Ruben's Writings

Happy Halloween, motherfuckers!

For those who don’t know (or forgot), Halloween is my second-favorite holiday of the year, only trailing the 4th of July. Even though I’ll be sleeping while the trick-or-treating and partying goes down, I’ve still enjoyed the fun, spirit, and candy that Halloween has to offer.

Even though Halloween was the obvious choice for this week’s theme, I can’t go just a generic Halloween tribute like I’ve done before. Shit gets stale. That’s why last year I went specific and focused on horror films. This year, I’m turning the focus to what’s behind a large part of the basic Halloween spirit: being scared. What scares people more than anything else?

Taxes? Well yeah, but come on.

Death? Morbid, but close. Keep going.

Dying alone without ever finding true love? This is getting personal.

Four more years of President Trump? Not touching that one.

Alligators, crocodiles, and brain aneurysms? Shut up, Archer.

Damn it, I’m talking about monsters!

… you know what I mean.

There we go! Witches, vampires, ghosts, goblins, werewolves, mummies, zombies, you name it! These creepy creatures have been a central part of Halloween and being scared in general for as long as we can remember. Let’s highlight some of the most iconic monsters in pop culture, talk about some of the biggest monsters ever to lace them up, and highlight some monster results this from this past week’s virtual gridiron action.

You know… this newsletter feels like it’s missing something.

Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about the World Series. The Washington Nationals will get their well-deserved due in next week’s newsletter. I’ve got some good stuff planned for that. 

Anyway, Max Scherzer looks and acts like a goddamn monster, so it still works.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

GRUDEN GRINDERS (4-4) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (4-4)

147.60 – 117.62

Ladies and gentlemen, Gruden Grinders is officially back from the dead. Jimmy has rebounded from his 0-4 start to get back to .500, scoring more points than post during his winning streak. As usual, Jimmy was carried by a duo of Green Bay Packers named Aaron — Aaron Rodgers (27 points) and Aaron Jones (34 points). But Jimmy’s true star was Tevin Coleman, who out of nowhere dropped 35 points. No one else in Jimmy’s lineup even reached double digits, but it didn’t really matter when his third-highest scorer nearly reached 30 points. Jop Suey!!! has to feel a little robbed, considering they would’ve won pretty much every other week. Drew Brees (25 points) did well in his return, while Michael Thomas (16 points), Tyrell Williams (15 points), and Joe Mixon (13 points) had nice days as well. However, there was simply no beating Jimmy this week. Taylor, who just a few years ago was sitting pretty at 4-1, has now lost three straight matchups and is suddenly in a much more precarious position as we get near crunch time. 

DARTH RAIDER (3-5) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-4)

121.82 – 92.66

Speaking of righting the ship, Darth Raider has finally snapped its five-game losing streak. It’s been quite a while since Arik has added to his win column, and he can thank an old school football lineup did the job. Both of his TEs (Travis Kelce and Austin Hooper) brought in a dozen points each, while his RBs — Saquon Barkley (20 points) and Chris Carson (15 points) ate up the competition. Throw in the Steelers defense (13 points) doing well against the Dolphins and Ryan honest to goodness Tannehill’s 19 points, and Arik had a solid day despite poor efforts from his WRs. Speaking of, Footballdamus’ WRs didn’t exactly light the world on fire, either, while Gerald Everett didn’t do anything. Tom Brady might’ve led the way with 18 points and Leonard Fournette (13 points) and the Vikings defense (12 points) might’ve been solid, but they weren’t nearly enough to make up for an overall mediocre performance from the rest of the lineup. Like Taylor, Riez has dropped back to .500 and finds his playoff position threatened by several teams. 

49ERS (7-1) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (3-5)

102.78 – 93.40

Man… we ALMOST had the upset of the season! 49ers had an uncharacteristically pedestrian day, by which I mean they barely broke triple digits. Jared Goff (22 points) ripped apart the Bengals and the Patriots defense (21 points) fed the Browns to the Dawg Pound. But Gee’s next highest scorer only had ten points. Gee’s skill position players were average at best, leaving Gee with only 102 points. Ironically, it’s a tally that Dixie Normous would probably kill for. Nick, owner of the lowest scoring roster in the league, had an above average day himself. But, this still wasn’t enough to keep up with Gee. Jimmy G mustered up the same contribution as Adam Vinatieri (14 points) and Stefon Diggs (12 points) was one of just two other players to finish with more than 11 points. Still, Nick almost made a comeback, with James Conner putting up 21 points on Monday Night. Maybe if the Steelers get off to a better start or Conner plays one more snap before getting injured, the gap could’ve been closed. But alas, it just wasn’t good enough to top Gee.

THREE EYED RAVENS (3-5) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-5)

104.40 – 98.98

What the shit is this? An exciting, decently scoring matchup that came down to the final half of the Monday Night game? I don’t know what got into the Three Eyed Ravens and Krispy Kritters, but I like it. Both Ewing and Richard had some strengths and struggles on Sunday. Marlon Mack and Jordan Howard combined to give Ewing 32 points, though Greg Olsen and the Chiefs defense came up with nothing. Luke Kuechly (15 points) was one of few Panthers to do much against the 49ers, much to Richard’s delight. While Richard was disappointed with Brandin Cooks’ goose egg, he also had to be thrilled with Kenny Golladay’s 23 points. It was enough to negate an unexpectedly good game from Derek Carr (23 points) for Ewing. At the end of Sunday, Richard held a double digit lead, but Ewing had one more player left. Contrary to all of his anti-Steelers beliefs, Ewing had to root for Juju Smith-Schuster. It took until the 3rd quarter, but a 26-yard TD by Juju (17 points) put Ewing up for good. Ewing’s Terrible Towel arrives soon

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (5-3) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (3-5)

137.16 – 56.60

I actually feel bad about this one. Chriss, for whatever reason, can’t get into his Yahoo! account to change his lineup, hence him being the only one who hasn’t made a move this season. This is why C’s Champion Team’s lineup included an injured David Johnson, Kerryon Johnson, and O.J. Howard. Granted, only Julio Jones (15 points) gave Chriss more than ten points, but still. If Orchids of Asia had lost this one, I would’ve never lived it down. Fortunately, I didn’t just knock the fantasy football equivalent of a crippled child down, I sent him to the morgue. Deshaun Watson tore my Raiders apart (more on that later) for 27 points, while Christian McCaffrey (23 points) was one of the few productive Panthers against the 49ers. Throw on nice days from Jamaal Williams (15 points), Julian Edelman (19 points), and the Jaguars defense (15 points), and I would’ve had more than enough ammo. Given Chriss’ inability to do anything about it, and this might be the beginning of the end for him. What a fucking hellish goddamn shit show.

GOOD HOME COOKIN (7-1) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (2-6)

153.46 – 52.50

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to today to mourn the late Sleeping Giants. With Kirk Cousins’ recent streak of success, Dad thought he might have a chance. But not only did Cousins struggle, but his 11 points were a lineup-high. Chriss had four guys give him goose eggs, and he still scored more points than Dad. With that weak production, Dad stood no chance against the relentless onslaught brought forth by Good Home Cookin. There was the random Mike Evans (31 points) domination game. There was Cooper Kupp (28 points) running wild over the Bengals. Those two players alone would’ve been enough for Kyle, but he sowed no mercy. A pair of 23-point bombs from Dalvin Cook and Gardner Minshew made this matchup go full nuclear. I cannot stress this enough: Kyle beat Dad by more than 100 FUCKING POINTS. My matchup with Kyle next week has, by rule, become an honor duel, as I have to try to restore some semblance of respect to the Dominguez name. Anyway, RIP to the Sleeping Giants franchise. Yikes.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (7-1)
2. Good Home COOKin (7-1)
3. Orchids of Asia (5-3)
4. Gruden Grinders (4-4)
5. Jop Suey!!! (4-4)
6. Footballdamus (4-4)
7. Darth Raider (3-5)
8. Three Eyed Ravens (3-5)
9. The Krispy Kritters (3-5)
10. C’s Champion Team (3-5)
11. Dixie Normous (3-5)
12. Sleeping Giants (2-6)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (978.86)
2. Good Home COOKin (973.62)
3. Orchids of Asia (917.52)
4. Darth Raider (874.00)
5. Gruden Grinders (833.62)
6. Three Eyed Ravens (819.74)
7. The Krispy Kritters (812.48)
8. Jop Suey!!! (798.58)
9. C’s Champion Team (752.82)
10. Footballdamus (744.20)
11. Sleeping Giants (718.30)
12. Dixie Normous (656.38)

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 9TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 9 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Keep asking me about the deadline in our group chat and I’ll haunt your dreams.

A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING

As for the actual NFL trade deadline, a whole lot of jack and shit went down. The biggest move at the deadline saw Aqib Talib go to the Miami Dolphins. I’m incredibly heartbroken to see a stand-up guy like Talib have to play on a winless team. I feel so, so bad for him.

Anyway, it was an incredibly boring trade deadline. By far the most notable swap only involved one team, and one position.

STAT OF THE WEEK

(spoiler alert: the Bengals lost)

This has been an eventful week for Andy Dalton. The Cincinnati Bengals fell to the LA Rams in London, despite a solid game from Dalton. I mean, did you see how many drops the Bengals had on both sides of the ball? Then, on his 32nd birthday, the Red Rifle got holstered.

Since Dalton has entered the league, he’s been ragged on as a mediocre QB with a milquetoast personality on a shitty team. The first insult is unfair. Dalton has put up some pretty notable stats — he’s one of only six QBs to throw 20 TDs in each of his first three seasons and has several Bengals franchise records. Hell, he led Cincinnati to the playoffs in five straight seasons. That accomplishment alone deserves respect. Dalton has had some bad games, but he’s also shown the ability to shred defenses. Remember when he led the Bengals to the top AFC before breaking his thumb in 2015? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Over the past few years, Dalton’s production has dropped, though it’s hardly his fault. Keep in mind: he plays for the Bengals, a historically terrible franchise with piss poor coaching and incompetent management/ownership. Dalton has also dealt with injuries to both himself and his biggest weapons (i.e. A.J. Green this season). That 2015 season should’ve seen Dalton and the Bengals in the AFC Championship Game, if not for the thumb injury and Vontaze Burfict being a fucking idiot and unleashing Antonio Brown’s inner demons with this hit in the playoffs. 

If Cincinnati thinks Dalton is the source of their problems, they’re (shockingly) wrong. Their running game has gone to shit due to injuries and OL regression. Green and other WR problems have hindered Dalton’s ability to throw the ball. The defense can’t get out of its own way. Mike Brown has needed to hire a real GM for years, and sell the team years before that. Things are a mess in the jungle, but for some reason Bengals management refuses to do anything about it. They took an eternity to fire Marvin Lewis, and will take longer to get through their rebuild, if they even start it. They won’t be competitive for years, yet refuse to trade Green or Dalton to stock up on picks to reshape the franchise. 

Instead of trading Dalton, they decided to bench him (again, on his fucking birthday) in favor of Ryan Finley, a rookie out of — I actually had to look this up — NC State. I highly doubt Finley will be able to lead Cincinnati on a late run. Even if he does, the best they can finish is 8-8. Personally, I hope they end up at least 0-14 and do their part in setting up the greatest regular season game in NFL history: a showdown with the potentially also 0-14 Miami Dolphins in the Toilet Bowl of the century. This would be covered more intensely than the Super Bowl.

As for Dalton, I hope he goes somewhere where he can prove himself again. An easy possibility is the Chicago Bears, which would also keep his whole orange hair thing relevant. But perhaps no destination is a possibility if Brown and Bengals management continue to twiddle their thumbs and keep Cincinnati as mediocre as everyone thinks Dalton plays.

I will give you the whole milquetoast thing, though. Dalton’s hair is more fiery than his personality.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

 Well… that was disappointing.

This was the first loss of the season that not only wasn’t a blowout, but the Raiders actually had a chance to win. Oakland never trailed until halfway through the 4th quarter, when the Texans took the lead for good. Ultimately, three things spelled doom in Houston.

1. Shockingly, penalties played a big factor in a Raiders game. 11 penalties for 100 yards is never a benefit to on-field production, with Oakland drives stalling out due to yellow flags. On the other side of the ball, five Houston first downs came directly from penalties on the Raiders. Some of those were, as usual, bullshit. But discipline is still a major issue needing fixing. 

2. The Texans are also a good football team. Deshaun Watson, to my fantasy benefit, was unable to be stopped by the Raiders defense. That last TD where he evaded a sack, got kicked in the eye, and hit his TE in the endzone was particularly insane. Oakland only had three possessions in the 2nd half thanks to Houston’s game plan and execution on the ground.

3. Both factors above considered, the Raiders still could’ve won. But, Oakland didn’t deliver when it mattered. From penalties to stopping Watson to not challenging certain calls (the DeAndre Hopkins fumble and PI on the Tyrell Williams drop). The Raiders scored on two of their three 2nd half drives, but the surrender punt on the final possession was just embarrassing.

This loss could ultimately prove quite costly, considering the Texans are one of the teams battling the Raiders for a Wild Card spot. It would’ve also been a nice morale boost to end the massive road trip with a win over a playoff contender. While the season is far from dead, the margin for error has noticeably shrunken.

The good news: that long road trip has finally come to an end. The Raiders return to Oakland to start a four-game stretch of incredibly winnable games. The first and probably best team of that bunch is the Detroit Lions. Given Detroit has an incredibly potent offense led by quite possibly a career year from Matt Stafford, I fear for our defense. Given our offense has also been good and the Lions are one of the biggest enigmas in all of football, we might be able to keep up. This will also be a battle of the two teams historically fucked over by referees the most, so something controversial will probably happen. This game is also important for me on a personal note, but I’ll talk about that more next week.

If the Raiders are gonna make the playoffs, they have to start winning now.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 31, 1987, one of the biggest trades in NFL history — in terms of both size and impact — went down. Eric Dickerson was one of the best RBs in football in the 80’s, and in 1986 had finished off another season with 2,000 yards from scrimmage. However, he was not happy in Los Angeles and had a years-long contract dispute with the Rams. As November loomed, the Rams had just one win in the strike-shortened 1987 season. Meanwhile, the Indianapolis Colts were unusually not terrible at 3-3, but knew they needed a big piece to end their decade-long playoff drought. So, probably after a few spooky cocktails, the two teams — along with the Buffalo Bills — worked out a massive 10-player, six-draft pick deal which sent Dickerson (who was dressed as an indigenous American at a Halloween party when he found out about the trade) to the Colts. The Rams received RB Owen Gill, a 1st, and two 2nds from Indianapolis, as well as RB Greg Bell, two 1sts, and a 2nd from Buffalo. This remains one of the most insane trades ever seen in the NFL, and the results were quite interesting. The Colts got exactly what they wanted — at first, anyway. Dickerson kept up his stellar pace and led his new team to their first playoff berth since moving to Indianapolis. However, the Colts missed out over the following four years, finishing 1-15 in 1991. Dickerson, as you can imagine, was not thrilled, and found himself back in LAs — this time on the Raiders. Bell was pretty good for the Rams, who got back to the playoffs in 1988-89. However, LA didn’t really hit on any of their six draft picks (Cleveland Gary and Darryl Henley were by far the most productive) and would not return to the playoffs until their Super Bowl-winning season in 1999. Oddly, it might’ve been the Bills who got the best return in LB Cornelius Bennett, who couldn’t work out a deal in Indianapolis. In Buffalo, Bennett earned five Pro Bowl appearances and was an important piece in making four consecutive Super Bowls. The Bills also didn’t miss Bell, because they had a guy named Thurman Thomas waiting in the wings

.THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• Side note: there were a shit ton of fatal commercial plane crashes that happened on Halloween. If you have a planned flight for today, you might want to cancel it.
• 2011 — The global population of humans reaches seven billion.  
• 2000 — Soyuz TM-31 launches, carrying the first resident crew to the International Space Station. 
• 1968 — The Milwaukee Bucks defeat the Detroit Pistons 138-118 for their first victory in franchise history.
• 1950 — Earl “Big Cat” Lloyd becomes the first African-American to play in an NBA game, scoring six points for the Washington Capitols.
• 1941 — Mount Rushmore is completed after 14 years of work.
• 1940 — The Battle of Britain ends with the U.K. preventing a possible German invasion in WW2.
• 1922 — Benito Mussolini is made Prime Minister of Italy.
• 1913 — The dedication of the Lincoln Highway, the first automobile highway across U.S., takes place.
• 1864 — Nevada is admitted as the 36th U.S. state.
• 683 — The Kaaba catches fire and is burned down during the Siege of Mecca.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 2000 — Willow Smith, actress and daughter of Will Smith.
• 1997 — Marcus Rashford, young star striker for Manchester United.
• 1981 — Mike Napoli, former MLB catcher and member of the 2013 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox.
• 1967 — Vanilla Ice, rapper and creator of “Ice Ice Baby.”
• 1963 — Rob Schneider, actor and comedian best known for his work on Saturday Night Live and many shitty movies.
• 1961 — Peter Jackson, director/producer best known for his work on the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit trilogies.
• 1952 — Joe West, the first of many blind umpires in MLB history.
• 1951 — Nick Saban, head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide and the CFB version of Bill Belichick. Of course Saban was born on Halloween.
• 1950 — John Candy, beloved actor/comedian best known for films such as Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Stripes, Cool Runnings, Spaceballs, and Uncle Buck.
• 1943 — Brian Piccolo, Chicago Bears RB who formed a friendship with Gale Sayers, died of cancer at age 26, and was the subject of the famous TV movie Brian’s Song.
• 1930 — Michael Collins, astronaut and the only member of the Apollo 11 crew not to step foot on the Moon. 

DEATHS:

• 2018 — Willie McCovey, HOF first baseman, San Francisco Giants icon, and namesake of McCovey Cove.
• 1993 — River Phoenix, actor and teen idol.
• 1983 — George Halas, HOF head coach, owner, founder of the Chicago Bears, and one of the most iconic football figures of all time.
• 1926 — Harry Houdini, iconic illusionist and escape artist.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Knock Knock Joke Day! I asked my coworkers — professional writers — to come up with their best knock knock jokes. This was my favorite:
“(eye roll) Ruben, stop annoying us with your dumbass jokes already. We’re trying to work.”

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 24 SCARIEST PLAYERS IN NFL HISTORY

NFL players are generally physically imposing human beings. But some of them are seemingly a different species, some lab-created monster designed only to impose fear into every opponent they come across. From being massive and strong to simply scary to look at, these guys started the intimidation game before the ball was even snapped. This is a tribute to those terrifying titans, the ones who won’t just tackle you, but try to take your soul. I would never want to fight, be hit by, or get on the bad side of any NFL player, but these guys I would bend over backwards not to accidentally insult to their faces.

I took several factors into consideration here. I imagined being forced to take part in an Oklahoma Drill or in a game situation where I’m right in these players’ line of sight. Do they simply hit the shit out of me, or do they shave years off my life (or just end it altogether)? Did they impact the game on sheer ferociousness/terror alone? Did they make the opposition legitimately not want to play football anymore? This being Halloween, looking as monstrous as possible, playing for a scary team, being part of a particularly frightening unit, and even having a creepy name/nickname are also bonuses. 

HONORABLE MENTION: THE OFFENSE

I’m not including offensive players because, for the most part, their intimidation comes from their skill alone. I definitely wouldn’t be able to tackle an NFL player, but an offensive player won’t make me fear for my life. There are some exceptions, like Bo Jackson, Christian Okoye, Earl Campbell, Marshawn Lynch, Rob Gronkowski, and Mike Ditka. But still, defense is king.

HONORABLE MENTION: TOO GREAT

There also a few players who don’t make the cut not because they weren’t intimidating enough, but because they were more revered for their skill than their ability to induce fear. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather not be on Reggie White, Ronnie Lott, Charles Haley, Kevin Greene, and Brian Urlacher’s bad side. But in this case, they ended up being too great for their own good.

24. TROY POLAMALU

Though he’s known more for his Head & Shoulders commercials these days, Troy Polamalu was a goddamn terror on the field. When offenses saw that mop of hair running towards them, they got afraid quickly. From big hits to insane tackles, Polamalu’s career highlight list (sorry Ewing) is insane — a big chunk of the fear comes from the fact offenses can’t predict where he’ll be. Polamalu almost didn’t make the cut because of the whole “too good” aspect. However, I’ll let former P turned media darling Pat McAfee tell you about being afraid of Polamalu.

23. BRUCE SMITH

While some might argue this pick also goes against my “too good” eliminator, I couldn’t leave the NFL’s career sack leader (200 of them) off the list. You go ahead and tell me Bruce Smith wasn’t scary. At 6’4″ and 280 lbs., Smith absolutely wrecked offenses as the anchor of a Buffalo Bills defense during their run of four straight Super Bowl appearances. Dennis Hopper, of all people, summarized the emotions of being on the opposite side of Smith during this fantastic Nike commercial. What would Bruce Smith do to offenses? “Bad things, man.”

22. JACK YOUNGBLOOD

Yes, Dad, Jack Youngblood is on the list — for multiple reasons. 1. His name is “Youngblood,” giving him a natural advantage over the others. 2. Youngblood nearly didn’t make the NFL due to his smaller size, leading to a determination and insanity to prove everyone wrong. That led to 3. playing the entire 1979 playoffs (including Super Bowl XIV) and 1980 Pro Bowl with a broken leg, Greg Jennings style. That’s gotta be intimidating. Fun fact: Youngblood worked for the Sacramento Surge and the Sacramento Gold Miners, the first American team in the CFL. 

21. SAM HUFF

Sam Huff was one of the biggest, most intimidating LBs of the 1960’s and 70’s, one of the few players capable of slowing down the lines of Jim Brown and Jim Taylor. With his large, yet fast physique, Huff was the perfect for Giants defensive coordinator Tom Landry to build his brand new 4-3 defense around. Huff, who once said “You can run on a football field, but you can’t hide out there,” never hid from the spotlight. He was the first NFL player to grace the cover of Time magazine and was the subject of a CBS TV special called “The Violent World of Sam Huff.”

20. TED HENDRICKS

Owner of one of the best nicknames in NFL history, Ted Hendricks was dubbed “the Mad Stork” because he was hella tall (6’7″), white, and nuts. A perfect fit for the Raiders! Despite winning Super Bowl V with the Baltimore Colts, Hendricks truly flourished when he arrived in Oakland. Hendricks was part of all three Super Bowl-winning Raiders squads, wreaking havoc on offenses with his lanky, padded arms. A big-ass, crazy as hell white dude wearing Silver and Black was a lot to deal with. Fun fact: Hendricks was the NFL’s first Guatemalan-born player.

19. NDAMUKONG SUH

We’ve now come to the “massive human beings who currently play DL in the NFL” portion of this list. Let’s start with Ndamukong Suh, one of the most fearsome one-man wrecking crews football has ever seen. Since entering the NFL after getting robbed of the Heisman in 2010, Suh has racked up a ton of accolades, a ton of money, and a ton of penalties. He’s also picked up quite the reputation as a dirty player. To recap:a  6’4″ and 315 lbs. mass of generational talent that occasionally tries to injure you? That’s something I want 0% of as an opponent.

18. AARON DONALD

Several inches and dozens of pounds smaller than Suh, Aaron Donald is nonetheless just as, if not more, intimidating. Donald has been in the NFL for not even six seasons and he’s already in the conversation for best DL of all time. Why? Because he’s freakishly strong. Anyone who can pick up an NFL player like a child like it’s nothing is goddamn terrifying. Seriously, going back to my Oklahoma Drill method of ranking these guys, what would your reaction be if you saw this or this lineup ahead of you? I’d probably have better luck purging Oklahoma of all racism.

17. J.J. WATT

The best part of the Atlanta Falcons’ season of Hard Knocks had nothing to do with the featured team; rather, it was this shot of J.J. Watt about to welcome Jake Matthews to the NFL. Watt looks like a Greek god walking into the arena. That’s pretty accurate, if we’re honest. Watt is simply massive, lanky, and better at eating QBs alive than most football players ever. In this current football era, Watt might be the most unguardable, with one exception. Now, we’ve reached my No. 1 NFL What if: who would’ve one if Watt and Gronk ever got into a fight?.

16. KHALIL MACK

I’ve waxed poetic about Khalil Mack’s defensive prowess in several newsletters, and for good reason. With a name like “Mack,” he runs through offenses like a Mack truck. The man still gets to QBs even when triple teamed, quite literally turning into a one-man wrecking crew. On top of his defensive skill, Mack is a terrifying person on the field. If I were Eddy Pineiro or the Titty Kisser, I would fear for my life considering anger over their awful play. We’ve now come to the end of the “massive human beings who currently play DL in the NFL” portion of this list.

15. STEVE ATWATER

Christian Okoye was one of my offensive honorable mentions. But the RB’s reputations as an unstoppable force was torn to shreds when Steve Atwater, then in his second NFL season, laid this hit on Okoye. It was one of several bone-jarring blows Atwater would blast the opposition with, as the FS became one of the NFL’s toughest hitters of all time. When Atwater laid the wood, he would do so with a big grin on his face. When the “Smiling Assassin” laughs after fucking you up, that’s intimidating and terrifying. Intimifying? Terridating? That sounds weird.

14. JACK TATUM

No smiling here — “The Assassin” is still producing horror from the players he faced. The late Jack Tatum, Oakland Raiders legend and my personal favorite NFL player of all time, is the most fearsome, hardest-hitting DB to ever live. Take it from the man himself: “My idea of a good hit is when the victim wakes up on the sidelines with train whistles blowing in his head… I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault.” “I don’t care who gets in my way — my mother, my grandmother, my daughter: I’ll knock each and every one of them on their ass.” 

13. BRONKO NAGURSKI

The most intimidating player of the early days of the NFL, Bronko Nagurski was simply bigger, stronger, and badder than most people on the planet. Imagine a slightly taller and heavier Adrian Peterson unleashed on the leatherhead era. RIP everyone. On offense, Nagurski was simply too much to tackle (he supposedly cracked the brick wall at Wrigley Field) or even break down — he would play as an OL when he was too injured to be a RB. On defense, it would’ve been easier to avoid being laid out by an actual bronco than Bronko Nagurski.

12. BRIAN DAWKINS

If you are nicknamed after Wolverine, the most badass superhero of all time (including Batman), you have to be a beast. Brian Dawkins was just that. Weapon X was one of the most aggressive players in NFL history, and the intimidation began when he walked onto the field. Well, when he crawled onto the field, rather. Once the game began, good fucking luck. Dawkins flew to offensive players like a hawk and brought them down via any means necessary, whether it be via flying tackle, punishing hit, or suplex. Dawkins’ opponents must’ve been seeing ghosts.

11. CHUCK BEDNARIK

Speaking of Philadelphia Eagles players who hit like a train, Chuck Bednarik is the only player I’d ever consider to be more hard-hitting than Jack Tatum. “Concrete Charile,” the NFL’s last two-way player, is well-deserving. Bednarik grew up in Bethlehem, went to Penn, and was a lifetime Eagle, bringing that hard-nosed Pennsylvania attitude to the NFL. Bednarik’s most notable moment (pictured above) came in 1960, when he knocked Frank Gifford out of football for over 18 months with arguably the most bone-crunching tackle in NFL history.

10. JAMES HARRISON

James Harrison has been described as the real-life version of Deebo from Friday, but he might be closer to Luke Cage. Physically imposing and an one of the most effective pass rushers ever, Harrison might only be able to be stopped with a brick in hand — he’s that strong. When you combine pure genetic freakish strength with dad strength and old man strength, you can do shit like this. Did you know Harrison was cut by the Baltimore Ravens in 2003? Imagine a defense with Harrison, Terrell Suggs, and Ray Lewis — don’t worry Ewing, we’ll get to him later.

9. RAY NITSCHKE

If Colin Mochrie was as terrifying and good at football as he is funny and Canadian, he’d by Ray Nitschke. Even though he died 11 years ago, I’m still worried Nitschke will find out I made a bald joke at his expense. One of the greatest LBs in football history, Nitschke was also pretty good at scaring the shit out of opposing players. In another what-if, Nitschke grew up in the outskirts of Chicago, went to Illinois, and hoped to drafted by the Bears. Instead, we went to Green Bay and became a Packers legend. Oh, and a tower fell on him. Don’t worry, he was fine.

8. DEACON JONES

Deacon Jones left his mark on the football, and the QBs he annihilated. In fact, Jones coined the term “QB sack.” To get to the QB, he often slapped OL in the head, which prompted them to literally sharpen their face masks. Jones didn’t care. He bled through it because he truly loved sacking QBs. Jones described bringing a QB down as putting all the offensive players in a bag and beating that bag with a baseball bat. When asked if he had any regrets, Jones responded, “Yes… I’d kill more QBs.” I’m surprised more QBs didn’t shit themselves when facing Jones.

7. JOE GREENE

Someone whose nickname is “Mean” has to place high on this list. While some might think that had to do with the coincidence of Greene’s alma mater being North Texas, all you’d have to do is look at his terrifying presence on the field. Arguably the toughest, most intimidating member of the Steel Curtain (although someone else on this list might have something to say about that), Greene did not fuck around on the field. Greene, as a rookie, even spat in Dick Butkus’ face — and got away with it. When someone like Butkus gives you that respect, it says a lot.

6. MIKE SINGLETARY

Honestly, any member of the 1985 Chicago Bears defense is worthy of a spot on this list. But we’ll keep it to just Mike Singletary, because as the leader of the most legendary defense in football history, you’ve gotta be pretty damn scary. He earned the nickname “Samurai Mike” for his intensity and focus, once giving a speech to the defense that was so insane, it had players throwing chairs and knocking over tables. Singletary also authored Dad’s favorite football quote: “I like this kind of party!” It’s either that or, “[the QB] must go down and he must go down hard.”

5. JOHN RANDLE

To be great at defense — and a true terror on the field — you have to be at least a little crazy. John Randle was a whole lot of crazy, and one of the greatest DTs of all time. Undrafted in 1990, Randle used everyone’s doubts as fuel to become one of the most feared pass rushers ever. If his skills, strength, and eye black weren’t enough, Randle also dished out some of the most insane, legendary trash talk ever put out on an NFL field. He’s one of the best characters the NFL’s ever seen. Just search “John Randle gif” for some amazing results.

4. RAY LEWIS

Told you we’d get here, Ewing. For 17 years, Ray Lewis tore through offenses, battering them down with physical play and intimidation. In addition to being a physical freak and incredible LB, Lewis is one of the greatest trash talkers of all time, in any sport. Lewis could just as easily motivate his teammates to run through a mountain as force opponents to back down from a molehill. Top that all with a scowl that would make the bravest of hearts skip a beat, and you have one legendarily scary player. Although, if we’re talking about appearances…

3. JACK LAMBERT

If this list were based purely on looks, Jack Lambert would win in a landslide. Seriously, look at this cover photo for Sports Illustrated. That is pure nightmare fuel. Lambert also happened to possess legendary LB skills and was a part of the Steel Curtain. So, offenses pretty much shit themselves. Just ask John Elway, who had to face Lambert as a rookie. “He had no teeth, and he was slobbering all over himself. I’m thinking, ‘You can have your money back, just get me out of here. Let me go be an accountant.’ I can’t tell you how badly I wanted out of there.”

2. LAWRENCE TAYLOR

Lawrence Taylor struck fear into seemingly everyone he met, on and off the field. On the field, Taylor revolutionized how football was played as not only arguably the greatest defensive player in NFL history, but one of the best overall players ever. On top of that, Taylor also produced some of the best trash talk the game has ever seen, made all the more effective by the fact it came from the baddest motherfucker on the planet. Taylor was a football genius, but he was also a legitimate psychopath. The cocaine probably had something to do with that.

1. DICK BUTKUS

“Roses are red, and violets are blue. If you’ve got any sense, you’ll keep [Dick] Butkus away from you.” That was said by Deacon Jones, a man who regrets not killing QBs. Dick Butkus is quite simply the most feared man in NFL history, and for good reason. He could deliver a blow that was more aimed at putting opponents in a cemetery than in a hospital. His trash talking hit almost as hard. He was so ferocious, he was more like an actual bear than a human. When no one mentions your first name is Dick and your last name sounds like “butt kiss,” you are scary.

I’m sorry, I need a second paragraph to include the best quote I’ve ever heard about a player, particularly a defensive one, courtesy of NFL Films: “He was Moby Dick in a goldfish bowl. His nine-year career stands apart as the single most sustained work of devastation ever committed on a football field by anyone, anywhere, any time. To talk about him is to drain the vocabulary of superlatives.” When you are that respected and feared by the toughest of players and the historical authority of the NFL, you are the scariest motherfucker in NFL history.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

SCIENTISTS TAUGHT RATS TO DRIVE LITTLE RAT-SIZED CARS

RICHMOND, Va. — Rats have learned how to drive and steer their own tiny cars in exchange for Froot Loops.

That’s a feat on its own.

But the real discovery in the study — and its wider implications for human mental health treatment — was found in their poop, per new findings published in Behavioural Brain Research.

Kelly Lambert, study author and head of the University of Richmond’s Lambert Behavioral Neuroscience Laboratory, trained two groups of young rats: One bunch raised in an “enriched environment” with toys, ladders, balls and pieces of wood designed to spark mental stimulation, and another reared in a standard, unexciting lab cage.

The rats learned to enter a custom “rat-operated vehicle,” or ROV, adorably constructed from a one-gallon plastic container turned on its side.

Once inside, the rat racers would stand on an aluminum plate and press on a copper bar that would trigger the wheels’ motor. They’d hold down on the bar until they propelled their tiny car to the end of their enclosure, where they collected their reward: Froot Loops.

READ MORE

Rats. Driving. Cars. Fucking incredible.

We Stuart Little up in here.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (5-3) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (2-6)

At last, the annual Dominguez Bowl is here. With Brian out of the league, this is the only inter-family showdown possible. Unfortunately for Dad, I have dominated this matchup, winning about 2/3 of the time across all leagues and beating him at least once a year. This year, this is our only such meeting, so everything’s at stake this weekend. All of the stats point to an easy win for Orchids of Asia. Deshaun Watson, Julian Edelman, Christian McCaffrey, George Kittle, Jamaal Williams, T.Y. Hilton, and the 49ers defense should all do well for me this week, while pretty much the entire Sleeping Giants lineup has been terrible lately. While Kirk Cousins looks set for a nice game and Amari Cooper returns from a bye, no one else (at least on paper) looks ready to be productive. But that’s the thing about fantasy football — no one knows what will happen. I’ve been either great or awful, swapping on a seemingly weekly basis. Anything can happen, and if Dad manages to pull off the upset, he will never let me hear the end of it. The horror… 

49ERS (7-1) VS. DARTH RAIDER (3-5)

Darth Raider finally killed off its losing streak last week, but coming back from the dead gets pretty difficult this week. 49ers, one of the few teams where scoring 102 points is considered to be a bad week. Gee is trying to install the Patriot Way in his guys, but his New England defense will be facing its toughest test this season in Lamar Jackson. But if Gee’s best roster spot slips up a bit, he still has Matt Stafford looking to continue a career year against the vulnerable Raiders defense (goddamn it). Nick Chubb, Ezekiel Elliott, and Chris Godwin should all have another good game this week. But if Gee slips up again, Arik’s guys might be able to take advantage. Keep in mind, while Gee has the top scoring lineup, Arik isn’t too shabby at fourth. Thank guys like Tyreek Hill, Chris Carson, Saquon Barkley, and Travis Kelce for keeping Arik competitive each week, despite the losses. If Ryan Tannehill can go off and the Titans defense can follow up on what the 49ers did to Kyle Allen last week, Arik could possibly pull off the upset. 

GOOD HOME COOKIN (7-1) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-4)

If that upset does happen, Good Home COOKin will be there to pounce back on the No. 1 spot in the standings. Kyle responded to any doubts about a possible downturn by literally murdering my poor father last week, and could also land a potential death blow to another team. Footballdamus crept up the standings, despite not finishing in triple digits since Week 1. But Riez has lost three of their last four matchups, and is facing a monstrous lineup to try and avoid going under .500. Kyle’s margin of victory last week was greater than and point total Riez has achieved all season. Dalvin Cook, Phillip Lindsay, Mike Evans, DeAndre Hopkins, and the Eagles defense all look like they’ll give Kyle plenty of points again. But potential roadblocks lurk for guys like Mark Ingram and Gardner Minshew, both facing tough teams this week. Unfortunately for Riez, Todd Gurley and Aaron Donald are on bye weeks, meaning the Vikings defense, Tom Brady, Alshon Jeffery, and Leonard Fournette will be responsible for giving Riez any kind of shot in this one.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (4-4) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (3-5)

Gruden Grinders has successfully turned around its season after starting out 0-4. One more win, and Jimmy will be in an unthinkable position: above .500. His lineup — powered by Packers and Raiders — has the power to get him there. The Aarons (Rodgers and Jones) and Green Bay’s defense should do quite well against the Chargers, while Darren Waller and Josh Jacobs are expected to shine in a potential shootout with the Lions. Meanwhile, Tevin Coleman, fresh off his 4 TD game, gets to tear through the Cardinals. If OBJ and D.J. Chark can do anything, Jimmy should light up the scoreboard again. As for Three Eyed Ravens, Jordan Howard, Greg Olsen, and the Chiefs defense are in tough positions. But Ewing’s production this week could come down to two games. Both the Steelers and Colts have been on fire and as cold as ice, so Juju Smith-Schuster and Marlon Mack may go off — and may not. Ewing will (for other reasons) have his eyes on Ravens-Patriots, and how well Lamar Jackson and James White play.

JOP SUEY!!! (4-4) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (3-5)

Yeah, this might be the week C’s Champion Team’s season officially goes in the shitter. Chriss’ inability to alter his lineup has left some gaping holes, with Kerryon Johnson out and both David Johnson and O.J. Howard questionable. To make things worse, both Julio Jones and the Chargers defense are on byes, leaving Chriss between a boulder and a steel wall. Kyler Murray, Chriss’ best option, is playing the 49ers defense — one of the best in football. Jop Suey!!! also has a key player (Joe Mixon) on a bye week, but I honestly don’t think Taylor will take him out of the lineup. He doesn’t have to. Even with Josh “INT King” Allen, Sammy “Up Against the Vikings Defense” Watkins, and Evan “I Play for the Giants and I’m not Saquon Barkley” Engram in tough positions, Taylor should still get plenty of production from the Bills defense, Emmanuel Sanders, and Tyrell Williams. By plenty, I pretty much mean “acceptable” at this point. Stranger things have happened, but let’s just say Chriss might have the “free win” tag for the rest of 2019.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-5) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (3-5)

I will say one thing about the World Series — the Houston Astros didn’t deserve what happened to them. I don’t mean losing, but rather all of the controversy surrounding the team throughout the Fall Classic. They didn’t ask for their assistant GM to scream at a group of female reporters (including one wearing a domestic violence awareness bracelet) about how happy he is that they acquired closer Roberto Osuna (who has been arrested for domestic violence). It’s not the players’ fault management called the claims “misleading and completely irresponsible” and accused Sports Illustrated of trying to “fabricate a story where one does not exist.” The guys on the field aren’t responsible for the backlash, which caused the Astros to do an about-face and fire the dumbass a week later, turning Houston into the villain. By all accounts, everyone not named Roberto Osuna (especially Jose Altuve, Justin Verlander, and George Springer) is a good guy. This all being said, I’m glad the Washington Nationals won. Fuck Osuna. 

ONE LAST THING

If you haven’t heard of the website Deadspin, what kind of sports fan are you? Founded way back in 2005, Deadspin started out as a humorous, profane, unique way to cover sports and hold players and broadcasters (ESPN in particular) accountable. Since then, it’s become a sort of empire of coverage, not just diving deep into sports, but branching out to put forth more social and political commentary as well. Deadspin was reporters and writers who only cared about the truth (or their opinion), not giving a fuck at how they got there. 

This cavalier, confrontational approach definitely resulted in some missteps and made some enemies, particularly among right-wing politicians and media figures. But there was some honest to goodness great journalism in there. Deadspin broke stories such as Manti Te’o’s dead girlfriend story being a complete hoax and an ESPN reporter who faked her credentials in order to get hired. In addition to Deadspin’s in-depth, extensive, and often hilarious sports coverage, they also were widely read thanks to those non-sport stories, the social commentary and political issues no other sites like them would ever touch. While not a frequent Deadspin reader, I nonetheless would often find myself checking out a Drew Magary “Why Your Team Sucks” piece or a recap of the latest dumb thing the president said or some light-hearted story on some stupid, random topic I’d end up being interested in afterwards.

All of this makes what’s happened to Deadspin this week sad and extremely worrying. When Deadspin’s parent company, Gawker, was shut down in 2016, it was bought by Univision. In April, Deadspin’s new operation group, Gizmodo Media, was bought by private equity firm Great Hill Partners and renamed G/O Media. Over the next few months, the new owners (particularly CEO Jim Spanfeller) seemingly did all they could do sour the relationship between them, Deadspin staff, and the site’s readers. G/O fired several longtime staff members and executives, replaced them — according to employees — with a bunch of rich white dudes who changed up a formula that was clearly working and replaced it with more of a “boys club” philosophy. They also started spamming the website with autoplay State Farm ads, which pissed off its readers and are the bane of my existence. When Deadspin editors posted about their own frustration with the ads, their posts were forcibly removed (State Farm later canceled their deal with G/O). 

Then, shit hit the fan this week. On Monday, G/O editorial director Paul Maidment issued a company-wide memo telling the staff to stick to stories that cover sports and only sports. Other G/O websites (including The Onion and Kotaku) would cover non-sports stuff. Deadspin staff didn’t like the idea. So in a Tuesday protest they filled the website with reposts of old stories which, while extremely popular, had nothing to do with sports. That resulted in the firing of interim Editor-in-Chief Barry Petchesky. This led to a mass resignation in which at least ten staffers quit yesterday. By the way, for you Didion folks, one of those staff writers happens to be the incredibly freckled redhead, Patrick Redford. Anyway, today’s update is that two of Deadspin’s senior writers, Magary and Dan McQuade, also handed in their resignations and Dave Portnoy, founder of Deadspin rival Barstool Sports, being an asshole about the whole thing on Twitter.

Since this firestorm sparked, there has been plenty of commentary, including the disrespecting of the (seemingly) dead by personalities and writers that had been targets of Deadspin in the past. To be completely fair, some of that criticism is valid and warranted. However, there have been much more positive responses to what Deadspin and its renegade staff have done this week, recognizing the quality of work they’ve done and their virtuous stance towards corporate bullshit. While these people have provided a needed breath of fresh air, the entire situation represents an unfortunate trend of journalism in general. 

The way people consume media is much different than five, ten, 20, 50, etc. years ago. Instead of sitting down to read in-depth reporting, recaps, or analysis, people often just scroll for headlines, get instant video online, interact with the very subjects of the story on social media, and customize their sources to only get the content that makes them happy. Trust me, I spent years on newspaper staffs and am a TV producer. Old media is dying, and the new (or rather current) frontier is wild and often lawless. The more people think they’re in control, the more they aren’t.

In many ways, I empathize with what the Deadspin staff is going through. When I took on this newsletter, I thought of it as a chore that I was only doing because y’all wanted me to. Not wanting to half-ass this, I put some effort into it. That effort became a passion and turned into what you’re reading right now. I’m not saying this shit is New York Times or ESPN or even Deadspin quality (hell no). But all of these recaps and rankings and pictures and throwbacks and other stupidness is a result of me wanting to express my creative writing side. I get paid to write news coverage and an occasional segment where our anchors entertain people for like 90 seconds. While that’s valid and rewarding in its own right, I love doing this shit way more. I’m passionate about sports, and while my audience consists of at most 11 people (most of which don’t even read this every week) it’s still away to have fun and cover what I like in what I feel is an interesting way. Deadspin’s audience is way bigger than that, and they got paid to do it.

I don’t know what will be the end result of the Deadspin saga. G/O could sell the website, the writers could come back, and everyone would be happy. G/O could fill Deadspin with a brand new staff that will provide the exact coverage they want at a downgraded quality. Deadspin could shut down altogether and be replaced by something new. Either way, this is a sad week in the sports media world. Pour one out for Deadspin.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Coldest Person Due to Wearing a Tropical-Themed Costume in Winter, FOX40 Staff