still a number of issues we need to fix. But goddamn it, we did it. With everything going against Oakland — being on the road, the whole Khalil Mack thing, no WR1/2, facing the Bears defense, the shitty roughing the passer call, blowing a massive lead — the Raiders still found a way to pull out the victory. That feels pretty damn good.

At the end of the day, we’re 3-2 heading into a much-needed by week. We’ll be capping our road trip with some tough contests in Green Bay and Houston, but doing so riding the momentum of the first winning streak in the Gruden 2.0 Era. 

As a wise man once said: just win, baby! It’s something only one Gruden can say right now.

HELL TO THE REDSKINS

15 hours later…

Guess that key card didn’t work, huh?
Things can change quickly in the NFL. Going into Week 11 of last year, Jay Gruden and the Washington Redskins were 6-3 and in playoff/division contention. Then, Alex Smith got Joe Theismanned, Washington went 1-6 to close out the year, the Redskins offseason happened, and Gruden becomes the first coach to be fired this season after starting the year 0-5. While I think Gruden certainly shoulders some of the blame, let’s not forget the success he had before the snap and the fact that four of the Redskins’ five opponents this season — Eagles, Cowboys, Bears, Patriots — are playoff contenders. What makes this extra fucked up is that, not only did Gruden get fired at 5 a.m., he did so right before they play the Miami Dolphins, pretty much the lone team left on Washington’s schedule they’d be favored to beat.
If only there was some over-arching factor in the Redskins organization playing in a roll in the team’s losing and overall mediocrity… oh by the way, Gruden leaves as the winningest head coach in the Dan Snyder era. It’s not like there hasn’t been some talent in the organization, even considering those who never got to take the reigns in Washington.

Sure, it’s tough to gauge how successful NFL assistants can be, but this is too funny not to share. Now, who’s taking over in our nation’s capital…

… wait, there’s no way it could it be THAT Bill Callahan, right?

(looks)

Holy shit. 

For those who don’t know, Callahan has only been a head coach once before. In 2002, Callahan took over the Oakland Raiders after Jon Gruden was traded to Tampa Bay. While he did lead the Raiders to Super Bowl XXXVII in his first season, Callahan was also crushed by his predecessor and the Buccaneers, in part due to Callahan’s refusal to change the way his team called plays at the line. With Jon Gruden’s knowledge of the Raiders’ offense, Tampa Bay knew what was coming. In addition, Callahan changed up Oakland’s game plan from a run-heavy attack to a pass-heavy one the Friday before the big game. While this partially made sense due to Barret Robins going AWOL and having MVP Rich Gannon as the QB, the changes being made and not made drew some ire. In fact, Tim goddamn Brown and Jerry fucking Rice suggested Callahan sabotaged the Raiders because he was disgruntled at not being allowed to follow Gruden to Tampa Bay. Oakland also went 4-12 the year after, leading to Callahan’s firing. So yeah, Raiders fans do not like Bill Callahan.

Also, the fact that Callahan got both of his head coaching opportunities by taking over for both Gruden brothers is not lost on me. Wait a minute… the last team Callahan’s predecessor went to kicked his team’s ass in the Super Bowl…

JON, HIRE YOUR LITTLE BROTHER RIGHT NOW! THIS IS OUR KEY TO WINNING THE SUPER BOWL! LET’S GET REVENGE ON CALLAHAN!

STAT OF THE WEEK

AT&T Stadium, or Aaron R&J (Rodgers & Jones) Stadium? Also, there’s this…

I don’t give a shit about the stat. This picture of Ezekiel Elliott is fucking hilarious/horrifying.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 10, 1999, the Wicked Witch was finally killed. For the St. Louis Rams, the witch was red and gold instead of green and did not come from the Land of Oz, but rather the Bay Area. The San Francisco 49ers of the 90’s had absolutely owned the Rams, with a 26-10 win in Los Angeles in 1990 kicking off a 17-game winning streak over their divisional rivals (the longest such streak is the Miami Dolphins beating the Buffalo Bills 20 consecutive times from 1970-80). San Francisco’s dominance spanned three different cities (the Rams moved from LA to St. Louis in 1995) and got to the point where 49ers fans referred to their punching bag as the “same old sorry ass Rams.” But everything changed for the Rams in 1999, when the Greatest Show on Turf took the NFL by storm, lighting up scoreboards en route to the franchise’s Super Bowl title. In Week 5 of that magical season, the dreaded 49ers came to town. But the Rams were done bending over, with former grocery bagger and future NFL/Super Bowl MVP Kurt Warner throwing five TDs in a 42-20 ass-whooping which snapped nearly a decade of misery. Four of those scores went to Isaac Bruce, who finished with 134 yards on just five catches. The win was so thorough that 49ers executive Bill Walsh interrupted Rams head coach Dick Vermeil’s post-game press conference to tell him (correctly), “You’re going all the way.” There are two coincidences about this anniversary. The year the 17-game winning streak began was 1990, the last year San Francisco had started a season 4-0 before this current campaign. To go to 5-0, Jimmy G and the 49ers must take a trip to LA (where the streak was started) and defeat, you guessed it, the Rams

.THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2018 — Hurricane Michael, which left 57 people dead and $25.1B in damage, makes landfall in the Florida Panhandle as a Category 5 storm.
• 2010 — The Netherlands Antilles are dissolved as a country.
• 1971 — Vice President Spiro Agnew resigns after being charged with evasion of federal income tax.
• 1970 — Quebec’s vice-premier is kidnapped by members of the FLQ during Canada’s October Crisis.
• 1970 — Fiji becomes independent.
• 1964 — The opening ceremony for the Summer Olympics takes place in Tokyo, the first ceremony to be relayed live by satellites.
• 1957 — President Dwight Eisenhower apologizes to Ghanaian finance minister Komla Gbedemah after he is refused service in a Delaware restaurant
• 1913 — President Woodrow Wilson triggers the explosion of the Gamboa Dike, completing major construction on the Panama Canal.
• 1871 — The Great Chicago Fire is put out, after killing about 300 people, destroying roughly 3.3 square miles of the city, and leaving more than 100,000 people homeless.
• 1846 — Triton, the largest moon of the planet Neptune, is discovered by English astronomer William Lassell.
• 1845 — The U.S. Naval Academy opens in Annapolis, MD with 50 students.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1990 — Geno Smith, backup QB for the Seattle Seahawks and IK Enemkpali punching victim.
• 1986 — Andrew McCutchen, Philadelphia Phillies OF and former NL MVP.
• 1984 — Troy Tulowitzki, former MLB SS who’s probably injured.
• 1974 — Chris Pronger, one of the best/dirtiest hockey players of the modern era.
• 1974 — Dale Earnhardt Jr., semi-retired NASCAR driver and racing icon.
• 1973 — Mario Lopez, actor/ T.V. host best known as A.C. Slater on Saved by the Bell.
• 1969 — Brett Favre, HOF QB, Super Bowl champion, dick pic sender, and former lover of Mary Jensen.
• 1967 — Gavin Newsom, CA Governor.
• 1959 — Bradley Whitford, actor best known as Josh Lyman on The West Wing, AKA the best show ever made.
• 1954 — David Lee Roth, musician and lead singer for Van Halen.
• 1946 — Charles Dance, actor best known as Tywin Lannister on Game of Thrones.

DEATHS:

• 2012 — Alex Karras, Pro Bowl DT for the Detroit Lions and actor best known as Mongo in Blazing Saddles and George Papadopolis in Webster.
• 2004 — Christopher Reeve, actor best known as Superman during the 70’s and 80’s.
• 1985 — Orson Welles, acclaimed actor/director/producer best known for creating Citizen Kane, considered by many to be the greatest film of all time.
• 1911 — Jack Daniel, distiller/businessman who founded Jack Daniel’s whiskey.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Handbag Day! How many of these do you think Cam Newton owns?

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

WOMAN WHO BIT CAMEL’S TESTICLES TO FREE HERSELF SPEAKS OUT

BATON ROUGE, La. — A Milton woman allegedly bit a camel’s genitalia after it sat on her when she and her husband entered an enclosure to retrieve their deaf dog.

Authorities in Louisiana say it happened at a truck stop petting zoo about 16 miles west of Baton Rouge, Louisiana on Sunday.

Iberville Parish Sheriff’s officials told The Advocate Edmond Lancaster of Milton, Florida had been throwing treats to their dog under the camel’s fence. Their dog went into the enclosure and Gloria Lancaster of Milton, Florida crawled under barbed wire to retrieve the pet, according to The Advocate.

That’s when the Associated Press says the 600-pound camel sat on her. She allegedly told deputies she bit the camel’s testicles to free herself.

READ MORE

This and the PornHub arena naming rights story are the best items in 2019 to have been discussed at large in the newsroom yet never go in any of our shows.

2019 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Taylor: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss $40

Richard $40

Nick: $40

Jimmy: $40

Tyler G: $40

Arik: $40

Tyler E: $40

Riez: $40

Dad: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

49ERS (4-1) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (4-1)

While few expected Jop Suey!!! to start the season with a 4-1 record, fewer expect Taylor to improve to 5-1. This is largely because he’s playing a pissed off 49ers squad which just got dealt its first loss of 2019. Gee has responded by making a change at QB, going with Jared Goff over Jameis Winston. It’s an interesting choice, especially given Goff is playing the actual unbeaten 49ers and Winston is facing a Panthers defense which just gave up 27 points to the Jaguars. Still, Chris Godwin should at least put up some decent numbers, while Ezekiel Elliott, Alvin Kamara, and the Patriots defense should do quite well this week. Taylor also has a few such situations, with the Ravens defense and Alvin Kamara predicted to have an easy time on the field. The former is bad news for Tyler Boyd and Joe Mixon, and thus bad news for Taylor. Meantime, it’s tough to predict if Kirk Cousins will ever find his lost form. However, to Taylor’s chagrin, it probably won’t be this week against the tough Eagles defense. 

THREE EYED RAVENS (2-3) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-2)

Fortunes can change quickly in fantasy football, and both Footballdamus and Three Eyed Ravens are proof of this. Riez has one of the lowest-scoring teams in the league, yet is 3-2. Ewing has one of the highest-scoring teams, yet started 0-3. However, Ewing has won his last two matchups and only has Riez in his way of a quick return to .500. It would also help if Lamar Jackson reverted to how he played when Ewing was 0-3, and if Adam Thielen and Juju Smith-Schuster can have another rare day where both actually do well. Plus, even if Will Fuller has another huge game, it’ll come against Ewing’s Chiefs defense. The running game could also be a question, considering Jordan Howard is playing the tough Vikings defense and James White is on the Patriots. That Vikings defense happens to be in Riez’s lineup, as is Philip Rivers, who is facing a depleted Steelers team. However, Riez’s own killer RBs (Leonard Fournette and Todd Gurley) are essentially running against walls this week. 

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (3-2) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-3)

Five weeks into the season, and I’m questioning the point of even attempting to write my own matchup preview. It doesn’t matter that most of my lineup, with the exception of George Kittle and the 49ers defense, have excellent odds of doing well on paper. It doesn’t matter that I made some new additions (Mason Crosby and Shaq Thompson) who might end up being permanent starters. It doesn’t matter that Julian Edelman and the Patriots should murder the Giants, that Kenyan Drake’s Dolphins and Larry Fitzgerald’s Cardinals have rare chances to win this week, or that my two 41-point kings from last week (Deshaun Watson and Christian McCaffrey) should continue their torrid scoring stretch. Even when talking about the Krispy Kritters, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if the Cowboys defense should dominate the Jets or Russell Wilson should continue his MVP-like stretch or Richard’s WRs are playing tough opponents. What matters is this: it’s Week 6, an even week. Therefore, Richard will win and I will wallow in frustration.

GOOD HOME COOKIN (5-0) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (1-4)

The good news for C’s Champion Team: no one is on a bye week, so Chriss’ immovable roster will be at full strength. The bad news: Good Home COOKin is this week’s opponent. Kyle, the league’s last unbeaten, seems well-equipped to keep his loss column empty. Dak Prescott gets to take advantage of facing the Jets, while Mike Evans, DeAndre Hopkins, and Mark Ingram should all do well. Even if Dalvin Cook and the Eagles defense will counter each other, Kyle should still have plenty of points to spare. However, the autodrafted team may present more of a challenge than you’d think. Kyler Murray (who apparently doesn’t suck) and David Johnson face the terrible Falcons defense, while Julio Jones faces the terrible Cardinals offense. Although both the Rams defense and Kerryon Johnson could be in for rough weeks, Derrick Henry and Tyler Lockett will likely peform well once again. Last week, Chriss lost to the league’s only winless team. Maybe Chriss can complete the circle and beat the lone lossless team this week.

DARTH RAIDER (2-3) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (1-4)

If Darth Raider is to right the ship and snap its losing streak, it will happen this week. This might be the most lopsided early point projections I’ve seen this season, even if Dixie Normous still has to fill in some bye week/injury spots. While James Conner and Corey Davis should be productive, all of the other spots on Nick’s roster are in 50/50 matchups at best. LeVeon Bell, Golden Tate, and the Texans defense in particular are going to have a bad time. Meanwhile, Arik has plenty of tasty matchups on his lineup. Matt Ryan, who’s channeled his inner Stat Padford all season, gets to do so on non-garbage time against the Cardinals. Chris Carson and Austin Ekeler should run wild, the Packers defense will likely do well against the Lions (although given Detroit is the me of the NFL, they could dominate), and Travis Kelce seems set for a bounce-back week. What’s more, there’s a name in Arik’s lineup which hasn’t been there in a while: Tyreek Hill. Hill could make his return from a shoulder and be the final nail in Nick’s coffin.

SLEEPING GIANTS (2-3) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (1-4)

Back in the day, Greater Fools and Wild Hogs were consistent playoff contenders. But now, both Sleeping Giants and Gruden Grinders (who missed the postseason last year) are off to rough starts. The loser of this matchup will have his season drift closer towards doom again. Pat Mahomes has also had a rough couple of weeks, but thankfully for Dad should right the ship this week. Same goes for Josh Gordon and Damien Williams. Meantime, Amari Cooper should have fun against the Jets secondary. But, not all is heavenly for Dad, because Payton Barber and the Panthers defense will cancel each other out. As for Jimmy, he’s got a similar situation with the Saints defense trying to halt Minshew Mania (and D.J. Chark). But at least Jimmy can rest in a trio of Packers (Aaron Rodgers, Aaron WIlliams, Davante Adams) going up against their eternal punching bag in the Lions. Assuming Tevin Coleman and OBJ show up, and Jimmy might actually have a winning streak on his hands. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here…

ONE LAST THING

In case any of you single, thirsty motherfuckers noticed our 6 a.m. producer is a young lady, let my just say that yes, she is single. As I’m not willing to dip my pen in company ink (again), I’ll help a brotha out if y’all wanna holla for real. 

I’m pretty sure I just made myself sound even dumber just then. It’s really time to end this week’s newsletter, isn’t it?

Ruben Dominguez

Commisioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

No. 1 Whose Line Is It Anyway? Fan, Greater Sacramento Area