According to multiple wedding-related websites, Saturday, October 19 is the most popular date for weddings in 2019. It’s fitting that the first wedding I’m in is coming on that exact date.
Out good buddy (and my first ever roommate) is tying the knot on Saturday, and we could not be happier for him. If yesterday’s rehearsal is anything to go by, we’re gonna lose whatever brain calls we had after the Vegas bachelor party during the reception.
Congrats, Emilio! I can’t wait to celebrate your big day with you.
(Side note: I didn’t want to use this pic because I’m utterly embarrassed about the USMNT, which just lost to fucking Canada. We’re not making the World Cup again, aren’t we?)
Anyway, weddings!
RECAP OF LAST WEEK
C’S CHAMPION TEAM (2-4) DEF. GOOD HOME COOKIN (5-1)
104.50 – 75.32
So, one week after losing to the winless Gruden Grinders, C’s Champion beats the unbeaten Good Home COOKin. Of course. Fantasy football is weird. Not only did Chriss win, he beat the shit out of Kyle, who decided to go against the will of God himself (more on that later) and start Gardner Minshew over Dak Prescott. While Prescott’s 18 points wouldn’t have been enough to overturn the result, they’re much better than what Minshew got. Kyle’s normally nice Eagles defense fell completely flat against the Vikings, as did Noah Fant and Cooper Kupp. No one really went off for Kyle, with Mark Ingram (13 points) being the highest scorer. While Chriss didn’t exactly light the scoreboard on fire, he did plenty enough to get the win. Kyler Murray (28 points) continues to prove he’s not a terrible pick, while David Johnson (22 points) had enough to make up for a lack of production from guys like Derrick Henry and O.J. Howard. Thanks to Chriss, everyone has at least one win and one loss. Now we’ve got a season, boys!
49ERS (5-1) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (4-2)
144.72 – 96.92
With Kyle’s poor result, there’s a new top dog in the standings. The 49ers responded to their own first loss the previous week with righteous fury, putting a hurt on Jop Suey!!! and sending Taylor back down to Earth. What’s amazing about this matchup is you see Kirk Cousins’ 28 points and think “oh, that’s a big reason why Gee dropped 144 points.” Nope, that’s Taylor’s QB. Gee’s QB is Jared Goff, who gave him a single point. In addition to Cousins, Taylor had a couple other big games from Devonta Freeman (23 points) and Matt Prater (21 points. But goose eggs from Will Dissly and Emmanuel Sanders and poor days from Tyler Boyd and Joe Mixon lowered Taylor’s ceiling. It might not have mattered for a number of reasons, which include the Patriots defense (27 points), Nick Chubb (23 points), Hunter Henry (22 points), and Ezekiel Elliott (21 points),not to mention 15-point contributions from Chris Godwin and Cory Littleton. Yeah, Gee wasn’t going to be beaten this day, deciding to put the rest of the league on notice instead.
ORCHIDS OF ASIA (4-2) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-4)
119.20 – 103.80
Yeah, I knew this would happen. It was an even week, so naturally the Orchids of Asia offense takes a big step back. As usual, I kept it close, but ultimately I came up sho– hold on… I won? On an even week? What the fuck? How did I do that? Oh, Deshaun Watson (31 points). That was plenty enough to offset another superb day from MVP front runner Russel Wilson (28 points). l also had Christian McCaffrey (17 points) to counter Carlos Hyde (18 points) and Mason Crosby to cancel our a Monday Night push from Kenny Golladay (12 points) with a dozen of his own. It also helped that plenty of spots in the Krispy Kritters’ lineup failed to perform, like Brandin Cooks, Zach Ertz, LeSean McCoy, and the Cowboys defense. Seriously, if you would’ve told me the 49ers defense — facing the defending NFC champion LA Rams — would score more than double the amount of points as Dallas did against the winless New York Jets, I would’ve called you crazy. Oh wait, Richard’s also a Cowboys fan! Hahahahaahhahahahahahahahahahahaha.
FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-2) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (2-4)
98.00 – 85.74
Ah, there’s the bad luck Three Eyed Ravens knows and hates. Ewing’s first winning streak of the season is snapped thanks to basically his entire lineup shitting the bed. Of course, this doesn’t include Lamar Jackson (30 points), who absolutely went off (more on that later). But Jackson’s stupendous effort was wasted, with Adam Thielen (11 points) and Adrian Peterson (13 points) being the only double digit producers for Ewing. Footballdamus had a bit better fortune, but was behind entering Sunday Night (though not by much). Aaron Donald (16 points) and Justin Tucker (13 points) had provided unforeseen production, while Leonard Fournette (11 points) and Alshon Jeffery (13 points) answered Thielen and Peterson. But it was Philip Rivers, specifically Garbage Time Phillip Rivers, who clutched it out for Riez with 16 points, pretty much everything coming in the 4th quarter. It also didn’t help Ewing that Juju Smith-Schuster put up a goose egg. Bad luck for Ewing is good news for Riez, who moves into the echelon of non-2-4 teams.
GRUDEN GRINDERS (2-4) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (2-4)
72.92 – 63.32
Why oh why is the closest game of the week (and only game decided by single digits) always the shittiest? I can’t even praise Gruden Grinders for winning two straight after starting the season 0-4. Jimmy’s lineup featured a group of seven spots where the highest scorer tallied five points. That group includes the likes of D.J. Chark, Aaron Jones (what a drop off from last week, huh?), and the Rams defense. So, how did Jimmy win? Two reasons: 1. Aaron Rodgers, whose 19 referee-aided points put Jimmy over the top. 2. The Sleeping Giants did even worse. While the Panthers defense (21 points) and Pat Mahomes (19 points) did well, only one other player (Damien Williams) reached the eight-point mark. Rodgers did a great job of ignoring Jimmy Graham, who (along with Marquise Goodwin and Greg Zuerlein) ended with a single point. But it was Dad’s WRs who were his downfall. Josh Gordon getting injured against the Redskins. Amari Cooper being ineffective against the Jets. Both getting goose eggs. Wow.
DIXIE NORMOUS (2-4) DEF. DARTH RAIDER (2-4)
138.82 – 128.54
Kyle losing. Gee dropping 144 points despite just a single point from his QB. Me winning on an even week. In a week of bizarre results, Dixie Normous throwing down 138 points to win a shootout with Darth Raider was the weirdest outcome. So, how the hell did Nick pull it off? Stefon Diggs woke up, to the tune of 37 points (nearly double his season total until then). That long-awaited burst of production was complimented by the best game of the season by James Conner (23 points) and nice days from Golden Tate (16 points) and Brent Maher (14 points). That was not only enough to overcome a meh day from Jimmy G, but survive an onslaught from Arik. Matt Ryan led the way in that charge with 30 points, while Terry McLaurin (22 points), Chris Carson (21 points) and Tyreek Hill (20 points) killed it as well. But like Ryan’s real life comeback, Arik’s stand fell just short thanks to mediocre days from the likes of Robert Woods, Austin Ekeler, and Travis Kelce. Meanwhile, Nick’s win brings him from last place to… last place.
STANDINGS
GIFT CARD STANDINGS:
- 49ers (5-1)
- Good Home COOKin (5-1)
- Orchids of Asia (4-2)
- Jop Suey!!! (4-2)
- Footballdamus (4-2)
- Darth Raider (2-4)
- C’s Champion Team (2-4)
- The Krispy Kritters (2-4)
- Three Eyed Ravens (2-4)
- Sleeping Giants (2-4)
- Gruden Grinders (2-4)
- Dixie Normous (2-4)
Holy shit, that’s a lot of 2-4s. We have a SEVEN-WAY tie for 6th place. I don’t think I’ve ever seen more then half of the league tied, especially late in the standings.
FREE BEER STANDINGS:
- 49ers (745.46)
- Good Home COOKin (725.96)
- Orchids of Asia (691.34)
- Darth Raider (671.22)
- C’s Champion Team (615.86)
- The Krispy Kritters (613.76)
- Three Eyed Ravens (611.72)
- Jop Suey!!! (610.48)
- Sleeping Giants (593.86)
- Footballdamus (566.98)
- Gruden Grinders (536.86)
- Dixie Normous (474.24)
ATTENTION, MORONS!!!
WE ARE LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 9TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 23 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE!
Trade now or forever hold your peace.
JALEN RAMS-EY
Get it? Because he’s got the word “Rams” in his last name?
So apparently the LA Rams decided to heed my words about trades (and totally didn’t react to their three-game losing streak) and become the receiving team on the end of the much-anticipated Jalen Ramsey trade (and also sent Marcus Peters to the Baltimore Ravens). The thing is, I’m not so sure the reason for their slide was their DB play, though it certainly didn’t help. It might have something to do with Todd Gurley’s injury and Jared Goff’s play, although to be honest there are a lot of factors at play. While Ramsey is without a doubt an upgrade at QB, sending Peters away means this move isn’t as big of a plus as it could’ve been.
While Ramsey had certainly grown unhappy in Jacksonville, I’m also not sure he’ll be happier in LA. Wait, never mind — he’s going from Jacksonville to SoCal. He’ll be happy. But on the field, probably not. The Jaguars have just one fewer loss to the Rams, and as far as recent play goes, also have a better QB. Plus, a big problem Ramsey had with the Jags was they played zone defense a lot. This won’t improve in LA.
(Side note: the Rams now have each of the Jaguars’ first round picks from 2014-16 — Ramsey, Dante Fowler, and Blake Bortles)
While Rams fans might be sad about potentially losing two 1st round picks for not much improvement, Jaguars fans have to be sad watching their best player leave, regardless of circumstances. Even with the rise of Minshew Mania, this is probably a lost season, with Jacksonville’s decline and the Houston Texans and Indianapolis Colts improving. But at least there’s one other AFC South team to revel in the misery.
Getting benched for Ryan goddamn Tannehill. Yikes.
Maybe God doesn’t completely hate the Jags…
… wow.
Talk about a Hail Mary, am I right?
STAT OF THE WEEK
Lamar Jackson has been nominated for the FedEx Ground Player of the Week. Lamar Jackson is a QB, the first to be up for the award in its 17-year history. Lamar Jackson was the FedEx Air Player of the Week for Week 1. Lamar Jackson is ridiculous.
WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT
It’s Week 7, and the Oakland Raiders are in a playoff position and just half a game back out of first place in the AFC West. As the Raiders recovered on their bye week, they watched the Kansas City Chiefs drop two games at home, the too down-and-out Denver Broncos top two awful teams, and one of those awful teams — the LA Chargers — suck in front of a “home” crowd full of opposing fans
. While Oakland is on the road again for two more tough games, they are playing teams with weaknesses in the Houston Texans (no offensive line) and Green Bay Packers (need the refs to win).
A win or two would put the Raiders in prime position at basically the midway point of the season. Of Oakland’s last nine games, only one (Kansas City) is against a team currently above .500. That includes the snakebitten Detroit Lions, a Broncos team the Raiders already trounced (but admittedly are improving), the Chargers (two games), and the terrible Cincinnati Bengals, New York Jets, Tennessee Titans, and Jacksonville Jaguars. That schedule might put the Raiders at the ten-win mark and… could it be… the postseason?
No. I’ve seen this movie before. The Raiders get off to a promising start before it all comes crashing down, whether it be via being the only team ever to sweep its division but still miss the playoffs, having a Super Bowl caliber offense implode, or seeing the MVP-candidate QB break his leg in the penultimate game. I want to believe, but too much shit has happened for me to drink the Kool-Aid. Even though Oakland has overcome the Antonio Brown bullshit to be one of the surprises of the season, I know how this will end.
Don’t do this to me, Raiders. Don’t give me hope. Something always goes wrong.
See! Goddamn it.
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On October 17, 1983, the Green Bay Packers and Washington Redskins lit up the scoreboard like no other two teams had done on a Monday. The Packers, hosting the defending Super Bowl champions, opened the scoring with a 22-yard fumble recovery by Mike Douglass. But this was pretty much the only defensive highlight of the night, as the offensive floodgates opened soon after. Joe Theismann and Lynn Dickey led their teams on drive after drive after drive, with Theismann’s pass to Joe Washington giving Washington a 47-45 lead late. But Green Bay got themselves into FG position thanks to a 56-yard pass to FB Gary Ellis, of all people, and Jan Stenerud booted the ball through the uprights to make it 48-47. Washington still had about 36 seconds to respond, and got their chance. But Mark Moseley’s kick went wide, giving the Packers the win. As Redskins RB John Riggins put it afterwards, “
You eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you.” The Redskins would rebound and eventually reach Super Bowl XVIII, where they would be bitch-slapped by the LA Raiders on Black Sunday. With 95 points between the two teams, this was the highest scoring Monday Night Football game ever until last year, when the Kansas City Chiefs and LA Rams combined for 101 points in a game of pure insanity (more on that later). Like the Redskins in ’83, the Rams went on to lose Super Bowl LIII. This was also the only 95-point game in NFL history until a few weeks ago, when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers upset those same Rams 55-40
.THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:
- 2018 — Recreational marijuana is legalized in Canada.
- 1989 — The 6.9 magnitude Loma Prieta earthquake kills 63 people and injures over 3,700 more in the San Francisco Bay Area
- 1979 — The U.S. Department of Education is created.
- 1979 — Mother Teresa is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
- 1970 — Terrorists murder Quebec Vice-Premier and Minister of Labour Pierre Laporte as part of the October Crisis.
- 1956 — 13-year-old Bobby Fischer defeats Donald Byrne at the Rosenwald Memorial Tournament in chess’ Game of the Century.
- 1956 — The world’s first full scale nuclear power station opens in England.
- 1933 — Albert Einstein flees Nazi Germany and moves to the U.S.
- 1931 — Al Capone is convicted of income tax evasion.
- 1920 — The Decatur Staleys (Chicago Bears) play their first game against another APFA (NFL) team, beating the Rock Island Independents 7-0.
- 1907 — Marconi begins the first commercial transatlantic wireless service.
- 1888 — Thomas Edison files a patent for the optical phonograph (the first movie).
- 1860 — First The Open Championship (also known as the British Open) is played, with Willie Park, Sr. winning by two strokes.
- 1777 — British general John Burgoyne surrenders his army at Saratoga, resulting in an important victory for the American colonies and convincing France to join their forces in the Revolutionary War.
BIRTHDAYS:
- 1984 — Luke Rockhold, former UFC Middleweight Champion.
- 1979 — Kimi Räikkönen, Formula 1 driver and 2007 World Champion.
- 1972 — Eminem, Grammy award-winner and one of the greatest rappers of all time.
- 1969 — Ernie Els, two-time major winner and one of the greatest golfers of all time.
- 1966 — Mark Gatiss, actor/writer/director best known for his work with iconic British TV series Doctor Who and Sherlock.
- 1962 — Mike Judge, writer/director best known for creating TV shows such as Beavis and Butt-Head, King of the Hill, and Silicon Valley and directing the film Office Space.
- 1959 — Norm Macdonald, actor/comedian best known for his time as a cast member on Saturday Night Live.
- 1938 — Evel Knievel, iconic stuntman and entertainer.
- 1924 — Don Coryell, former San Diego Charges coach, inventor of the “Air Coryell” offense, and the first coach to win 100 games in college and the NFL.
- 1918 — Ralph Wilson, founder and former owner of the Buffalo Bills.
- 1914 — Jerry Siegel, comic book writer and creator of Superman.
DEATHS:
- 2008 — Ben Weider, businessman and co-founder of the International Federation of BodyBuilding & Fitness.
- 2007 — Joey Bishop, entertainer, talk show host, and the last surviving member of the Rat Pack.
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 7 HIGHEST SCORING GAMES IN NFL HISTORY
That Monday Night madness got me thinking about some old shootouts. Plus, I also wanted to go into further detail about that Rams-Chiefs game. This will be my most objective list so far, simply because it’s based on facts rather than opinion. It’s worth taking a dive into history, and there are plenty of points to swim through.
There are five games to eclipse 100 combined points. I’ll be including those, as well as the two games to finish with 99 points combined (close enough, right?). But I’ll also give some shoutouts to the 98-, 97-, and 96-point games as well. After this, I’ll have covered every one of the 14 games to have reached the 95-point mark in some capacity. Fewer of these games happened in years starting with a “2” than you’d think.
JUST MISSED THE CUT: 96 POINTS
There have been three NFL games to see a combined 96 points. Every single one ended with a score of 51-45, most recently in 2010. Karlos Dansby took an Aaron Rodgers fumble to the house (ignoring a hands to the face call that probably would’ve been made today) in OT as the Arizona Cardinals beat the Green Bay Packers in the highest scoring playoff game ever.JUST MISSED THE CUT: 97 POINTS
The only 97-point game in NFL history came in 1950 and was a close contest after the 1st quarter, with the LA Rams on top of the Baltimore Colts 21-13. Then the Rams went to work. When the Colts scored again, the deficit was cut to 49-20. Their final time made it 63-27, but the Rams decided to add one more TD for shits and giggles to complete the 70-27 final count.JUST MISSED THE CUT: 98 POINTS
Twice have their been a 98-point game. In 1948, the New York Giants scored five TDs and nearly got doubled up, as the Chicago Cardinals rolled 63-35. In 1985, the Pittsburgh Steelers rallied from a 34-17 deficit to take a late lead, only for the San Diego Chargers to take it back and win 54-44. Interestingly, both teams had a player named Gary Anderson who scored.
T6. DENVER BRONCOS @ DALLAS COWBOYS, 2013 (99 POINTS)
Peyton Manning and the red-hot, unbeaten Denver Broncos went into Dallas in what was expected to be an easy day with the mediocre Cowboys. But Tony Romo had other plans, going throw-for-throw with Manning in a QB duel for the ages. After being stonewalled by the Dallas defense early, Manning went to work, torching the Cowboys for 414 yards 4 TDs and rushing for a score in one of the best play fakes in NFL history. Romo responded by bringing the Cowboys back into the lead with 5 TDs of his own. With 506 yards in the air, Romo became the first QB in Cowboys history to cross the 500-yard mark in a game. Everyone thought the team with the last possession would win.It came to pass, but not how most envisioned. In the most Tony Romo moment ever, his heroics went to waste with an INT in the last two minutes, leading to the eventual game-winning FG in a 51-48 Denver victory. Manning and the Broncos would keep rolling until Super Bowl XLVIII, when everything came crashing down around them.
T6. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS, 1983 (99 POINTS)
1983 was an important year for the Seattle Seahawks, and a Week 13 showdown with the Kansas City Chiefs proved to be a seminal moment in the season. Struggling to remain in playoff contention and having recently switched to Dave Krieg at QB, the Seahawks seemed to be heading for another loss when they went into halftime down to the Chiefs 28-14. But Krieg, Curt Warner, and the Seattle offense got into gear in the second half, taking a 45-42 lead in the 4th quarter. But Kansas City retook the lead on a scored from Theotis Brown (who had been cut by Seattle in training camp). However, the Chiefs missed the extra point, leaving a window open for the Seahawks to tie the game on a Norm Johnson 42-yard FG. In OT, Johnson was called on again, hitting another 42-yarder for the 51-48 win. The victory was part of a late push that got Seattle its first playoff spot ever. The Seahawks advanced all the way to the AFC (yes, AFC) title game, where they would fall to the eventual Super Bowl Champion LA Raiders.
T4. NEW YORK GIANTS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS, 2015 (101 POINTS)
This game was ridiculous for a number of reasons. First, it came between teams which would finish below .500 on the season. Second, it was insanely pass-happy even by modern NFL standards. Drew Brees and Eli Manning combined for an NFL-record 13 TDs. Brees tied an NFL record with 7 TDs on 505 yards passing. Oddly, the New Orleans Saints fell behind late on an eighth Brees TD pass, this one a pick six in which the ball was knocked out Willie Snead’s hands and into Trumaine McBride’s. But Brees led the Saints back and tied the game at 49-49 with 36 seconds left. Then came the batshit crazy ending. The New York Giants only took 11 seconds on the first three downs. The ensuing punt was returned near midfield, but the ball came loose. Snead recovered it and was tackled by the P, Brad Wing. However, Wing grabbed Snead’s face mask. Kai Forbath took the 15 yards and kicked the game-winning FG. In the 52-49 chaos, Manning became the first QB with 6 TDs and no INTs to lose a game.
T4. HOUSTON OILERS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS, 1963 (101 POINTS)
Going into the 1963 AFL season, no one expected much from the Oakland Raiders, a team with a 1-12 record the previous year. But this WR coach from the San Diego Chargers named Al Davis had become Oakland’s head coach and GM. Not only did he change the team’s colors from gold and black to silver and black, he also brought a new culture to the organization. Oakland went 10-4 and lost the AFL Western Division to those same Chargers, despite beating them twice. The most memorable game came in the regular season finale, a back-and-forth battle with the Houston Oilers. George Blanda’s 5 TDs and 342 yards were overshadowed by Tom Flores’ 6 TDs and 407 yards, the first 400-yard game in Raiders history. Art Powell finished with 247 receiving yards, which remains a Raiders record. Oakland and Houston combined for 49 points in the 2nd quarter and 70 points in the first half, both still NFL records. In the end, it would be a Mike Mercer FG that would be the difference in a 52-49 Oakland win.
3. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS, 2018 (105 POINTS)
This might’ve been objectively the greatest game in NFL history. The LA Rams and Kansas City Chiefs were originally supposed to play in Mexico City. However, the NFL found the Estadio Azteca field to be in too poor condition, so the game was moved to LA. Thank heavens it was. In a Monday Night matchup filled with everything, from insane throws to (shockingly) defensive highlights, Jared Goff responded to a late Pat Mahomes TD pass (his sixth on the night) with one of his own to give the Rams a 54-51 win. The spectacular showcase led to several records. This is the only game in NFL history where both teams scored 50 points, meaning the Chiefs became the first team to hit the 50-point mark in a loss. In the midst of this offensive bonanza, Rams LB Samson Ebukam was named NFC Defensive Player of the Week for his 2-TD performance. Incredibly, one of the few players who didn’t find the endzone was Todd Gurley. I guess this should’ve been a sign things were about to go downhill for him.
2. CLEVELAND BROWNS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS, 2004 (106 POINTS)
As you might’ve expected, a mid-2000’s matchup between the Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengals in November is the second-highest scoring game in NFL history and the highest-scoring game since the AFL-NFL merger. While the Bengals were up 27-13 at halftime, they found themselves fighting off the feisty Browns several times. The first five possessions in the second half resulted in TDs, including a 55-yard bomb from Kelly Holcomb to Antoinio Bryant. Holcomb’s fifth TD gave the Browns a 48-44 lead in the 4th quarter, but a young Carson Palmer led Cincinnati on a drive, capped by a Rudi Johnson TD, make it 51-48. In true Browns fashion, a potential game-tying drive ended in a back-breaking pick six of Holcomb by Deltha O’Neal, sealing the 58-48 win for the Bengals. Three years later, the Browns would get some form of revenge, beating the Bengals 51-45 in one of the few above-mentioned 96-point games in NFL history. The other: a 51-45 New York Jets OT win over the Miami Dolphins in 1986.
1. NEW YORK GIANTS @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS, 1966 (113 POINTS)
Imagine scoring 41 points and losing by more than 30 points. Such was the life of the New York Giants after a 72-41 ass-whooping at the hands of the rival Washington Redskins thanks to the balanced efforts of Sonny Jurgensen, A.D. Whitfield, and Charley Taylor. This was a sort of historic retribution for Washington, which was on the bad side a 73-0 loss to the Chicago Bears in 1940, the most lopsided game in NFL history. This one ended up being a laugher as well, with Dave Brady of the Washington Post writing, “Little Big Horn was worse. There were no survivors among General Custer’s troops.” When asked to describe the game, Redskins head coach Otto Graham jokingly called it a “great defensive battle.” Graham, in fact, made the score even worse by sending Charlie Gogolak out to kick a FG while up 69-41. In fact, because this was played before nets were behind the uprights, 14 balls were lost that day. 13 were due to extra points, while the 14th was because Brig Owens threw it away in celebration.
HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!
Happy National Mulligan Day! Sadly for Kyle, I don’t allow mulligans.
THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW
WELLS FARGO CENTER UNVEILS RAGE ROOM WHERE FANS CAN BREAK STUFF AND UNLEASH THEIR ANGER
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. — Picture this: The Flyers are going through a February slump. The orange and black just inexplicably lost a 5-1 home game to the New York Islanders.
You need to blow off some steam before sitting in traffic.
So you go into the Wells Fargo Center’s Disassembly Room and smash some dishes, take a sledgehammer to a TV and unleash your rage upon everything in sight.
That’s right. The Wells Fargo Center has unveiled the first-ever rage room in a major professionals sports arena.
The rage room allows fans and guests to let out some stress by breaking, smashing and crushing items inside of the brand new Disassembly Room. Some of the breakable items even include the opposing team’s logos.
This story has four of my favorite things: hockey, Gritty, Katie Nolan (<3), and breaking shit. I dedicated a full minute to this story. A trip to Philadelphia is creeping up higher on my to-do list.
Katie please marry me.
2019 DUES TALLY
Ruben: $40
Taylor: $40
Kyle: $40
Chriss $40
Richard $40
Nick: $40
Jimmy: $40
Tyler G: $40
Arik: $40
Tyler E: $40
Riez: $40
Dad: $40
….
……………..
……….. WAIT WHAT?!?!?
I… I can’t believe it. Every single person in the league has actually PAID their dues this season?
It’s… beautiful.
Sorry, guys. I need a moment…
… okay we’re good.
THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS
49ERS (5-1) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (2-4)
Bye weeks are starting to take their toll on the league, and they could throw a wrench into the newly anointed first place 49ers. Two key contributors — Nick Chubb and Chris Godwin — are off, as is Curtis Samuel. Called up to replace them: Royce Freeman and Christian Kirk. Not the best of names, but both are facing vulnerable defenses. Hunter Henry should continue to do well this week, while Keenan Allen, and Jared Goff have a great chance to rebound (especially Goff). Another piece of good news: the Patriots defense’s cupcake schedule continues against the Jets. While New York upset the Cowboys, New England’s in a whole other league than Dallas. Three Eyed Ravens, meanwhile, get to march Lamar Jackson, Adam Thielen, Marlon Mack, and Will Fuller and his 50/50 hands against on paper easy matchups. However, the Chiefs defense could unexpectedly have their hands full with a possibly resurgent Broncos. Then again, Kansas City has honestly been unpredictable over these past few weeks, so who the hell knows?
DARTH RAIDER (2-4) VS. GOOD HOME COOKIN (5-1)
When 49ers was dealt their first loss, Gee responded with vengeance. So, what happens when Good Home COOKin goes out their after their first defeat? Kyle’s hoping for the same kind of turnaround. Kyle is solving his Dak-Prescott-facing-the-Eagles-defense predicament by rolling with Minshew Mania, which should pay off against the lowly Bengals. Mark Ingram, Dalvin Cook, Phillip Lindsay, and Cooper Kupp (if Jared Goff gets his shit together) all look set for big days. which will likely make up for what should be a down week for DeAndre Hopkins against an improved Colts defense. With this kind of opponent in front of them, it doesn’t look like Darth Raider will snap their four-game losing streak. While Travis Kelce and Austin Ekeler should bounce back, but Chris Carson looks to be in a tough matchup. Matt Ryan could do well against the Rams, or he could be the first Jalen Ramsey victim. It doesn’t look good for Arik. Then again, I also though Arik would dominate Nick last week, so who the hell knows?
ORCHIDS OF ASIA (4-2) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (2-4)
I knew this week would come, and I’m not happy about it. MVP candidate Christian McCaffrey (and D.J. Moore) have to ride the pine while on the bye. This leaves the Orchids of Asia RB corps as Kenyan Drake and Jamaal Williams. It’s not the best, but not terrible, either. Looks like I’m gonna need another heaping helping of Deshaun Watson and the 49ers defense. A bit more production from Julian Edelman, George Kittle, and T.Y. Hilton wouldn’t help either. As for Gruden Grinders, a big key to continuing their attempt at a resurgence will be the Raiders-Packers game. Aaron Rodgers, Josh Jacobs, Aaron Jones, Darren Waller, and Blake Martinez are all suiting up for Jimmy, and will likely determine whether of not it’ll be a good day or bad day (apart from the real life result). D.J. Chark and Tevin Coleman should do well, and the Saints defense gets to go against the bad Bears offense. But it is an odd week — my bread and butter. Then again, I won on an even week, meaning we’re in bizarro world, so who the hell knows?
JOP SUEY!!! (4-2) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (2-4)
Jop Suey!!! is making a, let’s call it, bold move at QB. Gone is Kirk Cousins, who, while largely mediocre this season, just had his best game of 2019. In is Josh Allen, the recently concussed leader of the awful Bills offense. Good luck with that, Taylor. While Buffalo’s defense should feast on the Dolphins, the Jalen Ramsey-less Jaguars defense should still give Joe Mixon and Tyler Boyd a rough time. Taylor might have to rely on Emmanuel Sanders and Devonta Freeman for production this week, which isn’t the best option seeing as it’s not 2015 anymore. This also means the Ravens defense isn’t at its peak anymore, so Russell Wilson should continue to kill it for the Krispy Kritters. But, this is the only roster spot guaranteed to produce points for Richard. A.J. Green remains against the odds to finally suit up. Sony Michel does have a nice matchup, but it’s always a question of which Pats RB does well. Plus, there’s a Zach Ertz-Cowboys defense conundrum. Then again, the game could be shootout, so who the hell knows?
DIXIE NORMOUS (2-4) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-2)
Can Dixie Normous shock the world again and take down another stronger opponent? That might have a lot to do who what propelled Nick to victory last week: Stefon Diggs. Should the Vikings passing game come to fruition again, Nick may be sitting pretty, especially because Jimmy G should feast on the Redskins defense. That being said, there could be some rough outings, such as LeVeon Bell against the Patriots and pretty much every other spot in Nick’s lineup. Things aren’t too much better on Footballdamus’ side, with the added bonus of Jarvis Landry going on his bye week. Alshon Jeffery and the normally resilient VIkings defense could be in for a rough week in their 50/50 games against divisional opponents. This being said, Riez might have a few guarantees, like Philip Rivers against the Titans, Leonard Fournette against the Bengals, and Matt Brieda against the Redskins. It looks like Riez is set to win a low-scoring affair. Then again, Nick did just come on top in a major points bonanza, so who the hell knows?
SLEEPING GIANTS (2-4) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (2-4)
I’m gonna level with you guys — this is my least favorite section in the newsletter. Because of the nature of this part, I have to save it for last. It’s a pain in the ass to do and always the last thing between my and finishing the newsletter each week. Today, it’s even worse for a number of external factors. I’ve had a bullshit long work schedule lately, which especially sucked yesterday. I got five hours of sleep before I had to get up at 4:30 p.m. (I usually wake sometime between 9 and 10) and go to Emilio’s wedding rehearsal. We finished everything at like 9, so taking a nap really wouldn’t have done much good. After another extended work day, I had to stay for a meeting with our new ownership group about benefits — dental, healthcare, vision, 401k, shit like that. It lasted for an hour and a half. I got off work like an hour ago and have been up for nearly 21 hours straight. So forgive me if I can’t conjure up a passionate preview between two sub-.500 teams. This is the last thing I had to write, so fuck it I’m getting some sleep.
ONE LAST THING
Boys. It’s. Fucking. HAPPENING!!!!!
(2024 edit: aw fuck here we go)
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
15,376,997th Most Likely Person to Get Married, Northern California
Ruben's Writings 
Leave a comment