Ruben's Writings

(2024 edit: I have rarely felt physical pain while reading something I wrote in the past. This is one of those times. Sacramento deserves an MLS team. Fuck Ron Burkle.)

I still can’t fucking believe this happened. 

After years and years of waiting, being strung along and passed up for other cities, Sacramento was finally, FUCKING FINALLY given an expansion franchise in Major League Soccer. (Side note: WTF was Tom Brady doing in that celebrity vid? Get him the fuck out of my moment!) We’ve waited for so long for a franchise that we could barely believe when the announcement of an announcement was made last week. This utterly surreal, for reasons that go beyond the aspects surrounding Sacramento Republic FC.

Growing up in Sacramento in the 90’s, the Kings were literally the only thing the Capitol City had going for it. All anyone knew about Sacramento was that it was halfway between San Francisco and Lake Tahoe. The city was shit on constantly, which deeply hardened my love and pride for Sacramento in a sort of a “no fuck you, your city’s shitty” way. In a sports sense, we were like Jacksonville — a city that’s not the most popular and only known for being home to a mediocre sports franchise. Sure, the Kings were good back in the day, but look at them now.

From preventing multiple relocations by the Kings to building the spaceship-esque Golden 1 Center to the rise of the Farm-to-Fork movement, seeing Sacramento transform into a vibrant place where people want to be is still mind-bottling to me. Along the way, Republic FC came along, and now not only do we have TWO major league sports franchises (still fucking incredible), one of those is for my favorite sport.

Needless to say, I had to be a part of the big day.

Also, I got on TV.

Like, a lot.

Four times, in fact!

The last two times, I was eating. Pastrami bacon, boys. It’s amazing.

That totally wasn’t my idea, by the way. I was just gonna snap the pic with the cup then chill at Solomon’s Deli. Thanks to Pedro Rivera for making me a TV star. I’ll be accepting autographs tomorrow and Saturday from 6-9 p.m.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

49ERS (6-1) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (2-5)

130.52 – 103.12

Behold, the only game all week where both teams scored in triple digits! Yeah, this week’s recaps are going to be painful, especially when we get to mine in a minute. Speaking of painful, Three Eyed Ravens’ poor luck continues as the only one of three triple digit scorers to lose their matchup. This result happened despite stellar performances from the Chiefs defense (24 points) and Lamar Jackson (23 points). However, Ewing was severely hampered by his RB corps (Marlon Mack and Jordan Howard), as well as another poor performance from Will Fuller after his insane game a couple of weeks ago. Meanwhile, 49ers gets to shine, partially because his two best roster spots did even better. When Jared Goff met the Patriots defense in Super Bowl LIII, the result was a train wreck. But, this combo gave Gee 50 points, to go along with 20 from Ezekiel Elliott and a dozen each from Cory Littleton and Royce Freeman. While Ewing continues to throw up after the wedding reception, Gee looks like he just walked down the aisle. 

GRUDEN GRINDERS (3-4) DEF. ORCHIDS OF ASIA (4-3)

149.16 – 88.52

Behold, Gruden Grinders: the only other team to reach triple digits this week. And of course they were playing Orchids of Asia. Of course. I figured I was in for a rough week, given both Christian McCaffrey and D.J. Moore were on byes. But yikes, when Deshaun Watson is your leading scorer with 17 points, you’re gonna have a bad time. Of course, Larry Fitzgerald and George Kittle doing nothing negated whatever great work the 49ers defense (15 points) and T.Y. Hilton (13 points) did. But it wouldn’t have mattered with Jimmy’s lineup. While I had to watch Aaron Rodgers rip the defenseless Raiders apart (more on that later), Jimmy got to at least reap the benefits of Discount Doublecheck (that’s still a thing, right?) and his 43 points. Throw in Aaron Jones and Blake Martinez (14 points each), as well as Darren Waller (24 points) and Josh Jacobs (13 points) on the other side of the ass-whooping, and this contest was over before the afternoon games kicked off. I wonder if my every other week curse shifted to the odd weeks… 

GOOD HOME COOKIN (6-1) DEF. DARTH RAIDER (2-5)

95.20 – 80.96

Remember when I thought Good Home COOKin would come out with righteous fury in response to their first loss of the season? Well, Kyle might’ve gotten the win, but it wasn’t exactly righteous. Sure, Kyle’s namesake (Dalvin Cook) had a monster, 26-point day, Minshew Mania picked apart the Bengals for 21 points, and DeAndre Hopkins nearly topped his QB’s production with 17 points. But those three were the only players to give Kyle more than six points. Kyle’s AFC West roster spots — Noah Fant, Phillip Lindsay, and the Chargers defense — were particularly shit. But Darth Raider wasn’t better at all. While Arik’s production might’ve been a bit more spread out — Saquon Barkley (14 points) and Tyreek Hill (13 points) leading the way — he had more 4s in his lineup than a Modesto dive bar at last call. Unfortunately for Arik, one of those came from Matt Ryan, who put up by far his worst game of the year. Even if Ryan had put up his second-worst score from beforehand, it would’ve been enough for Arik to win. Blame the Rams, I guess?

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-4) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (4-3)

98.74 – 70.48

The victim of this week’s low-key ass-whooping, Jop Suey!!! should probably feel a little bit worried about their current standing. Yes, Taylor is one of the few teams above .500. But two straight bad losses can’t be good for form. When Josh Allen (21 points) is your leading scorer by a country mile, things aren’t going well, even if Michael Thomas (13 points) and the Bills defense (11 points) did well enough. Taylor’s Bengals duo of Tyler Boyd and Joe Mixon had another mediocre effort, while Devonta Freeman got man-handled by Aaron Donald (more on that later) and Evan Engram was nonexistent against the goddamn Cardinals. The Krispy Kritters had a nice day, although it was generally hit or miss. For every Russell Wilson Allen Robinson (14 points), Josh Lambo (13 points), and Cowboys defense (15 points), there was a Carlos Hyde, Zach Ertz, and Kenny Golladay. Even Russell Wilson’s 15 points were a poor for Richard. This was only a beat down because of Sony Michel (21 points) poaching three TDs vs. the Jets. 

DIXIE NORMOUS (3-4) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-4)

88.74 – 84.56

I can hardly believe it, but Dixie Normous’ luck might actually be turning around. While Nick’s production predictably dropped off from last week’s out-of-nowhere power play, his guys still did enough to get the win. With Jimmy G and his boys hampered by rain, Latavius Murray filled in for a spectacular 27-point day, while Stefon Diggs (14 points) proved he actually might be back and Brett Maher nailed a fucking 63-yard FG. The problem? Pretty much every other roster spot did jack shit for Nick. However, Footballdamus also had plenty of problems. Leonard Fournette (14 points) did well and Todd Gurley (11 points), Justin Tucker (12 points), and Gerald Everett did enough, spots like the VIkings defense, Matt Brieda, Alshon Jeffery, and D.J. Metcalf sucked the meat right off the bone. In the end, Riez still had a chance to win, with Tom Brady facing the Jets. Unfortunately for Riez, Brady only amounted to 12 (heh) points, and Nick escaped.

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (3-4) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (2-5)

80.36 – 71.94

I refuse to go into an in-depth dissection on a matchup where two sub-.500 teams didn’t even get more than 80 points. Fuck you. Instead, I’m going to tell you about why soccer scarves are a thing. You see, the game of soccer was first popularized in England, with most of the top leagues in the world (Europe) playing from about August-May. That means there’s a huge chunk of the schedule being played on cold, European nights (some of them rainy Tuesdays in Stoke). Fans, naturally wanting to stay warm at these games, showed up in coats, hats, and — yes — scarves. It took about until the 1930’s/40’s for teams to realize they can make some money off this by selling scarves with their colors/crests on them. While things like hats and coats can pretty much only be hats and coats, scarves are a bit more versatile of an accessory that you can display on your wall. I own no less than two dozen scarves and 11 of them are on my walls. So not only does it give fans a way to represent their team, it has a practical use on chilly evenings.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (6-1)
2. Good Home COOKin (6-1)
3. Orchids of Asia (4-3)
4. Jop Suey!!! (4-3)
5. Footballdamus (4-3)
6. The Krispy Kritters (3-4)
7. C’s Champion Team (3-4)
8. Gruden Grinders (3-4)
9. Dixie Normous (3-4)
10. Darth Raider (2-5)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (2-5)
12. Sleeping Giants (2-5)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (876.08)
2. Good Home COOKin (820.16)
3. Orchids of Asia (780.36)
4. Darth Raider (752.18)
5. Three Eyed Ravens (715.34)
6. The Krispy Kritters (713.50)
7. C’s Champion Team (696.22)
8. Gruden Grinders (686.02)
9. Jop Suey!!! (680.96)
10. Sleeping Giants (665.80)
11. Footballdamus (651.54)
12. Dixie Normous (562.98)

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 9TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 16 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Keep asking me about the deadline in our group chat and I’ll do a red card-worthy offense on your entire family.

RICH GET RICHER

So have the borderline playoff teams just given up or something? We saw the Jalen Ramsey/Marcus Peters moves last week, but this week it was the blue bloods of the season who were getting themselves some more artillery. First, the New England Patriots picked up Mohamed Sanu from the terrible Atlanta Falcons, because exactly what Tom Brady needs is more WRs to compliment Julian Edelman and Josh Gordon. 

Oh… well then.

Then, the other unbeaten team, the San Francisco 49ers, swung a deal with the Denver Broncos for Emmanuel Sanders. While I’m thrilled one of the most underrated WRs is away from a division rival, it strikes me as odd that these two big moves came from the cream of the crop in the NFL, and nothing directly below them.

Of course, it’s perfectly natural for the top teams to add to their platoon of talent and bolster their strength as the season goes on. I just don’t understand why certain teams fighting for the playoffs and in need of WRs like that — such as the Oakland Raiders — didn’t beat them to the punch. Maybe I’m just bitter because my team doesn’t have our like five top WRs healthy or a QB who can turn a stadium vendor into an All-Pro (more on that later). Either way, both the Patriots and 49ers just got better. Let’s see how the rest of the league responds.

STAT OF THE WEEK

The best part of Emilio’s wedding was, along with some of my best friends, seeing one of my good buddies finally tie the knot with the love of his life and begin a future filled with happiness.

The second-best part of Emilio’s wedding was checking the score of the Astros-yankees game during the reception and discovering that Houston had walked off New York on a Jose Altuve two-run home run and eliminated them from the playoffs. I might’ve drunkenly screamed and celebrated with Jimmy and Chriss before beginning a five-minute solo dance session to mariachi music. That’s a perfect blend of Red Sox fandom and a shit load of tequila. 

Because the evil empire got eliminated from the playoffs, it’s time to introduce everyone to my favorite sports meme of all time. It came from David “Big Papi” Ortiz; if you don’t know who David Ortiz is, I will slap you. Big Papi is my favorite baseball player of all time and one of the best Red Sox players ever. In 2017, his first season as an analyst for FOX Sports, Ortiz proved he still has strong feelings in favor of Boston. When the Astros knocked out the yankees in Game 7, Ortiz spoofed acclaimed New York radio announcer John Sterling’s famous victory call and, in his thick Dominican accent, proclaimed, “Daaaaaaaaaaaaa Jankees Lose.”

(Side note: fuck A-Rod)

Thus, Da Jankees Lose was born. While it was already funny in 2017, it took off to a whole new level the following season when, not only did the yankees lose in the playoffs again, they were eliminated by the eventual World Series champion, 108-win Boston Red Sox in the ALDS (which included a 16-1 ass-whooping in Game 3). When Altuve’s homer cleared the bleachers, the memes came out again in full force. Even if people didn’t like the Astros, no sports franchise (not even the lakers or Patroits) are as universally hated as the yankees. I had no idea you could say “the yankees lose” in so many creative ways, but petty sports rivalries and the internet are undefeated. Here’s a compilation of some of the best versions I’ve seen. Every one is better than the last (although this and the Pikachu one are favorites). 

Fuck the yankees. Thanks for kicking their asses, Houston! That being said, I’m absolutely rooting for the Washington Nationals in the World Series.

Oh wait, y’all want a football stat. Okay, then.

Adding in the first two World Series games, that total comes out to 62 runs. Also, the Washington Capitals have scored 41 goals in that time.

RIP OLD MAN WILLIE

Fuck. This one hurts.

Willie Brown, who passed away Tuesday after a long battle with cancer, was — and will always be — an Oakland Raiders legend. His on-field accomplishments made him one of the greatest players in team history. An undrafted free agent out of Grambling State who never played DB in college, Brown honed/invented his coverage skills while with the Denver Broncos from 1963-66. Denver then made one of the dumbest trades in their history by sending Brown to Oakland, where he remained for the rest of his career (1967-78). Considered the godfather of bump-and-run coverage, Brown was part of the Raiders’ “Soul Patrol” secondary, along with “Dr. Death” Skip Thomas, George “Hit Man” Atkinson, and my favorite Raider of all time, Jack “The Assassin” Tatum. Brown is tied with Lester Hayes for most career INTs (39) in franchise history. His most iconic came during Super Bowl XI, when he returned Fran Tarkenton’s pass 75 yards to the endzone, prompting the famous “Old Man Willie” radio call. The slow motion shot (seen above) is absolutely incredible.

But what separates Brown from other Raiders greats is what he did after his playing days were over. After retiring in 1978, Brown became the team’s DB coach for ten seasons, helping the Raiders win two more Super Bowls in that time. He would return to the Raiders when the team returned to Oakland in 1995, first as an assistant, then as a team ambassador. It was in that position where Brown thrived, serving as the perfect representation of the Raiders while connecting with fans, players, personnel, you name it. Brown would announce one of Oakland’s draft picks every year, and he always made sure to remind those watching that Mother’s Day was fast approaching. Brown was always close with the Davis family, serving them, the team, and Raider Nation well until his death.

Quite simply, Willie Brown was not only a Raiders legend, but one of the few people on the Silver and Black universally respected by the NFL. He was one of the best DBs of all time and, sadly, not the only iconic Raider to pass away this year. We also lost Cliff Branch — who should be alongside Brown in the HOF — in August. This fucking sucks.

RIP Willie Brown. May the Autumn Wind forever blow in your honor, Old Man Willie.

This is a really shitty week for the Raiders, and I haven’t even begun to talk about last week’s game in Green Bay.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

 … is… is the bad man gone? He is? Okay…

I have a buddy who used to work on the FOX40 Morning Show with me and is now in Milwaukee. He offered me boarding and a ticket to Lambeau Field for Sunday’s game. I remember being pissed while having to decline because it was the same weekend as Emilio’s wedding. I am suddenly not pissed I missed this game.

I know we were playing Aaron Rodgers in Green Bay, but holy shit did the Raiders look terrible on defense. Even with Davante Adams out, Rodgers and the passing game still tore our supposedly on the rise secondary a new one, to the point where we traded Gareon Conley to the team we are literally about to face. I don’t know how Rodgers has never achieved a perfect passer rating in a game before, but of course his first came against Oakland. Of course.

God forbid anyone call me an optimist when it comes to the Raiders, but I’m still taking some positives from this crushing by the cheese heads. The running game still looks awesome and it was great to see Darren Waller finally catch a TD (even though it came at a personal cost). Oakland had the lead in the 2nd quarter and was threatening to take back before halftime when… something… happened that gave the Packers all of the momentum, which they kept through the rest of the game…

DEREK CARR, I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU TRY THAT LIMP-WRISTED, FAKE EFFORT REACHING OUT FOR THE PYLON BULLSHIT ONLY TO FUMBLE THE BALL INTO THE BACK OF THE FUCKING ENZONE FOR A ***THIRD*** GODDAMN TIME, I WILL SHOVE WHATEVER XL-SIZED EYELINER YOU USE ON A SEEMINGLY 24-HOUR BASIS STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASS.

… anyway. Oakland has to go on the road, again, to face a pissed off Deshaun Watson and his Houston Texans squad. It’s a game in which, like Jimmy dealt with this past weekend, will fill me with cognitive dissonance. 

I need something to cheer me up again. Huh, today’s the ninth anniversary of some random game in Denver? Wait… 

Oh. OOOOOOHHHHHH……. 

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 24, 2010, the greatest, most random beatdown in Oakland Raiders took place. The Raiders were 2-4 when they traveled to Denver for a Week 7 showdown with the 2-4 Broncos. Considering the team’s poor start, not many people were predicting a win, while no one saw what was coming. About five minutes into the game, Jason Campbell connected with Zach Miller on a 43-yard TD. Then, Chris Johnson picked off Kyle Orton’s pass, taking Denver’s first snap of the game back to the endzone. On the Broncos’ second snap, Demaryius Thomas fumbled the ball, which Lamarr Houston recovered. A few plays later, Darren McFadden burst into the endzone to make it 21-0. In less than two minutes, the Raiders scored three TDs. The rout was one, and it would continue. After a FG from Sebastian Janikowski, McFadden caught a TD and ran for another in the 2nd quarter, the latter of which put Oakland up 38-0. Knowshon Moreno put the home team on the board before halftime and again to start the 3rd quarter, making Broncos fans think a comeback was possible. It wasn’t. Dumbasses. The Raiders defense clamped down and the running game went to work. McFadden got his fourth TD of the day on a 57-yard run, which was sandwiched between short scores by Marcel Reese and Michael Bush. At the end of the 3rd quarter, the score was an unholy 59-14. That’s the most points the Raiders have ever scored in a game and tied for the most points given up by the Broncos in history. No one scored in the 4th quarter, but the highlights were already uploaded by Raiders fans to their computer folder where pictures and videos of attractive ladies usually go. Oakland definitely gave their fans plenty of material that day and beyond, as they would go on to sweep the AFC West. Of course, they would also be the first team to go 6-0 in their division and miss the playoffs, because Raiders. However, for one glorious day, the Raiders absolutely stuck it to one of their greatest rivals. It also gave us one of my favorite football screenshots of all time (see above), which, amazingly, includes Willie Brown.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2008 — “Bloody Friday” sees many of the world’s stock exchanges experience the worst declines in their history, with drops of around 10% in most indices.
• 2005 — Hurricane Wilma makes landfall in Florida, resulting in 35 direct and 26 indirect fatalities and causing $20.6B in damage.  
• 2004 — Arsenal loses to Manchester United 2-0 in the Battle of the Buffet, a result which snaps their record 49-game unbeaten streak. Also of note: Arsenal lost 1-0 to Sheffield United on Monday. Also of note: Kyle is an Arsenal fan. Also of note: I am a Man U fan. Also of note: Arsenal fucking sucks. 
• 2003 — Concorde makes its last commercial flight.
• 1998 — Deep Space 1 is launched to explore the asteroid belt and test new spacecraft technologies.
• 1992 — The Toronto Blue Jays become the first MLB team based outside the U.S. to win the World Series.
• 1989 — Game 3 of the World Series is played after a lengthy delay due to the deadly Loma Prieta earthquake.
• 1982 — Steffi Graf plays her first pro tennis match.
• 1964 — Northern Rhodesia gains independence from the U.K. and becomes Zambia.
• 1962 — The Manchurian Candidate is released in theaters.
• 1949 — The cornerstone of the U.N. Headquarters is laid.
• 1945 — The U.N. Charter comes into effect.
• 1931 — The George Washington Bridge opens to public traffic over the Hudson River.
• 1929 — “Black Thursday” sparks the great crash of the New York Stock Exchange.
• 1926 — Harry Houdini’s last performance takes place.
• 1901 — Annie Edson Taylor becomes the first person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
• 1861 — The first transcontinental telegraph line across the United States is completed.
• 1857 — Sheffield FC, the world’s oldest soccer club still in operation, is founded in England.
• 1851 — William Lassell discovers the moons Umbriel and Ariel orbiting Uranus.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1994 — Jalen Ramsey, LA Rams QB.
• 1986 — Drake, Grammy award-winning artist and noted bitch.
• 1985 — Wayne Rooney, Manchester United legend and England’s all-time leading goal scorer.
• 1962 — Jay Novacek, former NFL TE and three-time Super Bowl champion.
• 1947 — Kevin Kline, Academy and Tony Award-winning actor best known for his roles in Sophie’s Choice and A Fish Called Wanda.
• 1936 — Bill Wyman, bass guitarist for the Rolling Stones from 1962-93.
• 1926 — Y. A. Tittle, HOF QB, member of the San Francisco 49ers’ Million Dollar Backfield, the first professional football player featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated, subject of one of the most iconic sports photos of all time, and the inventor of the term “alley-oop.” 

DEATHS:

• 2017 — Fats Domino, pianist, singer, and rock and roll pioneer.
• 2005 — Rosa Parks, civil rights activist best known for her pivotal roll in the Montgomery bus boycott.
• 1991 — Gene Roddenberry, TV producer and creator of the Star Trek franchise.
• 1972 — Jackie Robinson, HOF second baseman and breaker of baseball’s color barrier.
• 1944 — Louis Renault, auto industry pioneer and founder of the car maker of the same name.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Food Day! There are so many of these national days dedicated to one specific food. Since the last newsletter came out, we’ve celebrated National Pasta, Chocolate Cupcake, Seafood Bisque, Brandied Fruit, Nut, Boston Cream Pie (those last two aren’t related), and Bologna Days — tomorrow is both National Greasy Food Day and National Breadstick Day! So today, it’s nice to not get overly specific and just celebrate food as a whole.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 11 FOODS I’VE EATEN ON VACATION

That being said, I’m hungry and this is a fun way to talk about food. Three major factors in this list: 1. This list begins with my September 2016 trip to Japan, which really kicked off my travel life. I obviously went on trips with family and friends before then, but nothing was really memorable… with one notable exception.

HONORABLE MENTION: TEXAS BARBECUE

When I went to Austin, Texas to cover Pacific in the 2013 NCAA Tournament, I stopped at a BBQ place whose name I forget. I got a brisket sandwich. 30 seconds after I sat down at the table, it was ready. It was delicious. When we were leaving, I helped a buddy of mine finish off an order of ribs. They were the best ribs I’ve ever had. Texas BBQ is legit.

2. I’m not made of money. You might wonder why I say this when I’ve literally been around the world and back. Well, that period is about two or three weeks out of the year. The other 49/50? I’m generally not doing shit, eating PB&J sandwiches, and saving my money. Traveling is more feasible than you’d think. You just have to be smart and plan well. When I’m out of town, I keep budgeting, though I will allow a few exceptions for myself to spend money. While in Paris, I went to a Champions League match. I saw Manchester United play while in England. I took a day trip to Niagara Falls while in Canada. These experiences were awesome, but they also meant I couldn’t exactly visit a five-star restaurant along the Champs-Élysées. Not that they’d allow sweaty tourists wearing t-shirts and jeans inside, but still. Even with the expensive food concessions, I still got some good grub in. As a bonus, all of these places (well, most of them) are realistic for budget travelers. By the way, having an overseas friend helps with budgeting.

HONORABLE MENTION: CONSTANZE’S MOTHER’S COOKING

While in Germany, I stopped by Hannover to visit my high school friend, who we will call Constanze, because that’s her name. Her mom made some absolutely delicious pot roast and potatoes and bought some delicious meats and cheeses for the following day. This is how breakfast should be — something filling but not fattening, while being absolutely tasty.
3. This list probably should probably include a lot of foods from Barcelona. However, at least 90% of my ability to handle any food of any kind was taken from me for the entirety of my time in Spain. Before I landed there, I had spent a week in Morocco. During that time, something evil crept into my system and gave me a bacterial infection similar to diarrhea and E. coli. I will spare the gruesome details, but let’s just say I could give a detailed tour of the bathrooms of Barcelona and could only keep solid food down for maybe a day. It was so bad that after I visited the doctor’s office upon return to the U.S., I received a call from the Sacramento County Health Department. I had to take antibiotics for a week. The point is, I couldn’t eat the vast majority of amazing foods I saw in Spain. I mean, I’d probably spend some time in the bathroom on a stomach at normal strength. Eating hardcore, flavorful Spanish food on my trip would’ve been like trying to outrun Usain Bolt on two broken ankles while having your feet nailed to the track and being punched in the dick by a prime Mike Tyson. 

The point is, I will back to Barcelona (and other parts of Spain) on a proper stomach to chow down on delicious grub. But for now, let’s focus on the food I’ve already eaten.

11. CHIPSFRISCH UNGARISCH (VARIOUS PLACES, GERMANY)

Yes, potato chips make the list. Why? Because these are quite simply the best chips I’ve ever had. These Hungarian paprika-flavored creations were introduced to me in Germany, where they are around every grocery store. Lucky bastards. If I was forced to give up Cheez-Its or Cape Cod Chips in favor of Chipsfrisch Ungarisch, I would not mourn. I actually ate a whole bag of these while waiting to board at the Frankfurt airport. I was basically the fat American tourist stereotype incarnate, but it was so worth it. Long live these perfect paprika potato chips.

10. LAMB AT 2 DE VINS (BARCELONA, SPAIN)

Yay, Barcelona gets a spot after all! I would typically avoid restaurants near airports, because they are usually terrible. But seeing as I was meeting with my cousin and her husband (from Fresno) for the first time and they couldn’t stray far from the airport, I had no choice. But 2 de Vins was surprising for us, and not just for the giant shank of meat sitting in the middle of the restaurant. I got the lamb ribs and potatoes, which were delightful. I also said to hell with the illness on my last day of the trip, to only mild regret in the bathroom the next morning.

9. LOBSTER ROLL AT BUSTER’S SEA COVE (TORONTO, CANADA)

This is not the only time we’ll see a lobster roll on this list. On my last day in Toronto, I stopped by the St. Lawrence Market, which is one of the top public markets in the entire world. There was fresh fish everywhere, and the local fare I decided to sample was served at Buster’s Sea Cove. The lobster was absolutely delicious, and the fries weren’t too shabby, either. While I’m happy I got to ear at St. Lawrence, I’m still pissed I couldn’t stomach the La Boqueria in Barcelona. So much good stuff there… stupid ass stomach disease motherfucking bullshit…

8. PIG ON A LEAD AT NORTHERN SOUL (MANCHESTER, ENGLAND)

In the upset of the day, food from England makes the list! However, once I saw what Northern Soul had to offer, I was definitely not upset. After the World Football Museum, this was my second stop in Manchester. Considering my love of grilled cheese and this being a grilled cheese restaurant, I had a lot to pick from. I ended up going with the Pig on a Lead, which puts mac and cheese and BBQ pulled pork on two pieces of toasted bread. It was fucking delicious. How could it not be? There was so much more I wanted to try, but couldn’t.

7. GARLIC SPAGHETTI WITH DUNGENESS CRAB AT ETTA’S (SEATTLE, WA)

Jimmy, Chriss, and I didn’t plan on stopping here during our birthday trip to Seattle a couple of years ago, but we were sure glad we did. Located somewhere near Pike Place and the OG Starbucks, Etta’s was a bit high for our budget. But it was the least expensive place we had seen and we ere hungry. I chose garlic spaghetti topped with, among other things, dungeness crab. Maybe it was the combination of ingredients, maybe it was my hunger and fatigue, but either way, this dish was exactly what I was looking for, especially in a place like Seattle.

6. CHICKEN TAJINE AT L’OASIS D’OR (AIT BEN HADDOU, MOROCCO)

Considering the possible time it takes for Shigella to take effect and the fact I went all over Morocco during my time there, it’s impossible to pinpoint what put me in the bathroom. But if it was the chicken tajine — basically a chicken, potato, and lemon stew — then it was worth it. Just kidding. Absolutely nothing is worth going through the hell I went through and having the final third of my vacation cut from underneath me. But this potted dish was really damn good and by far the best food I ate while in Morocco. That’s not really saying much, but still.

5. BRATWURST AND BEER AT OKTOBERFEST (MUNICH, GERMANY) 

Oktoberfest is the greatest place in the world. It’s a place I had on my bucket list, and have on my must-do-again list. It’s basically a giant amusement park/carnival dedicated to beer. That beer — brewed just for Oktoberfest — was some of the best I’ve ever had, served in steins so massive I got tipsy after one beer. I have decent tolerance, I swear. As what happens with alcohol consumption, food like bratwurst tastes amazing. Add in the fact that every kind of bratwurst and pretzel served at Oktoberfest is delicious, and it made for a great time.

4. LOBSTER ROLL AT COBIES (BREWSTER, MA)

Told you we hadn’t seen the last of lobster rolls! While I had liked them before, it was when I visited Cobies, a small summer shack in Brewster, that it turned into a damn near obsession. Cobies, in my opinion, has the best lobster rolls in all of Cape Cod. They’re not the biggest I’ve ever had, but they taste amazing and are buttered to perfection. Another cool fact about Cobies — they have those baseball helmet ice cream containers for every MLB team. Obviously, I got a Boston Red Sox one. Shockingly, they had plenty available, so I got two of them.

3. KAKIGŌRI (TOKYO & KYOTO, JAPAN)

Asakusa Naniwaya — a small, hole-in-the-wall join in Tokyo — makes the best dessert I have ever eaten. Kakigōri is shaved ice on steroids. It’s huge, perfectly crafted, full of variety and flavor, and makes Hawaiian shaved ice look like water. I don’t know how Japan has perfected the art of shaved ice, but I must know their secrets. I had a strawberry version while in Tokyo, but I didn’t expect to have a different kind while climbing up to the Kiyomizu-dera shrine in Kyoto. It was surreal to have a lemon shaved ice while on the side of a Japanese mountain.

2. THE MEAT AT TEXAS DE BRAZIL (LAS VEGAS, NV)

When my old roommate, Chris, and I went to Las Vegas for my birthday last year, we decided to have one night where we didn’t care about money. We decided to go to a Brazilian steakhouse called Texas de Brazil, which featured a magnificent buffet and great drinks. But what set it apart were the waiters carrying around skewers filled with delectable meats of more than a dozen varieties, cutting as many pieces onto your plate as you want. I’m not exaggerating when I say I had 15 different kinds of meat. It was the best meal of my life… until this summer.

1. CHATEAUBRIAND AT KEENS STEAKHOUSE (NEW YORK CITY, NY)

I was with my dad in New York City on Father’s Day, so I treated him to a bite at one of the best steakhouses in the world: Keens. It was by far the most I’ve ever paid and will ever pay for food. But that much money produces results, and great ones at that. We shared a Chateaubriand, which is basically sex in steak form. The meat literally melted in my mouth. Not only was it the best steak I’ve ever had, but — between the drinks and fries and bacon — the best meal I’ve ever eaten. But guess what Dad could not stop gushing about when we left? The iced tea!

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

THIS UNSETTLING CASE THAT LOOKS AND FEELS LIKE HUMAN SKIN WANTS YOU TO POKE AND PINCH YOUR SMARTPHONE

PARIS, France — It’s almost Halloween, so this phone case that’s seemingly made of skin is just in time to incite genuine horror.

Unfortunately for serial-killer-costume hopefuls, this case isn’t a product. It is, however, a serious research project concept called “Skin-On Interfaces” that’s exploring different ways to interact with the technology that we often touch to control, like smartphones and laptops.

“Skin-On Interfaces are sensitive skin-like input methods than can be added to existing devices to increase their capabilities,” researcher Marc Teyssier writes on the project’s website.

“When we interact with others, we use skin as interfaces. However the objects of mediated communication — such as the smartphone — still has a cold interface that doesn’t allow natural interaction and input. In this project, I wanted to make available the perfect human interface that is the skin for existing devices,” Teyssier said about the project’s conception.

READ MORE

Yeah… this is my response.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (4-3) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (3-4)

This week’s matchups fucking suck. Every single team in the top half of the standings is facing a team in the bottom half, meaning there will be no meaningful results for the upper tier of the league. This matchup between the 3rd place team (Orchids of Asia) and the 7th place team (C’s Champion Team) is the closest in terms of standings. So, that’s why this is up first. I’m not like a narcissist or something. Anyway, like Jimmy last week, I’m probably gonna turn into a masochist this week when Deshaun Watson rips the Raiders secondary apart for my fantasy gain and my fandom loss. If God forbid Oakland actually stands up strong, I at least get Christian McCaffrey and D.J. Moore back, although it cost me my 49ers defense. Considering the Jaguars defense gets to play the Jets, I think I’ll be okay, especially if Julian Edelman and Jamaal Williams do as well as expected. As for Chriss, Kerryon Johnson is on the IR and Kyler Murray and David Johnson are running into the Saints defense. Still, Chriss will probably win because reasons. 

JOP SUEY!!! (4-3) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (3-4)

Two teams at a crossroads diverged in a Week 8 wood. But who will take the path less traveled by? If you don’t get that reference, it’s from “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost, the best poem of all time and one of the greatest compositions in the English language, you uncultured swine. I’m using this reference because both Jop Suey!!! and Gruden Grinders at pretty much the same spot in the season, yet have come from opposite directions. Taylor has seen his promising start falter with two straight losses, while Jimmy has rallies from an 0-4 start with three straight wins. Jimmy can credit a resurgent Packers offense — led by Aaron Rodgers and Aaron Jones — and strong efforts from Josh Jacobs and Darren Waller. While OBJ looks to be a tough out against the Patriots defense, D.J. Chark and the Saints defense should keep doing well this week. Taylor, meanwhile, may not have his lately subpar roster perform much better this week. But he could get boosted by a familiar Brees blowing in the air again. Keep an eye out for Drew. 

49ERS (6-1) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (3-4)

Welp, we’ve got the highest scoring team in the league (49ers) against the lowest scoring team in the league (Dixie Normous). We sure know how this will go, right? Fantasy football is fucking weird, so anything is far from a gimme. Consider Gee’s potential hurdles at RB, one of his strongest positions this season. Alvin Kamara is hurt, Ezekiel Elliott is on a bye week, and Nick Chubb is facing the Patriots defense (at least Gee will get plenty of points there). When Royce Freeman and Ty Johnson are your best options, it’s not a good thing. Fortunately, Jared Goff should provide plenty of cover against the Bengals. I’d be more worried about Keenan Allen and Hunter Henry against the Bears, but Chicago’s offense sucks so badly it actually hurts their defense. Nick also has this problem with Mike Williams, but at least he has Stefon Diggs and Golden Tate to back him up. James Conner should also do well against the Dolphins, providing backup should LeVeon Bell or Jimmy G run into trouble, which they likely will.

GOOD HOME COOKIN (6-1) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (2-5)

Remember when Sleeping Giants was 2-1? Dad’s season is falling apart at the seams. Amari Cooper is on a bye week, Pat Mahomes is out for a few weeks, Josh Gordon is out of the year, and just when Dad needs a win the most, in comes Good Home COOKin. Dalvin Cook against the Redskins. DeAndre Hopkins against the Raiders. Cooper Kupp against the Bengals. Minshew Mania against the Jets. The Chargers defense against the woeful Bears offense. Kyle has all of these guys at his disposal, as well as a pretty nice Mark Ingram replacement in Mike Evans. There’s not too much hope out there… wait, what’s that? A potential savior emerges for Dad? It’s… Kirk Cousins? Yes, the once-ridiculed Vikings QB is currently balling the fuck out and gets plenty of motivation this week in facing his former Redskins team. If he does as well as expected, it could make up for Frank Gore, Payton Barber, Chase Edmonds, and and Jimmy Graham all falter. Plus, the Bears defense could always get it going… that is if their offense does anything.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-3) VS. DARTH RAIDER (2-5)

Speaking of lost seasons, what the hell has happened to Darth Raider? Five straight losses has the fourth-highest scoring team sitting in 10th place. How desperate for a win is Arik? He’s ditched Matt Ryan after last week’s disaster and gone to Ryan Tannehill at QB. I’m not sure who’s feeling worse about that, Arik or the Titans. But there are a few things Arik should be feeling good about, such as the Steelers defense getting to hone in on the hapless Dolphins. While Saquon Barkley and Chris Carson should have bounce back games, Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce might be in for rough weeks if Matt Moore can’t be a suitable Pat Mahomes replacement. There are plenty of spots on the Footballdamus roster which should provide suitable points this week. Leonard Fournette, Todd Gurley, Matt Brieda, and Tom Brady are facing inferior competition, while “inferior” is too weak of a work to describe the relationship between Riez’s Vikings defense and the awful Redskins offense. If all goes well for Riez, Arik’s season might be over.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-4) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (2-5)

If you guys were keeping track of which countries made the cut on my vacation food list, you noticed two omissions. While Mexico is home to some bomb food, I was barely there long enough for it to count as a visit, let alone sample the local fare. The biggest absence in terms of culinary prowess is France. I was in Paris for three days, and while I definitely had a lot of food, nothing really stuck out to me. The most memorable food was a croissant I ate while on the Eiffel Tower, which was pretty much the most French thing I could’ve done. But if I’m being honest, I just don’t really like French food. About 90% of what I like about French food is pastries/desserts. While I’m certainly not above putting desserts on my list (i.e. kakigōri), I can get most of the French desserts here (I had an amazing macaron while in Las Vegas, of all places). But I’m a bigger fan of entrees, and French cuisine just doesn’t do it for me. Now Italy on the other hand… this list will probably change big time once I take a trip and get some of that food.

ONE LAST THING

Devonta Freeman is listed at 5’9″ and 209 lbs. Aaron Donald is 6’1″ and 284 lbs. So why does Freeman look taller than Donald in this pic? Donald is literally lifting Freeman off the ground like a child, because Freeman took a swing at him during a confrontation in the Falcons-Rams game. I have two questions: 1. How pissed off do you have to be to willingly fight Aaron Donald, who’s in the discussion for most terrifying human on the planet? 2. How much of a physical freak do you have to be to lift a grown ass man like he’s a child and have it seem like it’s nothing? This is one of my favorite on-field confrontations of all time. It reminds me of the whole big brother-little brother move where you hold someone back just by putting your hand on their head while they flail aimlessly an arm’s length away. I mean, Donald went full Debo on his ass. Freeman had the “shoot for the stars” attitude, but Donald quickly sent him right back down to Earth.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Most Interviewed Person by FOX40, Week of Oct 21-25